University Challenged Cuckoo

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC: Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo

-'Hey, Dylan.'

-Why've you got your coat on?

Are you naked underneath?

'Look, we need to talk.'

Oh, yeah, we're going to talk all right.

'Dylan, this isn't going to be easy to say.

-'You're dumped.'

-What?!

-'I've met someone else.'

-Who?!

'A guy at uni. You'd like him, actually.'

Well, I fucking doubt it!

Why are you doing this?

'I don't know, maybe he's just better than you'.

-What, you mean, sex-wise?

-'Well, yeah. But also generally.'

This is the worst wank ever.

-'Ready, babe?

-'Yeah, almost done.'

He's there?! In the room with you?

That is it!

Right, Zoe, I'm going to go out tonight

and I'm going to pull so many girls and I'm going to bang...

Work weekend. I hope it's not bloody paintballing again.

Bryony from head office has got it in for me

and those pellets really smart.

Dylan, you have only been there for three weeks.

No, I don't think it's been a good innings.

And don't use cricketing terminology to try and get round me.

-Look, just don't do anything stupid. I'll call you back.

-What's happened?

It's Dylan. He wants to drop out of university.

BOTH: What?!

He's only been there a month.

I know. And what a lovely month it's been.

Oh, well.

If he doesn't like it. He's never been at home in academia, Ken.

He's not in academia, Lorna. He's doing media studies.

And besides, university is about more than that.

It's about Dylan discovering himself as a person,

whilst not living in MY house.

It's not the end of the world, Dad. I never went to uni.

-Yeah, look what happened here.

-Oh, what DID happen?

You became a lovely, rounded young lady,

with a worthy job in charity.

Hoo-hoo! Great run, Dale! Morning, guys.

Dylan's not like you. Someone's going to have to go

and talk the toerag into staying.

Well, you'll have to go down to the university.

I'm busy team building with some people I've known for over ten years.

Oh, very well - once again,

-I will shoulder the burden of responsible parenting.

-Good.

I'm just going to go and say goodbye to my little Siddle-diddle.

Wait. You're going to visit Dylan at university? I want to come.

Well, you can't. It's going to be tricky situation, so...

-Well, I'll help out. And I won't take no as an answer!

-No?

-What if it's a really firm no?

-Won't take it!

-I might try anyway, see how I get on. No.

-I'm still coming!

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I've always wanted to see a university.

-What do people usually wear?

-Are you sure you want to go?

I'm looking after Baby Sid on my own today. Quite a handful.

Which Frisbee should I bring, red or yellow?

-I mean, you could stay and help me out.

-And miss out on university?

No thanks!

Because otherwise it's just going to be me...

on my own...

in the house.

Could get pretty boring.

Well, then, I'll definitely go with Chief Ken!

OK, fine, suit yourself.

Oh - students wear ties, hats and blazers, but only on Fridays.

-Today's Friday.

-Yes, it is.

-Oh, thanks!

Did you go to university, Chief Ken?

Yes, I did. And back in the days when it meant something.

Not like these days, when kids leave with a 30 grand debt

-and a degree in golf course management.

-They have golf courses?!

-That's amazing.

-Had some of the best days of my life at university.

Getting drunk with pretty girls,

banging on about the miners' strike and how much I hated Thatcher.

-Thatcher? Who's he?

-Never mind.

You're so smart.

Which is weird, cos if Dylan drops out,

then none of your kids will have gone to university.

Oh, God!

-Except for Sid, of course.

-Ah.

By the time he's old enough, who knows if you'll even be alive?

Yeah, all right. Can you take those clothes off now?

You look like Jimmy Krankie.

-Is that bad?

-Yes.

-Worse than Thatcher?

-Er...

No.

Oh!

Oh, come on, you bastard. Oh! Come on!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Guten Morgen, meine Rachel!

-Ben! I was just heading out.

I was just dropping this round for your dad.

-I have had a letter published in the Solicitors Journal.

-Well done.

Well, it's nothing really,

just a few lines about a minor factual error.

Page 17, if you're interested. I've marked it with a yellow tab

-and, er, circled it in red.

-Oh, great, thanks.

You don't know anything about pushchairs, do you?

-This one's jammed.

-Well, let me have a look.

Ah, the Dual Cotterill. Good unit.

I used to browse round Mothercare

back when I thought you and I might...

Never mind. There is a safety catch here.

And then it just...clicks out.

Oh, brilliant!

Now I've just got to push him round Tesco's and get loads of stuff.

Mum's gone away, Dad and Dale are off to see Dylan

and I'm left on my own.

Er, incredible idea alert.

Why don't you stay here and I go do the shopping?

-Oh, bit of a hassle.

-Not for Bestie Ben!

I'll get everything you need

and maybe pick us up something nice for dinner.

-Oh, Ben, you're amazing.

-Yes, I am.

-OK. Bye-bye, Sid!

-"Bye-bye, Ben!"

-See you later.

SHE EXHALES

Oh, that was nice of Uncle Ben, wasn't it? Come on, Sid.

-OK. When we find Dylan, let me do the talking, all right?

-Why?

I'm super persuasive.

Yes. We're not going to kidnap him or cut his thumbs off, are we, Dale?

As much as he probably deserves it.

OK. Maybe just slap him a little.

No! We're going to be firm but fair, all right?

Oh...

Please can you move your car?

-Sorry, what?

-I said, can you move your car?

-Can I move my car?

-Well, there's plenty of spaces.

-That space is for electric vehicles.

-Sorry, it's for what?

-Electric vehicles!

Electric vehicles?

It's not very clearly marked.

Maybe I'll leave my car where it is.

Well, maybe I'll call the clamping firm.

-Is this a university or a prison?

-Thatcher!

-Well said, Dale.

-Jimmy Krankie!

-Not as relevant, but still good.

Fine. I'll move.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Dylan, I know you're in there. HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

I can hear your music!

MUSIC STOPS Ah.

Sneaky AND stupid. Terrible combination.

Do you have a credit card?

I learned this lock-picking technique when I was in jail.

All right.

-That'll work.

-Yeah.

-What the fuck?!

-I can never remember what THAT's for.

Right, young man, we need to talk.

Leave me alone. I know what you're going to say,

but you don't understand.

-I hate it here.

-Should I slap him?

-No!

Dylan...

University is a really important time in a young person's life.

-I just don't want you to miss out.

-God, you're such a dick!

-Dale, slap him.

-Face or neck?

Fine, then, I'll get the train home, but leave me alone!

DYLAN SOBS

Are you...? Are you crying?!

-Oh, is it because of the door?

-No, you twat, it's because of Zoe!

She dumped me and now she's seeing this other guy.

-Oh.

-I know it sounds lame, but I really love the bitch.

Oh, God, I'm so depressed!

Listen, love. The thing is...

Hey... I got this.

Hey, Dilly. Look here.

Zoe is with another guy now.

And they did just get together, so you have two understand

that at this moment, they're pretty busy intercoursing often.

Oh, God!

Dale, maybe go and explore the campus for a bit.

-Maybe find that golf course?

-Maybe find that golf course.

I'm going to find it!

Look, Dad, it's not just Zoe, OK? It's everything -

this place, the people, the courses.

I've tried, Dad, I've tried so hard, I promise.

But, I mean...

it's like you said, media studies is shit.

All right. But you're getting a job and you're paying rent.

Deal.

University's such a rip-off.

I mean, you pay nine grand and you get this.

(Nine grand. Shit!)

But, um, thanks for putting me first, Dad.

Hey. Come on, you're my son.

Nothing is more important than that.

Just out of interest, who does look after the money here?

I'm so sorry about that little misunderstanding earlier.

I was very tired after a long drive.

(Although it was rather... inconvenient.)

OK. I just wanted to clarify something.

My son, Dylan Thompson, he's going to be dropping out.

(I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss him.)

I'm sorry, do you mind if I move a bit closer? I'm struggling to...

So it's just the small matter of the tuition fees

and when they would be refunded.

(Oh. Let's have a look.)

Hm.

-Never.

-What?!

They're non-refundable.

He's been here for one month and I paid £9,000, so

give me 8,500 and we'll call it quits.

Non-refundable. And non-negotiable.

But I've told him he can leave.

All right, eight grand. Final offer.

Thank you. You're printing me a receipt.

Clause 17 on the fees contract. Zero refunds.

Dylan is a bright boy

and this university has failed to stimulate his keen mind.

-According to our files, he hasn't been to a single lecture.

-What?!

OK...

I'm a lawyer.

And I'm going to tell you something just once.

If I walk out of that door without the tuition fees,

there will be... serious consequences.

(Mm-hm?)

Mm-hm...

OK.

Very well.

You leave me no choice.

7,500 grand, final offer.

There you are!

Here's dinner, and until then I have an array of Iberian hams...

-Ooh...

-..and some dip-worthy snacks.

-Oh, Ben, this is amazing.

-Let me go and get you some money.

-No, no, it's on me.

I thought, "Hey, we're stuck indoors,

"might as well make the best of it." You know -

two besties, some wine and a boxset. Be like old times, eh?

-Did you get changed?

-Yeah, I bought a couple of things while I was out.

-Shirt and some shoes.

-And aftershave?

-Yeah. Do you like it?

-It's quite strong, isn't it?

-I know!

Oh, I loved that.

-Look at Sid. He's still bouncing.

-Mm.

Have you been going to the gym?

You know - single man, got standards to keep up.

Actually, what HAS been happening with your romantic life?

Because you've kept your cards very close to your chest.

Oh, er, OK.

-Well, there's been a variety of girls...

-Mm.

-..all really smoking.

I'm just not sure I'm...ready to get into a relationship, you know?

However much they plead.

Whoever you'll choose, they'll be a very lucky girl.

-Think we should have that food, then.

-Hell, yeah!

-I'll pop it in the microwave.

-OK.

Oh - Mum gave me 40 quid for the shopping.

-Please take it.

-No way, best-ay!

OK, well, I'm putting the money in your wallet, is it in your coat?

-Do not go near my coat!

-Oh, what's that?

Don't open it.

Oh, the engagement ring.

It's, erm...

I keep it on me when I see you, just in case.

So I mean, when you said we were past all that old stuff, you...

Oh, listen. Sid's fine. Erm...

And thanks for getting all the dinner and everything. It's lovely.

Yeah. OK.

Oh, the ready meal.

Don't forget to pierce the film before you put it in the microwave.

-OK.

-Can I have my ring back, please?

-Oh, yeah.

Erm...

-Oh, shit.

-What?

-Well, I can't see the ring.

-Well, what do you mean?

Oh, God, it must have fallen onto him.

-Oh...! OK. I think Sid might have swallowed it.

-Oh, God!

Oh... Ben, what do we do?

I don't know. I mean, I could try and claim on the contents insurance

-but there'd be a hell of an excess to pay.

-What?!

-Oh, God, and now I have a nosebleed. Argh!

-Come on, Siddie...

Oh, God.

OK. Slight change of plan.

Instead of leaving university, you are in fact now staying.

What?! Why?

Look, Dylan. I...

I just hate for you to throw away a perfectly good career

-in media studies.

-You didn't get your money back, did you?

Look, I don't want to get all draconian about it, right,

but I pay nine grand for you to be here,

so I essentially own you for at least one year.

-Well, that's slavery.

-Yes. Well, maybe slavery isn't that bad.

Think of all the music it gave us.

Come on, Dylan. Give this place another chance.

Only came to uni to have a laugh. It's just so lame here.

It's full of sad twats and international students.

All they have is a library, a shit bar and...and a pond full of geese.

-They're ducks, mate.

-Oh, God, you're always criticising me.

Look, Dylan! University's amazing.

Think of all the parties, and the protest marches...

Yeah, OK, forget the protest marches.

-There'll be someone here for you to have a laugh with.

-Hey, guys!

Want to come and play Frisbee with us? Heads up, Nathan!

Oh! You OK?

Look, Dad, I'm telling you, this is the lamest place ever.

Don't be a quitter.

Hey. Let's go and have a pint in the student union bar.

That's where all the laughs start.

See? This place isn't too bad.

I'm sure it'll pick up later.

No, it won't. This is as good as it gets.

Where's the band posters?

Where's the guy selling the Socialist Worker?

Where's the 10p-a-pint signs?

Last week they actually had a talk about alcohol awareness.

Unbelievable!

Is that kid doing an essay?

-There's not even any graffiti in the bogs.

-What?

-There's got to be an anarchy sign or a badly drawn cock and balls?

-No.

Well, this place is a disgrace.

Woo-hoo!

I love university! I've made so many friends.

-See?

-Guys, this is Charlie.

Nathan and I were playing Frisbee and Charlie joined in...

-uh, what's that word again?

-Ironically.

..Ironically. So we played ironic Frisbee together.

Right! Good. Would you sit down, Charlie, join us?

No-one really drinks in here.

No-one that I know anyway. I'm going to a party at Ottley House.

-Oh, where's that?

-You haven't heard of Ottley House?

Oh, no. No, yeah. I've heard of it, obviously.

I was, um... I was being ironic.

-HE LAUGHS

-She loves that!

THEY LAUGH

Well, the party's going to be pretty messed up, you should come.

Bring your grandad too.

Did you eat something naughty?

Did your bad, bad sister feed you something naughty?

-I didn't strictly feed it to him.

-Of course not!

But in future you should know feeding babies metal jewellery

is considered bad parenting.

-Yeah. I knew.

-"Knew".

Well, not to worry. He'll poo it out in a few hours.

-You'll soon have your engagement ring back.

-Great!

-But it's not actually my engagement ring.

-Well, it sort of is.

-We were engaged and...it was the ring.

-We weren't, I said no.

Well, you said yes first. Ten seconds, it still counts.

OK!

Well - as this isn't a medical issue, I have no comment.

-Unless... How old are you?

-24.

Because statistically, if you haven't met your husband by 25

you won't marry till 29, and childbirth after 30

puts a massive strain on the NHS.

So if I DID have to advise you medically...

Have a think about it.

"Should your sister have said yes? Should she?

"He looks nice enough. Handsome.

"Should she be more realistic?"

-OK...

-"I think she should."

MUSIC: Dirty Basement by Elektrons

-Hey.

-Hey! Have you guys got any booze? We're running low.

In luck! Old guy does.

Now, this is more like it.

Hey, guys. We've got booze!

CHEERING

I got Frisbee!

-That's what a credit card's for.

-I'm learning so much at university!

We're going to leave you to it.

Yeah, nice one.

Hey, Dad.

I thought you were going to be a right dick about today,

but you were only half as much of a dick as I thought you'd be.

-Thank you, Dylan.

-Stay for a beer if you like.

No. You don't want me hanging around cramping your style.

MUSIC: People Get Up And Drive Your Funky Soul by James Brown

Again!

MUSIC CONTINUES

OK, Siddie, let's have a little look at you.

No. Still no joy.

All right, then. All right.

Oh... Let's warm you up some milk.

You OK?

Yeah.

Ben, I worry, being friends with me

maybe...it's not the best thing for you at the moment.

-No, no, it IS the best thing.

-Will you be honest for a sec?

It's just so ridiculous.

Dale's in love with this...Ling woman, you're in love with Dale

and I'm in...

SHE SIGHS Oh, God.

You're right.

Maybe we should all...have a fresh start and move on.

The trouble with moving on is...you don't know what's round the corner.

There could be a hairpin bend. Or a new boyfriend who REALLY hurts you.

Sometimes, when you're moving on, you've got to go into reverse

and back up a little.

And as you're backing up,

you might be worried you're going over old ground, but

actually it's the best thing you could possibly do.

Because the old ground

is safe...and reliable...

..thinks you're beautiful.

Ben...

The old ground will never...hurt you or leave you.

It'll just be glad that you're, you know...

driving over it again.

SHE SNIFFS

-Ooh, gosh, can you smell that?

-Yeah, I think I can.

Ooh!

-I think we have success, baby Sid.

-Yeah!

-Oh...!

-A bit too much.

-Eurgh.

-Eurgh.

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out!

Maggie! ALL: Out!

Maggie! ALL: Out!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out!

-Your dad is wicked.

-Mm-hm.

Folks, seriously... I've got another one for you guys,

see if you can join along.

This is a little number...

by a Mr Billy Bragg.

Come in with me when you're ready.

# I was a miner

# I was a docker

# I was a railwayman Between the wars... #

Let's go.

# I was a miner... #

He was a miner!

-# I was a docker... #

-Docker!

# ..a railwayman Between the wars... #

-Mother-frickin' wars!

-Let's go...

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out!

Maggie! ALL: Out!

-Maggie!

-You can't be in here...

-ALL: Out!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out!

You...can't be in here. This room is a fire risk,

-you must all leave immediately.

-Oh, come on,

-they're just trying to have a bit of fun.

-The party's over.

Everyone, please leave.

You square.

-Thatcher!

-Yes, Dale.

Aren't you...a bit old for this kind of thing?

I am not going to take a lecture... from the likes of you.

-LAUGHTER

-(Bollocks.)

Well, I can see where he gets THAT from.

Guys...? Guys, wait!

I can see you all want to go,

and you think the party's over...

but before you do I want to say a couple things.

OK?

All it takes for evil to flourish is for a few good men to say nothing.

We have to show that supercilious bell-end

that we will NOT be pushed around by the Man.

All right?

We must fight... the might...of the system!

WHO'S WITH HIM?!

WHO'S WITH ME?!

OK.

I'll be honest...

I'm a little disappointed by the turnout.

OK, Dad, what's the plan?

The plan...is we're going to teach that smug little twat

a lesson he won't forget.

-The old classic. We're going to turn his car on its roof.

-No, Dad, stop.

-Dylan...!

-What if we pick it up, and...move it over there?

Onto the island.

You are a chip off the old block! OK, boys,

let's put this prick's car on the island!

Wait, Chief Ken... This is all allowed at university?

It's totally fine.

Dad, come on!

OK, boys. Three, two, one.

Heave!

-Oh, he's going to shit when he sees this!

-Hi, Mr Duck!

We can do this, guys, come on...

Onto the island she goes!

Yes!

OK, boys. One last heave. One, two, three...

Yes, Dad! I am DEFINTELY staying at university!

So proud of you, son.

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

Oh, no! Oh...!

Final offer - five grand.

I can't believe they kicked me out. Why did you make me do that?

You're an adult now, Dylan,

and as an adult, we take responsibility for our own actions.

That said - don't tell your mother.

I can still smell burning duck.

Yeah. It'll take me a while till I have a Chinese.

Still, university was great, wasn't it?

Can we go back EVERY weekend?

-You are such a fucktard.

-Dylan. That's enough.

No, it's OK, Chief Ken. He was just being ironic.

Like me saying, "It's NOT going to be great to have you home again, bro!"

Oh, yeah - I'm not getting a job, by the way. I'm going travelling.

Oh, yeah? And who's going to be paying for that?

Well - you are, or I'll tell Mum.

-Dale?

-On it.

Ow!

Welcome home, son.

OK, here we go, Chief Ken!

-# I was a miner... #

-Woo!

-# I was a docker... #

-Docker!

# I was a railway man Between the wars... #

Your go, Mr Bragg!

# I raised a family In time of austerity

# With sweat at the foundry Between the wars

-DALE RAPS:

-# Between the wars These mother-freakin' wars

# What are we killing for? Just got to love some more, Chief Ken. #

-Was that somebody bloody rapping?!

-Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy.