Potato Party Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language

KEN: No, no, no!

I don't want to go to Steve and Connie's, why did you agree to that?

-You're supposed to love me.

-Connie's making a pudding.

Don't trick me with Connie's pudding again.

Steve is really looking forward to seeing you.

Don't you want to see your friends?

Steve is not my friend.

I'm seeing MY friends this weekend at the university reunion piss-up.

They're the people I like. Kind of like.

You see more of Steve than you do of all of that lot put together.

I think that's the saddest thing that anyone's ever said.

HE SIGHS

What're you two doing tonight?

Mortgage forms. Woo(!)

Got a meet with an advisor tomorrow, but later we're watching a DVD.

Oh, calm down, Sid and Nancy. Someone's going to get hurt.

Heh...

-Hey, Mom!

-Oh, please don't call me that.

-Check this out.

DING!

HE GIGGLES

I learned a song too.

# Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

# Krishna, Krishna... #

# Rama, rama Hare Rama. #

Meet anyone interesting today?

Yes, I did, Ken. These really super sweet guys.

-Bald-headed guys?

-Yes!

Were they in the shopping centre giving out leaflets?

You know them too?!

The nicest folk I've met since I've been here.

Well, aside from those super-friendly

Jehovah's Witness guys last Wednesday.

Yes. This also happened.

Ken told me I should stop talking to them.

After all, I did just get out of some cult myself.

Not going to dive back into another one any time soon!

Oh, Dale...

What?

No.

Yes.

Are you serious?!

You gotta be kidding me!

Oh, look, it's the Dale-lai Lama!

Dale-lai Lama, Ken.

Here's the woman I married.

Very nice!

Change now.

It's pure bullshit. I mean, if you look at the real data,

they are in fact harmless.

We should all be taking them, all of us.

It's just not politically correct to say so.

Yeah, regardless, I'll have the pate without steroids, please.

All right. I've forgotten which is which now.

The chicken liver. God, Steve!

OK, I'm just trying to change things from the norm.

Like we do in this house, apparently.

Sorry, guys. Steve still gets jealous

about my having a Latin stallion of a lover.

But mostly, the three of us get along just fine.

Isn't that right, Pepe?

So, Dale, how are you settling in?

Oh, great! Everyone's so nice here.

Though, no offence, you do live pretty weird lives.

I mean, you have no discernible leader,

children live with their own parents.

Oh, and purification by fire doesn't even exist here.

-No.

-Oh, and get this.

Every time I find people I actually relate to, Ken says they're a cult.

I think, psychologically speaking,

that leaving this cult has left you searching for an identity.

That's why joining another cult is an easy fix.

Really, Connie, so interesting to hear your wholly unprofessional opinion.

No, no. Hold on, chief Ken.

Connie, you are a wise old woman.

So if this is true, what does it mean? What should I do?

Well, a lot of people find an identity through their work.

What are you good at?

I don't know. I spent 21 years of my life

staying physically and spiritually pure so I can be beamed up to space

-and hang out with sexually curious aliens.

-Nice.

Turns out that's a no-go. So, any other ideas?

Some people follow their father's profession.

Oh, no...

Oh, boom! Potato van.

Oh, my God, Dale, you would love that.

That is such a great idea.

Like following in my father's footsteps.

Think I'm going to go for a piss.

ZOE GIGGLES

DYLAN MUMBLES PLAYFULLY

Dylan, out. Now.

Oi, ten more minutes.

I don't see why. You don't appear to be using the toilet.

Come on, I'm close to a breakthrough here. Man's solidarity.

-Hold it in.

-Out!

-Ken.

-Oh, hello, Zoe!

-You are going to hate the nursing home I stick you in.

-Oh, scared(!)

I must increase my pension contributions.

So, Dad, when are you going to buy me a car for getting into university?

This isn't an American film, Dylan, I'm never going to buy you a car.

If I had money to buy you a car, I'd buy ME a car.

You are so ungrateful. How do you even sleep at night? Jesus.

Er, don't get out here, it's dangerous, Dylan.

Don't want my mates to know you're my dad.

Goodbye, son! Have a nice day, my boy.

Hey, everybody, that's my son!

Dylan Thompson! He loves me, and I love him!

Little prick.

Dylan, it's uncanny. Every time we're about to do it, something interrupts.

Maybe it's the universe's way of saying

-you're meant to stay a virgin.

-Yeah, but I'm not a virgin.

I lost my virginity to an escort on Cuckoo's stag do.

-No-one believes that story.

-What?!

OK, look, listen,

my dad's away at some reunion this weekend, so that means

I've only got to get Mum out the house and she's a soft touch.

She actually trusts me.

What? You can get a free house on Saturday?

Yeah! We're going to do things that shouldn't be allowed.

Why don't you have a massive fuck-off party?

Erm, because I'm not allowed to have a massive fuck-off party.

You get a free house, have a party. It's what people do, Dylan.

Yeah, well, I-I can't.

If you don't, you're dickless.

And I can't have sex with someone who's dickless, it doesn't work.

-Logistically.

-Zoe, wait...

So if, IF I have this party...

..can we have sex at that party?

-Why not? Sure.

-You swear?

Swear.

Get ready. Virgin.

I will!

I mean, I'm not.

I'm tapping that on Saturday night.

Cuckoo?

Oh, hey, Mom.

Please don't call me that.

Um...why are you wearing Cuckoo's clothes?

Oh, I found the stash of them in the van.

Oh, check this out.

His book of potato recipes.

-Cool, huh?

-Yeah.

Mom, for the first time since I left the ashram,

I feel like I finally belong somewhere.

I mean, I have a destiny.

I'm a potato man, just like Dad.

Well, good luck with it.

Hey, wait... Mom.

I have to ask,

am I anything like him?

Oh, Dale, I barely know you.

First impressions, just shoot.

Well, I don't know. Um...

Cuckoo was this free, chaotic spirit

who just made everyone happy.

When you were with him, life was like a party.

And you're more like this loyal dog who does whatever anyone tells you.

All right. No, no, that, um... that makes sense.

Well...

a potato man's work is never done. Got to keep going!

-Bye, Mom.

-Bye...

Bye, Dad. Say hi to your uni mates for me!

Oh, bye, Dylan. Yeah. See you soon, son.

Mum. Where are you going to be on Saturday?

I'm staying in. Stuffing my face.

X Factor and Strictly and no Dad trying to turn it over to BBC Four.

Come on, it's a Saturday night, you should go out.

Nah, don't feel like it.

You know, Dad's away, time for the mouse to play.

Not in a bad way, obviously.

But, I mean, if someone does take your fancy...

Look, I'm just saying I think you should go out

and have a few drinks and be back by two in the morning, no earlier.

What's your angle, Dylan?

OK, look. I want to have a party on Saturday.

There you go! All you needed to do was ask.

-No.

-Mum!

Actually, I'm surprised.

Cos you're that bit cooler than Dad, aren't you?

-I mean, you went to that Hasha thingy.

-The Hacienda.

Yeah, twice.

Me and the girls drove in from Chesterfield.

Viv had this old Ford Sierra...

There you go, fascinating. So, can I have a party?

No, love. I'd say yes but your dad would kill me.

Zoe said she'll have sex with me if I have a party.

Go on...!

Nice, wasn't he? That's why I picked him.

I thought, for a mortgage advisor, this guy is cool.

You're quiet.

Yeah...

Don't know, it's weird, isn't it?

I mean, we're talking about loans for 25 years.

It's older than me!

That's what I love about us, Rach. We balance each other so well.

You've got this wild side that's like, "Let's go to Laos

"and party under the waterfalls." I've got that too, totally.

But there's also this tiny lawyer part of me

that looks at a five-year flat rate below 4% and goes,

"That's kind of thrilling, in a daft sort of way."

THEY LAUGH

Do you think we will ever go to Laos and party under the waterfalls?

Oh, for sure.

But Rach, building a life, there's some dull stuff to be done.

You know, like you've got to eat your main course

before you get pudding.

Why not just eat pudding?

Well, you can, after your main course.

Yeah... But you could just go straight to pudding.

Yeah.

Right. Yeah! Yeah. Yeah...

-Best mum ever. No contest.

-Oh, isn't that nice?

-Oh, please!

-Guess what? Mum says I can have a party on Saturday.

Are you serious? You never let me have a party.

Dylan's going to lose his virginity. About bloody time.

-Oi! I am not a virgin.

-Oh, Dylan, nobody believes that story.

Tell them what they have to do, then.

So I'm heading off to Stratford with Connie,

and I thought, responsible adults...

-Oh, an honour, Lorna.

-Really?!

Sure, yeah, just hang out in your room

and make sure the kids don't get out of hand.

Kids? I'm like three years older than them.

Most of them probably fancied me at school.

No-one fancied you at school, or in fact now.

Er, not true. I do.

So that's one person.

Anyway, we can't on Saturday cos we've got plans.

Big plans. Haven't we, Ben?

Damn right we do. Last four episodes of True Detective.

Actually, Rach, we could just polish them off in your room

while the party rages.

Oh, yeah, didn't think of that. Thanks, Ben(!)

Dale, Dylan's going to have a party.

Oh, great! We had parties on the ashram.

Vashradi would take the special magical powder

and intercourse with the womenfolk all day. It looked like fun.

-Don't get too excited, you're not coming.

-Oh!

What?! He'll do something really weird and ruin it.

-Fair point, I probably would.

-Wait!

All parties need food. People get hungry.

Right. Where's this going?

-Dale, your potato van.

-Mum, no!

Oh, no, tomorrow night? No, no, no, no, I'm not ready.

I haven't practised half the recipes.

You've got to start sometime. You've worked really hard.

-You think?

-Yeah.

OK. I'm there.

Tomorrow, cometh the hour, cometh the potato man.

Thanks, best Mom ever!

Mm! Not as shit as I thought it would be.

It's got a tang.

-Thanks. That's my dad's special sauce.

-Great.

So anyway, Dale, it's really important that you stay away

from the party until the right moment.

OK, got it. When will that be?

I don't know, towards the end, when the party starts winding down,

that's when people will get really hungry.

Oh! I like it, that's clever.

So you sit here for six, seven hours,

and then I'll text you when I need you. Yeah? OK?

Yeah, no problem. On the ashram, during my year in solitary,

I learned to access a trance-like state.

That just makes time fly by.

-Great, use that. Laters.

-Hey, Dale...

You know, I'm kinda nervous about this.

My dad was the best philosophical potato man in all of Litchfield.

I can't help but think, what if I'm not a natural at this?

What if I let your sister down and betray my father's legacy?

And if I'm not a potato man, then...who am I?

I don't give a shit, mate.

MUSIC: "Down The Road" by C2C

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Hi, guys.

What's up, mate? All right?

Enter the pleasure dome!

Get yourself comfy in the bedroom and I'll bring the drinks.

Dylan, I just got here.

-Yeah, you said...

-I'm not going to walk in and shag you straightaway.

Party's still warming up. This way we miss the lame early stages.

Repeat after me, we'll do it when Zoe says we'll do it.

-We'll do it when Zoe says we'll do it.

-Good boy.

Now, Zoe wants a drink.

Ready to rock! I brought a massive bag of Twiglets.

Right...

MUSIC: "Over Your Shoulder" by Chromeo

TV SHOW PLAYS ON LAPTOP

-What was the best party you ever went to?

-Not over the show, Rach.

What was the best party you ever went to?

Well, OK, picture the scene.

Warwick, a murder mystery party, I spotted the killer within the hour.

OK, mine was out in Thailand.

Cuckoo rode us all out to this little teeny, tiny island.

Party was heaving,

and I can remember just being pressed up against him.

And running out into the forest to make love.

Dancing again.

Making love again.

-Sorry, Ben, I totally interrupted you there.

-Oh, yeah.

Erm...after I won the game,

er, we all had an orgy...

..and some heroin.

Did you?

Yeah. Warwick was just that sort of town.

-Up.

-Yeah, you're right, we should probably check on them.

It's a party, why don't we just join in?

-Because we're supervising them.

-We're still young.

We can still show these kids a bit of a thing or two.

Mm!

MUSIC: "No More Serious Faces" by Inpetto

You see the match today?

Yeah, 5-0. You see the first goal?

Punching. Wasn't offside, was it?

I mean, Steve says he wants to be part of the lovemaking,

but most of the time he glowers in the corner eating monkey nuts.

Shells all over the carpet.

Ken likes monkey nuts.

So go on, then, what gossip from you?

Nothing.

-Oh, apart from the obvious.

-The obvious?

Zoe hasn't told you? Tonight's the night.

Night for what?

For Dylan and Zoe, the first time. Doing the thing.

-Connie. What, what the...

-We've got to stop them!

Let's drink to the greatest night of Zoe's life!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "212" by Azealia Banks

Everybody's hungry, Dylan.

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh, boy. Spirit of my father, look down on me.

MUSIC: "Mr Boombastic" by Shaggy

Who is that?

Who here likes jack-at potatoes?

GIRLS GIGGLE AND SCREAM

OK. Yes!

Oh, my God...

Are you Dylan's brother?

No, I am his sister's husband's long-lost son.

Do you want some sauce?

I would love to try your sauce.

THEY GIGGLE

Uh-uh, not mine, my dead father's. There you go.

What's your name?

Er, hi. You want some sauce?

Oh, I'd love some of your sauce.

So good.

Who's next?

Oh, boy.

All right, more, yes? OK. Sauce?

I fell under Steve's sexual fraud at a very early age

and I've never recovered. I can't have that happen to Zoe.

Oh, come on, Connie, it's not like she's a virgin.

She certainly is!

She had sex with Neil. Nina's kid.

Lies, Lorna. She is unmounted.

Now, just be quiet, while I concentrate on protecting

my chaste, high-achieving daughter from your predatory no-hoper son!

Well, I think Dylan's lovely.

MUSIC: "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash

Come on.

-Britain's ultimate lad, mate.

-Yeah?

It said premium lager. But I don't think it was premium.

How did I do, Dad?

You. Dance floor.

What? Me?

It's time. Virgin.

I'm not a vir... Oh... STOMACH GRUMBLES

Just should've read the label.

I mean, that beer was at least 4%.

Yeah.

Don't worry, though, I always get a second wind.

Course you do.

I love you.

MUSIC: "Everyone Nose" by N.E.R.D.

That was super fun.

Whoo! Yeah! OK, I'll see you later.

Take them off, then.

-So you want to see the goods?

-Whatever.

STOMACH GURGLING

Give me a few seconds.

Oh, God, help me now, please help me.

If there is a god, help me now, intercede.

-KNOCKING

-Dylan! Dylan.

-What are you doing in there?

-Er, one second!

-Come on, Dylan.

-Yeah. One sec.

-KNOCKING

-Dylan!

Just open the door, Dylan.

Hey.

There you are.

Yeah. Just, er, making myself look nice, you know,

I want this to be special.

You look weird.

I'm just massively turned on. Er, my room?

Thought we could stay here. Take it slowly.

-Oh, yeah?

-And enjoy the moment.

Yeah, definitely.

RUMBLING, RETCHING

HE RETCHES AND SWALLOWS HARD

Are you ready? Virgin.

STRAINED: Yeah...

I used to go out dancing all the time.

Seems like a lifetime ago.

Well, you had fun tonight.

Yeah.

God, but look at me. 22-year-old widow.

Boring job. Frumpy.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, crap! You're easily the hottest girl at this whole party.

No, you don't have to say that.

It's true, Rachel.

When I saw you on that dance floor, I was just like,

"Oh, my gosh, there's Mom, she's so stunningly beautiful."

It makes me...

I don't know, it makes my heart sink into my toes

and my whole self kind of tingle.

Probably just pride.

Yeah.

Well, congratulations, that special sauce was perfect.

How did you make that?

I didn't have to, there was two bottles of it in the garage.

In the garage?

-Mmm-hmm.

-Dale, those bottles would've been two years old,

there was fish in that sauce.

GROANING

-Oh, God, how many people had that sauce, Dale?

-Only everyone.

-So slave, do you want this?

-Yeah.

Say you want it, slave.

I want it, definitely. Quickly.

No. I'm going to make you wait.

Really? No, please don't.

CAR APPROACHES

Rachel, where's Zoe?

-KNOCKING

-I need to be sick!

-Go away!

-Are you ready?

-Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm so ready, come on.

-HAMMERING ON DOOR

-Zoe, come out of there.

-Mum!

-Get out of there now!

-Carry on, Zoe, please.

-I'll break the door down!

-Zoe, don't stop, don't stop.

OMINOUS, DEEP RUMBLING

-I'm coming in!

-GRUMBLING

Zoe! Are you still...

ENORMOUS FART

-..intact?

-Oh!

ZOE YELPS

-Gross!

-ZOE SCREAMS

No, why, why?! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

No, please, hold it in! Oh, here, do it in this!

Everyone out of the house!

What happened? Why did everyone get sick?

I don't know. Maybe they just drank too much.

Oh!

Oh, they killed me, Lorn. The bastards killed me.

-Did someone have too much booze?

-Oh...

You probably want to get straight to bed, don't you?

Correct.

Have you redecorated in here?

Erm, maybe. Yes.

Just on a whim, I just fancied a change.

So you put up exactly the same wallpaper and carpets as before?

You don't want to deal with this now.

-I don't want to deal with this now.

-You just want to lie down.

I just want to lie down.

-HE SNIFFS

-Did you have fondue?