Tribunal Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language.

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Good morning. Yay, it's sunny outside.

Dale, what are you doing?

I got really cold during the night

and you guys are so warm and snuggly.

Are you...naked?

Yeah, I always sleep naked.

Your penis is on my leg.

Got it.

-DALE GIGGLES

-This has been amazing, Chief Ken.

What was the name of that magical place?

B&Q.

B and Q?

I will never get used to your exotic names and strange customs.

Yes, while we're on that,

in our culture we respect each other's privacy.

Sleep in our own beds.

And we don't put our genitals on people.

Not without being asked.

Understood. Wise counsel, Chief Ken.

You know, you should probably stop calling me that.

Why, Chief Ken?

Actually, whatever. God, I'm hungry.

STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!

What is it?

-Food.

-Dale, I could've killed someone.

I know but you said you were hungry

and they have the world's best kebabs.

Lorna's got me on a diet.

What she doesn't realise is tall people have a very high metabolism.

They've done studies on it and everything.

I bet it's actually dangerous for me to be on a diet.

OK, I'll have one small doner with no chilli sauce.

But just to be clear, Lorna does not need to know about this.

OK.

OK?

Yes, loud and clear.

MUSIC: "My Silver Lining" by First Aid Kit

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Hiya.

Hello.

Do you mind if I turn the music down?

There's something I want to say.

Yeah, of course.

It's about Dale. Actually it's still a bit loud.

-HE TURNS IT DOWN AGAIN

-Erm, yeah, Dale is...

You know what, I'm just going to turn it off. Yeah.

Erm, Rachel, I like Dale,

I think he's a good bloke.

I just worry he's a bit mixed up.

He was brought up in a cult, wasn't he?

Rach, he's obviously got some sort of weird crush on you.

What?! Don't be daft.

Rach, he climbed into your bed,

he follows you around like a dog.

He let you see him in the bath.

-Only once.

-Well, that's once more than I have.

Look, it's not his fault,

he just doesn't know any other girls his own age.

But I'm thinking maybe we should introduce him to someone.

Well, yeah, I mean if you can think of anyone.

What about your friend Natalie? I mean, she's gorgeous.

She is not gorgeous.

What are you talking about? She's stunning. Total knockout.

-When I first saw her...

-Yeah, got it. Stop now.

Anyway, she's just broken up with her boyfriend,

she's on the lookout, why don't you give her a call?

Yeah, why not? It's a great idea, Ben.

-I'm home.

-Shit!

Ken!

-I was just about to get my glad rags on.

-Why?

Drinks at Connie and Steve's. I'm sure I told you.

Forgive my intrusion, Chief Ken. I am entering the room.

-Oh...

-Dale, what you doing?

I'm respecting your privacy.

May I have the screwdriver we got at B and Q today?

I'm going to fix the kitchen lights.

You can open your eyes now, Dale.

And when you're done,

if you're hungry there's some lasagne in the fridge.

Thank you but I'm OK,

me and Ken had a triple shawarma with everything.

Onions, chilli sauce, huge bag of fries.

I couldn't finish mine but old hollow legs over here, he had 'em both.

-Ken, you didn't have a kebab?

-No.

-Two of 'em.

-You're supposed to be on a diet!

You looked me in the eye and promised me you'd eat healthily.

-I had salad with it.

-And a Snickers.

Dale, stop talking!

Well, I have to say, I am very disappointed.

Lorn. Lorn!

Thank you.

-Hah, you blinked.

-What?

-We're having a staring contest, right?

-No!

I'm waiting for you to explain to me why you told Lorna about the kebab.

Oh, she asked if I was hungry.

look, I know your upbringing was slightly unusual,

-but you must have had to lie before.

-No way, Chief Ken.

I was taught that lying makes your nuts fall off.

That's why I never lied, look.

Uh, look, I believe you.

I'm not saying lying is good,

I just think sometimes it's necessary.

Like...like when Lorna asks me whether

Dylan will be able to get a job with his media studies degree,

I say yes.

What I mean of course is no, he'll be living with us till he's 60.

But I lie so that she doesn't worry.

OK, OK, I got it. This is a white lie.

Right.

-Like with your sheepskin coat.

-What?

Lorn hid your coat in the garage but said I shouldn't tell you

because if you found out you'd be, like, super unhappy.

This is outrageous!

Wow. She was right.

What?

Oh, the coat?

You'll never guess where I found it.

Go on, guess.

Dylan's room?

No, in the garage.

In a bin bag labelled "Stuff for Oxfam"

in your handwriting.

So I hate the coat.

Doesn't make me a bad person, Ken.

No, it's lying that makes you a bad person.

You can talk, Mr Two Kebabs.

OK.

Let's just agree to be more honest with each other from now on, OK?

OK.

I broke your Pilates DVD.

I got a parking ticket last week.

When you were at your book group I ate a whole slab of Stilton.

-Wow.

-I know.

Speaking of books,

you know that one you tried to write about town planning?

That was rubbish.

-Yeah, you never lied about that, you told me before, twice.

-Oh, yeah.

Anyway, from now on, let's agree on no more secrets.

-OK, deal.

-Deal.

-So, what do you make of this, Lorn?

-Lovely.

I don't know much about wine but...

it's very fruity and also...red?!

It's from southern Chile. It's typically South American -

full-bodied, passionate, dangerous.

It's also work shy,

with no sense of personal hygiene.

KEN: So, Steve, how's work?

It's a living hell, just like my personal life.

Thanks for asking.

I had hoped Steve would cope with our new arrangement like an adult.

If not for my sake then for the children.

Good job we only had two.

I wanted more, but Connie's womb dried up like a cactus.

CONNIE: It takes two to conceive.

Perhaps there was something wrong at your end.

Nothing wrong with my sperm.

Men like me and Ken are part of the 500,000,000 club.

Am I right?

-KEN: Don't do that.

-Oops! Bad example there,

Ken's had a vasectomy.

So, Connie, tell me about this wine.

When did he have the snip?

-Well, you should know, you dirt brain. You did the operation!

-Yes!

HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, must've forgotten.

So many scrota.

They all blur in to one

massive, amorphous ball-sack!

Well can I just say, you did a fantastic job?

You can't even see a scar.

Almost like it had never been done(!)

Well, what a lovely evening. We must go now, though.

I'll bring the car round the front shall I, Lorn?

Seriously though, it was lovely. Cheers. Mm!

You said that's fruity, that's dry!

Dale, can we have a word?

Huh? Yeah, sure. Just don't hit that light switch over there.

Is this safe?

Totally.

So erm, there's this friend of mine called Natalie.

Who is stunning. Easily the best-looking girl that I know.

Well, that either of us know.

Anyway, we thought it might be quite nice if the four of us had dinner.

Plus she's single so... Oh, my God!

A-are you trying to set me up?

-Oh, is that OK?

-Cos, I mean if it makes you feel uncomfortable then...

No. No, it's fine.

It's just on the ashram, they taught us to wait for The One.

Probably don't mention the whole alien bride thing to Natalie.

-She might...

-Get jealous. That's a good point.

Here, can you erm, can you hold that for me?

Put the lights on, you losers!

SHE SCREAMS

Ha-ha! Twat!

Oh, boy.

Bloody hell!

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when first we'd lie about having a vasectomy.

It wasn't a lie.

It was a temporary departure from the truth.

So you're going to tell Lorna, are you?

I just need to find the right time, that's all.

Until I do, please don't say anything!

Ken, my friend,

I will do you this favour, but one day,

and that day may never come, I will call on you for a favour in return.

-I need a favour.

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

-What's that?

-That is what happens when the nanny state

and political correctness get drunk on power and have a bastard.

Could you be a little more specific?

I've been accused of gross medical negligence.

They're taking me to a tribunal.

Well, that is a shame. But, not my area, I'm afraid.

You'll have to find someone who specialises in medical malpractice.

To be honest, Ken, you're not the first lawyer I've seen.

But you are the only lawyer that is scared I'm going to tell his wife

a secret, so that makes you Kavanagh QC in my book.

It says here you left a foreign object inside a patient

during an operation.

It was a pair of cuff links. One pair!

I am not apologising for the way I dress.

It's still a very serious accusation. Is it true?

How do I know? I was drunk.

Well, look. Ethically speaking, I shouldn't be representing a friend.

Ethically speaking, you shouldn't be lying to your wife.

Look, this isn't blackmail.

If you don't want to take the case, just say.

-I don't want to take the case.

-And that's fine.

But I will be telling Lorna about your fully-functioning gonads.

And how is that not blackmail?

Oh, you're good.

You are good.

Why's the door open? It's freezing.

Ken, you're back early. I thought you said you were working late.

I thought I'd do some work from home.

-You've been smoking dope!

-No, I haven't.

It smells like Peter Tosh's tracksuit in here, Lorn.

Don't worry, everyone's out.

The smell usually goes.

-How long have you been doing this?

-Once a week since Cuckoo left.

-Lorna!

-It's no big deal. I used to do it pretty much every day at uni.

After everything we've said about being honest with each other.

Come on, it'll help you relax.

You remember what happened last time I took drugs.

Ken, you're at home with your wife. What's the worst that can happen?

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

Why are you proud of me?

I can't remember but I definitely am.

Steve!

-Steve! I'm proud of you for defending Steve.

-Mm?

Connie said that no-one could get him off,

but you took the case anyway!

Can we talk about something else?

I don't want to talk about that goblin.

He's been under a lot of pressure, Ken.

You hear of these doctors being forced to work 5,000 hours a week

and they crack up.

Oh! Brilliant.

Yeah.

We should blame the hospital for Steve being so mental!

Yes!

Got to write this down.

What are you doing?

I don't know!

But it's definitely important.

Mm. Mm.

This is amazing.

-Amazing.

-Mm.

Give us a kiss.

THEY GIGGLE

Nice cheese.

Do you think I'm fat?

No! Think you're perfect!

I think you're perfect.

I'm so proud of you.

Is it because of the cheese?

No, it was because of something else.

-BOTH:

-Steve!

Steve.

According to his file,

Steve has had two written warnings in the past month.

One for parking in a disabled space

and the other for kissing someone...

Right. Well, that's not too bad.

..who was in a coma.

Ah, the nutter!

Well, we knew he was insane.

But I think I may have found a way of using that to our advantage.

I'm going to call the hospital lawyers in for a meeting.

If we can convince them that Steve is overworked

then maybe we can avoid the tribunal altogether.

It's a long shot, but I think it's the best chance we've got.

Ken, you're a bloody genius!

-Well...

-Thanks to you, Steve will soon be free to practise again

even though he's a drunken, incompetent fool!

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Rach, I've not seen you for ages!

The last time was my non-hen night, I think.

Yeah! That was fun.

I'm so glad you thought so.

But some people thought it was a bit weird,

going through with it after Toby called off the wedding,

but, er, my take is, I'm worth it and he's a lying shit! Ha-ha!

Yeah. Erm, Dale here's quite the sportsman.

He does martial arts and mountain biking and all sorts,

don't you, Dale?

Yes.

I imagine you've got some pretty interesting stories about that.

Yes.

SHE GIGGLES

-Can I have a word with you in the kitchen?

-Yeah.

Excuse us.

I...like your face.

(God, this is a car crash! I told you she wasn't his type.)

She's not that bad.

Are you kidding? She's doing my head in!

(Rachel, calm down.)

Oh, my goodness. She is amazing!

I mean, I've never met anybody like her before in my life.

Also, she's finished the wine.

Oh!

More wine, Natalie?

Fill me up to the top! Ha-ha!

Keep going.

Yeah.

Oh! So...mystery man.

Firstly, I don't know much about you. Who are you?

Well, my name is Dale.

SHE GIGGLES

Rachel never told me you were so funny! Or cute.

Oh, boy.

-Natalie, you're embarrassing him.

-I just said he was cute.

It's not like I said he was gorgeous, which you are, by the way.

Uh-huh.

Where I grew up, you weren't allowed to touch a woman.

We were taught to stay pure for The One.

A soul mate

could look in to your heart and see what's inside.

That is so beautiful!

I mean, literally, she had X-ray vision on every tentacle.

Ooh!

I really think I should call you a cab.

-(It's getting late.)

-Maybe Dale could walk her home?

SHE COUGHS

HE GASPS

Tell me more about this place you grew up.

Erm, well, there were plenty of crazy things

but also, you know, a lot of beautiful things as well.

Like, we had this friendship ritual we'd do when new people arrive.

But sometimes we would just do it to honour a special person.

I would love to see your friendship ritual.

OK.

I haven't done it in a long time

but I think I could probably remember it.

Friend.

Take my trust.

Friend.

Take my love.

Friend.

Take my blood.

SHE SCREAMS

My God! Dale!

HE MOANS

SHE CHUCKLES

Shit!

Oh, he's been gone ages. Why isn't he back yet?

Have I got it all off?

There's a bit there.

SHE SIGHS

-What time's your meeting?

-Not for a couple of hours.

Want to get there early, go through this plan with Steve.

If I get this right they'll drop the charges.

Look at you, Rumpole of the Bailey.

Or should I say, Rumpy Pumpy of the Bailey?

Get off, I'm trying to read.

Lorna, get your hands on the wheel.

Sorry!

-SIREN WAILS

-Oh, bugger.

Oh, great. Just great.

Come on then, pull over.

SIREN WAILS

-Lorn, pull over.

-I'm not sure that's a good idea.

-What do you mean?

-Don't get angry.

But there's a small possibility I may have left

the dope in my coat pocket.

How much of a small possibility?

About...100%

Oh, for fuck's sake.

-Window, Lorna.

-Oh.

Sorry, Officer, momentary lapse in concentration. My wife...

Madam, are you aware why I've pulled you over this morning?

OK, I hate to do this, but I'm actually a solicitor, so...

Sir, when I lower my fingers, you may speak.

-Yeah, but I just think this is relevant.

-Sir, can you see

-the fingers are still raised?

-Yes.

Are you aware why I've pulled you over?

Madam, will you please exit the vehicle?

Why?

Did you just pass an item to the gentleman?

-No.

-Right, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to exit the vehicle

-and turn out your pockets.

-Oh, this is perfect. Well done.

Sir, I will not ask you again!

Oh, Christ, Ken.

Three points on my licence. Could've been worse.

It could've been a lot worse. Why the hell did you pass it to me?

Ken, it worked out fine. How are you feeling?

Fine, actually. I don't think it has the same effect when you eat it.

Just tell Steve you're not feeling well, he'll understand.

He really won't. I'm fine, love. You go on.

Where have you been?

No time to explain, we need to find Steve and talk him through our strategy.

I'm not sure there's time. What's up with your eyes?

Nothing, I'm fine. Go back to bed.

Charles wants to sit in on the meeting.

-Prince Charles?

-Charles our senior partner.

-Yeah, OK, that does make more sense.

-Here he is - the rain maker.

Ben's just been filling me in on your case.

Sounds as though you've got something remarkable up your sleeve.

I took the liberty, Ken. It is pretty special.

You don't mind me sitting in, do you?

Good idea, we don't want Ken backing out, do we?

HE LAUGHS FORCEDLY

Erm, you know, breaking in to the medical market would be

absolutely fantastic for the firm.

Now, you get a good result here and, well, let's just say when the choice

for who becomes senior partner will be a fucking packet easier.

Ken?

I won't let you down, Charles.

Mr Thompson, my name is Helen Williams, I'm chief operating

officer of the Lichfield NHS Trust.

With me are Michael Levine from our legal department

and Susan Daniels, head of HR.

And we are all silent.

-Why are they staring at me?

-They're waiting for you to speak.

-Why?

-Are you all right, Ken?

Could we just have five minutes?

Oh, no, my hands, my hands!

They're not shrinking. They are not shrinking!

-Ken, you're acting fairly strangely.

-My hands are growing, Ben.

How am I supposed to eat chicken with hands this big?

Ken, I think I should take over the case.

You want my job.

You want to impress Prince Charles and become king.

No way, Mister. NO WAY!

You know I do.

Mr Thompson, is there somewhere private we can talk?

Oh...

It's, erm...

It's safe over here.

The last thing the hospital needs is bad press and a huge lawsuit.

So we'd like to settle this matter quickly and quietly.

If your client resigns, then we can keep this

incident off the record, and avoid going to trial.

Mr Chance is a very volatile individual, but if you can

persuade him to accept our offer then he can find a job elsewhere.

He's not going to like this.

What do you think?

What the fuck is...? Is that an eagle?

No, it's a kestrel, you dick.

Erm, it's clear that Mr Thompson's not feeling too well, er,

perhaps I should take over at this moment.

No, Charles. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry to interrupt but I must be heard

and I must be heard quickly and quietly.

Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly.

-Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly...

-Right, let's see.

..quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly.

-Lorna...

-My client is insane.

And you want to know why?

Because you've been making him work too hard.

That's just ridiculous.

-Have you checked what hours she's been working?

-She?

Answer the question. Have you checked how many

hours my client has been working for your hospital trust?

We don't have that information to hand.

No, you don't, but I do. In my office.

Benjamin, the door, please.

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, hey, Mum.

Didn't hear you come home last night.

No, I stayed the night at Natalie's.

Anything you want to tell me?

Oh, yeah, I fixed the lights.

Anything else?

I found some super-smelly cheese in Ken's bedroom.

It, er...

Dale, er, what happened with you and Natalie last night?

Oh, OK. We went to hers.

-Mm.

-And I was kinda tired, so she said I could sleep in her bed.

But I said, "No, thanks,"

-because I know that's frowned upon in your culture.

-Yes.

But then she got angry, and asked if I wanted intercourse or not.

Oh, and, and did you?

Oh, boy. I mean she's really pretty and all...

She's not that pretty.

Nothing happened.

I guess she just wasn't The One.

-Oh, hello.

-Yeah.

-High-five.

-Thanks.

Then Charles took over, Steve got a month's suspension on full pay.

Well, that's good.

He was so pleased he wanted to take you on holiday to say thanks.

The Swansea & Neath Judo Festival.

He said he was making you an offer you couldn't refuse,

then he winked and walked out.

Then he came back in and explained

how you'd lied about having a vasectomy.

-You're not going to tell Lorna, are you?

-No, of course not.

Although there is a little something I'd like in return.

Go on, name your price.

Your hole punch, the one with the option for A3 settings.

-Oh, no. No, I use that all the time.

-Oh.

OK then, I, I'm sorry, that was completely

inappropriate of me, forget I mentioned it.

-What?

-I can't stop thinking about the incident with the hole punch,

-I'm mortified.

-Just get out.

Oh...

PHONE BEEPS Shefali. I'm sorry about this -

you're going to have to book me another vasectomy.