JPD Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language

Three young black men...

..with a single vision

and hope in their hearts

who came to change minds against all the odds.

What are you doing, boy?

You need to stop this dreaming!

Get a job! You're going to leave your family for some water?!

We need to do this.

We need to swim.

Not just for us, for the hood.

For everyone.

-Blood is thicker than water!

-I know, Ma.

I know.

You're not just a team.

You could be the most important relay team

in the history of swimming.

What if we don't do it?

Bruv, we're walking out there with gold.

-How will we know if we're good enough?

-You'll know.

When the third man wins the race.

HE CHUCKLES

You'll know.

PISTOL FIRES

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Awkward Moment helpline. How can I help you?

OK, calm down, calm down.

Yeah, I can help you, but the first thing you need to do

is be completely honest with me.

Was it really a high-pressure tap in the toilets

or have you actually wet yourself?

And how long did you have your earphones in

before you realised they weren't plugged into your phone?

It's the first rule of Awkward Moment Helpline -

always delete your browser history after use.

You accidentally liked someone's picture you were Facebook stalking?

That's a code red.

We'll get one of our operatives out to you straight away.

Move away from the Facebook page.

ALARM WAILS

Are you from the Awkward Moment Helpline?

Are you the Facebook photo liker?

Stand aside, Facebook photo liker.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!...

Listen to me, Facebook photo liker,

we're going to ask you some questions

and you're going to answer some questions

and it's all going to be OK. OK?

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!...

OK?

-OK.

-Name of the person in the photo?

-Candice Shelley.

-And what was Candice Shelley doing in said photo?

Wearing a bikini.

On a beach.

In Ibiza.

Guv, I just saw the pic.

-It's bad.

-Is she fit?

Well fit.

-Whoa!

-For our records.

When was the photo posted?

The 3rd of November...

-..2012.

-2012! Good God, man.

-What's wrong with you?

-I know, I'm sorry.

I got carried away.

I was scrolling through her photos

and before I knew it I was five years deep in her uploads album.

And then my finger slipped and I clicked "Like".

Oh, God! What am I going to do?

It's fine, we have a very simple procedure.

Of course. Unlike her photo.

No, that's the single most worst thing you can do!

If Candice Shelley has seen your like...

Then an immediate unlike would be a total admission of guilt.

-What you need to do is...

-BOTH: A fake frape.

-A what?

-A fake frape.

You need to look like your account

has been hacked by your most annoying, drunkest friends.

And you need to do it now.

BOTH: Sit down!

Listen to me, and listen very carefully.

The first thing you're going to do is write a status.

Say anything, anything untrue, to make it look like it isn't you.

I've got a big dick.

Perfect. Then you're going to like Little Mix's fan page

and then you're going to get a picture

of the hairiest man's naked bum-bum you can find

and post it on your timeline.

-Ah...

-Candice Shelley, bikini...

BOTH: 2012.

Fair point.

Meet Dee. Dee needs your help.

Like an increasing number of young people living in the UK today,

Dee suffers from a terrible, life-inhibiting condition.

Dee has Selfie Arm.

Ten years of obsessive selfie-taking at every opportunity,

from constantly pretending he was out with some fit girls,

to whenever he saw a rude street sign,

even when he was taking a dump,

has left Dee this debilitating condition.

And now Dee, and people like Dee,

have a daily struggle to live with Selfie Arm.

People like Joivan.

People like Percelle.

And they need your help.

Normal, everyday activities that you and I take for granted,

like trying to get a girl back to your flat

after taking her for a cheap meal,

becomes almost impossible when you suffer with Selfie Arm.

The condition has got so bad

that sufferers often get mistaken for random objects,

like coat stands...

..or perverts.

But all is not lost.

With a small operation, the condition can be cured.

We can help them regain the use of their arm.

By permanently disfiguring the selfie arm sufferer,

they quickly lose the desire to ever take a photo

of their weird face ever again.

Help us change this appalling reality.

Please, pick up the telephone and call now.

HE CRIES

ELEPHANTS TRUMPET

This is so sad! I must donate.

Damn! No juice.

Wakessa, can I borrow your phone?

NO...!

I don't know how it happened.

I wasn't bitten by some radioactive spider,

I wasn't built in no secret CIA lab.

And I definitely weren't sent to Earth in no weird spiky pod

by Superman's dad. I don't even know where my dad is.

But what I do know is that I've got special powers.

I'm talking super-strength, mind control stuff.

There ain't nothing that that man can't do.

You guys haven't seen my phone, have you?

Ade Oyinlola lives in a council flat on the North Peckham estate.

But, unlike everyone else on the estate,

Ade believes he is different,

because Ade Oyinlola believes he has special powers

and is a real-life modern-day superhero.

I just woke up one day and I knew I was a superhero.

All I needed was a name.

It's simple, isn't it? I'm black and I'm a man.

So I went with Blackman.

When Ade isn't keeping the estate safe,

he likes to hang out with his friends Percy and Dee.

THEY LAUGH

You see Shanice?

-She's got that big...

-She's got that two for one.

-Yeah, yeah...

-I'm trying to feel Courtney right now.

-No, I don't know about Courtney... She's a bit...

-Her breath stinks.

-Yeah, true story this.

-I'm trying to link her and her friends.

-What are you lot saying?

-For real?

-Yeah, man.

-All right, I'm down.

What are you saying, Ade?

-Ade!

-Shut up!

One second, yeah?

All right, the hood's in danger.

You go link your girls and do your childish shit,

the streets need me.

You're still here, bruv.

-It's getting worse.

-I know, bruv.

Look at this clown, bruv. No, no, no, bruv - look, look, look.

What is he even looking at?

Bruv, I don't even know any more.

He's been like this since the start of secondary school.

There was this time in PE when Michael Jenn licked him

-in the back of his head with his tennis ball.

-Yeah, yeah.

-He's never been the same since.

-Yeah, trust me.

Oi, don't you think his superhero suit

looks a bit like a black condom?

He might as well change his name to, like, Virginman.

THEY LAUGH

Don't, bruv! The only thing strong in that suit, yeah,

-is the smell coming from his armpits.

-And his balls.

BOTH: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's Ade's balls!

Listen to this. Listen.

HE BEATBOXES

A black man and his balls.

Sweaty balls.

Oh, my days!

Speed up, speed up, speed up!

HE BEATBOXES FASTER

-And his balls...

-Sweaty balls...

-Oh, my days!

-Oh, no!

I'm mocking him, now, I'm mocking him.

-You all right?

-So I said to her, just calm down, yeah?

She started easy, you know, when she starts dancing.

Like doing all this stuff. Like...

Hey, my bad. She couldn't really get like...

What's that smell?

There's nothing to see here.

..and then she's carrying on, innit? I'm getting to this point...

I said, "What's that smell?"

I'm just chilling with my friends. I don't want no trouble.

Decker, you wasteman.

Hey, man's not a wasteman.

I'm Blackman.

One second.

Give me a second.

Let's do this.

You lot saw it, yeah?

Mind went into a black hole.

Disappeared. And when I came out, boom.

They was gone. Power of the mind.

You see, this hood needs a hero and now it's got one.

Gotham City's got Batman, Metropolis has got Superman,

and now Peckham's got Blackman.

Well, it's got loads of them, but now it's got a super Blackman.

Oh, there's my phone!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Awkward Moment Helpline. How can I help you?

So you just wrote a text slagging off your ex

and sent it to you ex? That is awkward!

You and your mum were mistaken for a couple?

Oh, that's a bad one, bruv.

-Hang on, let me grab a pencil.

-One second, I'll just grab your details.

I'm going to have to call you back.

Awkward Moment Helpline. How can I help?

Dee, we've got ourselves a situation here.

Don't panic. Do not panic.

I'm going to hang up, walk round and separate your hands, OK?

OK. Bye.

Bye. Love you.

SCREAMING

# Everybody's searching for that WiFi

# Uber's down the road but there's no signals

# Can't explain what WiFi means to me

# So I get on my knees

# WiFi, you've forsaken me

# Wanted to chill but there's no Netflix

# No House Of Cards, no Apple Music

# I look for hotspots left and right

# Amazon, but it's not Prime

# No WiFi in my life!

# Oooh

# I'm trying to wank but there's no WiFi

# Got baby but I can't use it

# She sent a nude but I can't see

# Cos I don't have 4G

# My signal's fucking weak

# Oh-ooh

# Everybody's searching for that WiFi

# You're trying to tweet to all your mates

# Snapchat won't post and did not send

# Facebooking without your friends

# Ah-ah, ah...

# But there's no WiFi in the end. #