A New Beginning Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language.

WIND HOWLS

VOICE ON RADIO: 'I'm totally fine.

'OK, maybe I shouldn't have climbed this terrifying windy rock face but

'I saw the baby goat and I just had to save that little critter's life.'

-GOAT BLEATS

-That is mountain goat.

They live on mountain.

You're not saving life, you're just chasing him.

MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

'Four goats!

'Four of 'em, just sitting on the mountain like they live here.'

Yes. Mountain goat! I tell you many times!

'Wow, they have awesome balance!

'I don't think I can keep my grip on such a steep...

'Whoa!'

MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Young man dressed like, er, it's special phrase -

in your language, Western man who think he look Nepalese,

-but actually just look like penis.

-Phew, oh, so it's not Cuckoo!

-Are there any other details?

-HE CONTINUES

He remember one final thing.

Young man have, how you say... interesting packed lunch.

On the outside, hard like leather of the yak...

..on the inside, soft and fluffy like the yawny of the great goddess.

Jacket potato-ah!

SHE SOBS

Jacket potato-ah!

-Jacket potato.

-Rachel, I'm so sorry.

-Jacket potatoes!

-SOBBING CONTINUES

-HE CONTINUES SPEAKING

-Jacket potatoes!

SHE SOBS LOUDLY

MUSIC: "No Rain" by Blind Melon

# All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

# I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

# And all I can do is just pour some tea for two... #

SONG CONTINUES ON THE RADIO, KEN SIGHS

Get it open right now, Dylan!

-Got a good feeling about this, Ken.

-Have you?

-Yes.

Oh, bollocks! I didn't get any of my choices.

-Right, well, sorry, I disown you.

-He tried his best!

Anyway, with looks like that, Dyly doesn't need good grades.

Ha-ha! I was shitting you, you idiots!

I got in! To do media studies at the University of Roehampton.

-Oh, wow, Dyly!

-You little shit!

Roehampton! I'll take that, son. I'll bloody take that! Well done.

Now do you see what a dick you were, Dad, telling me to work harder?

-Aw, we'll miss you when you go to uni, Dylan.

-Obviously.

Champagne, I think. Who cares if it's before work?!

Get it in!

CHEERFUL WHISTLING

-Ben, hello.

-You seem cheerful.

Well, Dylan actually got in to university.

Says something about the state of the country,

but otherwise, great news. And what can I do for you?

Other than get us a new centre forward

-for the City game on Saturday.

-We need one! Ha!

-God, we need one.

-I might just do it myself.

-You'd be an improvement!

-"Here comes the big man upfront."

"Bit of weight to throw around."

OK, let's leave it there.

Well...

What's up, my boy?

Ken, OK, er, Ken...

What is it? Hurry up.

Rachel and I have been seeing each other for just shy of a year now

and, as tradition dictates, I thought it right

-to seek your permission to ask your daughter to...

-Yes...?

..cohabit with me.

-Cohabit?

-Yes. With Rachel's temp income, by my reckoning,

we could stretch to a three-bed semi with adequate garden area.

I've put together a folder of potential mortgages.

Take a squiz!

Colour coded. A very complete job, then.

I'm asking her tomorrow.

Good luck, and, Ben, as my old granddaddy used to say,

"When you're out a-wooing, never take a folder.

"Aim for romance, chocolates, flowers and a black polo neck."

Done, done and done.

Ken...

Rachel's had a lot of unpredictable influences in her life,

but I swear, she won't have any from me.

HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY

Rachel's in no state to make big decisions yet.

It's like she's been a different person since Cuckoo went missing.

Oi, you stay out of it.

Ben is solid, dependable - it's just what Rachel needs.

He's really bloody boring, Ken.

If it's not football, it's law or local history.

Three of my major interests.

-Yes, but you, Ken, make them fascinating.

-Oh, no, I don't!

I just don't talk about them and I listen to you instead.

It's true.

Oh... and do not tell Rachel he's asking.

Like I would.

Ken, don't look at me like that, I am not going to tell.

-I promise.

-Mmm.

Well, SHE'S had work.

That's Gok Wan, Lorn.

-SHE LAUGHS:

-Oh, yeah.

KEN BRUSHES HIS TEETH

Rachel moving out, Dylan going to university.

In a year, there'll be just the two of us.

I can't wait. Finally, some peace and quiet.

Actually, I did want to talk to you.

There's, er... something we always said we'd do.

A...a promise you made to me before we got married.

Oh, yeah? What did I promise?

To get a vasectomy.

-What?!

-Back in '92, when you had long hair,

you said it was unfair that women

had to take all the responsibility for birth control.

Such a caring, thoughtful thing to say.

Yeah, what a thoughtful caring boy I was in my 20s.

Come on, it's not like we're going to have any more kids.

Well, maybe there's a gesture you could make in return.

Is this that disgusting fantasy you mentioned last May?

Yes, it is.

Deal.

And thus, my hairy friends, your fate is sealed.

Yes!

-Dad was in a funny mood this morning.

-Yes.

He's bricking it about his vasectomy.

Which, by the way, you're not meant to know about.

I think I was happier not knowing.

We thought, now you and Dylan are moving out, we...

-Shit.

-What? I'm not moving out.

Yes, I'm not supposed to say that one either.

Never mind, here goes.

Ben is planning on asking you to move in with him.

Right.

Well, yeah, makes sense.

Well, who am I kidding?

-I was married to someone incredible, unique...

-Yes.

..and that happy part of my life's over now, so why not?

TYRES SCREECH, LOUD THUD, MAN YELLS IN PAIN

Oh!

-Argh. Argh!

-Bloody hell! Are you OK?!

Oh... Sir, do you know you just hit me?

Excuse me, sir! You just hit me

with your mobile vehicle! INAUDIBLE RESPONSE

Unbelievable! Hello.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah. Oh, I'm fine, just...processing the pain.

Oh.

Oh, well, you're not from round here, are you?

No.

I'm from a valley,

hidden high in the peaks of Uttarakhand Province, India.

Winters are stormy and fierce,

but come summer, the whole place teems with Brahma Kamal.

A white lotus.

Flower of the mountains.

It's nice. OK, see ya!

Oh, are you sure you don't want us to call someone?

Oh, no, it's not the end of the world, right?

Not till tomorrow night. HE LAUGHS

Oh.

Whoo-ho-ho!

Chemistry or what?

-Mum!

-Chemistry or what?

-Do you know what you look like?

Ken.

Steve?

I knew you'd be worried, I had myself transferred for the day,

so I could handle your unmanning personally.

-Unnecessary.

-Oh, don't mention it.

I'm not letting my best pal's testes get anything but premier service.

HE SLAPS HIS BACK

SOAP DISPENSER RATTLES

Lorna says you're back in the family home.

Oh, yeah, I've moved back in with Connie and her lover.

Being grown-ups about it.

I'm fine with Pepe and Connie sharing the master bedroom.

I mean, people have sex, get over it.

And if it's going to happen anyway, better it happens in my bed.

Right, Ken? OK.

So, preliminaries before surgery.

Ah...

..if you could, er...

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

HE WOLF-WHISTLES Oh, ah, hello.

..lower your trousers.

Oh.

Steve, could you try to sound a little less excited, please?

You always wonder when you're going to see

your best mate's cock and balls. It's normally in a public urinal,

but I've noted, Ken, you don't use them much.

You have a bladder like a ruddy bison.

OK.

RAZOR BUZZES

Erm, and this is...?

Ah, I prefer to work in a hair-free environment.

You prefer?! You mean, it's not compulsory?

Well, I suppose, technically, you get a choice.

Right, then turn it off, you little bastard.

Shame.

HE TURNS IT OFF It's your loss.

Well, I'm very positive, it's got a really nice shape to it.

Really nice...proportions.

I look forward to operating upon it.

-OK, sorry, Steve, I've changed my mind.

-What?

Why? I won't mess it up, Ken. It won't be like the last times.

The last TIMES? Yeah. I am definitely leaving.

No, Ken, wait. Wait, I love you.

What? Oh, I don't love you.

-Mum, it was hours ago. Can we drop it now?

-No, we can't.

You should've got his number, you loser.

What was I going to do? Run after him?

Rachel, you will keep your dignity and die a spinster.

Mum! I'm with Ben!

I know, I like Ben, I honestly do.

But there was something about you and that lad.

-A mum knows.

-I'll probably never meet him again anyway.

And if I do, well, then that's destiny

and I'm definitely allowed to do horrible things to him.

-THEY GIGGLE

-Litchfield's not such a big place.

I'm sure you'll run into him some time.

Mum!

Maybe it IS destiny.

-Ken?

-Hey, love!

You're back early. How did it go?

I bet he chickened out of it, right, Dad?

-Lorna, why does Dylan know about this?

-Oh, it just came out.

So, did you go through with it or were you a chicken?

Yes, I went through with it. Why wouldn't I go through with it?

Ha! So now you're a eunuch! Oh, how embarrassing.

My brave soldier.

What is that?

I drove over him in the driveway.

Well, why didn't you take him to hospital?

Oh, relax, Ken. He's still breathing.

It's probably just concussion.

You knocked him unconscious! He could sue us!

He's not going to sue us. Look at his lovely face.

I think he's here because he likes Rachel.

Hey, do you think we should Biro the word "twat" on his forehead?

Yeah, really helpful, Dylan(!)

Rachel is going out with Ben.

For the moment.

CAR HORN TOOTS

Ben! Is it seven already?

On the dot.

-For you.

-Oh!

-Oh, and, er, here's chocolates.

-Oh!

Guylian. French, I believe.

-I think they're Belgian.

-Are they? Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.

-I'll get rid of them.

-No, Belgian's good!

Rach, it's been two years since Cuckoo went.

Maybe sometimes you just have to live for today.

Well, not actually today. The flats won't be built until next April,

but, you know, live for the s-soon.

-Ben, I...I dunno.

-Darling, the maths works out really well.

Cohabit with me. Eh?

Co-habite with me.

SHE LAUGHS

HE BABY-TALKS: Never been a better time to invest in PWOPERTY.

Oh, I-I'll think about it.

-Yeah?

-Mm.

-Rachel!

He's waking up!

OK, I'll call you.

DOOR SLAMS You left your...

Oh, shit the bed!

Course they're Belgian!

-FRONT DOOR CLOSES

-Rachel, quick. Quick.

Where am I? Who are you?

I'm Lorna. I drove over you.

-Yeah, maybe not mention that.

-I'm Rachel.

-Hi.

-You were watching over me. Like an angel.

Well, you're... you're fairly easy to watch.

Why don't we two leave you two to relax and get to know each other?

-I do not approve of this.

-Shut up and get out of the room.

No, stop, sir. I need to say something.

I came here today looking for someone

I've been waiting my whole life to meet.

Oh, go on.

It's not you.

-Hello.

-Sir...you are my father.

No, I'm not.

-Ken?

-No, it's you.

21 years ago, when you were 13, your family went on a vacation

to an ashram deep in the Indian jungle.

There you encountered my 38-year-old mother.

You were drawn to each other like hot-blooded tigers

and consummated your passion in a tent next to the mountain.

I am the fruit of that lovemaking.

Behold, Father, it is I, your son.

Ken, I did not know any of this.

Lorna, 21 years ago, you and I bought our first flat.

I think you might've noticed if, in between decorating,

I'd have dressed as a 13-year-old boy who sneaked off to India!

Well argued, Ken. Sorry, love, you've got the wrong guy.

No!

You're Cuckoo Thompson. Formerly Dale Ashbrick, my father.

You're...Cuckoo's son?

Fuck me!

-OK, so this one's Dad, not you, Ken?

-Mm-hm.

-Wow!

-He looks so wise.

-Oh, he was.

Yeah(!)

He was. He was really wise.

Oh, Cuckoo would've loved to have met you.

Right, Rach?

Yeah.

I leave the ashram, travel halfway across the world to find my father

and it turns out he's dead.

Oh, well, as Vashradi says,

"Gotta keep smiling." HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE

And how are you living?

-Have you got somewhere to stay?

-I sure do.

I met this really sweet little community

who sleep on benches behind the station.

-You've been living with tramps?

-Nice people.

And, boy, can they drink! HE GIGGLES

Well, love, until you need to head back to your ashram,

-you're staying here.

-OK, but I leave tomorrow midnight.

Nonsense! You can stay as long as you like.

Lorna, can I have a word, please?

Yeah.

-Why have you offered a stranger free run of our home?

-He's family!

He's the absent son by another mother of the dead husband

of my daughter. I don't even think there's a word for that relation.

-Step-grandson.

-HE SIGHS

Anyway, he's cute.

Oh, Lorna!

Ken...big day, isn't it?

Cuckoo's son turning up out the blue. Your vasectomy.

-Yeah, listen, about the vasectomy, I...

-See ya.

Dylan, you're not going out.

We're all having dinner together to celebrate Dale's arrival.

-Er, no, I'm meeting Zoe, my girlfriend.

-No, you're staying.

Mum, I have a relationship to maintain.

God, when will you stop being so self-absorbed?

-Dylan!

-And how do you even know he's Cuckoo's son?

An American accent and a shit-eating grin

and you're like, "Yeah, come in, stay, have dinner."

I'm sorry if it sounds a bit harsh,

but I hope he kills you both in your beds.

Yeah, that WAS harsh.

-Lorna, this is delicious. Thank you so much.

-Thank you, Dale.

So, your mother's serving a life sentence for drug smuggling?

I haven't heard from her in two decades.

Kind of a bummer but, like the prophet says,

I probably brought it on myself in a previous life.

Is that what they teach you on the ashram, Dale?

Oh, Ken, it is such a wonderful place.

So ordered, peaceful and there's no crime,

because any sort of wrongdoing is punished without a shred of mercy.

Oh, this is weird.

If you were my dad's wife, then, in a way, you're kind of my mom.

-SHE COUGHS

-In a way.

And, Lorna, you're my grandmother.

-Mm.

-Yeah. Never ever call me that.

-KEN SNIGGERS

You can call me Uncle Dylan. In fact, you have to.

-Dylan!

-Mum, I'm welcoming our guest.

-So fuck off!

-BOTH: Dylan!

Oh, no! I just realised - we forgot to say grace.

-Don't sweat it, Dale, we're atheists, so...

-Ken!

He's just found out his father's gone.

-If he wants to say grace, let him.

-Go on, then.

Good evening. Chief Ken has granted me permission

to lead community absolution.

-Dad, what is he doing?

-I don't know,

but Chief Ken has got a lovely ring about it. Carry on.

Peace on Vashradi for these are my sins.

I've judged my brother man,

I have eaten at an oaken table,

I have swallowed saliva, sap of my tongue.

I watch cartoons on TV.

I've glanced at the chest of a lady.

And for that, may Vashradi forgive.

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.

FORGIVE!

Yeah, I take it back. He's definitely Cuckoo's son.

All right, thank you.

Trust me, it's a cult.

Yes, typical. Anything to do with yoga or spirituality

and you're dead against it. It sounds nice!

An ashram in the mountains.

Look - "Vashradi Ashram invites single and divorced truth seekers

"to discover a unique and sensual discipline for mind and body."

Sounds all right so far.

"Grand yoga master, Michael Vashradi,

"will transform your beliefs and your lifestyle 100%.

"Free yourself from family, friends and worldly goods.

"No men allowed."

-Yes, granted, this does sound culty.

-Thank you.

Hey.

Gotta look my best, big day tomorrow.

Sorry, I need to, er...

Oh, yeah, go for it.

Oh, Dale, we...we don't tend to use the bathroom together here.

Oh, OK, I'm, sorry, that's... er, different rules here.

On the ashram, we always have to go in pairs

in case anyone tries to escape. HE GIGGLES

All right, well, I'll catch you later.

Oh.

-Oh...

-Whoa, er, I'm so sorry, Mom.

Please, please don't call me that.

OK.

Bye, Mom.

SHE MOUTHS: Oh, my God.

Well...

DALE LAUGHS Wow.

-So this is the vehicle from my picture?

-Yeah, that's it.

"Potatoes of the revolution"?

Can you explain that to me? It doesn't make much sense.

Another time.

Dale, you know this guy who runs your ashram, is it Vashradi?

-Vashwardi?

-HE GIGGLES

Vashradi. Yeah, come on, Ken, you've heard of him.

-Why would I have heard of him?

-Er, no reason.

Maybe cos he's the son of God?

-HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING

-Yeah.

Thing is...

Lorna and I think that this ashram of yours, it might be a cult.

What? No Chief Ken, wrong. Way off. I mean, in fact,

the first line of our creed is, "We are not a cult."

We say it every single morning and then we eat together,

Vashradi picks his wife for the day and...and I get to work.

See, that does sound like a weird place.

As long as you're good and Vashradi is smiling, it's a wonderful place.

If you're bad, yeah, you get tied to the post,

but for, like, a couple days max.

You know, I don't think you should go back there.

No, I'm not going back there. I leave tonight, midnight,

-the galawinga are coming to collect me.

-The what?!

The galawinga?!

Remind me.

HE GIGGLES All right.

The galawinga are super-intelligent extra-terrestrials

responsible for human evolution.

They also left us the pyramids and ice cream.

Well, tonight, they're coming

to take Vashradi's elected disciples up to space,

and the rest of you get zapped by the special kickass alien lasers.

I'm sorry, you...you think that tonight we're all going to die?

It's really unfortunate. You're...you're such nice people.

Dale, listen to me.

All of this alien stuff, you know it's not true.

OK, Chief Ken.

Whatever you want to believe, go for it.

It won't be long till we find out which one of us

is making a huge dumb-ass mistake. HE SLAPS KEN'S BACK

KEN SIGHS

Well, 20 minutes before 12,

I'd just like to say a quick farewell to each of you.

Chief Ken... you are an inspiring noble person.

I can't make any promises, but this should buy you more time.

Lorna, you cared for me when I was ill.

A special bond exists between us.

Dylan, you are an insubordinate young man

and you should treat your father with more respect.

-SLAP!

-Ow. What? Steady on.

Listen to him.

And finally...

Rachel...

I never knew my mom, but in my dreams, she looks like you.

Beautiful and kind.

Soon your body will be butchered by extra-terrestrial lasers,

but our souls shall remain together through Cuckoo.

All right, catch you later.

-LORNA SIGHS

-Well, Ken, I did not expect that.

Yeah. Come on.

OK, guys, let's do this.

# Here comes the galawinga Galawinga, coming for me

# Here comes the galawinga Galawinga, where are you? #

If this is a joke, it isn't funny any more!

Do you want breakfast? I've made bacon and eggs.

OK, I cannot believe this.

Rach, how are you, er, feeling about Dale?

What? Why are you asking me?

I mean, why would I feel any strong emotion about Dale?

You are basing that on absolutely nothing.

Er, it's just your dad and I were thinking of asking him to stay.

What? For good?

At least till he's accustomed to the real world.

No!

It's too hard for me.

Sorry!

You know, Cuckoo's son, by another woman.

You didn't even know Cuckoo when he was 13, Rach.

DALE ON TELEPHONE: OK, thanks for letting me know.

OK, how long would he stay for?

Actually, no, it's a bad idea, he's 21, he's not our responsibility.

All right. Vashradi got arrested, the ashram's been disbanded.

They're saying it WAS a cult.

I'm guessing maybe that's why the aliens never showed last night!

No shit(!)

The basis for my entire existence has been shattered.

Everything I ever believed in turns out to be a lie.

Oh, well, gotta keep smiling.

-Right, Ma?

-Mmm.

-HE GIGGLES

Yeah! Don't call me that.

So where are you going to go?

Guess I'll walk the world, like Dad.

Maybe, one day, I'll find an incredibly special person

like he did when he found you.

OK. Bye-bye.

-BUS HORN TOOTS

-Quite touching that, wasn't it?

-It's really very sweet.

-It made me want to puke!

It's probably best he gets out there in the world...

-CAR HORN BLARES

-..finds his own way.

Yeah. He'll be fine.

HORN BLARES

HORN BLARES

HORN BLARES

Oh, all right, let's go get him.

-Chief Ken.

-Get in the car, you weirdo!

It's weird, isn't it? Just as you've got the snip,

put fatherhood behind you, you sort of become a father again.

Actually, Lorna, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

And I have been meaning to give you your reward.

This is a one-off, OK?

Absolutely never to be repeated.

I should probably tell you this first.

-Let's make love immediately.

-What was it you wanted to say?

Nothing to say, nothing to admit!

Let's do this, I'm good to go here!