Battle of the Giants Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Mr Mainwaring has asked me to give a lecture on bayonet practice, so I shall.

No substitute for cold steel.

They don't like it up 'em!

I might have mentioned that before.

Many times. Many, many times (!) You can say THAT again!

Silence in the ranks! Put that cigarette out, Private Walker!

An important thing to remember is the scream. That puts the wind up the enemy.

Take a deep breath in the lungs and... WAAAAAAAAAAGH !

I want you all to scream. Deep breath, and...

HOLD IT!

Mr Godfrey, you don't need to do any screaming. Put the kettle on.

I'd like to remain, if I may. I'd like to scream.

All right then. Here we go, boys...

Big screams...

-WAAAAGGGGHHHH !

What a terrible noise. What on earth's going on out there?

-Bayonet practice.

-Can't they do it quietly?

-This is action, Wilson!

Is that what it is?!

I'd like to see some action from you.

Screaming isn't my style, sir.

I often wonder what IS your style!

-KNOCKING

-See who that is.

Yes? Who is it?

Thank you.

It's for you, sir. It's from Gills, the tailor.

Oh, splendid. Thank you.

I've been waiting for this.

-It's arrived just in time for the parade.

-What parade?

Ceremonial church parade on Sunday.

-We've discussed it for weeks.

-Of course.

-What do you think?

-About what?

-My hat, of course!

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, indeed. I think it's awfully nice, sir.

When you're bayoneting this dummy, I want you to imagine that is Mr Hitler.

I want to hear you scream.

-Aaah.

-Come on!

-AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH !

Very good. Right... bayoneting and screaming at Mr Hitler, in your own time, GO !

Now...

Aaggh!

My hat! Look at my hat!

-Open this door at once! Who is that?

-It's me! >

-Let go!

-Are you all right, sir?

-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I missed.

-You stupid boy! Look at my hat!

Look! Was your head in it?

-PHONE RINGS

-You did that with your bayonet!

Hello.

How awfully nice to hear your voice. Indeed it is. Yes, he's here.

-It's your wife, sir.

-What?

-Tell her I'm not here.

-She heard you shouting.

Really?

Hello, Elizabeth.

Yes.

I just can't stand sleeping with you any more in the shelter.

What?

There hasn't been an air-raid in months and it's very uncomfortable.

Of course I didn't wait till you'd gone out to remove the bedding.

Don't stand gawping, boy. Get out.

I wasn't talking to you. Of course I can't come and put it back.

Not now.

I shall be at least half an hour.

What?

Oh, very well.

-Dismiss the parade, please.

-Yes.

We don't want any more accidents, so let's put this up the other end.

Captain Square!

Platoon, hup!

-Good evening, sir.

-Corporal.

-Captain Mainwaring about?

-I'll fetch him.

-Don't worry. I'll breeze in.

-Most impressive row of medals.

-I'm proud of them.

So you should be. You are wearing a history of the British Empire.

Very sound! Good man. Right, carry on.

-Come in.

-Captain Square to see you, sir.

Oh! Good evening, sir.

Good evening. This is Sgt Parkins, my butler.

(Rotten Sergeant, damn good butler.) Is Captain Mainwaring about?

-I'm afraid not.

-I won't stay long, then.

Prepare to sit. Sit!

I called to see if Capt Mainwaring every received some orders I sent.

-What orders?

-About the medals.

-What medals?

What's the matter with you, man?

I just can't follow your drift.

I see. Well, about a week ago, I sent out orders about the ceremonial church parade.

I said that all medals would be worn. Capt Mainwaring has not acknowledged it.

-We didn't get it.

-You must have!

Went out 10 days ago. Cook delivered it personally.

I can assure you, we DIDN'T get it.

Wait a minute! I remember now.

I was going through papers with Capt Mainwaring.

He put one of them in this drawer.

-Have a look.

-I can't do that!

-Of course you can!

I don't think it's right, somehow.

It's most unlike him. He's so meticulous.

Ah, here it is, I think.

No, it isn't. This is it. Yes. Is that it?

Yes. Of course it is!

"All decorations and medals will be worn.

"Signed, Captain Square, acting adjutant, pompous idiot."

Pompous idiot! Who wrote that?!

-It wasn't me.

-The penny's beginning to drop.

During the last shindig, I was with Lawrence fighting jolly Turk. Who were YOU fighting?

-Just the usual Germans.

-Mainwaring?

He was in the Army of Occupation after the war.

No wonder he didn't read out the orders. Hasn't got any medals.

Didn't want the others to wear theirs!

-No-one will know that HE hasn't got any medals.

-I wonder if you're right.

-Of course I'm right. Listen. Tonight, you will read out that order.

-Yes.

Carry on, Parkins. It's an order!

All right, sir.

Yes. "All decorations and medals will be worn. Signed, Capt Square, pompous idiot."

Come in.

Sir, the men are sort of lined up on parade, if you'd care to cast an eye over them.

Cast an eye over them! They're not a balance sheet! They're a fighting unit.

And you're supposed to be their sergeant.

Pull yourself together, Wilson!

Shoulders back. Stand up like a man.

-Is that better?

-Not really, no.

Platoon, hup!

Platoon ready for inspection, sir.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-Thank you, sir.

Who gave you permission to wear those medals?

Sgt Wilson ordered me to, sir. Them, too.

-What are you up to?

-Pardon?

-Trying to undermine my authority?

-No. It was an order.

-You've not heard the last of this. See me in my office.

-All right.

-Are you entitled to all that ironmongery?

-Iron?

That's the Cadi's Star.

That was presented to me in the first Sudanese campaign.

We was not fighting the Egyptians, they was on our side.

They was fighting the Mad Mahdi and he was fighting General Gordon.

So that meant that WE was fighting the Mad Mahdi, 'cos General Gordon was on the same side as us. Follow?

Yes (!)

-That medal was presented to me at the SECOND Sudanese campaign.

-Very interesting (!)

-I haven't come to the exciting bit.

-Later.

Is that an authentic decoration?

That, sir, is the Polar Medal for the Shackleton Expedition.

-Really (?)

-A wild and lonely place, it was.

Nothing for the eye to behold but ice and snow. So they made the ribbon white.

-Very appropriate.

-I notice you're not wearing YOUR medals.

-Did you leave them at home (?)

-No talking in the ranks.

-Aye (!)

Permission to speak, sir! That Mad Mahdi what we fought in the second campaign,

is not the same Mad Mahdi as what we fought in the first.

-I see. Thank you.

-Yes, sir.

-In my opinion, he wasn't mad. But you know how people talk.

-Yes, they do.

Mind you, he was mad the day he had his horse shot from under him.

He was madder than the first Mad Mahdi that day! Mustn't keep you, sir.

-I thought you didn't approve of these things.

-It was an order. I didn't want to come bare-breasted.

-You wouldn't have upset me.

-They've come up quite nicely.

-My sister polished them with powdered chalk and vinegar.

-Thank you. I'll bear that in mind.

What's all that rubbish?

My scout badges.

Scout badges?!

Yes. That's my Tenderfoot.

That's Knots and Splices. First Aid. Firemaking. And Tracking.

-Get them off.

-I didn't want to put them on. It was my mum.

-She said if Uncle...Sgt Wilson was going to show off, I had to as well.

-He has more sense.

Wilson! What are you doing?

-I'm entitled to them.

-Don't get dressed while I'm inspecting.

Walker...

This isn't a musical comedy. Get that off.

Hang on, that's the Sacred Order Of The Golden Cross of Abu Dhabi.

-Given by the Sheik of Arabi (?)

-Yeah, he was Sheik!

He had 34 wives! He was staying in this hotel in Park Lane and I was on the staff.

One day, his prime minister comes up to me he was an Arab too

and says, " 'Ere, can you get him a bird?"

So I says, "I'll see what I can do." So I gets on the blower to a friend of mine, and he was very grateful.

I got this, a kiss and ten quid.

I can't stand any more of this. Wilson, dismiss the parade.

Capt Mainwaring and I are grateful for the trouble you've taken in your appearance for the parade.

-WILSON !

-You all look lovely.

Same time, same place tomorrow, and do please try and get here at the right time.

Wilson, get in here!

Shut the door. Come here.

-How DARE you!

-I beg your pardon?

-How dare you go over my head!

There's no need to make such a fuss, sir. It was a battalion order.

-It was in my pending draw.

-I know.

You've no right to rummage in there!

-Typical weather!

-What the hell do YOU want?

-Happy Christmas to you, too (!)

-Do you mind not dripping over my orders (?)

-Sorry!

I do not approve of metal sprawling over everybody's chest. It's THIS war that counts.

What's up? Didn't you get any?

I'm not discussing anything with you. Get out!

This is a vicar's office, and he lets me hang my hat in here.

Another thing - I've got a lecture in here, so keep your voice down!

Common!

-Awful ! But he WAS with us last time.

-What do you mean?

-He was wearing his 14-18 medals.

Gallantry is one thing.

But issuing bits of brass for any campaign makes a mockery of it.

Well, I wouldn't say...

-Do you mind?

-Would you mind if I had a ferret in the vicar's drawers?

Must you do it now? I'm busy.

He wants his medals for Sunday parade. I think they're here...

Ah, here they are.

They'll set his surplice off a treat.

That's precisely what I mean.

What did he do to earn those? Sing "Rock Of Ages" in a French field (?)

I think it's marvellous when we have parades like this.

Captain Square striding out at the front...

-He'll love it (!)

-But it can't be quite so much fun for those of us, well, who haven't got any medals.

-How do you mean?

-Well, like Private Pike.

You're dismissed, Sergeant Wilson.

Go and polish your medals.

-Are you going to polish your cap badge?

-I said, DISMISSED !

Well, there we stood, face to face.

My eyes looking into HIS eyes and HIS eyes looking into MY eyes.

Then I saw his eyes flicker and I pressed home the advantage.

I asked him, all innocent like,

"Are ye no' wearing your medals, Captain Mainwaring?"

LAUGHING: Of course...I knew all the time... that he had none to wear!

Oh, wheesht!

I can hardly wait to see everybody's face

when he turns up in front of the whole battalion wi' no medals!

He cannae worm oot of this!

To every man that sins...

comes nemesis.

Aye!

'Ere.

I can't help feeling sorry for the Captain. No medals. It's a disgrace!

Being led by a man wi' nothing up here. He's got nothing up HERE either.

Perhaps we ought to take our medals down.

Morning!

Fall the men in, Sergeant, please.

-Fall the men in!

-Right. Would you mind doing that?

-Ohh!

-I have an important announcement.

-What's that?

-All in good time.

-Attention!

Jonesy!

Ready for inspection, sir.

Stand easy.

Very smart, men. Very smart.

I have some bad news for you.

Owing to circumstances beyond my control, I shan't be able to be with you on the parade.

My dear lady wife sent my uniform to the cleaners.

She didn't tell me until lunchtime yesterday, Saturday.

As you know the cleaners shut at lunchtime on Saturdays. I was too late.

Had I a second uniform...

-Fall in, Pike, you're very late.

-I've got something for you.

-Oh, yes?

-Well, yesterday I was in the cleaners and I saw your uniform hanging there,

so I brought it for you.

It's 2/3d.

Thank you, Pike. That's very kind. Unfortunately, it doesn't help. There's no time to change.

You've got 20 minutes. We don't mind waiting for you.

-Do we?

-NO !

-Three halves of bitter.

-Have this with me.

-Thank you, sir.

A drink, verger? It's my round.

That's very civil. A lemonade shandy. Not too much beer, Shirley. Mustn't forget, it's the Lord's day.

-Vicar?

-A double scotch, please.

A double scotch as well, please.

-Me, too.

-I don't think I extended the invitation to YOU. Colonel ?

-Colonel ?

-Yes?

-Care for a drink with Number One Platoon?

-No, thanks. Square's lined them up.

-Make it a single for the Reverend. He's a martyr to it.

-Is he?

-We don't want a scene, do we?

-No. Of course not.

Shirley, make that a single.

-Mainwaring, did you enjoy the parade?

-Yes. Smart turnout.

Sorry you chaps were behind us. We couldn't see your drill.

But we HEARD them. Yes. Late, eh?

-The wind was blowing away from us.

-Some of us had difficulty in hearing the commands.

-Yes.

Some of you had difficulty in MARCHING !

-Just ignore him, Wilson.

-I was, actually.

Next time we have a parade, ask the Colonel if your chaps can do it in bathchairs!

-Capt Mainwaring was striding out like a two-year-old.

-You looked smart, sir.

'Course he didn't have much weight to carry... No medals, like.

-When Hitler arrives, waving medals won't do us any good.

-Better than waving your pension books!

My men can wipe the floor with yours! They're fitter, better trained and better led!

That's fighting talk, ain't it, Colonel ?

-We can out-shoot you, out-think you and run rings round you!

-You tell him, Mr Mainwaring, go on, tell him!

-You will prove that or apologise!

-We can't prove it till the Boche arrive.

There's always the battle course, the field firing range, and we can think up initiative tests.

I accept. Are you backing down, Mainwaring?

-We're not backing down, are we?

-NO !

I wanna see this! Can I be an umpire?

We'll be umpires! The fact that you bought me a SINGLE scotch won't matter.

-That settles it! We accept, don't we, sir?

-Yes.

One condition - every man who was on parade today takes part.

Sounds fair.

-I think that's fair. Wilson?

-Yes. Very fair, indeed. Yes.

Just means we'll lose, that's all.

Pay attention, everyone.

Pay attention! Pay attention! PAY ATTENTION!

They're paying attention, sir.

Thank you, Corporal.

Now, the details of the tests are to hand. We can now put you in the picture.

You hear enough of my voice...

-Hear, hear!

-Watch it, Walker.

-So I'm going to ask Sgt Wilson to brief you. Carry on.

-Thank you.

-Could I borrow your little stick?

-Certainly not.

Both platoon commanders will start here, in their platoon vans.

Tell them about the map references.

-Pardon?

-The map references.

-I was going to.

-The commanders are given a map reference, and we have to find the place...

-Using maps.

-Pardon?

-Using maps.

-That's obvious.

-Nothing is obvious.

-Carry on.

-Oh, Lord. Where did I get to?

-Practically nowhere.

-You keep interrupting. It-it's difficult...

-Initiative tests.

-Right.

At point B, we shall all be given our initiative tests. Right?

Excuse me, Uncle Sergeant,

in what type of form will the initiative tests be put?

I'll answer.

If we knew the form the initiative tests would take, we wouldn't be able to use our initiative.

-Thank you.

-Stupid boy!

-Can I go on?

-Carry on.

-Thank you.

We then cross the river here,

and fire five rounds of ammunition at the target.

-Live ammunition.

-Live ammunition.

Then we rush across to this tower, climb up onto the roof...

and run up the platoon flag which Pvt. Walker had made for us.

-By the way, they came to three quid.

-Three pounds? That's a bit stiff, isn't it?

You're lucky. I charged East Gate a fiver.

The first platoon, of course, to run up their flag will be the winners.

Is that all quite clear?

Captain Mainwaring.

-I foresee one wee snag.

-What's that?

While we're rushing here and there, Godfrey will still be trying to climb out the van!

-That's a bit of an exaggeration.

-It's plain to see - the man's decrepit!

No offence.

I admit I'm not as agile as I was. But I'm very determined.

Don't worry, we'll help you. He's a millstone round our necks.

-It's folly to take him.

-He was on the parade, so he must go.

If he had on spark of loyalty to the rest of us, he'd break a leg.

Nothing personal, my old friend. I'm speaking for the good of us all.

He can't break a leg! How about a finger?

A finger's no good! No, it has to be a leg!

I'm willing to help in any way.

-Good. The only question is, how?

-Sit down. Don't be ridiculous.

Permission to speak, sir!

Dr Livingstone and other explorers were carried on a chair between two poles. Not Poles, the people.

They didn't have them in Africa.

Bamboo poles. Four strong chaps used to carry these gentlemen. I suggest we carry Mr Godfrey.

-Who's gonna carry you?

-Don't start!

-ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT

-That's enough.

-Sit down.

-I think that's a very good idea. Don't you, Wilson?

-Yes, I do.

-It's really rather quaint.

-Right.

-See to that.

-Yes.

-That disposes of the Godfrey embarrassment.

No offence!

That's what I like about this platoon - agile minds.

We're going to run rings round that mob. Are you all with me?

-YES !

-That's all. Dismiss.

-I think...

Now, listen. The vicar, here, will read out the map reference once.

Write it down and run back to your vehicles. Then, the signal to start.

Right, vicar.

I'll only read this once, so listen carefully.

-Do get on!

-Don't start, Mainwaring!

Here we go.

And the map reference is...

Six hundred and twenty nine. Five hundred and seventy one.

-Right!

-Come on!

Look what they done to my flag!

Is it safe? Of course it is! Get on!

Do you mind if I put my arms round you?

The East Gate platoon turned to the right.

-Are you sure we're going the right way?

-Of course I am.

-Can't we go any faster?

-I'm doing twenty eight miles an hour!

-I beg your pardon.

-What is it?

-Do you think I might be excused?

-Certainly not!

Get your foot hard on the floor.

-I've GOT me foot on the floor! Ah-ya-ya-ya!

-What's the matter?!

-Ah-ya-ya!

-What are you doing?

-P-permission to s-speak, s-sir!

-What is it?

-I'm af-fraid I've got the old t-trouble back again, sir.

-What's that?

-M-m-m-ma-ma...

-What?

-Ma...ma...malaria!

-Stop at once!

-Stay where you are, Jones.

-M-m-m-m-m...

-Stay there.

-Medics! Medics!

-GIVES THREE BLASTS ON WHISTLE

STOP !

What are they doing?

-Three blasts is the signal to open fire.

-No! Get the medics.

-What for?

-Get Godfrey.

-Why not SAY so?

-What's happening?

-Jones has got an attack of malaria. Get him out.

-He won't let go of the steering wheel.

-Medics!

Get hold of his wrists.

H-he d-doesn't l-look t-too g-good, d-d-d-does he?

I don't f-feel t-too good.

Don't worry. I'll look af-af-after you.

-Godfrey! Where have you been?

-I took the opportunity of being excused.

-You should always be on hand.

-What's wrong?

-Jones has malaria. Anything we can give him?

-Aspirins, bicarbonate of soda, and some ointment for wasp stings.

-Wasp stings?!

-This isn't a Girl Guides' outing!

-Quinine! That's what we need.

-And he should be kept warm.

-You're right. Got any quinine?

-No. But I've got a bottle of tonic wine. My sister, Dolly, swears by it.

-All right.

Here, Jones. Drink this.

Hold him. He's spilling it.

Wrap him up. Put him in the back.

-I've had these at-t-tacks for the last f-forty years. They soon p-p-p-p...

-Pass.

-What's the matter with Jonesy?

-He's got malaria. Like Leslie Banks in Sanders Of The River.

-I couldn't stand that film.

-Wilson.

-Get him in the back of the van.

-Who's going to drive now?

-I am.

-Do you think that's wise?

-Don't argue, just get in.

-Right.

Stand by. No, not now!

Another half mile and we turn left, sir.

-Thank you.

-Excuse me. Mr Jones has turned yellow.

-Get more blankets on him.

-Right.

-Shouldn't we get him to a doctor?

We'd lose the race. It'll wear off.

-Turning soon!

-How sweet!

-What?

-We just passed a dear little cottage, just like Snow White's.

-Keep your eye on the road.

-Mr Mainwaring, Mr Jones isn't yellow any more.

-Good, good.

-He's turned purple.

-Good. WHAT ?!

-He's like a beetroot.

-More blankets!

LEFT !

That's it.

-Steam...

-Is the engine over-heating?

-It's not the engine. What's going on back there?

-Mr Jones is steaming, sir.

-Steaming?

-The condensation is everywhere.

Let him sweat it out! And plenty to drink.

-He drank half the tonic wine.

-Give him the other half.

Next turning on the left, coming up.

That's it.

-How enchanting!

-What?

-We just passed Snow White's cottage again.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

What?! We're going in a circle!

This is YOUR fault, Frazer.

-What are you doing?

-DON'T SHOUT !

-East Gate are coming up behind us.

-Thanks to your bungling, they're catching up!

-How can I read properly with your jerky driving?!

-No insubordination!

-Take his name, Sergeant.

-I know it.

-They're trying to get past us.

-They won't get past ME !

PULL OVER AND LET THEM PASS !

-MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS !

-PULL OVER !

-CLEAR OFF !

I mean it! All that going on!

We'll soon sort that out.

-What are you doing?

-Good job you stopped!

-Yes. Or I'd have run you over.

-Any more of this and you're out of the race.

-It's not fair!

-There's no point in using foul language like that!

-I didn't use any foul language!

-Yes, you did. Luckily, the engine noise stopped the Reverend hearing it.

-They're getting awfully far ahead.

-Can't we discuss this another time?

I'm making a protest! Vicar...

We're only here as umpires. Drive on, Mr Hodges.

Ach!

Why don't you chuck some water on it? We haven't got any water!

HORN HONKS What the Devil...?

CHEERS

Come back!

< Get yourself a horse!!

Seems to be all right now, sir.

Well done, Sgt! Get in. They can't be far away.

Get off! How I can I drive like that!

They've gone that way. Turn round.

They've gone that way. Turn round.

Gear...

They're going THAT way. Turn round.

They're going THAT way. Turn round.

Follow them.

We'll follow them!

Blimey! Here we go round the mulberry bush!

Where are they? They should have been here ages ago.

Back up at once! Do you hear?

Don't tell ME to back up. YOU back up!

We'll soon see about THAT !

Out and push!

Out and push!

What's going on? Come on!

HEAVE !

-Back up.

-Clear off!

Mr Mainwaring, I think the warden's drowning.

Quick. Wilson. Come on.

-No. You stay here. And when they're not looking, let their tyres down.

-Tyres down!

Sir. What is it?

There's a person in the water. I'll go. You stay here.

While they're not looking, let their tyres down!

JONES SINGS TO HIMSELF Get down, you silly old goat.

Get down!

-Pull, Mainwaring!

-Pull, Square!

SOLDIERS: They're letting our tyres down! What?

And now it's the initiative tests. Mr Hodges, carry on!

-Where's Jones?

-They're bringing him.

Wait here.

-SLURRED:

-I'm all right now. My malaria's completely subsidised.

-One bottle of Mr Godfrey's wine and I'm a new man!

-He's drunk.

Pay attention, please!

This is your first initiative test. JONES MUTTERS

-Are you listening?

-Just read it out! You're responsible for him, Wilson.

-Why should

-I

-be responsible?

Can I have some attention, if you don't mind?

-Over here...

-Sssh! Shhh!

-..the verger has hold...

-Sssh!

-..of 24 balloons.

When I say "go", he will release the balloons.

You will fix bayonets and burst every balloon before moving on. Right, GO !

Men, fix bayonets and charge!

Don't panic! Don't panic! I'll get 'em!

-Wilson, are you a member of this platoon?

-I suppose so.

-Then burst these balloons.

I'll fix 'em! They're not going to... Way-hey!

It won't go in, Mr Mainwaring. They're offering no resistance.

Stupid boy!

Hang on! I've got it!

A safety pin is quite effective. You have to open it, of course.

I'll fix 'em! I'll get 'em, sir!

There's a couple!

I'll get 'em!

Ah...ah...

-Next test. That's the lot.

-What about THAT one?

-I'll get it, sir!

-Square's lot have finished!

-You're not leaving till you've got that one.

-I'll get it!

-Leave it to me.

-Good heavens!

-What do you mean?

Good heavens! Come on, men!

You're supposed to do that with your bayonet.

I'll do YOU with a bayonet!

I'm rather enjoying this.

Pay attention. You as well. This tank is full of feathers. Take the feathers

and put them in barrels over there.

Ready. Go!

Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring, I can do this. I'm good at this.

This is no good. Fill your caps and stuff some feathers inside your tunics.

-Mr Mainwaring...

-Not now, Pike.

-Mr Mainwaring, could you spare me for a moment?

-Certainly not.

PIKE IS SNEEZING

-You've had some silly ideas, but this is the silliest.

-That's no way to talk me.

Go, men!

They're flying everywhere.

-Mr Mainwaring...

-Yes, Pike?

-A-a-a-achoo!

-Don't waste my time.

-This isn't working.

-Have you any better suggestions?

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-ACHOO !

-Don't keep doing that.

-Bags!

-Yes. Use trousers and tie up the legs.

-Take your trousers off.

-I will not!

-Take them off.

-Why ME ?

-You've to set an example. Trousers off!

-Why don't YOU ?

-Stuff feathers down your trousers.

-You stuff 'em! >

This is not a very hygienic way of going on.

Take your trousers OFF. Tie the bottoms and stuff the legs.

-What?

-Stuff them down the legs!

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-Why don't we take the barrels to the tank, fill them, then take them back?

One more stupid suggestion... Good idea!

Bring the barrels over to the tank.

Mr Hodges. How's Square's mob getting on?

Still carrying the feathers. Mainwaring's lot will win.

We'll soon see about that!

Mr Hodges! Mainwaring's lot will be here in a minute.

I'll cook his goose! How? I'll pull the plug out.

-Hurry up! Get in.

-Hey!

-You can't get in that boat.

-Why not?

-THAT'S your boat.

-Mind your own business.

-I insist.

You are being a frightful bore.

-PLEASE, get in the other boat.

-He's gone off his head.

-He always WAS strange.

-Hurry up, Godfrey.

-Yes, sir.

Isn't this exciting?!

-Let's see this boat skim across the water.

-That'll be difficult.

-Why?

-You haven't untied it yet.

Cast off.

Come along, men. In you get.

I pulled the plug out. You damn fool !

Why? > To stop Mainwaring's lot. I did it for you.

There's another boat on that bank. Row over in that dinghy and get it.

Of course! Sergeant, where are you?

What were you doing? I took the plug out of that dinghy. It fits this boat.

I'm afraid it doesn't, sir.

Don't worry, Captain Square...

Ohh...ohh... Here we go again!

Put that cigarette out, Walker.

Not long ago, you were glad of it!

This one's for you, Mainwaring!

I'll get you, Mainwaring!

-No sign of Captain Square, sir.

-Looks as if we've won, Wilson.

Run to the top of the tower and raise your flag.

Very good, sir. Why are you shaking, Jones?

-Not another attack of malaria?

-No. I always fire like this, sir.

-Get on!

-Hurry up, Jonesy.

-Flag, Wilson.

-What flag?

-The platoon flag.

-You didn't say anything about it.

-I told you to bring the flag!

-I have it.

-Well done, Frazer.

Finished!

-Finished firing, sir.

-Off you go.

Godfrey, stay here. Men, follow me!

-Right, Pike, you take the flag.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

Hurry up!

-It's the rhythm that gets you up the stairs.

-Another flight and I'd have passed out.

-Know how to do that?

-There should be a loop.

The loop must be here somewhere.

-Here we are.

-You've pulled the loop out of the pulley at the end!

Any more insubordination and I shall complain to your mother!

We're supposed to fly the flag. We can't.

-I'll get it! I'll fix it!

-Jones!

-I'll shin out and back.

-Wilson, get him back!

-I

-can't stop him!

Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

-What is it?

-That tonic wine is marvellous!

Come back in!

Don't worry about me. I'm as agile as a monkey, I am. Agile as a monkey!

-The man's a fool.

-A brave one.

-He does it to create an impression.

-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!!

-Yes?

-I've reached the end. What'll I do?

-Thread the rope through the pulley.

-Yes, Mr... What rope?

-The rope that the flag's attached to.

-Where is it?

-Here.

-Here. What's it doing here?!

Mr Mainwaring, throw it to me.

-Godfrey, get a blanket.

-I don't need one. I'm not cold.

-But if you fall...

-I won't be cold if I fall.

You will be when you hit the ground.

Back, back, back...

Right, right...left, left...

Here!

-Can't you throw it any nearer?

-I'm trying!

Let ME try. Dinnae miss this, you silly old twerp!

Got it!

Forward a bit! Forward...forward...forward.

Bit to the right. Bit to the right...left...

Oooh! Weh-ah!

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-The wine's going to me head. Everything's going sideways.

Thread the rope through the pulley and get back here.

Right-o, Mr Mainwaring.

Oh, it's come away.

-It's like threading a camel through the eye of a needle.

-Come back!

-Back in a minute!

Come on. They haven't got their flag up yet.

-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

-Yes?

-I've got it! I've got it!

-APPLAUSE

I've got it. I've got. Oh, nearly got me top set out.

There we are. That's it. It's all right...

-Mr Mainwaring, you saved my life again. You're always doing that. You deserve a kiss...

-No, no!

Wah! It's started again, Mr Mainwaring! It's started again!

Quickly!

Go and get some blankets, Wilson.

More tonic wine! More tonic wine!

Look!

What the devil's going on here?

-You've lost.

-We were here first.

-But you didn't get your flag out.

Number One Platoon. Mainwaring's won!

-I shall make a formal protest!

-But it's OUR flag that's flying.

What? You blithering idiot! You've flown their flag!

It was the one you gave me, sir.

-What is the meaning of this?

-It means you've lost!

I've got a suspicion that you're a rank outsider.

Here's their flag. Chuck it over.

-Excuse me!

-Oh, no, no! I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr Wilson.

-Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

That's OUR flag. And THAT'S our flag.

Ah, yes, now, well...

What happened was, I made a flag for us, and it wasn't up to standard, so I made another.

I must have got the other one mixed up with their platoon's flag. What a terrible mistake!

I don't believe one word.

-I didn't think you would. Anyway, it WAS an initiative test.

-That's true.

-I don't approve of this. You behaved badly.

-Yes, sir.

If any of you others were in this, you have incurred my displeasure.

All the same, I'm damned glad we won!

Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC Scotland, 1992