Family Meeting Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language

HE MUTTERS

Don't...! No... Get out!

No! get out of my house...!

You!

Oh...

Oh...

It's wonderful to feel your energy in the room, Ken.

I'm just getting a glass of water.

I'm meditating...

I'm so fucking stoned.

I'll probably leave you to it.

In fact...

..do you mind sitting on this?

You know, we prepare food on this surface.

Oh, sure, yeah.

-If you could just...

-Yeah, you wanna just scooch it under?

-Let me just...

-Yeah.

-A bit higher maybe.

-Yep...

-Oh, you're right in there.

-Oh.

That's nice.

-Thank you, Ken.

-I'll see you in the morning.

Night, Dad.

I always imagined Rachel would marry someone educated,

someone with ambition. I'd respect his opinions,

and most importantly -

and I think this is key here - never ever see his wang or nuts.

Cuckoo has his qualities, Ken.

You know, we were talking about politics the other day,

he's dead against war and famine.

Ken, I felt like that for years.

Come on, love, it's Rachel's party on Saturday

I don't want you ruining it with your mopey face.

What mopey face?

You mean the one where I pout like this?

Oh, Ken. SHE GIGGLES

You forgot your water.

And Jen and Hannah, that's 28.

Mum, you do promise that you haven't blabbed to anyone about Cuckoo?

I promise. It is gonna be a complete and total surprise.

I can't wait to see people's faces.

I go away for my gap year and I come back married.

Are Connie and Steve bringing Zoe to the party?

Ah, dude, have you still not made a move on Zoe Chance?

Mum, you know the only reason he started lifeguarding

was so he could perve on Zoe in her swimming costume.

-Dylan.

-I am a lifeguard, I'm guarding her.

If I don't stare at her she might drown.

Dylan, where's my camera?

Where did you last put it?

In your hands.

I gave it you back.

I don't remember that.

Because you're senile.

Right, listen, everyone,

-I thought tonight we might have a family meeting.

-Oh...

We don't have to do this, the camera's in my room.

It's not about the camera or Dylan.

Is this about Cuckoo?

No...

Well, in a way.

It's just a meeting because, well, you know,

the family has a new member, which I'm delighted about,

and we need to introduce him to how we do things.

That's all. No agenda.

I hope not, Dad, cos Cuckoo and I don't have to live here.

Don't you?

No, we could live on the street and be just as happy.

We only stay here so you and Mum don't worry.

We would worry, Ken.

If Dad starts complaining just be strong,

don't let him exploit your sweet nature, OK?

Yeah.

Well, Ken can be a little old-fashioned, bless him,

but without him I wouldn't have you,

or a new home, or this, my new calling.

My whole life I've been searching for a way to change the world,

Rach, it's potatoes.

I mean, people will come to me for sustenance

and while they wait I'll spread my message of joy, togetherness

and war against the state.

How did I ever get you?

If a fast food van can save the world,

and I think it can, then this is the van to do it.

And it will do it.

So, Cuckoo, family meetings are opportunity to bring up any problems

we may have with each other.

It's basically a glorified way for Dad to boss us around.

That's not fair, Rachel. This is a two-way process.

Anyone can say anything about anyone, yeah?

It's not targeted at any individual in particular, OK?

Sounds great.

Fuck, yeah, family meeting!

So, any tensions? Any problems? Rachel? Dylan?

No-one?

OK, Cuckoo, Lorna and I were a little put out

that you entered our bedroom in your birthday suit last night,

-weren't we, Lorna?

-It was weird, yes. Sorry, Cuckoo.

Basically, overall, we prefer you weren't naked in the house.

OK. What about when I'm in the shower?

Then obviously.

And what about when I'm making love to Rachel?

Also fine.

And what about when I'm making love to Rachel in the shower?

That's adventurous.

-Also... Also fine.

-OK, yeah.

Can you just give me one second to process this, Ken?

OK, fine.

If it'll make you happy,

I would be honoured to put clothing on my body in your home.

OK. Good, OK. That's everything, thank you.

Oh, Ken, I actually have a request of my own.

Oh. OK, go ahead.

I've been here a week now and I've discovered that

the best place for me to meditate is in your study.

-It's so peaceful.

-You're welcome to use it, with your clothes on.

Yes, of course.

The thing is, my meditation requires a positive feng shui,

so I would like it if you, Ken, could remove all of your Nazi memorabilia.

What? You mean my books on World War II?

The hoards of books about the Nazis, yes.

I mean, I don't mean to judge.

I like history. That's why I've got books on the Nazis, OK?

No, yeah, I know, but I mean, how much is there to know really, Ken?

I mean they came to power, they invaded Italy,

-they died of influenza.

-What?

The point is, and you don't have to agree with this,

I think the Nazis were bad people.

Yes, I agree.

And if I'm gonna be meditating in a room full of Nazi energy,

who's to say that I'm not gonna become a Nazi?

Dad, if Cuckoo isn't gonna be naked in the house,

-I really think you should put your books in the garage.

-What?

Seems fair.

-No.

-No? Yeah.

Ken, it's just a couple of books.

They are my books, Lorna, and it is my study. No.

Well, what happened to this two-way process?

Look, family meetings are to make the rules up for you, not for me.

-It's my house.

-Our house, Ken.

It's our house.

OK, well, here's an idea, why don't we vote?

-Brilliant, let's do that, Ken.

-Anything to get this over with.

No. No vote.

I suggest we all do what Dad says.

Fine by me.

-OK, let's do that, Rach.

-No. No. No, Dad.

You're not getting away with this.

You're always going on about how the strong shouldn't impose on the weak,

and here you are in your own house lording it over everyone.

You're like a dictator. In fact you're like Hitler.

-The biggest Nazi of them all.

-Yeah.

You are a bit like Hitler, Dad, you actually look like him.

It's the eyebrows.

All right, stop, stop! All right, we will take a vote.

-Tomorrow night. Happy?

-Yep.

I do not have eyebrows like Hitler.

Well, I don't know why there has to be such a fuss.

Why can't you just move your Nazi books?

It's not about the books, Lorna.

If we start letting them tell us what to do

we lose control in our own household.

Those Nazi books are a symbol

of all that's decent and positive in our lives.

You mean who rules the roost,

who's got the biggest swinging dick, you or Cuckoo?

Well, I've seen them both and...

What were you going to say?

You know what, I've completely forgotten.

Lorna, what were you going to say?

I was going to say that yours is by far the biggest,

and I only hesitated because I didn't want you to get complacent.

OK. That makes sense.

I got your text, what d'you want?

Who said anything about wanting anything?

Come in, it's good to see you.

Let's cut to the chase, the vote.

Rachel will be with Cuckoo, Mum will be with you,

so I'm the deciding vote.

Yes, but you know, Dylan,

you've really grown up in the last couple of years and I know...

Here's the deal - I give you my vote

and you make Zoe come to Rachel's party on Saturday.

Colin and Steve's Zoe?

You and her parents are friends.

She's doing work experience with you. You have influence.

-Why?

-So I can make my move.

I thought you did lifeguarding so you could make your move.

Yeah, it can be hard to start a conversation, she swims very fast.

Yeah, Dylan, I'm not inviting a 16-year-old girl to a party for you.

-Well, then, Dad, I'm not voting for you.

-Dylan!

That's the deal, buddy. Take it or leave it.

You giving me a lift home?

Sure.

Connie mentioned Rachel's back in town.

Hence the party tomorrow.

How's Zeb?

Fine, yeah, enjoying university in Cambridge.

What? What is it, Ken?

Oh, no, it's just from what you said people might get the idea

that Zeb is at Cambridge University.

But I didn't say that did I, Ken?

I said he's at university in Cambridge.

I'm not gonna change my natural form of expression

to suit twits and morons, am I?

Ken, what are you doing here?

Just hanging out with my old mate Steve.

Listen I've got to pop off,

but I'll see all three of you at the party tomorrow, right?

Three of us?

Yes, you, Steve and Zoe. The team.

So lovely to see a family together.

Thanks, but Zoe's got another party.

Well, why don't you drive her to the other party later?

That really wouldn't be very convenient for us, Ken.

Does it matter?

Thing is, I need to speak to Zoe about her work experience.

She's still coming in the holidays?

Yes, I just need to give her the low-down -

the do's, the don'ts, safety policy.

Health and safety will be the death of us.

Spot on, Steve, such a drag,

but it does need to be done at the party tomorrow.

Yes, but Zoe's work experience doesn't start till July.

-Can't it wait?

-Not really.

Intern, couple of years ago,

she came in, ignored a regulation on the first day...

and died.

She died?

We were all very sad,

but it does highlight the importance of banging it in early.

Well, OK, if you have to speak to Zoe, you can do it now.

-What?

-Oh, it's fine, she's just upstairs. Zoe!

Connie, no, no.

Why ever not?

I'm hungry, Connie, my stomach is rumbling.

Well, I'm sure I can whip you up something.

No.

Well, it wouldn't be a problem.

And you can talk to Zoe.

I don't like your food.

OK...

Well, then I suppose we'll bring her.

That's fantastic news, looking forward to it already.

What a great girl.

Right, the big vote.

So who votes I get to keep my books in my study?

I do.

Ah, looks like that's carried. Thanks then, everyone.

Well, congratulations, Ken, you won and I lost.

But democracy won, so, in a way, we both won.

But you lost.

No, we both won.

Yeah, but you lost.

Come on, we both won.

You lost.

OK, we both won, bring it in.

You lost.

-We both won.

-No.

Hiya, Dad.

Hi.

Listen, I know we disagree on pretty much everything

that's important in the world...

-Sure.

-But you're so meaningful, how you let us have that vote.

Letting us decide as a family in a fair way,

just showed you respected me, you know.

No problem.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too.

I just miss the way we were a little bit.

I'm sure I'll get used to it but I just...

I could stay here all day. Mm.

HE COUGHS

Mum, you promise you haven't told any of the guests about Cuckoo?

I haven't, Rach, I have kept every secret you have ever trusted to me.

What about when you had that secret kiss with your French exchange?

Dad, did you know about my kiss with the French exchange?

Oui, Clement, Bastille night 2007.

Well, obviously I had to tell your dad.

I found out from Connie.

Desperation Pour Homme?

Dylan, go back and shower again. You smell like Ricky Martin.

(DOORBELL)

-Connie, hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, Steve.

-Lorna.

Oh, hello, Zoe.

Ah, isn't this lovely? So, Lorna, where's Rach?

She'll be out in a bit. Yes.

She's got a bit of an announcement to make.

Oh, right. Not pregnant?

No! But close.

Oh, got married then?

Oooh!

SHE LAUGHS

What?

So did you do anything this summer?

Yeah, I went camping with my dad.

Oh, yeah? Whereabouts?

Zoe, fancy seeing you here.

Oh, Dylan, your dad made me come.

Really? That guy is so odd.

Dylan, that's a gay name.

What are you, like, ten?

-12.

-Right.

So, yeah, Zoe, I was just thinking that this is a terrible party.

Maybe you'd wanna go somewhere more quiet so we could hang out?

OK.

-Can I come?

-No.

-Well, why can't Charlie come?

Are you hoping to get me on my own or something?

What? No! No, obviously not. Charlie can come.

Come on, mate.

Come on.

Hi, Kelly! Oh, it's lovely to see you.

Hiya, Lorna. What's with the potato van out front?

My lips are sealed, it's all part of Rachel's big secret.

All I can say is it's very exciting and life-changing and romantic.

-She got married?

-To the guy with the potato van?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, shit.

-GLASS TAPS

-OK.

I've told a few of you that I've got really big news.

Congratulations on your marriage, Rachel!

CHEERING

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

OK, yeah, I got married to the most inspirational person

I have ever met.

His name is Cuckoo.

Uh... Well, I guess, hi.

ALL: Hi.

OK, silence!

Close your eyes.

Go on, close 'em.

Close your eyes, close your eyes. Yes, yes.

This'll be fun, trust me.

Cue-Ball, close your eyes, quit wasting my time.

Good.

I wanna talk about the word love. It's hard to define, isn't it?

It's not something we can touch or eat or smell, but it exists.

Scientists would have us believe

that love is just a bunch of chemicals rushing to our brains.

But if it were chemicals,

why wouldn't these so-called scientists just make some love?

They could bottle it, hand it out at parties.

It would actually be really awesome.

But the truth is, we don't need scientists to tell us what love is.

I am love, and Rachel is love.

And the love that is me loves the love that is her,

and together we bring forth our love before all of you,

who are also made of love.

And our loves cross and inter-cross and motocross

and build into this big old love Shreddie and...

Oh, my fucking God, it's beautiful.

Feel the love, be the love, never, ever let go of the love.

Which you can't anyways because you are it.

Thank you.

Also, we're bringing the lamb out in a bit

so if you can please re-use your knives and forks.

I've been watching you swimming this term. You're really fast.

Oh, thanks, and you've been doing good lifeguarding.

Hey, do you want a massage?

Just I've been reading up on it.

By coincidence, and I could really use some practise.

No, I'm OK.

Massage?

Great!

Zoe...?

It's time.

Bit more on my lower back.

That's lovely.

Oh, my God, look at you, look at YOU!

You're so thin and tanned, not like you used to be.

A right porker, weren't you?

Wow, thought I was meant to be the pretty one.

You still are.

SHE LAUGHS I'm not.

You fit bitch.

Can't believe you got married.

Weird coincidence, because actually Toby and I

have been thinking about getting engaged.

I haven't.

Yeah, well we talk about kids' names and stuff all the time.

You do, when you're drunk. I hate it.

Anyway, very much on the cards.

Regulation 13: when lifting heavy boxes always lift from the knee

and never from the lower back.

Regulation 14...

You've got a lot of Nazi books.

Books about Nazis. I'm interested in history.

But this is really a lot.

I'm not a Nazi.

Regulation 14: never enter the maintenance room

without supervision from the caretaker.

There we go, all done.

Is that it?

Yep, ordeal over, swill your mouth out on the way out.

Like at the dentist.

Do you fancy me or something?

-What?

-Because I'm looking for an explanation

on why you made me miss my party for this crappy talk.

Was it really so crappy?

And the obvious one is you wanted to get me alone in your study.

What?

Zoe, that is a scandalous accusation

and one that I really hope you keep to yourself.

So what, you're just being weird?

Well, if wanting to prepare a friend's child

for a potentially life-defining internship is weird,

then yes, I'm weird.

You could say that I'm weird. I'm weird.

-You're weird.

-Yes, weird. Not a perv,

just harmlessly strange.

Mmm. Yeah. Go now.

So yeah, I had it made in Vietnam and it cost basically nothing

and they were the sweetest kids.

Ah, it's such amazing news!

Aw, Rach, I'm so happy... and Cuckoo.

Weird, though, because I always thought you'd marry Zeb, our Zeb.

I don't even know him.

No, me. Really?

Well, could still happen, though.

I mean, this is a bit whirlwind, isn't it?

Could all fall through.

-No, Connie, we're really happy.

-Yeah.

-Well, you never know.

And when...if... when it does happen...

..Zeb.

Oh!

-I like her.

-Ohhh!

No?

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Hiya, Zoe. Bored?

Yeah.

So why don't you get off with Dylan?

Might as well, not like there's anything else to do.

Hmm.

D'you wanna...talk outside?

All right.

Dylan, Zoe, stop there. We're gonna have a photo.

Photo everybody? ENTHUSIASTIC RESPONSE

Come on! Come on!

Right, let's get you four.

Oh, no, Ken, come on, you've gotta be in it.

-And I'll take this, let me take this.

-Oh, thank you, Steve.

Now, how d'you get the old flash on this, on the...? Oh... Oh, no.

I've got all your old photographs up here, Ken.

No naughty snaps of Lorna, I hope.

Yeah, you wish.

ALL LAUGH

Ken, why have you got photographs

of our teenage daughter in her swimming costume on your camera?

-I haven't.

-You do, Ken.

What the hell is this, Ken?

Oh, my God, you are a perv.

Ken?

Now look, Steve.

Shut up!

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

-ALL GASP

-Chicken.

Oh, OK.

All right, everybody, listen. I didn't take them, it wasn't me.

If you tell them, I'll tell Rachel you bought my vote.

Thing is, I lent Dylan my camera.

-Dylan has a little crush on Zoe.

-I fucking don't.

Don't try and fob it off on your son.

OK, all right, all right, everybody just relax.

Now, Steve, look, you have a very beautiful,

very alluring daughter,

and if Ken wants to take a couple of pictures

of her sweet little tush, I mean...

-HOWLS OF OUTRAGE

-Shut up, Cuckoo!

-Shut up!

-I was wrong.

-Give me the camera.

-This is evidence.

-Give me the camera, you stupid little man.

Get off me, get off me.

God's sake!

Honestly. Look at these pictures.

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan's friends. Dylan took these.

He did it when he was lifeguarding.

Right, oh, honest mistake, Ken. Sorry about the chicken drumstick.

Come on.

Wait, Zoe, wait.

I know you're probably thinking about getting me back for that.

The thing is, you've really matured

over the last couple of year's, Son, and I know...

So this is what the garage looks like.

Peace offering.

-I forgive you, Ken.

-For?

For bribing your son to corrupt the process of democracy in our house.

Well, that is big of you.

I guess it is.

Ken, I've always considered myself a teacher,

and of all my students you're the naughty, special one, aren't you?

Lorna is the happy one, Dylan is the dim-witted one,

and Rachel is the one I have sex with.

A lot.

Come on, let's hug it out.

A big bite of juicy Ken steak.

Haaaaaaaa...!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd