The Holiday Cuckoo

So I was thinking, this time around, YOU might handle the baby duties.

I don't think so.

I'll do it. I'll take the paternity leave. Stuff work.

Mr Xi is my new mentor.

Dale, when you were a businessman...

..what area were you in, exactly?

Client-facing, results orientated.

-Turns out you're right about that Triads thing.

-I was fairly sure.

Could you tell me why my father's

1976 Triumph Stack is in the driveway?

-I sent an invite to your mum.

-Cooee!

-I have fallen for a truly special girl.

-What's her name?

Ling, she is Mr Xi's daughter, actually.

-He's obviously got feelings for you deep down.

-Annoyingly deep down.

Ugh!

-Dale!

-You were jealous of me and him.

I love Ling. See previous conversation.

-There's something I need to tell Kenneth.

-Oh?

Not one phone call, not a letter, not a single e-mail

since I left China.

-Nothing.

-Come on, Belinda.

-Alan was not your real father.

-What?

-Aw, Sid, I miss that little guy.

-I don't. Not yet, I don't.

I hope your mum's all right with him.

North? Why are we driving north? Where are we flying from?

We're not flying anywhere, Dylee. We're going to Cumbria instead.

They decided two weeks ago.

That was serious? I thought it was one of dad's shit jokes.

-Why the fuck would we go on holiday to Cumbria?

-Well...

Why would anyone in their right mind even pass through there?

It's like... Well, I know nothing about it, that's how it is.

We're going to be spending a week with your family,

isn't that what matters, Dylan?

Yeah, well, I'm packed for Barbados, all right?

So, unless I'm going outdoor horse riding in Speedos, you can

count me out of outdoor activities. I've got my Xbox.

You bunch of twats.

# Good morning, world It's a brand-new day. #

-Bagsie the master bedroom.

-Absolutely not.

Going against a bagsie? That's bad karma.

That's your holiday fucked, Dad.

-Ah!

-Insubordination.

Right, well, this is going to be a nice family holiday, isn't it?

I suggest we all dump our bags

and then we'll go for a lovely short walk...

-Oh, Ken...

-Oh, Dad...

-..down the road to the local pub.

-Ah, now we're talking.

-Not such a boring dad now, is he?

-Oh, and, Dylan, you're not using our bathroom either.

-Said Hitler.

This is nice, isn't it? All the family together.

OK, so two groups. Group one, Mum and Dad, I do not know you.

-Thanks, Dylan.

-Charming.

-Group two, you guys.

Dale, you're my wing man, stay with me.

Rachel, you're the female friend that shows I'm sensitive,

cos I hang out with you even though you're ridiculously lame.

OK, yeah, turning down that offer.

God, you could have been part of something great.

Come on, you weirdo.

I'm going to the loo.

So what do you think he's like, your biological father?

I don't know. From what Mum said, not too promising.

Some Northern Casanova who latched onto her in a bar.

Anyway, this is the place.

I don't see why we have to be so underhand about it,

pretending to the kids we're on holiday.

Don't you think we should have called your father first -

let him know we were coming?

I've explained this, he must not know I'm his son.

We meet him anonymously and, if we don't like him,

-we can just walk away. Plan?

-Plan.

-Plan.

So what next?

Well, I guess we just wait for a tall, handsome older man with

a keen intelligence shining through blue eyes.

And, in the meantime, we get rat-arsed.

-My kind of holiday.

-Right.

WHISTLING

CLATTER

Hello?

Argh! Ugh.

Steve! What are you doing here?

Neighbourhood Watch, what are you doing here?

Ken asked me to water the plants. Neighbourhood Watch?

Mm. Holiday's a folly.

Thieves target homes when their owners are away,

-but if they try this one, they have me to contend with.

-Get off.

Come on, big boy, take a shot at me.

-Come on, come on.

-Wait, are those Ken's pyjamas?

Yeah, of course.

-I don't own a pair, I sleep nude.

-Right.

I think I'm going to have to call Ken and tell him

you've broken into his house.

Shh.

Or you could jump into a spare pair of jimjams and watch Ken

and Lorna's wedding video with me.

Trust me, it is a cracker.

Fuck it, it's a Saturday.

So, yeah, I'm from the mean streets of Lichfield.

It is kind of like Compton, LA, really.

It's got this banging cathedral.

And so, yeah, uni was just like, pfft, nah,

bigger things. You know, bigger dreams. Ghetto dreams.

So, what do you do?

-Oh, I used to be a businessperson, now I'm a nanny.

-Wow.

So you have a sensitive side?

Who wants another drink? Dale, come with me.

You need to scram, you're killing my vibes, bitch.

It's just like, Dyl, the thing is, if Ling's forgotten about me,

I kind of gotta start putting myself out there.

Well, here's an idea, why don't you go and get off with Rachel?

Have you been smoking too much of your pot weeds? Do you not remember?

-Rachel said no to me at Christmas.

-She changed her mind.

What?

Come on. Have you seriously not seen it?

Why has no-one told me this?

Oh, my goodness.

I may need to run back to the house and...clear my head.

-Yeah, great idea.

-OK.

-Dale...

-Yeah?

All right?

-I'll see you back at the ranch.

-Er, does Dale know his way back home?

He'll run around until he finds it. Shout me a drink, would you?

For I'm hunting the Northern fox.

Lorna looks so beautiful.

I'm misty eyed, Steve.

You know, I once thought that me and Rachel would...

STEVE BELCHES

You're still hung up about that?

They're off in Cumbria together.

Moonlit walks, romantic pies.

Rachel's lost in this dramatic fantasy of her and Dale.

What she doesn't realise is that real romance requires a cool head,

weighing up the pros and cons. There is a place for spreadsheets.

I fell for Connie the moment I saw her.

The first three months, idyllic.

And I woke up one morning, I saw her face sleeping on the pillow

and I realised...

I hated her.

I walked out and then I realised I loved her again.

I got some crumpets, came back before she woke up.

We had a pleasant breakfast.

The point is, that is a cycle of life, Ben.

True love passes through your passage like a thunderbolt.

Love is just compatibility, Steve. I don't believe in thunderbolts.

DOORBELL RINGS

Erm, hi.

HE SPEAKS CANTONESE

My father wishes to speak to Dale. Does he live here? It's urgent.

Am I right in thinking that Jack Sprackly drinks in here?

Apparently, he won your pool competition about four years ago.

-We looked him up on Google.

-Big Jack,

why do you want to see Big Jack?

-Ken's Big Jack's son.

-Lorna...

-Son?

Sorry, mate, you'll not see Big Jack tonight.

-Yeah, why's that?

-He died.

Potted the black and keeled over the same moment last year.

Ken, is it? Tell you what, pop in tomorrow early doors,

I'll be happy to chat about the old bastard.

KEN SIGHS

Well, there we are, Lorna, dead. That's that.

-Honestly, my bloody mother.

-Do you want to go back?

No, let's get pissed.

So,

you're a Triad?

My darling daughter, who is my moon and joy, has persuaded me

her love for Dale has not changed and I must allow their marriage.

Really?

So you're going to get Dale, marry him and then take him back to China?

Ha! Fantastic news!

-SHE TRANSLATES:

-So, where is Dale?

Unfortunately, he's not here right now.

They've gone on holiday to Cumbria. He'll be back in five days.

Five days?

-Five days?

-GUNSHOT

HE SHOUTS IN CANTONESE

SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE

If you need to get to Cumbria, it's not far. You can drive there.

You.

-You drive.

-Me?

It would be an honour, sir.

MUSIC: Stuck In The Middle With You by Stealers Wheel

Have you...

killed anybody?

What's the ideal number of henchmen?

Do you possess a secret bunker and, if so, where?

HE SPEAKS CANTONESE

My father says this is his holiday,

he doesn't wish to talk about business.

Penultimate question, do you like martial arts movies?

Master Of Flying Guillotine.

Now you're talking to me, baby.

Now YOU talking to ME, baby.

Boom!

We're almost there. We've made good time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brampton, Norfolk.

Brampton, Cumbria, Steve.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

LORNA SINGS

It's the chorus, sing the chorus, sing with a high voice.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-# Don't you want me, baby? #

What's that?

-Hey!

-Night.

Dylan's still trying to turn it round with that girl.

Got to give him credit.

Hey, what's wrong with you? You're usually chatty

with a pint inside you.

Oh, erm, OK...

Rachel, would you want to go on a walk with me

to Hadrian's Wall?

It's a really famous wall, it's a nice...nice wall.

Erm, yeah, that'd be cool.

That would be right up Dad's street too. Probably give us a lift.

Maybe just the two of us, just go on a walk.

-Just the two of us.

-Yeah.

-Tomorrow.

-OK, sure.

-Copy.

So, Ling, what brings you to England?

When my dad found out about Dale,

he sent me to the countryside.

There was no internet, no way of talking to Dale.

I have a dream that Dale and I can move back to England together.

I could get a steady job in a mid-level law firm.

-That's what I do.

-Really? You're so lucky.

-Yes, I really am.

-I dream of a quiet English life.

Drinking lager in your English pubs, maybe the occasional trip to

London to see the latest Ed Sheeran concert.

Ed Sheeran, shamefully underrated.

We'd have a little house in the provinces, purpose built.

Period's prettier, but...

-BOTH:

-Pretty doesn't pay the heating bills.

Ben...

..has anyone ever told you you look like David Beckham?

No, no-one has ever said that to me.

Awesome.

How about a bit of radio?

# People fall in love in mysterious ways

# Maybe just the touch of a hand... #

I actually feel kind of relieved...

when Ling never replied to any of my e-mails.

Dale, there's something I should probably tell you.

No, there's actually something I want to tell you too.

-Yeah, OK.

-OK.

Look, I pride myself on my perceptiveness...

..but all these months, it seems I haven't been able to see

what's staring me right in the face.

Right.

It's you.

Even when you thought it was weird us making out, you know,

-because I'm your dead husband's son.

-Shh.

No.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, what's that?

It's nothing, it's absolutely nothing,

-it's Ben checking on the plants.

-He loves those plants.

-Yeah.

-That's incredible, isn't it?

-Look at that.

Big Jack's son, eh?

-I do see the family resemblance.

-They're dead ringers.

-Yeah, well, well, well. There you go.

-Thanks very much.

No problem.

-You're still paying for that, by the way.

-Oh, yeah.

-And Jack owed me 40 quid when he died, so...

-Oh, I don't think...

Only joking you.

-So, what is it you want to know?

-Well, I mean, everything.

What did he do for a living?

Oh, in his youth, he raced cars for a living.

And he were a drinker. A brilliant but tortured man.

The lover of many beautiful women.

-OK...

-But then, when he stopped racing, I don't know,

it was like he lost the whole direction of his life.

So he travelled the world.

Every adventure you can imagine.

Eventually he came back and settled in his old home town,

drinking out his days with his old school pals,

banging out tunes on the joanna.

I bet you do something exciting in your life, don't you, eh?

It's in the genes, eh? Eh?

-I'm a solicitor on the high street.

-On paternity leave.

Right.

Still, I'm sure you've got some good stories to say about your life.

I mean, Big Jack used to keep this pub entertained for hours.

-Tell them some exciting stories from your life.

-Go on, go on.

Well...

I... BARMAN CHUCKLES

Erm...

That was another level.

Top lovemaking from you there, Rach.

Thank you.

-PHONE TEXT TONE

-Oh, your phone.

-Oh, no, Dale.

-Oh, it's just Ben. He says Ling is com...

"Ling is coming"? What is this?

"Ling is almost here"? What is this?

Oh, erm, yeah, Ben called,

but I must have forgotten in the heat of passion.

What?!

How could you forget about that? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I've cheated on somebody who loves me.

This is not good! This is not good, Dale!

Dale, you haven't done anything wrong.

Why would she not sent word that she's coming?

Like, how could she just turn up like this?

OK, Dale, a couple of weeks back there was, erm...

-a letter from China.

-A letter for me?

Mm-hm.

Wait, have you been hiding this from me the whole time?

I wanted you to forget about her. I love you, Dale.

You've done bad, Rachel.

DOOR OPENS

-I don't know why you have to hit me, Lorna.

-Well, I can't sleep.

-You sound like a hippo.

-HE SNIFFS

RACHEL SOBS

Dale's going away, Mum.

He's going back to China with Ling.

Oh, Rach.

CAR HORN

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Well, this is nice.

Sorry. When I feel awkward,

I just keep chatting my head off and this is awkward.

What about some cake? Would some tasty cakes

-stop anybody feeling weird? Mr Zai, can I offer you...?

-Xi.

Xi, it's Mr Xi.

Sorry, Mr Xi, would you like some sticky bun?

HE SPEAKS CANTONESE

My father is not hungry or thirsty.

Well, fair enough.

I'll take them.

Where is Dale?

DOOR OPENS

My father wants Dale to know he has decided to be merciful

and let him marry me.

Dale will fly to Shanghai and he will join the family.

Mr Xi...

..I truly am honoured...

..but, I have to be honest...

..I'm in love with Rachel.

I think I always was.

Hi.

-Oh, it's lovely to meet you.

-Yeah.

Thank you.

But I actually like being a nanny better.

This is where I belong.

-It's OK.

-It is?

If you love Rachel, it is right we are not together.

Well, great. Fantastic. Maybe we could all go down to the pub...?

-No!

-GUNSHOT

HE SHOUTS

No! My daughter not good enough for you?

We're here to find husband, she have husband.

Erm, my father says you should reconsider

and do not embarrass him a second time, Dale, because if so...

-HE SHOUTS

-..he must kill all new family members.

Apart from Steve Chance, who's ace.

Thank you. Sorry.

Just going to go...

You know what, on second thought, I think

I should probably go back to China and marry Ling.

-Yeah.

-I think it's a good idea, Dale.

-Good shout.

Good idea, it's a brilliant idea.

You should definitely go to... Hmm?

We take your car, Steve Chance.

Wait.

Take me with you. Train me as a Triad.

I want to help you expand your business beyond the Yangtze,

up into the frozen north.

Or, failing that,

Litchfield is currently without Triad representation.

That would suit equally. Please.

-My father says you are a merry little fellow...

-Thank you.

-..but weak.

-Oh.

Take his gun. Take it in memory of his friendship.

We shall always have Cumbria and Norfolk.

Thank you.

Who goes there?

-Whoa!

-What is going on?

Ling's dad's arrived and he's insisting that Dale...

No, what are you doing here? I need the house.

I sent a text.

For fuck's sake!

Chief Ken.

Lorna.

KEN SIGHS

Dylan, I'm going to miss you.

Ha-ha! Got you back, you twat.

-Dylan.

-What? It's our thing.

I can't believe this is goodbye.

-I hope one day we'll meet again in another life.

-OK.

Maybe as eagles.

MUSIC: Holocene by Bon Iver

# You fucked it, friend

# It's on its head It struck the street

# You're in Milwaukee, off your feet

# And at once I knew I was not magnificent... #

Rach, I'm so sorry.

Come on.

-Fancy coming to my room?

-OK.

Best come inside. You OK, love?

Just a bit short of breath.

I left my Ventolin at home, so it's probably...

Oh, right. Well, come on, then.

No, Lorna, do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes, obvs.

-I mean, like a thunderbolt? Completely irrational?

-Are you OK?

Your face has gone weird.

Lorna, I'm not Rachel's bestie, I'm not anyone's bestie...

..because I love Ling.

But Ling loves Dale.

No, we get on. Me and Ling get on.

-I think she prefers me.

-Really?

-Really.

-Seriously?

I'm telling you, she likes me back. And I love Ling.

MUSIC: Danger! High Voltage by Electric Six

Everyone get in the car, maybe we can still stop Dale.

I'm in the front, Lorna.

Come on!

# Fire in the disco... #

At this rate, we won't catch my Golf GTI.

-It eats roads like this for breakfast.

-Shut up, Steve.

Hold on.

THEY SCREAM

How's this for a high-street solicitor?

-Nice one, Ken.

-I've hurt my knee.

Oh, Jesus!

-Can anyone see them?

-There he is! There!

Hold on.

Hold on!

Travelling in the car with Steve McQueen.

The actor, not the director.

Go, Ken. Stop!

Dale!

-Ken, do think you can get a little closer?

-Why?

GUN COCKS Steve!

-Fucking hell, Steve!

-Dale's in there.

Not good enough for the Triads, eh?

What the fuck?!

THEY SCREAM

# Danger, danger. #

Oh, my God, Steve.

HE SHOUTS

-You idiot!

-He's got a gun!

You betrayed me, Steve Chance.

Go right, go right, go right.

Stop, she's hit her head.

-Ling!

-Out of the way, I'm a doctor.

I'm sorry, Mr Xi, she's dead.

-No!

-HE YELLS

Ling, Ling, I've only just found you.

Move away from the body and keep the area clear.

No!

# People fall in love in mysterious ways

# Maybe just a touch of your hand

# Well, me I fall in love with you... #

# Every single day... #

# And I just want to tell you I am... #

Ling!

# So, honey, now

-SCREECHING:

-# Take me into your loving arms, darling. #

Let's maybe not sing now, OK?

-You're supposed to be a doctor, you said she was dead.

-She looked dead.

I must be getting rusty.

OK. You come to China.

Since I'm moving to Shanghai, I guess I'll have to finish those

-Curtis mortgages remotely.

-Ben...

we're going to miss you, come here.

You go. Go in the law.

-Bye, Ben.

-Yeah, OK, bye.

Let's do this! I hardly know her, but this is going to be great.

Bye, Ben, you'll be fine.

-Bye, bestie.

-Bye, buddy.

I really love that guy.

I hope he survives.

So you had your adventure.

Yeah, I think that'll do, actually, Lorna.

-We'll start small, Ken, protection...

-Shut up, Steve.

MUSIC: Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root

Now, where were we?

-GUNSHOTS

-I'm Steve. Steve.

Know my name.

Steve! Steve.

-What's he doing?

-Idiot.

-Right, then, family, shall we continue our holiday?

-Yes.

-Right.

-We could go for a nice long walk this afternoon.

-Oh, Dad!

# Well, I would like to hold my little hand

# And we will run, we will crawl We will

# I would like to hold my little hand

# We will run, we will crawl

-# Send me on my way

-On my way

-# Send me on my way

-On my way

-# Send me on my way

-On my way

-# Send me on my way

-On my way

-# Send me on my way

-On my way. #