The Homecoming Cuckoo

THUNDER RUMBLES

MUSIC: "We Found Love" by Rihanna

This programme contains some strong language.

Kes, we need to get indoors.

OK. I'm coming.

Is your friend OK?

A few too many fish bowls.

I understand.

Is that...a Phi Ta Khon mask?

It's the sky spirit Thaen.

Four million years ago, on a night like tonight,

he mated with the wolf goddess Mazu,

and the fruits of their love were the ocean, the sand and the stars.

Sounds like a good session.

It was THE session.

Rachel.

Hello, Rachel.

They call me Cuckoo.

Rach, I'm good.

I'm going in.

Shouldn't we get out of the rain?

Huh.

Is it raining?

I hadn't noticed.

# Outside there's children laughing

# The radio plays my favourite song

# The sun is shining

# Oh, and peace is the sweetest sound I've ever heard

# And baby's coming back to me

# Yeah, baby's coming back to me... #

# Salt-N-Pepa's here... #

Yes, I know now.

# Rachel's coming home... #

But I...

# Only the sexy people, baby... #

I'm just saying as your solicitor I should look at it first, OK?

Thank you. Bye-bye. Lorna!

# Rachel's coming home... #

I was on the phone.

# Salt-N-Pepa's here and we're in effect

# Want you to push it, babe

-# Coolin' by day and by night

-# Workin' up a sweat

# Come on, girls, let's go show the guys that we know

# How to become number one in a hot party show

# Now push it! Ah, push it!

# Push it good! Ah, push it!

# P-Push it real good! #

I hope she hasn't taken any drugs.

That's a bit rich. You used to shovel them back.

Shovel?

Oh, actually that's fair.

That's her. Rachel! Rachel!

Yoo-hoo!

It is her. Rachel!

Oh, my God! Rachel-roo, you look amazing.

-Guys, did you miss me?

-Yes. Do I get another shot?

Oh, dad joke!

Well, here he is.

Sorry?

It's an honour, Ken, just a great, great honour.

Hi.

Dad, this is Cuckoo.

Did you not get my Facebook message?

Don't check Facebook, Rach. I'm 45.

-Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Sorry, what was your name again?

-Cuckoo.

-Ooh.

-And how do you and Rachel know each other?

She's my spouse.

I'm sorry?

Dad...

I got married!

HE SIGHS

Yep.

Thank you.

She's beautiful.

It was a genuine Thai ceremony on the beach,

with this transcendental sunset.

All the locals came and danced. They got their thing on!

There was this big fat forest monk

with, like, no teeth and a hunchback. He gave me away.

Oh, great(!)

Everyone there found my name impossible to pronounce

so he was like, "Wachel, Wachel."

"Wachel, Wachel."

THEY LAUGH

It was the perfect day.

I just wish you guys could have made it.

So, Cuckoo, what line of work are you in?

Er, well, it's sort of hard to explain, Lorna.

I suppose you could say part teacher, part visionary,

part firebrand, part friend.

Right. And do you get paid for that?

Oh, I wouldn't accept payment, Ken. That would be...

That would be weird.

You know Cuckoo's been travelling for, like, 12 years.

He's been absolutely everywhere.

You must have seen a lot.

You know, I have.

But, Ken, Lorna,

would you like to know the longest journey I've ever taken?

Well, go on, then. Tell us.

The journey into my mind.

Yes, it was lonely and perilous, and the only map I had was my own heart.

-Aw!

-Yeah.

She's married, Ken. She got married!

We need to stay calm, Lorna.

He seems like an interesting guy. Maybe it'll be fine.

You encouraged her to go on that gap year.

She went away with everything in front of her.

Now she's wrecked her life and I didn't get to see the wedding.

-Hey, guys.

-Hi, Rachel.

-Hi, Rach.

So, you like him?

Like him? We love him.

I mean, we don't even know him yet but I'm sure, in time...

So we're wondering, um, what are your plans?

Where are you thinking of living, et cetera?

-Dylan! You sister's home from Thailand.

-Oh, you all right, Rach?

-See the Amazon?

-No, Dylan, I didn't see the Amazon.

-Missed a trick there, then, didn't you?

-I did get married.

So?

What, am I supposed to congratulate you?

Anyone could get married. I could get married. Congratulate me.

But you didn't get married.

But I could, so fuck off.

So, plans?

Cuckoo and I were thinking we could stay here with you.

I could switch university, somewhere local.

Obviously I'm going to have to reapply and then,

in three years, when I'm qualified,

we're going to do something like set up a leper colony

in some violent, war-torn failed state

where no westerners go because it's, like, too dangerous.

Well, I'm glad you've thought it through.

Yay! So that's sorted, then.

Yeah. I think it's going to be all right, Lorna.

It's a bit of a shock, a bit sudden, but I think we'll get used to it.

In fact, I'm starting to feel more relaxed about it already, really.

I mean, it's fine. It's no biggie.

-That hurts, Ken.

-Hm?

-I said that hurts.

-What?

Mmm!

You know, the fishermen of Phuket have a saying.

"Once a woman enters her 40s, her food is her lovemaking."

Very tasty, Lorna.

Oh, thank you, Cuckoo!

You're welcome.

What is this?

It's lamb noisettes.

No, what is this?

It's a jacket potato!

Jack-et potato?

Yeah.

Well, Lorna, I have to say...

It's fucking delicious!

Oh, thanks!

Jack-et potato.

So, um, what's with the stupid name?

Dylan!

Dylan's asking if Cuckoo's your real name.

You want to know my birth name?

Well, my birth name is Dale Ashbrick.

Dale Ashbrick?

-Actually, kind of a funny story. A few years back...

-Oh, not this bit.

..I was boating on the Moctezuma River with some of these Huichol...

Cuckoo! Not this bit.

No, it's fine, your mum and dad are people of the world.

So I'd just taken a triple dose of the hallucinogen peyote...

-Are you with me, Ken?

-Yes.

-Great.

I'm out on the river and I'm buzzing like a handsaw...

HE IMITATES HANDSAW

Like, engine, brain, together, molecules.

And suddenly, I realised...

I am not a person.

I am all people.

I'm not sure I understand that, Cuckoo.

I am all people, you know? So I am me, Dale Ashbrick,

but I'm also you, Lorna,

and you, Dylan,

and you, Rachel, my wife,

and I am you, Ken.

Well, obviously not literally.

Hey, I'm not sitting here bullshitting you, Ken!

I am you

and I am in you.

I'm deep...

..inside you.

Right there.

Anyways, once I realised I was all people,

I decided it didn't matter what my name was.

Right. Well, if it didn't matter what your name was, why did you bother changing it?

Well, I guess I was just high!

Jack-et potato!

-Ah, lovely.

-Here we are.

A little vino.

A little wine.

-There you go, Cuckoo.

-Thanks.

So, Rachel, Cuckoo, I suppose I should say a few words.

Ooh, actually, Dad, Cuckoo is going to make a toast.

Yeah, do you mind, Dad?

-No, please.

-Great.

Could you just...? Everyone have a seat.

I gave this speech on our wedding day.

Now I'd like to give it again with clothes on,

and you, our family, present.

'Rachel' by Cuckoo.

What can I say about Rachel,

your only daughter?

Rachel is unique,

she's loving,

she's enthusiastic,

she's adventurous,

always seeking new things,

new ways of doing things.

This girl's the kind of girl who says yes to EVERYTHING.

She's open, welcoming,

warm inside.

She can be fiery. Oh, God!

I mean, sometimes, you cannot hold her down.

She's frisky,

never standoffish,

and finally,

and most importantly,

grateful.

Well, wow!

Relieved mum right here.

What?! You like him?

He may be a little unconventional,

but he's winning and inspiring and profound.

We should never have doubted Rachel.

Oh, that speech! It made me feel 16 again.

He reminds me of...

Oh, who's that author I like, Ken?

Jane Austen.

Yes. And you remember that book, the one I really liked?

Pride And Prejudice.

Yes. Well, there was this one particular character.

-I confess I had a little bit of a...

-Mr Darcy.

Yes! Yes, Ken.

Cuckoo reminds me of Mr Darcy.

See, I didn't really see it that way. I found him a little...vapid.

Vapid?

Were we at the same dinner?

Come on, grumpy.

You never like anyone at first.

Maybe I am judging him too quickly.

-I'll take him out tomorrow morning, we'll have some fun.

-Good idea.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

HEADBOARDS BANG IN DISTANCE

-Lorna?

-Yes.

Can you hear that?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

Ohhh!

Oh, God, England!

Here I come!

Oh, yes!

Am I allowed to go and stop them? Is that allowed?

Come on, Ken, she's married.

YEAH!

Remember when you and I were like this?

I mean, not exactly like this.

Never lasted anything like this long.

Goodnight.

I'll move them to Dylan's room tomorrow.

I'll buy him something, soften the blow.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ARRRGHHH!

Rachel, you feel so good! Oh, God!

-Ken?

-Yes, love?

-Do you think he's got a big one?

-Please go to sleep.

ARRRGHHH!

-We'll be back about four.

-All right.

-Have a good time.

-We will.

Mwah.

(Good luck.)

HE SIGHS

Cuckoo.

I thought we could take the car out for a drive, see the sights,

get to know each other. I've brought you a cup of tea.

Cuckoo. Wakey-wakey.

Cuckoo.

-Cuckoo.

-GET OUT!

HE YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Get out!

GET OUT!

Oh!

(What did you do?)

Ken, I am so embarrassed about what happened.

I'm always like that when I'm woken, you know,

cranky.

Cuckoo, it's water under the bridge.

I'm just not an early morning type of person, you know?

I think it's because I have so many profound thoughts that my brain needs time to regenerate.

My late father used to bring me up here, you know, in the '80s.

He was old school left, you know, proper Black Country.

Me, I was one of those new romantics.

Surprised you, huh?

Yeah, I had it all, the long hair, painted fingernails.

Can I stop you there, Ken?

You're not holding my attention.

Oh.

I just meant it's very beautiful up here, isn't it? I mean...

I've done a lot of thinking up here.

Yeah, I guess it's just a question of perspective, though, right?

Because when you've spent two months yak-tracking through the Himalayas,

places like this just look a bit...shit.

You know?

Anyway, just one guy's opinion.

It is just beautiful. I keep pinching myself.

-Thanks, Mum.

-You've thanked me already, Dilly.

I know, but I'm just always so locked up in my head

with all these thoughts of existence and shit,

and you still look after me and give me cool stuff.

I really love you, Mum.

You silly, Dilly, woo-woo.

-I need you and Rachel to swap rooms.

-You're fucking shitting me?

It's only a room, Dylan.

It's my room. I've worked on it. It's got ambience.

Is ambience a new word for smells of wank?

I don't wank. I don't.

Mum, I have never wanked.

Of course you haven't, Dilly.

Do it for me. Do it for your Mum-Mum.

Rachel mentions you're writing a book.

Mm, about my political philosophies, yeah.

It's going to be the most important book of the 21st century.

-Is it?

-Yeah, I just need a little bit more time.

I figure I'll stay with you guys for a couple of years,

make sure I get enough sleep, keep my brain strong.

I'll get there.

Right.

But obviously you can't expect to stay with us indefinitely, so...

No. Kenderson, may I call you Kenderson?

No.

Ken, I'm a great believer in society.

-So am I.

-Oh, great. Awesome.

So, in the most basic human societies, you would have hunters,

you know, people like you, guys that were good at the simple stuff.

You know, there - food, there - money, go get. Urgh! You know?

But then, at the same time, you would have the thinkers, you know?

They weren't good at hunting, just like I'm not good at jobs,

but they would eat the food provided by the hunters

and in exchange they would think up a lot of really cool stuff

for the future and shit.

And that's me, Ken.

Thinker.

Hunter.

Hunter.

Thinker.

Yeah?

Right.

I'm going to have to pick you up on a few things.

Like what?

Hello-oh!

Did you have a good time? Oh, you love him, don't you?

It went bad.

What's wrong, Ken?

Nothing's wrong. I'm fine.

I just want to spend some time on my bed relaxing.

No, I can tell something's wrong.

He refuses to work, Lorna.

Who? Cuckoo?

-Of course, Cuckoo. Who else would I mean?

-Mr Dunn from the office.

Mr Dunn? What?

You're always complaining about him.

Dunn Nothing - that's what you call him.

KNOCK ON DOOR

It's Rachel, I'm coming in.

I think your father would like a bit of privacy.

Did you tell Cuckoo he had to get a job?

-No.

-No!

-Well, yes.

-Yes, he did.

-You weren't even there, Lorna.

-I wasn't there. Don't blame me.

Dad, you have got no right to interfere in my life like that.

-Interfere?

-Yes, interfere.

You have brought a man I have never met before into my house.

He's never going to leave.

He expects me to pay his way.

By comparison with that, what I did is not interfering.

It is like a gentle grope.

Or, if what I have done is interfering,

then what you have done is like...

..a rape.

You have raped your mother and me.

Rachel, ignore your father. You haven't raped me.

OK, then, you don't have to worry about Cuckoo paying our way

-because I'm going to get a job.

-You can't. You're going to university.

Well, obviously not. You need somebody to pay the rent.

Cuckoo needs to concentrate on his book, so it has to be me.

Oh, don't be stupid! You don't have to pay the rent.

Oh, even better! I can put some money aside,

and Cuckoo and I can get a place of our own, away from you.

I don't know, Rach. I mean, maybe your dad's right.

In a lot of ways, all I've ever really done is travel and party.

I mean, maybe it's arrogant to think I can just write a book

and solve all the world's problems.

Baby, I don't want you ever thinking like that.

You're a genius.

HE SIGHS

I know.

I know.

I tried my new room. I don't like it.

Give it a bit longer than two hours, eh, Dylan?

Ken, why are you sitting in the dark?

This Cuckoo guy is ruining everything.

Why can't we just pay him off, send him back to Thailand?

Dylan, he's Rachel's husband and we all love him.

Why does he want to be here anyway,

living with you two and married to Rachel who,

I don't want to be rude, is a massive dog?

Just give him some money and he'll be out of here. I would be.

I'm going to pretend you never said that. Cuckoo's family now.

This is the man who will father our grandchildren,

be there for us in our old age,

carry your father's coffin.

-Tell him, Ken. Ken!

-What?

Yes, Dylan, it's an absurd idea.

Anyone home?

Hello?

-Cuckoo.

-Hey, Ken! Come here, come here.

Sit, sit.

-It's whale music.

-Oh.

Um...

Wait, wait. Wait.

Ah!

I love that part.

HE CHUCKLES

What's up?

OK. So I was thinking about our conversation yesterday.

Yes. We argued,

and in that white heat of emotion, we discovered a bond.

Did we know each other in a previous life Ken?

-I don't think so.

-I wonder.

Maybe we were brothers.

You were small, weak, frightened by everything,

but I was strong. I saved your life.

Many times.

So about yesterday -

I came away thinking that your world and my world are different places.

So different, yeah.

But in my world,

very different from yours, Rachel had really good prospects.

She was going to Bristol University, which she worked really hard for.

Ken, I love Rachel very much.

And then I thought about you.

You must miss Thailand.

-Sometimes.

-Yeah!

Cooped up in this house, far away from your home,

and then I thought maybe if you had some money things would be different.

You'd be able to go your own way and Rachel - maybe she'd be happier, too.

Do we, um, understand each other?

I think we do.

So...

Oh, Ken, I-I don't think I can take this.

She needs a guy who can support her.

You feel bad about this now,

but if you really love her, Cuckoo, you'll make the sacrifice.

Just take the money, walk out of that door, it's as simple as that.

Goodbye, Cuckoo.

'Rach, there's no easy way for me to say this.'

Cuckoo told me this morning that he was considering...

What?

..leaving you, going back to Thailand without you.

No.

Yeah. He, he told me he could never feel at home here.

He told me to tell you that he loved you,

but that being with him wasn't your path.

He said he wanted you to go to university, set yourself up,

marry someone nice, maybe a doctor or a lawyer,

someone with a steady income.

Maybe a Villa supporter.

Cuckoo said that?

I don't know. It was something like that. I...

I was just so emotional at the time, it was so sad to see him go.

Is that a bonfire in the garden?

Cuckoo left some of his stuff. I couldn't leave it hanging around. Rachel would find it too painful.

-You'll be all right, love.

-I won't.

-You will.

-I won't!

-DYLAN:

-She might not be.

-Dylan!

What? I'm just saying, she's been married now. Kind of used goods.

If we lived in a Muslim state, we'd probably have to stone her.

SHE SOBS

Rachel, however much you love Cuckoo,

your mum and I love you just as much.

You'll get through this because I will do anything, anything,

to make you happy,

in the long run.

Thanks, Dad.

HORN BEEPS

Cuckoo, what's going on? I thought we had a deal.

We did, and here it is!

You likey?

Cuckoo!

You're back!

God! Where have you been?

Rach, your dad was right.

If I'm not willing to support you, I don't deserve you.

What's this?

It's a jack-et potato van.

I mean, who knew?

Apparently you can sell them out of a van. It's perfect!

You're going to sell jacket potatoes?

Yes.

That is, Lorna, if you'd honour me with the recipe?

Yes, of course!

Great. Then it's settled!

Only cost me 10,000 squids.

£10,000?

I know. A steal, right?

Cuckoo, where did you get the money?

-Dad gave it to me.

-Dad?!

You gave Cuckoo £10,000 to set up a business?

Yes. Surprise!

(£10,000, Ken?)

Yes.

Because...I was saying

that he didn't have a job and so...

Well, why did you tell me he'd gone back to Thailand?

-And why did you burn all his stuff?

-You burnt my stuff, Ken?

Why would you do that?

To...make it an even bigger surprise!

You should see your faces!

It's all worked out exactly as I planned.

Oh!

-Oh!

-You funny man.

Yeah! Well, come on, let's get inside.

LAUGHTER

KEN SIGHS

Well, it's me and you, Ken.

Burnt my stuff!?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd