Grandfather's Cat Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language.

But the students will learn to part those clouds, to throw their gaze past mortal things,

to look deep within themselves and find infinity

and, ultimately, see the face of God!

But, primarily, it's a potato van?

Yeah, but my teachings are a pretty vital part of it.

I'm just going to put down potato van.

Ah, she's a beauty, just needs a little investment,

get her up and running. And that's where you guys come in.

OK, I can actually offer you £2,000

at a comparatively small rate of interest!

Ah, that's great news!

Gemma, what is a rate of interest?

Interest is the amount that we charge you for taking out the loan.

I'm sorry, I think I'm confused about something.

It's money on top of the loan?

Yes, at a rate of four percent a year.

So let me get this straight,

it's money on top of the loan?

Yes.

Gemma, here's my problem, if we do this deal,

then I'm going to have to give you more money back than you've given me!

Everybody pays interest. It's how we make our money.

Well, then, why doesn't anybody know about it?

I mean, why the big cover-up?

They do know about it.

OK, listen up, people, wake-up call!

If you borrow money from these leeches,

they're going to charge you something that they like to call interest!

Just thought you'd all be INTERESTED to know that.

Please, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.

OK, fine, I'll leave, I'll go. Take these fine people's money.

Stack it up into your bonuses.

Blow it all on expensive suits and great cocaine and lap dances.

Some people might even admire that!

But not this guy, because this guy doesn't tango with bloodsuckers!

Not even hot ones.

Just want to teach people about love!

The Complete History Of The Sheffield Steel Industry.

Your old dad is going to wet himself.

Oh, not like that time, in a good way.

You've spent far too much on him.

You've already got the football tickets!

It's Tony's first birthday since your mum died.

I want him to have the perfect day.

Ah, sweet Ken, anything to please his father-in-law, just like me.

Cuckoo, we have to be on the road in ten minutes.

-You will be ready?

-Absolutely!

Ten minutes, Cuckoo!

It's all under control, Lorna!

In fact, we will have time to spare!

Huh!

Dad, Granddad's got a lot of savings, hasn't he?

No. No, Rachel.

Cuckoo is not fleecing an old man to fix his van.

He can get a loan and take some responsibility.

Dylan, I woke you up over an hour ago!

I'm not going. Charlotte Brown's having a party with an indoor pool.

Dylan...

Old boring man, pool full of fanny, deal with it!

-You're coming.

-OK, if I come, you have to get me decks.

-No.

-Reasoned argument means nothing to you, does it?

It's your granddad's first birthday since your nan died! We'll cheer him up, show him a good time

and I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you were there!

Said Hitler.

Up! Now!

That boy is unbelievable!

Well, to be fair to Dylan, there is nothing to do at Granddad's.

It's just you and him sitting in a corner

-talking about football and '80s politics!

-That's true!

Yeah. I like Tony!

I don't know why we always go there anyway.

Would it not be better if Granddad just came here?

Oh, my God, Nan's display bowl.

Mum, you still haven't told Granddad?

SHE LAUGHS

Hey, Ken, do you have a tie I can borrow?

Are you more naked than you were before?

Hence the tie question.

I hope Cuckoo's going to tone it down with your dad.

I just know Dad's going to ask about the bowl.

Mum loved that bowl all her life!

Two weeks with me and...

CRASHING SOUND

Lorna, just tell him you dropped it! You can't go on like this!

No way am I going to tell him!

I've just got to make sure he never comes to ours

and avoid conversation wherever possible.

With your father. That's healthy.

He's got a couple of decades max.

I just need to keep him at a distance till then,

and I'll deal with the psychological fallout later!

Whoo! Reporting for duty, Captain Ken!

Ready, mein Fuehrer!

Let's roll!

# 88 Tibetan monks on the wall

# 88 Tibetan monks

# One set himself on fire In protest... #

Yeah.

# 87 Tibetan monks on the wall

# 87 Tibetan monks on the wall 87 Tibetan monks... #

-HE WHISPERS:

-Lorna, please make him stop.

-Cuckoo?

-Yeah?

You're going to love Granddad, he's political like you!

He was a shop steward in the miners strike under Thatcher.

Oh, that's great, Ken, but it's the politics that I'm interested in.

I can't wait. It's going to be a gloves off, no holds barred debate

between me and the old guy!

THEY CHUCKLE

Now, where were we, singing gang?

# 99 Tibetan monks on the wall

# 99 Tibetan monks

# One set himself on fire In protest

# 98 Tibetan monks on the wall. #

It really happened!

Ah, greetings, comrades.

Happy birthday, Dad.

-Ken, great to see you.

-Great to see you.

And how's my wonderful daughter?

Great! Best get these inside, Dad!

-You all right, Granddad?

-Dylan. Mwah. Hello, Rachel.

Hello, Granddad. Aw!

-Lovely to see you.

-And you.

-Yeah.

Happy birthday, Tony. I'm your new grandson.

HE SNIFFS HIM

And you smell great.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, yeah!

Nice digs!

Very nice!

Look who's here. It's Floxie, in't it?

Say hello, Floxie.

Mmm! Mmm!

Didn't know you'd bought a cat, Tony?

It belongs to the Dixons up the road.

Started visiting me a few months back.

You came to look after me, didn't you, Floxie?

Yes, you did! You did, didn't you? Didn't you?

Mwah.

You did, didn't you? You did, didn't you? Didn't you?

You're a beautiful cat. A beautiful cat.

Hello, Floxie! Mmm, mmm!

Mmm, mmm!

So, you're the bloke who married my little princess.

Do you love her, Cuckoo?

Oh, so fucking much, Tony.

I mean, Rachel is my goddess.

Her body is a temple within which I worship three times a day,

bare minimum.

Sometimes as many as seven, depending.

HE CHUCKLES

You get a little tuckered out, don't you?

So, what have you been doing then, Lorna?

Oh, nothing much.

Best get these cleared up!

So, Tony, guess where we're going this afternoon?

Oh, you didn't?

Tickets for the Owls! That's great, Ken!

I thought we could make a day of it.

Fantastic!

Tony, is this your late wife?

Yeah. Yeah, that's my Debs.

She's gorgeous. Or as they say in Sheffield, dead gorgeous!

I thought we go up the Fox And Star after the match,

a few birthday drinks.

Jesus! Dylan, don't point that at people!

What if it had been loaded!

It's Granddad's Korean War rifle!

I thought you liked history!

ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us. #

Woo!

Woo! Happy birthday, Dad!

Hey, did you make that cake, Ken?

Banana cake. Your favourite!

-Yeah.

-All right, everybody, you know what time it is!

Tony, you're going to get the birthday bumps!

-Come on, I got his legs! You guys grab the back!

-Watch his knee.

-Ow!

-Traditional birthday bumps!

-Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

-Ow!

Here we go! Get 'em up there!

Cuckoo, just sit down and be less enthusiastic.

Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

HE WHISPERS: Happy birthday, Tony.

Tony, would you like my birthday gift?

Our gift, Ken!

Yes, our gift. Except I chose and paid for it!

-It's in the car. I'll go and get it.

-Oh!

Be prepared to be very surprised!

HE LAUGHS

What's that?

CAT PURRS

Whoa!

So...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..what does he do?

He's got a potato van.

Oh! Aye. Well, it's nice to see you happy, Rach.

Are you sure?

CAT PURRS

I only wish Debs was here to see you settled.

Thanks, Granddad.

Tony, Rach, Dylan, Lorna,

something incredible has happened.

I have an announcement to make.

Tony, this cat, Mrs Floxie,

is the reincarnated form of your dead wife Debra.

Ta-dah!

Is everything all right?

Well, Cuckoo thinks the cat is my mum.

What! Why?

I can't explain it, Ken, I just feel it!

Look, Tony...

No. No, Ken, it makes sense.

I remember the day Floxie first came to see me.

It was back in late February.

Debra's birthday is in March.

No shit!

That's not that much of a coincidence, Dad.

Yeah, but didn't Nan love cats?

Yeah, it's all coming together and look,

about as similar as a cat and a woman can be!

God, you're right!

OK, OK, Cuckoo, Cuckoo, this is a fun idea,

but I think it's pretty unlikely that that cat is Grandma!

Unlikely, Ken, but not impossible.

Well, kind of impossible, yes. I mean, is there any proof?

It's like I said, I just feel it!

-You feel it?

-Yes!

If only there was a way of us knowing for sure.

Honoured feline,

if you truly contain the spirit of our beloved Debra,

then please drink from the left saucer

and if you do not, then drink of the right.

And this will prove what?

It's a scientific test, Ken!

It's not, Cuckoo, it's a wholly random experiment.

The cat can't read!

Yeah, but Debra could.

Come on, give me a little bit of credit here, Ken.

OK, Tony, will you please release the cat/Debra?

Oh!

Oh, wow!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ah!

There were doubters, but now, we all see the truth, don't we?

She's come back to me, Ken.

Debra's come back to me, in the form of a cat.

I did it!

For fuck's sake!

Ken, they've made a bed for her out of Mum's old clothes.

Guess what? She really likes it!

Why are you going along with this?

Dad's happy! He's occupied, he's not asking me about the bowl!

What's the problem?

Lorna, we're atheists, remember?

Yes, when it comes to God and the church,

but this is like Eastern stuff, isn't it?

It's a bit cooler.

More...funky.

I can dig it.

Isn't it amazing?

Ah, you know if anyone was going to pick up on Nan

coming back in animal form, it would be Cuckoo.

He's just more receptive than people like us.

No! No, Rachel, you have three science A-Levels in Science!

Hindus and Buddhists have believed in reincarnation

-for thousands of years, Dad.

-They have.

I don't believe you two! Rachel, you've read The God Delusion!

Lorna, I told you all about it at length!

This is basically Paganism!

What are we going to do next, sacrifice Dylan!

What? Why me?

Cos you're a massive virgin.

Dah!

And, of course, the Egyptian goddess Bat was a cat, ironically,

because, based on the name, you'd think it was a bat!

THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, you definitely would.

-Yeah.

Well, I don't know about bats and cats, Tony,

but are you ready for the Owls?

I thought we'd get to Hillsborough early.

Ken, my wife's just got back from beyond the veil.

I'm not about to go to the football. That would be really rude.

Right.

It's just I got these over a month ago

so we would have really good seats.

-They did cost £90.

-Oh, Ken.

Ooh, remember that, Debs?

I remember you in that bikini.

Not a fella on that beach

could take his eyes off you.

Oh, you remember!

Couldn't wait to get you back to the hotel.

-Dad!

-What?

You think you youngsters invented sex.

We know different, don't we, Debra?

I'm going to go upstairs now.

Dylan, stop playing with the gun!

They think the cat is Grandma! I mean, Jesus!

So there is one rationalist in the family!

People don't come back after death in any form!

Thank you.

There's nothing afterwards, there's no point or meaning to life.

You know, that's why you should just chill out about hurting people

and get on with accumulating money and possessions and sexual partners.

Right.

Would you...would you like to come to the pub with me?

The pub?

The Fox And Star in town. It's a nice little boozer. It'd be good to get out of here, right.

-Is this a trick?

-No.

You're going to take me to the pub and buy me drinks?

I'm going to buy you a limited number of drinks.

Right, I'll get my phone.

HE SIGHS

Ah.

Bloody cat!

Pow!

Pow!

GUNSHOT

Ahh!

Ahh! No!

Ahh!

Did you just shoot the cat?

There were bullets in this! Did you not check?!

So it's like a fast-food van

and it's like a spiritual counselling centre?

You have a fast mind, Tony.

I mean, you were onto that like a fucking jackal.

Ken!

Me and this old minge are just bonding over my philosophies.

-Come join us!

-I'm just going down the shed.

-Why?

-Memories. Great memories!

Remember that time we tidied the borders?

-No.

-No!

It was phenomenal!

What are you doing with my old kit bag?

Do you know, I've absolutely no idea why I picked this up?!

HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

This has been great!

You two get on with it.

Anyhow, this van, I've got a bit saved away.

I could help out.

Oh, Tony, I am profoundly moved.

I mean, I will remember this day always.

My philosophical potato van is for ever indebted to you.

And when people inevitably thank me for my food and teachings,

I will say to them, "Don't thank me,

"Thank Tony...

"and me."

Ah, Ken, where are you going now, then?

Thought I might take Dylan down to the Fox And Star.

Oh, well, we could all go! Oh, could take Debra!

-Ha! Debra!

-You've just got her back and then you disappear to the pub!

Debs won't begrudge me a jar at the Fox. Come on, Cuckoo.

An afternoon pint!

Come and meet my friend Lenny.

If I keep this a secret for you, you have to get me decks.

Fine, I just need time to dump the cat! You could distract them. Can you do that?

Yeah, yeah, don't worry. Don't worry.

Yeah, great to see you, Len.

-Just like old times, eh?

-Aye.

-Aye.

THEY CHUCKLE

Cheers, Len.

Today is just the best!

Well, if everyone's got a drink, I'm just going to use the facilities.

-I love this place.

-Yeah.

What does everyone think of the new Rihanna album?

-I haven't heard it.

-Who?

I thought Ken was going to the loo!

Why's he going outside?

Hey, watch this! Look, my... my beer mat sticks to the glass!

Isn't that just really cool? Granddad, look!

I've not much life left, son. Please don't waste it.

I'm just going to go and see what he's doing!

No!

Mum... I...

I'm beginning to ask questions about my sexuality!

Wow!

Oh, Dylie. Go on! Go on!

And so, after a lot of soul-searching,

I finally came to the conclusion that I...am...

not gay!

-Yes!

-But, you know, it was really good to question it

and I wanted to share that with you, my family.

You wanted to share the fact that you're not gay and you never were?

Yeah. It really feels amazing to get it off my chest.

Wow, Dylan, that was beautiful.

I am so honoured that you shared that.

I mean, come on, give the little guy some props, that took courage!

What did I miss?

-Dylan came out as heterosexual.

-I did.

Well, I've long suspected as much.

And for being so candid and honest, I'm going to buy you some decks.

Yes!

That's awesome. You deserve that.

What are decks?

Ah, I can't remember enjoying a trip to Dad's so much.

Whatever you say about that cat, Ken,

she's brought him out of himself!

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

The Dixons called, you know, Debra's owners.

Said they haven't seen her all evening.

Dad, I'm sure she's fine.

You know, cats go walkabout all the time.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

-Night-night.

-Night.

-Night.

Silly old man, worrying about nothing.

Well, yes...

Except the cat's never coming back,

because it's dead.

What! How do you know?

I shot it! Accidentally, with Tony's rifle.

You accidentally killed it with a gun?

Where's the body?

It's in a skip at the Fox And Star!

Well, I don't know what to think, Ken.

I mean, in a way, you've killed my mother!

Oh, not really!

Well, in a way!

When are you going to tell Dad?

Mmm, I was thinking...never! Because he'll hate my guts for the rest of his life!

Oh, come on, Ken, you have to tell him!

You know I hate telling lies!

It didn't seem to bother you about your mum's bowl!

That was pottery! This is the death of a family member!

I'm going to tell him.

Then I'm going to tell him about the bowl!

Oh, you!

Are you finding this blackmail standoff a bit sexy?

Maybe a little bit!

But not enough, Ken!

Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Mmm.

All right then, Anne, eh...

Well, we'll just, we'll just soldier on. Mmm.

No sign of her this morning. They're sure something's amiss.

Oh, Granddad!

Oh, I'm sure she's not dead.

Well, the Dixons fear the worst.

She's never been out this long before.

Well, in that case, I'm sure we can rule out foul play.

It's nothing to do with anyone here!

Yeah, Tony, don't worry,

we won't stop until we find out exactly what happened to her.

Absolutely we won't.

But, look, this is a mad, crazy thought,

but maybe, just maybe...

..this is what Debra wanted to happen.

Maybe she came back as a cat just to see you, Tony,

just to reconnect for a short time before she went back to Heaven.

You think?

Yes.

As soon as you realised that it was her,

and you were able to say goodbye properly, she left us.

Mmm.

What? Are you serious?

Maybe her spirit wasn't strong enough

to inhabit a cat for such a long time.

Her spirit wasn't strong enough?!

This is Debra we're talking about!

I mean, it doesn't make any sense, Ken!

Do you know what, Cuckoo, I really feel it does.

I feel it does, too.

I think it's entirely plausible.

Oh, come on!

No, Cuckoo, they're right.

Maybe she just came to give me a message.

Maybe I should just accept that she's gone.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Anne!

-It's all OK, Tony!

Panic over, she's coming back.

-What?

-What?

Ah, Ken, sorry, this is Anne Dixon, Debra's owner.

Yeah, we remembered we had Floxie micro-chipped when she was a kitten,

so, she's OK. In fact, she's on the move!

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, wow!

Well, she's moving pretty fast!

She's almost here!

Ken, Debra's coming back!

Oh, Granddad, she's just been off on an adventure!

-You've been so brave, Tony. So proud of you right now!

-Thank goodness.

Look, we really should think about making a move.

I mean, Sunday traffic can be murder.

I mean, death. I mean, accidental death.

It says she will be here any minute.

Len!

Hiya, Tony. I found your sports bag in the car park.

-Oh, yeah, Ken was using it.

-Yes. Yes, I was.

It says she's here or very near!

-What's going on, Tony?

-Oh, a missing cat.

She must be hiding somewhere. Come on, Debra!

-Debra!

-I'll help.

-Come on out, puss-puss.

Floxie! Puss, puss, puss.

-Floxie!

-Come on!

-I'll just get this out of the way, pop it in the shed.

No, Ken, it's fine, I got it.

-I'd prefer to do it myself.

-Yes, Cuckoo, let Ken have it!

Guys, it's fine, you should be looking for Debra. I got it.

Cuckoo, give me the bag, please!

BELL TINKLES

That was a cat bell.

-What have you got in this bag, Ken?

-What's that caught in the zip?

Give me the bag, Cuckoo!

-It's fur!

-Fur? You mean cat fur?

That's where you're wrong, actually,

because this happens to be a Russian hat.

OK. OK. We gotta open this bag now!

-No!

-Arh!

-No!

-Arh! Arh!

Oh.

Ah!

What is a dead cat doing in this bag?

Ken?

Hold on a second, Tony!

I need to try and work out exactly what on Earth has happened here.

Did you kill Debra and then try to cover it up?

Fair dos, Tony.

I accidentally shot her with your rifle.

Dad, I broke Mum's bowl.

Ah, that's fine, love.

Oh, Ken.

Well, Tony'll be OK. He's strong.

But Ken, I have to say I disagree with your decision to murder the cat.

Well, as I said to you, it was an accident.

Yeah, but you and I both know there are no accidents.

Your subconscious did what it wanted to do

and that was to shoot and kill a cat.

Hey, look, I'm not judging, I just think it was horrible and wrong.

Can we leave it?

Yeah. Consider it leaved.

It's funny though, you know,

Tony has to forgive you, cos you're his son-in-law.

I mean, no matter how annoying you are, he's gotta live with it!

Just kind of makes you realise how lucky me and you are, you know?

# 99 Tibetan monks on the wall

# 99 Tibetan monks

# One burned himself in protest

# 98 Tibetan monks on the wall. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd