Connie Sings Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language.

Hiya, fatso! All ready for your wedding anniversary?

-Yeah. Met your mother 24 wonderful years ago.

-Aww!

Something smells good.

Yes, and smell is all you're getting. This is for me and Lorna. You two are leaving.

Oh, OK, I get it. A little alone time. Chika-bow-wow!

You're going to have sex.

How was work, baby?

Oh, it was OK. You know. I made a lot of money today,

and the customers were complimentary about the food.

You say it like it's a bad thing.

Ken, I didn't build a potato van cum spiritual advice centre

so I could...work. I want to heal people. Open their eyes.

You opened my eyes, Cuckoo.

I know.

And I think Ken would admit his life has turned around a bit, too.

Yeah. It's different...

-Slash, ruined.

-Dad!

It's starting to occur to me that people might not want advice

-from the guy giving them a potato out of a truck.

-Mmm!

I mean, what if the people in your capitalist Babylon

never truly appreciate my incredible gift?

Hey, well, here's a thought. Maybe just serve them potatoes, and forget about the spiritual horse shit.

-Whatever.

-Dad, you shouldn't have said that.

Whoa! I mean, what if all the great gurus throughout history took Ken's advice.

Stick to the carpentry, Jesus! Stick to the interpretive dance, Gandhi!

You know what, Ken? I can do this. And I will prove to you that I can do it.

Good for you. I want you to show me you can do it. But now, leave for the evening.

Helloooo!

Ooh, very romantic! To what do I owe this pleasure?

No reason! Just thought it was the right night for a special dinner.

Oh, yeah, you said you were cooking. Is there enough for Steve and Connie?

-Why?

-I invited them round.

Lorna, it's our anniversary.

I knew that! I didn't forget!

I just thought you'd have a better time with our friends.

Connie is YOUR friend.

I don't like Steve - he's a potent combination of boring and insane.

Connie and Steve? Is Zoe coming?

No.

Well, seeing as how you guys are having company, mind if we join?

Brilliant.

-HE WHISPERS:

-You're going to have sex tonight.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Lorna said you were changing university, Rach? Because of your gap year love affair.

That way Cuckoo and I can stay here at home with Mum and Dad.

I love living here, Connie. I mean, Ken and Lorna are such warm-hearted, simple people.

Thanks, Cuckoo.

So, Connie, what do you do?

I work with Lorna, we're estate agents.

Hey, did she tell you I believe all houses should be free.

Warning, Connie - I once lost two hours to this.

No, no - I'm interested.

All houses should be free? You really think that?

Uh, well, not just me.

There was also that clever little guy with the white beard who said "property is theft".

What was his name, again? Oh, yeah, right - Darwin.

Marx.

Top marks to you, as well, Ken. I love this guy.

How would you get the money to build houses?

How about the profound economic crisis

when the billions invested in land were wiped out in one single stroke?

Connie, I would rather the global economy collapse around us in flames

than one man slept on the streets tonight.

LAUGHTER

Aw, it's a sweet idea, Cuckoo,

but probably leave the thinking to other people and stick to potatoes.

-LAUGHTER

-"Stick to potatoes."

Oh, I'm sorry, Rach - Cuckoo just makes me laugh, that's all.

He makes me ROAR!

Moving swiftly on.

So, Zeb is coming down for my judo final...

Be quiet, Steve. Connie, where is all this anger coming from?

What? I'm not angry.

No. I've met a bunch of people like you before.

Somehow, somewhere along the way you lost sight of your dreams,

and it's left you really angry and super-mean.

Tell me something, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a guerrilla soldier - somebody tall and powerful,

that, if you crossed him, he would snap you in his strong hands like a twig.

No one asked you, Steve.

-What did you want to be, Connie?

-Cuckoo!

No, no, Ken. It's fine.

Well, you'll laugh, but...

I wanted to be a singer.

-Connie. No.

-I couldn't really sing, I just...

-Just something you grow out of.

-Connie, I would love to hear you sing.

-Maybe another time.

Yeah, or maybe right now?

-I mean, everyone wants to hear Connie sing, right? I know I do.

-Erm...

Go on, Connie. I'd love to hear you sing. I've never heard you sing.

Yeah, come on, Connie!

Connie, it's up to you. But if you DON'T want to sing, that's fine too.

-Well, if people are insisting.

-And I think we are.

# It's been seven hours and fifteen days

# Since you took your love away

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# I go out every night and sleep all day

# Since you took your love away

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want

# I can see whomever I choose

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant

# But nothing

# I said, nothing can take away these blues

# Cos nothing compares

# Nothing compares to you! #

Wow! Connie, what are you, a swan?!

Yes! Come on, guys! Give it up!

-HE APPLAUDS

-Give it up! Woo!

Connie, yeah!

Oh, man. I mean... Lorna, you want to talk about how that affected you?

Affected me?

Er, well, Connie... I think it was beautiful.

Ken?

HE SWALLOWS I'm deeply moved.

Well. I suppose I have always known I could sing.

-Don't give up your day job, though, eh?

-HE CHUCKLES

Just great.

Now we can enjoy the rest of our meal together.

Except for Steve.

-Bye, Connie.

-Lovely.

-Aw, lovely seeing you.

-Nice to see you. Bye.

Ah...

I hate them.

Oh, come on, you're still in a mood, you big grump box.

Lorna, it's been the worst anniversary ever.

Remember - the night is not over yet, Ken.

-I suppose it isn't, is it?

-No.

-CONNIE:

-I sounded good in there. And, you know, maybe I should have a look at singing again.

Darling, you cannot sing.

You sound like an elephant fucking an owl.

I thought we'd given up singing. We agreed basically it was annoying.

Steve, you are so negative about me!

Connie, we're making a scene. come on, get in the car. Now.

No!

Hey, guys?

I was just here on the john, I couldn't help but overhear.

Steve, years ago you met a beautiful songbird just flying free.

and you were attracted to her. Sexually.

And now, you're putting her in a cage, man.

Look at her, her plumage is all wilted, her droppings are discoloured -

a sure sign of sickness.

Question you've got to ask yourself, is what you're going to do about it, Steve.

Connie, get in the car.

Connie - never let anyone question your dreams.

Because without our dreams, what are we?

This is between me and my wife! Connie - get in the car, now!

-Steve, you're blowing it, man.

-Shut up!

You...goofball!

Connie - car, now!

That hurts, Steve.

Anyways, Connie. Just putting it out there. Food for thought.

Now, I'm going to close the window. I need some privacy while I finish up in here, OK?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, Con!

-Oh, Lorn - can I stay tonight?

-Of course.

Connie.

You can stay as long as you like.

-HE SIGHS

-Fucking Steve!

Finally, Mr Thompson, I get you alone!

THEY GIGGLE

-CONNIE SINGS:

-# Gold! Always believe in your soul... #

-CUCKOO:

-Good!

-Oh, come on.

-No.

-I'll sort it out.

-Lorn, I can't. SINGING CONTINUES

I can't, not to this.

-Try. Just try.

-I can't.

-Let me have a go.

-No!

Lorn, not to this. Please.

Just sleep.

# Ken is having breakfast

# Breakfast

# He's got cornflakes in his bowl

# In his stupid bowl

# He's not looking too happy

# It's all a front... #

Ooh! This is jolly! Go, Connie!

# He's got a big smile in his heart... #

I thought you were the one who was supposed to like music.

I do like music, and I'd like to protect it.

# Giant body...

# Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken Ken-Ken-Ken-Ken-Ken-Ken-Ken-Ken

# Ken...is huge! #

-NOW I'm hungry!

-THEY LAUGH

You're looking at my hat, aren't you, Ken?

It's a Tibetan guru hat. Actually channels a lot of really powerful mountain energy.

You're a guru today, are you?

Today and every day, and as a guru it is my task

to draw out the abilities of super-talented people around me.

People like...

Oh yeah, Connie!

Steve is going to eat his words when she's a professional singer.

A professional singer? And how exactly is that going to happen?

Luckily for me, Cuckoo tells me he's a really good teacher.

Guilty! And do you know why I'm a really good teacher, Ken?

-No.

-Because I listen.

-The thing...

-Shh!

I listen.

What?

Isn't it sweet!

She says she wants to be a singer.

If she can be a singer, I can be a singer!

-That's a bit arrogant, Ken!

-How long is she staying, Lorn?

Well, that's up to her. Look, it's just a tiff with Steve.

It'll blow over soon enough.

Just, whatever you do, don't get involved.

Mum and Dad, I really feel that if Connie is staying here,

Zoe should be here too.

She could stay in my room.

What?

Oh, I didn't mean it like that! You guys have filthy minds.

I pity you.

We're going to go get going.

Cuckoo, Cuckoo.

About this guru thing.

You seem to be putting a load of silly notions into Connie's head.

OK, Ken, if I break a glass, I will apologise.

If I break someone's electric razor, I will apologise.

Sorry about that, by the way. But if I break some lost soul out of her spiritual prison

and help her reach her dreams, then I will not apologise.

Unless in doing so, I break a glass.

Which, in this case, I have not.

Cuckoo, what do you even know about singing?

Check this out.

# Don't, don't you want me?

# You know I don't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

# Don't, don't you want me now?

# You know I don't believe it

# When you say that you don't need me... #

Ah, man, I was beautiful back then. But so lost.

MUSIC STOPS

And there are even some people,

-HE RAISES VOICE:

-like Ken,

would have considered me successful

what with my place at Yale and my recording contract.

But, in here, I was bottom of the class.

So, I left the country, did a lot of drugs - which I am NOT proud of.

And some drugs that I am proud of,

and became the man that stands before you today.

Why are you telling me this?

Connie, we can be anything we choose if we want it enough.

All we have to do is believe in ourselves.

Do you believe in yourself?

Yes!

No, you don't! You think you're worthless. Say it.

I think I'm worthless.

Exactly.

And you've got to get rid of that negativity

if you're going to become the singer that you've always known you are.

You're going to have to change.

Not here.

Here.

In my mind?

Marks.

Let's begin.

There's over 400 ways to hit a bongo.

You are about to do your first.

Ohhh, yeah!

< Very good.

Great acoustics in here!

Good. Good.

BAD!

< Bad!

Ooh, Ken! Look at that face.

THEY CHANT

Shut up!

Shut up!

SHE SINGS

Hey, I hope you don't mind.

We used some of your clothes to make a vocal booth.

'Hey, Ken. We used this little tape thing

'for some of Connie's song ideas. And go.'

SHE SINGS WORDLESSLY

'Good.'

SINGING STOPS

Well, she'll have to go.

-If you don't ask her, I will.

-Don't you dare!

Connie needs our support.

And Steve is a slightly strange guy.

Some of the things she has to put up with!

Oh, come on then,

oh collector of gossip. Lay down the day's catch.

Well...

he is obsessed with the curtains.

He goes mental if they're drawn during the day.

And he's always watching fishing shows.

And he's into sexual role-play.

Well, you certainly kept the best till last!

What does he do for sexual role-play?

Oh, shit - I didn't say that.

Come on - role-play! I'm waiting.

-I promised I wouldn't tell.

-Go on.

-No, I can't.

-Go on! You know you want to.

OK, I can't resist.

Steve pretends to be you.

What?

Steve pretends to be you every time he has sex with Connie.

I have this mixture of feeling flattered

and like I want to die.

Wait, wait - I've got something that WILL cheer you up.

It's just a little present to say sorry

for forgetting about the anniversary and everything.

Oh, Lorn.

-It's Ozzy!

-Wow!

Wow!

No, I don't understand.

Oh, you remember.

That night, down by the canal. You know!

And I was...doing my thing,

and a guy walked past and saw us

and he looked like Ozzy Osbourne, and we were like, "Ha ha ha!"

It was the night the Berlin Wall fell.

I remember because you were really pleased.

-The night the Berlin Wall fell?

-Yeah. When was it? '92, '93?

'89.

You silly! We hadn't even met in 1989.

Oh, shit.

Goodnight.

Paul McCartney.

Yes.

Elvis Presley.

Good. Who else?

One Direction.

Good, good.

-Michelle McManus.

-Keep 'em coming.

Cuckoo, what's going on?

Connie's singing in front of the public for the first time tomorrow.

By chanting the names of legends of pop music,

she invokes their spirits and takes on their attributes.

Robert Palmer.

Shaggy.

It's a technique I learned from a guru in Bhutan.

I would spend all day chanting the names of enlightened thinkers

whilst he cleaned the monastery.

Shania Twain.

You know you have got work tomorrow?

-This is my work, Rach. Inspiring people!

-Dappy!

You had to know selling potatoes wasn't going to be enough for me.

Here, think of it this way.

Without my teaching, I'm only this.

But with it, I'm this.

So much better!

Sparkly potato of learning!

Do you understand?

Aw, baby!

Mick Hucknall, Mick Hucknall, Mick Hucknall, Mick Hucknall.

She's starting to believe.

OK, Connie, this is the greatest challenge yet for your confidence.

The Greeks call this a cappella,

but I call it Mak-Shala music.

What does that mean?

-HE WHISPERS:

-It doesn't mean anything.

Now sing!

HUMS "SEVEN NATION ARMY"

CONNIE JOINS IN

OK, listen up, everyone!

This beautiful woman's name is Connie Chance,

and she is here today to make it big in the music business.

So, if by some awesome coincidence

one of you happens to be a record executive...

..will he or she please step up and make her dreams come true

with a million-dollar record contract?

Anyone at all.

# Picture this We were both butt naked

# Banging on the bathroom floor

# How could I forget that...

That's Shaggy!

Any label, big or small...

# You really got me now...

Anybody from Motown in the house?

THEY HUM "SEVEN NATION ARMY" WILDLY

Just anyone with some music management experience,

maybe some good industry contacts?

Anyone here fit that description?

# Ain't nobody loves me better...

Very sexy.

# Youuu...

Jeez, what are the odds?

Hey! Was that you singing?

That was wonderful.

I have a proposition. I would love you to come and sing in my club.

We'll take it!

Hey, Ken, it's Cuckoo and Connie.

Connie wants to talk to you about something.

Oh, God, no.

Connie has something to say to you, Ken.

-HE WHISPERS:

-Be strong.

You doubted me, Ken Thompson. But I have proved you wrong.

Today I was offered my first gig at Alexandro's Pizza Palace,

proving that Cuckoo was right and you were wrong,

and that he's probably right about most other things too.

She wrote that herself. That was beautiful, Connie.

Well, I think we're done here.

Have a good one, Ken.

Connie?

Ken.

Connie - wow.

The last few days have been wonderful.

I've had such a blast.

Oh, so have I! And I've learnt so much!

Question is, Connie - what now?

Now you've proven everyone wrong - me, Steve, all the haters.

I can't help thinking about your family -

they're all sitting at home, wondering what you're up to.

Maybe now's the time to pop back and tell them what the deal is.

Well - my first concert is at the pizza place on Saturday.

Seems wrong to make any decisions just yet.

No, it's the start of a glittering career.

Fantastic. It's time to get on with life - move on.

Yes. Maybe you're right.

I thought it was just a tiff, but yes -

maybe I should divorce Steve.

What?

What's the point pretending?

I'm a brand new person.

I need a sparkling new life to go with it. Thanks, Ken.

No, but...w...

Connie, wait...

Lorna! Big news! >

I've had a great chat with Ken > and I'm getting a divorce!

Got your text.

-Guess you're pretty pleased with yourself, aren't you?

-What?!

Oh, come on, Ken.

We both know what's been going on these last 15 years.

Who's got the cleverest kids? Who's got the nicest kitchen?

It's only natural -

can't have two Lion Kings on the Lichfield savannah.

Steve, I can honestly say that I have never once...

I was winning!

Zeb snogged Rachel a few years back.

I've got a nicer kitchen.

But then this.

This...

Your hippie son-in-law stealing my wife from me!

Christ. I never saw that coming.

You've gone two goals up in Ken-and-Steve-ball.

Two goals up.

Steve, you and Connie have got to get back together.

For the sake of your family and my sanity.

You have to tell Connie you respect her singing.

Never! You don't know what it's like.

In the early stages of the marriage she sang in the kitchen.

She sang in the shower.

She was like a shit stereo giving me less and less intercourse.

I miss her!

I miss her so much.

I miss her.

Connie!

Connie!

CONNIE!

# Well I know without a doubt

# My heart...

OK, Connie. Quick technique for nerves - when you're up there,

direct your performance at one member of the audience

and imagine them completely naked.

Just anyone at all.

Maybe Ken, for example.

-Will do.

-OK.

Hello!

I'm just going to go and use the facilities.

# We'll kiss just as before...

OK, I've spoken to Alexandro.

As soon as this song's finished,

you go up, introduce Connie -

say something complimentary, all wounds are healed.

Sorted.

Look, Ken, I know we've had our differences in the past,

but this whole thing has made me realise

-what a great best friend you are.

-No!

-Yes!

And when I get my woman back,

we are going on a safari holiday together.

One step at a time, eh, Steve?

Not bad, not bad.

-Hello, ladies and gentleman!

-Steve!

It's a wonderful warm evening out there, and I want you to welcome

a wonderful, hot lady to the stage - Connie Chance!

What's Steve doing here?

Connie, I just want to say

in front of all these good people here this evening,

you have a wonderful voice -

and I was wrong in finding it

grating and grinding and horrible.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lichfield's answer to Susan Boyle -

Connie Chance!

This one's for all the lovers in the audience tonight.

# A dying flame

# You're free again

THEY MOUTH

# Who could love...? #

Guess who told her to sing this one?

You?

It's our song, Ken.

# All dressed in black... #

You remember? That long, hot summer of '87.

Unbelievable!

# Fool if you think it's over

# Cos you said goodbye

# Fool if you think it's over... #

I did it!

It worked!

Everything turned out just as we'd hoped. I love a happy ending.

And now, if I may - a duet?

Do you know "Relight My Fire" by Take That?

I love Take That!

Here we go, Connie. Dig deep!

Go on, Connie!

# Help me escape this feeling of insecurity

# A-ha

# I need you so much but I don't think you really need me

# A-ha

# But I must say I only dream of you

# But like a thief in the night

# You took away the love that I knew

Go, Connie! Go, girl!

(BOTH) # Relight my fire

# Your love is my only desire

# Relight my fire

Yeah! (This is great!)

Connie, you're the best!

# ..nee-ee-eed your love. #

Fucking hell.

OK...is it just me,

or does anybody else have goose bumps right now?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd