The Application Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language

Ooh, Dr Lucy Worsley! Ooh, interesting!

Go away, David Starkey!

Go away!

You have no place here.

BABY CRIES

Ugh, you're joking.

You jammy cow.

Henry Tudor ascended to the throne, his Yorkish bride at his side.

And that is Ken Thompson's world-famous history,

The War Of The Roses.

Any comment from you?

Any insightful analysis? BABY CRIES

No? Oh, God, here we go.

Why paternity leave? Why?!

Oh!

Hello...

Yes, I do deserve them.

Raaaarghh!!!

Hi, Ben.

Sorry, today's going very slowly.

Still upset about Dale?

You pined for him for ages, and then he came back,

head over heels in love with someone else.

I wasn't thinking about that, actually, but thanks for the reminder.

No problemo!

And, prepare for your day to be turned around -

because someone is getting a promotion.

-It's you!

-A promotion?

But, Ben, I never applied for anything!

OK, so, Cathy is retiring as office manager,

and Jane wanted a settled, mother-hen-type figure for the office.

I looked her straight in the eyes and I said,

"Rachel. The mother-hen you want is Rachel."

OK, Ben, I didn't ask...

Almost 8k more, and there's a guaranteed 12-month

full maternity cover, should you ever, you know, want to settle down.

With someone.

So, what do you think?

-RACHEL SOBS

-Rachel, please, please stop crying!

It's unfathomable!

I'm interesting, Ben!

I've seen the world!

I've read Paulo Coelho!

I do not want to be an office manager!

But you're an office assistant. It's the way the world works.

I'd imagine that Paulo Coelho was an assistant...

inspirational novelist!

But what if I need more with my life, Ben?

Are we talking a sideways move into HR?

No!

No, but don't dismiss it out of hand,

it's got great career progression!

Dale?

When you were a businessman, what area were you in, exactly?

Well, my boss, Mr Z, insisted on secrecy in all his dealings.

A little quirk of his!

But I was across a few areas.

Client facing, results oriented.

Sorry if I'm bamboozling you with all this jargon!

Well, I must say, it all sounds very impressive.

-Hey, guys.

-Oh, Mom, you're home!

-How was your day?

-Yeah, fine.

I hope you're hungry.

It's di shui dong ribs with braised eggplant.

-Oh, sounds tasty.

-Always Ling's favourite.

Yeah, I'll probably just have it in my room.

Something's up with Mom.

I mean, ever since I got back from China,

she seems to be acting really cold towards me.

Well...

It can be hard, can't it?

Getting reacquainted with people you've had a thing with?

Oh, well, yes, but not in this instance.

You see, before I went away, Rachel told me

it was wrong that I was in love with her.

So now I've found love with Ling - who is amazing, by the way -

my friendship with Rachel should be blossoming as never before.

Hello, my family.

Oh, someone's had a nice day. Sid on good form?

Sidney was his usual truculent self.

But Daddy has found something to put a spring in his step.

Really? What's that?

Ooh!

Tasty!

Ruby red and bright as a button,

a colourful trouser for a happy fellow.

Who is this jaunty gentleman,

peacocking his way around the Lichfield scene?

Why, it is I, Kenneth!

-You're having a mid-life crisis.

-Oh, shut up.

Feast your eyes on the rich and velvety material.

Wow, are those traditional costume, Ken?

Yes, Dale, as traditionally worn by Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!

-I'm a shining star of manhood.

-I'll burn them.

You'll have to burn my legs, then, cos they're not coming off.

Ha-ha, you did it, Dad, you brought twat to the next level.

You bellend!

-Hey, can I have a lift?

-No. Where you going?

-Seeing Zoe.

It's a week till she goes to uni, I think I can get to ten more shags.

But I have to see her every day. Mum, lift?

All right, for young love.

-RACHEL:

-Guys!

Oh, God, it's like an omen!

Practically the first job to come up, and it is perfect!

Since when are you looking for a job?

Since I realised I couldn't spend another day in that office full of deadbeats.

-That would be my office then.

-Yep!

There's a new position at this ace human rights charity,

-the Pegasus Alliance.

-Oh, Nina runs that!

Yes, that's Nina's. She speaks of it relentlessly.

I'm going to make start on the application now.

Oh, yes! Food!

-There you go, Mom.

-Lovely, thank you. Delicious.

-Oh, nice trousers!

-I thank you.

-Give 'em me.

-Never!

-You know I'm going to burn them.

-You are not going to burn them.

-Ken, I cannot see them, I cannot...

Ignore her! I am the red-pantalooned Pied Piper of all women!

Oh!

Rachel, that is hands down

the most moving job application I've ever read.

I mean, your desolate days after Cuckoo died,

your nights of sleepless crying?

I don't know if I'm ever going to be happy again.

I really appreciate that, guys.

I mean, I did put my heart and soul into it, so...

Chief Ken, you have to read Rachel's job application, it'll change your life.

-Oh!

-It's the saddest book I've ever read.

And I've read five books.

Really?! That good, is it?

Any criticism, however small, is gratefully received, so...

OK, let's have a look.

It's quite full-on.

Yeah.

-How long is it till the deadline?

-Midnight.

Four hours? That's...

That's not enough time!

That's not enough time!

TYPING

OK, quarter of an hour to go. Come on, hand it in!

Ken, how could it possibly need this much work?

Don't blame me, I'm not the one who wrote

a job application in the style of Angela's Ashes.

-Dad, it says they're looking for someone creative.

-Don't be so naive.

Creative means, "Will take less money if they're allowed to wear jeans".

There. It's ready, your dad has saved the day.

"I have good organisation and experience of Excel."

Ooh, this one's good too!

Budge up, I'm just going to upload it onto their server.

And...send.

OK, why isn't it sending?

Send!

Dad, why isn't it sending?

Well, hang on...

-Send it!

-I'll do it...

-What's wrong with this robot?

-Three...

-It's frozen. For God's sake!

-Two...

-One!

-Come on!

Midnight!

Oh, thank God!

Ah, there we are! Well done, love!

Well done. Close though!

That was close.

NOTIFICATION BEEP

"The deadline passed at midnight on the 21st,

"we are no longer considering applications"?

-What?!

-Bollocks!

Oh, fuck you!

Oh, well, thanks a bunch, Dad! That really helped(!)

What?

-No way was that my fault.

-Oh, Jesus, Ken.

-KNOCKING

-Go away.

Hey, it's just Dale.

-You OK?

-I don't get it, Dale.

Three years and not one thing has gone right for me.

Am I cursed or something?

That is quite the run of bad luck, huh?

First, your husband died in the Himalayas,

then the website froze. It's a double whammy.

Close the door on your way out, OK?

Yeah, will do.

Hey, you know what Mr Z used to say when a business decision

-or something didn't go his way?

-No.

SPEAKS CHINESE

Oh, it means, "The harder the battle, the more brave the men become."

Dale, I don't know who's told you you're a businessman, but as far

as I can tell, all you seem to do is wear a suit and sunglasses.

Indoors!

I know, I have skills. I can help you.

No.

Unless you can make Nina take a late submission for this job, you can't.

You try your best to help them, and what thanks do you get?

Sid's the most direct, he just goes ahead and defecates on me.

Poor Rach.

First, Dale comes back, mooning over some other girl, then this job.

She was really excited about it.

I know.

In many ways, that job was her red trousers.

What sort of an evil witch denies a person their red trousers?

I can turn this round. I'll go and see Nina tomorrow.

See if the old Thompson silver tongue can persuade her.

-You vomited on her.

-That was ages ago.

You punched her in the face.

-You completely ruined their Christmas concert.

-Yes, all right.

They were more recent.

But you're forgetting that in a previous, more pleasant life,

I was one of Lichfield's finest lawyers.

-A professional in the art of persuasion.

-Ooh!

What are you going to persuade me to do?

Hmm, well,

-I can think of a few things.

-Good!

Well, tell me about them in the morning.

-Lorna, that's not fair, you started that!

-I know.

Sometimes I'm all talk.

-KNOCKING

-Come in!

Ken!

Nina!

-And baby!

-Yes!

-Aw!

Erm...

Oh, golly gosh! Look at your trousers, wow!

Getting a lot of trouble from bulls?

-I don't know yet, I've been avoiding the bull farm!

-The bull farm!

-Please do sit.

-May I?

-Yes, please.

There we are.

So, I haven't seen you since you ruined the Christmas concert.

Oh, Nina, I am so sorry about the concert.

And, of course, about the punch and...

you know, the vomit.

-You're forgiven. I'm not the sort of person who carries grudges.

-Aw!

So, what do you want? I imagine I will grant it.

Well, Rachel was making an application for the job at your charity.

And - it's a funny story, actually...

Ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha. Erm...

She tried to send it last night online,

and, Gordon Bennett, your website was frozen. It wouldn't send!

-Oh, shame, so she missed the deadline?

-Yes.

But I thought, never mind, print off a hard copy and just bring it in.

Sometimes the old-fashioned ways are the best.

Ken, no, I'm sorry,

-I couldn't accept an application past the deadline.

-Oh.

Oh, no, she tried to make the deadline, so...

No, yes, well -

I couldn't give Rachel special treatment, you know.

Everyone knows how close we are.

-Do they?

-Yes, they do, Ken.

No, I'm sorry, it would be immoral of me to read it.

Oh, Nina...

(Who would know?)

I would know, Ken.

OK.

OK, well.

It's there, if you change your mind.

No, I won't!

-I'm pretty sure you will.

-I won't. Bye-bye.

Hmm...

-You might!

-I won't.

Aw.

SIGHS

Dad?

-Ooh, I like those trousers, Ken, Lord, I do!

-Of course you do.

-Mind if I buy a similar pair?

-Yes, I mind.

-Do not.

-So, how'd it go?

Bad news, I'm afraid, love.

Nina was completely unreasonable.

Oh, well.

Thank you, universe(!)

Oh, love.

Listen,

I probably just caught her on a bad day.

It'll be all right, I'll have another word with her.

Hey, listen - how about I put Sid down,

then I go and get us some Magnum out the freezer?

Huh? Go on, then.

Ben, do you want one?

Plain chocolate, please, Ken, the almond ones give me hives.

HE WHISTLES

(What the f...?)

(Chief Ken!)

(Hey!)

A little something I'm doing for Rachel.

It's Nina!

What have you done, you lunatic?!

It's going to be a while before she wakes up.

But, when she does,

I reckon she's going to consider Rachel for that job after all.

Please say this isn't happening!

Oh, bollocks!

Dad, don't promise ice cream and not...

Shh!

What?!

Oh, my God! What's going on?

-It's Dale, he's kidnapped Nina!

-Dale!

Yeah, it's a fail-safe business technique I learned in China.

Step one - put your intended business partner

in a room with a bag over their head.

Step two - they'll pretty much do anything you want.

Like give you the job of your dreams.

You kidnapped Nina for me?

You're welcome, Mom.

Now, we'll get to negotiations just as soon as the chloroform wears off.

Chloroform?!

-Yeah.

-Dale, we could go to prison! Kidnapping is illegal!

Well, not if it's for business purposes.

Yes, it's still exactly as illegal.

Pretty sure you're wrong about that, Chief Ken,

because Mr Z, he did kidnappings all the time.

And if that was illegal, that would make him a criminal!

Which he always insisted he wasn't.

Dale, you have done a very bad thing here, do you understand?

-A very, very bad thing!

-Ken? Is that you?

Yes, it was definitely you.

I'd know your voice anywhere.

Oh...

Yes.

Hi?

Oh, God, where are we?

Ken, have they kidnapped you too?

Yes.

I've been kidnapped too.

I don't know by whom,

or why,

but... Oh!

MUFFLED: Ah! I'm being dragged away now, Nina!

I'm being dragged away now!

-They're dragging me out now!

-Ken?!

-ON MONITOR:

-'Ken!'

-You're insane! You're insane!

Chief Ken, I've got all covered. Look.

'..if you touch a hair on his head...!'

It's vital to track negotiations at all times.

I improvised with Sid's baby monitor! How neat is that?

It is very far from neat.

What the hell are we going to do?

-Dale, what sort of business did Mr Z run exactly?

-All sorts.

-Clubs, casinos, security services to local businesses.

-Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, and he shipped a hell of a lot of poppy extract!

Dale, I think Mr Z may have been a gangster.

Right.

And I suppose Chun Pat was a gangster too, and Sen Yi?

And all my fun Triad buddies?

You are shitting me!

I'm not shitting you.

-BEN:

-Ken, addendum RE: the chocolate ices,

almond ones are still a no-go,

-but I'd say a big yes to one of the mini ones...

-Ben, shut up!

Dale's kidnapped Nina, she's tied up and drugged in our garage.

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, you got me!

NINA: 'Help!

'Tell my children I love them!'

WAILS

Oh, my God, this is a crime!

I'm implicated.

The Law Society will be furious!

I need to get out of here.

Ben, stay.

OK, I'll stay.

We need to come up with a plan here, people.

Golly gosh, Chief Ken, if you're so worried about it,

-I can just take Nina back.

-Nina thinks I've been kidnapped too!

If you take her back,

-the first person the police will investigate is me!

-For what?

-It's not like we're doing anything illegal, guys.

-It IS illegal!

-DYLAN:

-All right, losers?

-NINA: 'Help! Help!'

-Dale kidnapped Nina for me.

-That is extreme.

Cool.

-Right, well, I'll be in my room.

-Get back here!

We need to decide what to do, otherwise Dale is going to prison,

and Ben and I are going to lose our livelihoods.

Imagine not being a lawyer! I can't, I really can't!

DOORBELL

Oh, it's you.

-What do you want?

-Just being a friendly neighbour, Ken.

We've had some complaints, a woman was heard wailing.

Clearly audible from behind those bushes over there.

-And who was listening from the bushes?

-I can't divulge my sources.

Seriously, Ken, what's happening? (Is it Lorna?)

-NINA:

-'..untie me from this chair!'

-Yes.

-Say no more.

Bit of 50 Shades in the garage, huh?

Nothing could be more natural. Or beautiful.

-Can I...?

-No.

-I didn't finish.

-You're going to ask if you could watch.

-I was.

Can I...?

'You won't get away with this!

'You mark my words, you won't get away with this!'

Right.

We have to shut her up.

NINA SCREAMS

Oh, Ken, thank God!

Oh, Ken, what did they do to you?

-RACHEL, AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Be quiet there, mate.

-BEN, AUSTRALIAN:

-You bloody stay there,

otherwise I'll put you on the barbie, ya cockatoos.

OK, one of them's Australian, and the other, I just have no idea.

Where are we?

It's impossible to say.

Stop complaining, you pommy bastard!

Or I'll put you on the barbie, you cockatoos.

OK, Ken, look, just don't provoke him, OK?

Please, what do you want from us?

Why are we here?

You must have taken us hostage for a reason?

OK, this is the way I see it -

me and my very good friend Nina here are trapped,

so why don't you go and talk amongst yourselves

and decide on how we can resolve the situation, yeah?

-NORMAL:

-Oh, good plan, Ken! Erm...

-AUSTRALIAN:

-I mean...

Bonza!

Jeepers, Ken.

I don't know how you remain so brave and masterful.

I mean, that was like you were giving them orders.

Nina, you can't show them any fear.

That is the first rule of being kidnapped

by enigmatic terrorist vigilantes.

OK, well, they've left us alone now, and that was their first mistake,

cos we can talk, right?

So, I would say...

I think we're in the garage of a suburban house.

-Or a lock-up, or a bunker. Let's not jump to conclusions.

-Hmm...

Unlikely. I mean, look, there's a ripper skateboard there.

My Neil's got one of those.

No, my guess would be

we're in a family home where there's a son about Neil's age.

Stop guessing, Nina!

OK? It's a trap!

Everything in here is designed to make us

think what they want us to think.

Believe nothing.

Trust no-one.

Ugh!

OK, so far, we have three ideas.

Number one - convince Nina this is all a dream.

-That one's my favourite.

-Number two -

something about fridges.

Yeah, no, that never really developed.

Number three - kill ourselves and frame her for the murder.

-Yeah, thanks, Dylan.

-It's not all mine. I saw it on CSI.

-TEXT MESSAGE

-Oh, Zoe. Laters!

-Dylan, where are you going?

Seeing Zoe? Got nine shags to go.

So, I have an idea, but you're not going to like it. Go on, then.

What if we hand Dale into the police and he takes the rap for everything?

Wow! That's great idea!

I knew there was a way out, you brainy box!

Good job, buddy. I'll just go to jail. How long will I be there?

Five, ten years?

I'll be out before you can say lickety-split!

Dale, you do not want to go to jail.

You know what happens to athletic young men in jail.

Are they made to do gymnastics? Because I LOVE gymnastics!

So it's sorted then!

Dale, when you give yourself up, make sure that you say that you take

-absolutely all the blame for everything, OK?

-No, stop, OK.

-There has to be another way.

-Dale is fine with it. OK?

Now, I'm just going to make a little call...

Rachel, I know it's hard.

But you will thank me when Dale is in jail

and we are not in jail. OK.

Quick, stop him!

Quick! Dale!

Ben, I know this is tough, but you do understand, don't you? Yeah?

Sorry, buddy, had to do it.

BABY CRIES

Why is that baby crying?

What are they doing to it?

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE BABY?!

-It's probably nothing.

We just need to be quiet and...

maybe, in our hearts,

start to think about forgiving our captors.

This could be the end, Ken.

I'd like to thank you for being here with me.

-I mean, I had no choice.

-No, no, you have been wonderful.

'In fact, I've got a confession to make. It's about Rachel.'

I didn't mind that Rachel got her application in late.

Oh, well, that's excellent news!

No, no, to be honest,

'she just wasn't really good enough for the job.

'I mean, you know, this is a very prestigious position.'

We were looking for go-getters, and Rachel skipped university

and hasn't really done much

'but sit on her arse ever since.'

'You know, we were hoping for a certain standard of applicant,'

and she is very far off it!

Yeah. Yeah, must be nice to get that out in the open.

Oh, wow.

I'm so sorry, Rach.

No, it's OK.

God, look at us!

You thinking you were a businessman, and me

thinking I had any kind of a future when it's already past rescuing.

Couple of idiots.

Oh, look, that must've come out the bag the kidnappers put on my head.

A receipt? I wouldn't bother with that.

No, it's fine, I can read it from here.

"One pair of cherry red trousers, 44" waist."

Yeah.

-That is quite interesting.

-That sounds like your trousers.

What trousers?

The ones you're wearing.

-Well, that's...

-It's odd that the kidnappers would use your shopping bag.

Unless we're in your house?

Ken, I think this is your garage.

Nina, this is not my garage.

Ken, what is going on?

Nina, this is NOT my garage.

This is not my bloody garage, Nina!

I swear... DOOR OPENS

Ken, it's Lorna!

What are you doing tied up there, you drombats?

Ken, this IS your garage! YOU kidnapped me!

Wrong, Nina!

-Really wrong!

-Rachel?

Yeah, Nina, maybe my CV is rubbish, but you said I'm not a go-getter.

Well, how go-getting's this?

-I kidnapped you.

-What?!

I had to get your attention somehow.

And if taking you hostage is what it takes for you to

consider my application, well, yeah, I don't regret it.

Rachel, kidnapping is a crime.

Yes. Kidnapping IS a crime.

It's happening to women and children in North Korea, Nepal...

Erm... Somalia...

-Haiti.

-Haiti.

And we should be fighting it!

Because, sometimes, to fight a crime,

you have got to commit a crime yourself!

Oh-ho, yes!

That is a beautiful thought!

Give me that job, or bloody hell,

I'll just had to keep kidnapping you until you do!

OK, Rachel,

I'm having a hard time processing your logic.

-Yeah, I get that.

-But, erm...

I loved it.

I think that is the bravest job request I've ever had.

You've got the job! Ha-ha!

-Great!

-Hell, yeah!

Yes! Wow, Ken, I bet you were along with this all along, weren't you?

I might have been.

I definitely was!

Untie me, now.

Do you know what, I always thought

you were a bit more of a comedian than an actor, but you're both.

Yeah, group hug!

Come on! Aw!

I told you it'd work, Chief Ken.

Wow.

So I spent six months furthering the interests

-of an international criminal organisation?

-Yeah.

God, it must make you rethink your whole China experience, eh?

Everything you did.

Everyone you met?

Yeah.

Well, except for Ling. I remain as in love with her as ever!

Hello, you two.

Hey, Chief Ken.

I've been doing some research.

Turns out you were right about that Triads thing.

I was fairly sure.

It's such a shame.

I'll miss having a vocation in life.

Dale, Ken and I have had a chat.

Thing is, I could do with some help looking after Sid.

And you clearly can't be trusted on your own, so...

-So we thought, how do you fancy being Sid's nanny?

-Aw!

-A nanny? Is that a real job?

-Sure it is.

You'd live with me and Lorn, just like you do now,

and you'd help me take care of my darling heir and shit factory.

Wow!

That's amazing! How much would I earn?

50 quid a week?

50 quids a week?

-No way! I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!

-BABY CRIES

There you go, you can start now.

Roger that, Chief.

Oh, Dale?

You can do the night shift as well. I'll get some kip.

I'll stay up all night!

This is going to be like a sleepover, except I'm totally alone!

Goodnight, guys!

Dad, 50 quid?

Yeah, you are a tight stink.

Shit!

Did anyone untie Ben?