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I've just been going through this crazy dry spell.

I try talking to women, but it's like I reek of desperation.

And it's not that I'm a sexual novice.

I lost my virginity at 16, a year below the national average.

The fact is, I'm a nice guy

and women only want to get with bad boys.

Know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

So, the dissolution of the monasteries...

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

-Alice, I'm bored.

-Shh, get on with your homework.

This isn't homework. You're making me do your tax return.

Yeah, so you can learn maths.

DOORBELL RINGS

Sebastian, tuck your shirt in. What will your new tutor think?

All right? Sorry I'm late.

I came straight here from Latitude.

-Are you Nicola?

-Yeah.

But my mates call me Neck, cos, you know...

SHE GLUGS

So, who's ready to learn Spanish?

I hired you to teach English.

Oh, thank Christ, cos I do not know Spanish.

But hey, never turn down a job.

SHE RETCHES

Where were we?

This dry spell is getting out of hand.

My condoms keep passing their expiry date.

Why is it so hard to meet someone?

Maybe cos you spend all your time with kids and live with your mum.

-Could be a factor.

-At least you're not a live-in tutor.

My kid's parents are never not fighting.

Plus, Bella's always on my case - "Oh, teach me, teach me."

It's like modern-day slavery.

But you live in Kensington.

Yeah, in an attic, like some Victorian madwoman.

How is this my life? It's all right for you guys to be failures,

but I was privately educated. No offence.

How could that not be offensive?

Hey, at least it's just a stopgap.

We'll move on better things.

Ha!

What's that, mate?

This was my stopgap job...

to pay the bills while I wrote my bestseller.

Now, ten years on,

instead of sipping cocktails with Salman Rushdie,

I spend most nights shouting abuse at my pet lizard.

Keith, just cos you screwed up your life doesn't mean we will.

You want an image of your future?

Take a good look.

MAN: Keith, someone's pissed all over the bathroom floor!

HIP-HOP MUSIC

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, Paul. Sorry I'm late.

There was this crazy guy on the bus singing the whole of Cats,

so I went a few extra stops.

Crumbs, Neck, I meant to e-mail you.

Simon's away at the moment,

on holiday with his mother and her new husband.

I don't know why I do that. She and Hector are legally married.

Right, I'll...head off, then.

You know, it's funny -

I gave up my career to spend more time with my family.

Turns out they don't want to spend more time with me,

so it's just me here now, on my lonesome.

-Sounds shit. So...

-Oh, no, it's not all doom and gloom.

I've been playing Call Of Duty on my son's PS4.

You can play online, which is fun.

Although I do keep getting called a fag by American teenagers.

Oh, they'll do that.

Oh, shit. I could have done with that 30 quid.

I'll have to tell my landlord I'm in hospital again.

What's more believable, car accident or scurvy?

I mean, I could, erm...

I could pay you to spend the hour with me.

I'll be frank, I've been rather starved of company of late and...

we could play Call Of Duty.

You want to give me money to play computer games?

As long as you don't call me a fag!

PEACEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

-How is this a lesson?

-You're learning about the muscular system.

-This isn't fair.

-Here's a lesson - life's not fair.

If it was, Daddy wouldn't have been imprisoned for doing a tiny bit of

major fraud and I wouldn't have to scrape a living with dumb kids.

-I'm sorry.

-Apology accepted.

Now...

MAN AND WOMAN ARGUE

Jesus, get a divorce!

Daddy says he booked a trip this weekend

to save their twisted husk of a marriage.

Oh, sweet! So I get the whole place to myself?

-No, I'll still be here.

-What, they're not taking you?

No. Mummy says I remind her of the body she used to have.

Oh, great, so now I have to be your baby-sitter, too?

God, my life is torture.

I didn't say stop.

-MAN:

-You shrew!

-WOMAN:

-I hate you! I hate you!

-MAN:

-You murdered my heart! You murdered my heart!

I need to end this dry spell.

Last night, I got a semi watching Poirot.

In my defence, that murdered girl was stunning.

Just do what normal people do, pick up some randomer in a bar.

I hate bars, they're like meat markets and I'm, you know, Quorn.

Hey, there's someone for everyone.

Not true.

Sometimes you don't find anyone and end up buying a reptile just so

there's another heartbeat in the house.

Mate, do you mind?

Point is, you never know what life has in store.

I'm off to play Call Of Duty with a middle-aged man.

-You're seeing that weird dad again?

-It's a sweet deal.

He gives me money for my time and company.

It's like I've invented a new job.

Very much the oldest job.

I mean, you do realise you're basically an escort?

Fuck off! It's not like a sex thing.

-Oh, it's a sex thing.

-Oh, it is. It's definitely a sex thing.

-There's a creepy older guy...

-He is not creepy.

I mean, his dressing gown did fall open a couple of times,

but he swore it was an accident.

-Shit. It's the Ag Hags.

-Who are the Ag Hags?

They were, like, the most popular girls at St Agatha's. If they turned

against you, you'd have an eating disorder by lunch.

-Oh, aren't you going to say hi?

-Are you insane?

Find out how crap my life is, I'll never live it down.

-O-M-G, Alice!

-Shit.

Hettie! Lucinda!

Oh!

Haven't seen you since we left St Ag's!

-How the fuck are you, babe?

-Genuinely incredible.

Yeah, my life is exactly how I wanted to be.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear it.

We and the rest of the gang are wondering where you've been.

Well...just got really into pills.

Went to this really sweet rehab clinic in Switzerland.

Oh, God, I missed this.

They seem awful.

I wish one of them would have sex with me.

Right, mate, we are going out tonight.

Neck, I don't want to go trawling around bars

like some blue-balled tug boat.

OK, fine.

GIRLS LAUGH

School was so jokes. Like, best time of my life.

Even when you wet yourself in ceramics

then hid your tights in the kiln?

Lucinda! You're such a bitch!

What are you up to these days, Alice?

Pfft. Not really doing the whole job thing,

more like, living off the 'rents, loving life.

-A-standard!

-That's weird, cos I heard that your dad's in jail

and your family is, like, bankrupt.

Pfft, hardly. I actually just bought a massive house in Kensington.

-Oh.

-Oh, congrats.

You'll be having a house-warming, then.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. This Saturday.

-It's going to be mental.

-And I assume we are invited?

-Um...

-O-M-G, you have to invite us, Als.

If you don't, we'll tell everyone you're now morbidly obese.

Of course you're invited!

To my house in Kensington that I definitely own,

in which I'd obviously be allowed to throw a party.

I look forward to a memorable evening.

GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS

I like to pretend those German snipers are Hector.

Try bedding my wife after you've been blown up by my proximity mine,

-you Nazi!

-Oh, I keep getting killed!

Try crouching while you shoot.

-How do I do that?

-Give the L-2 button a squeeze.

Here, let me show you.

Mate, is this a sex thing?

God, Neck, no!

That would be completely inappropriate.

And what with my marital woes,

-I've not been able to maintain an erection in five years.

-Oh, good.

I mean, not the erection thing.

Listen, you should just see me as an older man who happens to give you

money to spend time with him. What's so strange about that?

-Kind of all of it.

-Oh, I suppose you're right.

It's just nice to have someone to hang out with.

Last week, I flooded my own toilet

-just so I could spend time with the plumber.

-Wow!

I feel really bad for you that your life's so shit.

I guess this isn't that weird.

Tell you what, I'll stick around.

-Really?

-Sure!

Cos when I see a fellow human in need,

I have a duty to help them and I'm going to do whatever it takes

to cheer you up!

Gosh, Neck, that's so kind of you.

I mean, you'll keep paying me, right?

-Absolutely!

-Cool!

Neck, I appreciate the moral support,

but I don't know if I can do this.

All the men here have shirts and...haircuts.

Come on, pal, you're a real catch.

Ah, Francis! I very much hope you have intercourse tonight.

-Who's this guy?

-Paul.

You know, the weird dad?

-I'm cheering him up.

-And doing a top-notch job.

It's lovely to be out of the house.

Also, I've just met this charming young filly

whom I may proceed to woo.

Probs don't call her a filly, then,

or use the word "woo".

But what if I embarrass myself?

Mate, if Paul can chat someone up,

then you should at least be able to get a half-hearted handjob.

Thanks, Neck. You're right.

I am a catch!

Hello.

One good thing about living with my mum

is I have a very powerful shower.

Hello!

Bottled beer. Good choice.

Much harder to spike.

I mean, a lot of women are having pre-emptive surgery these days,

because you can get breast cancer at any age.

I'm so sorry. I don't know how I got onto that.

ASIAN ACCENT: I am most honoured to meet you.

So sorry, I'm not racist.

I'm just very nervous.

HE GRUNTS

I don't know anyone who's died of cancer, but I'm sure I will.

You know, I'm probably going to die of ca... Fuck's sake...

CONTINUES GRUNTING

Made it worse, didn't I?

Mate, that is the worst thing I have ever seen

and I once saw two pigeons who were fucking get run over.

I'm officially giving up.

I can't take any more rejection.

Come on, this place is bangin'. Even Paul's making headway.

Argh!

I was just wooing you!

I should check he's OK.

Hi. Sorry, I've been watching you strike out

-and it's genuinely impressive how bad you are at this.

-Thanks.

But you keep trying. You're like one of those inflatable clowns -

no matter how many times you get punched,

you just keep popping back up.

Yeah, it's official - I'm going to die alone.

Well, I think it's cute.

OK.

-Can I...buy you a drink... of alcohol?

-Might be an idea.

I am most honoured... Yeah, let's get that drink.

Her name's Sabina and I think she might be the one

to end my dry spell.

Plus, I'm pretty sure it's not like some messed up sex game

where she takes you back to hers and it turns out she has a husband

and they lock you in a cupboard and you have to listen to them

having sex for two hours!

It'd be really unlucky for that to happen more than once.

Alice, do you mind if I invite Paul?

Obviously. It's meant to be a cool party, not a sad dad convention.

Come on, mate, he's in a really bad way.

First, he got Maced by a filly

and then his ex-wife called to say his son might not be his.

Fine, but he's not allowed to talk to anyone.

Ooh, caviar!

-I thought you were broke.

-Yes, I am, but the Ag Hags can't know that.

Why are you so desperate to impress a bunch of clowns

who play polo and fuck their cousins to keep the bloodline pure?

Because, someday, I'll get back to where I'm meant to be,

and, when I do, I don't want people knowing

I was some shitty little nanny.

-Alice, can you help me with my homework?

-I'm talking to my friends!

Wait, the kid's still here?

-Yeah.

-Doesn't that mess up the whole secret party thing?

Oh, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Neck, do you mind?

Oh, my...

-Mmm...

-Mmm...

Wow, you're perfect!

You're not so bad yourself.

Now, let's end that dry spell.

Oh, please, God, yes!

THEY CHUCKLE

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Look, there's something you should know about me.

Whatever it is, I don't care.

Well, you might care. I kind of have this fantasy...

-Ooh, kinky!

-It's kind of strange.

-I like strange.

-Sort of a role-play thing.

Role play's cool! I can be a sexy...farmer

who's all sweaty from milking cattle and getting EU subsidies.

I can't get turned on unless my partner is dressed up...

Great.

..as a baby.

-A baby?!

-Like, a human baby?

I mean, she seemed like a normal woman, apart from fancying me.

Oh, that is so messed up. What did you do?

I asked if I had to wear the nappy.

There was a nappy?!

She seemed pretty set on it, so I pretended to have IBS and left.

Oh, mate, I genuinely thought you were going to get some.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

Yeah, the thing is, I'm thinking, maybe I keep seeing her?

-You mean...?

-Shag someone in a nappy.

Maybe the nappy is negotiable.

I mean, there's compromise in every relationship.

You'd still be boning a baby lady.

But she's cool and funny and fit,

and just because she has one slightly alarming kink,

does that mean I should just throw the baby out with the bathwater?

And yes, I immediately regret using that phrase.

Francis, it sounds like you really like Sabina, so,

maybe you should give things another shot.

-Yeah?

-Definitely.

-Right, Neck?

-Sure.

Oh, thanks, guys.

Yeah, you're right. I'm going to go call her.

You promise it's not too weird?

-Nah.

-No way.

It IS really weird, though, right?

Oh, the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

What am I going to do about Bella?

I can't have the Hags finding out I'm some loser tutor.

-No offence.

-Not bothered.

Took a couple of tranquillisers an hour ago, so I'm golden.

Why have you got tranquillisers?

Phase two of my mission to cheer up Paul -

enough drugs to knock out a horse.

I also got him skunk, ecstasy, LSD,

you know, a good starter pack.

You've got to be careful with that stuff.

I don't want you OD-ing and fucking up my party.

Actually...you got any spare tranquilisers?

Do you need Mummy to change you?

Is everything OK? Oh, is it the IBS again?

No, no, it's just...

maybe for now, we can hold off on the baby stuff.

Like I said, I kind of need it, otherwise I can't...

Well, I was thinking perhaps, uh, we could compromise.

So, you're clearly into age differences, so I thought,

instead of me dressing as a baby, you could dress as an old woman.

Yeah? I've got some props.

I could call you Doris and you could reminisce about rationing

while I pumice your corns. That's a euphemism.

Francis, I thought you were cool with this side of me.

Oh, yeah, super-cool with it.

Still, you've got to admit the baby thing is quite,

-well, not weird, but...

-I knew this would happen. This always happens.

Nothing's happening.

There's a difference between fantasy and reality, Francis.

Why don't people get that? I'm a member of this forum

and there are two Nobel prize-winners on there.

I completely respect that.

I want to believe you. I just really hoped you were someone

that could see past it.

I think...I think maybe you should leave.

Mind if I take the wig?

It was, like, £35.

Expensive.

I'm buzzing for this.

Finally, a chance to let my hair down.

Your hair's never up. You had a rave last night.

-What's wrong with you?

-Sorry, it's all this Sabina stuff,

but I think I've got one more chance.

I begged her to come tonight.

I need to prove I don't think she's a freak.

She is a freak, though.

Yeah, but a really hot one who I think I might love.

Love is a cruel illusion.

I thought you said you were going to get into the party spirit.

Last night, I drank a whole bottle of Famous Grouse

and watched Finding Nemo three times.

Mate, this party is going to turn all that around.

Let's just say it'll expand your horizons.

-Why would we say that?

-Guys!

Welcome. Help yourself to drinks.

I mean, stay clear of the champagne, I'm not made of money.

Nice hair.

Thank you, yeah. It took 16 cans of hairspray to get it like this.

-So, where's Bella?

-In bed.

I slipped a couple of tranquillisers into her cocoa.

Right. Isn't that a bit...wrong?

I put her in the recovery position.

Now get in there and have some fun!

MUSIC: Waiting All Night by Rudimental

This party's not bad. Who are all these people?

Oh, I got them from an agency.

-They're extras.

-We prefer "supporting artists".

Whatever. Get back to work.

Can't have the Hags realising I've only got two friends.

Hettie!

O-M-G, your place is amazeballs.

Those French doors are tres epic.

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

Oh, hey, where's your bathroom?

I was paying the cab driver and I accidentally touched his hand.

Oh, sure thing. It's just through there.

Wow!

-What?

-Considering you grew up with those guys,

you should be way more of a dickhead than you are.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Having fun?

Do you think it's possible to die of loneliness?

Right, Paul, don't take this the wrong way,

but your problems are really boring,

so shut up and take this LSD.

-Sounds a bit dangerous.

-Come on, how can this be bad for you?

They've put a smiley face on it.

-Who's "they"?

-Best not to think about that.

Listen, mate, from what you've said, you've got nothing to lose anyway.

Hmm?

Oh, any sign of baby lady?

Shh! She might be the only person

who's ever willing to have sex with me.

Oh, my God, there she is.

Sabina!

Hey, baby... Not baby.

Hi, Francis. Look, I almost didn't come, but I thought we should talk.

Look, you're a really nice guy...

Er, don't, cos I've got you a surprise.

Francis, whatever it is, I...

-Are you wearing...?

-I think I need Mummy to change me.

LAUGHTER

How are you feeling, mate?

Wonderful!

The rabbits are everywhere.

But it's cool. We have an understanding.

Also, each of my fingers has its own hand on the end of it.

Cool.

-Mmm.

-Mmm.

Put this on, put this on.

THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

-You are full of surprises.

-Ready for your next one?

Yeah.

I feel weird.

What's this?

-What is this?

-Everything's fuzzy.

-Is this what you think I'm into?

-What? No, no, no, no!

-This isn't the surprise.

-You monster!

Sabina!

HEAVY DANCE MUSIC

Nick, I'm concerned that I might be, as they say, freaking out.

The rabbits don't like me any more.

They don't hate me, but I feel they could turn at any moment.

Just ride it out.

Whatever you do, don't imagine that you're already dead

and have been for years.

I think I'm going to be sick.

This party is amazing. The Hags are loving it.

Hettie even says she might be able to swing me a job

at her dad's law firm.

I wouldn't have to be a fucking tutor any more. Again, no offence.

-I'm happy for you, man.

-No, stop! Just let me explain!

Sabina, please!

I bought a rattle! That was the surprise!

DOOR SLAMS

MUSIC STOPS

It's fine, everyone. He thought it was fancy dress,

so we can all go back to having a good time, right, Hettie?

Alice, who are all these people?

And what are they doing in my house?

Er, if this isn't your house, then why are you having a party here?

Alice is my tutor. She lives in the attic.

Well, this is turning into a very memorable evening.

Why is that baby so big?

Why is that baby so big?!

Aargh!

GLASS SMASHES

We're going to go. Erm...

Do you want to...pay us now, or...?

Cheer up. You'll be moving on to better things soon.

Oh, go tell it to your lizard.

Naomi and I aren't speaking at the moment.

She knows what she did.

Any word from Sabina?

Still won't answer my calls. The dry spell continues.

Maybe I should become a priest,

make this whole no-sex thing seem intentional.

So, Bella and I came to an arrangement.

If I just do everything she wants me to, pretty much forever,

she won't report me to her parents or the police.

Well, if it helps, I had a great night.

-It doesn't.

-Oh, I've got to go and teach some Russian kid

about soil erosion. Neck, are you heading my way?

No, I'm going down the aquarium with Paul.

Why are you still hanging out with that guy?

I guess I feel a bit bad I got him so high.

He did lose a lot of blood.

I just thought we should...hang out with him, now and then.

I appreciate that.

You seem cheerier!

A lot of that's the morphine.

Who wants to help me change my dressing?

How is this my life?

MUSIC: Pantalon by Kornel Kovacs