Neighbourhood Watch Cuckoo

This programme contains strong language

(Ken. Ken!)

Chilli sauce here, all the salad, all the salad.

(Do something. Someone's trying to break in!

(I definitely heard a noise.)

(Probably foxes in the bins. It sounds fine now.)

ENGINE STARTS

-(That's the van.)

-(I'm calling the police.)

They'll be gone by then! Do something. Here.

-Lorna, it's not Tom and Jerry!

-Go on.

No! This is why our taxes pay for a police force,

and, Dale, what the fuck are you doing?

It's my war paint, Chief Ken. I'm going in to battle.

Go on, Dale, go get 'em.

Do you have another plant, Lorna? This soil's gone.

-Try the PC in the kitchen.

-Lorna, do not encourage him.

Confronting an intruder is extremely dangerous.

Also, Dale, you look borderline racist.

They're getting away. Do something!

Give me that. Are you with me, Chief Ken?

Dale, for Christ's sake, do not go out there.

Aarrgh!

E-T PHONE HOME, E-T PHONE HOME! Ra-a-a-ar!

It's got a wing mirror missing and there's a dent in the bumper.

-And how does that make you feel?

-How does that make me feel?

Well, victims of crime can often be overwhelmed by their emotions.

Right. OK, well, I'm a little bit annoyed, obviously.

Mm, course you are. I imagine you're also feeling

frustrated, powerless, scared...

Irritated, increasingly irritated.

Exactly, that's why we have these victim-support leaflets.

"Are you OK?"

It's excellent, written by a bloke who used to work on Poirot, so...

-Great(!)

-Chief Ken, where do you want the hole?

What hole?

The hole of shame for when we catch these punks and bury them.

OK, Dale, there's such a thing as the rule of law,

and what it says is you can't go around burying people in holes.

Well, actually, this...this kind of reaction's very common,

which is why we like to spend time with the victims

and reassure them that they're being protected.

Is that a night stick?

Yeah. Well, actually, it's a standard-issue telescopic baton.

-Can I hold it?

-Erm, no,

because I imagine the officer needs to get on with his job, don't you?

Oh, no, no, erm, go for it, this is very fun, actually.

STICK WHOOSHES

How do you get it to make that noise?

You've got to have soft hands and strong wrists.

Oh, wow.

Great.

Do you know, if you could spare a few moments after this, I'd love

you to investigate the crime that's been committed on my property.

-Oh, that was a massive one.

-Ah...

The one that went round your waist. That is incredible.

KNOCKING

Dylan, love, are you awake?

Er, no, don't come in.

Sorry, love, were you, er, fiddling?

Mum, I've told you, I don't wank, I have never wanked.

Oh, that's lovely. Anyway, I need to tell you something.

Last night, some very bad men tried to burgle us.

Oh, shit. That's terrible news.

Oh, look at you - you're really upset about it. And scared.

Yeah, I know, I'm...I'm really shook up.

Can I have 20 quid?

Of course you can.

You may feel safer in your home by joining a community

protection scheme such as Neighbourhood Watch.

Well, you know who runs our Neighbourhood Watch scheme -

Steve Chance, so no.

Well, I'd still feel better if we did join.

I mean, what if Dale hadn't been there to protect us last night?

I was on top of the situation, thank you.

Of course you were, it just seemed like you were frozen with fear.

-Oh, Mum, don't be so mean.

-Thanks, Rach.

Dad's getting on now, he's not a young man anymore.

And with that bad back, at times he's practically disabled.

And his diet's terrible. Imagine what his heart's like.

Not good for someone pushing 50.

I'm 48. And, Ben, do you have to keep doing that?

Do you know what I want to talk about? Mr Chocolate.

He was the guard dog on our ashram.

He would fetch sticks and go for walks, and in the springtime

he would eat the baby monkeys when they fell from the trees.

As time went on, he got old and confused,

and one day he messed himself in Vashredi's tent.

I'm sorry, how is this relevant?

Because I put him down that day, Chief Ken.

In the most humane way possible, I just - I snapped his neck

across my knee, but I can still his face looking up at me.

That sad, tired, old face.

I don't want that to happen to you, Ken.

That is a fairly specific set of events.

And, if I were a monkey-gobbling dog that shat in a tent,

I might be worried, Dale.

It's OK, Chief Ken, I got this.

With you incapacitated by age, I will protect your family.

Well, that's very sweet of you, Dale, but worry not, I'm in my PRIMATE.

Hey, Zoe, wait up.

Zoe, look, about last night, I'm really sorry.

I did try to take the van, but then I crashed it

and woke everyone up, so I had to spend the night in the shed.

-Whatever.

-Look, I know you're pissed off cos we didn't go to the club

last night, but I actually risked my life trying to come pick you up.

Oh, I went, just not with you.

All right, babe? Wicked night last night.

You went with that dickhead?

At least Neil's got a proper car. With doors on it.

Four doors, Thompson. One for each of your...

-..vaginas.

-And that's the best you can do, is it?

-That I've got four vaginas?

-Yeah. Deal with it, you quadro-vag.

Brilliant. Zoe, come on, let's just talk, please.

Quadro-vag?

Jesus Christ.

SHOUTING

Oh, uh. Uh-huh! I got him. I got him.

-Captured this man on your behalf.

-What's going on?

-Dale's caught a burglar.

-I'm not a burglar, I'm Ben.

-Dale, are you mental?

-I was going to the toilet.

Oh, Ben.

-Ow. Ow.

-Right.

I apologise, Ben. I will be cutting off my thumb

-and giving it to you first thing in the morning.

-Oh, no harm done.

Usually a bit of rough-and-tumble gives me a nose bleed, actually.

But I am dry as a bone.

I was sleeping in the hallway and I just...just kind of grabbed out.

Why were you sleeping in the hallway?

It's the centre of the house, Ken -

it means I can get to trouble spots quicker. I know you'd take care

of that normally, but obviously you can't these days.

I suggest we all go back to bed.

We are perfectly safe in this house.

If it makes you feel any better, I'll take some measures.

What kind of measures, Ken?

Important ones.

Thanks again for this, love.

If surrendering another night of my life to Steve Chance makes

you feel safe, then so be it.

Steve could be very helpful. He's a black belt in judo.

He rolls around on crash mats giving headlocks to young teens, Lorn -

it's hardly Enter The Dragon.

Chief Ken, remember,

if you feel confused, or even scared, let me know

-and I'll take you straight home.

-Thanks, Dale.

Hey, Mum, by the way, for me,

the most important thing is that you feel safe.

Oh, bless.

By the way, Zoe's definitely going to be here, right?

It's just she's not returning my calls.

-Oh, I forgot to ask.

-For fuck's sake, Mum.

Ken, come here, you.

It's OK. Sh. It's not your fault. Mm?

Come on.

Don't worry, mate, no-one's judging you.

Why would anyone be judging me?

Well, let's just say if somebody tried to steal my car

they'd be pissing through a tube right now.

Steve, you weren't there.

That is why I'm not judging you.

Or at least trying not to.

Ken, hello, stranger!

Nina, wow.

God, it's always such a pleasure to see you,

-I didn't know you came to this.

-Oh, well, you know me,

just a concerned local resident like you, Ken!

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, it's been a while.

-Yeah.

And, look, once again, I'm so sorry about, you know,

-the bleurgh, sick.

-Oh, it's OK.

Gosh, don't be silly. That was ages ago.

Really? So embarrassing.

Oh, Ken, you are forgiven, you are forgiven.

Hello, mate, I'm Ken.

I know who you are.

Oh, have we met before?

Yeah we met in the magistrates' court. You're a solicitor.

Oh, the custody hearing. Hope I didn't say anything too bad.

You said my failings as a husband were matched

only by my failings as a father.

Well, I mean, to be fair, I was just doing my job.

What, lying?

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

Oh, but that's all water under the bridge now.

Exactly, water under the bridge, like with me and Nina, yeah?

We're friends now,

but a couple of years ago, I was sick all over her...

..her breasts.

Yeah, I remember. I spent the whole weekend cleaning the car.

So...yeah.

Well...

Come on. Here you are.

It's terrible what happened, you must've been scared witless.

I still am. Poor little Dyly, he's very shaken up.

Surprising about Ken, though.

You would've thought a big, strapping fellow like that

would've scared them off.

Yes, Steve, come on.

Oh, God, look at him.

Oh, Steve's in his element at these meetings. Takes charge.

Hi, excuse me, Mrs Chance, sorry to interrupt. Any idea where Zoe is?

Yes, she's gone out with her boyfriend.

Yeah, that's not possible. I'm her boyfriend.

Clearly not. Zoe's moved on.

Can I suggest you do the same?

Can I suggest you go and do a shit with your clothes on?

He's very shaken up.

Out you pop, and no peeping.

Where are we?

You'll see. Right, ready?

And tada!

-Oh, what's this?

-Our new house.

Well, it's not specifically our one, it's the show home, but the great

thing about this estate is that every house is exactly the same.

How cool is that?

Oh, it's brilliant.

Things are getting pretty fucking ugly on the streets of Lichfield.

A few nights ago, our newest member, Ken Thompson,

had his driveway and his dignity utterly violated.

OK, can I actually explain...?

So the question I want to ask is this -

if your house gets broken into by a drug-crazed maniac with a knife -

or, God forbid, two knives - what do you do?

-You call the police.

-No.

The only thing that you can do is learn to defend yourself.

Pepe, get up here. You're the criminal.

What is the first rule of self-defence?

Aagh! Aagh.

-Surprise.

-Aagh!

It's surprise.

I surprised Pepe, and now I'm free to punish him for any crimes

he was contemplating against me.

Like so. Take that, you wife-thieving...

Let him go, Steve. They get so competitive.

-Ugh.

-Ken. Up on your feet.

What?

-Come on, Ken, get in to it.

-No!

No, Chief Ken is too old and tired for physical exertion.

I volunteer myself to take his place.

Look, I just think we should be talking about security lights

and deadlocks, or a rota to look after each other's houses.

-Where do you want me, Steve?

-Front and centre.

Dale, I think it's only fair that I should warn you

that I have developed my own style of martial arts -

it's a mixture between karate and rugby league.

Oss.

Oss.

Fucking hell.

Now, I see you've had some kind of basic training.

But, as I mentioned before, surprise...

That's clumsy.

But...but effective. Let go. Let go.

Yeah, but...what would happen...

..if I pinned you in a death hold?

Oo-argh! Uh...

Aagh.

Oss.

No, you've got that all wrong. See, what you should've done...

Grab me from behind and I'll show you what you should've done.

Oh, fucking hell!

Now, er, the key to shaking him off really is just...

It's quite simple, you just use his own strength against him,

see, like so.

Oh...

OK, I think that what Steve is showing us here is that

getting violent with a burglar is only going to make things worse.

There's a tree in the garden, Ken - why don't you go and hug it?

Carry on Dale, hard as you like.

Affirmative.

Erm, should he be that colour?

-Yes, he should.

-I, er, I'm... I'm going to go for a smoke.

-Aah.

-I really think you should let him go.

Oh, shut up, Nina. Steve's always got something up his sleeve.

Aargh. Argh.

CLICKING

Yeah, I got out of that, sucker.

So, er, car's gone.

Someone's nicked our bloody car!

So the second rule, really, of self-defence is...

Oss.

Oh, it was parked right there!

What sort of car was it?

It's a red BMW with a Liberal Democrat sticker.

Ha-ha - they'll be ragging the arse out of that!

Dylan.

Right, OK, well, I'm going to go home and wait for the police,

-so if you see anything, will you keep in touch?

-Nina!

What? They've already rung the police!

Oh, right, so we're just going to sit back and do nothing, are we?

-Yes.

-Again?

Yes.

All right, people? Listen up.

We're going to split into two teams to scour the area for the car.

Thank you, Steve.

Lorna. Team one.

Maybe you should get your shoulder seen to.

Seen to it myself, Ken. It's dislocated. That's all.

Team one - me, Ken, Dale.

No, I should protect the women and children.

Fuck off!

OK, team one - me, Ken and...

..Pepe.

Team two - Lorna, Dylan, Connie, Dale.

OK, listen, maybe we should have a quick look for the car,

but we are not getting into any death-wish vigilante stuff, Steve.

Oh! Right, let's fucking do this.

And this is bedroom three,

although of course it doesn't have to be a bedroom -

could be anything, a study, a snooker room, a nursery.

Come on, blue-sky thinking - what else could this room be?

A bedroom?

Anything at all.

-A bedroom.

-Let your imagination run wild.

Bloody hell, Ben, it's a bedroom!

Hey, come on, this is supposed to be fun.

Yeah, well, it's really not my idea of fun.

What's not fun about a three-bed semi with a south-facing car port?

I don't think I want to live here. It's really bland.

Bland? Bland?!

This place is everything we've ever wanted, isn't it?

If you don't want this, then what do you want?

I don't know.

Is it the house you don't like? Or something else?

Can we just go for a drink somewhere and have a bit of a chat?

Rach, I know I'm not Cuckoo.

I know I'll always be your second choice.

-No, it's not like that.

-Yes, it's exactly like that.

Cuckoo will always be your number one.

He's Andy Murray and I'm Jamie Murray.

But you know what, Jamie Murray is a bloody good doubles player.

I think I need to be on my own for a bit.

Rach, please, don't go. I'm not letting you go.

Shouldn't we be driving around instead of just sitting in your car?

Oh, shut up, you fool.

That road is the main artery to the council estate.

The dragon's lair. Pass me those painkillers, would you?

Get 'em yourself.

I can't - my shoulder's pressed against the door.

If I move, it'll pop out.

Here.

Should've let me perform the vasectomy.

Maybe they cut something they shouldn't have.

Maybe you're not producing testosterone any more.

I mean, medically speaking, you could be a eunuch.

Hi, Zoe, so, erm, yeah, I'm at this amazing party,

and, erm, there's this girl who's, like, all over me.

Erm, so, yeah, I was just checking if we're still exclusive?

Call me.

Jesus Christ, Dale, what are you doing?

Protecting you.

There's something so attractive about men who can protect you.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love Pepe. He's perceptive, vivacious,

with a wonderfully offbeat sense of humour.

Pepe - is he?

I remember once at Center Parcs a horse trod on my foot

and wouldn't get off.

Steve kept punching it in the face until it moved.

You don't forget loyalty like that in a man.

Which Center Parcs was it?

There's a storm coming.

Yeah. Looks like it's going to rain.

No, I mean between you and Lorna.

Cos if the worst has happened and you have been castrated...

I have not been castrated!

Let me have a look.

There's the car!

Ah!

PHONE RINGS

Zoe.

No, it's Ben. Can I speak to Dale, please?

It's Ben. Don't be long.

Hello.

Hi. Have you seen Rachel?

Isn't she with you?

We had a few cross words. She said some very naive things

about new-build properties and then walked out.

Now her phone's off and I don't know where she's gone.

Are you saying you've lost my mom?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Lorn, Lorn, we've found the car!

-Hi, Lorna.

-We're on our way.

They've found the car!

I gotta find Mom. Dylan, take care of the womenfolk.

OK, buckle up. Here we go.

Mum, there's literally about three foot there - are you an idiot?!

Mom!

Quick, we're heading into the industrial estate.

Argh! Argh! Argh! My shoulder's popped out. Grab the wheel.

-Steve!

-The wheel. Argh!

Argh! Argh!

Ow, ah!

When did you pass your test?

Steve, focus, watch the road! What the fuck are you doing?

Just drive!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Oh, God!

-Ow. Oh!

-Steve!

-You're on full-beam - dip the lights.

Mom! Mom, where are you?

Mom! Mom!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I think so.

Let's get you home.

Ow! I think it's my ankle.

OK. Come here.

Right, well, we know where he lives - we can call the police.

No, Ken. This one is personal.

Is that pepper spray?

Yeah, I got it for Connie for her birthday. She's never used it.

Fucking typical.

You stay here - leave this to real men.

Oi, you! You, stay where you are!

Let me in. Open the door, let me in.

Ah.

Keep back, keep back.

Fucking hell! Justice!

Yes! Yes! Hold still, it's over. It's over.

Whoa, what the bloody hell are you doing?

Get off, get off my son!

He attacked me!

It was a mistake! I thought you were stealing the car.

He texted me to say he was borrowing it,

and I left my phone in the house!

Well, you could've let us know! We've been looking all night!

Whoa, we don't need a lecture from you, sweetheart.

You so sure about that?

Because we were the victims of crime ourselves the other night,

when some yobbos took Dale's van.

So if we want our streets to be safe, well,

it's time parents started taking responsibility for their children.

It was Dylan that crashed your car. He was going to a club.

You!

No, you. You pompous sod.

Look at ya, looking down your nose, at us!

Telling us how to live our lives!

When you haven't got a bloody clue!

Oh, jog on, Terry.

Jog on? Don't tell me to jog on, you lanky twat!

You!

Oh. Oh!

Is that too tight?

No, it's good, thanks.

OK.

This is like when we first met.

Except it's... it's you that's hurt, not me.

And it's your foot, not my arm.

Yeah!

OK.

I know it's crazy, but when I first saw you, before I knew you

were my mom, I, er,

I thought you were...

And then we got talking and...

I wish we never found out.

Hang on. No, stop - we can't.

I chatted with the lady and explained how victims of crime

like yourself can often be in a heightened state and completely

lose all sense of proportion. She's not pressing charges.

Lucky you, eh?

Thank God!

All right there, Rocky?

I've never seen that side of you before, Ken.

You were like a rampaging stallion.

-I did just punch a woman, Lorn.

-Yeah.

Mom?

Will you stop calling me that?