Christmas Special Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language.

-There's something we said we'd do.

-What did I promise?

-To get a vasectomy.

-What?

Did you go through with it, or were you a chicken?

-Why wouldn't I go through with it?

-Hah! So now you're a eunuch?!

Bloody hell!

Oh, what a tangled web we weave,

when first we lie about having a vasectomy.

Steve still gets jealous about my having a Latin stallion of a lover.

Isn't that right, Pepe?

Yes, I'm fine with Pepe and Connie sharing the master bedroom.

I mean, people have sex. Get over it.

I don't think I'd want to live here.

Is it the house you don't like, or...

..something else?

Mom!

CAR TOOTS

When I first saw you, I thought you were...

Well, I wish we'd never found out.

"Dear Dave and Pree. Haven't seen you this year.

"Don't want to see you next year. "Why am I doing this?

"Please kill me. Lots of love, Ken."

Er..? Sorry, Ken and Lorna.

I gave you the option.

You could have watched the film.

Love, Actually?

I'd rather lick the turkey's arse till it cooked by friction.

Hey, Lorna.

You been on the roof again?

Yeah.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Erm...

Well, I'm going to go for a run.

He's down in the dumps lately, isn't he?

What do you reckon, Rache?

-Maybe he's in love.

-Why should he be, he hasn't done anything wrong?!

I mean, I haven't done anything wrong.

I mean... Oh. What was question?

I was just wondering who the lucky girl was.

First love at Christmas.

How romantic, eh?

Oh, I love Christmas.

I love the songs and the lights...

And the way you can spell it two ways.

-Give it a rest, Lorna.

-I can't help it, Con.

I'm just feeling so Christmassy.

Or X-massy!

SHE LAUGHS

Christmas'll be a challenge with Steve AND Pepe living in the house.

Fighting over who gets to stuff the turkey.

Yes, how DO you ration that out?

Oh. You mean ACTUALLY stuffs the turkey?

Yes.

Frankly, Lorne,

I'm at my wit's end.

Steve's been so distant lately.

I feel like I'm sinking fast.

Oh, Con, carols!

# Ding-dong merrily the sky

# Is riv'n with angels singing

# Glooooorrr...

SHE SINGS ALONG, BADLY

Oh, Con, this is an absolute classic!

# ..ria, Hosanna in excelsis!

# Gloooorrrr...

Get me a towel.

I need a damp towel to revive her.

# O, come all ye faithful... #

Mrs Thompson? Lorna?

Are you feeling any better?

-You fainted.

-Fainted? What?

Would you mind me asking - are you pregnant?

No! No. My husband's had the snip.

OK, sure.

Only, as a midwife, I can usually tell.

Glad to be of help.

Gabriel.

Oh! That's a nice Christmassy name.

Lorna.

Take care.

Oh. He was nice!

Dead wrong about the pregnancy, though.

Unless it's a virgin birth!

# O come let us adore him

# Christ the Lord #

KNOCKING

Ken, just thought I'd pop in for a Christmas visit.

Nina! Wow!

I am surprised to see you.

I'm still so sorry about the...

-The punch in the face?

-Yeah, and before that, the...

-Puking all over me?

-Yes, the puking.

Ken, that's forgotten!

Forgotten, because, after all, this is the season of forgiveness.

-Yes.

-And also presents

and food...

and mistletoe.

So, the community Christmas show is on Christmas Eve

and it's for the school kids and amateur groups to give something back.

But why am I telling you about this? You know!

Because Dylan's performing in it.

-Is he?

-Yes!

-Well...

Anyway, I am organising it this year and I have had a theatrical brainwave.

Right.

Ken, I would be so, so, so grateful,

if you would commit to playing the role of...

-Hamlet!

-No...

Stanley Kowalski?

-No!

-Then it must be...

-Father Christmas.

-Father Christmas.

No. Nina, who put you up to this?

They ask me every year.

But it's the role you were born to play!

You know, with your...stature.

-LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Oh.

You might as well get something back from all those big lunches.

Oh, come on, Ken. It's Christmas.

Yes! It's Christmas, get over it, Nina.

So that's a...

It's a no!

No, no, Nina.

Nina, no, no.

OK, I'm hearing a maybe.

And I'm counting on you going away and thinking about it

and coming back to me with a "Yes!"

-No!

-Merry Christmas.

Merry No-mas.

(Yes...!)

Hey, Mom.

Rache, are these your pregnancy tests?

Yeah, from when I was trying with Cuckoo.

Just chuck 'em.

Bit of fun.

What the...

What's this?

Erm...

It's for you.

Topiary.

Wicked!

So do I need to put it in water, or...?

Mmm.

What the hell is that in my room?

How am I supposed to explain that to people?

What's to explain? I love you, you love me, we had amazing sex.

I'm not ashamed, Mom.

Dale, I shouldn't have done what I did.

We agreed to forget about it.

Forget that? That's impossible!

I never knew my twang stick could do all that cool stuff.

I'm not his mum, OK?

You have to stop this, it's weird.

What? So the father I never knew, also happens to be your dead husband?

It's not THAT weird.

It's massively weird.

It stops here, OK?

What if we're meant to be together?

What if you're my one?

That's my mom.

(I do REALLY love Christmas.)

Bloody Nina has been texting all day asking me to reconsider.

I'm a solicitor, Lorne. I have professional dignity.

Maybe it is nice that people want you to play Santa.

-It means they see you as a jolly sort of a person.

-Oh, do they(?)

Yeah, you're right. Probably because of your belly.

DOOR CLOSES

Ahhh...!

The mystery man returns.

What's this I've heard about you performing in a Christmas show?

Yeah. I might be doing a song, or something.

-HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

-You're singing?! Oh, fantastic.

Where's this come from, Dyl?

I don't know, Mum. I don't know.

So can you stop with all the questions?

Come on, Dyl. Tell your mum.

Yeah, come on, spill Dyl. We won't laugh at you.

All right, well, Zoe said she'd only get back with me

if I sang some stupid song at the stupid show.

What?! Why would she do that?

May be because she's trying to control me like women do?

Dylan.

Zoe does seem a tad manipulative.

Yeah, what can I do, Mum?!

I love the bitch.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

Jesus Christ, Dale!

-What are you doing in my room, you freak!

-Contemplating.

I think maybe I'm in love.

Ohhhh...!

I just can't seem to get this girl out of my head.

-We intercoursed, Dylan.

-Nice!

In the cult we were taught the first person we intercoursed with

would be our alien bride.

And we'd intercourse with her, and only her, for ever.

That's pretty stupid.

Mind you, first girl that I did it with

was an escort that Dad paid for.

No-one actually believes that story, Dylan.

Oh, Ken, some news.

I've invited Connie and Steve to the Christmas balti.

You've done what?

The Christmas balti is my favourite family tradition.

Don't be stupid. Curry, two days before Christmas?

It's not a curry, Lorne. It's a Birmingham balti.

What is the difference?

It's in a metal bowl.

Ken, can I have a word for a second?

My God! Going to be a grandad?

-Have you spoken to Rachel about this?

-No.

I wanted to check in with you first.

The plan was to propose in three months' time,

when we exchanged on the new build.

It's my mum's 60th that month,

so I thought we'd roll both parties into one.

If Rachel's pregnant, should I ask her now?

It might be nice.

Then I'll do it!

God, I feel so impetuous, when I hang out with you, Ken!

And I know just the occasion.

I'll ask her at the Thompson family Christmas balti.

(Oh, boy....)

-Really?

-It's perfect!

I always feel weirdly confident with the balti in me.

-Probably the beer.

-Yeah, could be the beer.

Look, do you not think you should take her someone nice, on her own?

I thought about this, Ken.

I know what people think of me -

that I'm predictable, plodding, even boring.

Sure, I'm financially organised,

and damn good at conveyancing,

but I'm also a daredevil!

Yes, you are.

Well, then, good luck.

Thanks.

Dad.

Think I've had a Dr King before.

My husband, Dr King, is also a partner here,

as is his father, Dr King.

Three Kings! Funny, eh?

Yes!

FORCED LAUGH

Well, there's definitely a baby, in fact, you're two months gone.

Two months? No, that's wrong, Doctor.

-My husband had a vasectomy four months ago.

-Did he?

-Well, that's interesting, isn't it?

-So, how has this happened?

Well, I mean, that's hard for me to say.

Can you remember, perhaps, any encounter you may have had...?

-What sort of encounter?

-Perhaps an encounter with a man?

And his penis?

-What?!

-Have a think.

-Something may come back to you.

-No, it won't.

Mrs Thompson, I believe you.

-Did you just...?!

-Mm, no.

Whatever you think you saw was your imagination.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

-So, you going to sing for your dinner, bitch?

-Don't call me that!

Not in public.

-Here you are, love.

-No, you enjoy yourself, I'll drive.

That's not like you, you old soak!

SHE LAUGHS

HE BELCHES

That's disgusting!

-Oof! Wow, that even reached me.

-Just going to go get some air.

-I know.

-You know what?

I know you're going to need someone to look after you soon, Rachel.

-Dale...

-Rachel Thompson.

Until two months ago,

I never considered that the female in my life might be a living,

breathing woman, rather than a terrifying extraterrestrial.

-Dale, get up! People will see!

-OK.

I never planned on falling in love with my dad's widowed wife.

But you don't love Ben! And one of us has to be there for you.

Come on through, let's go.

Rachel, I need you to choose between me and him.

Dale, please, stop.

Right now, right here.

I'm not walking out of this room until you give me an answer, OK?

Two names, me or Ben, OK?

-Ben or me, me or Ben.

-OK.

Ben.

Ben?!

But you don't love him!

-Don't you even like me?

-Yes! Dale, I like you. But Ben's good and kind...

and when I'm with him, it...

basically never feels like incest.

Rachel...

..you're my one.

No.

I'm not, Dale.

I'm not, I'm sorry.

OK.

I need to go for a jog.

Connie, I can't think of any other explanation!

Well, you have always really loved Christmas.

But Ken's never going to believe me.

It'll be just like it was when I saw that UFO.

Probably worse.

Oh, Con, it's so great to get it off my chest.

-You know, to finally get a sense of perspective.

-Yes.

We must prepare for the coming of a Messiah.

What's happened to Dale?

I don't know.

LOUD CLINKING

Ladies and gents, on this day 20 years ago, I proposed to Connie.

On this day, but in February.

And we married and we were happy in that magical...angry way

that young people are.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge since.

There's been affairs, on both sides.

Connie's, you know about, mine were a bit more hush-hush,

and with...models.

Anyway, the long and short of it is, I've had enough.

-Steve, don't leave me!

-I've had enough, Connie.

I demand to return to the master bedroom.

Pepe, you can still have the spare room, I mean, that's only fair.

Connie, you're my wife.

-I want to be your main husband again.

-Steve...

-Hmm?

-Yes! I say yes!

-Come here.

SHE SQUEALS

I think they are waiting for us to clap.

POLITE APPLAUSE

SHE SIGHS HAPPILY

And now, to prove my manhood, I'm going

to order the hottest curry on the menu.

Amar!

It's John.

John.

Er, your hottest mushroom phal, please.

Had one of these on my wedding night. Almost hospitalised me.

Mr Chance, please be aware that since 20 years,

the heat of the chillies available in this country has increased tenfold.

Yeah, all right, no need for the history lesson, John.

I can take it. I could take anything tonight.

Burning! My sides are burning like Mordor!

STEVE GROANS

Maybe it's better you missed your slot. Maybe do it quietly.

Screw that, Ken.

I said my proposal would be brave and in public,

and brave and in public it will be!

Nina. She wants me to be Santa at the community Christmas performance.

-Christmas show. That's public.

-Oh, yeah, it's at the Town Hall.

Oh, Christ, no!

You have to do this for me. Get me on that stage!

Ben, if I do this,

it will mean throwing away every bit of dignity I've gathered

-over 25 years as a respected lawyer in this cathedral city.

-Really?

More than the time you were caught stealing at a funeral?

It wasn't stealing! But, yes, more than that.

What about the time you falsely accused our senior partner

of masturbating to a sex tape of your daughter,

but in fact he had Parkinson's?

Yes, Ben, that was undignified, but this is worse.

I don't think I can do this.

Didn't you also once turn up to a kids' party high on E?

Oh, fuck it, I'll do it.

-Thanks. Dad.

-Yes, you've done that.

Hey, Pepe.

HE SIGHS

Pepe, what do you do when the girl you love can't love you back?

I mean, how can you carry on living around them

when every moment cuts your heart like a tiny little knife?

If you ask me, when it gets too complicated,

best to fuck off out of there.

Good luck, son.

I'm moving to Solihull.

-Ready for the show?

-I am.

So weird that Ken changed his mind about the Santa thing.

Yeah, isn't it?

-Where have you been all morning?

-What, eh? What?

-Well, if you must know, Rach, I went to church.

-Church?!

-You don't believe in God.

-Don't I?

I mean, science can't prove everything.

There's more things in heaven

-and earth that are dreamt of in your philosophy. Shakespeare.

-Oh, right.

-Which play?

-No idea. Heard it on Ghost Hunters.

EXCITED CHATTER

Come on out now, Ken, let's see you.

-SHE GASPS

-Oh, great!

And remember to slap your belly when you laugh. Ho-ho-ho!

-Ho-ho-ho.

-Yeah, but slap your belly.

Hah, beautiful! Really got to use those natural assets.

And I love your little Robin Hood friend, too.

I'm an elf!

-How do I look?

-Look, are you sure you want to go through with this?

OK, message from front of stage, fanmail already!

-DALE:

-"Ken, by the time you read this, I will be gone.

"I've lost the girl I love and can't bear to stay.

"That's all you need to know.

"You will never know where I'm going, nor why."

It's from Dale. He's leaving and he won't say where!

Oh, stand down, he's written it

on the back of his booking confirmation.

The bellend's on the next train out of Lichfield!

Ken, wait, I can't do this without you!

BRAKES SCREECH

Which way is the train to London?

I can't let you through without a ticket.

I'm not travelling, it's... I've got to go and see my son...

-Well, he's my step grandson.

-It's Santa!

-It's not, please. I'm not.

Santa! Santa! It's the real Santa!

-Go away!

-Hey, this isn't your patch.

He shouldn't even be in the station!

-Hey, big guy!

-What? Piss off!

-THEY GASP

-I'm not Santa.

You heard him, mate. Jog on.

-Please, I beg you!

-You can't go through without a ticket!

Dale!

Santa?

Ken?!

Oof!

-Oh, Steve, Con! Two tickets, please.

-Hi, Lorn.

Sorry, we're all booked out tonight. No room at the inn!

Oh, actually, you might be in luck,

we do have a cancellation this afternoon.

-Oh, that's great, thanks.

-You can have Mrs Shepherd's tickets.

-Lorna, thank God! Where's Rachel?

-She's on her way.

-Why are you dressed as a plant?

-I'm an elf!

Ken has bailed, I need a Santa.

Did someone say Santa?

Anyone else?

Lorna thought you'd probably met someone.

Do you want to talk about it?

OK.

But Dale, come on.

So, a girl breaks your heart. Is it worth leaving your family for?

It's worse than that, Ken.

Don't be silly.

What can you have possibly done that your family can't help you out with?

HE SIGHS

I intercoursed with Rachel.

Ohh!

Disg... That is disgusting!

Oh, she's your... Well, she's not your mum, but...

Come... Dale!

Oh, no! Oh, sorry. That is yuck.

-I've totally fallen for her.

-She's your dad's widow!

Oh, God.

It's not yours, is it, the baby?

Maybe. But she says she wants to stay with Ben.

That's why I've got to leave town.

She doesn't love him.

She's going to marry him and she doesn't love him.

I'm going to stop him proposing!

-OK, the Town Hall.

-No, Ken...

Um...

I'm sorry, Ken.

I can't. It's too painful to be around Rachel right now.

I guess one thing I've learned about love is,

you can't change what's in your heart.

Oh, get over it, Dawson's Creek!

CAR STARTS

OK, Santa and Elf, two minutes!

-Where's the Santa stuff?

-Ken was wearing the Santa stuff!

-Ohh!

I'm just going to have to make do. Think Santa...and I can BE Santa.

APPLAUSE

And now, who's coming?

Why, it's Santa and his special Christmas elf!

APPLAUSE

Hello, children.

Let's spend some quality time together.

-What is he dressed as?

-Some kind of glam rock Oompa-Loompa.

Who has been good and who has been bad?

I hope you've all been good, because I've got presents for you all.

And I've got announcements, like...

Congratulations to little Eve Tully, it's her birthday today. Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho!

Come on, come on!

And with that, I bid you a Santa-ish goodbye!

-Steve!

-What?

Oh, yeah.

Wait, for my special Christmas elf also has something to say.

I'm Ben, the Christmas elf, and this is my elf and safety announcement!

It will mean a short break in the show,

but hey, guys - don't be elfish!

OK, you didn't like that.

I might just skip the banter with Santa bit.

Why? Ohhh...

I have a very special request for a really fantastic

girl in the audience.

Rachel Thompson.

TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE

Rachel, I love you.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Will you be mine, in sickness and in elf?

TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE

Yes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Sure, I'll marry you!

Why not?

Ben!

Don't do it, she doesn't love you.

-Ken!

-Ken, she just said yes.

What?! You said yes?

Dad, what are you doing?!

-You don't have to say yes, not if Ben isn't the guy for you.

-Er...

Not if you love someone else.

What?

Do you?

I'm so sorry.

AUDIENCE GASP

-You've got nothing to be sorry for.

-Ken, this is unhelpful.

And I want you to know, if you don't marry him, we will stand by you.

And the baby.

Ken, this is actually quite treacherous.

What are you talking about? Baby? I'm not pregnant.

-TOGETHER:

-Aren't you?

Ken, Rachel isn't pregnant.

I am.

TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE

I know you might say that can't be, but it's true.

And you know I would never, ever cheat on you,

and that means the only other option is...

-I'm the new Virgin Mary!

-Lorna is the new Virgin Mary.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,

however improbable, must be the truth. That's Ghost Hunters.

-Is this why you went to church this morning?

-Ken, it's been awful!

I took the test and then I checked it with the doctor

and I thought you'd think that I'd been, you know...

-I lied about the vasectomy.

-Say what?!

I did have it, but two months after I said I had it. I'm sorry, Lorn.

You lied to me?!

Actually, that is a massive relief!

Oh, I am not the new Virgin Mary. Yes!

False alarm, repeat, false alarm, no second coming.

-APPLAUSE

-And, we're going to have a baby!

APPLAUSE

Oh, bollocks!

And so, everybody is happy at Christmas, ha-ha-hah!

Well, I'm not.

Everybody except Ben is happy at Christmas.

And now, to present our finale,

Dylan Thompson in A Perfect Christmas.

APPLAUSE

MIC FEEDS BACK

# Hark, the Herald Angels sing

# Glory to the newborn King. #

BEATBOXING AND DOO-WOP BACKING VOCALS

# Hark, the Herald Angels sing

# Glory to the newborn King

# Peace on Earth and mercy mild

# God and sinners reconciled

# Joyful all ye nations rise

# Join the triumph of the skies

# With angelic host proclaim... #

-You're staying for Christmas. Christmas is for family.

-You got it.

# Hark, the Herald Angels sing

# Glory to the newborn King... #

DOO-WOP BACKING VOCALS

# Christ by highest heaven adored

# Christ the everlasting Lord

# Late in time, behold him come

# Offspring of a virgin's womb

# Veiled in flesh the Godhead see

# Hail the incarnate Deity

# Pleased as man with man to dwell

# Jesus, our Emmanuel

# Hark, the Herald Angels sing

# Glory to the newborn king. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm sorry, Dad.

# I still had a lot of growing

# When you took me and you shaped me with those hands

# You know me better than myself

# Make me better than I am

# Oh, you know me well

# You know me well, you know me well

MOTOR STARTING

Dale, wait!

# You know me well... #

Wait!

# You know me well. #