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I don't have to apologise for terrorism. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
This programme contains adult humour | 0:00:03 | 0:00:06 | |
-AMERICAN NEWSREADER: -And cities such as Birmingham | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
are 100% Muslim, non-Muslims are banned from living there. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
I'm just out here to remind people of George W Bush... | 0:00:11 | 0:00:15 | |
It sounds to me like a hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:19 | |
..and the neo-conservatives' illegal war on anything darker | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
than four pints of milk. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
What's going on in the... | 0:00:24 | 0:00:25 | |
And these cities are patrolled by Muslim militias ready to use violent | 0:00:25 | 0:00:30 | |
force on anyone not dressed in appropriate Muslim clothing. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
I'm just a normal man, trying to heal social fractures | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
and make the world in which we live a better place. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
And that's why you call me | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
Iron Man. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:42 | |
I call you Ironing Man. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
-Mm-hm. -You're just like Auntie Shagufta from Pakistan, | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
but with less facial hair. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:51 | |
Mm-hm, that's me, baby. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:52 | |
Mob! Open the door, man. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
-Wax! -Wax? | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
White puffy jacket, a few fries short of a Happy Meal. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
Always on Muslim Tinder. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
That's the guy... | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
How d'you know about Minder? | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Cousin, cousin... | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
Cousin. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
Wax, what d'you want, man? | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
Right, today is the day you stop avoiding Uncle Buj. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
Right, them other crews, | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
they won't even deal with anyone else except you. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
And it's proper losing him money, man. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
You are actually make him look quite bad. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:25 | |
Listen, why are you harassing man at home? | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
I done told you already, I'm out the squad, bro, OK? | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
-I'm trying to follow Deen now. -Dean?! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
The gora that lives at number 127? | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
The one that sells the fake Timberlands and the e-cigarettes? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
What has Dean done for you that Uncle Buj hasn't?! | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
Deen, as in Islam, dozy! | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
You would've known this if you'd come to mosque classes with me | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
instead of listening to Britney Spears' first album, innit? | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
Yeah, but that's a good album though. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:47 | |
-It's all right, I'm not going to lie. -# Hit me, baby, one more... # | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
-Shh, shh! -..time. -Stop all that. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
I'm out. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
What? It's not Argos, bro. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
You can't just quit. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
You'd better be seeing Uncle Buj by tonight otherwise. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
Otherwise? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:01 | |
-You know. -What's he going to do, finger my temple? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
It is going to be more than just a fingering, bro. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
That's not the first time you have said that to a man with a beard, is it? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
Listen, man. I'm just trying to gauge the threat level, innit? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
-Threat level? -Yeah. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:13 | |
Try Richter scale 7.2, bro. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
-Aks! -Do you want me to go upstairs and get the gun | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
-you keep under your bed? -Shut up! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
That's my little sister you're talking to. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
-Shush, please? -Why is this girl so strong, man? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
Wax, put the gun away and give me a hand with this. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
Grab the handle, yeah, grab that. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
This is the armed police! | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Stay right where you are. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Drop to the floor, hands on your head. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
You or me? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:43 | |
You, bro. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
Drop to the floor now! | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
We have reason to believe that you have also been harassing local women | 0:02:51 | 0:02:56 | |
via dating apps... | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
-How do they know that? -..like Minder, Muzmatch, | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
and Salaam Cupid. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
I'm not on that one. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Oh, my days. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
You're just like your jacket, you are. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
Manufactured by Asians and extremely thick. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
MOBEEN LAUGHS | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
Why are these girls so aggressive, man? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Anyway. Safe, Wax, yeah? Bye. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
-Yo, Lumbo. -Yo. -What's going on, man? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
-All right, how are you? -Listen, bro, man, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
I need to put this misconception to bed, yeah? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
People say that cos we're from the ends and we speak the way we do, | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
that we can't all rate in any other way. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
Let me tell you this, bro. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
I'm very proud of my roadman vernacular, | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
but I can mix it up as well, baby. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Watch this, yeah? | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Elaine, absolutely delicious recipe for those almond cupcakes. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:49 | |
They're so wonderful. Just like you. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
Haha! You see how we do this, Lumbo? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
Whee! | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
Yo, you could have been a Fed, you know, Saira. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
Woop-woop, it's the sound of the police. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
Woop-woop, have you made the sandwiches? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:04:03 | 0:04:04 | |
Clock's ticking, yeah, Mobs? | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Tick-tock, do you hear that? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
You better Lync Buj by the end of today, yeah? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Otherwise your sisters, yeah, | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
they're going to be looking for a new dickhead brother. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
I said it. Dickhead. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Don't make me get a rent a crew on this. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
# I ain't gotta talk no more Cos soon as I walk in the door | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
# Everybody stops doing what they're doing | 0:04:44 | 0:04:45 | |
# Don't know what they're pausing for, don't know what they're gawping for | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
# Bad boy from the LDN What the world's been calling for | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
# Been balling for And your girl gets wet. # | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
Well, what you saying, Eileen? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
# Get with the programme, I got the flow and... # | 0:04:55 | 0:04:56 | |
Eileen, sexual harassment in the workplace is a crime! Behave yourself. | 0:04:56 | 0:05:00 | |
# I'm gripping the Trojan Never gonna get caught slipping | 0:05:00 | 0:05:01 | |
# Never gonna get caught tripping Never too soft. # | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
SHOUTING | 0:05:04 | 0:05:05 | |
Neville, Fergus, | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
not again, man! | 0:05:07 | 0:05:08 | |
Snap his arse off and stick it up his arse! | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
Gah! | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
No, don't do that, don't do that! | 0:05:13 | 0:05:14 | |
The thing is, if Wax and Buj weren't after you, | 0:05:15 | 0:05:18 | |
someone else would be. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
I mean, it's like you say. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
Don't hate the player, | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
hate the gays. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:24 | |
Game. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:27 | |
What? | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
It's, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
Yeah, that does make more sense. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Basically, I was a middleman between Buj and all these crews up and down | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
the country, man. I used to run things nice and smooth, | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
violence free, almost. They used to call me The Counsellor. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:45 | |
Because you gave them wise counsel. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
And cos I grew up in a council house. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:49 | |
But anyway, forget all of them things there, bro. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
I need your advice, man. You're like my Yoda. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
The safety of the girls is my priority, | 0:05:54 | 0:05:55 | |
I'm trying to follow my faith but if I don't join the crew again, | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
these men might kill me, you know, it's that serious. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
You need to seek salvation by finding a place that's important to | 0:06:01 | 0:06:06 | |
the community, a place that's got plenty of security. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
You mean... | 0:06:09 | 0:06:10 | |
Sports Direct? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
Oh, don't be so fucking stupid. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
They did all right with your rubber ring, innit? | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
Sorted your haemorrhoids right out. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
We've got to find you a place where these unsavoury characters | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
can't get you. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
In his book the Art Of War, | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
the great military strategist Sun Tzu said, | 0:06:28 | 0:06:33 | |
"good fighters first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat." | 0:06:33 | 0:06:39 | |
Oh-ay, oh-ay, oh-ay. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Now, tell me, Moby... | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
Yes, Cyril? | 0:06:42 | 0:06:43 | |
Have you got my weed? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
Yes, I've got your flipping weed, Cyril. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Listen, I ain't supposed to be doing this, you know, bro. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
I'm trying to stay legit and that, but you did say this is for | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
-medicinal purposes, right? -Oh, yeah. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Yeah. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:57 | |
What are those medicinal purposes, again? | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Oh, don't get bogged down in specifics. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
The main thing is, I've got me sandwich and I've got me Pringles. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
Yeah, yeah, just take it easy when you smoke that shit this time, yeah? | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
I don't want no phone calls at 3.30 in the morning saying, | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
"There's a wolf in my shower cubicle and Ethel next-door is performing | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
"an exorcism." I ain't got no time for that. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
Wait a minute! These sandwiches, they're just...sandwiches. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
What the hell's going on? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
Listen, man, I put that weed in those sandwiches this... | 0:07:20 | 0:07:25 | |
Oh, SHIT. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:07:27 | 0:07:28 | |
THUMP | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
BOTH: Oh, shit! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
Yo, Lumbo, keep the camera still, man. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
-Hey, Moby. -Yo. -What's going on with your family situation? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Well, my mum's gone back to Pakistan indefinitely and that, and yo, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
the Navy SEALs that tracked down bin Laden couldn't find my pops, | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
I'm telling you this. But listen, | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
I'm here looking after the girls, it's my responsibility. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
Although I get treated like Geoffrey the Butler from Fresh Prince. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
Even though I'm Will Smith, baby! | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
I'd even take Carlton, you know. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:58 | |
The safety of the girls is my priority, | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
I'm trying to follow my faith but if I don't join the crew again, | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
these men might kill me, you know. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:07 | |
-Mobeen! -What the F...? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
Oh, Wax, man. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
You had plenty of warnings, bro. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
Time to go see Uncle Buj, come on. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:36 | |
I ain't going nowhere, man. What are you going to do? | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
What am I going to do? What am I going to do? | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
Fingering the temple, bro. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
No, listen, bro. I'm not scared of you, yeah, so I'm going to go home. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
-All right, yeah? -Not scared of me? | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
Not scared of me? Are you scared of the crew? | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
ENGINE REVS | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
Yeah, that's what I thought, didn't I? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
Come on. You're coming with me, man. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
Finally beat you, Mob, didn't I? | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
I finally beat the great Mobs. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
You know what the best thing is? | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
It's not even loaded! | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
Oh! | 0:09:06 | 0:09:07 | |
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mobs. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
I didn't know. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
I'm... I'm sorry, bro. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
I'm sorry. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:15 | |
Aah! | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
This arsehole shot me in the arsehole! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Oh, man. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
My arse is smoking, and not in a remotely sexy way! | 0:09:33 | 0:09:37 | |
Aaah. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
You lazy, lazy, wasteman. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Lying around in the daytime, get up. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
I've been shot, man. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
We've all got stuff going on, Mobeen. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
D'you realise when I settle down with the love of my life, | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
they're going to have to witness this scar on my booty | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
every single night? | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
I'm sure he won't mind. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:09 | |
They turn the lights off pretty early in prison anyway. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
Mum should've hit you a lot more when you were a kid. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
Your boy Cyril sent you this. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Give me that! At least someone's taking care of me, innit? | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
Don't worry, Mobs, you still have your dignity, yeah? | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
No-one can take that away from you, bro. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
-You don't look happy. -Woop-woop, do you want an adult nappy? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
Get out of here, you tramps. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
POP! | 0:10:39 | 0:10:40 | |
AIR HISSES OUT OF RUBBER RING | 0:10:40 | 0:10:41 | |
My life is whack, man! | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Oh. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
# I've found myself in a sticky situation | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
# Yeah | 0:10:51 | 0:10:52 | |
# A sticky situation | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
# Ooh | 0:10:54 | 0:10:55 | |
# I said a sticky situation | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
# A sticky situation | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
# Yeah now I'm all alone | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
# Without my heart leaping... # | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
HE GIGGLES | 0:11:14 | 0:11:15 | |
# Sound like a dog without a bone. # | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 |