Ken at Work Cuckoo

New Thai place just opened. Do you want to try it?

On a Thursday, Rach? iPlayer and pizza night?

-Sort of a THING.

-But they've got coconut tempura shrimp.

Mm... Shrimps spell danger.

They might not have taken the little black bit out.

How about chicken pandang?

You like chicken.

I do, but define pandang?

Something you haven't tried before.

Aren't you even curious?

Are you all right, Rach?

Yes, I just wish you'd be a bit more spontaneous sometimes.

OK.

We'll have the Thai.

Hey, Mom.

Cool, er, what do you want?

Ooh, great, they do a burger.

This programme contains some strong language

and some scenes of a sexual nature.

Oi, relax.

-You're a bloody shoo-in...

-Do you think?

..as long as Charles is in a good mood.

-SHOUTS:

-Yah!

Yah, it's happened again!

No more medium-tipped gel pens!

What in hell's piss is going on, eh?

Who's doing this? Who is doing this?

Ah, hello, Ken.

Morning, Charles.

Is it really that difficult

to provide me with the requisite fibre tips?!

Bloody Nora!

Oh, go on, Ken, in you go, in you go.

Well, as you know, this will be my final year as senior partner.

Oh, but, Charles, you're still so young and dynamic.

No, no, no, Ken. Time to give somebody else a chance.

Now, as outgoing senior partner, I'm expected to nominate my successor.

Is that how it works? I can't say I've ever thought about it.

Of course not, Ken.

-But, that being said, you are the obvious choice.

-Oh!

A good lawyer, never going to set the world alight, of course,

-but, er, a relatively safe pair of hands.

-Ah.

So, what do you say. Do you accept my nomination?

-Charles, I would be honoured.

-Excellent.

So it will either be you or Jane.

Jane?

Jane's only been partner for a year.

She's very talented. Very popular.

Besides, you're the one that's always banging on to me

about diversity in the workplace.

Female black senior partner.

Could be a clever move.

Right, but, also remember,

diversity at the top can cause complacency.

So, somewhat counter-intuitively,

often the best diversity candidate is a white middle aged man.

Well, I hear you,

but you know what this office needs is the modern thrust.

There are far too many people of our generation at the top

who don't know our hard drives from our floppy discs.

You say our generation.

I am, of course, 25 years younger than you.

Come on, Ken, we're just a couple of old dinosaurs. No shame in it.

I'm very modern.

I'm on Twitter.

I follow Holly Willoughby.

Hello, Ken. Looks like I'm in after you.

Ah, Jane, hope you have a really super meeting.

This is my last chance to make senior partner.

If he nominates Jane, she'll be there till I retire.

Is this senior partner chief at your work, Ken?

That's right.

-Good boy.

-I don't know if this applies

but when Vashradi fought to leave our ashram, he challenged

his opponent to swallow hot coals to prove his divinity.

The opponent died.

Wow, and Vashradi survived?

He would have but the other guy was dead and it was getting late.

When you think about it, I'm the obvious choice.

I know the company inside out. I know who the dead wood is.

I know who needs to be moved up.

I would move heaven and earth for you, Ken.

I just need to convince Charles that I'm the best candidate.

Do you know, he actually accused me of not being modern!

Well, you're not, are you? Go on, you're terrible with computers.

How dare you?

You use Yahoo to search for Google.

I'm on Twitter. I've got ten followers now.

Yeah, Mum and everyone in the office.

Well, what about this video that I forwarded everyone?

-Oh, that's old.

-To be honest, Ken, even I saw that about two years ago.

Wait, ssh, ssh, ssh!

Ah!

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

You see.

Not everyone's seen it.

That was great, Ken. So worth the price.

The price?

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Stop, Dale!

Stop it!

-I can't, I got 15 more.

-What are you doing?

Ashram rules, 30 lashes for each minute of internet.

OK, Dale, we do not have that rule in this house.

You can watch as much internet as you like.

And it won't corrupt my soul?

Well, just don't look at Dylan's search history.

That's a good point. That's true.

-Oh, you liked that one, didn't you?

-Yeah. Drunk babies are funny.

Then you can share it with your friends.

-What is that?

-It's Instant Messenger.

You type in here and it comes to me.

-H-h-how do I do that?

-OK.

Er, so you paste the link.

And click send.

And it goes straight to you?

Yeah, it's like a direct line.

Oh, after you're done with that, show him LinkedIn.

-Dad, you like looking at books don't you.

-I call it reading, Dylan.

Fancy buying these book tokens off me? £100?

Why have you got £100 worth of book tokens?

-I won them in a poetry competition.

-Dylie!

YOU won a poetry competition?

Yeah, well they said the first prize was £100 so I thought I'd enter.

Only took two minutes, was a piece of piss.

For you maybe, my talented little Dyl-Dyl.

Sorry, YOU won a poetry competition?

Yes, only it turned out the prize was actually £100 in book tokens.

Money you can only spend on books.

It's like having a glass you can only fill with...

shit.

Prize-winning imagery. Such a gift for language(!)

Well, my clever boy.

Come on, Dylan, let's hear the poem.

Get lost. It's bad enough I have to read it at the recital.

-There's a recital?

-All right, don't wet yourself.

My son, a poet.

That's probably from me.

You know, when your dad and I first got together,

I used to write him sexy little poems

and leave them in his briefcase for when he got to work.

I remember one of them went...

DOOR SLAMS

SHE CHUCKLES

PHONE BUZZES

You saucy minx!

So I spent all day yesterday

thinking of ways to be more spontaneous

and I was going to tell you tonight but, in the spirit of things,

I thought, sod it, I'll tell you now.

What are you doing a week Saturday

next year?

I've no idea.

Well, you do now, because I just bought us two tickets

to the Ideal Home Show!

Not good?

Yeah, that's lovely, erm,

I suppose I was hoping for something a bit more...

wild.

-Against the wall!

-Yeah.

-Sorry, I should just...

-No, leave them!

No, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

-Is there something you can sit on?

-I thought you joined the gym.

I did but I never have to lift anything as heavy as you.

Let's just go on the floor.

-Ow!

-Oh, sorry. Sorry.

-Swap round.

-Yeah, OK.

Oi, is that a new mole?

Ben, please, just focus.

Yeah, sorry, it's just the edges look a bit frayed

and they say the sooner you get it looked at the better.

-I think it can wait two minutes.

-Two minutes? Well...

DOOR OPENS

HE GASPS

-Someone there?

-Now?

HE ORGASMS

THEY LAUGH

Jane?

Ken. I didn't see you there.

Erm, my husband's running his practice from home nowadays.

-He asked me to help towards the stationery.

-Right.

That is a lot of stuff.

Perks of partnership, eh?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

You go for it.

Ben.

Ken. Mate. What's up?

I wanted your advice on a delicate matter.

Shoot.

I think I may have found a way of shoring up the senior partnership

but it's, er, not exactly ethical.

-Are we talking something dangerous here?

-Not really.

It's more sort of petty and underhand and not worthy of a real man.

You know what a real man does, Ken?

He takes what he wants.

Because fortune favours the brave.

Carpe Diem.

All right, I'll do it. Thanks, mate.

No problem. Smell you later.

Prick.

Enter.

-Oh, Ken.

-Hi, Charles.

Erm, I've managed to lay my hands on some CCTV footage

from the stationery cupboard.

Righto. What sort of CCTV footage?

Is it urgent? I've got lots of things on, you know.

Not urgent, no. Let's just say you'll find it very, very interesting.

Right. Why?

Let's just say it'll change the way you see things around this office.

Let me know what you think.

Lorna, you kinky madam!

HE CHORTLES

By the way I, erm, I'm liking your messages, Little Miss Naughty.

I'm liking yours, Mister...Tall Naughty.

APPLAUSE

I've got to say I've really loved judging this competition.

Never really been one for poetry,

but reading these pieces by your children, I've started to think,

"Hey, it's not all about fancy-pants clever-clogses

"rhyming 'you' with 'blue'."

It's...it's young people pouring their fucking hearts out.

So, without further adoage, let's put the emotion in motion.

Great.

APPLAUSE

My poem is called Insignificant Progenitor. Progenitor means father.

'Insignificant progenitor.

'Foolish balding man, short dolt,

'Mephitic midget

'Why do you cling to the dark in your limited mindset

'Like a toad who makes its home in shit?'

Brilliant. That's my daughter.

APPLAUSE

Wow, right?

OK, guys, now you are in for a tasty, wordy, rhyme-tastic treat.

Dylan Thompson, first prize.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Dylan.

Thank you.

"I'll be there" by Dylan Thompson.

-Dylan Thompson. Even sounds like a poet.

-Just wait and see.

'You're still in bed at ten, and work began at eight.

'You've burned your breakfast, so far things are going great.

'Your mother warned you there'd be days like these

'But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you

'down to your knees and I'll be there for you

'when the rain starts to pour.

'I'll be there for you like I've been there before

'I'll be there for you cos you're there for me too.'

This is first prize?

OK, guys, you know, this poem may not be your bag but,

-just give the kid a chance, right?

-Yeah.

It's not a poem. It's the theme tune from Friends.

What?

# I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour. #

-It is the theme tune from Friends.

-I know.

I knew it sounded familiar.

It's a qualified English teacher. Reassuring?

Well, shall I finish it or what?

I think maybe just get off the stage.

Look, I wrote this, all right.

You can't prove that I didn't.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Great, so in one night, I've lost £100 worth of book tokens

and all pride in my family.

-Dylan, I'm going to need that money back.

-Sold as seen, mate.

Dylan, hand it over. Dylan!

-Hey, you guys never said you made an internet video.

-Internet video?

Yeah, but I didn't really get it, though. It was super grainy.

What were you guys doing? Planking?

What are you talking about?

-And what was with that weird balloon animal?

-A balloon animal?

Yeah, you held it up at the end but it was deflated and then you

rolled it up in tissue paper and hid it behind the filing cabinet.

-Dale, wh-where did you see this video?

-Ken's e-mail.

-Dad, was there a video in your e-mail today with me and Ben in it?

-No.

The only video on my e-mail is CCTV footage of Jane stealing stationery.

There's CCTV in the stationery cupboard?

Yeah, I've sent it to Charles.

Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Dad, I think you sent a video to Charles of me and Ben having sex.

-No. No, I didn't.

-Yes, you did.

When Jane came in to the stationery cupboard today,

me and Ben, we were...

We were...

HE ROARS

-Dad! What were you thinking?

-What was I thinking?

-Yeah.

Maybe it would've been a good idea to check the footage first.

It would've been a good idea not to have sex in the stationery cupboard.

We were just trying to be more spontaneous.

Oh, God, this is the problem with spontaneity, it's unpredictable.

Man created routines for a reason.

To separate us from the chaos of nature.

I don't want to live like a chimpanzee, Rachel.

Well, I don't want the whole office to see me naked.

These things, they always get forwarded round.

-God, everyone's going to be laughing at me!

-OK.

I'm going to ring Charles. Maybe he hasn't read the e-mail yet.

He did say he was busy.

Charles, it's Ken. Yeah.

Listen have you, erm, managed to read that e-mail from earlier yet?

You haven't?

Your laptop's at work.

Fantastic. Great.

Er, listen, I'd really appreciate it if you could delete that e-mail.

What's on it?

It's very sensitive, private and personal,

I've made an embarrassing mistake.

I would really appreciate it, as a friend, if you would delete that.

Yeah. Completely.

Thank you.

Don't open it.

Thank you.

Well, he's definitely going to watch it now.

No, he said he'd delete it.

'Sensitive, private and personal, An embarrassing mistake?'

Could you have made it sound any more juicy

Oh, she's right, Dad. Oh, God.

But his laptop's in his office?

I am NOT hacking my boss's computer.

I'm up for senior partner.

All right, so you'd rather he saw your daughter having sex?

OK, so we break in, find the video, delete it

and it's off to Friday's for a victory battered sausage.

-Quicker the better.

-The window's open, Chief Ken.

I'll bust in and then come down and let you guys through the front door.

Oh, no, there's no need to...

Relax, I've seen a ton of parkour videos today. I got this.

No, but Dale...

..I have my key card.

Aargh.

Oh...

Oh, boy.

-Dale, do you need to go home?

-No, no, no. I'm A-OK.

It only hurts when I breathe.

Are there security cameras in here too?

What if they check the tapes?

What if they find out that we've broken in?

No-one is breaking in. We're just working late.

-Solid. So what are we looking for?

-A laptop.

There!

Huah! Huah! Huah! Huah!

Not that laptop.

You need to calm down.

Not an option, Ken.

Rachel's dignity is at stake

-and I will not rest until I complete my quest.

-OK.

That's good because I've got a very important job for you.

I want you to stay here and watch the door.

-You stay here and watch Dale.

-OK.

SCREAMS

Jesus, Ken!

-What are you doing here?

-I just came back to collect some things.

This is my office.

Yes, I...

heard your computer

and I came in to give you a shock, you know, for a joke.

And I did. All according to plan.

What are you doing back there, Charles?

I told you, didn't I?

I left my laptop here and came back to collect it.

Some very important things that I have to look at.

What kind of things?

Private things.

Oh, this is disgusting!

Oh, yes, Ken.

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, Charles. I thought a bit more of you than this.

-I'm a sick man, Ken.

-Yeah.

I don't suppose there's any way that we could keep this

-just between the two of us, could we?

-What?

I could announce you as senior partner tomorrow.

Yeah.

OK.

But you'll delete the e-mail, yes?

Well, yes, if you want me to.

-Yes, I want you to.

-Oh, fine.

There you are, all gone.

-Poof!

-Right.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Oh, Charles.

Senior partner. I'm so proud.

Thanks, love. Bit of an unorthodox rise to power but,

-guess that's just how business is done at the sharp end.

-Absolutely.

You can't expect to rise to the top without some collateral damage.

In this case, Charles using our daughter as a masturbation aid.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Congratulations, Ken.

-Congratulations, Ken.

-Thank you.

-Hey, Ken, all set for the big announcement?

-Yes, very much so.

SHE TITTERS

-What?

-Nothing. Sorry.

Absolutely nothing.

Everywhere we go this morning, people seem to be laughing.

-Congratulations.

-Just ignore it.

-You did delete that e-mail, didn't you?

-Of course I deleted it.

There's no chance anyone's seen it.

Relax, Rachel, your dad's getting promoted

and we're all going to reap the benefits.

Exactly, and there is no other way of looking at it.

Boardroom, everyone. Boardroom.

Something to announce.

Er, well now it's my honour to introduce the new senior partner.

He's the right man for the job.

He's a good lawyer,

a family man with an enviable sense of discretion.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Please give a warm welcome to Ken Thompson.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you, Charles. Well, I'd like to welcome you all.

I know that the hours this year have been long and hard.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

I know you've really thrown yourselves into it

so that our clients' needs are satisfied.

TITTERING

OK, you've seen it.

Come on. Who's seen it?

Pretty much all of you.

Well, as senior partner, I have something I'd like to say.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Don't all look at each other innocently.

It's just a big joke to you, isn't it?

It's just a young girl's feelings.

A father's sense of pride.

-Go on, laugh it up!

-Ken.

Don't you "Ken" me. I'm senior partner now, Charles,

and I'm not going to let you get away with it.

I'm meant to say a few words about you, aren't I?

OK, here they are. You're a filthy old pervert.

GASPS

OK, fair dos,

so I accidentally sent you a video of my daughter having sex with Ben.

GASPS

It was her idea.

But really, Charles,

masturbating over it at work like some old tramp in an alley

and then spreading it around the office

despite assuring me you'd deleted it.

Expecting me to be so thankful that you'd nominated me,

that I would breeze on by without even mentioning it.

Well, I'm sorry, Charles, you picked the wrong patsy.

-Ken.

-Don't try and deny it.

-But, Ken, I...

-It is MY turn now!

Pete's sake, Ken, stop!

I think everyone's laughing about your tweets

with your wife.

The saucy ones?

No-one knows anything about this video stuff.

What? They were private messages.

I used the e-mail sign, that little Miss Lorna.

That's not how it works, Ken.

They were public messages.

I see.

And you've all seen them?

I think you owe Charles an apology.

Well, no, because I walked in on Charles in his office

with his trousers down and...

I thought we had an agreement, Ken.

Oh, very well.

I hadn't planned to let news out this way but, however...

It appears that I have developed Parkinson's Disease.

Last night Ken barged into my office

as I was cleaning up after a little accident.

Appears that incontinence is part of the disease.

And that is one of the reasons why I'm retiring from the firm.

In order to fight it.

Charles Miller there.

Retiring with dignity and honour.

And that is all from me.

Thank you.

Three cheers for the new senior partner. Hip hip.

MUTED: Hooray.

-Hip hip.

-MUTED: Hooray.

Erm...

-OK, you sure you want to do this?

-Yes, I've been practising.

-OK.

I'm Dale Savarsna and no object gets in the way of parkour.

Whoa!

Dale, are you OK?

Yeah, all good. It was just a tractor in that thing.