A Brief History of Tim Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Oh!

MUSIC: Tightrope by The Stone Roses

# You should've been an angel

# It would've suited you

# My gold-leaf triptych angel

# She knows just what to do

# Long way down... #

PHONE RINGS

Not now!

No! Go away!

HE GROANS

"Momma's special cream."

PHONE RINGS

-Tim, are you there?

-Aw!

Hey, get out of bed, you crippled fuck!

You have that interview today!

And you better not be playing your "Poor Timmy" act

otherwise they're going to send your ass back to the States.

Quasimodo, you hear me?

You've got to stop dreaming

like you can fucking draw cartoon characters with your crayons!

It's not going to work out, baby!

-Did you get my package?

-Yes, Mom.

You've got to rub it in your hands, all that cream, OK?

And you start from your neck down.

-You can do that.

-Yep.

How many other people have you given it to?

-Just you.

-OK.

You're the only one that has cerebral palsy.

It's going to help you and it'll make you feel better.

-OK.

-Hey, and put your fucking shoes on, dammit!

I have to go now.

Bye, Mom.

-Goodbye!

-I love you.

SHE LAUGHS

I love you too, honey.

Go get them, baby! Go get them. I'll call you later.

I love you.

# Old MacDonald had a farm

# E-I-E-I-O! #

BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Hello, Idris.

-There you go.

So how did it go?

They're so greedy.

-What are you talking about?

-The gays.

Their flag - disabled people don't have a flag

because the gays took all the colours.

-How was it?

-What?

The interview, the 37th job interview we've sent you to.

Did you smash it?

My job is your job.

I send you down any road to get you there.

How many roads must a man walk down...

# Before you can call him a man? #

Bob Dylan.

You know, I used to think that I could not go on

and that life was nothing but an awful song.

R Kelly.

Please tell me you went to the interview.

You did actually turn up, didn't you?

# If I can see it then I can do it

# If I believe it there's nothing to it

# I believe I can fly

# I believe I can touch the sky

# Think about it every night and day

# Spread my wings and fly away... #

It's a long song this, isn't it? It's a long song.

Excuse me, erm,

do you have cerebral palsy?

Yep.

My brother had that.

Mm-hm.

He died from it.

You don't die from cerebral palsy.

You killed your brother, didn't you?

HE LAUGHS

Missed the goddamn bus again.

Every time.

Just how hard did you nail the interview?

Oh, no way, Dominic said he won't come.

He wants to go to a better place.

"A better place where the barmaid doesn't look like a sumo."

Oh, my God! He's sent a picture.

That's hilarious. Literally, look at that.

That's literally you, isn't it?

You can't get angry when it's factual. Classic Dominic, isn't it?

It's like you in a nappy and he's not bloody wrong, is he?

Classic Dom.

Oh!

HE SPEAKS WELSH

-Excuse me?

-Yeah?

Idris, is it? That's original, isn't it?

-Yes, it's Welsh.

-Right, blimey, tell Luther that.

It's hilarious. Idris.

SHE LAUGHS

What's this?

-That's disgusting!

-Look at this, look.

How are you going to get a girlfriend

with shit like this going on?

The reason I don't have a girlfriend

is your mom wants to keep it casual.

You're 26-year-old and you're still doing "your mom" gags.

Yeah, you're better than that.

Your mom gags... Your mom gags all the time.

Let's now think about your interview.

So tell me what happened. No, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

They asked you where you saw yourself in five years' time

and you said you would be the eyes of the blind...

..the ears of the deaf and the voice of the voiceless.

Oh, Idris...

In five years I'll be dead.

But in 1,000 years I'll be brought back to life

because by that time every company will need a disabled person

to fill their quotas,

but there'll be no disabled people left, so they'll have to clone me.

Then everyone else will have to quit

and then they'll have to resort to a life of crime

and then I'll have to arrest the entire planet

and build a prison on the moon.

Then all the Tims will look to the heavens and will scream,

"Is that what you want, Idris?"

-Is it?

-"Is it, Idris?"

I just want you to stick on...and get a job.

-"Is that what you want?"

-It's not...

MUSIC: The Roller by Beady Eye

# Just call me the roller, ah-ah

# I'll squeeze and unfold you

# Call me the roller

# I just gotta show you

# So you been crawling through a maze

# An alcohol lemon haze

# I've been watching you for days

# You've been outta sight... #

-It's cosy in here.

-Mm.

LIFT: Doors opening.

He did this to me.

Just put me out of my misery. Did you get the job?

Maybe I'm not disabled.

Maybe land is not my forte.

How long have we known each other?

Five months now.

Five long months.

One of them was February.

You came to me afraid.

A fresh-faced young graduate with a dream -

that he'd be judged not on the motion of his feet,

but on the contents of his comics.

I offered him the gentle lapping waves

of a fixed-term temporary contract.

Did I not offer asylum where once there had been

the looming threat of a late night knock at the door

from immigration enforcement?

But there comes a time when we just have to be normal.

We have to brush our teeth.

We have to comb our hair.

Sometimes we have to put shoes on when we go outside.

We have to wake up in the morning

and stare at the man looking back at us in that mirror.

And we have to say to him,

"Why can't you be normal?"

Why can't you be just like everybody else?

HE GROANS

He's doing that.

He's doing that now...he's doing that now.

He's playing up on it.

Maybe you're just unemployable.

Just tell him.

OK, fine.

Yes, I like aquaerobics. Do you?

So...

Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.

So, Timothy Rencow?

-It's "Kow".

-Kow.

-Kow.

-Cow.

-Kow.

-Kow.

-Kow. Kow.

-Rencow.

Renkow.

Let me tell you a bit about our magazine. Hm?

See. here at Mother And Child Magazine we aim to encourage

and inspire and empower parents to raise their children

as naturally and holistically as possible.

Is that something you can relate to?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah. You know, just the other day me and a friend

were walking down the street and we saw a women breast-feeding a child.

Lovely.

And my friend looked at it and he went,

"Oh, my God! That is disgusting!

"Why can she do that but I can't piss on the street?"

So I was like, "Well, it's kind of different

"because your penis is very weird

"and you're not feeding a baby,

"and if you are feeding a baby, you should stop."

I don't want to talk for your readers yet,

but I think they'll agree with me

when I say it's very hard to find an excuse to piss on a baby.

OK, look, I know I need to apologise about this morning at the bus stop.

I just found out that my mother had passed away.

Ah.

Gosh, that's terrible.

Sam, I am so sorry I'm late.

I just had... So, Sean, this is Tim.

Tim's just had some horrible news.

His mother passed away this morning.

Tim, I mean... Tim, do you want to reschedule this meeting?

You know what I'm thinking?

Next month's issue - the maternal bereavement.

You could be the perfect person to help, sort of,

put that together for us.

That would be wonderful.

Amazing.

PHONE RINGS

-HIS MOTHER:

-'Timmy, are you hearing me?

-'Did you get the job?'

-I'll see myself out.

'Or did you pull some of your bullshit?'

HE GROANS

IDRIS LAUGHS

I'm trying to have a phone call, actually.

I don't know what they're doing.

# You should've been an angel... #

I'm Eva.

It's been very inspirational to meet you, Tim.

# My gold-leafed triptych angel... #

Don't leave me hanging. Yes! All right!

HIS MOTHER: 'You better have got that job.'

You know, in China they use people like you as slaves.

'That's what they do. Don't make me come over there.

'Hello?! Have you got a girlfriend?

'Have you got something going on?'

SHE LAUGHS

'Tim!

'Hello?! Honey! What's up?'

# I swear I saw her angel wing

# My vision was complete... #