Sid's Big Day Cuckoo

This programme contains strong language

It was supposed to be a small thing. Why did you have to invite so many people?

-You agreed to a party, Ken. Parties require people.

-No. I agreed to a gathering.

Have it on a Sunday. Cut-off time, 5pm.

Leave the evening free to watch Coast.

Don't be such a grinch.

How often do you get to have a baby naming day?

Well, as it's a completely made up ceremony, I'd say...

well, whenever you want. DOOR OPENS

All right, Dale. You've been gone hours.

Yeah, just got a lot on my mind.

Worrying about Ling.

If she'll ever be in touch again.

I just...I started running.

Before I knew it, I was in a place called Wolverhampton.

The jewel of the Midlands.

Oh, poor Dale!

Anyway, booze, got.

Snacks, got.

All we need now is to decide

who's going to conduct the baby naming ceremony.

Oh, Chief Ken, Chief Ken, Chief Ken?

Something you want to say, Dale?

Please let me do this for Sid.

He is the best darn baby uncle I have ever had

and I would cherish the chance to repay him.

I don't know.

A lot is expected of the guy

who does ye olde atheist baby naming ceremony.

-PHONE CHIMES

-Oh, what?

Zoe's coming to the party

and she's bringing her new boyfriend from uni.

Ooh, bit awks.

Oh, she's playing mind games, the bitch.

Well, if that's what she wants, then this player's going to play.

Oh, God.

Play, play, play.

Course you can do it, Dale.

Ha-ha! Yes!

I don't know what it is, but I'm getting started right now!

HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE

I know that car horn.

HORN BEEPS

Lorna...

could you tell me why my dad's 1976 Triumph Stag is on the driveway?

Ken, I might have forgotten to mention...

I sent an invite to your mum for Sunday.

Interesting,

because I did expressly ask you not to.

Ken, I didn't think she'd come.

-Cooee!

-SHE LAUGHS

Oh, Lorna!

Belinda.

-You look lovely.

-You, too.

Kenneth.

I see you drove Dad's car all the way from Spain.

Well, not all the way.

I had to have a tow through the Pyrenees

after I blew the oil pump.

You did what?

I'm joking, Ken. Oh, God!

He's always been so easy to wind up.

And cars are made to be driven.

Not this one. It is a classic.

It belongs under a nonstatic tarp,

only to be viewed by a select group of men,

who have equal reverence for its beauty.

Yes, well...

I asked Alan and...

he says he wants me to drive it.

Well, as long as Dad's ghost thinks it's OK.

Thanks for asking him, by the way.

It always makes things so much clearer.

Right.

Now, where are my gorgeous grandchildren?

SHE LAUGHS

Cooee!

-Oh!

-Nan!

Oh, hello.

-Oh, you look amazing!

-You, too. Listen...

I meant to send you a card when you got married to that American chap,

but, you know...

Also, I meant to send you a consolation card

when he fell off that mountain,

but it slipped my mind.

Oh! Shouldn't have said slipped.

Well, the important thing is you're here now, so...

Chief Ken? Is this the family matriarch?

Yes.

Mum, this is Dale. He's our...nanny.

Dale, this is my mother, Belinda.

Oh, Belinda.

Behold.

Your step great-grandson.

Oh, what lovely manners. Hello, Dale.

And this must be...

-Oh, yes. The big guy.

-BELINDA GASPS

Oh!

What a lovely fat baby!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Someone won't need a paternity test!

Well, if he's anything like Ken, it'll all fall off aged two.

And come flooding back age 16.

What are you calling him?

Sid.

Oh, no. Bleurgh.

Sid isn't a name. It's a noise.

You should call him...

Horatio.

Oh, it's a perfect name for a fire sign!

Lorna, speak to me. Horatio, does it suit?

-Well, actually...

-We are calling him Sid.

Well, I shall call him Horatio.

You can insist on being perverse,

but there's no reason for your mum to rise to it.

-SHE GASPS

-Horatio. Horatio.

Horatio...

There we go.

Nice strong brew for you, Belinda.

-BELINDA GASPS

-Thanks.

-Kenneth?

Go on.

So...

Mum...

we should probably talk about the car, while it's on my driveway.

You do remember Dad left it to me?

Your dad said a lot of things towards the end.

Once he told me he regretted ever meeting me,

and that our marriage was a sham!

Yeah, well... He did bequeath it to me, so...

Oh! Out comes the fancy language.

Can I at least take it for a drive?

Absolutely not. Your driving? You're far too emotional.

You get yourself all worked up.

You're behind the wheel, Next thing you know...

Just so you know, this happened once, in 1985.

..your car's round a lamppost.

-It was 1985.

-Well, maybe not a lamppost,

-but you crashed it.

-It was 1985.

-You should have seen the state of the bonnet, after he...

-It was 1985.

IT WAS 1985!

Bequeath -

"to hand down or pass on".

It's a very common word.

In the 16th century.

We've had five wonderful years without her.

Why couldn't she have just stayed in Spain, like an ordinary mother?

Oh, Ken, she is nice.

I mean, I know she has her funny ideas, but...

You know she still calls those phone lines every day

to hear her horoscope from Spain.

Imagine growing up with a person like that.

And then there was the...

-..singing thing?

-Yes, that thing.

Look...

I don't mind Mum being a mentalist,

if she is not being mental all the time.

I mean, what was she thinking, driving that car around?

Were you one of those kids

that kept their toys in their boxes and never played with them?

It depreciates the value.

Give her a chance, love.

Are your eyes still open and your arms folded?

No.

You know, you could at least let me help you set things up.

Relax, Belinda! Everything is fine. It's just so great to have you here.

-BOTTLES RATTLE

-Ken's so pleased to have you here.

Hm, I don't believe that.

I'm afraid Kenneth will always be angry with the world.

There's nothing so sad as a frustrated artist.

How is Dad a frustrated artist?

Oh, in his youth, your father was a wonderful singer.

The voice of a little angel.

I used to take him round all the local music festivals.

Ooh, the performances he gave.

Course, he gave it all up to spite me.

Please tell me there are videos.

Ken's Morning Has Broken...

it would make your spirit soar.

I would give anything to hear it again.

Dad!

Oh, Dad!

So how come you made it this time?

We haven't seen you for years, Belinda.

Well, obviously, to meet Horatio.

-Sid.

-Whichever.

The point stands, I came to see my family.

OK. You can see through me.

But you have to promise not to give me away.

Absolutely.

I am ace at keeping secrets.

Well, the real reason is,

there's something I need to tell Kenneth.

Oh.

No. He should know first.

I need to find the right time. And soon.

Why? Is there a deadline?

Well, I suppose there is the one big deadline.

And I'm closer to mine than most.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm talking about death, Lorna.

Yes.

Yes, I got that.

HE SIGHS

HE WHISPERS: You beauty.

These tarot cards are powerful mystic tools,

which will reveal secrets known

-only to the gods.

-DOOR SHUTS

Oh, spooky.

Oh, no.

Not tarot, now, as well.

-Dale, pay no heed to that nonsense.

-Ssh, Dad!

We're just getting started. Go on, Nan. Turn a card over.

Very well.

I will turn the first card,

which is...

IN MENACING VOICE: Death! Ha-ha-ha!

-What?

-Ken, it's not Death.

It's the Two of Cups.

Oh, sorry. My mistake.

What does Two of Cups mean?

We shall know more when the next card comes, which is...

IN MENACING VOICE: Death!

-Dad!

-Oh, for God's sake. It's not Death.

It's another two.

IN MENACING VOICE: Snap!

Oh, Kenneth. I know you've never believed in my third eye.

-Not in front of the children, please, Mother.

-Stop it.

Your scepticism is terribly hurtful.

I've helped many people.

Yeah, Dad. Give over.

Oh, sorry. Whoooo, spooky!

Go on, Nan.

So, Two of Cups, Two of Ones...

Dale, I see a girl.

And she is pining for you.

With a love that is pure and undying.

She has loved you for many months,

though there have been obstacles in her path.

-Yeah.

-MYSTIC MUSIC

And she will prevail.

HE LAUGHS

Yes! Wh..where? Where is she?

She is...

..to the East.

Could be Shanghai.

No, that... That doesn't sound very likely, Dale.

I mean, what was that last card?

The Sun.

OK, yeah. I see how that's Easty -

but could it mean somewhere hot?

Well, it's an interpretation.

Shanghai is hot.

Or maybe it could mean that she's fiery or tans easily?

Or has a sunny personality.

I mean, can we be certain what this really means,

or if that girl even exists?

Nothing is certain with the tarot.

Nothing! All meaningless.

Ah, cool!

-SHE SIGHS

-Well...

Dale, the ceremony's tomorrow, shouldn't you be...

researching?

-Yeah, should probably do that.

-Yeah! Come on then.

Thanks, Nan. That was lovely.

Hello. Yes. Can I speak to my consultant, please?

-SHE SIGHS

-Well, I suppose another one will do.

Hello. Yes.

It's cancer.

No, go on.

Tell me what I need to know.

Oh, God, that soon?

SHE GASPS QUIETLY

Well, yes. I was wondering about that moon in Aquarius.

HE CHANTS

DOOR OPENS

-Hi,

-Mom! Hi.

You liking my props for tomorrow?

-Yeah.

-This ceremony is going to be so amazing,

Uncle Sid's going to poop himself.

Yeah, well, in all likelihood.

-THEY LAUGH

-Sorry. You were chanting and, erm...

-and weaving.

-That's all right. Here, come check it out.

This is a tribal blanket I had to weave.

-Oh.

-Pretty cool.

Yeah, there's so many ceremonies that name babies around the world,

and they are all so beautiful,

I figured, why not just combine them all into one?

-Oh, right. Like a...like a mashup?

-Yeah, exactly.

Do you mind helping me run through it all?

Yeah, sure. What you want me to do?

-On the day, it's going to be me and Sid.

-Mm-hm.

So I figured I could be me

-and you could be Sid.

-OK.

-OK.

SHE WAILS

-What?!

-THEY LAUGH

That's amazing!

The only thing is, he's probably going to be on his back,

waving his arms in the air.

Let's imagine that bit.

All right. Let's do it.

Ken?

Will you do something...for me?

It depends what it is.

First, you have to swear that you'll do that for me.

It's just a small thing.

All right.

I swear it.

Take your mother on a drive tomorrow morning,

before the party.

Make peace with her.

Lorna, you traitor.

That is not a small thing.

Please.

Have some...alone time with her.

Do it for me.

You can take the...Stagmobile.

It's called a Stag.

Ken?

You won't have her forever.

-DALE:

-'And then...'

I take the water from the coconut

and sprinkle it on Sid.

-Dale, stop it!

-What?

Dale, give me that!

THEY LAUGH

-OK, OK.

-No, but this is serious.

Remember, if you mess this up, I'll be without a name.

Right. OK, sorry.

-Serious.

-Yes.

SHE LAUGHS

Then, I, er...

take the kohl.

OK.

-Oh.

-And...

I line...

Sid's eyes.

And then your cheeks.

And then, I erm...

..I feed you honey.

Oh, just...

-SHE MUMBLES

-Oh.

THEY LAUGH

What next?

I take this corn on the cob and I...

rub it all over you.

-Well, I think you've got it from here.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-OK. Thank you.

-THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

DOOR SHUTS

BIRDS CHEEP

Yes, very impressive, Mother.

We could, perhaps, slow down a little, eh?

Your father didn't like driving fast. I always said,

"Trust the universe, Alan,

"and it will send no pedestrians".

And it rarely did.

You know, Lorna thinks I'm mean to you.

Oh, soak it up.

Your children never forgive you for falling short of perfection.

HE LAUGHS

Is that what you think?

As a mother, you fall short of perfection?

I had hoped this would be a chance to chat,

have a nice time.

What do I need to do?

What will make this a pleasant time,

where we can talk like a mother and her son?

There is something you could do, actually.

ENGINE REVS

You little cracker.

Like a choir of throaty young beauties.

ENGINE REVS

No time like the present, Ken. Time to drive it.

-ENGINE REVS

-Drive on.

Yes, I'm going to. Thank you, Mother.

ENGINE REVS

And...

second gear.

And indicator, Kenneth.

Where's your indicator?

And...

third gear.

Mother, I am a driver of 30 years' standing.

Don't throw one of your ridiculous tantrums again -

and use your mirrors. Your father always said,

"Kenneth is a stranger to mirrors.

"It's a wonder he knows what he looks like".

Eyes on the road.

Can you please stop back-seat driving?

Keep calm. You cannot afford to lose your temper like this.

So predictable. When I saw your horoscope this morning,

I knew you'd be stubborn, stubborn...

I'm not going to let this rile me up.

ENGINE REVS I am not going to let you get to me.

SHE TALKS I'm going to rise above it.

CAR ACCELERATES I am going to rise above it.

I am going to rise above it!

SAD PIANO MUSIC

DOORBELL RINGS

What the fuck? Back off!

Welcome to the multi-faith blessing ceremony

for Uncle Sid Thompson.

Please come in. Take a flower lei.

CROWD MURMURS

MUSIC PLAYS

What's going on?

Well, every religion in the world

has its own way of welcoming a newborn child.

I am taking the most beautiful blessings from each,

giving them to Sid, so that every god loves him.

Sounds a bit foreign.

Zoe! Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.

All right, Dylan? How's non-university life?

Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's great,

being a real man in the real world.

Did you get my text?

I brought my fit new boyfriend along.

I hope that's not too upsetting for you.

Max, right?

Put it there, fella.

You are very welcome, my friend.

DYLAN SIGHS

Right, so...who do you guys know?

Erm...

Ah! Laura's over there.

She is looking hot. You know Laura?

I think you used to be best friends with her, didn't you?

Yeah. And then you snogged her brother

and she chucked you off the swimming team. Yeah.

Oh, you so don't want to do this.

Do what, Zoe?

Something awkward for you?

I'll see you around.

Yep.

Yep. See you around.

Three packs of sausage rolls I bought.

You ate them before the guests even arrived.

Lorna, I've had a near-death experience.

My mother tried to kill me.

To be fair, you were driving.

She knew what she was doing.

Ken! You should make up with her.

You'd miss her if she was gone.

Yeah...like I'd miss a flushed turd.

-Oh, Ken!

-Hey, Ken.

-Oh, God.

I noticed you ran out of sausage rolls.

Not to worry. When I come to a party,

I bring my own supply...

of bhajis.

I have to say, Ken, I am impressed at the talent.

Who is that?

That is my mother.

Oh!

The family resemblance is uncanny.

And, may I say...

..hubba, hubba.

No, you may not.

Hubba, hubba.

Stop this. HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY

HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY

HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY

Can't say much for the wine.

My palate craves a more...

mature vintage.

Bhaji, Mrs Thompson?

Are you a friend of Ken's?

-I'm Ken's best friend.

-Oh!

Steve Chance.

GP, but former GP.

Soon to be a dotcom billionaire.

Can I ask you a very forward question?

Depends what it is.

Was Ken a muscular child?

Belinda, can I just have a quick word?

-I was...

-Sorry, Steve.

You really need to tell your news to Ken, Belinda.

It's not fair to keep him in the dark.

He's obviously furious with me.

I think that's why he sent over that strange Steve man.

Maybe I won't say anything.

No, maybe I'll just slip away quietly.

Oh, you can't do that!

Well, I don't think I'll miss much.

A slow winding down, some drawn-out goodbyes.

SHE SIGHS

-Hey, Dylan.

-Hey, Zo. You cool?

You're really going to do this?

Pull Laura just to get me?

Zoe! What a thing to say!

You bet I am. And I'm going to enjoy it, too.

You don't even fancy Laura!

Nah, I don't even like her as a person.

But, here's the thing, Zo. See, you've got to understand.

You can't go playing mind games with the mind games master, yeah?

So, what are we going to call this, then?

A check-a-mate.

Er, Laura...

Hi. Er...

we were just talking about...

someone other than you.

-Dick.

-Er, babe, I...

You are good.

God, you are good.

-SHE SIGHS

-Ken?

Will you please make peace with your mother?

She is talking about leaving.

Good. She can sod off back to Spain and choke on a chorizo.

I wasn't meant to say this, but...

..she's dying, Ken.

Dying?

What do you mean?

I mean...

she's dying.

That must have been what she came to tell you.

But you were too pig-headed...

to let her in.

But...

but she looks so well!

She's so very brave, Ken.

Oh, Mum!

Dale?

Can I ask you something?

Sure, Chief Ken.

GONG CLASHES

Greetings, everybody. Soon we will begin the baby naming ceremony.

But, first, Chief Ken would like to say a few words.

-APPLAUSE

-Yes!

-Whoo!

Thanks. I, erm...

I hadn't planned to do this, so bear with me. Erm...

I just wanted to say that...

sometimes you realise that...

our time is short.

And that the most important thing...

is to make those that we love happy.

HE SNIFFS

This is for you.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

# Morning has broken

# Like the first morning

# Blackbird has spoken

# Like the first bird... #

CAMERA BEEPS

# Praise for the singing

# Praise for the morning

# Praise for the springing

# Fresh from the world. #

APPLAUSE

# Mine is the

# Sunlight VOICE WAVERS

IN OPERATIC STYLE: # Mine is the morning

# Born of the one light

# Eden saw play

# Praise with elation

# Praise every morning

# God's recreation

IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE: # Of the new

# Day! #

APPLAUSE Thank you.

That's for you, Mum.

-DYLAN:

-Bloody golden!

Mum, have you got the e-mail for dad's office?

Terrible, Ken.

I'm just a friend saying that.

Well, if you knew anything about music,

you'd know it was actually incredible, so...

Bellend.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

You were wonderful!

Oh, you did that for me! Oh!

Do you feel that wind?

That's Alan.

It feels like a proud wind.

GONG CLASHES

Ladies and gentlemen...

-BABY CRIES

-Oh!

-Oh!

-ALL:

-Aww!

-Hello, little Sid!

-Look at you!

Every culture celebrates the arrival of a baby

-in a different way.

-MYSTICAL MUSIC

The Chinese bless their children

with red thread, and, so...

I shall take this thread

and tie it in Uncle Sid's hair.

-ALL:

-Aww!

I shut you out, Mum.

And that was wrong of me.

Oh, Ken.

-What's got into you?

-In Japan...

-the umbilical cord...

-I just want you to know that...

-..is packaged...

-..I will miss you.

..inside a small, wooden box.

..when you're gone.

-Oh, back to Spain?

-As we are lacking an umbilical cord...

-No, I mean...

..we will use a piece of spaghetti.

..I mean when you die.

A bit morbid, Kenneth.

Come on.

I know.

-Thank you.

-KEN SIGHS

Lorna told me about your announcement.

I know you're dying.

No, I'm not dying.

What?!

-Lorna!

-Hindus perform the ceremony Jatakarma...

-Come here!

-..to present the baby honey at birth.

Mum's not dying!

She is.

Aren't you?

I think I would know.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, bollocks! The last hour is a void!

I only sang that, cos I thought you were a goner.

-Ken, she had big news.

-DALE CHANTS

I heard her talking to her consultant.

My horoscope consultant.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes. That does make sense.

DALE SHOUTS IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you all

by not being terminally ill.

Now for a quick costume change.

Oh, come on, Belinda.

No-one wants you to be TERMINALLY ill.

-You can speak for yourself.

-Anyway, I do have big news.

Ssh! Guys!

Dale's worked really hard at this!

Come on. Spit it out.

-Well...

-Come on, Belinda.

-In accordance with Jewish...

-Whatever it is, just tell us!

..I shall perform the bris.

The thing I came to tell you was...

-Hey, Dad. You might want to see this.

-Not now, Dylan.

..Alan was not your real father.

KEN GASPS

MUSIC BUILDS

No, no, Dad, seriously.

I was already pregnant when I met Alan.

What?! MUSIC BUILDS

AUDIENCE GASPS

-ALL:

-Oh!

BABY CRIES What just happened?

Dale just circumcised Sid.

-What?!

-Mazeltov!

BABY CRIES

Bloody hell!

Do you think Uncle Sid will forgive me?

BABY GURGLES

Of course he will!

I mean...

some ladies prefer it, Dale.

-Don't they, Rach?

-Mm-hm.

-And the important thing is...

-LETTERBOX CLICKS

..did you enjoy your ceremony, Dale?

Did it...

take your mind off things?

It really did.

I just... I've been so in my head

about Ling and China.

It's nice to remember who my real family are.

-LORNA SIGHS

-Oh!

Nothing.

-Just going for a jog.

-Oh.

-You OK?

-Yeah! Totally fine!

-OK.

-OK.

Oh, yeah.

MUSIC: Fool of Me by Say Lou Lou

# I got plenty left

# Stored up in my chest

# I'll top you up

# With the taste that I've now forgot

# You made a fool of me

# Lover

# You made a fool of me

# How funny

# I've been told

# I am cold

# And known to sting

# Forgive me, I have sinned. #