Mr Khan's Christmas Wonderland Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me. Do you like my suit?

# We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year... #

HE HAWKS

It's Christmas! And I'm going to give you a special treat.

One time only, Grandpa changes your nappy!

Easy-peasy, eh!

You know, I used to change your mummy's nappies and Auntie Alia's.

Little girls, little boys, it's the same thing, isn't it?

Oh! Dirty!

Alia, beti, maybe you should change his nappy next time, huh?

I'm helping Naani wrap her presents.

Let me guess, old fruit and nut, just like her.

Heh!

Anyway, Christmas has come early for me, this year.

Look at this, best present ever!

"Who got all the cheese?" I thought you didn't like cheese?

It's not about cheese, beti. It's about business.

Oh, right. Who gave it to you?

You did.

Since your mother's in Pakistan, I decided to buy my own presents.

I knew my favourite daughter would get me exactly what I wanted.

-You're welcome.

-You didn't get me anything.

Correct.

So, according to chapter one,

the first thing you need to do in business is find a gap in the market.

And I've got mine.

-What is it?

-Christmas for Muslims!

-What?

-Think about it, beti. What is Christmas all about?

-Um...

-That's right. Spending money.

Everyone's wasting money on all kinds of rubbish, except us Muslims.

Why should we be left out?

It's discrimination!

Exactly! So, I've created a whole new product.

I've got an interested party coming round later.

A well-known business Dragon!

Wow! Which one?

Mr Ali from Ali's Cash and Carry in Stechford!

Idiot!

You should be in Pakistan.

She twisted her ankle, Papaji!

So she says.

-Let us know if you need anything, Naanijaan.

-Huh.

Like, if you want me to get you anything to eat or drink.

Or Papaji to take you to the toilet.

Mrs Khan is flying back tonight. See if you can hold on till then.

Right, let's get baby Mo back to his mum and dad's.

I'll just let them know that we're on our way.

We're on our way!

-Here he is!

-Hello!

This wheelchair's a bit rickety, Naani.

Because it's cheap.

It's not cheap! It's top of the range.

Fell off back of lorry!

I got it from one of my business contacts.

The brakes don't work properly, though.

Alia, beti, if the brakes worked it wouldn't have fallen off the lorry.

Have you seen this?

-What a load of...

-That's meant to be Dave!

What? The ginger man standing outside a mosque wishing me

a nondenominational happy Christmas. Are you sure?

I think so. It does say Dave on his hat.

The Winter Wonderland is to raise money for a new soft play

area at the mosque community centre.

Baby Mo loves it there.

Whenever I go and pick him up, he just cries and cries

because he doesn't want to leave.

That may not be the reason.

Everyone's chipping in to help. I promised we'd get a snow machine.

It'll be fantastic. Baby Mo's first white Christmas!

Snow? How are we going to do that?

You'll think of something, budhoo.

-OK.

-Well, I'm not going.

I've got a meeting with my business Dragon, then I've got to go to the

airport to pick up your mother, and the rest of them.

Not Chunky Uncle?

And Halitosis Auntie.

We'll put them up here. Amjad can get out the sofa bed.

You know what, Shazia? I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm so glad you live next door.

I know, we're so lucky to have this place.

-It's just a shame we're going to have to leave.

-Eh?

Our landlord is selling the house.

Why don't you just buy it, then?

We want to, but we haven't got enough for the deposit.

Unless we can get it by Friday, he's going to accept another offer.

He's just maximising the return on his assets.

-That's chapter two of my book.

-Oh, right.

He sounds like a good man, your landlord. Is he Pakistani?

-Indian.

-The thieving, money grabbing...

-Dad!

We've been saving for months, but we're still £2,000 short.

This will be our last Christmas here!

Just when I've got the place how we want it.

And Mo's settled at the daycare centre, and...

-Shazia, no need to worry.

-What?

-Your father will sort it.

-Can you lend us the money!

-No.

But I've got a new business idea that's going to make me rich!

Very soon, I'll be living in Harborne,

in a detached house with gold taps and white neighbours!

-How does that help us?

-Our house will be empty.

-Oh, you mean...

-Yes. You can rent it off me!

-Amjad!

-Shazia told me to get the bedding for Auntie Poo-breath.

Make sure you burn it afterwards.

Right, I need your help with this.

OK, is that a new shredder?

Fully automatic. Latest model.

£39.99. I got it for Christmas!

-Who from?

-You and Shazia. You can pay me later.

What are you doing, sir?

I'm shredding all the copies of my business plan.

I can't have someone stealing my idea.

You see, Amjad, in business, information is power.

-That's chapter three of my book.

-It sounds like a good book!

It is! Now, I need you to help me rehearse my pitch for the Dragon.

He's going to be here any minute.

-You want me to pretend to be a Dragon?

-That's it!

Grrr!

Sorry, sir.

The secret to any business negotiation is to get

the other party to trust you.

Right! How?

Well, let's say it's me and you, and we're meeting for the first time.

-Hello, Amjad.

-How did you know my name?!

Let's just say I already knew your name.

It's important to use their name and make lots of eye contact.

Hello, Amjad, so pleased to meet you, Amjad.

You know, Amjad, Shazia's told me great things about you, Amjad.

I do trust you!

It's been a pleasure doing business with you.

My tie!

-It's caught in the shredder, sir!

-I know that, you idiot! Get it out!

Not the beard! Not the beard!

The snow. The paper.

Sir! Sir!

I think I actually have thought of something! I've got to go!

Amjad!

Amjad! Wait!

-Tell Shazia I've gone to the Winter Wonderland!

-Idiot!

I want you to take this to Shazia!

-What is it?

-Surprise Christmas present.

-I'll do it later.

-Nahin! I want you to do it now.

In a minute. I've got a business meeting.

I'm going to pitch my idea like they do on Dragons' Den, give him

my figures and projections so he can do some number crunching.

One day I might get to do it in front of the real Dragons!

Imagine, Deborah Meaden crunching on my numbers!

Mr Khan? I'm here for our meeting.

-Sorry, the front door was open, so...

-You're not Mr Ali.

No, he can't be here.

He's receiving a massive delivery of beetroot chutney from Oman.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm his business partner, Mr Ghopal.

-Ghopal?

-Yes.

-But that's an Indian name.

-Yes.

-But that means...

-What?

-You're an Indian!

-Is that a problem?

-No! Of course not! Will you excuse me for a moment?

Aaargh!

Please, won't you come through to my office?

I'll be with you in a minute!

MR KHAN HAWKS

# A merry, merry Christmas A happy, happy Christmas

# Muslim's spending their money all the time

# A merry, merry Christmas A happy, happy Christmas

# Muslim's spending their money all the time... #

Have you ever wondered why we Muslims are always left

out of the Christmas activities?

Well, not any more, thanks to

Mr Khan's Traditional Halal Mince Pies!

I'm looking to use your cash and carry in return

for a 1% equity stake in my company.

This Christmas, the pie is the limit!

I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have.

In what way are they halal?

-It's the mince.

-What?

The mince is all halal lamb.

I say lamb, it's actually doner kebab meat and offal.

Much cheaper!

Mince pies are only supposed to have dried fruit in them.

They've got that too! No brandy, though. We Muslims don't drink.

Not like you Hindus. No-one drinks like you Hindus.

-I'm sorry?

-I use Benilyn instead!

It gives you a warm glow and fixes the tickly throat!

But that's...

We can get Paul Hollywood to do the adverts.

He's so brown he looks like a Pakistani!

-Look, I don't think...

-Try one.

-No, thanks.

I used last night's keema in these ones.

There might even be a few peas in there, too!

-Sorry, I'm out.

-What?

I'm not interested in going into business with you.

-Wait, there must be something I can do?

-I don't think so.

Let me show you my business plan.

Oi! Cup of tea!

Chup! I'm dealing with the other Dragon!

-I'm sorry about that.

-I should be going.

No! Please, give me a minute.

Cup of tea!

-I'm sure I can convince you.

-Hurry up, you idiot.

Shush, I'm in a meeting, I'll get your tea in a minute.

Now, stay here and be quiet.

Now, where were we?

You know what, maybe there is some agreement we can come to after all.

What?

Now that you've sweetened the deal.

Oh, you like chocolate, do you?

I love chocolate!

Eat my cheese!

I'll see myself out.

I'm off to the Winter Wonderland at the community centre.

Are you going?

Some poxy fairy lights and a load of stalls selling tat.

-I'm taking my six-year-old daughter.

-And she'll have a lovely time! Bye.

Eh! Have you given Shazia her surprise Christmas present?

I told you, I'll do it later!

It's hardly a surprise, anyway!

You give them chocolate every year, you give everyone chocolate,

-except me.

-It's not chocolate.

-What?

-I'm not giving them chocolate.

-What are you giving them, then?

-Money, for their house.

-How much money?

-£2,000, cash.

Oh, twadi!

Where are you going?

-Winter bloomin' Wonderland!

-What about me?

-Right, where did you get £2,000 from, anyway?

-I've got money.

First I've heard of it.

As soon as this is sorted, you're getting a backdated invoice!

Look, Mo, there's a candyfloss stall. And a merry-go-round.

Isn't it great?! We're going to have a brilliant time!

It's weak, sis. It's cheap and nasty and sad and depressing.

I think they've captured the true spirit of Christmas.

-Where are you going with that?

-It's for the snow machine.

Now, let's get you in the chair. Right, come on.

-No, don't touch me!

-I've got to get you out!

-Don't touch me!

-I've got to touch you, to get you out.

And believe me, I don't want to touch you.

Oh, twadi!

All right, come on, come on, easy.

-Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.

-Waleikum assalam, Riaz!

-Hello, sir.

-Hello, Amjad.

You do know Naani's on a donkey?

-Yes, thank you.

-Dad! You came.

Yes. Naani wanted to see Winter Wonderland.

Where's her wheelchair?

She lost it. Hopeless.

Sir. Look at my snow machine!

Brilliant.

I have to collect as much scrap paper as possible.

-Good luck! I've got more important things to do.

-Like what?

Like getting some candyfloss!

PHONE PLAYS BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

-Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

-Haan, it's me.

Oh, hello, sweetie.

-We're at the airport.

-Yes.

-Where are you?

-Yes, yes, I'll be there.

I'll be there to pick you up. OK, bye.

-What a surprise!

-I told you I was coming.

If you let me finish, what a surprise to all the people

who didn't think you were coming!

So, are you enjoying the Winter Wonderland?

-Not really, in fact, we're thinking of leaving.

-No!

I have a special meeting to go to.

There's lots still to see.

There's a donkey dressed as Red Nose the Reindeer!

-No, thanks.

-Mr Khan, Shazia needs you to help Dave.

Not now, Riaz!

He's doing his performance, with the princess and the reindeer

and a talking snowman.

I'm not interested!

-Oh, we love that film, don't we, darling?

-Me too!

It's our favourite. That one and The Snowman.

This is going to be the biggest snowman show, ever.

We got all the snowmen. Talking ones, singing ones...

-Flying ones?

-Yep.

-No, we haven't.

-Chup!

We'll definitely stick around for that!

-I can't wait to see how you're going to do it.

-No, nor can I!

HE HAWKS

Mr Khan! Salaam aleikum and Merry Christmas!

Hello, Dave. What's happening with the show?

It's a bit of a personal project of mine.

It's the story of a sweet, kind but lonely snowman

who just wants to help people and make the world a better place,

but no-one takes him seriously.

-So, it's about you.

-No, of course not.

What's the snowman's name?

Dave.

You see, Dave, you're so selfish! I'll be the snowman.

-But...

-Can I be the reindeer?

-Sure.

I wanted to be the reindeer.

It doesn't matter who plays what. It's a team effort.

There's no "I" in team

and there's no "I" in Frozen Snowman Extravaganza,

-either, is there?!

-Wait.

There isn't! Now, chalo!

-Riaz, I need your help with something.

-OK.

The Indian guy outside has got an envelope

full of cash in his jacket that belongs to me.

How did it get in his jacket?

He took it by accident. He thought it was a bribe.

-Why would he think it's a bribe?

-Exactly!

When has a Pakistani businessman ever offered anyone a bribe?

Ask for it back.

Riaz, he's Indian. Indians never give money back.

If you don't believe me, try returning three kilos

of rotten galangal to Mohan Lal's Mini Mart

on Ladyburn Road.

How are we going to get it?

We'll just get him up on stage and I'll take the envelope

-when he's not looking.

-Won't he notice it's gone?

I'd notice if someone took something from my jacket.

What jacket?

Where's my jacket?

Look, it's fine. We're going to replace the envelope with this one.

-All you have to do is get the guy up on stage.

-OK.

What guy?

The Indian guy from outside!

I can't remember him. What does he look like?

-Indian.

-Got you.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the

Sparkhill Christmas Snowman Extrava...

Actually, I can't really do the voice. Sorry.

Where is my trusty reindeer?

-Salaam aleikum.

-ALL: Waleikum assalam.

-I don't think the reindeer can speak.

-Why not?

-It's a reindeer.

-The snowman can speak.

-It's a magic snowman.

-I'm a magic reindeer.

Yes, but...

Where is the princess?

Unlucky.

I quite like it.

Looks like we're all here. Who wants to build a snowman?

-ALL:

-Yes!

OK, then.

He looks pretty good. If only he could talk.

Surprise!

I'm a talking snowman. I got no bones, only snow.

And I got a carrot for a nose!

And what's your name?

Mr Khan.

OK. Who wants to come and say hello to...

Mr Khan the talking snowman?

-ALL:

-Me!

Hang on a minute, Dave.

I'm so cold. Won't somebody give me a jacket?

You're a snowman. Snowmen don't feel the cold.

Pakistani ones do, and I'm bloomin' freezing!

Come on, somebody give me their jacket.

Not you.

The Indian!

Just you, not the kid.

Give me your jacket.

I'd rather not. You can have my scarf.

-I don't want your scarf.

-When are you going to fly?

Later. Give me your jacket.

No.

-Nice scarf.

-Who wants sweeties?

-What are you doing?

Look, a flying snowman.

Oh! Wrong one!

Yes? Oh!

Yes!

Hai! Mera snowballs!

This is great!

We're going to make loads of money for the daycare centre.

And in a minute, you're going to see your very first white Christmas!

OK, budhoo?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

We're going to need more paper!

PHONE PLAYS BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

-It's me!

-Oh, hello sweetie, merry Christmas!

Don't you "merry Christmas, sweetie" me! Where are you?

I'm on my way, sweetie!

-I just had to get Naani's money back!

-What money?

It's a long story, sweetie, don't worry, it's all sorted now!

Yes, I'm coming. I'm just about to leave!

I've just got to get out of this snowman costume.

OK. OK, bye.

Honestly, stupid woman.

The money! No, come back! The money!

Riaz! Oh, no! Riaz!

Not the money, not the money!

Get out the way!

Out the way!

# We're walking in the air

# We're floating in the moonlit sky... #

Riaz! No!

Nooooo!

HE GROANS

Oh, no!

That's my money! That's not snow!

That's my money! That's £2,000 worth of snow.

-How much did we make?

-Nearly £500.

Now the daycare centre will be able to get their new soft play area.

Yeah, but Baby Mo won't be able to play in it.

-Why not?

-We're going to have to move.

-No, you're not.

-What?

Everyone open their Christmas present.

Oh, chocolates, same as last year!

Thanks, Naanijaan! I'll eat them later.

Thank you! I'll eat mine later, too!

-We haven't got one.

-Yes, you have. A special one.

-Where is it?

-He's got it.

Dad? Naani says you've got our present.

Here it is.

Oh, my gosh! It's money! There must be almost...

..a lot of money in here.

It's exactly £2,000.

To buy your home.

Now we can afford the deposit! Oh, Naani!

Thank you so much.

-I thought the money went in the shredder?

-It did.

What?

It's just another Christmas story, involving a sack,

some chocolate and a fat man with a beard flying through the air.

But like all Christmas stories, all's well that ends well.

How did you get the money back?

Here you are.

Not my baby!

Papaji! You can't sell your car!

Alia's right.

It's not important, Shazia, it's just a car...

with an engine and four wheels and...

30 years of beautiful memories!

But the most important thing is that I still have my family.

My wonderful grandson, my two beautiful daughters,

and my ever-loving wife by my side.

Oh, twadi!

What is it, sir?

She's going to stick my ding-dong merrily on high!

Oi, Oi! Come back!

I need a lift to the airport!