Life of Dale Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language

DOORBELL RINGS All right, all right! Bloody hell!

-Here you go.

-Why have you got my post?

Have you been hassling the postman again?

Well, he says he's a postman,

but you can't trust anyone these days - thank you, Tony Blair.

-Right, then, bye.

-So, um, what are your plans for your birthday?

-It's not my birthday.

-You old wind-up merchant!

My idea - you and me hit the pubs and get shitted.

Like I say, it's not my birthday!

Then why have I got "Ken" written on the palm of my hand?

-Because you're insane.

-That's weird, I'm normally spot on with dates.

Funny story about that. There was this little...

-Ah, good morning!

-Good morning!

-Happy birthday, Dad.

Oh, thank you! Aw!

What's this?

-THUD!

-Ow!

Oh, hey, Chief Ken!

-It's your birthday today - happy birthday!

-Thank you!

What are you...doing?

Another all-night vigil, hoping for an e-mail from Ling.

Not one phone call, not a letter,

not a single e-mail since I left China.

-Tea?

-Tea!

-Yeah.

Oh! Is there anything there for me? Maybe from Shanghai, China?

-No, mate, just a couple of cards for the birthday boy.

-Oh!

Have you seen my shoes?

-No. Not on this special morning!

-You know, my brown ones for work.

Special for SOMEONE, anyway.

Got a ton of meetings this morning and I've hardly slept a wink. Oh!

There they are! I'm going to be late back.

-I've sterilised Sid's bottles for you.

-What a lovely present(!)

It must be...

-my birthday!

-See you all later.

-Bye!

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, Ken, I completely forgot.

Car seat, in case you want to go out.

DOOR CLOSES

-Check this out! Gold lame birthday banner!

-Ho-ho!

-This is going to be the best birthday ever!

-Right.

Tonight, we're going to party like it's 99 Red Balloons.

-You've been listening to Lorna's CD collection again?

-Yeah, I have.

-You want me to put one on?

-No! God, no!

Tonight is MY night.

As soon as Lorna is home, we'll be having the holy trinity

of entertainment -

the quiz.

The curry!

And...the special anniversary edition

-of The Dambusters...

-..Dambusters.

Tri...vial Pursuit... What is this?

It's what people did in the '80s when they didn't have television.

It's an incredible general knowledge quiz. It's the ultimate test of...

Evening, Ken. Oh, fantastic(!)

-Where'd you want this?

-Not in my house? What is it?

Fresh batch of home-brew. Not your birthday, eh? You old rogue!

You and me, we're going to neck this

and lock horns like two rutting stags.

-Who let you in?!

-Yes, Rachna, I'm on it. I'll sort it out first thing.

Ah, good evening, darling!

BANGING

-Steve?

-What?

-Thing is, this is a quiet occasion.

-For me and my family.

-I am your family!

You and me are like brothers,

always ribbing each other, busting each other's gonads...

-Sorry about that, love. How was your day?

-Increasingly disappointing.

I know what you mean. I've been rushed off my feet.

-I've hardly had a chance to...

-THUNDER RUMBLES

-..wish you a happy birthday!

-Thanks, love!

-I'm so glad you didn't forget.

-I would never forget your birthday!

But if I did, with a new baby and my current workload, it would

-probably be forgivable.

-Would it?

BABY CRIES

I'll see to him. Don't you move! Back in a sec, birthday boy.

Mwah!

BANGING

THUNDER RUMBLES Here we go...

ALL: Oh!

Match point.

Get this and we win. Dale, do not blurt out the answer.

OK, I just really want to win!

I know, and if you think you know it - and based on your past form,

that's highly unlikely - then raise your hand.

Roger that.

-Right...

-What's...?

-Lichfield!

-Dale!

-I'm going to have to take his first answer.

-Oh, come on!

-All right, last chance.

-What's this?

Is it a card for a certain special someone? Happy birthday, gorgeous.

Thank you!

Ah.

Lorna, did you get this out of the emergency card drawer in the bedroom?

What emergency card drawer in the bedroom?

-"To Ken, congratulations, you passed..."

-Read on.

"..the age of 47."

Thank you, love, it's perfect.

Do you know what would make this game even more interesting?

A high-stakes wager.

-Oh, no.

-Your humiliation is enough for me, Steve.

-I don't need to take your money as well.

-I don't want your money, Ken.

I want your body.

Get this wrong and you have to join my dojo.

SHE TITTERS The judo club?!

-I don't think so.

-Hm?

-HE MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

Blaaark, blaark, blaark!

Blaaark, blaark, blaark, blaark! BLAAARK, BLAARK!

Go on, OK, if it'll shut you up, I'll take your little bet.

If we get this wrong - which is highly unlikely

because it's a blue pie, and I am the maestro of the blue -

-then I'll join your pathetic little dojo.

-And my hot tub club.

-No.

-All right.

-However, if - WHEN - we get this right, you will go home.

For ever. SHE GASPS

Deal.

-Yes!

-Right, the bet is on!

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

-The question is...

-Yes?

-Nervous?

-No.

What animal comes after a horse in the Chinese calendar?

Oh, bollocks!

MUFFLED SHOUTING

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Ha! I know this one, guys!

-You've said that every single time.

-I know, but I lived in China, Ken.

I know the language, the culture,

I know when they put the bins out - it's Thursday.

And more than that, I know I can get this answer,

because it's linked to the most incredible experience of my life.

'I was travelling across the Far East

'and found myself in the great city of Shanghai.

'I needed to get a job,

'so I spent my last few yuan on a Teach Yourself Mandarin CD.'

WOMAN SPEAKS MANDARIN

HE REPEATS

'I tell you, the Chinese do not like it when you ask for work.

'They get super upset.

'I was hungry and penniless.'

KNOCK ON DOOR

'But fate was about to...'

Fascinating as this is, Dale, can you please just tell us an answer?!

I'm just about to, Chief Ken.

He's stalling, thinking I'll give something away.

Well, he's wrong, I can sit like this for hours.

Yeah, let's not put that to the test. Quick as you can, please, Dale.

-We are on a tight schedule.

-Oh, shut up, Dad, I'm into this.

Because after this, it's The Dambusters, so...

We would be playing Trivial Pursuit in German if it wasn't for The Dambusters!

-You might like to think about that, young lady.

-(Take your time, Dale.)

So, I was in my apartment, when there was a knock at the door.

KNOCK ON DOOR

HE SPEAKS CANTONESE

Whoa! Slow down, buddy!

IN CANTONESE:

SIREN WAILS

'I guessed he made a delivery to the wrong address.

'I decided to keep it safe until he came back.

'Then I noticed something really weird.

'Each duck had a bag of white powder hidden inside.

'I didn't know what it was, so I piled them neatly together

'and waited.

'And waited...

'And waited.

'I hadn't eaten a proper meal in days.

'I didn't want the guy to get in trouble,

'so I didn't touch a single duck.

'It was late and soon I fell asleep.

'When I woke up... they were in my room!'

-MEN SPEAK MANDARIN

-'I didn't catch all of what they were saying,

'but it was something to do with money and laundering.

'That's when I realised, duck is so messy to eat that they

'included washing powder, so people could launder their tablecloths after.'

-Washing powder!

-Yeah! Considerate, right?

HE TITTERS

The laundry guys were so pleased I didn't touch their merchandise,

they asked if I was interested in a career in business.

'The next night, their boss came around to meet me. This was Mr Xi.

-'A gangster?

-Yes, Chief Ken.

'Although there was no way to tell that at the time.

'And behind Mr Xi, there she was, his daughter...

'Ling.'

'She was without doubt the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

'Not just beautiful, but mysterious and amazing...'

You know what, Dad's right - maybe you could just skip this stuff.

-Oh, but Ling is the reason I know the answer.

-Oh.

-Well, Ling and the chicken.

-The chicken?

Is that the answer, the year of the chicken?

Wrong! I win! Yes! Come on!

-That was not an answer, I was conferring with Dale.

-Yeah!

It's not the year of the chicken.

Actually the chicken is kind of a surprise in the story.

-Forget I mentioned the chicken.

-Just get on with it!

So I'll just skip all the stuff at Ling being

so beautiful I forgot how to breathe?

I mean...

First time I saw Connie was at a debate on capital punishment.

I was, er, pro-electric chair and she was - typical Connie, really -

pro-hanging.

We compromised on lethal injection.

Life was...much simpler then.

Fuckin' hell.

HE BELCHES QUIETLY

Anyways, um, so Mr Xi had come to offer me a job.

'Before I could join their family business, I had to pass a test.

'They placed a strange object on the table.

-'It looked like a cage, but what animal could be inside?

-A chicken?

'It was a chick... Oh, gosh darn it, Dale!

'Anyways, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.

'All I knew was that the chicken was super sacred to them.'

I got it.

WATER RUNS

Hi, Mr Chicken! Are you thirsty? I got you water!

DALE LAUGHS IDIOTICALLY

MR XI SPEAKS MANDARIN

'This did not go down well.

LOUD GRUNTING

What?

This?

-HE CHUCKLES

-I got this about three years ago when I was part of a cult.

I thought it was all above board,

but it turns out it was quite a dangerous organisation.

Can you imagine?

'It turned out the Chinese really love triangles!

-'Super lucky, huh?

-HE TITTERS

'But what happens next was even more incredible.'

I'm going for a slash. That home-brew has gone right through me.

-And you won't be needing this.

-Not going to cheat, Steve!

Not now you're not.

Right, I'm going to google the answers so we can get rid of him.

-Relax, Chief Ken, I got this!

-Yes. But just in case, where's my phone.

I've got that too.

-Who wants a beer?

-Yeah, go on.

-That would be nice, actually.

Maybe with a slice of birthday cake.

Did you...get a cake?

Tsk!

Ken, I am on it!

-Ken?

-What?!

-Is your phone waterproof?

Oh, God...

Are you all right, Mum?

I hid some Jaffa Cakes somewhere when I was pregnant.

-Maybe if I stick a candle in one of them.

-I dunno, maybe.

-SHE SIGHS

-Oh, Rach, have I become one of those high-powered

career women that puts their job before their family?

You know what, I think you're OK.

Work's mad. And I'm getting out of sync with your dad. And Sid.

And you. I mean, how are you, Rach? How's your job with Nina?

Well, Nina's mental, obviously.

I think, if I could change one thing, though, it would be Dale

constantly going on about his passionate love for another woman.

I wouldn't worry too much about that. I mean...

-Dale punched that bloke Freddie, didn't he?

-Mm.

-He's obviously got feelings for you deep down.

-Annoyingly deep down.

Look...you're here, she's not. It's like property, isn't it?

She's not taken possession. You're squatting on her man.

And if you hang on long enough...

I'll get to squat on him for ever.

-Mum...that's such a bad metaphor.

-Yeah, eugh!

HAIRDRYER DRONES

A decent phone should be waterproof up to 50 metres.

-Turn it off!

-What?

TURN IT OFF!

HE TURNS IT OFF

-Should I continue my story now?

-Oh, God, yes!

-OK.

'So Mr Xi had seen my triangle tattoo

'and he took this as a sign of good luck.

'He decided to give me another chance to join the family business.

'There was a long red scar going right across his chest.

'Mr Xi pointed to the scar and said...'

How...did I...get this?

'I looked at the others, but they were giving nothing away.'

THUNDER RUMBLES

So Mr Xi said I had 20 questions to guess how he got his scar.

Get it right and he'd let me

join his close-knit community of businessmen.

Get it wrong, he'd remove my skin.

Dale! What were you thinking??

-I was thinking, if I'm going to be a businessman, I should probably buy a suit.

-Mm. Yes. Mm.

BABY CRIES

Lorn, can you see to him?

I'll be right back.

Time for a refill.

So, Ling was in the room, but she was ignoring you.

Yeah, but it just made her that much more mysterious.

Mysterious slash unhelpful.

-Unhelpful?

-Yeah.

-Ling?

Yeah, I guess you don't really know Ling

or you would understand how funny that is!

But, yeah, when I go back to China, you should totally come meet her.

Yeah, are you going back?

I mean, have you heard from her yet?

Not... Not yet.

But I guess the post is kind of slow from China.

-She could phone or e-mail, couldn't she?

-Yeah, she will.

Just when the timing's right, you know?

Dale, I don't...

Guess how I got my scar.

Steve! I've no idea.

Little bugger won't settle.

I'll take him.

Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!

Right, what did I miss?

I'm just trying to guess how Steve got his scar.

Oh, God. Put your shirt back on.

It was a mole. I removed it myself.

Bloody agony.

So, come on.

-How did it end?

-Oh.

So, I had 20 questions to guess how Mr Xi got the scar.

I sat cross-legged on the floor as Ling served us green tea.

Mr Xi was super fussy about his tea

and would only drink it when it was two degrees off boiling point.

Argh!

Only then could I ask a question

and try to solve the riddle of the scar.

I was only allowed one question per night,

which, at first, I found very difficult.

Do you want any milk with your tea?

Did you get it in a fight?

Did you have an operation?

Are you sure you didn't want any milk with your tea?

Argh!

From that night on, seeing her became the highlight of my day.

I started delaying asking the question

so I could be around her for longer.

Night by night, I turned the whole thing into an elaborate show.

They seemed to like it,

especially Ling, who would clap and laugh.

HE SPEAKS MANDARIN

But, all too soon, the time would come to ask the question

and, all too soon, I'd get it wrong.

Did you work in a circus?

Has anybody got a towel?

Lorn, where have you been?

-Tesco.

-Tesco? It's a force-ten gale outside.

I know, but look! A cake!

-Oh.

-I mean, it's a bit weather-beaten, but...

I think I can put this back together.

Bloody seal's jammed again.

Seem to have run out of nappies.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry, chief Ken. I'll have this together in no time.

BABY CRIES

-Come on!

-We could still put some meringues on it!

I can't seem to find any. Mum!

Don't you worry, chief Ken. I'll have this cake together in no time.

I know we've got some candles somewhere.

-BABY CRIES

-Come on!

EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE

Right! That's it!

My birthday is now officially over.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh.

Just confirming that a refusal to answer counts as a wrong answer,

in which case I win the bet.

Go away.

You're not serious.

It's no way to treat your best mate.

Come on, Steve.

You're not my best mate. You never were.

Wow.

That... Wow.

I didn't see that coming.

I can handle Connie leaving me

again.

I can accept my kids not wanting to take my calls.

I can even deal

with my sensei blanking me...

..in Lidl.

But this...

-Look, let's just go home.

-Hold me!

-Get off me!

-I've had no physical intimacy since Connie left me again.

I need to be held.

Ooh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

We're still best mates, aren't we?

Uh-huh.

He's coming. He's coming.

Everybody!

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us! #

THEY CHEER

Make a wish!

OK.

I wish that you would finish your story

so that I can get to bed.

You got it, birthday boy.

And so it all hinges on the last night.

I'd used up all my goes

and now Mr Xi needed a final answer.

Guess correctly and I'd join the family business.

Guess wrong and I would have to make my way in life with no head.

I had no clue what to say

and I racked my brain for inspiration.

What could cause a scar like that?

I'd heard him say he'd grown up by the sea

and that he would often go swimming there.

You answer now.

She mouthed the words "Stin ree,"

which I think means "Good luck."

Yes! Yeah, all right.

I'm ready to give my answer.

It has something to do

with the ocean.

Something very dangerous.

You...

..got your scar...

..waterskiing!

Yeah.

I'd guessed correctly

and Mr Xi was as good as his word.

The next day, I was officially welcomed into the family

and made a delivery boy.

So I learned a valuable lesson that day.

In fact, I learned 12 of them which I will now explain.

-First lesson...

-No.

Enough is enough.

Steve, ask the question.

Here we go. Get this right and you win the bet.

Get this wrong and the Lichfield Mixed Martial Arts Centre

gets a 6'8" white belt with a heart of gold.

Just get on with it.

OK, so, what animal comes after the horse in the Chinese calendar?

The monkey!

It's wrong.

It's... It's the goat.

-What?

-The goat!

How about that! It's the goat!

-So what was the point of that story?

-There was a moral, chief Ken.

Did not see it?

Sometimes, you've just got to guess.

Well, thank you, Confucius!

So judo is Tuesdays and Thursday night in the Scout hut.

Thursdays is full contact, so you have to pad up.

-Go home.

-Before that, I'm going to have to come round

and just test your reactions.

Just really to see what kind of fighting skills you have.

I'm sensing probably quite a low level,

but, don't worry, I'll take you through it.

I've got something for you.

It's not curry, is it?

Not this time of night, you great trougher!

Lorn! An evening with Simon Schama!

It's in London next month.

I thought we could make a weekend of it.

Thank you.

Oh. So no Dambusters, then?

Yeah. Survived the Nazis, killed by a bellend.

Guess what, guys! I got a surprise!

I felt really bad about earlier, so I got another cake.

Also, the guy in the shop said, if we're having a party,

-we could use some of these things.

-Whoo!

That's really nice, Dale,

but I think we should all probably head to bed.

-Dad!

-Oh, Ken.

What sort of cake is it?

-White chocolate.

-Good.

-I'll get some plates.

What?

I don't know. It's just...

My whole life, I've been a part of different families,

each with their own way of doing things.

Vashradi told us to intercourse with aliens,

Mr Xi chopped peoples' tongues off for telling lies,

and you like your dishwasher on economy cycle.

It's hard to tell who's got it right.

I do know this -

the only place I've ever felt at home

is right here.

Well, It's very sweet, Dale,

but I am British, so take it down a notch.

You've really been like a dad to me, Chief Ken.

Maybe a notch more.

I'm going to miss you when I go back to China.

-No. Not that.

-OK.

DOORBELL RINGS

She did get me a curry!

Ah!

-Argh!

-Argh!