Alia's Boyfriend Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

Do you like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan.

HE SINGS

-Hello, sir.

-Hello, Amjad!

-What are you doing?

It's the Great Sparkhill Bake Off!

I'm doing a pineapple inside out cake.

You mean upside down?

Winner gets picture in the paper, interview with Midlands Today

-and a special invitation for dinner at Mr Javed's house.

-Wow.

Can you imagine me at Mr Javed's house?

Sitting at his marble dining table,

while he nibbles on my coconut madeleines?

Sounds amazing. But I thought you said baking wasn't very manly?

It is the way I do!

DRILL WHIRS

Look at that, eh? I'm bound to win! Who wouldn't like that?

My mum wouldn't. She doesn't like pineapples.

Or cherries. Or grapefruit. Or pomegranate.

Look, Amjad, talk to the hand, the beard ain't listening.

Nobody cares what your mother likes.

I suppose.

-Although, she is chairman of the judges.

-Oh, twaddi!

Maybe she'll like it with cream on.

There we go. Do you want a taste?

I shouldn't. I'm watching my figure.

Come on. It won't make you fat, it's very light and fluffy.

Oh, go on, then!

SAW WHIRS

Here we are!

Kitchen table's broken again.

You promised you weren't going to enter any more competitions.

Not after last year's Curry Challenge.

Even now, poor Mrs Anwar can't be more than 20 feet from a lavatory.

That's what happens when you use an Indian recipe by mistake!

Hello, sweetie. Do you want to try my back to front cake?

-No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

-Are you OK? You don't look well.

-I'm fine.

-What time did you get in last night?

-Can't remember.

-You were out late again.

-Papaji said I could.

She was at the mosque. All-night prayers.

-Look at the state of her.

-It's hard work being that good.

She is mixing with the wrong crowd.

You mean her study group?

You need to meet some nicer people. More sensible. Reliable.

You mean boring? No, thanks.

There's a Pakistani singles party today, at the community centre.

-What?

-It's just a chance for busy young people to get together.

-No way!

-Sweetie, I don't think it's right to interfere

in Alia's personal life.

When the time is right, she should have a choice.

Either Mr Javed's son the doctor. Or Mr Javed's other son the accountant.

-I've already paid the fee.

-What? Why don't you just give it a chance, beti?

Why can't you just leave me alone? I feel sick. I'm going back to bed.

-Well, if she's not going, we'll have to go for her.

-We?

-I'm not going on my own.

-What about my cake?

I'll get started for you, sir.

We could make a lemon drizzle cake? That's my mummy's favourite.

-What are the ingredients?

-Lemons...

..and drizzle!

Now, just be nice, write down their details and try not to put them off!

What? How could I put them off?

HE HAWKS

-Oh, hello...Haroon.

-Hello.

We are here on behalf of our daughter.

Her name is Alia...

That's with an A, as in "Apple of our eyes"...

and Khan. That's with a K.

As in, "Keep your filthy hands off my daughter!"

I don't know what it is, but there's something about you I really like.

No, thank you!

So, Iqbal, can you tell us anything about yourself?

Anything at all? What sort of things do you like?

There must be something. Come on...

I suppose I mainly like big boobies.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-How's it going?

-Not very well.

Same here. My parents insisted I came.

Much rather be at home watching the cricket!

Not found your type yet?

Oh, to be honest, I don't think there's much chance I'll find MY type here.

I know what you mean.

-Nice beard, by the way.

-Thanks.

OK, let's cut to the chase...

I'm looking for a young man.

Wow. OK.

-You could be just what I need.

-Right.

Well, you know. I mean, I feel the same.

-Excellent. Write your name down on here.

-OK. Old school.

-That's it.

-There you go. And what about you? What's your name?

-Mr Khan. Community leader. They all know me.

-I bet they do.

So, shall we go somewhere now, or...?

-Wow. You're keen! I suppose we could go back to my place.

-Really?

Get to know each other, who knows where that might lead?

-I'm just waiting for my wife.

-Your wife?!

-Yeah, she's helping me find someone.

-OK, listen, I'm not really...

Don't worry! There's no pressure. It's a free choice.

We're a very modern family.

-No kidding. You're sure your wife doesn't mind?

-It was her idea!

-Right, I think I've got four or five possibles...

-There's no need.

I've found the one.

-He's perfect. Alia's going to love him.

-Who's Alia?

My daughter. Why do you think I needed a man?

WE HAVE TO GO! Hai hai!

Call me!

-Why don't you at least meet one of them?

-No. Just leave me alone.

She won't even meet them. Tell her how nice they were.

That bunch of lemons! None of them were suitable!

I'm not going out with some greasy-haired dork with glasses who works in IT!

They're not all like that.

-Look, this one works in data management.

-Oh, my God!

-Are the swimming towels in here?

-I'm going to my room.

-What's going on?

-Your sister's upset because your mother wants her to be friends with some nerds.

Why don't you just leave her alone?

Because she's got to buck her ideas up and start mixing with a better class of person!

-She's fine. Isn't she, Shazia?

-'Course she is!

Anyway, she's already got a boyfriend.

What?

-I mean...

-She's got a boyfriend?!

Maybe. She might have. I'm not sure.

Shazia, Alia hasn't got a boyfriend,

she doesn't even talk to boys!

-Except at the ones at her mosque study group.

-Oh, my God!

It's probably some big, smelly biker covered in tattoos!

Sweetie, you're over reacting.

Alia is a good girl.

I'm sure this is all very innocent.

Now, Shazia, this friend who is a boy/boyfriend,

-is it someone who works at the mosque?

-No.

-The library?

-I don't think so.

-So, where does he work?

The pub.

-The pub?

-Oh, my God!

Nice pub?

The Rat and Shotgun on Boulders Lane.

Oh, my God.

Calm down, my darling. That doesn't mean anything.

Lots of perfectly respectable people go to pubs.

The imam and I once shared an orange and passion fruit J2O

in the Mucky Ducky in Acocks Green.

-I don't think he's an imam.

-But he's not what your mother said, huh?

-A smelly biker covered in tattoos?

-No.

I mean, he's probably not smelly.

And they don't call them tattoos now, it's more like body art.

You like art. Don't you, sweetie?

Does he have a name, this sweet smelling biker with body art?

I think he's called Scab?

-Hai hai!

-Please, Shazia, just tell me one thing.

This smelly biker covered in tattoos, is he Pakistani?

Of course he's not Pakistani, you idiot!

Does Scab sound like a Pakistani name to you?

-What are we going to do?

-I'm going to take Naani swimming!

Someone is just going to have to go to the pub and tell this Scab to stop seeing Alia.

But Boulders Green is dangerous!

Without armoured support vehicles it'll be suicide!

Take someone with you, then!

Where am I going to find somebody stupid enough to come with me?

I can't find a recipe for drizzle, sir!

Amjad, fancy a pint?

MUSIC: Paranoid by Black Sabbath

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Assalam aleikum.

Maybe I should wait in the car?

Amjad! I need you!

-What for?

-In case it all kicks off.

I'm not allowed to make arrests while I'm off duty, sir.

I don't need you to arrest them,

just give them someone to punch while I get away.

Oh, right.

Wait, what?

Hello, Mr Waiter. We're looking for someone called Scab?

LOUD CHEERS

Oh, God.

Not him. Him.

I haven't seen this many beards since Friday prayers.

MR KHAN HAWKS

-Oh, hiya. The changing room's just round there. If you follow me, I'll show you.

-What?

-Aren't you the act?

-What act?

For the Eurovision night. I'm guessing you're Conchita?

-I'm Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me!

-You're Alia's dad!

-There you go.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

-And so you should be.

-Now, listen to me, young Scabby, me and you need to have little chitty chatty.

-Yeah, of course!

May I just say what an absolute honour it is to meet you, sir.

Is it?

Alia's told me all about you.

-Has she?

-Oh, yes. You are a legend in Sparkhill.

Am I?

So, what do you want to chat about?

Oh, yes. Now, are you or are you not Alia's boyfriend?

-Yes.

-Ah, don't try to deny it!

-No, I'm not! I mean, yes, I am her boyfriend.

-Ah-ha!

I mean, we like each other and we hang out together.

-With other people though, cos obviously I know it's a sensitive area.

-It is a bit.

-OK, I've heard enough. You can't see Alia

-any more. What? Why?

Because Mrs Khan told...

I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.

I see.

Well, we should probably be going.

Hey, hang on. Is it because I'm not Muslim?

Yes! That's it. Not Muslim.

We lot are a bit funny about that, you see.

-Well, then, that's fine, because I'm converting.

-What?

Yeah, I'm converting to Islam.

I've been thinking about it for ages, actually.

I've read the Koran, done loads of research

-and I go to the mosque all the time.

-Good for you.

So, everything's fine then, yeah?

No. You're not Pakistani and there's no conversion course for that.

Right. I mean, I have been to Pakistan.

Yeah. I spent a year there with this charity I work for.

-My Pakistani name is Amjad.

-That's my Pakistani name!

Look, Mr Khan, if I could maybe come home with you? Speak to Mrs Khan?

I wouldn't recommend that.

I do like Alia ever such a lot.

No! Look, Scabby, you seem like a nice boy,

but I haven't got time for this, I've got to get to the Cash and Carry and work out how to make a...

-Lemon drizzle cake.

-..before Mrs Mary Berry bloomin' Malik turns up.

Oh, it's easy. It's just milk, sugar, eggs, flour, baking powder

and lemons. But you only use the zest.

I'm a chef.

Fine. Meet me at my house at four o'clock.

Come on.

Please, come on through.

I must say, I was surprised to hear that Mrs Khan had entered...

having tasted her gulab jamuns!

-It's not her.

-Oh?

-It's me.

-Oh.

-Well, let's get it over with.

-Right, OK.

Here's one for you,

-and one for you...

-Thanks.

One for you.

-There's no cake.

-Don't worry. It'll be arriving any...

It'll be ready any minute.

Timing is so important in baking, don't you agree?

Nobody likes a soggy bottom, do they?

I don't need to tell you.

HE HAWKS

-What cake is it?

-I'm doing a lemon drizzle cake.

Oh! Well, that's my favourite.

Is it? Is it, really?

I had no idea.

Is it your favourite cake, as well?

No.

-How did you become a judge anyway?

-I applied.

What qualifications have you got?

Fair enough.

I'm sure that between us we'll be able to come to a fair decision.

Of course, of course. And I'm sure you're going to love it.

You know, I used an ancient Khan family recipe.

-For lemon drizzle cake?

-Oh, yes.

It's my great-great-great-great-great grandmother's.

We thought we'd lost it, but then I rediscovered it.

Wow. Where did you find it?

On the internet.

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-It must be prayer time!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Is everything all right?

-Yes, of course.

She loves her prayers!

-Sweetie! The Bake Off judges!

-Never mind about that. Look at this!

-Yes, so?

-It's a pregnancy tester.

-Yes, so?

It's positive!

-You mean?

-Exactly.

We're having another baby?!

It's not mine, you bewakoof! I found it in the bathroom.

Oh, God. Not Naani!

-I didn't think that was even possible.

-It's not Naani.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Then who?

-Not Alia?

-Yes.

-No.

-Haan.

-It can't be.

-Just think about it. She's been under the weather.

-So?

-She's been off her food, feeling sick!

-That doesn't mean anything!

-And she's got that secret biker boyfriend!

-I don't believe it!

-You better believe it!

-Not my sweet Alia!

She would have told me, she always tells me everything.

Right, then you can go and ask her.

What? Oh, twaddi!

So, these are my new blonde highlights, which I did with a home colouring kit in the bathroom.

And here's my top tip: always dye your hair when your parents are out.

Because if you get caught, it'll be embarrassing! Shame.

MR KHAN HAWKS

-Alia, sweetie?

-I'll talk to you later!

-Hello, beti!

-Hi, Papaji.

Did you want to talk to me about something?

No, I was just passing through.

-Do you want to come in?

-Yeah, why not?

Might as well come in and keep you company, now I'm here.

-How are you feeling?

-All right.

-Not feeling sick at all?

-No. That was just in the morning.

I'm fine now.

Right. That's good.

Beti, your mother and I were wondering,

is there something you might want to tell us?

No.

Something that may have happened recently that might be a bit embarrassing?

No...

Something that you've done?

Something that a good Pakistani Muslim girl shouldn't have done?

Um...

-It's just that your mother found something in the bathroom.

-Oh.

Is it yours? It's OK, you can tell me.

I won't be cross.

Yeah, it's mine.

No! Alia, my little baby!

I was going to tell you.

Oh, God!

I was just trying it out.

But you are my best daughter. How could you do this?

I just wanted to see what it would be like.

Sweetie, we all get curious about it,

but these things have consequences.

Is it really such a big deal, though?

Yes!

Only... I quite like it.

No!

I mean, I'm definitely going to do it again.

Hai hai!

-Only next time, I'll probably want a different colour.

-Oh, my God!

-Well?

-She's definitely pregnant. With the first one!

-What?

Well, let's just say, by the time she's finished it'll be like

the United Colours of Benetton around here.

Oh, my God! She's gone completely off the rails.

-What are we going to do?

-I just don't understand.

-Why and how did this happen?

-It must be that greasy biker, Scab!

Do you know what this means? She'll be ruined!

And what about all our hopes for her university, her career?

She was going to be Sparkhill's first female imam.

-Well, that's not happening.

-She might still get away with it.

They've got a creche.

-OK. First, we have to make sure that that Scab creature is out of the picture.

-Right.

But that's OK, because you got rid of him, didn't you?

Oh, yes.

-You did get rid of him?

-Of course.

I told him never to darken our doorstep again.

HE HAWKS

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

-I don't know.

-Well, aren't you going to answer it?

-Yes.

-Well, go on, then!

In a minute, there's no rush.

-What?

-I mean, we never get a chance to chat like this, do we?

It seems a shame to interrupt it!

Is there anything you'd like to talk about, sweetie?

DOORBELL RINGS

-Answer the door!

-OK, I'm going!

-Hai!

-Oh, hi! Your mother-in-law let me in.

What are you doing letting strangers into the house?

He's not stranger. He's my swimming instructor!

-What?

-Yeah, I teach aqua aerobics for the elderly at the leisure centre.

I think it's important to help older people keep active.

You're really starting to annoy me.

-I brought your cake!

-Oh, yes. Thanks.

-Now, you have to leave.

-What? No. I was thinking, maybe I could speak with Mrs Khan?

-Definitely not!

-I just want to show her how much I have to give Alia.

You've given her enough already.

-Maybe if I spoke to her, told her how I feel?

-She's not here.

-Eh?

-There was an emergency. She had to go out.

-Oh, where to?

World of Sofas. We ran out of scatter cushions.

-Who ran out of cushions?

-Hai!

-Hi.

-Who's this?

-I don't know.

-Mrs Khan, I'm Scab. A friend of Alia's.

-Oh, my God!

-Yes. Oh, my God!

-What's he doing here?

-Mr Khan invited me.

You know what it's like when you go to the pub, sweetie!

Have a couple of Fantas and a Cherryade chaser,

you're making friends with all kinds of people!

I told you to keep him away from our daughter

and you invited him to our house?

-I think you better leave.

-But what about Alia? I really care for her!

Sweetie, maybe we've been a little bit hasty, huh?

-What?

-Scabby seems like a good boy.

Maybe he is the right for Alia, after all?

But he's not Muslim. Or Pakistani.

-He's converting. Aren't you?

-Yeah.

And he's lived in Pakistan. His Pakistani name is Amjad!

Ha, yeah. And next you'll be telling me he speaks Urdu(!)

HE SPEAKS URDU

See?!

He does seem nice! You're not at all like how I imagined.

Scab sounds so rough.

Yeah, well, that's actually from when I was little.

I was always falling over and getting scabby knees.

So, my mum called me Scabby once and it just kind of stuck.

-My real name's Richard.

-Oh, that's much better.

-I have to say, you're not quite how I imagined, either.

-What do you mean?

Well, the way Mr Khan described you, I thought you were going to be an absolute dragon!

I just got to check on the judges!

-Everything OK?

-Finally! I can't watch this man eating crisps any longer.

I told you to keep your eyes shut.

-Where have you been?

-I've been sprinkling drizzle on my cake.

-For ten minutes?

-I've got a lot of drizzle.

-Where is it then?

-Oh, twaddi. I left it in...the oven.

-The kitchen's this way.

-This is a short cut!

SHE LAUGHS

-How are you getting on?

-Oh, very well.

I don't know what you were worrying about.

-What are you doing here?

-Oh, hey. Your dad invited me.

We just wanted you to be closer together.

That's close enough!

-What's going on?

-We're getting to know your boyfriend.

How do you know he's my boyfriend?

We're your parents, Alia. We instinctively know these things.

Plus, Shazia told us.

-Oh, what!

-We think Scabby here's very nice. Such a nice young man.

So, you're not bothered about what the neighbours will think?

Shazia and Amjad? They'll be fine with it!

Or the ladies at the mosque? Or Mrs Malik?

Who cares what Mrs Malik thinks?!

-Hello?

-Don't come in!

We can't hang around any longer.

Who's this?

-He's my boyfriend.

-What?

No, not her boyfriend actually.

-Her fiance.

-What?

-What?

That's right, they're getting married!

-We're not getting married!

-Yes, you are! Congratulations!

No need to ask what they've been getting up to then.

-Oh, where are you going?

-Mr Khan, I'm sorry. I can't get married.

Why not? You've done everything else.

-What's going on?

-Alia's getting married.

-What? Who to?

-NAANI:

-My swimming instructor.

-Papaji?

It's OK, beti. Your mother and I forgive you.

What for?

You know, the thing we found in the bathroom.

-That's why I have to get married?

-Haan!

Well, I missed that meeting!

I knew it! She's pregnant.

What?!

-Yeah, what?

-Please, don't tell anyone.

-Hold on. I'm not pregnant.

-That's right. She's not pregnant.

And that's our story and we're sticking to it.

Riaz, You need to book the mosque next week, huh?

I can't say I'm surprised, this family is a disgrace.

You've brought shame on the whole community!

All right, that's enough! We've got nothing to be ashamed of!

OK, so my good daughter might have got herself knocked up

by some bloke she met in the pub.

And, yes, he may not be Pakistani, but he's a good boy and he cares for her.

And the important thing is he's converting!

Riaz, we're going to have to book him in for the snippy-snippy next week, too!

But Papaji, really - I'm not pregnant.

Yes, you are! You know, the embarrassing thing you did...

You mean, dying my hair?

What?

I dyed my hair in the bathroom. It's Tahitian Sunrise.

-But what about the morning sickness?

-I ate one of your practice cakes last night!

It was horrible.

-But then how do you explain this?

-It's not mine.

Well, it's not mine.

Don't look at me!

I try not to!

-It's mine.

-What?

I did the test round here earlier.

I wanted to be sure, before I told everyone!

So...

What?

-YOU'RE having another baby?

-Yes! And so are you!

OH!

I'm going to be a granny again!

In your face!

-It's my grandchild, too!

-Oh, yes. Sorry.

I mean, congratulations!

Oh, how about some lemon drizzle cake?

It's absolutely disgusting!

I thought you said you were a chef?

I never said I was any good!