Birth Cuckoo


Birth

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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EXCITED SHOUTING

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-DALE:

-'Dear Chief Ken, I am writing you from the city Shanghai

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'in a country the local people call China.

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'Sorry I took off at Christmas without saying goodbye.

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'It all got so complicated. I had a lot of thinking to do.

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'Lichfield, England, is often on my mind,

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'but Lady Luck's been kind to me these last six months.

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'I have a place to live

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'and a top job in the Shanghai business community.

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'Yes, Chief Ken, I can say at last with absolutely certainty

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'that everything is going my way.'

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Oh! Hey, guys!

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That was a great party last night. It was your birthday, right, Hwang?

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A little too much rice wine? You little tearaway!

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Let me see,

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three cold ones coming right up.

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He found out.

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Is he real mad?

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HE SHOUTS OUT

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Sorry, I forgot that was there.

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I just cleaned the place yesterday!

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Whoo! Now, that's my exercise for the day!

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Well, that's not fair, Lu Hong.

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I taught you how to nunchuk.

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LU HONG ROARS

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HE CHOKES

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HE LAUGHS

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Now look, guys, we're all going to laugh about this someday.

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-THEY GROAN

-But for now,

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I should probably get on a plane.

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HE CHOKES

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Definitely get on a plane.

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40 minutes?! Mate, my wife is about to give birth here.

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20 minutes. OK. Yeah. We can hold on for that long.

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Right.

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I would like a prawn jalfrezi, a chicken bhuna, naans,

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-all of them - peshwari, keema...

-Tandoori special.

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Tandoori special for four. Lovely. Thank you.

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Well remembered, Dylan. SHE SCOFFS

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What? The baby's a week late. Curry induces labour.

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We've had it three times this week, greedy-guts!

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Lorna, it's nothing to do with being greedy.

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This is one of those rare occasions in life

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when doing the right thing is also doing the tasty thing.

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SHE LAUGHS Besides, you need

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to keep your strength up.

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-It's going to be tough when the baby arrives.

-Yeah...

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Ken, you know

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-these new branches we're opening up in Sutton Coldfield?

-Yeah.

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Rachna asked today if I'd oversee them. Sort of head honcho!

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-Congratulations, love!

-Thanks, Ken. They want me to start straight away.

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Erm... Hang on.

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So I was thinking this time round you might handle the baby duties.

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-Paternity leave? I don't think so!

-Ha-ha, this is jokes.

-Interesting.

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-Why not?

-Well, a bit sudden, isn't it? You've rather sprung it on me.

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Sort of like you sprang a baby on me by lying about your vasectomy.

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-Yes, Mum. That's the knockout.

-I mean, in theory, why not?

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But I'd have to go in and speak to the other partners,

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and I am hugely important to that firm.

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I'm a king to them, in my own humble way.

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-Good. You can go and talk to them tomorrow.

-Yes. All right.

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-I mean, yeah, I'll talk to them.

-Great!

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Ha-ha, Dad, going to look after the baby?

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Going to give it its bockle and wear a pinny

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and be the pwimawy carer?

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Oh, shut up. I'm not even going to mention this at work.

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As soon as your mother lays eyes on that baby

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and the old oxytocin hormone starts a-flowing,

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all thoughts of paternity leave will exit her mind.

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-No, I'm just going to ride this out.

-Yeah, sweet plan, Dad.

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Now give me 20 quid or I'll tell Mum.

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Oh, Dylan?

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-When you go to university and leave home...

-Yeah, what?

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Nothing. It's just a wonderful thought.

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-Bellend.

-DOORBELL RINGS

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Yum-yum, here you are...

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Chief Ken!

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It's me. Dale.

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-What the hell...?

-Long time, no see.

-Dale?!

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Well, come on, come in!

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Lorna! It's Dale!

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Touchdown at Thompson Towers.

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And so concludes another marathon session in the drinking

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establishments of Lichfield.

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Thanks for being designated driver. God, it must be boring not drinking.

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Oh, you know me. Couldn't be boring if I tried.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Oh, I'm so glad we stayed friends.

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Best friends. Besties!

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Could have easily been weird, what with us almost being engaged.

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Well, technically, we were engaged. You said yes.

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-But then I said no about ten seconds later.

-Exactly.

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So we were engaged for ten seconds.

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The point is, you're still the love of my life.

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It's just you're the friend love of my life.

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I think it's because

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it never really got that good for us sexually, did it?

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Yeah...

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Rachel!

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Hi, Ben.

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You have to come in!

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Dale's back!

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-Oh, fuck off!

-Oh, my God...

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Ben?

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-How do I look?

-Not your best.

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I mean, maybe just stay in the car, wait until he's gone away again.

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No, I'm going to go in.

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-Yeah...

-Wish me luck.

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Yeah. You go, girl...

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HORN BLARES

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Have fun...

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Yum-yum in my tum! One thing I've missed while in Asia, good curry.

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-Dale, you look so nice in your suit. Doesn't he, Rach?

-Yeah.

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-It's very nice.

-Mr Xi had this suit made for me personally.

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Oh! Mr Xi is my new mentor.

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-What a wise and inspirational man, let me tell ya!

-Right.

-Mm-hm.

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He's not...another cult leader, is he?

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Of course not, Lorna! I learned my lesson on that one.

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-You guys must have thought I was a real dope!

-Well, we did...

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-No, we did not!

-No.

-No.

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No, Mr Xi is actually a very successful businessman.

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So with things going so great for you out there,

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what brings you back to Lichfield?

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Well, once a man has found success in his work,

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his attention turns to matters of the heart.

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-Oh, Dale doesn't need to go into it just now, does he?

-No. No, no.

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Well, you can stay as long as you want.

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We're doing up your room for the baby,

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so you'll have to stay in Dylan's room.

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-Well, that isn't happening.

-Great idea!

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We could get those old bunk beds out.

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No, we could get the old bunk beds in your arse. I'm not...

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Insubordination.

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It is SO good to have you back, Dale.

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You can move your old bed out. I'm not touching your clammy mattress.

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-LORNA:

-He's come back for Rachel! Finally, it's happening.

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-Love is in the air, Ken.

-Yeah. And she could do worse, as well.

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He's a good lad, is Dale.

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I mean, he's no brainbox, but, y'know, he gets stuck in.

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I wouldn't want Rach to move to China.

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Although it is a growing economy, I read.

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Yeah. I don't know, y'know?

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Rachel's in a bit of a rut right now. Maybe change would do her good.

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And if it's Dale, I mean,

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who cares if he's her dead husband's son by a teenage one-night stand?

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As the song goes!

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DRILL WHIRS

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-Hey.

-Well, hey, Mom!

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Me and Dylan are just building up these bunk beds.

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Yeah. Do you think we could drop the whole "Mom" thing

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now that you're back and since we have had...sex?

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Yeah, that makes sense.

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Maybe I'll just call ya Rachel. Or Rach.

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I don't know, I can't choose. I like 'em both.

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Dale, erm, I've been thinking.

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Last time you left so suddenly, and I felt that we had some...

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-talking to do.

-Yes. Yes, I'm so glad you said that.

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So maybe we could go out?

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There's a neat little Italian just popped up on the high street.

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Oh, cool.

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-What does he want?

-No. Erm, it's a restaurant, not a person.

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Oh. Got it, got it. I love that.

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-OK, cool.

-Um, well...

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-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

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The car just accelerated away, and...

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Hey! How are my NCT homies?

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-Hey, Jess! Good to see you!

-How's it going?

-Oh, ready to pop.

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Mark's still in Dubai, so, yeah, poor, deserted, pregnant Jess!

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-Oh, it's a crying shame.

-Mm.

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Well, he sends cheques, so, you know, maybe I should buy a man in.

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How much for this one?

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Too much for anyone. I sell by the pound!

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-Yeah, all right.

-We're actually overdue now.

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Oh, well, erm, a friend of mine swears the only thing that works

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is nipple stimulation.

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Oh, yeah? Oh, we'll have to give that a go.

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Us? Ken, you're naughty!

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Ohhh! Oh, no! Oh, hell, no. No!

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No, I meant Lorna and I!

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Oh! Of course! Oh!

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-LAUGHS

-No, of course!

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Well... No, you two are... You are the sweetest.

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I could just eat you up!

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Rarrr!

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Anyway, better run, so, erm, see you on the other side!

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-Bye!

-Bye.

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-Good luck!

-She's the worst.

-I like her.

-Because she fancies you.

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I love you for even thinking that's a possibility.

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Right, if I can summarise, Adrian totally cocked things up

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and now they're suing us.

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Not a great result, Ken, but I gave it 100%.

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Oh, well, as long as you tried(!)

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All right, thank you, meeting adjourned.

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Er, sorry, wait, everyone. Er, Ken? Aren't you forgetting something?

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I don't think so.

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All of you, sit down.

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Ken, you drongo, you forgot to ask for your paternity leave.

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-What are you doing?

-Lorna texted me to remind you.

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So, everyone, Ken really,

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really wants six months' paid leave to look after his baby.

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You do realise you're supposed to give six weeks' notice?

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You really are putting us in a difficult position.

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Oh, so it's a no, then. Oh, that is a shame.

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You'd better text Lorna. Thank you, everyone.

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On the other hand, it would be

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an inspiring example to the female workforce.

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-I think I like it.

-Jane, are you on crazy pills?

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We can't do without Ken!

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He's the big daddy, the grand old duke of law.

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He makes it rain like a bloody nimbostratus.

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I mean, looking at it objectively, I do see Adrian's point.

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Oh, I don't know, we're big boys and girls. We can handle it.

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-We'll be fine!

-Yes, brave words, guys, but let's not be cursory, OK?

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Adrian? Maybe unpack what you were saying a little bit more.

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-I don't know, er...

-Yes, you do.

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-Why shouldn't I do paternity leave?

-Er, Ken's the rain maker...

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-You've said that!

-Well, let's all vote.

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Who's for Ken's paternity leave?

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That's three for. And against?

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There's three against. Er...

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with the senior partner having the deciding vote.

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Ken, are you really voting against your own paternity leave?

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No. I must have got confused.

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I'm voting FOR it, because that's what I want.

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Great! So, Ken's going on paternity leave, and while he's away,

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I suppose I'll have to take up the reins.

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Fantastic. OK, Ken, see you in six months.

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You would love the food. They have this dish, chicken chop suey.

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You've tasted nothing like it!

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God! It makes me miss travelling listening to you.

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Travelling is so much fun.

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So, are you, erm, heading back to China any time soon?

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Well, I mean, that kinda depends on what happens while I'm here.

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BOTH: We need to talk about Christmas.

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-Oh!

-THEY LAUGH

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-Spooky!

-Yeah!

-OK, you go first.

-No, you go. Erm...

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just say how you feel.

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Look, I was so cut up when you said we couldn't be together.

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You see, I was taught to believe that each person on earth was

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given only one love.

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I suppose I just got to believe in second chances.

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I've fallen for a truly special girl...

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..someone who's beautiful...

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and kind...

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and clever...

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and funny.

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Oh, yeah?

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Um, what's her name...this girl...?

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Ling.

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Ling? Who the fuck is Ling?

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-I mean, Ling...?

-LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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She lives in Shanghai, China. She's Mr Xi's daughter, actually.

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We fell madly in love, but Mr Xi didn't quite approve of it,

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so he had me chased out of town.

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Now I gotta lie low a bit until Ling can talk her dad around.

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-So you're in love with Ling.

-Yeah!

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And you're just here to hide out from her dad. That's really...

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That's really great.

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-LORNA:

-I am so lucky.

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I mean, how many other husbands would just drop their career

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because it is the fair thing to do?

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Yeah. You're right. I am a great guy.

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Having said that...

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now I've shown my willingness to take paternity leave,

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maybe it's time to ask,

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would it be better if I DIDN'T take paternity leave?

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I don't know, Lorn, maybe it would.

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Oh, Ken, just grow up.

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Just because you take time off to look after your own child

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does not make you less of a man.

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DOORBELL

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You're not getting out of this.

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-Hello, Ken.

-Oh...

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-Steve...! We're busy. Go away.

-It's not a social call, Ken.

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As your family doctor, I'm here to check on my patient. Lorna?

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Hi, Steve.

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Ah... Haven't seen you two much since Connie ran off again.

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Do you know, I'm just up the road now.

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You should come round, check out the new hot tub. Got it half-price.

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Previous owner died in it.

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OK. We're using a doctor from the hospital.

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You don't want to trust those quacks at the so-called "hospital", do you?

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I was kicked out of the hospital for alleged malpractice.

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Won't let me within 20 yards of the place.

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That is how stupid hospitals are. So there you go.

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-Let me have a look.

-Erm...

-Ken?

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Thank you.

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OK. In my professional opinion, that baby is due any day now.

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-Am I right?

-It's a week late.

-It's a week late.

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-Actually getting quite anxious.

-Don't encourage him!

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Y'know...

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a while back...

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er, I rejected Western notions of medicine.

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Lorna, I have a trick that will get that baby

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out of you like a rat from a trap.

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-OK, that's a very kind offer, but it's a definite no.

-Ken!

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We've tried everything else.

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-Does this method involve you touching me in any way?

-No.

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-I mean, I could...

-No!

-No!

-No. No.

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It's fine without. No.

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For me?

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Why, thank you.

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Point that to the sky, like you're at Ginza or Karnak.

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Your job is to align the energy fields, Ken. Align them.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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STEVE GRUNTS

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OK, Lorna...

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look at me.

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Hip si bin ya. Hip si bin ya.

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Hip si bin ya!

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Ha!

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Up!

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Hip bin sin ya. Hip bin sin ya.

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Hip bin sin ya! Hip bin sin ya...

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Hip bin sin...

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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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AAAAA...!

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Well, you've blown MY mind, Steve.

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Steve, you silly beggar, this lump...

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Oh, my Jesus Christ.

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SPLASHING

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Ken! It's happening!

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Bloody hell! Where are my car keys? Where are my car keys, Lorn?

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They're in your jacket.

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-Come on, Ken, get a move on.

-Victory!

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Victory!

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Come on, pick up!

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-Ooh!

-Ben, Ben, the baby's coming. Rachel's not picking up.

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I need you to swing by the restaurant...

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-Ken, Ken, hurry up!

-Thanks, mate.

0:18:190:18:20

-Be fair, Ken, let me finish the job. I'll deliver the baby.

-Steve...!

0:18:230:18:27

-It'll be a freebie.

-Steve, get out. Get out!

0:18:270:18:30

I've been practising at home. I've been practising!

0:18:320:18:35

Honestly, it'd be fine.

0:18:350:18:37

Call the baby Steve. Call it Steve!

0:18:370:18:40

Rachel! Stop!

0:18:400:18:42

-Ben?

-Sorry.

-CRASHING

0:18:420:18:45

Rachel, stop it. Stop it immediately.

0:18:450:18:47

Your mother's waters have broken. Come on, stand up.

0:18:470:18:50

-Oh, God.

-Come on, Dale, stand up. Wrap it up.

-Let's go.

0:18:500:18:52

-Will you give me a lift?

-Yeah.

0:18:520:18:54

Oh, erm, I'll pay. I'll pay.

0:18:540:18:57

Yeah, I would take you, but there's only space for one in the car.

0:18:570:19:00

Oh, that's fine. It's under 12 miles, right?

0:19:000:19:03

I'll jog there. Race ya!

0:19:030:19:05

Oh! Ohhh...

0:19:070:19:09

Oh, Mum! Are you all right?

0:19:100:19:12

Whoo! These suits were not made for long-distance running!

0:19:140:19:17

Did a baby come yet?

0:19:170:19:19

-No, no, no, you're all in plenty of time. Dylan!

-Dylan!

-Better ring him.

0:19:190:19:23

No, I haven't got a signal. I'll be back in a minute, love.

0:19:230:19:26

Ooh...

0:19:260:19:28

Obey me, you bastard! Come on!

0:19:280:19:32

Come on!

0:19:320:19:34

Ken?

0:19:340:19:36

-Ah! You're here, too!

-Yeah. Looks like it's popping at last.

0:19:360:19:41

Oh!

0:19:410:19:42

-So, your wife's in too, then?

-Yeah.

0:19:420:19:44

Looks like you're going to beat her to it, though. Well done!

0:19:440:19:48

Yeah. I suppose I have a fast vagina.

0:19:480:19:50

Ooh!

0:19:500:19:52

SHE CRIES OUT

0:19:520:19:53

HE JOINS IN

0:19:530:19:55

-What's happening?

-What do you think's happening?!

0:19:550:19:57

-Oh!

-Get a doctor!

-Doctor!

0:19:570:20:00

We need a doc...

0:20:000:20:02

THEY BOTH SHOUT OUT

0:20:020:20:04

Good... Just... SHE CONTINUES SHOUTING

0:20:060:20:09

HE WAILS

0:20:090:20:12

Oh, my God, it's happening!

0:20:120:20:15

-Where's Ken? Get Ken!

-I'll find Ken, Lorna, I promise.

-Yes!

-OK.

0:20:150:20:20

Excuse me, have you seen my giant friend?

0:20:220:20:24

His face looks sort of like a really angry eagle.

0:20:240:20:27

HE SHOUTS OUT

0:20:270:20:29

-One more push.

-Fuck you all!

0:20:300:20:34

That's the spirit!

0:20:340:20:35

Doctor, could someone help me release this hand?

0:20:350:20:37

-I've got to be somewhere...

-Someone calm the father. He's panicking.

0:20:370:20:40

The thing is, I'm not the father.

0:20:400:20:42

Will you support me, you selfish bastard?!

0:20:420:20:46

Rachel, never have children.

0:20:460:20:49

Where's your bloody dad?

0:20:490:20:51

MUSIC: Sinnerman by Nina Simone

0:20:510:20:54

BABY CRIES

0:21:060:21:08

It's a girl!

0:21:080:21:10

Maybe Daddy would like to cut the umbilical cord.

0:21:100:21:14

See ya later.

0:21:140:21:15

What?

0:21:300:21:32

Damn you!

0:21:320:21:33

Give me the chocolate!

0:21:340:21:36

PHONE BEEPS

0:21:360:21:38

No?! No!

0:21:400:21:43

NO!

0:21:430:21:44

# Lord, I run to the river

0:21:490:21:52

# It was boiling I run to the sea

0:21:520:21:55

# It was boiling I run to the sea... #

0:21:550:21:58

He's like a bear. He's like a big bear.

0:21:580:22:00

KEN ROARS

0:22:000:22:02

OK.

0:22:020:22:03

CHIEF KEN!

0:22:040:22:06

Sorry, sir.

0:22:060:22:08

# Please help me... #

0:22:080:22:11

Ken? Ken!

0:22:110:22:13

Have you seen a really huge man? He calls himself Chief Ken.

0:22:130:22:16

# He said...

0:22:160:22:18

# Child, where were you?... #

0:22:180:22:22

Ohhh!

0:22:220:22:24

Shit! Come on!

0:22:250:22:27

One...one...

0:22:270:22:29

Please!

0:22:290:22:30

-Oh, thank God! I need to get to my wife.

-Of course! You're Ken, right?

0:22:300:22:35

-Yes!

-I'll take you to her.

-Thank you! Thank you!

0:22:350:22:37

BABY CRIES

0:22:430:22:44

Ken! You came back!

0:22:440:22:47

No! Not you!

0:22:470:22:49

Not bloody you!

0:22:500:22:51

Sorry!

0:22:560:22:58

Lorna!

0:23:010:23:03

Ken? Where were you?

0:23:030:23:05

I had bad phone reception.

0:23:060:23:08

Oh! Chief Ken! I was looking everywhere for you.

0:23:080:23:11

-Ken, I can't believe you...

-Lorna, shh.

0:23:110:23:14

Can we please just enjoy the moment?

0:23:140:23:16

Here. Hold your son.

0:23:160:23:19

BABY CRIES

0:23:190:23:21

-Have you got him?

-Yeah.

0:23:210:23:23

BABY STOPS CRYING

0:23:250:23:27

Oh, Dad, magic touch!

0:23:270:23:30

Wow.

0:23:320:23:34

I'll do it. I'll take the paternity leave. Stuff work.

0:23:390:23:43

It's my turn.

0:23:440:23:46

Well, I'm glad you've come to your senses. Here, pass him over.

0:23:460:23:51

Greedy-guts.

0:23:510:23:52

Number three, eh?

0:23:590:24:01

At last! I have a son!

0:24:020:24:05

Er, Dad, what about Dylan?

0:24:050:24:07

Oh, yeah. Dylan.

0:24:070:24:09

Here you go. And if there's anything else you want, just ask.

0:24:150:24:19

Wow, I feel like a princess.

0:24:190:24:21

And all I had to do was push a ginormous baby out of my lulu.

0:24:210:24:25

Sid's a great name.

0:24:280:24:30

Sidney Poitier, Sidney James...

0:24:310:24:34

Oh, Sidney Vicious!

0:24:340:24:36

There are no bad Sids.

0:24:360:24:37

-What?

-Just thinking.

0:24:390:24:41

By the time Sid's 18, you'll be 65, about to retire,

0:24:410:24:44

starting to forget things.

0:24:440:24:46

-Well, that's if your heart hasn't packed in first.

-Right...

0:24:460:24:49

-Goodnight, Lorna.

-Goodnight.

0:24:490:24:51

Night, Siddles!

0:24:510:24:52

SID CRIES

0:24:540:24:57

-Primary carer?

-I'll start tomorrow.

-Starting now.

0:24:570:25:00

-You're not back at work yet.

-Can't hear you!

0:25:000:25:03

Oh, bollocks!

0:25:070:25:08

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