Chicken Shop Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -

the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

Do you like my suit?

Number one - Citizen Khan.

I don't see why WE have to look after him.

Oh, stop it, he won't be any trouble.

He'll need feeding and we'll have to take him for walks in the park.

Ah, choo-cooey!

And I hope he's not making a mess in my Mercedes!

He won't be any trouble - will you, shweetu?

No, Auntie.

There, see!

Why couldn't your cousins take him with them on holiday?

I hope your parents are having a nice time.

I was thinking of going away somewhere too.

Good idea.

Oh, you mean together?

Of course together! Maybe we could go cruising.

-Cruising?

-Why not?

I'm not sure cruising is legal in Sparkhill any more, sweetie.

Oh, twaddi. Where are we? This isn't the way back to Birmingham.

What does the map say?

I don't know. This map's no good.

Why? What's wrong with it?

It's from 1974.

Everything's changed since then.

No, it hasn't. Just a few more mosques, that's all.

I'll just go and ask someone.

Salaam aleikum, excuse me!

What?

Hey. I hope you're wearing two pairs of socks.

In case you get a hole in one. Ha-ha-ha!

KHAN HAWKS

Right. I wonder if you could help me.

We're a bit lost, can you point us in the right direction?

Where are you from?

-Birmingham.

-No. I mean, where are you REALLY from?

Sparkhill.

You need the A45. Birmingham's that way.

That way? Are you sure? That way?

OK. Thank you! Thank you! Hole in one, eh! HE HAWKS

CAR DOOR SHUTS

ENGINE STARTS

HORN TOOTS

What are you doing?

You can't drive on a golf course, are you mad?

Just enjoy the view, look at that!

We'll be home any minute.

There's so much land here, they could build a few apartments!

Hi, Papaji! I'm just going out.

Where are you going?

I've got my Islamic tutor today, remember?

Vah! Such a good girl. Well, you can see him later.

First, you're going to help me get my new business off the ground.

I've got a revolutionary idea that's going to transform the high street.

What is it?

A chicken shop!

A new franchise has opened up.

I'm going to be a restaurant entrepreneur.

I'll be Birmingham's very own Marco Pierre Brown!

You mean...I've got to do work?

Work is fun, sweetie. The whole family's going to chip in.

"Chip" in!

You see, we're having fun already, aren't we?

Yeah.

Right, let's check the staff rota...

Now, you'll help behind the counter

and Naani is going to be the waitress.

A waitress?

What's the problem?

She's got bunions. She can't stand up all day.

I've already thought of that.

Look at this. A remote control wheelchair, you see?

I've created the first ever robo-waitress!

Thank you.

Now, squash for Faraz.

Oh, not that way!

Idiot!

Obviously it's a prototype, there's bound to be a few teething troubles.

Argh!

-Stop!

-It's OK.

-Uncle!

-Ah, not the TV!

It's OK, beti, I'll fix it later.

You need to get ready.

Go and get changed into something more practical.

Something more what?

You know, some rough, old work clothes, like your mother wears.

Er, no, thanks.

Has anyone seen my bag?

Are you going out somewhere?

I've got tango class today.

That dress is very bright and very red.

Maybe try to avoid the Bull Ring.

Hello, sir.

Hello, Mrs Khan.

Wow, Mum, you look fantastic.

Oh, thanks, beti!

Aren't you worried she'll run off with her dashing tango partner?

Mrs Siddiqi?

Why does she have to dance with Mrs Siddiqi?

-She can't dance with other men.

-Because you get jealous?

Because she's too short!

Look, Shazia, it's women-only tango.

I'm not letting some argie-bargie, greasy, gaucho

get his filthy hands on her!

You know, you can't have a healthy relationship if you're jealous, Dad.

Me and Amjad trust each other implicitly, don't we, budhoo?

Implicitly means "a lot".

Right, yes, we do, of course.

All right, that's enough of that!

Why don't you surprise her by doing something romantic?

Me and Amjad surprise each other all the time.

Take her to that French restaurant in town.

French restaurant? No, thank you!

-We've got plenty of French food at home.

-Have you?

Yes, of course. Or, as we Muslims like to call it, ALLAH carte!

You know, I was thinking, maybe instead of going on a cruise,

we could cash in some of our pension money

and go on a trip to Argentina!

It's the home of the tango.

Sweetie, we don't need to go to Argentina for Tango,

they've got loads of it down the cash and carry!

You should try it, you might like it.

And then that would be something we could do together.

We already got something we do together.

I mean something exciting.

Come to one of our special showcases, you might like it.

OK, fine, I'll come to the next one.

Really? You promise?

-Haan.

-Fantastic!

-It's today.

-What?!

-At the community centre.

I'll see you there later, I'm so excited! Thank you!

Anything for you, my darling!

Oh, twaddi!

Well done, Dad. You and Mum will have a great time.

Yes, yes. But first I've got a little business to attend to.

Remember to spray the air freshener.

I always get told off for that.

Not that kind of business, Amjad.

I'm going to be running a chicken shop!

Great! What will you be selling?

Are you sure about this, Dad?

Have you thought about Mum at all?

Not yet. I want it to be a surprise.

It'll be a surprise all right. I'm going to work.

-See you later, budhoo!

-See you later, ladoo.

Right, let's get going.

I've got to meet some guy called Mr Williams.

He's the boss of the chicken shop, the big cock-a-doodle-do.

Where are you getting the money for the franchise, sir?

Have you got a lot of investors?

Yes, two. Me and Mrs Khan.

I've used our pension fund. HE HAWKS

I'd like to welcome you to the Khan family business.

Now, remember, if I can make this work, I'll be hanging out with

Sir Richard Branstons, nibbling his cheese and sipping on his Shloer.

What if we can't make it work?

Then Mrs Khan is going to be doing the paso doble on my cha-cha-chas.

Right, let's get to work, eh?

Now, Alia, you're behind the counter,

Naani, you're waiting on the tables,

and, Amjad, you're head of marketing and communications.

Wow! What does that mean?

It means you have to go and pick up the T-shirts

and fliers from the printers next door.

OK.

Right, where's this Mr Williams chappie?

Hi, there.

Salaam aleikum.

Welcome to Chick 'N' Chips.

-You work here, do you?

-Yes.

Excellent, another member of Team Khan.

No, you don't understand...

Why don't you run along and fetch me a cup of tea?

I don't think so.

Mr Williams is going to be here in a minute, you don't want him

to catch you slacking, do you?

What?

Mr Williams, the big cheese, the top man!

-You need to look lively!

-It's me!

I know it's YOU, sweetheart,

but I'm here to see the boss, Mr Williams.

And don't forget the tea.

I'm Mr Williams!

What?

I'm Mr Williams! Ms Williams!

Sandra Williams.

-But you're a...

-Woman?

That's it.

I'm Mr Khan, community leader.

And all round woman-lover!

What?

I mean, I'm a big fan of working girls.

Women's business. Businesswomen!

HE HAWKS

Right, where shall we start?

Why don't you show us your equipment?

The fryers!

Right. Well, this is the main work area over here.

I'm sure you'll be familiar with most of it already

if you have experience working in the fast food industry?

Of course, I spent six months working in a branch of KFC.

Oh, which one?

The one in Pakistan. Karachi Fried Chicken.

So you know how to fry?

Oh, yes. We Muslims have got a special religious day for it.

What's that called?

Fry-day prayers.

These are the fryers.

It's very important you always keep this full of oil.

Do you know why?

For good luck?

No, otherwise it will explode.

You keep the fryers full up via this control system.

Everything is operated from this panel - the fryers,

the cellar hatch, the lights.

Do you think you'll be able to manage that?

'Course, I'm very techno savvy! I've even got a robo-waitress.

Watch this.

Oh, twaddi.

ALARM RINGS

Oh, God!

Switch it off!

Ah, there you are.

They must be connected.

Mr Khan, I think we have to reassess your application.

But I've got lots of brilliant ideas to get business booming!

Like what?

Well, I've got a very clever name for the place.

What are you going to call it?

Mr Khan's Chicken Shop.

Can I hear any others?

That's it so far.

Who's this?

That's just my communications director.

Hello, sir. I got the T-shirts.

Good.

Hi. I'm Sandra Williams. But...you can call me Sandy.

Hello, Mrs Sandy. My Name is Amjad.

But you can call me...

Amjad.

Have they got you carrying these big, heavy boxes round

all by yourself?

They're not too heavy.

There's a stock room round the back, I can show you if you like.

Maybe you can show him the stock room later.

Yes, maybe later.

On reflection, Mr Khan, I've decided to give you another chance.

Thank you, you won't regret it!

Obviously, this will be a trial run today.

You have until 5pm to get in some customers.

Don't worry, I'll fill it. Chicken FILLET!

I see.

Now, you heard the lady, Mr Khan's Chicken Shop is open for business!

Hey, Naani, are you ready for meals on wheels?

Idiot!

ECHOING: Just checking the potatoes.

Yep, they're all fine.

I need to do my homework, Uncle.

Chup! Did you not hear what that woman said?

We need to keep this place busy!

By selling one-legged chickens?

Oh, twaddi.

Don't worry, Uncle. You've still got Amjad.

Sir. I don't feel right.

Maybe he's got bird flu.

What?

Or chickenpox?

No, I've already had them. It's Mrs Sandy, sir.

She just accosted me in the back room.

Chillax, Amjad, she's just being friendly.

This is how business works, all the schmoozing and the floozing.

I only want to schmooze with Shazia.

-See you later, gentlemen.

-Righto.

Save a piece for me, my little chicken.

Oh, no.

Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.

-Waleikum assalam, Riaz.

-What's going on?

-Have a guess.

-You're buying some chicken?

Try the whole shop.

Wow. You fatty!

No. It's the start of my business empire.

What about you? Just passing through?

He's part of my crack promotions and marketing team.

Where's the rest of them?

Why are you selling one-legged chickens?

Just try and find me some customers.

OK, but it'll cost you.

How much?

A bucket of hot wings.

-Deal. Just get some chicken lovers.

-OK.

Chicken, fried chicken. Yum-yum.

Chicken, fried chicken...

Look at that, a shop full of hungry young lads.

I told you it would work!

Mrs Sandy will be pleased!

Yes, she will!

Now, go and open up another till, speed up the service.

I tried that, they weren't interested.

They'll get their chicken quicker!

They're not after the chicken.

What are they after?

Alia's number.

What!

Oh, twaddi!

Out, out, out!

Get out, you dirty, filthy rascal! And you. Get out!

Get out of it!

Papaji! I was just telling them what's on offer.

Come on, you're working in the back room now.

-Go get some oil for the fryers.

-But why?

Health and Safety - my health and your safety!

DOORBELL CHIMES

Ah, Riaz, just in time.

Good news, I got you some customers.

Brilliant.

You see, Amjad. Who have you got coming?

-The mosque committee.

-What?

Lucky they were passing by.

Everyone else I asked just told me to shove off.

Right. So, where are they?

They'll be here any minute.

They're coming back from a protest.

Another protest? That's the problem with our lot.

Always marching and moaning about something or another.

What trumped up travesty happening a thousand bloomin' miles away

are they whining about now?

The closure of the Wildlife Centre in Kings Heath.

It's a bird sanctuary.

Well, at least they'll be in the mood for chicken.

Remember our deal? My free food?

-Oh, yes.

-I'll have 25 free hot wings. That's FREE.

No charge, on the house.

I'll tell you what, you can have 24 free, and the last one is £5.99.

Fair enough.

PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS

Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

Oh, hello, sweetie.

You haven't forgotten, have you? You will be here?

Of course I haven't forgotten. Have I ever you let down?

Apart from then.

And then.

Look, sweetie,

that was a long time ago and I had no idea the sidecar wasn't attached.

Yes, of course I'm coming.

You know how I love Fanta! Tango!

OK, good, I'm so excited! I'll see you later!

Don't be late!

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes?

Hi, I'm looking for Alia?

She's not here. Can I help you?

It's OK, honestly, I need Alia.

-Oh, you do, do you?

-Yeah.

And what exactly do you need her for?

Oh, I'm here to give her a bit of one to one.

One to what?!

She's very keen, let me tell you. Best I've ever had.

How dare you!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry, perhaps you prefer some ketchup?

What are you doing to the tutor?

What?

This is brother Majid from the mosque.

He's a scholar and an expert on Islamic culture.

You're Alia's tutor?

Yes!

Oh, twaddi!

What happened to your trousers?

I squirted mayonnaise on them.

And ketchup!

What a waste.

I don't think you're supposed to squirt any kind of sauce

on Islamic scholars.

The mosque committee won't be happy.

What's it got to do with them?

They're by the door.

Wait! They can't see him like this.

Hai!

Salaam aleikum.

Riaz will be out any minute with some free chicken for you.

Oh, free chicken!

I thought you'd like that!

Aargh!

What's that?

Oh, that was just the call to prayer.

Arrgh, Allahu akbar!

Now, come on, get down to the mosque, you don't want to miss the front row.

Oh, God.

Papaji? Have you seen my tutor?

No! Definitely not!

You're supposed to be getting oil for the fryers.

They're fine! He should be here by now.

We had an appointment.

Maybe he's "fallen through"?

It's nearly five o'clock.

Sir! Mrs Sandy will be here soon.

Oh, twaddi, how much have we taken?

Including the £2.50 you made me put in for my lunch?

Haan.

£2.50.

I don't understand, why haven't we had more customers?

We had the T-shirts and the flyers.

The group of Muslims protesting outside?

What?

Oh, twaddi!

I don't think Sandra's going to be very impressed, Papaji.

What's going on outside? Looks like some kind of protest.

It's the mosque committee. Mr Khan arranged it.

That's not entirely...

I thought you were going to get this place full of customers?

Yes, but...

How much money have you taken?

Two fifty.

£250, is that all?

Not exactly.

He means £2.50.

What! That's pathetic!

You haven't even covered the cost of your staff!

Ah, I thought of that, I'm not paying them!

Eh?!

Well, you can forget the franchise.

I knew this was a bad idea.

No, wait!

I'm going to check my stock room to make sure you haven't

cleaned me out, and when I get back I want you out of here!

Oh, God. We're in trouble.

What are we going to do, sir?

We have to prove to Mrs Sandy that we're serious business contenders.

We have to show her that we can turn this place around.

Right.

HE IMITATES A CHICKEN

They don't dance, they don't hop, it's Mr Khan's Chicken Shop!

Mmm!

Not the jingle, Amjad.

Oh, what then?

I don't know.

I'm going to have to go in the back room and schmooze her.

That's how business works.

Uh, Uncle, I don't think she likes you.

You're right, we'll need someone else.

Who?

Oh, no!

Amjad, she likes you!

Why?

It beats me.

But I've got our pension riding on it. Now, come on, don't be chicken.

Get in there and show her that we're Team Khan and not Team Can't!

I'll do it!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes?

Hello.

Hello!

Hello.

Hello!

Was there something you wanted?

-Um, Mr Khan said...that is,

-I

-was wondering, if you needed any help?

What sort of help?

Um... I could rearrange your condiments?

I like the sound of that.

Do you?

Perhaps you could check out my assets as well.

OK.

I might even let you massage my figures...

Or I could do a full inventory of your perishables

and free up some shelf space.

Right. I'm not sure that one really works, but never mind.

Right, you lot finish clearing up.

I'm off to see Mrs Khan do the Last Tango in Sparkhill.

Alia's not helping, Uncle.

I'm in charge of the fryers. Papaji said.

That's right, Faraz. We've all got our jobs to do.

Just be grateful you haven't got Amjad's.

Shazia!

Hi. Shouldn't you be at Mum's show?

-I was just going.

-Where's Amjad?

Oh, he had to go out...

to buy some...

ketchup.

You've got loads of ketchup.

Oh, yes. Silly Amjad, eh?

Now, you run along...

-AMJAD:

-Aa-ah!

What was that?

-What?

-That noise.

I didn't hear anything.

-AMJAD:

-Aa-ah!

There it was again.

Oh, that's just the fridges. Or the air conditioning.

SHAZIA!

Or Amjad.

Where is he?

He's in that stock cupboard with another woman.

What?!

Ladoo!

Do you mind? We're in the middle of a stock take.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe this.

Ladoo, wait! It's not what it looks like.

Really?

Because it looks like you were canoodling with some floozy

in a stock room whilst wearing a chicken suit.

OK, it is what it looks like.

Oh, my God!

Who is this exactly?

This is other daughter, Shazia. Alia's sister.

And Amjad's wife.

His wife!

That's right. At least, I was.

-No! Ladoo! Please...

-Get your wings off me.

Look, Shazia, Amjad was just schmoozing with the lady

purely for professional reasons.

What?

I definitely thought there was something between us.

No, that was my pickled gherkins.

Did you put him up to this?

Maybe.

HE HAWKS

Ladoo, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, for goodness' sake, Amjad! Be a man!

You can't live your whole life worrying about

what your wife thinks!

Oh, hello, sweetie. Everything OK?

Where were you? You promised me you'd come.

You promised!

Yes...but I can explain.

Don't bother. I've heard it all before.

Trust me, you haven't heard this one before.

Go on, then.

I was trying to win a franchise for a chicken shop?

He made me wait on tables.

What?

And he used Amjad as some kind of kinky chicken escort service.

Unbelievable!

Please, my darling....

Don't say another word.

We're all going to leave here now, we're all going home.

I'm not, I'm going to wait for my tutor outside.

-Why?

-Cos he's fit!

So...what do you think? Do I still get the franchise?

Out, out of my shop!

I can explain.

You set me up with your son-in-law!

That was an accident.

-That you set me up?

-No, that he married my daughter.

And you organised a protest in front of the shop!

It's OK, they're not protesting!

We like it. Free halal chicken.

Oh, no, it's not halal.

What?

Now they're protesting.

Is there anything else you'd like to confess?

He fell down the cellar of his own accord!

What have you done, Papaji?

ALARM RINGS AND BEEPS

Look, Sandra, I'm sorry about all this. How about a second chance?

EXPLOSION

OK. Maybe not.

Here we are.

So, Shazia and Amjad have made up, everything is OK.

Forgive and forget, that's the important thing, he na?

Sweetie, where are you going?

I'm going to my sister's.

What? I thought we could spend some time together.

If you wanted to spend time with me, you wouldn't have spent

our "time together" money on some stupid chicken shop.

You're right, I just wanted to turn back the clock.

But it was a stupid idea.

What do you mean, turn back the clock?

Do you remember when we first got married, and we lived in that flat?

And we worked in the chip shop downstairs?

Bert and Tina's, yes, so?

We worked so hard, didn't we?

I worked hard, you spent your entire time watching cricket.

That's not true, sweetie, we didn't have a telly then,

I used to listen to it on the radio!

I just wanted to go back to the time before children,

before community leader, before everything.

Just me and you together.

We were so happy. Well, I was.

So was I.

I'm sorry we couldn't go to Argentina to do the fandango.

But we could still have a dance.

You know, like we used to, after closing time.

Remember this?

MUSIC STARTS

# There's a guy works down the chip shop, swears he's Elvis

# Just like you swore to me that you'd be true... #