Fail Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language

and some scenes of a sexual nature.

MUSIC: Mannish Boy by Muddy Waters

# Yeah

# Now, when I was a young boy

# At the age of five

# My mother said I was gonna be

# The greatest man alive... #

KNOCK AT DOOR, MUSIC STOPS

I'm on the loo.

OK, I'll wait.

WHISTLES A TUNE

TOILET FLUSHES

When I say Teppan, you say...

It's yaki!

-Did you want something, Dad?

-Yeah, your mum's birthday.

I've booked a table at the Japanese place, same one we went to after your school production of Cabaret.

-Could this not have waited?

-Oh, what a night that was, eh?

Remind me who you played again.

Other Nazi.

Well, you were absolutely... first-rate.

Or should I say...

Third Reich?

-OK, cheers, Dad.

-Hey, does Claire like Japanese food?

Oh, I see.

No, I wasn't...

I was checking my e-mails, and my hands got...dry.

Dude...

Our toothbrushes are right there.

But I can't pick up the Wi-Fi in my room,

which I need to send the e-mails, which is what I was doing.

A bit of a tip - I tend to send my e-mails, you know...

in the shower.

MUSIC RESUMES

# N

# That represent man... #

KNOCK AT DOOR, MUSIC STOPS

Paul? It's just me.

No, Mum...I'm on the loo!

OK. I'll wait.

TOILET FLUSHES

Hi, Poppet.

Just to say, your dad's booked that Japanese restaurant

for my you-know-what.

Thanks so much, Mum.

Er...you nearly finished in there?

Only do me a favour.

Don't use the expensive hand cream, OK?

MUSIC RESUMES

# That mean mannish boy... #

PHONE RINGS, MUSIC STOPS

HE SIGHS

Are you back?

Just landed.

Did you miss me?

HE SIGHS I missed you so much.

Actually, er...

I've made a wank collage of you.

In fact, I'm just prepped to give it another whirl.

Er, Paul, I'm with my parents.

You're on speaker.

Hi, Mr and Mrs Dixon.

How was the holiday?

MUSIC RESUMES

HORN BLARES

# I'm a full-grown man. #

Dubai?!

My dad reckons he can hook me up with an internship at his new firm.

Dubai-Dubai?

OK, you've got to stop saying it now.

-Your dad's never thought I was good enough for you.

-No...

I mean, yes, obviously, that is true, but...

And what about us?

Wait, is that why you brought me here?

You knew I'd never make a scene in a room full of hipsters.

Shit. Are you Jerry Maguire-ing me?

No. I brought you here because they have deep-fried gherkins.

And because I actually really missed you.

You had me at deep-fried gherkins.

Look...

They're only three hours ahead.

-We can talk every night...

-Wait, you're being serious about this?

-But I'm rubbish on Skype.

-What other option...

-The delay throws me.

Sorry.

What other option do we have?

Some shit-stained mattress on the floor somewhere in...

Cracktown?

Losing a fortune on travel and muggings?

You can move in with my folks.

-What?

-Yeah, it's perfect.

My mattress is almost completely stain-free.

But, most importantly, it means that you don't have to go to Dubai.

And then nothing comes between us.

Claire!

Ha!

Ooh... My God, Greg! Erm...

Paul, this... This is Greg.

'S'up, man? Tills, remember I told you about my drama school girlfriend Claire?

Wow - you're THE Claire!

-Oh...

-So, you two, you are...?

Together. Boyfriend-girlfriend. A unit.

The total package. Yeah, a perfect...

Yes, too much.

Er... So, do you guys live around here?

Yeah, we've literally just moved in, literally around the corner.

HE CHUCKLES

So how about you guys?

Yeah, Paul does.

Well, I... I suppose...

I do, too, now.

So we're neighbours?

Shit, how awesome is that?!

Really awesome.

So awesome.

It's quite possibly the most awesome thing that's ever happened.

Deep-fried gherkins?!

Mmm!

Games night's going to be so much more fun now that we're a foursome.

Oh, Claire, you may notice that, other than the bathroom,

there's an absence of locks around.

It's always been a sort of open-door house.

I'll get us a lock.

Whoa! This ain't a prison, buddy!

No - you want a bit of privacy, just slip a sock on your door handle.

Doesn't get more prison than that, does it?

Which reminds me, we've still got to finish Orange Is The New Black.

We should binge it as a family.

-Do you watch it, Claire?

-Not yet. I've been meaning to.

I like the story.

Marshall likes the lesbians.

Not "likes," Helen - LOVES.

BED SQUEAKS RHYTHMICALLY

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm great. This is great.

You... You just seem a bit...

HE SIGHS

Like, do you want me to do that thing you like?

Shh!

TOILET FLUSHES

Is there someone in the bathroom?

(Yeah.)

(Sorry.)

COUGHING AND RETCHING

GARGLING

COUGHING

HACKING AND SPITTING

I can't!

I can't do it. I can't do it, I'm sorry.

I just...

I just threw up in my mouth a bit.

Just what every girl wants to hear.

I could...

You know, I could finish you... Finish you off...

..if you're quiet.

Mmm, that's super-tempting, but I've...

got to learn these lines for this audition, anyway.

SHE SIGHS

I'm really happy you're here, though.

Helen, have you seen the haemorrhoid cream?!

I don't know why I moved Claire into my parents' house.

They're like sexual kryptonite.

Great name for a band!

Should we be on this floor?

-The creatives have better coffee.

-Yeah, because they deserve it.

Look, people are staring. They can smell the lack of ingenuity on us.

This new living arrangement is not ideal.

I've been in close quarters with you.

And it ain't pretty.

I haven't farted in days, Nick.

Days.

If I carry on like this, something might rupture.

Well, you need to dig deep,

cos now you've got this Greg guy to contend with, too.

What?

No, Greg's just an ex.

It's all in the past.

-He is pretty fit.

-How fit?

John Hamm fit?

-Hemsworth fit.

-Thor fit!

And he's an actor, so they've got that in common, as well.

You know, he's like a walking, talking, flexing reminder

of how much better she could do.

Google Image him - he's got his shirt off in every picture.

He's got...

those things.

Shit the bed!

You'll have to face him again.

Make him real, not some beautiful,

Thor-tinted memory.

Show Claire you're the better option.

Or at very least, stop thinking about your dad

while you're conkers-deep in your girlfriend!

We're from accounts.

So they didn't mention getting you back in for a recall?

I really don't want to talk about it. It's just a stupid advert.

For the record, I heard you practising in the shower,

and I genuinely believed

that you might have had a trip or a fall at work.

DOORBELL RINGS

Sorry, running late.

Claire Bear, you look gorgeous.

Paul.

Cool shirt. Very...

pockety.

They're not real.

They're sewn-up.

Hi, guys. Hope you like quinoa!

LAUGHTER

So, we're in the wings, Claire's got her legs wrapped around me,

we're going at it in the dark, and I start to feel woozy.

So he turns on the light and his eyes are bright pink.

And Claire's nose is bleeding.

Turns out I'd kicked over a bucket of bleach,

which had reacted with the heat from our bodies.

We're basically choking in a chemical sex cloud of our own making!

LAUGHTER

We... we did it on the beach in Portugal once.

Well, near the beach.

At our hotel.

Wait, shit!

Is Claire the co-creator of the position?

-Mmm.

-TILLY GASPS

I cannot believe you remember that!

What's the position?

These dirty perverts invented a sex position.

We called it The Shawshank Redemption.

Because it lasted three hours, and you'd always cry at the end.

OK, I think that's enough of a trip down memory lane now.

We can laugh about these old stories, right?

-We're all grown-ups.

-Are you kidding?

I... I love me some old stories.

Dickens...

Tolkien...

that Moby Dick guy.

You guys must have come up with a few moves in your time.

Three years together - it must be shag charades every night.

Yeah, we've been pretty busy.

My parents just got...Netflix,

so...

you know.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa!

Don't...

Don't miss me out!

-What about your sinus issue?

-Claire!

Please, sinus...

This mofo wants to get his smoke on.

MUSIC: Got My Mojo Working by Muddy Waters

# Got my mojo working but it

# Just won't work on you

-# Got my mojo working but it... #

-Now you.

# Just won't work on you... #

No. Leave her alone.

What?

MUSIC ON STEREO: Two Hearts by NZCA Lines

Baby, you just said something.

No, I didn't.

I fucking love this one!

# I lose in the storm... #

You OK?

I'm super-OK.

I love this one, too.

I really wish you'd stood up first.

SHE LAUGHS

# Cos I've been waiting for you

# Don't tell me we're lost

# Cos I've been waiting for you tonight

# Just don't tell me we're lost

# Cos I've been waiting for you... #

Thank you for tonight, babe. I know it was a bit...

(Yeah, I know.)

(I had fun. We should do it every Friday.)

Ooh, my God, I am so fucking stoned!

(Yeah, remember, indoor voice.)

You should totally take advantage of my impressionable state.

(Yeah, sounds good.)

Seriously.

I'll let you do anything you want.

Well?

(What, you want me to...tell you?)

Wow, let's see...

Anything...

Anything at all...

Let's drill a glory hole in the bathroom wall.

I'm like the Chinese language.

Hard. Two words.

Sex.

Bungee.

Babe, you can't think of anything?

No, of course I can, course I can.

Listen - we're going to go in the bedroom,

I'm going to... I'm going to...

take off your clothes...

and then also my clothes, so we'll both be...

fully...er...

-naked.

-Yeah, OK, what then?

And then... Then we'll... Then we'll do it.

But with the big light on, not the bedside one.

Big one.

-Mm-hmm.

-So we can see all the...

..bits, and it'll be like having sex, but...

..in HD.

Or we could just...

-do it normally.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, that could be...

-Mmm.

That could be...fun.

BED CREAKS

Don't lean on me so much!

Use the bed spring!

-Ooh!

-Use the bed spring...!

GASPING AND GRUNTING

Maybe just, er...

watch a bit of TV.

You should have heard Claire and Greg.

Swapping stories like horny World War II veterans.

Was she different after dinner?

Yes!

It was like he'd...

awoken something in her.

Her sex kraken - long since dormant, her sex kraken doth awaken.

Please don't talk about my girlfriend's sex kraken.

This isn't good, mate.

'I was completely out of my element.'

I couldn't do the things she wanted, you know, like...

kinky things.

Nicky, we're starting.

You know where I am right now?

Tap class.

Eve's making me do it.

-Why?

-'Cos it's incredibly sensual.'

No, tap is probably the least sensual of all the dances.

Er, then why do people say, "I'm going to tap that ass"?

-NICKY CHUCKLES

-'Look...'

'sometimes in relationships, you have to do things you're not comfortable with.'

So your girlfriend's into some funky sex shit - big deal!

I'm going full Strictly over here.

'Yeah, but how am I supposed to...'

get into the spirit of things with my parents in the room next door?

Find another way to show Claire you're on board,

cos if you don't get out your little dagger

'and slay that kraken quick, Greg's going to whip out'

his giant Conan sword,

and stick it right in there!

'Believe!'

Oooh!

You're so good at that, Claire!

I've had lots of practice.

HE COUGHS

We used to come to these places when I was little.

-Are you OK?

-HE CHOKES

Yeah, just went up the wrong hole.

Down!

It... It went DOWN the wrong hole.

PHONE VIBRATES

-Who's that?

-Oh, it's Greg.

He's going to help me run some lines for my recall.

I could do that with you.

Oh, thanks, but he just kind of gets my rhythm, you know?

It's like a wanky, unspoken actor thing.

Ah!

Well, a little, erm...

toasty-toast.

To my beautiful wife -

55 and still the sexiest woman in the...

Ooh!

Aww, that's so sweet!

I get your rhythm, for the record.

You know, I hate birthdays,

but spending time with you two funky young things,

I feel all youthful and reinvigorated.

And what, it'll just be you and Greg?

In fact, I reinvigorated Marshall three times last night!

HELEN LAUGHS

This is amazing!

You know, Claire, Marshall is the only man I've ever been with.

He, on the other hand, was quite the slut before he met me.

OK, come on, TMI.

We're having girls' talk.

If you don't like it, don't listen.

So, when you say "quite the slut"...

Yeah, well, it was the '80s, remember.

We didn't have tweets and box sets -

we just had Dynasty and our genitals to keep us entertained.

Can't we just sit here and have food flicked into our mouths

like a normal family?

Oh, you were always a bit of a late starter like me, bub.

I mean, 20 IS quite late, isn't it, Claire?

Think I'll have a go.

You said you were 16.

I was 16.

Sarah Hughes?

That flat-chested girl from your pastry club?

I don't think so, sweetheart.

CLAIRE LAUGHS

He had a sleepover once at her house -

he woke up in a mess, and we had to throw his sleeping bag away!

THEY LAUGH

Er... You fell off one of these in Corfu.

-Pontoon.

-Yes! My second-favourite condiment.

Worcester sauce.

When he was nine, Paul zipped his penis up in his what case?

-Violin!

-Yes!

-No, time's up.

Oh!

That was so good!

SMOOCHING

Right, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on,

come on, it's our turn. You're about to see how unspoken our rhythm is.

OK. Go!

-Oh, uh, OK, easy one. I'm terrified of these.

-Sharks.

-No, come on.

-Um...

It's, like, my ultimate fear, I talk about it all the time.

Er...spiders.

Global warming!

Never getting a real acting job!

Clowns, Paul.

-Clowns.

-I knew that, I knew that.

-Come on, next.

-Oh, simple - the month I was born.

Ummm...

Paul, the month I was born!

-I know this.

-Course you do.

And you shagged that flat-chested girl from your pastry club!

SHE LAUGHS

I can't handle this.

-Oh... Relax - it's just a game.

-It's not a game, all right?

It's them, putting me off with their...

-touching. It's inappropriate.

-You've always been so prudish!

-What?!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chillax, the pair of you, eh?

Look, Paul, I promise there will be no more inappropriate touching.

Just a little light rubbing.

That's it, all right, I've had enough!

We are not your friends, OK?

You do get that, right?

This is not a healthy parent-son dynamic.

And Sarah Hughes wasn't flat-chested.

She was athletic.

I'm sorry we embarrassed you.

Yeah, perhaps we should call it a night, hmm?

-Well, er...

-Mmm.

Goodnight, you two. Er...

..sleep thee well.

Goodnight.

What is your problem?

We were having a nice evening.

Me?!

HE GASPS

They're awful!

And what was that rubbish about me being prudish?

I'm going to go run lines with Greg.

"Run line."

Nick, code red.

I need to slay the kraken.

You won't regret this, mate.

After tonight, you and Claire will have so many sexy stories,

Greg will have to move away in shame.

You don't think this is all a bit much?

I might just do... dinner and flowers.

Trust me - the time for Nando's has passed.

The sexy water's warm, babe.

You need to dive in.

Yeah, maybe I'll just dip a toe in first - test it out a bit.

Come on, baby!

Er...Paul, what kind of club is this?

Er...I don't know. House, I think.

-Hey, if you're not up for it, we can always go.

-No, no, no.

I think this is going to be fun.

DEEP HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS

Welcome to the Thunderdome, fuckers!

It's a sex club.

No. HE CHUCKLES

Is it?

Is it?

Wait, so...

So you're just completely comfortable with...

With all of this?

All of what?

It's just boobs and cocks and shit.

-Unless you're not comfortable, we could...

-Are you kidding?

This place is awesome. You know, we should, er...

we should get crazy.

Come on, Eve, let's go grab some shots!

We should probably stick together. Oh, no, you guys, er...

stay here and enjoy the boobs and cocks and shit.

Last time I was here, they had a dick-shaped vodka luge.

Now THAT is a Facebook profile pic.

I think she's really into it!

Just...don't leave me on my own, OK?

Paul, I'm your sexual Gandalf.

I'll never leave you!

Fucking Gandalf.

To about here, dark hair?

You tried the orgy room?

What orgy room?

Holy shit!

HEAVY BREATHING AND MOANS

It's a no-clothes policy here, mate.

Sorry, is this the orgy room?

Stupid question. Can I...

-I'm just looking for my girlfriend.

-No clothes.

Yeah, but can I just keep them on for a sec, while I have a look?

Oh, come on. This...

This is ridiculous. You can't force me to take my clothes off.

HEAVY BREATHING AND MOANS

Oh, fuck me! Claire!

Please, please, please don't do this, Claire!

OK...

I know I'm not that kinky,

and I... I probably can't last the full Shawshank.

Get off her, you animals!

I'm here to conquer your kraken!

Oh, my God.

I am so...

sorry.

Wrong kraken completely.

Not that yours isn't, um...

I can see it's very popular.

Oh, my God. I just looked right at it.

So, did you guys all meet here, or is there a...

..Twitter page?

No, no, no, no. Come on - it was an honest mistake!

Look, there's my actual girlfriend!

Claire, tell them I'm really a prude!

Claire!

You have known me for three years.

Have I ever expressed any sort of predilection for orgies?

No!

But I'm learning new things about your preferences of late.

Oh, well, I would PREFER it if you would sleep downstairs,

because if you stay in here,

I am going to stab you with one of your cookery trophies.

Pastry!

You're going to stab me with one of my PASTRY trophies.

Do you know what? Just go and be with Greg, OK?

And...

have lots of eye-watering sex,

and make ridiculously good-looking kids. I give up.

Whoa - what has this got to do with Greg?

Oh, come on!

His abs are insane!

Look, we both know I'm punching above my weight here...

..all right? And it's not just because you're fit.

It's because...

you're funny and cool...

..and stupidly clever.

Which I'm aware is an oxymoron.

This is why you were being so weird at dinner with your parents?

I don't want to be with Greg.

Greg is a massive twat.

When we were together, it was just about sex.

That's not making me feel any better.

No, for him! Everything was about sex, all the time.

It was awful!

He's just helping me with my advert.

What, so you...

You don't mind that I don't have...

those things?

I don't want those things.

I don't want Greg.

I want you.

You complete and utter...

total dickhead.

HE SIGHS

I can't tell you how much of a relief that is.

Mmm!

-So we're OK, then?

-Er...

you took me to a sex dungeon.

It's going to be a long fuckin' while till we're OK.

But, er...

Well, I'm looking forward to you trying to make it up to me.

-Ooh!

-But, but...!

First, you need to go and apologise to your parents.

You basically ruined your mum's birthday.

Then, there is just...

the slightest sliver of a possibility I might, er...

let you apologise to me.

HE CHUCKLES

Awesome.

Just to check, when you say "apologise," you actually mean...?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Hey, look, guys, I feel really...

HELEN AND MARSHALL SCREAM

PAUL SCREAMS

There was no sock!

# Got my mojo working but it

# Just won't work on you

# Got my mojo working but it

# Just won't work on you

# I wanna love you so bad

# I don't know what to do. #