Ken on E Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language.

So, Nina, to sum up, just because I like conservation,

it does not mean I'm a Conservative.

Wow, Ken, that was, er, thorough.

Nina is going to be really, really impressed.

Funny enough on the last question?

God, yeah. Yeah.

-Ask me another one.

-Oh, Ken, I think you're all set.

Come on, Lorna! If I'm going to ace this interview

I need to be across all the issues.

-Oh, God. Er...

-Oh, I get it, you're bored.

Ken, no. No, you make local politics...sing.

And that is why you are going to make

a phenomenal Lib Dem local councillor.

Ken's going to be a politician.

You know, I've always taken an interest.

That's funny, cos every time

I bring it up to you, you kind of just glaze over.

Oh, by the way, I borrowed some of your suit pants.

Oh no.

Yeah, kind of had a laundry crisis. And, Ken,

in the interest of full disclosure, I am full-on commando under these.

I tell you what, Cuckoo, why don't you take over here?

What are you doing?

It'll be good for you to perform to a young and informed audience.

Full marks from me though, bye.

OK.

What's your take on parking policy?

Well, Nina, if you'll pardon my French,

I think it's a ruddy shambles.

Just the other day I saw a statistic, I think it was 45% of cars

stop for five minutes or less in the high street...

OK, Ken, can I just stop you there?

I don't mean to sound too harsh, but that was fucking dog shit.

You didn't connect in any way.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you need to cancel your meeting.

You're not ready.

Right. I think the news is on.

No, no, no! Don't you dare! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

-What is your name?

-Get out of my way, Cuckoo.

What is your name?

My name is Ken.

-Ken what? Ken Banana, is it Ken Banana?

-Ken Thompson.

Ah! Ken Thompson, correct. Do you, Ken Thompson, love Litchfield?

Well, I suppose, I...

It's a simple question! Do you love this town?

-Yes or no? Yes or no?

-Yes!

Aha! You see that. You just got my vote.

Leadership is so simple, Ken.

All you have to do is be open to people, love, never judge

and if you do all that, people may finally respond to you.

Am I being too preachy? I am, right? I'm being too preachy.

Mum. I might be being paranoid, but I sometimes worry that Cuckoo

and dad don't get on.

What? No.

You know, they never spend any quality time together.

Well, the thing about your dad is, Rach, he can be very shy.

Sometimes he just needs a little pushing.

Mum, are you scheming?

Are you coming to the party on Saturday? Did she invite you?

-Um, yeah?

-She didn't.

OK, you can come with me as long as you get pills.

Brilliant! Pills?

Oh, well, I'd do it myself, but my parents are watching me

at the moment, so...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no problem.

It might be a bit hard because, er,

my dealer got hit in a gangland shooting.

Who's your dealer?

His name's Tony Montana. He lives in Stourbridge.

He's Cuban. Very nice. But he's stubborn.

-I've got one. I'll text you his number.

-Yeah, all right.

Sleazing on my girl? Not cool, Thompson.

Look, Neil, Zoe dumped you.

She's my family friend,

and I actually bagsied her when I was four.

So, when you look at it like that, you're actually

out of order for going out with her in the first place.

BOYS: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

Nina! So good to see you.

-Aw.

-Long time no see.

-Yeah!

How have you been since...you know?

-We got back together.

-No!

-Yes!

-That's great.

We just realised that we loved each other

and so now it's just him and me

and our kid and our love kid, and it's a bit like,

"Oh, why did we let everything get so complicated before?"

Wow. That sounds absolutely crazy!

Yeah.

Tell that to Rupert Murdoch.

Oh! I didn't know you were so funny.

Well...yes.

And intelligent and presentable, even rather dashing.

Stop it.

-Although you should do something about the belly.

-All right.

Anyway, it all looks very promising.

I mean, you should see some of the other candidates.

Oh really? Oh dear. Are they...?

So, um, I shouldn't really say this,

but the committee will go with my recommendations,

and so I think you've pretty much got it in the bag.

Nina, thank you.

So I'll follow through...

PHONE RINGS

Oh! Sorry, um, oh, one sec.

No problem.

Get it in.

I'm sorry, Ken, I've got to go - some little thug at school's

attacked my son Neil.

Oh, Nina, that's awful. Kids these days. How old is Neil?

He's 16.

I can so relate, my Dylan's 16

and if someone did something like that to him...

Mr Thompson...

-Not now, Jefali.

-It's just, the school just called.

Your son Dylan's been in a fight.

-He's what?

-A fight!

So, Dylan, we should hear your side of the story.

Yeah, no problem. Basically, Neil was being a massive twat.

Turns out he's not as hard as he makes out and I battered him.

-Shut up, Dylan.

-I did, Dad, I really whooped him!

-Oh, God.

-I handed him his arse on a plate.

Dylan, I am very disappointed in you.

There is no excuse for fighting in school.

Although, we as parents must understand, these things do happen.

Boys fight, it's only natural.

You think violence is natural?

No, Nina, that's why I said it was unnatural.

What is wrong with you, you little freak?

-Neil started it.

-Shut up, Dylan! You are grounded for...

four years.

But I go to uni in two years.

Not any more, you're that grounded.

Ken, that's a bit extreme.

You're right. Dylan, I went too far. You're no longer grounded.

But he should be punished.

Yeah! And he will be. You, Dylan, are...

Oh, I don't know. Grounded for a month?

Grounded for a month, buster.

-Oh.

-Suck on that.

Excellent. Right, um, well, I think we're all done here.

-Ken. Thank you, Nina.

-Thank you, James.

Nina? I'll walk you to the car.

Ken. This whole councillor thing, we would be

working very closely together and this does make it awkward.

It's not awkward!

Come on, Nina, this will just be a story

we tell about how one of our sons kicked and punched the other,

and we all laughed about it afterwards.

Perhaps I was a bit hasty in offering you the position outright.

Come on Neil, come on.

Um...

Am I seriously grounded?

No, we're not American.

PHONE RINGS

-Answer it, Dylan.

-Nah. Can't be bothered.

I'll answer it.

Hello? Oh, hi, it's you.

Um, I can't, I can't talk right now so... Right, OK.

I heard that you were selling PlayStation games,

and I'd quite like to get some urgently for Saturday night.

Not the expensive, arrogant PlayStation games,

more the kind of fun, "Whoo, this music's great, loving everyone,"

kind of PlayStation game.

You with me? Brilliant, I'll get them tomorrow. Safe.

He sells PlayStation games.

Oh, my back is killing me.

I'll ask Steve to drop off some of those prescription painkillers for you.

Dylan told us what happened with Nina.

Well, what can you do, Lorna?

Fate gives with the one hand,

and with the other hand pops his fingers into your backside,

pulls your intestines out and douses them with acid.

Oh!

Oh, Kenneth Brannagh, I feel so horrible for you.

Just so tired of being right all the time.

OK. Number one, I've asked you never to massage me.

Not true.

Number two. You weren't right, I aced the interview.

Hey, I'm not trying to be controversial here.

But if you had taken my advice you wouldn't be suffering

this abject humiliation.

It was just bad luck, that's all.

-Bad luck? Or bad judgment.

-Oh.

I told you you weren't ready, and I was right.

-Oh, get fucked.

-Hey!

-Dad!

-Ken!

Well!

Look. Ken, please understand, I'm not trying to embarrass you.

I'm embarrassed FOR you. Do you see the difference?

Yeah. Right, I'm going to read my book.

Wait, Ken. Ken! Your negativity is causing you pain, Ken.

Oh, love, there's no need to take it out on Cuckoo.

Well, I feel bad enough without his torrents of Karmic drivel.

You've made Rachel paranoid that the two of you don't get on.

Oh, wow, mad, I'm worried about her.

All right, I shouldn't have snapped but... Just keep him

-away from me for a couple of days, will you?

-Yeah.

I've arranged a girls' night for me

and Rach, to give you and Cuckoo time to bond.

You've done what?

Rachel and I are going to Connie's.

You and Cuckoo are going to have a lovely time together, just the two of you.

-And you're going to bond. And reassure your daughter.

-Oh.

-What, is that your back again?

-No.

Hey! Dad! I thought you went shopping.

-Those Steve's painkillers?

-What?

-The tablets in your hand.

-There aren't any tablets in my hand.

Yes, there are! Open your hand.

Are those the pills that Steve dropped round?

-No.

-Then what are they?

Oh, these, these are the pills that Steve dropped round for you.

Right. Thank you.

-Where's Dad?

-Hi, Rach.

Oh, is your back still bad? Have you taken the painkillers?

You have to take them with food.

Lorna, watch, watch! Don't step on me!

I am not going to step on you!

Ow! Lorna.

It was an accident. Honestly, he is such a grumpy pants.

I'm entitled to be grumpy,

the forces of destiny are amassed against me.

Aw. Well, Cuckoo will cheer you up.

-He's got sick plans for you two tonight.

-He must shelve them.

Dad. Please just try and make an effort.

How do you put up with him?

I ask myself that every day.

Ow!

See you later, love.

-Bye, Dad.

-Bye, bye.

Now, remember what I said.

I thought we could start by exploring your Mayan calendar.

-God, I hope they're getting on.

-They'll have a great time.

And we are going to let our hair down and listen to Madonna,

and have a wild and crazy night.

Yeah.

Ready to party?

Whoo! Girls' night. Just the girls having fun together.

Guess who came back from university today?

What's up, Lorna?

It's my Zeb! Isn't this a surprise, Rachel?

Hey, Rach.

Zeb.

Well, go on, Zeb, give Rachel a kiss hello,

you haven't seen her for half a year.

Grown so tall, hasn't he, Rachel? Like a strong oak.

KNOCKING

-I'm reading!

-I made dinner.

I'll come and get mine later.

Ken. I just slaved away over this beautiful repast.

Now come enjoy it with me.

How great is this? Right?

Just the two of us, I mean, how often does this happen?

Not often, no.

So let's get to know each other, Ken.

I mean, what were you like as a kid?

I bet you were really mischievous, right?

Not especially, no.

Oh.

Well, finished. That was delicious,

-thank you so much.

-Wait, Ken, Ken.

Come on, I mean, we're supposed to be bonding here.

Let's confide in each other, really expose ourselves.

Oh, I'd love to. Thing is, though, Cuckoo, my back's agony

so I'll probably just go to my bedroom.

You stay here and chill out, man. Relax.

On your own. Oh!

HE SIGHS

MUSIC PLAYS: TRIBAL DRUMBEAT INTRO

ELECTRO BEAT, ACOUSTIC GUITAR

PSYCHEDELIC STRINGS

# Shake

# Shake

Cuckoo.

Did you spike our meal?

I did not.

I promised Rach I'd stay away from all Class As

until I got my permanent visa.

Well...

I feel sort of high.

You look kind of high, Ken. What did you take?

Just the painkillers.

Oh, yeah.

That's MDMA.

No!

It's good, too.

-Good stuff?

-Dutch.

-Yeah, they've got these sweet labs at Hoogezand-Sappemeer.

-Oh.

-Whoo! Check out that aftertaste. Head is going!

-Nice, yeah?

And going. And going down smooth.

Oh, Ken, we are in for a big one.

I'm just going to grab this second guy.

Oh, but Cuckoo, I haven't been high since Thatcher went out.

Must've been Dylan. Dylan!

Hmm. That's weird.

I feel no anger whatsoever.

Ken Bingsley, just relax,

because we are about to go on a beautiful journey together

and everything's going to be fine.

Promise me one thing, Cuckoo.

Whatever happens,

we have to make sure we don't do anything stupid.

I can't make you that promise.

And I don't care!

Oh! Hello.

And so...

it begins!

I'm quite frightened!

DOORBELL RINGS

Steve!

Lorna's out. Cuckoo's been giving me a lovely massage.

Here are those painkillers.

Oh, thanks!

Hey, it's Steve!

It's tiny little Steve!

-Hey!

-Are you having a good time?

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

Do you want a massage?

No... I'm all right.

-You should.

-I've got a judo class.

-He's got magic hands.

-Ken...

-I don't mind.

I feel like I've been a bit greedy.

-See you another time, Ken.

-OK, bye, Steve.

Safe journey.

-Great guy.

-I like him.

As I was saying to Zeb,

when he finished with that last girlfriend of his...

-What was she, Zeb? A model?

-A lab assistant.

-You know, you might have thought she was "the one"...

-I didn't.

..but at this early age, you don't really know, do you?

Don't you think, Rachel?

I think you know if it's real love.

Come on, Rachel, have some more drink.

Didn't, er...

you and Zeb snog once at a party?

Connie!

We can talk about it here, can't we?

I mean we're all friends, just chatting and having chemistry.

Yeah, maybe when we were like, 14.

15, babe. You were 15.

Lorna. I think this might be a really good time to take the dishes.

MUSIC: "Geno" by Dexy's Midnight Runners

-Rrrat-ta-ta!

-Rrrr!

# Dah-dah-dah! #

Holy shit, I love this band! Who is this?

It's Dexy's Midnight Runners. They're actually reuniting this year.

-Oh, my gosh, we should go, we should totally go!

-What?

-Come on, when was the last time you saw them?

-About 20 years ago!

I haven't got any tickets.

Let's get them right now. Let's go on the internet and get them now.

-That is a brilliant idea.

-Yeah.

Oh, my God! We're going to see the Dexys.

-I used to dress like them.

-Cool.

I think I've still got the costume in the attic.

Oh! Tickets are £200.

Get them.

And we should probably also buy a drum kit.

We should definitely buy a drum kit.

This was supposed to be a girls' night.

Zeb is basically a boy.

Yes, but I thought,

obviously, Cuckoo's not fitting in chez vous.

Maybe Zeb's the honey to lure her away from that dreadful hippy.

I don't want her lured away, I like Cuckoo.

He owns a potato van.

My Zeb's going to be a marine biologist.

-Connie, she's married!

-We'll see.

She'll never be able to resist my Zeb.

He's gorgeous.

CUCKOO YELLS, CHEERS

-Go round it again!

-Again? We've got to pick Dylan up.

No, again and again and again!

BOTH: And again and again and again and again!

Woo-hooooo!

-OK, let's go in.

-I don't...

I don't know, Cuckoo.

It's just this little voice at the back of my head is saying

you know, like, well, they're 16,

I'm 45, and...

Well, I'm high on drugs

and maybe this isn't a good idea.

-Ignore that, ignore that.

-Yeah?

Ken, you work so hard.

-You deserve this.

-Oh, yeah.

I do deserve this, don't I?

Yeah!

Has anyone ever told you you're really tall, Ken?

-Yeah, sometimes.

-You are.

-Yeah!

MUSIC: "Starships" by Nicki Minaj

# Starships were meant to fly

# Hands up and touch the sky

I'm still not feeling anything.

Er, the dealer said they were made to look like Neurofen

to avoid detection.

It's definitely coming.

I'm really feeling the music.

I have this really strong urge to touch people.

-Neil?

-On your own, Dylan.

I believe to make things square,

I'm going to have to give you a massive kick in the nads. Lads,

-hold him.

-Neil, don't do this. Not my nads, Neil! Please not my nads!

-What you going to do? Call your daddy?

-Party! Let's do this!

We're here!

Ah! Dylan!

Yeah!

Zoe! It's you.

Yeah!

Is your dad high?

Oh, right, yeah, he's mashed.

Hey. This is a nice place. Whose is it?

It's Lauren's mum's and dad's.

You're right.

I think I came here for a dinner party once.

We had COUSCOUS!

-Ken. It's all on!

-Yeah?

It's here! Here, here, here!

Whoa! Party! Woo!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen!

-Come on, my people!

-We are your new DJs.

We're about to rock this party right off!

Thank you, DJ Ken,

and we're going to play you a sick tune

that's going to make all you bros and all you teenage hos

just lose your shit on the floor.

Check it!

MUSIC: "Seven Days Too Long" by Dexy's Midnight Runners

# The first time I called you, girl They said you weren't at home

# And the second time I telephoned

# They all told me to leave you alone... #

CHEERING

# We had a lovers' quarrel

# Like all lovers do

# I wanted to make up

# It's only left to you now

# Cos seven days is too long without you, baby

# Come on back to me

# Seven days is too long without you, baby

# Come on back to me

# I refuse to break up

# But I'm too weak to fight

# And our love is too strong... #

Mum said you got married?

Yeah.

You disappoint me, Rachel.

I could never agree to letting anyone tie me down.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it. Has anyone ever wanted to?

Touche!

You know, our parents kind of always wanted US to get married.

Maybe's there's something in it.

Maybe. Except for the fact you're a total dick.

No.

I HAVE a total dick.

Doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo.

Ow!

Bet you wish your husband was hot like me,

bet you wish your husband was a freak like me.

Oh! Don't you?

(Don't you?)

Mum? We're leaving!

MUSIC: "Bonkers" by Dizzee Rascal

# Everything in my life ain't what it seems

# I wake up just to go back to sleep Act shallow but I'm in too deep

# Only care about sex and violence Heavy bass line is my kind of silence

# Everyone says I've got to get a grip but sanity gave me the slip

# Bonkers

# Some people think I'm bonkers... #

He's hurt! Turn off the music!

MUSIC STOPS

Kenderston?

Yeah!

He's alive!

# Some people think I'm bonkers... #

-ALL:

-DJ Ken! DJ Ken!

And that was my first time,

under the skies of Djibouti.

Afterwards, we pulled up our grass skirts and went our separate ways.

I to my colony,

her, her hotel.

Him...

Zimbabwe, and his presidential duties.

I love Lorna.

I'm going to text her, and tell her she's my one and only.

And I want another baby.

-Hmm. Smart.

-Yeah.

Cuckoo, promise me,

when we're sober,

you and I will still be best friends.

Ken. I promise

and I also promise that we will get messed up like this every Saturday.

You are on.

Smile,

and the world smiles with you.

Nina!

You're ready, Ken.

Go to her.

He's going to be great.

Nina!

Ken...

No, no!

Don't get in the car! No.

-I'm getting in!

-No! No...

Listen, I'm just picking Neil up. I'd prefer to wait alone, thanks.

I'll wait with you. We can talk.

-No, Ken. We have nothing to talk about.

-We do!

Nina, listen,

I love the Lib Dems

and I love Lichfield, and I love the council.

And I...love...you.

There. I've said it.

Well, Ken, that's all very well...

Nina!

There are all these forces in the world, trying to divide us,

trying to convince us that we're not the same.

Are we going to let them? No! Why?

WHY?

Because we...

..are the Liberal Democrats.

Well, you know, Ken, that's really heartfelt.

Look, maybe I might have overreacted. So...

-Oh!

-Oh...

Oh, it's all right.

I've got a tissue.

Oh! Oh...

I am so sorry, love.

I had no idea what Connie was planning.

Mum, nobody takes me and Cuckoo seriously.

Nonsense! I do.

Your dad does.

Dad doesn't even like him.

Never spends any time with him and he always avoids talking to him.

That is not true.

It's not.

We're back!

Oh, Rachel!

You have married the best man in the whole universe, do you hear me?

The best man in the whole universe.

Thanks, Dad!

I got your text message.

Though it is no to the extra baby, Ken.

Oh. I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh. Is that blood?

Yes.

My name's Ken.

-Lorn.

-Yeah?

I was sick all over Nina Morgan.

Right. That's pretty bad, isn't it?

No, she was fine with it.

I gave her a big hug and she said it was fine,

and I should carry on with my evening. It's fine!

Yeah!

It's fine!

It's fine.

It's fine!

Oh, bollocks.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd