The Wedding Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language.

-Do you have any kind of marriage certificate?

-My brother, I have better.

The monk who married us gave me this half of a coconut.

And me the other half.

I love you so much!

Oh, baby!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I'm looking for proof of marriage,

and this is a coconut.

Why don't you show that coconut to your boss, OK?

You've been living here for three months with no visa,

you're not married, which means you're working illegally,

and if that's not resolved, your uh...

philosophical potato van will be closed down

and you will be deported!

I'm sorry, but we deal in legal documents, not fruit.

-This is a nut.

-It's a nut.

-No.

-No.

-Coconut belongs to the class of fruit drupe,

like the mango or the olive.

You guys at UK border protection really know a lot, huh?

It saves lives.

OK, so it turns out that Cuckoo and I are not actually married!

-Sorry, what?

-Well, what about Thailand, the beach!

Apparently that wasn't official, so it doesn't count!

THEY LAUGH

That is funny.

-Yeah, it certainly does cast a different perspective on the last three months, huh, Ken?

-Yeah!

-So we're going to get married on Saturday!

-What! Why?

Because we love each other!

And there are legal complications if we don't.

We could have it in the garden!

-Great idea, Mum!

-Rach! Ah!

Hey, whoa! Let's just slow this car right down, eh, guys?

Maybe it would be better if you didn't get married!

-Better how, Ken?

-Yes, how, Dad?

You know, marriage is just so old school and stuffy and binding.

Not getting married, hah, that is funky.

That's way more you.

If we don't get married, they'll deport Cuckoo.

And maybe that will be a good thing!

Maybe distance is the test that your love has been seeking!

Maybe by being further apart, you'd actually become closer together.

Hah.

Well, that is a very beautiful thought, Ken,

but if I got deported, what would happen to the potato van?

Plus...Rachel gets really cranky when she doesn't get laid.

THEY CHUCKLE

I do.

She does!

-You do.

-I know.

THEY LAUGH

-It's my fault.

-I know, it is all your fault!

THEY LAUGH

What was that in there? It's like you don't want them to get married!

I don't! Of course I don't!

What? You love Cuckoo!

Have you been here for the last three months?

Ken, you are being silly.

I remember my mum saying to me,

"Marry a man that tall and you'll die of neck ache."

Well, I did, and it is nothing the chiropractor can't handle!

Cuckoo has got a heart of gold!

And he adores Rachel.

What more could any parents ask!

Some more!

Lorna, we've got to stop this!

I am having a wedding, Ken. I am owed a wedding!

Hey, hey, hey, there he is, my father-in-law-to-be!

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Hope he likes me! Trying to make a good impression, guv'nor!

-Don't try an English accent, Cuckoo, it's offensive to my culture.

-Oh...

OK, I'm so sorry.

Anyways, back on track,

I have been giving a lot of thought to your British tradition,

the stag do,

and who would make the perfect candidate for the best man honours?

DRUM ROLL

-It's you, Ken!

-Ah...

-Bring it in!

Oh, Cuckoo, Ken is already the father of the bride.

Perfect, he can do both!

Actually, babe, maybe Dad's already got enough to do at the ceremony,

what with giving me away and the kiss of brotherhood.

I'm sorry, the kiss of brotherhood?

Oh, Ken, it's this beautiful Buddhist tradition

where the groom and the father of the bride share a symbolic embrace

to welcome the groom into the family.

But fear not, Ken, no tongues.

THEY LAUGH

I'm sorry, you want us to snog in front of all my friends and family?

Well, yeah, but you can say no, Ken.

Oh, good. No.

Oh, don't give your answer just yet!

I will give my answer now! No!

-Please don't say no.

-No!

I'm hearing what you're saying,

but what about if you said something that rhymed with chess?

-No!

-Great, so you'll think about it!

We're getting married!

SHE CHUCKLES

What?!

Ken!

Ken!

Have you seen Ken? He's really tall.

-Has anyone seen him?

-Sorry.

Ken!

Ken!

Ah, there you are.

Steve, how did you get past reception?

I told them we were brothers

and that our dad got burned in a house fire.

Look sad or they won't suck it up!

Have you heard from Connie?

Last time I heard she was planning a holiday with Alexandro.

Alexandro!

Arh, Alexandro!

Come on!

Alexandro!

The guy I really blame for this is Cuckoo. I mean, he started it all.

-And you. You've been weak.

-Me?

Yeah. If my son-in-law went around playing the wally

breaking up my friend's marriages,

I'd give him a morote seoi nage.

-A what?

-It's a judo move.

A two-arm shoulder throw.

-I'll show you.

-Get off me, you bell end!

For what it's worth, he isn't my son-in-law.

-Apparently, Rachel's marriage wasn't even official.

-Not official!

Ken, this is a game-changer!

This is our window!

We can get rid of Cuckoo once and for all.

Don't tell me you wouldn't be happy if someone didn't put that boy on a boat out of here!

OK, yes! If I could, I would!

But it's not possible, Steve!

And you need to go home, have a lie down and phone a psychologist.

I just wanted you to know you've got an ally in me.

An enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Hey, Ken, sorry to hear about your father.

I mean, the fire. What a way to go.

So I was thinking, classic rose garden theme.

White flowers, pinks,

probably a string quartet playing some classical stuff.

Wow, Mum, amazing idea!

Thank you!

A great start. Just building on that, instead of the flowers,

we could have African fertility statues.

Um... Yeah!

And instead of the strings, we could have say, like, a quartet of bongo players.

Great! Rach, we are so on the same page!

Uh-huh.

Uh... Building on what you said, I was thinking that, yeah,

except maybe...rose garden and string quartet,

because most people find bongo playing very repetitive.

-Well, you can hit a bongo in 400 different ways.

-Not in a wedding, you can't?

Yes, you can! Write down bongos.

Write it down!

Dad, I want to talk to you about Cuckoo's stag night.

I need £200 for the lap-dancing club.

-He's asked you to be his best man?

-Not yet, but you said no and I'm the only other guy he knows.

DOOR CLOSES

It's Cuckoo!

Hello, Cuckoo! Good day at the van?

Awesome day, thanks for asking, and I have some big news!

I chose who my best man is going to be.

Cuckoo, you are not going to regret this. We're going to see like a million tits!

Ha-ha, yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Steve Chance!

HE CLAPS

Woo!

THEY LAUGH

Whoop! There he goes.

Yeah, he's been doing that a lot. Back up!

THEY CHUCKLE

Yeah, I ran into him in town and just had a brainwave.

I mean, how perfect is this guy!

Perfect? How?

Well, let's see.

One, he's a guy. Two, he's a hell of a guy!

Yeah!

And three, the best man's gotta know how to party

and this guy was drunk at 11.30 on a weekday.

I was. I am.

Steve, do you really think that this is the best role for you?

Lorna, are you worrying because I basically broke up Steve's marriage?

Well, yes.

THEY LAUGH

-She is.

-I'm going to throw this ruffian the best stag do in history.

To Cuckoo.

-Ah...

-Great guy, I think we'll all agree.

I know how to pick 'em!

Steve, what the hell are you doing?

I've worked my way inside.

As best man, I've got total control over Cuckoo's stag.

Here's the plan - we hire a girl,

she gets off with Cuckoo,

I take a photo on my fourth-generation smartphone

and send it to Rachel.

Textbook honey trap!

That is crazy! That's completely mad!

And besides, Cuckoo would never do anything. He adores Rachel.

Well, he'd be so drunk he won't know what he's doing!

He'll be catatonic.

She'll kind of drape herself over him.

I'll show you.

-You like on the floor.

-No need, I get it.

Rachel's a feisty girl, she'll have doubts.

But you get to work turning doubt into get out...

..of my house.

Steve, I have to admit the plan has a certain beauty.

We never had this conversation.

Cool. I'll erase the tape.

Oh, fucking hell, there's so many buttons.

I can't help thinking that Steve is a bad choice for best man.

Poor little Dylly, he was so looking forward to it.

I think Dylan would have arranged a night of nothing but strip bars.

Well, why not?

Let your hair down, a bit of innocent fun.

Lorna, we don't approve of strip bars!

Oh, Ken, it's not like the girls actually take their clothes off!

-How do you mean?

-Well, it's not about titillation, is it,

it's about the art of tease and asserting women!

You remember, we saw that BBC Four documentary about it.

That was about burlesque in the 1940s!

It's the same thing, you drongo!

It won't have changed that much!

It's not the same thing.

HE CHUCKLES

How do you know?

You're probably right!

Probably is the same thing.

Night!

Steve, mate, I overheard Cuckoo talking to Rachel earlier

and he said he'd be devastated

if he didn't visit a traditional English strip bar.

Let's not break his heart.

Dylan, we're not going to a lap-dancing club.

It's for Cuckoo, Dad!

God, you're so wrapped up in yourself!

Am I?

Stag do!

ALL: Yeah!

The groom-to-be, or should I say the victim-to-be?

THEY CHUCKLE

Your costume, Sir.

-Ah!

-You got me a costume! Steve!

HE CHUCKLES

And I want you to know I'm ready for your stag do prank.

Who said I'm going to do a prank?

-Arh!

-Arh!

-Yeah!

-Ha!

THEY LAUGH

Stag do!

ALL: Stag do!

Right, these are the stag rules.

You have to drink every time you make a factual error

or you say a colour,

and every time you call the stag Cuckoo instead of Special Baby.

Rah-hah!

Also, when you say "a" or "the."

Now, when you put a...

-Steve?

-What?

-Where exactly are we going?

-Liverpool.

Liverpool! That's miles away!

Yeah.

Some of the best bars are in Liverpool, full of fit birds, eh,

like on Hollyoaks, Dylan, ha-ha!

No, Steve, Hollyoaks is filmed in Cheshire!

-Drink! Drink!

-Oh-ho-ho.

Arh, yeah!

Boys, boys, Steve is driving along a motorway!

Nonsense, them's the rules, Ken, them's the rules, and you said "a."

-Ha-ha!

-Drink!

-Oh! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

-Yes, drink, all right!

Stag do!

ALL: Stag do! Woo!

Woo!

Yeah.

Have you got any ID?

I'm 33, mate!

It's all right, mate, he's with us.

-He's 18.

-You got any ID?

I'm only kidding you, mate. Go on in.

THEY LAUGH

You're awesome! Mwah!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

It's just the same as in my day. You just find the modern equivalent.

So first, you tell 'em you're a top stockbroker.

So... I'm a dotcom millionaire?

Right. And then, you say you know Wham.

So... I know One Direction!

OK, but don't admit to being under 30,

and never confess to any weakness or emotion.

Apart from that, just be yourself.

-THICK SCOUSE ACCENT:

-Hiya, guys! You having a good night?

It's the babe from the agency, Ken.

I'm dead nervous. It's my first time!

I've literally got no idea what I'm doing!

-Oh, good!

-Hey-hey!

ALL: Hey-hey, Cuckoo!

Uh-oh, who's our new friend?

Chantelle. Pleased to meet you. It's boss in 'ere, isn't it?

Yes, completely.

Chantelle, this is Cuckoo.

Oh, right!

Ah, I'm made up, cos you're actually quite fit

and the girl at the agency said you get some proper mingers.

Totally. I completely agree with all of that.

Is she from Europe?

THEY LAUGH

Chantelle, why don't you go and wait over there?

Whoop! She seems nice!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh!

-Whoa!

-This is my song!

THEY LAUGH

Ah! The dance floor calls!

Oooh!

Cuckoo train, Cuckoo train!

Woo!

THEY CHUCKLE

He's nowhere near drunk enough yet!

Special Baby's had twice what I've had to drink

and I AM hammered!

It's a waiting game, Ken.

Keep your focus!

MUSIC: "Upside Down" by Diana Ross

I want to dance.

No, Ken! Focus!

It's Diana Ross, Steve! I want to dance!

No!

HE LAUGHS

-You can dance!

-You can dance!

What? Ah!

-Ah!

-Ah!

HE SIGHS

You know, my parents split up when I was five.

My dad didn't really want to know me

and my mom was always distracted.

I never felt like I had a real family, you know?

And now, I finally do

with you guys!

Thank you, Special Baby.

-I'm the Special Baby.

-You're the Special Baby.

Uh, I feel woozy.

Now's our chance.

You get Chantelle, I'll get the camera.

Steve, do you know what, best not do this.

What?

Let's just not bother. It's better this way.

You're probably right.

Sabotaging my own daughter's wedding, Steve,

it's a bit extreme, isn't it?

-Completely.

-Yeah.

-I agree.

My last best man's duty -

prostitute's poison to finish off the night.

Ah!

-Ah!

-Why not?

To forgiveness.

To forgiveness.

Mmm.

Whoa!

Steve?

Steve, what about Dylan?

He'll be fine!

And should you be driving?

It's OK, Ken, I've been faking drinking all evening.

Ah! Because I was saying about...

Wha...What the fuck!

HE GASPS

Lads!

Dylan! Cuckoo!

-Dylan?

-Yes, Babe.

OK, I've got a confession to make.

-Yes, Babe.

-I'm not 21, like I said.

I'm 19.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Dylan.

Forgiven.

TELEPHONE RINGS

That'll be the CEO of my dotcom business.

Mum!

-Nickname.

-Oh.

'Dylan?'

Dylan, where's your dad? Where's your dad, Dylan?

Dad is in another meeting at the moment, I'm afraid.

Major investor.

The wedding is at 11.

Dylan, your sister's getting married!

I'm a little caught up with a client at the moment,

'so why don't you put the deal together yourself,'

I'll mosey on down later to help with the sign-off.

Dylan! Dylan!

-'Dylan! Dylan!'

-Bad reception, Brian! Bye! Bye!

Where were we?

If we do it again, would you mention me to Harry Styles?

Course, babe.

Oh.

Excuse me, this is a non-smoking wedding.

Uh!

That is very rude for a monk!

Cuckoo!

Lads!

Dylan!

Cuckoo!

Lads!

Dylan!

Steve!

VOICES IN THE BACKGROUND

Aye.

THEY SPEAK IN CHINESE

Ah, good chap.

Steve, where is Cuckoo!

Ken, how are you?

Oh, let me guess, little bit of a headache?

Is that Ken? Hey, Ken!

'This is so fun!'

Is he in that container?

'Sure am, buddy! Ho, ho, my God!'

This must be like the biggest stag do prank ever.

Stag do!

-Stag do!

-'Stag do!'

So, as you can see, Ken, everything worked out pretty well!

Steve, what is happening?!

Never go into battle with only one exit.

That's my motto, friend.

And since you sissied out last night, I activated plan B.

Ah!

Why is Cuckoo in the container, Steve?

Uh, uh, you didn't say Special Baby! Drink! Drink! Drink!

He won't be hurt, Ken.

After three months on the boat, my good friend Fufan will pop him back on the beach, happy as Larry.

-'You drinking?'

-You twisted little bastard.

-I can't do this!

-Rachel will get over it soon enough.

We've got to get him out, Steve!

He wrecked my marriage, Ken.

HE SIGHS

He ruined my life!

Fine, I'll get a port official.

No, Ken.

I can't allow you to do that, I'm afraid.

Seriously, Steve?

Get off! What are you...

-Ah!

-..doing, you little tit! Argh!

You've given me a bloody dead leg!

Ah!

HE SCREAMS

'Stag do!'

Oh! No!

Yeah!

'This is awesome, you guys!'

Ah!

Snake! Rah!

Argh! Fuck!

'Stag do!

'Stag do!'

Ah! He is at Cambridge.

-He's not at Cambridge!

-He's at Cambridge!

He's not at Cambridge!

Calm!

-Yes?

-Yes.

Arh!

'This is so hilarious! Woo, Special Baby!'

-Ah!

-Yes!

Fucking idiot!

'Whoa! Ah-ha-ha!'

I'm flying! I'm flying!

Ah, this is an awesome. Stag do!

Oh!

Arh!

Cuckoo!

'Woo!'

Special Baby!

Oh!

Oh, God.

HE PANTS

HE COUGHS

No, come on, Ken!

Come on!

SHIP HORN BLOWING

Stop the ship!

Hey, stop the ship!

Hey, stop the ship!

Stop!

Hey!

SHIP HORN BLOWS

HE PANTS

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hi, Lorn.

Uh... Bit of a mess-up our end.

Uh... It's a funny story, really.

Well, where do I start with this?

Stag do!

Hoo! You guys almost got me.

-Oh!

-Oh, you jokesters.

Ah, good thing for me

I was an escapologist for two years in Ulan Bator.

-You didn't know that, did you?

-Cuckoo.

THEY CHUCKLE

HE SIGHS

Hold me against your big, warm body, Ken.

Hah, the ocean was so cold.

I swam so far.

A lot of backstroke.

THEY SIGH

-Let's get you back to the van.

-OK.

Wait, what about Steve?

He's not coming, Cuckoo.

-Ah, I get it, joke's on him!

-The joke's on him.

-Joke's on him this time!

-That's right.

Dad, I'm just going to go and have a check.

Oh. I'll hang on here.

Yes.

You look lovely. Oh.

Thanks, Mum.

Nice.

Did we make it?

With 20 minutes to spare.

We were so lucky on the Mersey turnpike

and we made great time from then on in.

You know, Ken, I'm glad Steve's not here because, honestly,

I did not enjoy being tied up in that container!

I mean, I'm not even sure it was that funny.

It wasn't! It was a genuine attempt to get rid of you!

-No.

-Yes!

Holy shit!

Steve hadn't really forgiven me?

You know, Ken, with no Steve, I'm going to need a new best man!

Ah!

Just say yes!

Well, you gave me a fright!

Sounds like you've had a big one!

BOTH: Pretty big one, yeah, we went to Liverpool.

-Where's Dylan?

-Dylan!

Dylan!

DOOR OPENS

Ah, hello, love. Have you had fun?

Well, last night I lost my virginity to a very nice lady

who, I think, might have been a prostitute!

As if! Get your asses out here!

Who gives away this woman?

I do.

Who has the rings?

I do.

Do this right.

You may kiss the bride.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

We got married!

HE CHUCKLES

Yes! Woo!

Peter, we did it!

HE LAUGHS

Are we going to do the kiss of the brotherhood?

Oh no, Peter, it's fine, we're just going to skip that part.

It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal.

Oh...

Come 'ere.

GUESTS: Woo!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd