Family Meeting Cuckoo


Family Meeting

Comedy series. Ken is keen to lay down some ground rules for Cuckoo in the Thompson house and proposes a family meeting, but getting his own way has knock-on effects.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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HE MUTTERS

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Don't...! No... Get out!

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No! get out of my house...!

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You!

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Oh...

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Oh...

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It's wonderful to feel your energy in the room, Ken.

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I'm just getting a glass of water.

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I'm meditating...

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I'm so fucking stoned.

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I'll probably leave you to it.

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In fact...

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..do you mind sitting on this?

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You know, we prepare food on this surface.

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Oh, sure, yeah.

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-If you could just...

-Yeah, you wanna just scooch it under?

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-Let me just...

-Yeah.

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-A bit higher maybe.

-Yep...

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-Oh, you're right in there.

-Oh.

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That's nice.

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-Thank you, Ken.

-I'll see you in the morning.

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Night, Dad.

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I always imagined Rachel would marry someone educated,

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someone with ambition. I'd respect his opinions,

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and most importantly -

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and I think this is key here - never ever see his wang or nuts.

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Cuckoo has his qualities, Ken.

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You know, we were talking about politics the other day,

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he's dead against war and famine.

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Ken, I felt like that for years.

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Come on, love, it's Rachel's party on Saturday

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I don't want you ruining it with your mopey face.

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What mopey face?

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You mean the one where I pout like this?

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Oh, Ken. SHE GIGGLES

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You forgot your water.

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And Jen and Hannah, that's 28.

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Mum, you do promise that you haven't blabbed to anyone about Cuckoo?

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I promise. It is gonna be a complete and total surprise.

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I can't wait to see people's faces.

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I go away for my gap year and I come back married.

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Are Connie and Steve bringing Zoe to the party?

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Ah, dude, have you still not made a move on Zoe Chance?

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Mum, you know the only reason he started lifeguarding

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was so he could perve on Zoe in her swimming costume.

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-Dylan.

-I am a lifeguard, I'm guarding her.

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If I don't stare at her she might drown.

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Dylan, where's my camera?

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Where did you last put it?

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In your hands.

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I gave it you back.

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I don't remember that.

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Because you're senile.

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Right, listen, everyone,

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-I thought tonight we might have a family meeting.

-Oh...

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We don't have to do this, the camera's in my room.

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It's not about the camera or Dylan.

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Is this about Cuckoo?

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No...

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Well, in a way.

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It's just a meeting because, well, you know,

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the family has a new member, which I'm delighted about,

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and we need to introduce him to how we do things.

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That's all. No agenda.

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I hope not, Dad, cos Cuckoo and I don't have to live here.

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Don't you?

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No, we could live on the street and be just as happy.

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We only stay here so you and Mum don't worry.

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We would worry, Ken.

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If Dad starts complaining just be strong,

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don't let him exploit your sweet nature, OK?

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Yeah.

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Well, Ken can be a little old-fashioned, bless him,

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but without him I wouldn't have you,

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or a new home, or this, my new calling.

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My whole life I've been searching for a way to change the world,

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Rach, it's potatoes.

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I mean, people will come to me for sustenance

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and while they wait I'll spread my message of joy, togetherness

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and war against the state.

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How did I ever get you?

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If a fast food van can save the world,

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and I think it can, then this is the van to do it.

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And it will do it.

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So, Cuckoo, family meetings are opportunity to bring up any problems

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we may have with each other.

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It's basically a glorified way for Dad to boss us around.

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That's not fair, Rachel. This is a two-way process.

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Anyone can say anything about anyone, yeah?

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It's not targeted at any individual in particular, OK?

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Sounds great.

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Fuck, yeah, family meeting!

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So, any tensions? Any problems? Rachel? Dylan?

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No-one?

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OK, Cuckoo, Lorna and I were a little put out

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that you entered our bedroom in your birthday suit last night,

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-weren't we, Lorna?

-It was weird, yes. Sorry, Cuckoo.

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Basically, overall, we prefer you weren't naked in the house.

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OK. What about when I'm in the shower?

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Then obviously.

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And what about when I'm making love to Rachel?

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Also fine.

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And what about when I'm making love to Rachel in the shower?

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That's adventurous.

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-Also... Also fine.

-OK, yeah.

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Can you just give me one second to process this, Ken?

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OK, fine.

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If it'll make you happy,

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I would be honoured to put clothing on my body in your home.

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OK. Good, OK. That's everything, thank you.

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Oh, Ken, I actually have a request of my own.

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Oh. OK, go ahead.

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I've been here a week now and I've discovered that

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the best place for me to meditate is in your study.

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-It's so peaceful.

-You're welcome to use it, with your clothes on.

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Yes, of course.

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The thing is, my meditation requires a positive feng shui,

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so I would like it if you, Ken, could remove all of your Nazi memorabilia.

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What? You mean my books on World War II?

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The hoards of books about the Nazis, yes.

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I mean, I don't mean to judge.

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I like history. That's why I've got books on the Nazis, OK?

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No, yeah, I know, but I mean, how much is there to know really, Ken?

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I mean they came to power, they invaded Italy,

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-they died of influenza.

-What?

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The point is, and you don't have to agree with this,

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I think the Nazis were bad people.

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Yes, I agree.

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And if I'm gonna be meditating in a room full of Nazi energy,

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who's to say that I'm not gonna become a Nazi?

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Dad, if Cuckoo isn't gonna be naked in the house,

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-I really think you should put your books in the garage.

-What?

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Seems fair.

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-No.

-No? Yeah.

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Ken, it's just a couple of books.

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They are my books, Lorna, and it is my study. No.

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Well, what happened to this two-way process?

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Look, family meetings are to make the rules up for you, not for me.

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-It's my house.

-Our house, Ken.

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It's our house.

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OK, well, here's an idea, why don't we vote?

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-Brilliant, let's do that, Ken.

-Anything to get this over with.

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No. No vote.

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I suggest we all do what Dad says.

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Fine by me.

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-OK, let's do that, Rach.

-No. No. No, Dad.

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You're not getting away with this.

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You're always going on about how the strong shouldn't impose on the weak,

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and here you are in your own house lording it over everyone.

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You're like a dictator. In fact you're like Hitler.

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-The biggest Nazi of them all.

-Yeah.

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You are a bit like Hitler, Dad, you actually look like him.

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It's the eyebrows.

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All right, stop, stop! All right, we will take a vote.

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-Tomorrow night. Happy?

-Yep.

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I do not have eyebrows like Hitler.

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Well, I don't know why there has to be such a fuss.

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Why can't you just move your Nazi books?

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It's not about the books, Lorna.

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If we start letting them tell us what to do

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we lose control in our own household.

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Those Nazi books are a symbol

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of all that's decent and positive in our lives.

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You mean who rules the roost,

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who's got the biggest swinging dick, you or Cuckoo?

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Well, I've seen them both and...

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What were you going to say?

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You know what, I've completely forgotten.

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Lorna, what were you going to say?

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I was going to say that yours is by far the biggest,

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and I only hesitated because I didn't want you to get complacent.

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OK. That makes sense.

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I got your text, what d'you want?

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Who said anything about wanting anything?

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Come in, it's good to see you.

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Let's cut to the chase, the vote.

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Rachel will be with Cuckoo, Mum will be with you,

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so I'm the deciding vote.

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Yes, but you know, Dylan,

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you've really grown up in the last couple of years and I know...

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Here's the deal - I give you my vote

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and you make Zoe come to Rachel's party on Saturday.

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Colin and Steve's Zoe?

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You and her parents are friends.

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She's doing work experience with you. You have influence.

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-Why?

-So I can make my move.

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I thought you did lifeguarding so you could make your move.

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Yeah, it can be hard to start a conversation, she swims very fast.

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Yeah, Dylan, I'm not inviting a 16-year-old girl to a party for you.

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-Well, then, Dad, I'm not voting for you.

-Dylan!

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That's the deal, buddy. Take it or leave it.

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You giving me a lift home?

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Sure.

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Connie mentioned Rachel's back in town.

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Hence the party tomorrow.

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How's Zeb?

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Fine, yeah, enjoying university in Cambridge.

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What? What is it, Ken?

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Oh, no, it's just from what you said people might get the idea

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that Zeb is at Cambridge University.

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But I didn't say that did I, Ken?

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I said he's at university in Cambridge.

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I'm not gonna change my natural form of expression

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to suit twits and morons, am I?

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Ken, what are you doing here?

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Just hanging out with my old mate Steve.

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Listen I've got to pop off,

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but I'll see all three of you at the party tomorrow, right?

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Three of us?

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Yes, you, Steve and Zoe. The team.

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So lovely to see a family together.

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Thanks, but Zoe's got another party.

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Well, why don't you drive her to the other party later?

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That really wouldn't be very convenient for us, Ken.

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Does it matter?

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Thing is, I need to speak to Zoe about her work experience.

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She's still coming in the holidays?

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Yes, I just need to give her the low-down -

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the do's, the don'ts, safety policy.

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Health and safety will be the death of us.

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Spot on, Steve, such a drag,

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but it does need to be done at the party tomorrow.

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Yes, but Zoe's work experience doesn't start till July.

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-Can't it wait?

-Not really.

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Intern, couple of years ago,

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she came in, ignored a regulation on the first day...

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and died.

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She died?

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We were all very sad,

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but it does highlight the importance of banging it in early.

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Well, OK, if you have to speak to Zoe, you can do it now.

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-What?

-Oh, it's fine, she's just upstairs. Zoe!

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Connie, no, no.

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Why ever not?

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I'm hungry, Connie, my stomach is rumbling.

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Well, I'm sure I can whip you up something.

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No.

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Well, it wouldn't be a problem.

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And you can talk to Zoe.

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I don't like your food.

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OK...

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Well, then I suppose we'll bring her.

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That's fantastic news, looking forward to it already.

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What a great girl.

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Right, the big vote.

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So who votes I get to keep my books in my study?

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I do.

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Ah, looks like that's carried. Thanks then, everyone.

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Well, congratulations, Ken, you won and I lost.

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But democracy won, so, in a way, we both won.

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But you lost.

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No, we both won.

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Yeah, but you lost.

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Come on, we both won.

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You lost.

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OK, we both won, bring it in.

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You lost.

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-We both won.

-No.

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Hiya, Dad.

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Hi.

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Listen, I know we disagree on pretty much everything

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that's important in the world...

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-Sure.

-But you're so meaningful, how you let us have that vote.

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Letting us decide as a family in a fair way,

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just showed you respected me, you know.

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No problem.

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I love you, Dad.

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I love you too.

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I just miss the way we were a little bit.

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I'm sure I'll get used to it but I just...

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I could stay here all day. Mm.

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HE COUGHS

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Mum, you promise you haven't told any of the guests about Cuckoo?

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I haven't, Rach, I have kept every secret you have ever trusted to me.

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What about when you had that secret kiss with your French exchange?

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Dad, did you know about my kiss with the French exchange?

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Oui, Clement, Bastille night 2007.

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Well, obviously I had to tell your dad.

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I found out from Connie.

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Desperation Pour Homme?

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Dylan, go back and shower again. You smell like Ricky Martin.

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(DOORBELL)

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-Connie, hello.

-Hello.

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-Hello, Steve.

-Lorna.

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Oh, hello, Zoe.

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Ah, isn't this lovely? So, Lorna, where's Rach?

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She'll be out in a bit. Yes.

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She's got a bit of an announcement to make.

0:15:490:15:51

Oh, right. Not pregnant?

0:15:510:15:54

No! But close.

0:15:540:15:56

Oh, got married then?

0:15:560:15:58

Oooh!

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SHE LAUGHS

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What?

0:16:050:16:06

So did you do anything this summer?

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Yeah, I went camping with my dad.

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Oh, yeah? Whereabouts?

0:16:110:16:13

Zoe, fancy seeing you here.

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Oh, Dylan, your dad made me come.

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Really? That guy is so odd.

0:16:170:16:20

Dylan, that's a gay name.

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What are you, like, ten?

0:16:220:16:23

-12.

-Right.

0:16:230:16:24

So, yeah, Zoe, I was just thinking that this is a terrible party.

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Maybe you'd wanna go somewhere more quiet so we could hang out?

0:16:280:16:32

OK.

0:16:320:16:34

-Can I come?

-No.

-Well, why can't Charlie come?

0:16:340:16:36

Are you hoping to get me on my own or something?

0:16:360:16:39

What? No! No, obviously not. Charlie can come.

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Come on, mate.

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Come on.

0:16:450:16:46

Hi, Kelly! Oh, it's lovely to see you.

0:16:460:16:50

Hiya, Lorna. What's with the potato van out front?

0:16:500:16:53

My lips are sealed, it's all part of Rachel's big secret.

0:16:530:16:58

All I can say is it's very exciting and life-changing and romantic.

0:16:580:17:03

-She got married?

-To the guy with the potato van?

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SHE LAUGHS

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Oh, shit.

0:17:100:17:11

-GLASS TAPS

-OK.

0:17:130:17:15

I've told a few of you that I've got really big news.

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Congratulations on your marriage, Rachel!

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CHEERING

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SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

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OK, yeah, I got married to the most inspirational person

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I have ever met.

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His name is Cuckoo.

0:17:340:17:35

Uh... Well, I guess, hi.

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ALL: Hi.

0:17:430:17:44

OK, silence!

0:17:440:17:47

Close your eyes.

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Go on, close 'em.

0:17:510:17:53

Close your eyes, close your eyes. Yes, yes.

0:17:530:17:56

This'll be fun, trust me.

0:17:560:17:58

Cue-Ball, close your eyes, quit wasting my time.

0:17:580:18:00

Good.

0:18:010:18:02

I wanna talk about the word love. It's hard to define, isn't it?

0:18:020:18:08

It's not something we can touch or eat or smell, but it exists.

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Scientists would have us believe

0:18:130:18:15

that love is just a bunch of chemicals rushing to our brains.

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But if it were chemicals,

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why wouldn't these so-called scientists just make some love?

0:18:210:18:25

They could bottle it, hand it out at parties.

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It would actually be really awesome.

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But the truth is, we don't need scientists to tell us what love is.

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I am love, and Rachel is love.

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And the love that is me loves the love that is her,

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and together we bring forth our love before all of you,

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who are also made of love.

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And our loves cross and inter-cross and motocross

0:18:500:18:54

and build into this big old love Shreddie and...

0:18:540:18:56

Oh, my fucking God, it's beautiful.

0:18:560:18:59

Feel the love, be the love, never, ever let go of the love.

0:18:590:19:05

Which you can't anyways because you are it.

0:19:050:19:10

Thank you.

0:19:100:19:11

Also, we're bringing the lamb out in a bit

0:19:150:19:18

so if you can please re-use your knives and forks.

0:19:180:19:21

I've been watching you swimming this term. You're really fast.

0:19:250:19:30

Oh, thanks, and you've been doing good lifeguarding.

0:19:320:19:36

Hey, do you want a massage?

0:19:360:19:37

Just I've been reading up on it.

0:19:380:19:41

By coincidence, and I could really use some practise.

0:19:410:19:44

No, I'm OK.

0:19:440:19:46

Massage?

0:19:460:19:47

Great!

0:19:480:19:49

Zoe...?

0:19:560:19:58

It's time.

0:20:010:20:02

Bit more on my lower back.

0:20:120:20:14

That's lovely.

0:20:160:20:18

Oh, my God, look at you, look at YOU!

0:20:210:20:25

You're so thin and tanned, not like you used to be.

0:20:250:20:31

A right porker, weren't you?

0:20:310:20:33

Wow, thought I was meant to be the pretty one.

0:20:330:20:36

You still are.

0:20:360:20:38

SHE LAUGHS I'm not.

0:20:380:20:40

You fit bitch.

0:20:400:20:42

Can't believe you got married.

0:20:440:20:46

Weird coincidence, because actually Toby and I

0:20:460:20:48

have been thinking about getting engaged.

0:20:480:20:50

I haven't.

0:20:500:20:51

Yeah, well we talk about kids' names and stuff all the time.

0:20:510:20:55

You do, when you're drunk. I hate it.

0:20:550:20:58

Anyway, very much on the cards.

0:20:580:21:01

Regulation 13: when lifting heavy boxes always lift from the knee

0:21:050:21:09

and never from the lower back.

0:21:090:21:11

Regulation 14...

0:21:110:21:12

You've got a lot of Nazi books.

0:21:120:21:14

Books about Nazis. I'm interested in history.

0:21:140:21:17

But this is really a lot.

0:21:170:21:18

I'm not a Nazi.

0:21:180:21:19

Regulation 14: never enter the maintenance room

0:21:220:21:24

without supervision from the caretaker.

0:21:240:21:27

There we go, all done.

0:21:270:21:30

Is that it?

0:21:300:21:32

Yep, ordeal over, swill your mouth out on the way out.

0:21:320:21:35

Like at the dentist.

0:21:350:21:37

Do you fancy me or something?

0:21:370:21:39

-What?

-Because I'm looking for an explanation

0:21:390:21:42

on why you made me miss my party for this crappy talk.

0:21:420:21:45

Was it really so crappy?

0:21:450:21:46

And the obvious one is you wanted to get me alone in your study.

0:21:460:21:49

What?

0:21:490:21:51

Zoe, that is a scandalous accusation

0:21:530:21:56

and one that I really hope you keep to yourself.

0:21:560:21:59

So what, you're just being weird?

0:21:590:22:01

Well, if wanting to prepare a friend's child

0:22:010:22:03

for a potentially life-defining internship is weird,

0:22:030:22:07

then yes, I'm weird.

0:22:070:22:08

You could say that I'm weird. I'm weird.

0:22:080:22:10

-You're weird.

-Yes, weird. Not a perv,

0:22:100:22:13

just harmlessly strange.

0:22:130:22:16

Mmm. Yeah. Go now.

0:22:180:22:21

So yeah, I had it made in Vietnam and it cost basically nothing

0:22:300:22:33

and they were the sweetest kids.

0:22:330:22:36

Ah, it's such amazing news!

0:22:360:22:39

Aw, Rach, I'm so happy... and Cuckoo.

0:22:390:22:44

Weird, though, because I always thought you'd marry Zeb, our Zeb.

0:22:440:22:48

I don't even know him.

0:22:480:22:49

No, me. Really?

0:22:490:22:52

Well, could still happen, though.

0:22:520:22:54

I mean, this is a bit whirlwind, isn't it?

0:22:540:22:56

Could all fall through.

0:22:560:22:58

-No, Connie, we're really happy.

-Yeah.

-Well, you never know.

0:22:580:23:01

And when...if... when it does happen...

0:23:010:23:06

..Zeb.

0:23:080:23:10

Oh!

0:23:100:23:11

-I like her.

-Ohhh!

0:23:140:23:16

No?

0:23:160:23:19

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:190:23:20

Hiya, Zoe. Bored?

0:23:390:23:43

Yeah.

0:23:430:23:45

So why don't you get off with Dylan?

0:23:450:23:47

Might as well, not like there's anything else to do.

0:23:480:23:51

Hmm.

0:23:520:23:54

D'you wanna...talk outside?

0:24:010:24:05

All right.

0:24:060:24:07

Dylan, Zoe, stop there. We're gonna have a photo.

0:24:070:24:11

Photo everybody? ENTHUSIASTIC RESPONSE

0:24:110:24:14

Come on! Come on!

0:24:150:24:17

Right, let's get you four.

0:24:210:24:23

Oh, no, Ken, come on, you've gotta be in it.

0:24:230:24:26

-And I'll take this, let me take this.

-Oh, thank you, Steve.

0:24:260:24:31

Now, how d'you get the old flash on this, on the...? Oh... Oh, no.

0:24:310:24:36

I've got all your old photographs up here, Ken.

0:24:360:24:39

No naughty snaps of Lorna, I hope.

0:24:390:24:41

Yeah, you wish.

0:24:410:24:42

ALL LAUGH

0:24:420:24:44

Ken, why have you got photographs

0:24:440:24:47

of our teenage daughter in her swimming costume on your camera?

0:24:470:24:51

-I haven't.

-You do, Ken.

0:24:520:24:55

What the hell is this, Ken?

0:24:550:24:58

Oh, my God, you are a perv.

0:24:580:24:59

Ken?

0:24:590:25:01

Now look, Steve.

0:25:050:25:06

Shut up!

0:25:060:25:08

I'm gonna...

0:25:080:25:09

I'm gonna...

0:25:090:25:10

-ALL GASP

-Chicken.

0:25:160:25:18

Oh, OK.

0:25:210:25:22

All right, everybody, listen. I didn't take them, it wasn't me.

0:25:230:25:27

If you tell them, I'll tell Rachel you bought my vote.

0:25:270:25:30

Thing is, I lent Dylan my camera.

0:25:300:25:34

-Dylan has a little crush on Zoe.

-I fucking don't.

0:25:340:25:36

Don't try and fob it off on your son.

0:25:360:25:38

OK, all right, all right, everybody just relax.

0:25:380:25:41

Now, Steve, look, you have a very beautiful,

0:25:410:25:44

very alluring daughter,

0:25:440:25:46

and if Ken wants to take a couple of pictures

0:25:460:25:48

of her sweet little tush, I mean...

0:25:480:25:49

-HOWLS OF OUTRAGE

-Shut up, Cuckoo!

0:25:490:25:51

-Shut up!

-I was wrong.

-Give me the camera.

0:25:510:25:53

-This is evidence.

-Give me the camera, you stupid little man.

0:25:530:25:56

Get off me, get off me.

0:25:560:25:57

God's sake!

0:25:570:25:58

Honestly. Look at these pictures.

0:26:000:26:03

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan's friends. Dylan took these.

0:26:030:26:09

He did it when he was lifeguarding.

0:26:090:26:11

Right, oh, honest mistake, Ken. Sorry about the chicken drumstick.

0:26:110:26:16

Come on.

0:26:160:26:18

Wait, Zoe, wait.

0:26:220:26:24

I know you're probably thinking about getting me back for that.

0:26:270:26:30

The thing is, you've really matured

0:26:300:26:33

over the last couple of year's, Son, and I know...

0:26:330:26:36

So this is what the garage looks like.

0:26:390:26:42

Peace offering.

0:26:450:26:47

-I forgive you, Ken.

-For?

0:26:520:26:55

For bribing your son to corrupt the process of democracy in our house.

0:26:550:26:59

Well, that is big of you.

0:27:000:27:02

I guess it is.

0:27:020:27:04

Ken, I've always considered myself a teacher,

0:27:050:27:08

and of all my students you're the naughty, special one, aren't you?

0:27:080:27:15

Lorna is the happy one, Dylan is the dim-witted one,

0:27:150:27:19

and Rachel is the one I have sex with.

0:27:190:27:22

A lot.

0:27:230:27:25

Come on, let's hug it out.

0:27:250:27:28

A big bite of juicy Ken steak.

0:27:310:27:35

Haaaaaaaa...!

0:27:350:27:38

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:420:27:43

Ken is keen to lay down some ground rules for Cuckoo in the Thompson house and proposes a family meeting. But getting his own way turns out to have devastating knock-on effects at Rachel's coming home party.


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