Mums Group Cuckoo

This programme contains strong language.

Or we could just buy me a hi-fi.

Concentrate.

Sid's going to be spending more time in his baby stroller than anywhere else.

It's like the office was for you when you were a working man.

Ah, yes! Those happy times!

That one with blue on it?

What? The aluminium frame?

Then I don't know, Dale!

What happened to the time when you just chucked them in a pram

and listened to Screamadelica?

Ken!

Jess! Haven't seen you since that time at the hospital.

The time I gave birth! And you...

Yeah, that time, yeah. How's motherhood?

Loving it. And paternity leave?

How does it feel to be a feminist icon?

What can I say? I'm a hero to all women.

THEY LAUGH

Ah, the stroller debate. Marc and I went for that one.

The Jill Cotterill. It's durable, light, turns into a car seat.

Oh, gosh, she's a beauty!

And so this horrific experience draws to a close!

I owe you, Jess.

Don't be silly!

Actually, you know what?

I'm doing this mums' group thing with some of the girls from NCT.

You should come.

Bloke? At a mums' group? Think that might be a bit weird.

And I said to the doctor, "Hey, sonny - what about MY mastitis?"

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Right, cake o'clock, I think.

Don't you shake your head at me, Jenny.

That baby weight is dropping right off and you bloody deserve it!

Excuse me for a second, ladies.

-Cake report.

-This is going to be the best darn coffee cake

those girls have ever tasted!

-Who would have thought that mums' group would be so ace?

-I know!

We get to enjoy all of the fun and gossiping

but we get to avoid the catty infighting.

Oh, by the way, Beth said your fruit cake was dry.

-Prissy little tart!

-Right.

Left the stuff for my meeting!

Ooh! How's your coffee morning going?

Tremendously! Ken has a foolproof system.

-I do.

-I prepare all the food, clean the house and wash up.

Ken is the social face of the operation -

occupying the guests, and checking the food is tasty.

Sounds about right!

Right, now, you wash up. You - come and meet the girls!

So, everyone...

Oh, Ken - busted! Now Laura's going to know about your daytime harem!

HE LAUGHS It's not a harem.

Well, I think we would ALL like to thank you for letting us

borrow him, Laura.

With Marc in Dubai, Ken's the only male company I get!

Well, I hope he's not droning on about history too much!

-You!

-Why would you say that, Laura?

Ken is a fascinating intellect. I hope you appreciate him!

I do. And it's Lorna.

-What's Lorna, Laura?

-My name - it's Lorna.

What? No!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! So embarrassing! Oh, ha-ha!

-Lorna.

-Yeah.

-Lorna.

SHE LAUGHS

Not Laura. Lorna.

OK! Well. Back to work.

THEY CHORTLE

Oh! By the way, save the 25th for Eliza's christening.

Only right you should be there, Ken,

seeing as you were there at liftoff.

-What?

-How do you mean, there at liftoff?

I think what Jess means is we were both at the same hospital

when the babies came. Right, Jess?

Right. Well, so just think about it!

SHE LAUGHS

-She's a head case.

-No, she's OK.

Nope, she's a head case. See you later!

Squeeze Sid for me.

HE SIGHS

Jess. What was that about?

Of course I haven't told Lorna that I was at Eliza's birth!

What? You haven't told her?

No, I haven't told her. Because of you, I missed Sid's birth!

If Lorna finds out, I'll get murdered in my sleep,

so keep it to yourself!

Um...oh. It's a bit weird. I mean, so what?

You held my hand as I gave birth. It was an act of kindness.

Plus you wouldn't let go of my hand, so...

Oh, Ken! I just want to make it clear -

I am happily married to Marc.

So am I! Very happily! Not to Marc. To Laura. Lorna.

Well, OK. So then, just please - tell your wife!

Because whatever problems you and Laura are having,

I just don't want to be a part of them, OK?

Lecture over.

SHE GIGGLES

But...

Ling is thousands of miles away,

so how come our love feels even stronger?

And if love transcends time and space,

perhaps therein lies the secret of the universe.

What do you think, Dyl?

Couldn't give a shit, mate.

Hey. What's that game you're playing on your robot phone?

It's not a game, you bell-end. It's Love Swipe.

Ah, fuck! I just liked a munter.

Love Swipe is a way of finding romantic partners?

No, it's hunting willing snatch. Here, have a look. Right, OK.

So here we have...ah, older woman, 24.

Only 100 or so metres away from us... Rachel!

-That's Mom!

-I flicked right, I flicked right.

These treacherous eyes!

Dylan, are you trying to hook up with me on Love Swipe?

Your photo's like three years old. You look completely different!

Yeah, right. So my face has completely changed

-in three years, has it?

-Mom!

You didn't say you were electronically dating.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd put myself on there.

-You know, see what the fuss was about.

-Oh, phew!

It seems like there's been nobody on the scene since December!

-Yeah. How many dates you been on, Rach?

-In total...

-..none.

-What?

Come on, Mom! Get a move on.

You're not going to find a man mooching about the house!

Unless there are some available guys round here -

and I don't know of any.

Thanks, Dale.

-Phew! Longest day ever!

-Hello.

-Mwah!

-How's our little Sid?

Yeah, he's good. I just put him down.

Well, the Briony and Tim saga continues.

Who's Briony and Tim?

-From work.

-Oh!

Don't you listen to a word I say?

Of course! Your voice is music to me, my love.

-I just sometimes don't concentrate on the lyrics.

-Hah!

So - there's probably something I should tell you. It's no biggy.

And certainly no-one's fault. So promise me you won't over-react.

I will react the exact right amount. What is it?

Well, do you remember when Sid was born?

I think I recall it, yeah.

Well, it's a funny story.

I...I ran into Jess while we were waiting for Sid.

And she grabbed hold of my hand

and she wouldn't let go until she'd given birth.

Which explains why I was late. Why I missed Sid's birth. It's silly!

But like I say, it's no biggy.

No biggy?

No, no biggy.

Is this a biggy?

Jesus Christ, Ken! No biggy!

Come on, Lorn. It's not like it didn't work out all right.

Sid's great. And you're the best wife a man ever...

Oh, shut your face! You have no idea what I was going through,

what it takes to push a thing like that out of your bits!

May I remind you I have seen it three times, actually,

with two different...

-Oh, shit. Lorn!

-Hi, Lorna. Hi, Chief Ken.

-It wasn't my fault.

-Oh, it never is your fault, is it, Ken?

"Whoops, I shot the cat! Whoops, I didn't have a vasectomy!"

Guys. What's happening?

Are Chief Ken and Lorna going to get a divorce?

Oh, no - this happens every couple of years. Believe me, it's worse when they make up.

Dad walking round like he's John Mayer just because he's done it twice in a week.

How's your robot-phone dating going?

Love Swipe is crammed with goons.

Well, I hope you'll give 'em a chance, little Miss Fussy!

Do you? All right, well - how about him? He's quite attractive.

Maybe I should go round to his and have wild sex.

-Be all right with that, would you?

-Absolutely doodle dandy!

-Absolutely doodle dandy.

-All right. There - a match.

-What!

Oh! And he wants to meet now.

I'll just go over there, shall I?

You know, unless anyone has any objections to that?

-No, none here.

-OK. Yeah. See you in the morning, then. Or not!

-OK!

-OK.

I could not be happier for her!

Maybe we should get a super king-size.

That way you can be even further away and even more ridiculous.

Just more comfortable like this.

Lorna, I can't help what happened.

I didn't mean to upset you, but what can I do about it?

Well, here's an idea - you can stop meeting up with Jess.

Ha-ha! Not happening.

OK, if you don't care about my feelings...

What about MY feelings, Lorn?

Jess runs the mums' group, which happens to be my entire social life.

No, I'm sorry - you don't get to veto my friends.

Friends? As if! She's after you!

What? Don't be ridiculous!

"Oh, Ken! What a fascinating intellect, Ken!

"Oh, Ken, hold my hand while I give birth, Ken!"

Get real, Lorn!

I am greying, I'm out of shape and Jess is a young, highly attractive...

Fuck! I didn't mean that!

No, I'm sorry. There is a point of principle here.

I am not backing down on this. Final word.

HE GROANS

OK, OK! you win! I won't see Jess again.

I surrender my dignity at your whim.

Nice to see the patriarchy in action again.

How I love to rule the world.

Now will you please come back to the centre of the bed!

I don't know what you're going on about.

SHE SCREAMS

Right, I am getting a glass of water.

-Hello?

-Hey, how's it kicking? You must be Rachel's...

ancient housemate?

I'm her father.

Father? OK, I'm Freddy. I'm a...new friend of hers.

We met last night, and then we had a...a sleepover.

You know.

-Is this awkward? This feels awkward.

-Let us eat our breakfast in silence.

Yeah.

-Hello.

-Ah, this is Freddy.

Freddy and Rachel went on a date last night.

Interesting. Did he hold hands with another woman while she gave birth?

Oh. Seamless segue! And thank you for airing our personal grievances

in front of our daughter's one-night stand.

I'm not a one-night-stand kind of guy.

Are you going to be boyfriend and girlfriend from now on, are you?

-I mean, I'm not in that place, so...

-Thank you!

-Shit! Rachel actually got laid!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

-You're still here?

-Well, it's breakfast, so...most important meal of the day.

Good morning, my beautiful family!

And complete stranger. Would you like some pancakes?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

You must be a friend of Rachel's?

Ah, sort of. We met last night.

On a date.

Oh, fun. Did you stay the night here?

-Yeah.

-With Rachel?

-Yeah.

-In her bedroom?

-Yes, Dale - we slept together, OK?

-Argh!

Dale!

I am so sorry! I'll get him cleaned up in no time.

-What the hell was that?

-Weird, right?

It must be my training with Mr Xi - I get these crazy reflex reactions.

I think he'll be OK.

-Dale, you were the one who told me to start dating again!

-I know, you should!

Then why punch the first guy I spend the night with? I thought you - I mean - we had made it very clear.

-There's nothing between us.

-Yeah, what are you saying?

You were jealous. Of me and him.

What! I love Ling. See previous conversations.

Well, obviously, there are some suppressed emotions going on here. Maybe deal with them, Dale.

Because I can't have this jealous ex going round the house saying

he's not jealous when he so clearly is.

I don't care either way...so...!

We're going to take our arms into the air, stretching to the side.

Rachel is so wrong!

I mean, me - jealous? No way!

Sure, once I thought her to be my one and only eternal love.

But that was so eight months ago!

Right leg in the air. Really push into that stretch.

-What do you think, Chief Ken?

-Oh, God.

-Chief!

-Yeah, can we talk about this another time.

-Hey!

Oh, no!

Right, as soon as this class finishes, we are leaving.

Keep walking, Dale. Just keep walking, please.

Ken! Ken! KEN!

SHE LAUGHS

Wow, that is some world-class baby yoga leaving there.

Ha-ha! Right. It was great to see you anyway, Jess. Bye, now!

Hey, what are you guys up to this afternoon?

Some of the mums are coming over.

I've made a killer pistachio tart.

Oh, that sounds delicious! Yeah, we have absolutely nothing going on!

Oh, but I'm afraid we do have something going on, don't we?

We've got that thing, Dale. You know that thing we've got to do.

Oh, I get you - THAT thing!

He will just...!

No, Chief Ken, that thing is NEXT Wednesday.

-This afternoon is completely free.

-Great! So come round.

Oh, but I'm sorry, we can't. Get in.

Bye.

Oh, um, which way you headed?

Through town. See you!

You couldn't give me a lift, could you?

It's just, bit worried about Eliza, it's such a hot day

and the sun being SO dangerous for tiny babies.

It's very hot.

Of course.

Great. Oh, isn't he a nice man!

Right. We're dropping her straight off at her house.

And you do not mention this to Lorna. Do you understand?

Are you sure I can't tempt you in? The girls will be round soon.

-I've got eclairs in from Druckers.

-Oh!

-No, can't do it.

Suit yourself. Dale, would you be a sweetheart?

Of course.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Thank you.

Chief Ken, have you gone insane?

That's some of the finest Vienna patisserie in Birmingham!

Lorna says I'm not allowed to see Jess.

She's a little bit jealous.

But mums' group is the most fun we have all week!

Oi! Where are you going?

-Lorna didn't say I couldn't see Jess, did she?

-Well, no, but...

-OK.

-I'm going to go have some cake and have the best time ever.

-Traitor!

What do you think, Sid?

It's not like I'm doing anything wrong, is it?

Jess is my friend and I love mums' group.

What do you think, my boy?

Should I obey your delusional mother,

or should I make my own decisions in life like a proper adult?

Who's the chief here?

Hello?

Oh, great! You changed your mind!

Yeah! When are the girls getting here?

Oh, dunno - in about an hour or so.

Dale, would you be a love,

and run and get some of that nice coffee from town.

I invite everyone over for coffee and what do I forget to buy? Coffee!

THEY LAUGH

-Yeah. I'll be back soon!

-Right.

You make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a sec.

There we are, Sidney.

HE EXHALES

-There you go.

-Oh!

Wine?

Well, there's no coffee, is there! Right, then. Shower for me.

Sorry? A shower?

Well, I can't receive the girls in my yoga sweats, can I?

OK, Jess - should I go and come back another time, cos...?

Oh, no, I'll be two ticks.

Don't worry, we've got a couple of hours before the gang get here.

A COUPLE of hours?

What are you doing?

Ken! Oh, you're not leaving, are you?

Shouldn't you be wearing more clothes?

Why are you walking towards me? What's happening?

What's happening is you are going to ravish me,

you sexy giant old man, you!

What? There will be no ravishing! Not today or tomorrow.

You were supposed to be my coffee morning friend!

I am very disappointed in you, actually, Jess!

I know you're tempted.

You are scaring me! I am a happily married man. What about Marc?

Oh, come on - we both know there's no Marc.

What?

What? Don't undo that. Why are you undoing that?

You are mental!

I am mental...

-Argh!

-..and naked.

Ooh! I'm not looking. And I'm leaving!

And I'm not looking! Goodbye!

-Get in the car.

-Why? I got coffee.

-She's a fucking nutter.

Lorna WAS right. Jess WAS after you.

Yes. But Lorna had no right to try and control my life.

I've behaved entirely faultlessly, yet somehow, I'm also massively in the wrong.

Well, I guess I should be the one to tell Lorna.

No! Obviously we are not going to tell her.

KEN'S PHONE RINGS

And you, my ex-friend, can bog off.

Right, inside.

And none of that accidental truth-telling that you do.

No, I've shaken that out my system. It's hard to do business...

...Crime...

...in China without the odd porky pie.

I'll stick to my old standby - we were in the market

shopping for Lotus dumplings for the Dragon boat festival.

Or maybe just go to straight to your room and never talk to Lorna again.

-OK.

-OK. DALE LAUGHS

Hiya, you two!

Hello, beautiful.

-Have you had a good day?

-Yeah.

He's asleep.

Sorry we argued.

Me too.

Maybe I was a bit over-sensitive about Jess.

Still, I probably shouldn't see her again.

-Oh, you're not bloody seeing her again.

-No.

-Have you seen her again?

-No! Of course not.

I appreciate it, love.

Fuck, it's started.

So, maybe we could put on a box set,

have a bit of Ken and Lorna time.

Yes, that's my favourite kind of time.

KEN'S PHONE RINGS

Has it ever occurred to you that I'm like a faithful,

non-alcoholic Don Draper?

Oh, you totally are!

-I am, right?

-Yeah.

MAD MEN THEME TUNE PLAYS

Five to go to finish the season.

BABY CRIES

-THEY BOTH SIGH

-I'll go.

Sit down.

IN DEEP VOICE: Draper's going to change that nappy.

Oh, God, I am like him. LORNA LAUGHS

Well, then, Sidney,

no in-depth analysis of the Arab-Israeli conflict for us tonight.

No, we shall change that nappy, quick bath and then bed. Deal?

KEN GASPS Oh! Erm...

Here, I'll do that. You take the weight off.

Nah, you're all right.

Ken, honestly, It's my turn. You go and relax.

I don't want to relax. You go and relax.

-Let me change him.

-Lorna...

You are stressed out and it's ruining our family life, OK?

Now, get in there and chill the fuck out, yeah?

Oh, OK, well, I'll go and make a cup of tea, then.

Right, good. Tea would be nice.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, fuck.

Just going to take him for a little drive, soothe him a bit.

-But he's not crying.

-He's upset, though. I can tell.

It's a sort of primary carer thing.

KEN'S PHONE RINGS

'Ken, I have been calling and calling. Where is my baby?

'I want my baby back!'

I'm driving her over now. Don't move, I'll be ten minutes, tops.

Might as well keep you company.

But let's make it a short ride. How's our Siddles..?

He's very close to being upset.

Just going to get something from the house.

-What am I going to do, Dale?

-Snap out of it, Ken!

But she's in the car, she's in the car!

Now, you listen to me.

I've done swaps like these my whole time with Mr Xi, all right?

Then with suitcases of money, now with babies - same principle.

-What?

-I run to Jess' house, grab Sid.

You take her baby to the leisure centre car park -

that's where we'll meet.

-All you need to do is keep Lorna...

-BOTH:

-..from looking at the baby.

-You got this.

-I can do this.

-You got this, Chief Ken.

-I can swap these babies.

-I know you can!

-THEY BOTH YELL

-Dale!

-Just for luck.

Where's my baby? Give me my baby, now!

Jessica, we're going to get your baby. Just stay calm.

Also, here's your coffee from earlier.

Fuck the coffee.

Let's go.

This is nice.

OK, I'm bored now, let's go home.

Lorna, I'm loving this. Come on, let's chat.

Tell me about those guys at work, you know, old Tom and Britney.

-Briony and Tim?

-Hell, yes, those guys.

-Well, Siobhan thought she wasn't invited to the Christmas party.

-No!

I mean she's very nice, she's in her fifties,

she lives on her own. You know, she's a bit lonely.

Anyway she came in the other day to work,

she just... She burst into tears, Ken, on the shop floor and...

LORNA PRATTLES ON

..I took her down to the little room where we have our cup of tea

and stuff and erm...

..anyway, she had to admit that she hadn't even opened the envelope!

But I'm blathering.

What? I live for this shit, Lorna, please...

OK, well, Briony came in the following day...

..and directly said, "Don't worry, I'll go and get..."

-BABY CRIES

-Ah.

-What?

-Probably wants his bottle.

No! Where are you going?

I'm going to get Sid, bring him in the front for a cuddle.

Lorna, this is our time, just you and me.

Let her cry... Let him cry.

-Ken, I can't listen to him cry.

-Lorna...

You're so beautiful.

-LORNA GASPS

-Ken!

I don't know what's got into you.

Oh, fuck!

Oh...

-Ken?

-Stop!

Someone's got my baby! My baby!

-Stop!

-What the hell have you done with my baby?

Fuck!

No!

Ken, what the hell is going on?

-No!

-Ken!

-No!

-Ken!

-Ken!

-BRAKES SCREECH

What the hell are you doing?

So sorry, sir. I can explain.

-You've got a baby in the back of your car.

-I definitely don't.

-No, you have. Dale put it in.

-Hi, I'm Dale.

Oh, thank God, my little girl. Oh!

Don't you dare bring your stodgy sponge to my mums' group ever again.

KEN GASPS

How dare you! That sponge was light as a feather.

What the hell is happening?

Going around putting babies in people's cars. It's not on!

-Just calm down, I can explain.

-Well, I bloody hope you will, Ken.

-The thing is, I went round to Jess' this afternoon...

-Ken!

-I know, I know you told me not to...

-No, I didn't.

-I'm sorry, this is principally for Lorna.

-Who's Lorna?

My wife.

Jess was there and I had Sid and Eliza and I...

No, no, no, mate. Mate, listen, I am way behind here.

I'm sorry, Lorn, can we talk about this in the car?

Yes, I think we'd better get back to your son, Ken.

What I'm saying, Ken, is I was right.

That mad bitch did fancy you.

Yes, all right, you were right.

In future, I will remember I am irresistible to all women.

It's their incredibly well-kept secret.

How fast did you run out of that house?

Like a fat Usain Bolt. THEY LAUGH

-Do you want some wine?

-Yes.

Rachel.

Watching Ken and Lorna today has taught me

how destructive jealousy can be.

I mean, it seems their marriage is OK now,

but it was touch-and-go there earlier.

What are you trying to say, Dale?

About this morning.

I now accept that somewhere deep, deep down,

I may have some residual feelings towards you.

But, don't worry,

I will not let those feelings get in the way of our friendship.

I will crush them using the immense power of my mind.

OK, well, good luck with that.

So...

we're OK?

Absolutely doodle dandy.

Good.