Birth Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language

EXCITED SHOUTING

-DALE:

-'Dear Chief Ken, I am writing you from the city Shanghai

'in a country the local people call China.

'Sorry I took off at Christmas without saying goodbye.

'It all got so complicated. I had a lot of thinking to do.

'Lichfield, England, is often on my mind,

'but Lady Luck's been kind to me these last six months.

'I have a place to live

'and a top job in the Shanghai business community.

'Yes, Chief Ken, I can say at last with absolutely certainty

'that everything is going my way.'

Oh! Hey, guys!

That was a great party last night. It was your birthday, right, Hwang?

A little too much rice wine? You little tearaway!

Let me see,

three cold ones coming right up.

He found out.

Is he real mad?

HE SHOUTS OUT

Sorry, I forgot that was there.

I just cleaned the place yesterday!

Whoo! Now, that's my exercise for the day!

Well, that's not fair, Lu Hong.

I taught you how to nunchuk.

LU HONG ROARS

HE CHOKES

HE LAUGHS

Now look, guys, we're all going to laugh about this someday.

-THEY GROAN

-But for now,

I should probably get on a plane.

HE CHOKES

Definitely get on a plane.

40 minutes?! Mate, my wife is about to give birth here.

20 minutes. OK. Yeah. We can hold on for that long.

Right.

I would like a prawn jalfrezi, a chicken bhuna, naans,

-all of them - peshwari, keema...

-Tandoori special.

Tandoori special for four. Lovely. Thank you.

Well remembered, Dylan. SHE SCOFFS

What? The baby's a week late. Curry induces labour.

We've had it three times this week, greedy-guts!

Lorna, it's nothing to do with being greedy.

This is one of those rare occasions in life

when doing the right thing is also doing the tasty thing.

SHE LAUGHS Besides, you need

to keep your strength up.

-It's going to be tough when the baby arrives.

-Yeah...

Ken, you know

-these new branches we're opening up in Sutton Coldfield?

-Yeah.

Rachna asked today if I'd oversee them. Sort of head honcho!

-Congratulations, love!

-Thanks, Ken. They want me to start straight away.

Erm... Hang on.

So I was thinking this time round you might handle the baby duties.

-Paternity leave? I don't think so!

-Ha-ha, this is jokes.

-Interesting.

-Why not?

-Well, a bit sudden, isn't it? You've rather sprung it on me.

Sort of like you sprang a baby on me by lying about your vasectomy.

-Yes, Mum. That's the knockout.

-I mean, in theory, why not?

But I'd have to go in and speak to the other partners,

and I am hugely important to that firm.

I'm a king to them, in my own humble way.

-Good. You can go and talk to them tomorrow.

-Yes. All right.

-I mean, yeah, I'll talk to them.

-Great!

Ha-ha, Dad, going to look after the baby?

Going to give it its bockle and wear a pinny

and be the pwimawy carer?

Oh, shut up. I'm not even going to mention this at work.

As soon as your mother lays eyes on that baby

and the old oxytocin hormone starts a-flowing,

all thoughts of paternity leave will exit her mind.

-No, I'm just going to ride this out.

-Yeah, sweet plan, Dad.

Now give me 20 quid or I'll tell Mum.

Oh, Dylan?

-When you go to university and leave home...

-Yeah, what?

Nothing. It's just a wonderful thought.

-Bellend.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Yum-yum, here you are...

Chief Ken!

It's me. Dale.

-What the hell...?

-Long time, no see.

-Dale?!

Well, come on, come in!

Lorna! It's Dale!

Touchdown at Thompson Towers.

And so concludes another marathon session in the drinking

establishments of Lichfield.

Thanks for being designated driver. God, it must be boring not drinking.

Oh, you know me. Couldn't be boring if I tried.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, I'm so glad we stayed friends.

Best friends. Besties!

Could have easily been weird, what with us almost being engaged.

Well, technically, we were engaged. You said yes.

-But then I said no about ten seconds later.

-Exactly.

So we were engaged for ten seconds.

The point is, you're still the love of my life.

It's just you're the friend love of my life.

I think it's because

it never really got that good for us sexually, did it?

Yeah...

Rachel!

Hi, Ben.

You have to come in!

Dale's back!

-Oh, fuck off!

-Oh, my God...

Ben?

-How do I look?

-Not your best.

I mean, maybe just stay in the car, wait until he's gone away again.

No, I'm going to go in.

-Yeah...

-Wish me luck.

Yeah. You go, girl...

HORN BLARES

Have fun...

Yum-yum in my tum! One thing I've missed while in Asia, good curry.

-Dale, you look so nice in your suit. Doesn't he, Rach?

-Yeah.

-It's very nice.

-Mr Xi had this suit made for me personally.

Oh! Mr Xi is my new mentor.

-What a wise and inspirational man, let me tell ya!

-Right.

-Mm-hm.

He's not...another cult leader, is he?

Of course not, Lorna! I learned my lesson on that one.

-You guys must have thought I was a real dope!

-Well, we did...

-No, we did not!

-No.

-No.

No, Mr Xi is actually a very successful businessman.

So with things going so great for you out there,

what brings you back to Lichfield?

Well, once a man has found success in his work,

his attention turns to matters of the heart.

-Oh, Dale doesn't need to go into it just now, does he?

-No. No, no.

Well, you can stay as long as you want.

We're doing up your room for the baby,

so you'll have to stay in Dylan's room.

-Well, that isn't happening.

-Great idea!

We could get those old bunk beds out.

No, we could get the old bunk beds in your arse. I'm not...

Insubordination.

It is SO good to have you back, Dale.

You can move your old bed out. I'm not touching your clammy mattress.

-LORNA:

-He's come back for Rachel! Finally, it's happening.

-Love is in the air, Ken.

-Yeah. And she could do worse, as well.

He's a good lad, is Dale.

I mean, he's no brainbox, but, y'know, he gets stuck in.

I wouldn't want Rach to move to China.

Although it is a growing economy, I read.

Yeah. I don't know, y'know?

Rachel's in a bit of a rut right now. Maybe change would do her good.

And if it's Dale, I mean,

who cares if he's her dead husband's son by a teenage one-night stand?

As the song goes!

DRILL WHIRS

-Hey.

-Well, hey, Mom!

Me and Dylan are just building up these bunk beds.

Yeah. Do you think we could drop the whole "Mom" thing

now that you're back and since we have had...sex?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Maybe I'll just call ya Rachel. Or Rach.

I don't know, I can't choose. I like 'em both.

Dale, erm, I've been thinking.

Last time you left so suddenly, and I felt that we had some...

-talking to do.

-Yes. Yes, I'm so glad you said that.

So maybe we could go out?

There's a neat little Italian just popped up on the high street.

Oh, cool.

-What does he want?

-No. Erm, it's a restaurant, not a person.

Oh. Got it, got it. I love that.

-OK, cool.

-Um, well...

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

The car just accelerated away, and...

Hey! How are my NCT homies?

-Hey, Jess! Good to see you!

-How's it going?

-Oh, ready to pop.

Mark's still in Dubai, so, yeah, poor, deserted, pregnant Jess!

-Oh, it's a crying shame.

-Mm.

Well, he sends cheques, so, you know, maybe I should buy a man in.

How much for this one?

Too much for anyone. I sell by the pound!

-Yeah, all right.

-We're actually overdue now.

Oh, well, erm, a friend of mine swears the only thing that works

is nipple stimulation.

Oh, yeah? Oh, we'll have to give that a go.

Us? Ken, you're naughty!

Ohhh! Oh, no! Oh, hell, no. No!

No, I meant Lorna and I!

Oh! Of course! Oh!

-LAUGHS

-No, of course!

Well... No, you two are... You are the sweetest.

I could just eat you up!

Rarrr!

Anyway, better run, so, erm, see you on the other side!

-Bye!

-Bye.

-Good luck!

-She's the worst.

-I like her.

-Because she fancies you.

I love you for even thinking that's a possibility.

Right, if I can summarise, Adrian totally cocked things up

and now they're suing us.

Not a great result, Ken, but I gave it 100%.

Oh, well, as long as you tried(!)

All right, thank you, meeting adjourned.

Er, sorry, wait, everyone. Er, Ken? Aren't you forgetting something?

I don't think so.

All of you, sit down.

Ken, you drongo, you forgot to ask for your paternity leave.

-What are you doing?

-Lorna texted me to remind you.

So, everyone, Ken really,

really wants six months' paid leave to look after his baby.

You do realise you're supposed to give six weeks' notice?

You really are putting us in a difficult position.

Oh, so it's a no, then. Oh, that is a shame.

You'd better text Lorna. Thank you, everyone.

On the other hand, it would be

an inspiring example to the female workforce.

-I think I like it.

-Jane, are you on crazy pills?

We can't do without Ken!

He's the big daddy, the grand old duke of law.

He makes it rain like a bloody nimbostratus.

I mean, looking at it objectively, I do see Adrian's point.

Oh, I don't know, we're big boys and girls. We can handle it.

-We'll be fine!

-Yes, brave words, guys, but let's not be cursory, OK?

Adrian? Maybe unpack what you were saying a little bit more.

-I don't know, er...

-Yes, you do.

-Why shouldn't I do paternity leave?

-Er, Ken's the rain maker...

-You've said that!

-Well, let's all vote.

Who's for Ken's paternity leave?

That's three for. And against?

There's three against. Er...

with the senior partner having the deciding vote.

Ken, are you really voting against your own paternity leave?

No. I must have got confused.

I'm voting FOR it, because that's what I want.

Great! So, Ken's going on paternity leave, and while he's away,

I suppose I'll have to take up the reins.

Fantastic. OK, Ken, see you in six months.

You would love the food. They have this dish, chicken chop suey.

You've tasted nothing like it!

God! It makes me miss travelling listening to you.

Travelling is so much fun.

So, are you, erm, heading back to China any time soon?

Well, I mean, that kinda depends on what happens while I'm here.

BOTH: We need to talk about Christmas.

-Oh!

-THEY LAUGH

-Spooky!

-Yeah!

-OK, you go first.

-No, you go. Erm...

just say how you feel.

Look, I was so cut up when you said we couldn't be together.

You see, I was taught to believe that each person on earth was

given only one love.

I suppose I just got to believe in second chances.

I've fallen for a truly special girl...

..someone who's beautiful...

and kind...

and clever...

and funny.

Oh, yeah?

Um, what's her name...this girl...?

Ling.

Ling? Who the fuck is Ling?

-I mean, Ling...?

-LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

She lives in Shanghai, China. She's Mr Xi's daughter, actually.

We fell madly in love, but Mr Xi didn't quite approve of it,

so he had me chased out of town.

Now I gotta lie low a bit until Ling can talk her dad around.

-So you're in love with Ling.

-Yeah!

And you're just here to hide out from her dad. That's really...

That's really great.

-LORNA:

-I am so lucky.

I mean, how many other husbands would just drop their career

because it is the fair thing to do?

Yeah. You're right. I am a great guy.

Having said that...

now I've shown my willingness to take paternity leave,

maybe it's time to ask,

would it be better if I DIDN'T take paternity leave?

I don't know, Lorn, maybe it would.

Oh, Ken, just grow up.

Just because you take time off to look after your own child

does not make you less of a man.

DOORBELL

You're not getting out of this.

-Hello, Ken.

-Oh...

-Steve...! We're busy. Go away.

-It's not a social call, Ken.

As your family doctor, I'm here to check on my patient. Lorna?

Hi, Steve.

Ah... Haven't seen you two much since Connie ran off again.

Do you know, I'm just up the road now.

You should come round, check out the new hot tub. Got it half-price.

Previous owner died in it.

OK. We're using a doctor from the hospital.

You don't want to trust those quacks at the so-called "hospital", do you?

I was kicked out of the hospital for alleged malpractice.

Won't let me within 20 yards of the place.

That is how stupid hospitals are. So there you go.

-Let me have a look.

-Erm...

-Ken?

Thank you.

OK. In my professional opinion, that baby is due any day now.

-Am I right?

-It's a week late.

-It's a week late.

-Actually getting quite anxious.

-Don't encourage him!

Y'know...

a while back...

er, I rejected Western notions of medicine.

Lorna, I have a trick that will get that baby

out of you like a rat from a trap.

-OK, that's a very kind offer, but it's a definite no.

-Ken!

We've tried everything else.

-Does this method involve you touching me in any way?

-No.

-I mean, I could...

-No!

-No!

-No. No.

It's fine without. No.

For me?

Why, thank you.

Point that to the sky, like you're at Ginza or Karnak.

Your job is to align the energy fields, Ken. Align them.

SHE CHUCKLES

STEVE GRUNTS

OK, Lorna...

look at me.

Hip si bin ya. Hip si bin ya.

Hip si bin ya!

Ha!

Up!

Hip bin sin ya. Hip bin sin ya.

Hip bin sin ya! Hip bin sin ya...

Hip bin sin...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

AAAAA...!

Well, you've blown MY mind, Steve.

Steve, you silly beggar, this lump...

Oh, my Jesus Christ.

SPLASHING

Ken! It's happening!

Bloody hell! Where are my car keys? Where are my car keys, Lorn?

They're in your jacket.

-Come on, Ken, get a move on.

-Victory!

Victory!

Come on, pick up!

-Ooh!

-Ben, Ben, the baby's coming. Rachel's not picking up.

I need you to swing by the restaurant...

-Ken, Ken, hurry up!

-Thanks, mate.

-Be fair, Ken, let me finish the job. I'll deliver the baby.

-Steve...!

-It'll be a freebie.

-Steve, get out. Get out!

I've been practising at home. I've been practising!

Honestly, it'd be fine.

Call the baby Steve. Call it Steve!

Rachel! Stop!

-Ben?

-Sorry.

-CRASHING

Rachel, stop it. Stop it immediately.

Your mother's waters have broken. Come on, stand up.

-Oh, God.

-Come on, Dale, stand up. Wrap it up.

-Let's go.

-Will you give me a lift?

-Yeah.

Oh, erm, I'll pay. I'll pay.

Yeah, I would take you, but there's only space for one in the car.

Oh, that's fine. It's under 12 miles, right?

I'll jog there. Race ya!

Oh! Ohhh...

Oh, Mum! Are you all right?

Whoo! These suits were not made for long-distance running!

Did a baby come yet?

-No, no, no, you're all in plenty of time. Dylan!

-Dylan!

-Better ring him.

No, I haven't got a signal. I'll be back in a minute, love.

Ooh...

Obey me, you bastard! Come on!

Come on!

Ken?

-Ah! You're here, too!

-Yeah. Looks like it's popping at last.

Oh!

-So, your wife's in too, then?

-Yeah.

Looks like you're going to beat her to it, though. Well done!

Yeah. I suppose I have a fast vagina.

Ooh!

SHE CRIES OUT

HE JOINS IN

-What's happening?

-What do you think's happening?!

-Oh!

-Get a doctor!

-Doctor!

We need a doc...

THEY BOTH SHOUT OUT

Good... Just... SHE CONTINUES SHOUTING

HE WAILS

Oh, my God, it's happening!

-Where's Ken? Get Ken!

-I'll find Ken, Lorna, I promise.

-Yes!

-OK.

Excuse me, have you seen my giant friend?

His face looks sort of like a really angry eagle.

HE SHOUTS OUT

-One more push.

-Fuck you all!

That's the spirit!

Doctor, could someone help me release this hand?

-I've got to be somewhere...

-Someone calm the father. He's panicking.

The thing is, I'm not the father.

Will you support me, you selfish bastard?!

Rachel, never have children.

Where's your bloody dad?

MUSIC: Sinnerman by Nina Simone

BABY CRIES

It's a girl!

Maybe Daddy would like to cut the umbilical cord.

See ya later.

What?

Damn you!

Give me the chocolate!

PHONE BEEPS

No?! No!

NO!

# Lord, I run to the river

# It was boiling I run to the sea

# It was boiling I run to the sea... #

He's like a bear. He's like a big bear.

KEN ROARS

OK.

CHIEF KEN!

Sorry, sir.

# Please help me... #

Ken? Ken!

Have you seen a really huge man? He calls himself Chief Ken.

# He said...

# Child, where were you?... #

Ohhh!

Shit! Come on!

One...one...

Please!

-Oh, thank God! I need to get to my wife.

-Of course! You're Ken, right?

-Yes!

-I'll take you to her.

-Thank you! Thank you!

BABY CRIES

Ken! You came back!

No! Not you!

Not bloody you!

Sorry!

Lorna!

Ken? Where were you?

I had bad phone reception.

Oh! Chief Ken! I was looking everywhere for you.

-Ken, I can't believe you...

-Lorna, shh.

Can we please just enjoy the moment?

Here. Hold your son.

BABY CRIES

-Have you got him?

-Yeah.

BABY STOPS CRYING

Oh, Dad, magic touch!

Wow.

I'll do it. I'll take the paternity leave. Stuff work.

It's my turn.

Well, I'm glad you've come to your senses. Here, pass him over.

Greedy-guts.

Number three, eh?

At last! I have a son!

Er, Dad, what about Dylan?

Oh, yeah. Dylan.

Here you go. And if there's anything else you want, just ask.

Wow, I feel like a princess.

And all I had to do was push a ginormous baby out of my lulu.

Sid's a great name.

Sidney Poitier, Sidney James...

Oh, Sidney Vicious!

There are no bad Sids.

-What?

-Just thinking.

By the time Sid's 18, you'll be 65, about to retire,

starting to forget things.

-Well, that's if your heart hasn't packed in first.

-Right...

-Goodnight, Lorna.

-Goodnight.

Night, Siddles!

SID CRIES

-Primary carer?

-I'll start tomorrow.

-Starting now.

-You're not back at work yet.

-Can't hear you!

Oh, bollocks!