The Application Cuckoo


The Application

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ooh, Dr Lucy Worsley! Ooh, interesting!

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Go away, David Starkey!

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Go away!

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You have no place here.

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BABY CRIES

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Ugh, you're joking.

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You jammy cow.

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Henry Tudor ascended to the throne, his Yorkish bride at his side.

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And that is Ken Thompson's world-famous history,

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The War Of The Roses.

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Any comment from you?

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Any insightful analysis? BABY CRIES

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No? Oh, God, here we go.

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Why paternity leave? Why?!

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Oh!

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Hello...

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Yes, I do deserve them.

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Raaaarghh!!!

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Hi, Ben.

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Sorry, today's going very slowly.

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Still upset about Dale?

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You pined for him for ages, and then he came back,

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head over heels in love with someone else.

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I wasn't thinking about that, actually, but thanks for the reminder.

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No problemo!

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And, prepare for your day to be turned around -

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because someone is getting a promotion.

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-It's you!

-A promotion?

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But, Ben, I never applied for anything!

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OK, so, Cathy is retiring as office manager,

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and Jane wanted a settled, mother-hen-type figure for the office.

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I looked her straight in the eyes and I said,

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"Rachel. The mother-hen you want is Rachel."

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OK, Ben, I didn't ask...

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Almost 8k more, and there's a guaranteed 12-month

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full maternity cover, should you ever, you know, want to settle down.

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With someone.

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So, what do you think?

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-RACHEL SOBS

-Rachel, please, please stop crying!

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It's unfathomable!

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I'm interesting, Ben!

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I've seen the world!

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I've read Paulo Coelho!

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I do not want to be an office manager!

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But you're an office assistant. It's the way the world works.

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I'd imagine that Paulo Coelho was an assistant...

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inspirational novelist!

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But what if I need more with my life, Ben?

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Are we talking a sideways move into HR?

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No!

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No, but don't dismiss it out of hand,

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it's got great career progression!

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Dale?

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When you were a businessman, what area were you in, exactly?

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Well, my boss, Mr Z, insisted on secrecy in all his dealings.

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A little quirk of his!

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But I was across a few areas.

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Client facing, results oriented.

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Sorry if I'm bamboozling you with all this jargon!

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Well, I must say, it all sounds very impressive.

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-Hey, guys.

-Oh, Mom, you're home!

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-How was your day?

-Yeah, fine.

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I hope you're hungry.

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It's di shui dong ribs with braised eggplant.

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-Oh, sounds tasty.

-Always Ling's favourite.

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Yeah, I'll probably just have it in my room.

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Something's up with Mom.

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I mean, ever since I got back from China,

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she seems to be acting really cold towards me.

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Well...

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It can be hard, can't it?

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Getting reacquainted with people you've had a thing with?

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Oh, well, yes, but not in this instance.

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You see, before I went away, Rachel told me

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it was wrong that I was in love with her.

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So now I've found love with Ling - who is amazing, by the way -

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my friendship with Rachel should be blossoming as never before.

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Hello, my family.

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Oh, someone's had a nice day. Sid on good form?

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Sidney was his usual truculent self.

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But Daddy has found something to put a spring in his step.

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Really? What's that?

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Ooh!

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Tasty!

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Ruby red and bright as a button,

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a colourful trouser for a happy fellow.

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Who is this jaunty gentleman,

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peacocking his way around the Lichfield scene?

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Why, it is I, Kenneth!

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-You're having a mid-life crisis.

-Oh, shut up.

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Feast your eyes on the rich and velvety material.

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Wow, are those traditional costume, Ken?

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Yes, Dale, as traditionally worn by Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!

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-I'm a shining star of manhood.

-I'll burn them.

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You'll have to burn my legs, then, cos they're not coming off.

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Ha-ha, you did it, Dad, you brought twat to the next level.

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You bellend!

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-Hey, can I have a lift?

-No. Where you going?

-Seeing Zoe.

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It's a week till she goes to uni, I think I can get to ten more shags.

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But I have to see her every day. Mum, lift?

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All right, for young love.

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-RACHEL:

-Guys!

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Oh, God, it's like an omen!

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Practically the first job to come up, and it is perfect!

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Since when are you looking for a job?

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Since I realised I couldn't spend another day in that office full of deadbeats.

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-That would be my office then.

-Yep!

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There's a new position at this ace human rights charity,

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-the Pegasus Alliance.

-Oh, Nina runs that!

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Yes, that's Nina's. She speaks of it relentlessly.

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I'm going to make start on the application now.

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Oh, yes! Food!

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-There you go, Mom.

-Lovely, thank you. Delicious.

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-Oh, nice trousers!

-I thank you.

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-Give 'em me.

-Never!

-You know I'm going to burn them.

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-You are not going to burn them.

-Ken, I cannot see them, I cannot...

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Ignore her! I am the red-pantalooned Pied Piper of all women!

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Oh!

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Rachel, that is hands down

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the most moving job application I've ever read.

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I mean, your desolate days after Cuckoo died,

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your nights of sleepless crying?

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I don't know if I'm ever going to be happy again.

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I really appreciate that, guys.

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I mean, I did put my heart and soul into it, so...

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Chief Ken, you have to read Rachel's job application, it'll change your life.

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-Oh!

-It's the saddest book I've ever read.

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And I've read five books.

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Really?! That good, is it?

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Any criticism, however small, is gratefully received, so...

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OK, let's have a look.

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It's quite full-on.

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Yeah.

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-How long is it till the deadline?

-Midnight.

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Four hours? That's...

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That's not enough time!

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That's not enough time!

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TYPING

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OK, quarter of an hour to go. Come on, hand it in!

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Ken, how could it possibly need this much work?

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Don't blame me, I'm not the one who wrote

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a job application in the style of Angela's Ashes.

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-Dad, it says they're looking for someone creative.

-Don't be so naive.

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Creative means, "Will take less money if they're allowed to wear jeans".

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There. It's ready, your dad has saved the day.

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"I have good organisation and experience of Excel."

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Ooh, this one's good too!

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Budge up, I'm just going to upload it onto their server.

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And...send.

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OK, why isn't it sending?

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Send!

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Dad, why isn't it sending?

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Well, hang on...

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-Send it!

-I'll do it...

-What's wrong with this robot?

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-Three...

-It's frozen. For God's sake!

-Two...

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-One!

-Come on!

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Midnight!

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Oh, thank God!

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Ah, there we are! Well done, love!

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Well done. Close though!

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That was close.

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NOTIFICATION BEEP

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"The deadline passed at midnight on the 21st,

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"we are no longer considering applications"?

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-What?!

-Bollocks!

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Oh, fuck you!

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Oh, well, thanks a bunch, Dad! That really helped(!)

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What?

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-No way was that my fault.

-Oh, Jesus, Ken.

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-KNOCKING

-Go away.

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Hey, it's just Dale.

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-You OK?

-I don't get it, Dale.

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Three years and not one thing has gone right for me.

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Am I cursed or something?

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That is quite the run of bad luck, huh?

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First, your husband died in the Himalayas,

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then the website froze. It's a double whammy.

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Close the door on your way out, OK?

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Yeah, will do.

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Hey, you know what Mr Z used to say when a business decision

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-or something didn't go his way?

-No.

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SPEAKS CHINESE

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Oh, it means, "The harder the battle, the more brave the men become."

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Dale, I don't know who's told you you're a businessman, but as far

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as I can tell, all you seem to do is wear a suit and sunglasses.

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Indoors!

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I know, I have skills. I can help you.

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No.

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Unless you can make Nina take a late submission for this job, you can't.

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You try your best to help them, and what thanks do you get?

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Sid's the most direct, he just goes ahead and defecates on me.

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Poor Rach.

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First, Dale comes back, mooning over some other girl, then this job.

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She was really excited about it.

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I know.

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In many ways, that job was her red trousers.

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What sort of an evil witch denies a person their red trousers?

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I can turn this round. I'll go and see Nina tomorrow.

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See if the old Thompson silver tongue can persuade her.

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-You vomited on her.

-That was ages ago.

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You punched her in the face.

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-You completely ruined their Christmas concert.

-Yes, all right.

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They were more recent.

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But you're forgetting that in a previous, more pleasant life,

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I was one of Lichfield's finest lawyers.

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-A professional in the art of persuasion.

-Ooh!

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What are you going to persuade me to do?

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Hmm, well,

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-I can think of a few things.

-Good!

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Well, tell me about them in the morning.

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-Lorna, that's not fair, you started that!

-I know.

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Sometimes I'm all talk.

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-KNOCKING

-Come in!

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Ken!

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Nina!

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-And baby!

-Yes!

-Aw!

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Erm...

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Oh, golly gosh! Look at your trousers, wow!

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Getting a lot of trouble from bulls?

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-I don't know yet, I've been avoiding the bull farm!

-The bull farm!

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-Please do sit.

-May I?

-Yes, please.

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There we are.

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So, I haven't seen you since you ruined the Christmas concert.

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Oh, Nina, I am so sorry about the concert.

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And, of course, about the punch and...

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you know, the vomit.

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-You're forgiven. I'm not the sort of person who carries grudges.

-Aw!

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So, what do you want? I imagine I will grant it.

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Well, Rachel was making an application for the job at your charity.

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And - it's a funny story, actually...

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Ah-ha. Erm...

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She tried to send it last night online,

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and, Gordon Bennett, your website was frozen. It wouldn't send!

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-Oh, shame, so she missed the deadline?

-Yes.

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But I thought, never mind, print off a hard copy and just bring it in.

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Sometimes the old-fashioned ways are the best.

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Ken, no, I'm sorry,

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-I couldn't accept an application past the deadline.

-Oh.

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Oh, no, she tried to make the deadline, so...

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No, yes, well -

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I couldn't give Rachel special treatment, you know.

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Everyone knows how close we are.

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-Do they?

-Yes, they do, Ken.

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No, I'm sorry, it would be immoral of me to read it.

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Oh, Nina...

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(Who would know?)

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I would know, Ken.

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OK.

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OK, well.

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It's there, if you change your mind.

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No, I won't!

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-I'm pretty sure you will.

-I won't. Bye-bye.

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Hmm...

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-You might!

-I won't.

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Aw.

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SIGHS

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Dad?

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-Ooh, I like those trousers, Ken, Lord, I do!

-Of course you do.

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-Mind if I buy a similar pair?

-Yes, I mind.

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-Do not.

-So, how'd it go?

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Bad news, I'm afraid, love.

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Nina was completely unreasonable.

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Oh, well.

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Thank you, universe(!)

0:13:350:13:37

Oh, love.

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Listen,

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I probably just caught her on a bad day.

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It'll be all right, I'll have another word with her.

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Hey, listen - how about I put Sid down,

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then I go and get us some Magnum out the freezer?

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Huh? Go on, then.

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Ben, do you want one?

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Plain chocolate, please, Ken, the almond ones give me hives.

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HE WHISTLES

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(What the f...?)

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(Chief Ken!)

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(Hey!)

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A little something I'm doing for Rachel.

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It's Nina!

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What have you done, you lunatic?!

0:14:310:14:35

It's going to be a while before she wakes up.

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But, when she does,

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I reckon she's going to consider Rachel for that job after all.

0:14:390:14:42

Please say this isn't happening!

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Oh, bollocks!

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Dad, don't promise ice cream and not...

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Shh!

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What?!

0:14:570:14:58

Oh, my God! What's going on?

0:14:580:14:59

-It's Dale, he's kidnapped Nina!

-Dale!

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Yeah, it's a fail-safe business technique I learned in China.

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Step one - put your intended business partner

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in a room with a bag over their head.

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Step two - they'll pretty much do anything you want.

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Like give you the job of your dreams.

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You kidnapped Nina for me?

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You're welcome, Mom.

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Now, we'll get to negotiations just as soon as the chloroform wears off.

0:15:180:15:22

Chloroform?!

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-Yeah.

-Dale, we could go to prison! Kidnapping is illegal!

0:15:230:15:27

Well, not if it's for business purposes.

0:15:270:15:28

Yes, it's still exactly as illegal.

0:15:280:15:31

Pretty sure you're wrong about that, Chief Ken,

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because Mr Z, he did kidnappings all the time.

0:15:330:15:35

And if that was illegal, that would make him a criminal!

0:15:350:15:38

Which he always insisted he wasn't.

0:15:380:15:40

Dale, you have done a very bad thing here, do you understand?

0:15:400:15:44

-A very, very bad thing!

-Ken? Is that you?

0:15:440:15:48

Yes, it was definitely you.

0:15:490:15:51

I'd know your voice anywhere.

0:15:510:15:53

Oh...

0:15:540:15:55

Yes.

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Hi?

0:15:580:15:59

Oh, God, where are we?

0:15:590:16:01

Ken, have they kidnapped you too?

0:16:010:16:03

Yes.

0:16:030:16:05

I've been kidnapped too.

0:16:050:16:07

I don't know by whom,

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or why,

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but... Oh!

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MUFFLED: Ah! I'm being dragged away now, Nina!

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I'm being dragged away now!

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-They're dragging me out now!

-Ken?!

0:16:170:16:19

-ON MONITOR:

-'Ken!'

-You're insane! You're insane!

0:16:190:16:21

Chief Ken, I've got all covered. Look.

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'..if you touch a hair on his head...!'

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It's vital to track negotiations at all times.

0:16:250:16:28

I improvised with Sid's baby monitor! How neat is that?

0:16:280:16:32

It is very far from neat.

0:16:320:16:35

What the hell are we going to do?

0:16:350:16:36

-Dale, what sort of business did Mr Z run exactly?

-All sorts.

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-Clubs, casinos, security services to local businesses.

-Oh, my God.

0:16:400:16:44

Oh, yeah, and he shipped a hell of a lot of poppy extract!

0:16:440:16:47

Dale, I think Mr Z may have been a gangster.

0:16:470:16:50

Right.

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And I suppose Chun Pat was a gangster too, and Sen Yi?

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And all my fun Triad buddies?

0:16:540:16:56

You are shitting me!

0:16:560:16:58

I'm not shitting you.

0:16:580:16:59

-BEN:

-Ken, addendum RE: the chocolate ices,

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almond ones are still a no-go,

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-but I'd say a big yes to one of the mini ones...

-Ben, shut up!

0:17:030:17:06

Dale's kidnapped Nina, she's tied up and drugged in our garage.

0:17:060:17:10

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, you got me!

0:17:100:17:12

NINA: 'Help!

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'Tell my children I love them!'

0:17:130:17:15

WAILS

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Oh, my God, this is a crime!

0:17:170:17:19

I'm implicated.

0:17:190:17:20

The Law Society will be furious!

0:17:200:17:22

I need to get out of here.

0:17:220:17:24

Ben, stay.

0:17:240:17:25

OK, I'll stay.

0:17:250:17:26

We need to come up with a plan here, people.

0:17:260:17:28

Golly gosh, Chief Ken, if you're so worried about it,

0:17:280:17:31

-I can just take Nina back.

-Nina thinks I've been kidnapped too!

0:17:310:17:34

If you take her back,

0:17:340:17:35

-the first person the police will investigate is me!

-For what?

0:17:350:17:38

-It's not like we're doing anything illegal, guys.

-It IS illegal!

0:17:380:17:42

-DYLAN:

-All right, losers?

-NINA: 'Help! Help!'

0:17:420:17:45

-Dale kidnapped Nina for me.

-That is extreme.

0:17:450:17:48

Cool.

0:17:480:17:49

-Right, well, I'll be in my room.

-Get back here!

0:17:490:17:52

We need to decide what to do, otherwise Dale is going to prison,

0:17:520:17:55

and Ben and I are going to lose our livelihoods.

0:17:550:17:57

Imagine not being a lawyer! I can't, I really can't!

0:17:570:17:59

DOORBELL

0:17:590:18:02

Oh, it's you.

0:18:070:18:09

-What do you want?

-Just being a friendly neighbour, Ken.

0:18:090:18:12

We've had some complaints, a woman was heard wailing.

0:18:120:18:16

Clearly audible from behind those bushes over there.

0:18:160:18:19

-And who was listening from the bushes?

-I can't divulge my sources.

0:18:190:18:23

Seriously, Ken, what's happening? (Is it Lorna?)

0:18:230:18:27

-NINA:

-'..untie me from this chair!'

0:18:270:18:29

-Yes.

-Say no more.

0:18:290:18:30

Bit of 50 Shades in the garage, huh?

0:18:300:18:33

Nothing could be more natural. Or beautiful.

0:18:330:18:36

-Can I...?

-No.

0:18:360:18:38

-I didn't finish.

-You're going to ask if you could watch.

-I was.

0:18:380:18:40

Can I...?

0:18:400:18:41

'You won't get away with this!

0:18:410:18:43

'You mark my words, you won't get away with this!'

0:18:430:18:45

Right.

0:18:450:18:47

We have to shut her up.

0:18:470:18:48

NINA SCREAMS

0:18:480:18:50

Oh, Ken, thank God!

0:18:530:18:55

Oh, Ken, what did they do to you?

0:18:550:18:56

-RACHEL, AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Be quiet there, mate.

0:18:560:18:59

-BEN, AUSTRALIAN:

-You bloody stay there,

0:18:590:19:01

otherwise I'll put you on the barbie, ya cockatoos.

0:19:010:19:04

OK, one of them's Australian, and the other, I just have no idea.

0:19:040:19:08

Where are we?

0:19:090:19:10

It's impossible to say.

0:19:100:19:12

Stop complaining, you pommy bastard!

0:19:120:19:14

Or I'll put you on the barbie, you cockatoos.

0:19:140:19:19

OK, Ken, look, just don't provoke him, OK?

0:19:190:19:22

Please, what do you want from us?

0:19:220:19:24

Why are we here?

0:19:270:19:28

You must have taken us hostage for a reason?

0:19:320:19:34

OK, this is the way I see it -

0:19:380:19:40

me and my very good friend Nina here are trapped,

0:19:400:19:43

so why don't you go and talk amongst yourselves

0:19:430:19:46

and decide on how we can resolve the situation, yeah?

0:19:460:19:49

-NORMAL:

-Oh, good plan, Ken! Erm...

0:19:490:19:51

-AUSTRALIAN:

-I mean...

0:19:510:19:53

Bonza!

0:19:530:19:54

Jeepers, Ken.

0:19:590:20:01

I don't know how you remain so brave and masterful.

0:20:010:20:04

I mean, that was like you were giving them orders.

0:20:040:20:06

Nina, you can't show them any fear.

0:20:060:20:08

That is the first rule of being kidnapped

0:20:080:20:10

by enigmatic terrorist vigilantes.

0:20:100:20:11

OK, well, they've left us alone now, and that was their first mistake,

0:20:110:20:14

cos we can talk, right?

0:20:140:20:17

So, I would say...

0:20:170:20:19

I think we're in the garage of a suburban house.

0:20:190:20:23

-Or a lock-up, or a bunker. Let's not jump to conclusions.

-Hmm...

0:20:230:20:27

Unlikely. I mean, look, there's a ripper skateboard there.

0:20:270:20:29

My Neil's got one of those.

0:20:290:20:31

No, my guess would be

0:20:310:20:34

we're in a family home where there's a son about Neil's age.

0:20:340:20:39

Stop guessing, Nina!

0:20:390:20:40

OK? It's a trap!

0:20:400:20:42

Everything in here is designed to make us

0:20:420:20:44

think what they want us to think.

0:20:440:20:46

Believe nothing.

0:20:460:20:48

Trust no-one.

0:20:480:20:49

Ugh!

0:20:510:20:52

OK, so far, we have three ideas.

0:20:550:20:57

Number one - convince Nina this is all a dream.

0:20:570:20:59

-That one's my favourite.

-Number two -

0:20:590:21:01

something about fridges.

0:21:010:21:03

Yeah, no, that never really developed.

0:21:030:21:05

Number three - kill ourselves and frame her for the murder.

0:21:050:21:07

-Yeah, thanks, Dylan.

-It's not all mine. I saw it on CSI.

-TEXT MESSAGE

0:21:070:21:10

-Oh, Zoe. Laters!

-Dylan, where are you going?

0:21:100:21:13

Seeing Zoe? Got nine shags to go.

0:21:130:21:16

So, I have an idea, but you're not going to like it. Go on, then.

0:21:160:21:20

What if we hand Dale into the police and he takes the rap for everything?

0:21:200:21:25

Wow! That's great idea!

0:21:270:21:29

I knew there was a way out, you brainy box!

0:21:290:21:31

Good job, buddy. I'll just go to jail. How long will I be there?

0:21:310:21:35

Five, ten years?

0:21:350:21:37

I'll be out before you can say lickety-split!

0:21:370:21:39

Dale, you do not want to go to jail.

0:21:390:21:41

You know what happens to athletic young men in jail.

0:21:410:21:45

Are they made to do gymnastics? Because I LOVE gymnastics!

0:21:450:21:48

So it's sorted then!

0:21:480:21:50

Dale, when you give yourself up, make sure that you say that you take

0:21:500:21:53

-absolutely all the blame for everything, OK?

-No, stop, OK.

0:21:530:21:56

-There has to be another way.

-Dale is fine with it. OK?

0:21:560:22:01

Now, I'm just going to make a little call...

0:22:010:22:03

Rachel, I know it's hard.

0:22:030:22:07

But you will thank me when Dale is in jail

0:22:070:22:10

and we are not in jail. OK.

0:22:100:22:12

Quick, stop him!

0:22:120:22:14

Quick! Dale!

0:22:140:22:15

Ben, I know this is tough, but you do understand, don't you? Yeah?

0:22:170:22:21

Sorry, buddy, had to do it.

0:22:210:22:23

BABY CRIES

0:22:280:22:30

Why is that baby crying?

0:22:300:22:32

What are they doing to it?

0:22:320:22:34

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE BABY?!

-It's probably nothing.

0:22:340:22:36

We just need to be quiet and...

0:22:360:22:38

maybe, in our hearts,

0:22:380:22:40

start to think about forgiving our captors.

0:22:400:22:43

This could be the end, Ken.

0:22:430:22:44

I'd like to thank you for being here with me.

0:22:440:22:48

-I mean, I had no choice.

-No, no, you have been wonderful.

0:22:480:22:54

'In fact, I've got a confession to make. It's about Rachel.'

0:22:540:22:59

I didn't mind that Rachel got her application in late.

0:22:590:23:02

Oh, well, that's excellent news!

0:23:020:23:05

No, no, to be honest,

0:23:050:23:07

'she just wasn't really good enough for the job.

0:23:070:23:09

'I mean, you know, this is a very prestigious position.'

0:23:090:23:12

We were looking for go-getters, and Rachel skipped university

0:23:120:23:16

and hasn't really done much

0:23:160:23:17

'but sit on her arse ever since.'

0:23:170:23:19

'You know, we were hoping for a certain standard of applicant,'

0:23:190:23:23

and she is very far off it!

0:23:230:23:25

Yeah. Yeah, must be nice to get that out in the open.

0:23:300:23:33

Oh, wow.

0:23:370:23:38

I'm so sorry, Rach.

0:23:400:23:42

No, it's OK.

0:23:420:23:44

God, look at us!

0:23:440:23:47

You thinking you were a businessman, and me

0:23:470:23:50

thinking I had any kind of a future when it's already past rescuing.

0:23:500:23:54

Couple of idiots.

0:23:570:23:58

Oh, look, that must've come out the bag the kidnappers put on my head.

0:24:030:24:08

A receipt? I wouldn't bother with that.

0:24:080:24:10

No, it's fine, I can read it from here.

0:24:100:24:13

"One pair of cherry red trousers, 44" waist."

0:24:130:24:18

Yeah.

0:24:180:24:20

-That is quite interesting.

-That sounds like your trousers.

0:24:200:24:23

What trousers?

0:24:230:24:24

The ones you're wearing.

0:24:240:24:26

-Well, that's...

-It's odd that the kidnappers would use your shopping bag.

0:24:260:24:31

Unless we're in your house?

0:24:310:24:33

Ken, I think this is your garage.

0:24:350:24:39

Nina, this is not my garage.

0:24:390:24:41

Ken, what is going on?

0:24:420:24:44

Nina, this is NOT my garage.

0:24:440:24:47

This is not my bloody garage, Nina!

0:24:480:24:51

I swear... DOOR OPENS

0:24:510:24:54

Ken, it's Lorna!

0:25:060:25:08

What are you doing tied up there, you drombats?

0:25:080:25:10

Ken, this IS your garage! YOU kidnapped me!

0:25:100:25:13

Wrong, Nina!

0:25:140:25:17

-Really wrong!

-Rachel?

0:25:170:25:19

Yeah, Nina, maybe my CV is rubbish, but you said I'm not a go-getter.

0:25:190:25:25

Well, how go-getting's this?

0:25:250:25:27

-I kidnapped you.

-What?!

0:25:270:25:29

I had to get your attention somehow.

0:25:290:25:31

And if taking you hostage is what it takes for you to

0:25:310:25:33

consider my application, well, yeah, I don't regret it.

0:25:330:25:36

Rachel, kidnapping is a crime.

0:25:360:25:40

Yes. Kidnapping IS a crime.

0:25:400:25:42

It's happening to women and children in North Korea, Nepal...

0:25:420:25:48

Erm... Somalia...

0:25:480:25:51

-Haiti.

-Haiti.

0:25:510:25:52

And we should be fighting it!

0:25:520:25:55

Because, sometimes, to fight a crime,

0:25:550:25:58

you have got to commit a crime yourself!

0:25:580:26:00

Oh-ho, yes!

0:26:000:26:01

That is a beautiful thought!

0:26:010:26:04

Give me that job, or bloody hell,

0:26:040:26:06

I'll just had to keep kidnapping you until you do!

0:26:060:26:09

OK, Rachel,

0:26:090:26:10

I'm having a hard time processing your logic.

0:26:100:26:13

-Yeah, I get that.

-But, erm...

0:26:130:26:15

I loved it.

0:26:170:26:18

I think that is the bravest job request I've ever had.

0:26:200:26:24

You've got the job! Ha-ha!

0:26:250:26:27

-Great!

-Hell, yeah!

0:26:270:26:28

Yes! Wow, Ken, I bet you were along with this all along, weren't you?

0:26:310:26:34

I might have been.

0:26:340:26:35

I definitely was!

0:26:350:26:38

Untie me, now.

0:26:380:26:39

Do you know what, I always thought

0:26:390:26:41

you were a bit more of a comedian than an actor, but you're both.

0:26:410:26:44

Yeah, group hug!

0:26:440:26:46

Come on! Aw!

0:26:460:26:48

I told you it'd work, Chief Ken.

0:26:490:26:51

Wow.

0:26:560:26:57

So I spent six months furthering the interests

0:26:570:26:59

-of an international criminal organisation?

-Yeah.

0:26:590:27:03

God, it must make you rethink your whole China experience, eh?

0:27:040:27:08

Everything you did.

0:27:080:27:10

Everyone you met?

0:27:100:27:12

Yeah.

0:27:120:27:13

Well, except for Ling. I remain as in love with her as ever!

0:27:130:27:16

Hello, you two.

0:27:160:27:17

Hey, Chief Ken.

0:27:170:27:19

I've been doing some research.

0:27:190:27:22

Turns out you were right about that Triads thing.

0:27:220:27:25

I was fairly sure.

0:27:250:27:27

It's such a shame.

0:27:270:27:28

I'll miss having a vocation in life.

0:27:280:27:31

Dale, Ken and I have had a chat.

0:27:310:27:35

Thing is, I could do with some help looking after Sid.

0:27:350:27:38

And you clearly can't be trusted on your own, so...

0:27:380:27:40

-So we thought, how do you fancy being Sid's nanny?

-Aw!

0:27:400:27:43

-A nanny? Is that a real job?

-Sure it is.

0:27:430:27:46

You'd live with me and Lorn, just like you do now,

0:27:460:27:48

and you'd help me take care of my darling heir and shit factory.

0:27:480:27:52

Wow!

0:27:520:27:53

That's amazing! How much would I earn?

0:27:530:27:55

50 quid a week?

0:27:560:27:58

50 quids a week?

0:27:580:27:59

-No way! I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!

-BABY CRIES

0:28:010:28:04

There you go, you can start now.

0:28:040:28:07

Roger that, Chief.

0:28:070:28:09

Oh, Dale?

0:28:090:28:11

You can do the night shift as well. I'll get some kip.

0:28:110:28:14

I'll stay up all night!

0:28:140:28:16

This is going to be like a sleepover, except I'm totally alone!

0:28:160:28:20

Goodnight, guys!

0:28:200:28:21

Dad, 50 quid?

0:28:230:28:25

Yeah, you are a tight stink.

0:28:250:28:26

Shit!

0:28:280:28:29

Did anyone untie Ben?

0:28:290:28:30

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