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This programme contains strong language
It was supposed to be a small thing. Why did you have to invite so many people?
-You agreed to a party, Ken. Parties require people.
-No. I agreed to a gathering.
Have it on a Sunday. Cut-off time, 5pm.
Leave the evening free to watch Coast.
Don't be such a grinch.
How often do you get to have a baby naming day?
Well, as it's a completely made up ceremony, I'd say...
well, whenever you want. DOOR OPENS
All right, Dale. You've been gone hours.
Yeah, just got a lot on my mind.
Worrying about Ling.
If she'll ever be in touch again.
I just...I started running.
Before I knew it, I was in a place called Wolverhampton.
The jewel of the Midlands.
Oh, poor Dale!
Anyway, booze, got.
All we need now is to decide
who's going to conduct the baby naming ceremony.
Oh, Chief Ken, Chief Ken, Chief Ken?
Something you want to say, Dale?
Please let me do this for Sid.
He is the best darn baby uncle I have ever had
and I would cherish the chance to repay him.
I don't know.
A lot is expected of the guy
who does ye olde atheist baby naming ceremony.
Zoe's coming to the party
and she's bringing her new boyfriend from uni.
Ooh, bit awks.
Oh, she's playing mind games, the bitch.
Well, if that's what she wants, then this player's going to play.
Play, play, play.
Course you can do it, Dale.
I don't know what it is, but I'm getting started right now!
HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE
I know that car horn.
could you tell me why my dad's 1976 Triumph Stag is on the driveway?
Ken, I might have forgotten to mention...
I sent an invite to your mum for Sunday.
because I did expressly ask you not to.
Ken, I didn't think she'd come.
-You look lovely.
I see you drove Dad's car all the way from Spain.
Well, not all the way.
I had to have a tow through the Pyrenees
after I blew the oil pump.
You did what?
I'm joking, Ken. Oh, God!
He's always been so easy to wind up.
And cars are made to be driven.
Not this one. It is a classic.
It belongs under a nonstatic tarp,
only to be viewed by a select group of men,
who have equal reverence for its beauty.
I asked Alan and...
he says he wants me to drive it.
Well, as long as Dad's ghost thinks it's OK.
Thanks for asking him, by the way.
It always makes things so much clearer.
Now, where are my gorgeous grandchildren?
-Oh, you look amazing!
-You, too. Listen...
I meant to send you a card when you got married to that American chap,
but, you know...
Also, I meant to send you a consolation card
when he fell off that mountain,
but it slipped my mind.
Oh! Shouldn't have said slipped.
Well, the important thing is you're here now, so...
Chief Ken? Is this the family matriarch?
Mum, this is Dale. He's our...nanny.
Dale, this is my mother, Belinda.
Your step great-grandson.
Oh, what lovely manners. Hello, Dale.
And this must be...
-Oh, yes. The big guy.
What a lovely fat baby!
-Someone won't need a paternity test!
Well, if he's anything like Ken, it'll all fall off aged two.
And come flooding back age 16.
What are you calling him?
Oh, no. Bleurgh.
Sid isn't a name. It's a noise.
You should call him...
Oh, it's a perfect name for a fire sign!
Lorna, speak to me. Horatio, does it suit?
-We are calling him Sid.
Well, I shall call him Horatio.
You can insist on being perverse,
but there's no reason for your mum to rise to it.
There we go.
Nice strong brew for you, Belinda.
we should probably talk about the car, while it's on my driveway.
You do remember Dad left it to me?
Your dad said a lot of things towards the end.
Once he told me he regretted ever meeting me,
and that our marriage was a sham!
Yeah, well... He did bequeath it to me, so...
Oh! Out comes the fancy language.
Can I at least take it for a drive?
Absolutely not. Your driving? You're far too emotional.
You get yourself all worked up.
You're behind the wheel, Next thing you know...
Just so you know, this happened once, in 1985.
..your car's round a lamppost.
-It was 1985.
-Well, maybe not a lamppost,
-but you crashed it.
-It was 1985.
-You should have seen the state of the bonnet, after he...
-It was 1985.
IT WAS 1985!
"to hand down or pass on".
It's a very common word.
In the 16th century.
We've had five wonderful years without her.
Why couldn't she have just stayed in Spain, like an ordinary mother?
Oh, Ken, she is nice.
I mean, I know she has her funny ideas, but...
You know she still calls those phone lines every day
to hear her horoscope from Spain.
Imagine growing up with a person like that.
And then there was the...
-Yes, that thing.
I don't mind Mum being a mentalist,
if she is not being mental all the time.
I mean, what was she thinking, driving that car around?
Were you one of those kids
that kept their toys in their boxes and never played with them?
It depreciates the value.
Give her a chance, love.
Are your eyes still open and your arms folded?
You know, you could at least let me help you set things up.
Relax, Belinda! Everything is fine. It's just so great to have you here.
-Ken's so pleased to have you here.
Hm, I don't believe that.
I'm afraid Kenneth will always be angry with the world.
There's nothing so sad as a frustrated artist.
How is Dad a frustrated artist?
Oh, in his youth, your father was a wonderful singer.
The voice of a little angel.
I used to take him round all the local music festivals.
Ooh, the performances he gave.
Course, he gave it all up to spite me.
Please tell me there are videos.
Ken's Morning Has Broken...
it would make your spirit soar.
I would give anything to hear it again.
So how come you made it this time?
We haven't seen you for years, Belinda.
Well, obviously, to meet Horatio.
The point stands, I came to see my family.
OK. You can see through me.
But you have to promise not to give me away.
I am ace at keeping secrets.
Well, the real reason is,
there's something I need to tell Kenneth.
No. He should know first.
I need to find the right time. And soon.
Why? Is there a deadline?
Well, I suppose there is the one big deadline.
And I'm closer to mine than most.
I'm talking about death, Lorna.
Yes, I got that.
HE WHISPERS: You beauty.
These tarot cards are powerful mystic tools,
which will reveal secrets known
-only to the gods.
Not tarot, now, as well.
-Dale, pay no heed to that nonsense.
We're just getting started. Go on, Nan. Turn a card over.
I will turn the first card,
IN MENACING VOICE: Death! Ha-ha-ha!
-Ken, it's not Death.
It's the Two of Cups.
Oh, sorry. My mistake.
What does Two of Cups mean?
We shall know more when the next card comes, which is...
IN MENACING VOICE: Death!
-Oh, for God's sake. It's not Death.
It's another two.
IN MENACING VOICE: Snap!
Oh, Kenneth. I know you've never believed in my third eye.
-Not in front of the children, please, Mother.
Your scepticism is terribly hurtful.
I've helped many people.
Yeah, Dad. Give over.
Oh, sorry. Whoooo, spooky!
Go on, Nan.
So, Two of Cups, Two of Ones...
Dale, I see a girl.
And she is pining for you.
With a love that is pure and undying.
She has loved you for many months,
though there have been obstacles in her path.
And she will prevail.
Yes! Wh..where? Where is she?
..to the East.
Could be Shanghai.
No, that... That doesn't sound very likely, Dale.
I mean, what was that last card?
OK, yeah. I see how that's Easty -
but could it mean somewhere hot?
Well, it's an interpretation.
Shanghai is hot.
Or maybe it could mean that she's fiery or tans easily?
Or has a sunny personality.
I mean, can we be certain what this really means,
or if that girl even exists?
Nothing is certain with the tarot.
Nothing! All meaningless.
Dale, the ceremony's tomorrow, shouldn't you be...
-Yeah, should probably do that.
-Yeah! Come on then.
Thanks, Nan. That was lovely.
Hello. Yes. Can I speak to my consultant, please?
-Well, I suppose another one will do.
No, go on.
Tell me what I need to know.
Oh, God, that soon?
SHE GASPS QUIETLY
Well, yes. I was wondering about that moon in Aquarius.
You liking my props for tomorrow?
-This ceremony is going to be so amazing,
Uncle Sid's going to poop himself.
Yeah, well, in all likelihood.
-Sorry. You were chanting and, erm...
-That's all right. Here, come check it out.
This is a tribal blanket I had to weave.
Yeah, there's so many ceremonies that name babies around the world,
and they are all so beautiful,
I figured, why not just combine them all into one?
-Oh, right. Like a...like a mashup?
Do you mind helping me run through it all?
Yeah, sure. What you want me to do?
-On the day, it's going to be me and Sid.
So I figured I could be me
-and you could be Sid.
The only thing is, he's probably going to be on his back,
waving his arms in the air.
Let's imagine that bit.
All right. Let's do it.
Will you do something...for me?
It depends what it is.
First, you have to swear that you'll do that for me.
It's just a small thing.
I swear it.
Take your mother on a drive tomorrow morning,
before the party.
Make peace with her.
Lorna, you traitor.
That is not a small thing.
Have some...alone time with her.
Do it for me.
You can take the...Stagmobile.
It's called a Stag.
You won't have her forever.
I take the water from the coconut
and sprinkle it on Sid.
-Dale, stop it!
Dale, give me that!
-No, but this is serious.
Remember, if you mess this up, I'll be without a name.
Right. OK, sorry.
Then, I, er...
take the kohl.
And then your cheeks.
And then, I erm...
..I feed you honey.
I take this corn on the cob and I...
rub it all over you.
-Well, I think you've got it from here.
-OK. Thank you.
-THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY
Yes, very impressive, Mother.
We could, perhaps, slow down a little, eh?
Your father didn't like driving fast. I always said,
"Trust the universe, Alan,
"and it will send no pedestrians".
And it rarely did.
You know, Lorna thinks I'm mean to you.
Oh, soak it up.
Your children never forgive you for falling short of perfection.
Is that what you think?
As a mother, you fall short of perfection?
I had hoped this would be a chance to chat,
have a nice time.
What do I need to do?
What will make this a pleasant time,
where we can talk like a mother and her son?
There is something you could do, actually.
You little cracker.
Like a choir of throaty young beauties.
No time like the present, Ken. Time to drive it.
Yes, I'm going to. Thank you, Mother.
And indicator, Kenneth.
Where's your indicator?
Mother, I am a driver of 30 years' standing.
Don't throw one of your ridiculous tantrums again -
and use your mirrors. Your father always said,
"Kenneth is a stranger to mirrors.
"It's a wonder he knows what he looks like".
Eyes on the road.
Can you please stop back-seat driving?
Keep calm. You cannot afford to lose your temper like this.
So predictable. When I saw your horoscope this morning,
I knew you'd be stubborn, stubborn...
I'm not going to let this rile me up.
ENGINE REVS I am not going to let you get to me.
SHE TALKS I'm going to rise above it.
CAR ACCELERATES I am going to rise above it.
I am going to rise above it!
SAD PIANO MUSIC
What the fuck? Back off!
Welcome to the multi-faith blessing ceremony
for Uncle Sid Thompson.
Please come in. Take a flower lei.
What's going on?
Well, every religion in the world
has its own way of welcoming a newborn child.
I am taking the most beautiful blessings from each,
giving them to Sid, so that every god loves him.
Sounds a bit foreign.
Zoe! Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.
All right, Dylan? How's non-university life?
Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's great,
being a real man in the real world.
Did you get my text?
I brought my fit new boyfriend along.
I hope that's not too upsetting for you.
Put it there, fella.
You are very welcome, my friend.
Right, so...who do you guys know?
Ah! Laura's over there.
She is looking hot. You know Laura?
I think you used to be best friends with her, didn't you?
Yeah. And then you snogged her brother
and she chucked you off the swimming team. Yeah.
Oh, you so don't want to do this.
Do what, Zoe?
Something awkward for you?
I'll see you around.
Yep. See you around.
Three packs of sausage rolls I bought.
You ate them before the guests even arrived.
Lorna, I've had a near-death experience.
My mother tried to kill me.
To be fair, you were driving.
She knew what she was doing.
Ken! You should make up with her.
You'd miss her if she was gone.
Yeah...like I'd miss a flushed turd.
I noticed you ran out of sausage rolls.
Not to worry. When I come to a party,
I bring my own supply...
I have to say, Ken, I am impressed at the talent.
Who is that?
That is my mother.
The family resemblance is uncanny.
And, may I say...
No, you may not.
Stop this. HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY
HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY
HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY
Can't say much for the wine.
My palate craves a more...
Bhaji, Mrs Thompson?
Are you a friend of Ken's?
-I'm Ken's best friend.
GP, but former GP.
Soon to be a dotcom billionaire.
Can I ask you a very forward question?
Depends what it is.
Was Ken a muscular child?
Belinda, can I just have a quick word?
You really need to tell your news to Ken, Belinda.
It's not fair to keep him in the dark.
He's obviously furious with me.
I think that's why he sent over that strange Steve man.
Maybe I won't say anything.
No, maybe I'll just slip away quietly.
Oh, you can't do that!
Well, I don't think I'll miss much.
A slow winding down, some drawn-out goodbyes.
-Hey, Zo. You cool?
You're really going to do this?
Pull Laura just to get me?
Zoe! What a thing to say!
You bet I am. And I'm going to enjoy it, too.
You don't even fancy Laura!
Nah, I don't even like her as a person.
But, here's the thing, Zo. See, you've got to understand.
You can't go playing mind games with the mind games master, yeah?
So, what are we going to call this, then?
we were just talking about...
someone other than you.
-Er, babe, I...
You are good.
God, you are good.
Will you please make peace with your mother?
She is talking about leaving.
Good. She can sod off back to Spain and choke on a chorizo.
I wasn't meant to say this, but...
..she's dying, Ken.
What do you mean?
That must have been what she came to tell you.
But you were too pig-headed...
to let her in.
but she looks so well!
She's so very brave, Ken.
Can I ask you something?
Sure, Chief Ken.
Greetings, everybody. Soon we will begin the baby naming ceremony.
But, first, Chief Ken would like to say a few words.
Thanks. I, erm...
I hadn't planned to do this, so bear with me. Erm...
I just wanted to say that...
sometimes you realise that...
our time is short.
And that the most important thing...
is to make those that we love happy.
This is for you.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
# Morning has broken
# Like the first morning
# Blackbird has spoken
# Like the first bird... #
# Praise for the singing
# Praise for the morning
# Praise for the springing
# Fresh from the world. #
# Mine is the
# Sunlight VOICE WAVERS
IN OPERATIC STYLE: # Mine is the morning
# Born of the one light
# Eden saw play
# Praise with elation
# Praise every morning
# God's recreation
IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE: # Of the new
# Day! #
APPLAUSE Thank you.
That's for you, Mum.
Mum, have you got the e-mail for dad's office?
I'm just a friend saying that.
Well, if you knew anything about music,
you'd know it was actually incredible, so...
HE SIGHS HEAVILY
You were wonderful!
Oh, you did that for me! Oh!
Do you feel that wind?
It feels like a proud wind.
Ladies and gentlemen...
-Hello, little Sid!
-Look at you!
Every culture celebrates the arrival of a baby
-in a different way.
The Chinese bless their children
with red thread, and, so...
I shall take this thread
and tie it in Uncle Sid's hair.
I shut you out, Mum.
And that was wrong of me.
-What's got into you?
-the umbilical cord...
-I just want you to know that...
-..I will miss you.
..inside a small, wooden box.
..when you're gone.
-Oh, back to Spain?
-As we are lacking an umbilical cord...
-No, I mean...
..we will use a piece of spaghetti.
..I mean when you die.
A bit morbid, Kenneth.
Lorna told me about your announcement.
I know you're dying.
No, I'm not dying.
-Hindus perform the ceremony Jatakarma...
-..to present the baby honey at birth.
Mum's not dying!
I think I would know.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Oh, bollocks! The last hour is a void!
I only sang that, cos I thought you were a goner.
-Ken, she had big news.
I heard her talking to her consultant.
My horoscope consultant.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yes. That does make sense.
DALE SHOUTS IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you all
by not being terminally ill.
Now for a quick costume change.
Oh, come on, Belinda.
No-one wants you to be TERMINALLY ill.
-You can speak for yourself.
-Anyway, I do have big news.
Dale's worked really hard at this!
Come on. Spit it out.
-Come on, Belinda.
-In accordance with Jewish...
-Whatever it is, just tell us!
..I shall perform the bris.
The thing I came to tell you was...
-Hey, Dad. You might want to see this.
-Not now, Dylan.
..Alan was not your real father.
No, no, Dad, seriously.
I was already pregnant when I met Alan.
What?! MUSIC BUILDS
BABY CRIES What just happened?
Dale just circumcised Sid.
Do you think Uncle Sid will forgive me?
Of course he will!
some ladies prefer it, Dale.
-Don't they, Rach?
-And the important thing is...
..did you enjoy your ceremony, Dale?
take your mind off things?
It really did.
I just... I've been so in my head
about Ling and China.
It's nice to remember who my real family are.
-Just going for a jog.
-Yeah! Totally fine!
MUSIC: Fool of Me by Say Lou Lou
# I got plenty left
# Stored up in my chest
# I'll top you up
# With the taste that I've now forgot
# You made a fool of me
# You made a fool of me
# How funny
# I've been told
# I am cold
# And known to sting
# Forgive me, I have sinned. #