Funeral Cuckoo

Mom. Mom!

-I have another question, Mom.

-Dale, we're just here.

Oh. I have another question about Dad's book.

Here Cuckoo's written this phrase, "Words are walls"

and then right next to it he's drawn a picture of a smiling monkey. Why?

-Well...

-I mean, there must be a connection.

HE SNIGGERS

Probably something very deep. Very clever bloke.

Anyone coming into town?

I'd love to, but Rach and I are planning our trip. Dirty weekend.

-That's my daughter.

-I know, Ken. Felt wrong as soon as I said it.

I'm staying right here until I master Dad's book.

Hey, Mom, this page is blank, do I read it anyway?

What about you, Dale, fancy a trip into town?

-Can I ride with my head out the window?

-Yes, but not in traffic.

Yes!

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

No offence to your father, Dale, but these are real books.

Thousands of years of human knowledge all bound in dusty leather jackets.

I never knew the world has this many books.

And we only had a small library on the ashram,

all written by my leader, Vashradi.

-Oh, yeah? He was an author, too, was he?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

He wrote some great ones -

the Dictionary, the Bible,

-Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace - my favourite.

-Yeah. Good going.

HE GASPS

Oh, my God.

Wowee.

Edmund Burke's Vindication Of Natural Society.

-Excuse me, is this a first edition?

-You know your books.

This is the sort of book you can build a collection on.

Oh, Christ! Oh, I shouldn't.

I really shouldn't.

-If you just pop your PIN in there, sir.

-If you think about it,

it's an investment, isn't it?

BELL JINGLES

Excuse me, I gather that you have an Edmund Burke first edition?

-I'm sorry, I just sold it.

-Yes, I'm a collector.

Ken Thompson.

-Well, fuck me.

-Dr Rafferty. Wow.

I didn't think I'd ever have to see you again -

I mean, GET to see you again.

Likewise, completely likewise.

-Who's your friend?

-This is Dale, my daughter's late husband's son.

Dale, Dr Rafferty used to be my history lecturer at college.

Oh, wow, you actually taught chief Ken?

You must be the wisest man in the world.

The only thing that I know is that I know nothing.

HE LAUGHS

-That is freaking deep.

-Amusing boy.

So, Ken, you've bought the book.

I'm surprised to see you still pursuing the history.

The last I heard, you were plugging away as a solicitor.

Yes, I'm a successful solicitor,

with an Edmund Burke first edition in mint condition. Well, see you.

Er, Ken, reading Burke in first edition

has been a life-time ambition for me.

Well, best of luck finding one. I hear they're very hard to come by.

Well, I would try to find one for myself

but time isn't exactly on my side.

-You...

-Let's just say that if you were to lend me that book

it wouldn't be for longer than six months.

Wow, six months? You can read a book that fast?

Ken, I got a great idea.

You should lend Dr Rafferty your copy.

Er, no, no, Dale, I'm sure that's not what Dr Rafferty was suggesting.

Ken, that would be wonderful. If you were to lend me that book,

you would make one of my last earthly wishes come true.

You could make his wishes come true.

Who wouldn't want to do that?

Only a complete arsehole.

You've made an old man very happy.

You annoy me sometimes, you know that?

He's had it two weeks, Lorn, that's more than enough time.

Did I ever tell you about the time

-that he marked my second year coursework down to a 2/2?

-Oh, yes.

It's one of my favourite stories. But you didn't let it stop you

doing the right thing. I'm proud of you, Ken.

He's a professor, he could finish a book in an afternoon.

I bet he's lying about his illness, I wouldn't put that past him.

Calm down, Ken, it's just a book.

-It's an expensive book.

-Really? How much?

-£80.

-80 quid? Jeez, Ken.

Well, I hope it's a hardback.

I'm bloody ringing him, and if he tries bluffing me,

he'll wish he was dead sooner.

He's dead?

-WOMAN:

-'Sooner than expected. Sorry.'

No, no, no. He said he had six months.

'Well, that was optimistic. We were hoping for six weeks, but...'

WHISPERING: Six weeks. Lying bastard.

-'Sorry?'

-No, I'm sorry.

That is terrible. And inconvenient.

'Well, if you wish to pay your respects there's a ceremony

-'at the house tomorrow. We'll be spreading the ashes.'

-Yeah, maybe.

Thing is, before he so tragically passed,

-I sort of lent him this book.

-'A book?'

Yeah, and it was an Edmund Burke first edition so, you know...

LINE DISCONNECTS

Hello? Hello?

Honestly!

And you know it's ready when how good it tastes overpowers

the guilt you feel for killing the cow.

Not quite.

Well, terrible news, Lorn.

I've just spoken to Rafferty's niece - he's only dead.

-Oh, dear.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Not unexpected, though, was it?

-There's a service tomorrow.

-I think I'll go.

-OK.

-Ken, I thought you hated him.

-It's a sort of love-hate thing.

Turns out I'm really upset about all this.

I'll go and pay my respects.

-You are not going to that funeral to get your book back.

-Lorna!

That is a dreadful thing - offensive, actually.

Not as offensive as pretending to be sad so you can go to a funeral

and filch your book.

HE GASPS

-I miss him.

-Yesterday you called him Dr Dickhead.

Rafferty is dead, Lorna.

-Dale!

-I'm sorry.

I-I'm, I'm so sorry, I-I'll clean this right up.

I just... I thought I heard you say that Dr Rafferty had died.

Yeah, I did say that. He's dead.

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, Dale, what's wrong?

How can the world be so cruel?

Dr Rafferty! Why?!

Oh, come on, you only met him for five minutes.

I've had longer relationships with a Cornish pasty.

You barely knew him, Dale.

And now I never will. He's dead, Ken.

And I'll never get to see daddy Rafferty ever again.

Ever!

Oh, something deeper going on there.

This is something we psychologists call transference.

Don't remember you qualifying as a psychologist, Connie.

I did a two-day course. It's as much intuition as it is learning.

This stranger's death has triggered all Dale's sublimated grief

-for his father, Cuckoo.

-Oh, how perceptive(!) What was the clue?

Was it him shouting "daddy" and running off in tears?

Emotions are powerful things, Ken.

And if they're not dealt with at the right time,

-they can come back and haunt you.

-Say, 25 years into your marriage

-when you end up transferring bedrooms?

-Ken.

I'd say Dale needs to go to Dr Rafferty's funeral.

Deal with his grief head-on.

And most of all, he needs the support of his family.

That is actually quite insightful analysis, Connie.

Yeah, and that's why we should ALL go to the funeral.

For Dale.

Why couldn't you just leave me at home, like normal parents?

Because you're supporting your step-nephew.

Yes, besides, the last time you were home alone burglars broke in

and stole only vodka and beer and left a used condom in my office.

Which is why I should be there to guard the house.

I'm supposed to be seeing Zoe this weekend.

I'm sure your relationship can survive 24 hours.

Dale, you look smart, love.

I wanted to get it right.

Shamus was always so well put together.

Always?

Well, every time I met him.

Ken, do you think Shamus is a ghost

and is haunting us right now?

Well, Dale, if Dr Rafferty now exists as a ghost

I'd say he's probably with his family, instead of an ex-student

and a guy he met once for five minutes in a shop.

-DYLAN:

-Sorry, babe, I'm not going to make it.

-I don't know if I can do this.

-We're all here for you.

But I'm not strong like Ken, Lorna. I mean, look at him.

It's like he's not feeling any pain at all.

Oh, I'm hurting, Dale, I'm just British. Dylan, get off the phone,

you're supposed to be in mourning.

Yeah, yeah, but it's not like our relationship

can't survive 24 hours, eh?

OK, fine!

Zoe's gone and said we're not exclusive this weekend.

-Really? Oh, that's a risky play.

-Yeah, thanks, Mum.

Now she's at Charlotte Brown's pool party and I'm stuck here

at a funeral for some old dead twat.

Dylan, be quiet. Can't call my professor some old dead twat.

Hi. Sorry for your loss.

Thank you. Who are you?

My name's Ken Thompson. This is my family.

Oh, boy, that's him.

That's him in that tiny little jar.

HE WHIMPERS

It hurts so bad. So bad!

Why did he have to leave me? Why?!

HE SOBS

Oh, you poor thing.

-You're his new American friend, aren't you?

-Yes, that's me.

-I thought as much. He talked a lot about you.

-Did he?

-Yes, especially towards the end.

-Oh!

You are very welcome here.

-Would you like to meet the family?

-I would love to.

-Come on.

What is going on with them and Dale?

Well, they're Quakers, aren't they? You know, progressive, huggy, huggy.

Inclusive.

We're going to have to sing?

You're going to have to be respectful, Dylan, yes.

Yes, Dylan, this is a funeral. There is such a thing as putting

other people's wishes before your own, you know.

Now, I'm going to enquire about my book.

Oh, you're not still going on about that?

-It cost me £100, Lorna.

-I thought you said 80?

Yes, 80, I was rounding up.

At least you can say he led a full life.

Oh, yes. Mm.

-Does feel that we've lost a real gem of a guy, doesn't it?

-Yes.

-Feels like a light's gone out in the world.

-It has.

He was such an inspiration to me at college, you know.

-I mean, to all of us.

-Was he?

-Oh, gosh, yes.

Such an intelligent man, nose always in a book.

Just think of all those books he had.

I mean, where did he keep those books?

-In his private study.

-Oh, gosh...

I couldn't have a look at them, could I? Just for old time's sake.

I dunno, I guess it would just be my way of saying goodbye.

None of us have been in there since he died.

Actually it...it is where he passed.

Oh, so fitting.

I mean, I'm talking a minute max.

Right then, you mean old bastard, where is it?

You're the only one of his former students who came.

Is that how Shamus met your American friend, through you?

Yes.

-Are you all right?

-I'm sorry.

-It's been a hell of a couple of days, you know.

-Yeah.

I-I actually had someone phoning up trying to steal

one of his most expensive books.

Oh, my God, how terrible.

And, this book,

it was your uncle's, was it?

Because, you know, collectors, they borrow, they...they lend.

It was you, wasn't it? You're the man who phoned.

-Oh, no. Not me.

-And now you're here.

You're trying to steal from Shamus at his own funeral.

That is a terrible accusation.

I know this has been a very difficult time for you, yeah?

-What's your name?

-Sandra.

Sandra, I would never steal from your uncle,

-certainly not in the legal sense.

-I'm sorry.

I just know that Shamus would've wanted me to protect his collection.

Oh, there, there, there, let it out. Let it out.

Sh, this is bound to happen, eh?

Yeah, that's right. There, there.

Oh, hey.

Better, yeah?

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

Get it in!

"History of Genocide"? No. No.

Not now, Ken.

-Dylan, do you have to be so mopey?

-It's a funeral, Mum.

And I'm supposed to be at a pool party

where Zoe's probably boning all my mates. Fucking Judases.

Oh, I'd have thought an 18-year-old boy would love a free pass.

Yeah, who am I going to hit on, Mum? Have you seen the talent in here?

There's not even any MILFS.

Not saying you should hit on anyone, just saying.

There's a lovely girl over there, why don't you go and talk to her?

Go on.

So, pretty boring all this religious stuff, eh?

I'm used to it. My family's devout. I've been in the church since birth.

-Er, so what's your name?

-Chastity.

Where did you hide it, old man?

Mine!

So sorry for your loss.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Aunt Mary, I'm so happy to finally meet you.

But at the same time, it really bums me out because you're so old

and probably going to die soon, too.

Oh, well, maybe that's one way of looking at it.

Mmm, there's no maybe about it.

I mean, I just met you but one day, tomorrow, perhaps today,

you're going to be in that little jar, too.

All your memories, hopes and dreams gone forever.

You, too, probably. I mean, in fact, all of us but you guys first.

It's OK, though.

Oh, my goodness, your skin is like...tissue paper.

I'm going to let go before I tear you.

It's like I'm watching you die in front of my eyes.

I suppose the important thing is that you lead a full life.

But did you? Did you achieve everything you wanted?

Because it's too late now.

You can't sky dive, your bones would break.

And not even from the landing, just from putting on the harness.

I know, right? It's super sad.

So you've met Dr Rafferty's special friend?

-You know, the American one.

-Oh.

Yes, Dr Rafferty and I only knew each other a short while.

But he touched me in a very special way.

Oh. Right.

I was wondering if we could get your take on the order of service

because you knew a different side to him than us.

-That would be an honour.

-Come on.

-OK.

-Excuse me.

-Hello.

-What is it they call them these days?

-Sorry, who?

You know...

woofters.

So, I'm just saying that if God is cruel enough

to take your great uncle away from you,

then maybe you shouldn't be obeying his laws.

Yeah, but, Dylan, it's because we don't understand God

that we have to have faith that He has a plan for us.

Yeah, there's that,

but maybe God's plan was for you to meet me at this funeral.

Because, I mean, he is pretty clever when it comes to things like that,

you know, being God, so in a way,

if you don't cop off with me you are kind of disobeying Jesus.

What I didn't know at the time was that grapes can be lethal to dogs.

Lorna. Quick word.

-I'm in the middle of something.

-Now.

-We've got - Dylan, what the hell are you doing?

-Mum's idea.

-Was it?

-Dylan, at least try to be a little more discreet.

Come on.

-We've got a bit of a problem.

-Go on.

It turns out that the family think that Dale is Rafferty's gay lover.

-What?

-Seriously, I've just had a detailed monologue from Aunt Alice

about Rafferty's recent habit of Skyping an unusually young American.

Explains why they're being so nice to him.

It's sweet that they're being so welcoming.

Dylan, I said more discreet.

Let's get going before it gets out of hand.

Also, I took my book out of Sandra's bag.

-So I want to get going before she finds out.

-You stole it?

Legally you can't steal your own property.

Ken, it will look like stealing. Give it back and buy another one.

-It's a very expensive book.

-Oh come on, £100? You can afford it.

-It was £500.

-Bloody hell, Ken!

Sh!

Sorry. Sorry.

Let's just find Dale and get out of here.

It's so lovely to get to know you.

-Is there anything you want to ask about my uncle?

-Yes, actually.

Do you think he'll come back as a ghost and haunt us?

Oh...

Cos I would love that.

Hi. We're going to have to get going.

-Before the service?

-Yeah, it's a strange one

but traffic's a killer on the M6 and we're not using the toll.

-Come along, Dale.

-Actually, Ken, I can't leave.

-I'm a part of the service.

-Really?

We thought it'd be nice for Dale to make a little contribution.

Oh, Dale, I don't think you should do that.

I think instead, we should leave immediately.

Ken, I'm surprised. I thought you would want to stay for the ceremony.

Or did you find the book already?

Book? What book?

We're here to pay our respects to Dr Rafferty, that's all.

-But you...

-No, I didn't, Dale.

Grief has clearly addled your mind.

Can you take your seats? We're ready to start now.

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all. #

Please, be seated.

We all remember Shamus as a great man.

Kind, loving, above all generous.

He wasn't generous when he marked my coursework down.

There is someone here who knew him in a different way

to the rest of us, and the family would like to invite him now

to read a short but immensely uplifting passage from the book

that Dr Rafferty was reading when he died.

Oh, shit.

"Clouds of acrid smoke that smelled of burning human flesh

"rose above the Khmer Rouge labour camps,

"sometimes forming a poisonous rain which covered the starving workers

"and the remains of their families.

"Over three million Cambodians were tortured and executed.

"The mass graves were over filled,

"mutilated limbs protruded from the soil,

"causing diseases such as typhoid, cholera and plague.

"In the north there were reports

"that some soldiers raped the corpses." Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

OK, let's go.

So perhaps now it's time for the Quaker tradition of open worship.

If you feel moved to share thoughts of the deceased, please stand,

just say whatever you feel needs to be said.

I'll always remember his Christmas cards.

And the little lines of poetry he chose for everyone.

I'll remember that open box of Maltesers he always had on his desk.

Such a kind man.

Yes, I would just like to say that my uncle was a good man,

and a forgiving man, so if there is a person here today who sneaked in

under false pretences in order, perhaps, to steal from a dead man,

then I hope we can all follow my uncle's footsteps and forgive him.

And hope he can forgive himself, frankly.

Please don't.

I would like to second what Sandra said.

But add that Dr Rafferty would never judge until he knew the full picture,

who thought what, who said what,

who OWNED what.

Just in case he were to make a bit of a tit of himself.

My uncle had a great sense of justice,

and if he did do wrong, he didn't try and worm his way out of it.

Oh, yes, but if he was wrongly accused I think he would've had

the admirable sense to defend himself, for does the Bible not say,

"Call not someone a thief who has a valid receipt at home"?

Blasphemy!

I remember Shamus taking me on holiday one summer to Cornwall.

What's that in your jacket? A book?

Oh, come on, now, what is this?

Sandra, I'm not entirely sure this is the right time...

That book is Edmund Burke's Vindication Of Natural Society

and he stole it out of my bag.

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

This is my book. I lent it to Rafferty

and he didn't give it back because he was jealous that I bought it first.

-He's lying!

-It is, and it cost me £1,000.

£1,000? Ken!

I want you and all your wretched family out.

Guys, this is not what daddy Rafferty would've wanted.

Please calm down and listen to Shamus' lover.

Erm, I was Shamus' lover.

Then who's this?

I think there's been another misunderstanding.

What's wrong with you people?

Sandra, how about we go and scatter the ashes in the rose garden?

I know how this all looks. But my family are not bad people.

Yes, such a lovely man...

Chastity!

Mum, I...

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Best funeral ever.

Much better than Granny's.