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This programme contains some strong language

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Three young black men...

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..with a single vision

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and hope in their hearts

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who came to change minds against all the odds.

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What are you doing, boy?

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You need to stop this dreaming!

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Get a job! You're going to leave your family for some water?!

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We need to do this.

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We need to swim.

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Not just for us, for the hood.

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For everyone.

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-Blood is thicker than water!

-I know, Ma.

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I know.

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You're not just a team.

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You could be the most important relay team

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in the history of swimming.

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What if we don't do it?

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Bruv, we're walking out there with gold.

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-How will we know if we're good enough?

-You'll know.

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When the third man wins the race.

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HE CHUCKLES

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You'll know.

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PISTOL FIRES

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello, Awkward Moment helpline. How can I help you?

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OK, calm down, calm down.

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Yeah, I can help you, but the first thing you need to do

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is be completely honest with me.

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Was it really a high-pressure tap in the toilets

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or have you actually wet yourself?

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And how long did you have your earphones in

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before you realised they weren't plugged into your phone?

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It's the first rule of Awkward Moment Helpline -

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always delete your browser history after use.

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You accidentally liked someone's picture you were Facebook stalking?

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That's a code red.

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We'll get one of our operatives out to you straight away.

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Move away from the Facebook page.

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ALARM WAILS

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Are you from the Awkward Moment Helpline?

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Are you the Facebook photo liker?

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Stand aside, Facebook photo liker.

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Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

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Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!...

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Listen to me, Facebook photo liker,

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we're going to ask you some questions

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and you're going to answer some questions

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and it's all going to be OK. OK?

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Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!...

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OK?

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-OK.

-Name of the person in the photo?

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-Candice Shelley.

-And what was Candice Shelley doing in said photo?

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Wearing a bikini.

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On a beach.

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In Ibiza.

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Guv, I just saw the pic.

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-It's bad.

-Is she fit?

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Well fit.

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-Whoa!

-For our records.

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When was the photo posted?

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The 3rd of November...

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-..2012.

-2012! Good God, man.

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-What's wrong with you?

-I know, I'm sorry.

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I got carried away.

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I was scrolling through her photos

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and before I knew it I was five years deep in her uploads album.

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And then my finger slipped and I clicked "Like".

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Oh, God! What am I going to do?

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It's fine, we have a very simple procedure.

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Of course. Unlike her photo.

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No, that's the single most worst thing you can do!

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If Candice Shelley has seen your like...

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Then an immediate unlike would be a total admission of guilt.

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-What you need to do is...

-BOTH: A fake frape.

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-A what?

-A fake frape.

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You need to look like your account

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has been hacked by your most annoying, drunkest friends.

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And you need to do it now.

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BOTH: Sit down!

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Listen to me, and listen very carefully.

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The first thing you're going to do is write a status.

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Say anything, anything untrue, to make it look like it isn't you.

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I've got a big dick.

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Perfect. Then you're going to like Little Mix's fan page

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and then you're going to get a picture

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of the hairiest man's naked bum-bum you can find

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and post it on your timeline.

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-Ah...

-Candice Shelley, bikini...

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BOTH: 2012.

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Fair point.

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Meet Dee. Dee needs your help.

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Like an increasing number of young people living in the UK today,

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Dee suffers from a terrible, life-inhibiting condition.

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Dee has Selfie Arm.

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Ten years of obsessive selfie-taking at every opportunity,

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from constantly pretending he was out with some fit girls,

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to whenever he saw a rude street sign,

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even when he was taking a dump,

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has left Dee this debilitating condition.

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And now Dee, and people like Dee,

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have a daily struggle to live with Selfie Arm.

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People like Joivan.

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People like Percelle.

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And they need your help.

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Normal, everyday activities that you and I take for granted,

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like trying to get a girl back to your flat

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after taking her for a cheap meal,

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becomes almost impossible when you suffer with Selfie Arm.

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The condition has got so bad

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that sufferers often get mistaken for random objects,

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like coat stands...

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..or perverts.

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But all is not lost.

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With a small operation, the condition can be cured.

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We can help them regain the use of their arm.

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By permanently disfiguring the selfie arm sufferer,

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they quickly lose the desire to ever take a photo

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of their weird face ever again.

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Help us change this appalling reality.

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Please, pick up the telephone and call now.

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HE CRIES

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ELEPHANTS TRUMPET

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This is so sad! I must donate.

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Damn! No juice.

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Wakessa, can I borrow your phone?

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NO...!

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I don't know how it happened.

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I wasn't bitten by some radioactive spider,

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I wasn't built in no secret CIA lab.

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And I definitely weren't sent to Earth in no weird spiky pod

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by Superman's dad. I don't even know where my dad is.

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But what I do know is that I've got special powers.

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I'm talking super-strength, mind control stuff.

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There ain't nothing that that man can't do.

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You guys haven't seen my phone, have you?

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Ade Oyinlola lives in a council flat on the North Peckham estate.

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But, unlike everyone else on the estate,

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Ade believes he is different,

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because Ade Oyinlola believes he has special powers

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and is a real-life modern-day superhero.

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I just woke up one day and I knew I was a superhero.

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All I needed was a name.

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It's simple, isn't it? I'm black and I'm a man.

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So I went with Blackman.

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When Ade isn't keeping the estate safe,

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he likes to hang out with his friends Percy and Dee.

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THEY LAUGH

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You see Shanice?

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-She's got that big...

-She's got that two for one.

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-Yeah, yeah...

-I'm trying to feel Courtney right now.

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-No, I don't know about Courtney... She's a bit...

-Her breath stinks.

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-Yeah, true story this.

-I'm trying to link her and her friends.

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-What are you lot saying?

-For real?

-Yeah, man.

-All right, I'm down.

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What are you saying, Ade?

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-Ade!

-Shut up!

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One second, yeah?

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All right, the hood's in danger.

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You go link your girls and do your childish shit,

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the streets need me.

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You're still here, bruv.

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-It's getting worse.

-I know, bruv.

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Look at this clown, bruv. No, no, no, bruv - look, look, look.

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What is he even looking at?

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Bruv, I don't even know any more.

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He's been like this since the start of secondary school.

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There was this time in PE when Michael Jenn licked him

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-in the back of his head with his tennis ball.

-Yeah, yeah.

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-He's never been the same since.

-Yeah, trust me.

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Oi, don't you think his superhero suit

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looks a bit like a black condom?

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He might as well change his name to, like, Virginman.

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THEY LAUGH

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Don't, bruv! The only thing strong in that suit, yeah,

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-is the smell coming from his armpits.

-And his balls.

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BOTH: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's Ade's balls!

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Listen to this. Listen.

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HE BEATBOXES

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A black man and his balls.

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Sweaty balls.

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Oh, my days!

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Speed up, speed up, speed up!

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HE BEATBOXES FASTER

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-And his balls...

-Sweaty balls...

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-Oh, my days!

-Oh, no!

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I'm mocking him, now, I'm mocking him.

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-You all right?

-So I said to her, just calm down, yeah?

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She started easy, you know, when she starts dancing.

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Like doing all this stuff. Like...

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Hey, my bad. She couldn't really get like...

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What's that smell?

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There's nothing to see here.

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..and then she's carrying on, innit? I'm getting to this point...

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I said, "What's that smell?"

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I'm just chilling with my friends. I don't want no trouble.

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Decker, you wasteman.

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Hey, man's not a wasteman.

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I'm Blackman.

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One second.

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Give me a second.

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Let's do this.

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You lot saw it, yeah?

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Mind went into a black hole.

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Disappeared. And when I came out, boom.

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They was gone. Power of the mind.

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You see, this hood needs a hero and now it's got one.

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Gotham City's got Batman, Metropolis has got Superman,

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and now Peckham's got Blackman.

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Well, it's got loads of them, but now it's got a super Blackman.

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Oh, there's my phone!

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello, Awkward Moment Helpline. How can I help you?

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So you just wrote a text slagging off your ex

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and sent it to you ex? That is awkward!

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You and your mum were mistaken for a couple?

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Oh, that's a bad one, bruv.

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-Hang on, let me grab a pencil.

-One second, I'll just grab your details.

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I'm going to have to call you back.

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Awkward Moment Helpline. How can I help?

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Dee, we've got ourselves a situation here.

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Don't panic. Do not panic.

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I'm going to hang up, walk round and separate your hands, OK?

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OK. Bye.

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Bye. Love you.

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SCREAMING

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# Everybody's searching for that WiFi

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# Uber's down the road but there's no signals

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# Can't explain what WiFi means to me

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# So I get on my knees

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# WiFi, you've forsaken me

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# Wanted to chill but there's no Netflix

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# No House Of Cards, no Apple Music

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# I look for hotspots left and right

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# Amazon, but it's not Prime

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# No WiFi in my life!

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# Oooh

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# I'm trying to wank but there's no WiFi

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# Got baby but I can't use it

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# She sent a nude but I can't see

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# Cos I don't have 4G

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# My signal's fucking weak

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# Oh-ooh

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# Everybody's searching for that WiFi

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# You're trying to tweet to all your mates

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# Snapchat won't post and did not send

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# Facebooking without your friends

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# Ah-ah, ah...

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# But there's no WiFi in the end. #

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