Battle of the Giants Dad's Army


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Battle of the Giants

Captain Mainwaring tries to get out of attending a big church parade when the Home Guard are ordered to wear their medals from previous conflicts.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Mr Mainwaring has asked me to give a lecture on bayonet practice, so I shall.

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No substitute for cold steel.

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They don't like it up 'em!

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I might have mentioned that before.

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Many times. Many, many times (!) You can say THAT again!

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Silence in the ranks! Put that cigarette out, Private Walker!

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An important thing to remember is the scream. That puts the wind up the enemy.

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Take a deep breath in the lungs and... WAAAAAAAAAAGH !

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I want you all to scream. Deep breath, and...

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HOLD IT!

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Mr Godfrey, you don't need to do any screaming. Put the kettle on.

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I'd like to remain, if I may. I'd like to scream.

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All right then. Here we go, boys...

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Big screams...

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-WAAAAGGGGHHHH !

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What a terrible noise. What on earth's going on out there?

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-Bayonet practice.

-Can't they do it quietly?

-This is action, Wilson!

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Is that what it is?!

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I'd like to see some action from you.

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Screaming isn't my style, sir.

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I often wonder what IS your style!

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-KNOCKING

-See who that is.

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Yes? Who is it?

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Thank you.

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It's for you, sir. It's from Gills, the tailor.

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Oh, splendid. Thank you.

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I've been waiting for this.

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-It's arrived just in time for the parade.

-What parade?

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Ceremonial church parade on Sunday.

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-We've discussed it for weeks.

-Of course.

-What do you think?

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-About what?

-My hat, of course!

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Oh, yes. Oh, yes, indeed. I think it's awfully nice, sir.

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When you're bayoneting this dummy, I want you to imagine that is Mr Hitler.

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I want to hear you scream.

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-Aaah.

-Come on!

-AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH !

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Very good. Right... bayoneting and screaming at Mr Hitler, in your own time, GO !

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Now...

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Aaggh!

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My hat! Look at my hat!

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-Open this door at once! Who is that?

-It's me! >

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-Let go!

-Are you all right, sir?

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-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I missed.

-You stupid boy! Look at my hat!

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Look! Was your head in it?

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-PHONE RINGS

-You did that with your bayonet!

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Hello.

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How awfully nice to hear your voice. Indeed it is. Yes, he's here.

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-It's your wife, sir.

-What?

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-Tell her I'm not here.

-She heard you shouting.

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Really?

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Hello, Elizabeth.

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Yes.

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I just can't stand sleeping with you any more in the shelter.

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What?

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There hasn't been an air-raid in months and it's very uncomfortable.

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Of course I didn't wait till you'd gone out to remove the bedding.

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Don't stand gawping, boy. Get out.

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I wasn't talking to you. Of course I can't come and put it back.

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Not now.

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I shall be at least half an hour.

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What?

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Oh, very well.

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-Dismiss the parade, please.

-Yes.

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We don't want any more accidents, so let's put this up the other end.

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Captain Square!

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Platoon, hup!

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-Good evening, sir.

-Corporal.

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-Captain Mainwaring about?

-I'll fetch him.

-Don't worry. I'll breeze in.

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-Most impressive row of medals.

-I'm proud of them.

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So you should be. You are wearing a history of the British Empire.

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Very sound! Good man. Right, carry on.

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-Come in.

-Captain Square to see you, sir.

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Oh! Good evening, sir.

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Good evening. This is Sgt Parkins, my butler.

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(Rotten Sergeant, damn good butler.) Is Captain Mainwaring about?

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-I'm afraid not.

-I won't stay long, then.

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Prepare to sit. Sit!

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I called to see if Capt Mainwaring every received some orders I sent.

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-What orders?

-About the medals.

-What medals?

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What's the matter with you, man?

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I just can't follow your drift.

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I see. Well, about a week ago, I sent out orders about the ceremonial church parade.

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I said that all medals would be worn. Capt Mainwaring has not acknowledged it.

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-We didn't get it.

-You must have!

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Went out 10 days ago. Cook delivered it personally.

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I can assure you, we DIDN'T get it.

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Wait a minute! I remember now.

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I was going through papers with Capt Mainwaring.

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He put one of them in this drawer.

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-Have a look.

-I can't do that!

-Of course you can!

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I don't think it's right, somehow.

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It's most unlike him. He's so meticulous.

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Ah, here it is, I think.

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No, it isn't. This is it. Yes. Is that it?

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Yes. Of course it is!

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"All decorations and medals will be worn.

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"Signed, Captain Square, acting adjutant, pompous idiot."

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Pompous idiot! Who wrote that?!

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-It wasn't me.

-The penny's beginning to drop.

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During the last shindig, I was with Lawrence fighting jolly Turk. Who were YOU fighting?

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-Just the usual Germans.

-Mainwaring?

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He was in the Army of Occupation after the war.

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No wonder he didn't read out the orders. Hasn't got any medals.

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Didn't want the others to wear theirs!

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-No-one will know that HE hasn't got any medals.

-I wonder if you're right.

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-Of course I'm right. Listen. Tonight, you will read out that order.

-Yes.

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Carry on, Parkins. It's an order!

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All right, sir.

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Yes. "All decorations and medals will be worn. Signed, Capt Square, pompous idiot."

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Come in.

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Sir, the men are sort of lined up on parade, if you'd care to cast an eye over them.

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Cast an eye over them! They're not a balance sheet! They're a fighting unit.

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And you're supposed to be their sergeant.

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Pull yourself together, Wilson!

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Shoulders back. Stand up like a man.

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-Is that better?

-Not really, no.

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Platoon, hup!

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Platoon ready for inspection, sir.

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-Thank you, Corporal.

-Thank you, sir.

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Who gave you permission to wear those medals?

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Sgt Wilson ordered me to, sir. Them, too.

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-What are you up to?

-Pardon?

-Trying to undermine my authority?

-No. It was an order.

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-You've not heard the last of this. See me in my office.

-All right.

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-Are you entitled to all that ironmongery?

-Iron?

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That's the Cadi's Star.

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That was presented to me in the first Sudanese campaign.

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We was not fighting the Egyptians, they was on our side.

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They was fighting the Mad Mahdi and he was fighting General Gordon.

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So that meant that WE was fighting the Mad Mahdi, 'cos General Gordon was on the same side as us. Follow?

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Yes (!)

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-That medal was presented to me at the SECOND Sudanese campaign.

-Very interesting (!)

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-I haven't come to the exciting bit.

-Later.

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Is that an authentic decoration?

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That, sir, is the Polar Medal for the Shackleton Expedition.

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-Really (?)

-A wild and lonely place, it was.

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Nothing for the eye to behold but ice and snow. So they made the ribbon white.

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-Very appropriate.

-I notice you're not wearing YOUR medals.

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-Did you leave them at home (?)

-No talking in the ranks.

-Aye (!)

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Permission to speak, sir! That Mad Mahdi what we fought in the second campaign,

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is not the same Mad Mahdi as what we fought in the first.

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-I see. Thank you.

-Yes, sir.

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-In my opinion, he wasn't mad. But you know how people talk.

-Yes, they do.

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Mind you, he was mad the day he had his horse shot from under him.

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He was madder than the first Mad Mahdi that day! Mustn't keep you, sir.

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-I thought you didn't approve of these things.

-It was an order. I didn't want to come bare-breasted.

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-You wouldn't have upset me.

-They've come up quite nicely.

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-My sister polished them with powdered chalk and vinegar.

-Thank you. I'll bear that in mind.

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What's all that rubbish?

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My scout badges.

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Scout badges?!

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Yes. That's my Tenderfoot.

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That's Knots and Splices. First Aid. Firemaking. And Tracking.

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-Get them off.

-I didn't want to put them on. It was my mum.

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-She said if Uncle...Sgt Wilson was going to show off, I had to as well.

-He has more sense.

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Wilson! What are you doing?

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-I'm entitled to them.

-Don't get dressed while I'm inspecting.

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Walker...

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This isn't a musical comedy. Get that off.

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Hang on, that's the Sacred Order Of The Golden Cross of Abu Dhabi.

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-Given by the Sheik of Arabi (?)

-Yeah, he was Sheik!

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He had 34 wives! He was staying in this hotel in Park Lane and I was on the staff.

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One day, his prime minister comes up to me he was an Arab too

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and says, " 'Ere, can you get him a bird?"

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So I says, "I'll see what I can do." So I gets on the blower to a friend of mine, and he was very grateful.

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I got this, a kiss and ten quid.

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I can't stand any more of this. Wilson, dismiss the parade.

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Capt Mainwaring and I are grateful for the trouble you've taken in your appearance for the parade.

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-WILSON !

-You all look lovely.

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Same time, same place tomorrow, and do please try and get here at the right time.

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Wilson, get in here!

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Shut the door. Come here.

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-How DARE you!

-I beg your pardon?

-How dare you go over my head!

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There's no need to make such a fuss, sir. It was a battalion order.

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-It was in my pending draw.

-I know.

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You've no right to rummage in there!

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-Typical weather!

-What the hell do YOU want?

-Happy Christmas to you, too (!)

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-Do you mind not dripping over my orders (?)

-Sorry!

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I do not approve of metal sprawling over everybody's chest. It's THIS war that counts.

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What's up? Didn't you get any?

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I'm not discussing anything with you. Get out!

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This is a vicar's office, and he lets me hang my hat in here.

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Another thing - I've got a lecture in here, so keep your voice down!

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Common!

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-Awful ! But he WAS with us last time.

-What do you mean?

-He was wearing his 14-18 medals.

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Gallantry is one thing.

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But issuing bits of brass for any campaign makes a mockery of it.

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Well, I wouldn't say...

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-Do you mind?

-Would you mind if I had a ferret in the vicar's drawers?

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Must you do it now? I'm busy.

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He wants his medals for Sunday parade. I think they're here...

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Ah, here they are.

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They'll set his surplice off a treat.

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That's precisely what I mean.

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What did he do to earn those? Sing "Rock Of Ages" in a French field (?)

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I think it's marvellous when we have parades like this.

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Captain Square striding out at the front...

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-He'll love it (!)

-But it can't be quite so much fun for those of us, well, who haven't got any medals.

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-How do you mean?

-Well, like Private Pike.

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You're dismissed, Sergeant Wilson.

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Go and polish your medals.

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-Are you going to polish your cap badge?

-I said, DISMISSED !

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Well, there we stood, face to face.

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My eyes looking into HIS eyes and HIS eyes looking into MY eyes.

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Then I saw his eyes flicker and I pressed home the advantage.

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I asked him, all innocent like,

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"Are ye no' wearing your medals, Captain Mainwaring?"

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LAUGHING: Of course...I knew all the time... that he had none to wear!

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Oh, wheesht!

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I can hardly wait to see everybody's face

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when he turns up in front of the whole battalion wi' no medals!

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He cannae worm oot of this!

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To every man that sins...

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comes nemesis.

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Aye!

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'Ere.

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I can't help feeling sorry for the Captain. No medals. It's a disgrace!

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Being led by a man wi' nothing up here. He's got nothing up HERE either.

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Perhaps we ought to take our medals down.

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Morning!

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Fall the men in, Sergeant, please.

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-Fall the men in!

-Right. Would you mind doing that?

-Ohh!

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-I have an important announcement.

-What's that?

-All in good time.

-Attention!

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Jonesy!

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Ready for inspection, sir.

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Stand easy.

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Very smart, men. Very smart.

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I have some bad news for you.

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Owing to circumstances beyond my control, I shan't be able to be with you on the parade.

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My dear lady wife sent my uniform to the cleaners.

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She didn't tell me until lunchtime yesterday, Saturday.

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As you know the cleaners shut at lunchtime on Saturdays. I was too late.

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Had I a second uniform...

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-Fall in, Pike, you're very late.

-I've got something for you.

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-Oh, yes?

-Well, yesterday I was in the cleaners and I saw your uniform hanging there,

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so I brought it for you.

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It's 2/3d.

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Thank you, Pike. That's very kind. Unfortunately, it doesn't help. There's no time to change.

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You've got 20 minutes. We don't mind waiting for you.

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-Do we?

-NO !

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-Three halves of bitter.

-Have this with me.

-Thank you, sir.

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A drink, verger? It's my round.

0:20:210:20:24

That's very civil. A lemonade shandy. Not too much beer, Shirley. Mustn't forget, it's the Lord's day.

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-Vicar?

-A double scotch, please.

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A double scotch as well, please.

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-Me, too.

-I don't think I extended the invitation to YOU. Colonel ?

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-Colonel ?

-Yes?

-Care for a drink with Number One Platoon?

-No, thanks. Square's lined them up.

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-Make it a single for the Reverend. He's a martyr to it.

-Is he?

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-We don't want a scene, do we?

-No. Of course not.

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Shirley, make that a single.

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-Mainwaring, did you enjoy the parade?

-Yes. Smart turnout.

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Sorry you chaps were behind us. We couldn't see your drill.

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But we HEARD them. Yes. Late, eh?

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-The wind was blowing away from us.

-Some of us had difficulty in hearing the commands.

-Yes.

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Some of you had difficulty in MARCHING !

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-Just ignore him, Wilson.

-I was, actually.

0:21:370:21:42

Next time we have a parade, ask the Colonel if your chaps can do it in bathchairs!

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-Capt Mainwaring was striding out like a two-year-old.

-You looked smart, sir.

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'Course he didn't have much weight to carry... No medals, like.

0:21:590:22:05

-When Hitler arrives, waving medals won't do us any good.

-Better than waving your pension books!

0:22:050:22:13

My men can wipe the floor with yours! They're fitter, better trained and better led!

0:22:140:22:22

That's fighting talk, ain't it, Colonel ?

0:22:220:22:26

-We can out-shoot you, out-think you and run rings round you!

-You tell him, Mr Mainwaring, go on, tell him!

0:22:260:22:34

-You will prove that or apologise!

-We can't prove it till the Boche arrive.

0:22:340:22:41

There's always the battle course, the field firing range, and we can think up initiative tests.

0:22:410:22:48

I accept. Are you backing down, Mainwaring?

0:22:480:22:53

-We're not backing down, are we?

-NO !

0:22:530:22:56

I wanna see this! Can I be an umpire?

0:22:560:23:02

We'll be umpires! The fact that you bought me a SINGLE scotch won't matter.

0:23:020:23:08

-That settles it! We accept, don't we, sir?

-Yes.

0:23:080:23:13

One condition - every man who was on parade today takes part.

0:23:130:23:18

Sounds fair.

0:23:180:23:20

-I think that's fair. Wilson?

-Yes. Very fair, indeed. Yes.

0:23:200:23:26

Just means we'll lose, that's all.

0:23:260:23:29

Pay attention, everyone.

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Pay attention! Pay attention! PAY ATTENTION!

0:23:410:23:46

They're paying attention, sir.

0:23:460:23:48

Thank you, Corporal.

0:23:480:23:51

Now, the details of the tests are to hand. We can now put you in the picture.

0:23:510:23:58

You hear enough of my voice...

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-Hear, hear!

-Watch it, Walker.

0:24:010:24:04

-So I'm going to ask Sgt Wilson to brief you. Carry on.

-Thank you.

0:24:040:24:10

-Could I borrow your little stick?

-Certainly not.

0:24:100:24:14

Both platoon commanders will start here, in their platoon vans.

0:24:160:24:23

Tell them about the map references.

0:24:230:24:26

-Pardon?

-The map references.

-I was going to.

0:24:260:24:30

-The commanders are given a map reference, and we have to find the place...

-Using maps.

0:24:300:24:38

-Pardon?

-Using maps.

-That's obvious.

-Nothing is obvious.

0:24:380:24:43

-Carry on.

-Oh, Lord. Where did I get to?

0:24:430:24:48

-Practically nowhere.

-You keep interrupting. It-it's difficult...

0:24:480:24:54

-Initiative tests.

-Right.

0:24:540:24:57

At point B, we shall all be given our initiative tests. Right?

0:24:570:25:02

Excuse me, Uncle Sergeant,

0:25:030:25:06

in what type of form will the initiative tests be put?

0:25:060:25:11

I'll answer.

0:25:110:25:13

If we knew the form the initiative tests would take, we wouldn't be able to use our initiative.

0:25:130:25:21

-Thank you.

-Stupid boy!

0:25:210:25:25

-Can I go on?

-Carry on.

-Thank you.

0:25:250:25:29

We then cross the river here,

0:25:290:25:32

and fire five rounds of ammunition at the target.

0:25:320:25:37

-Live ammunition.

-Live ammunition.

0:25:370:25:40

Then we rush across to this tower, climb up onto the roof...

0:25:400:25:45

and run up the platoon flag which Pvt. Walker had made for us.

0:25:450:25:50

-By the way, they came to three quid.

-Three pounds? That's a bit stiff, isn't it?

0:25:500:25:56

You're lucky. I charged East Gate a fiver.

0:25:560:26:01

The first platoon, of course, to run up their flag will be the winners.

0:26:010:26:08

Is that all quite clear?

0:26:080:26:11

Captain Mainwaring.

0:26:110:26:13

-I foresee one wee snag.

-What's that?

0:26:130:26:16

While we're rushing here and there, Godfrey will still be trying to climb out the van!

0:26:160:26:24

-That's a bit of an exaggeration.

-It's plain to see - the man's decrepit!

0:26:260:26:32

No offence.

0:26:320:26:34

I admit I'm not as agile as I was. But I'm very determined.

0:26:340:26:40

Don't worry, we'll help you. He's a millstone round our necks.

0:26:400:26:46

-It's folly to take him.

-He was on the parade, so he must go.

0:26:460:26:53

If he had on spark of loyalty to the rest of us, he'd break a leg.

0:26:530:26:59

Nothing personal, my old friend. I'm speaking for the good of us all.

0:26:590:27:05

He can't break a leg! How about a finger?

0:27:050:27:09

A finger's no good! No, it has to be a leg!

0:27:090:27:14

I'm willing to help in any way.

0:27:140:27:17

-Good. The only question is, how?

-Sit down. Don't be ridiculous.

0:27:170:27:23

Permission to speak, sir!

0:27:240:27:27

Dr Livingstone and other explorers were carried on a chair between two poles. Not Poles, the people.

0:27:270:27:35

They didn't have them in Africa.

0:27:350:27:38

Bamboo poles. Four strong chaps used to carry these gentlemen. I suggest we carry Mr Godfrey.

0:27:380:27:46

-Who's gonna carry you?

-Don't start!

0:27:460:27:49

-ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT

-That's enough.

-Sit down.

0:27:490:27:54

-I think that's a very good idea. Don't you, Wilson?

-Yes, I do.

0:27:540:27:59

-It's really rather quaint.

-Right.

0:27:590:28:02

-See to that.

-Yes.

-That disposes of the Godfrey embarrassment.

0:28:020:28:07

No offence!

0:28:070:28:10

That's what I like about this platoon - agile minds.

0:28:100:28:15

We're going to run rings round that mob. Are you all with me?

0:28:150:28:22

-YES !

-That's all. Dismiss.

-I think...

0:28:220:28:26

Now, listen. The vicar, here, will read out the map reference once.

0:28:310:28:37

Write it down and run back to your vehicles. Then, the signal to start.

0:28:370:28:42

Right, vicar.

0:28:450:28:47

I'll only read this once, so listen carefully.

0:28:470:28:51

-Do get on!

-Don't start, Mainwaring!

0:28:510:28:55

Here we go.

0:28:570:28:59

And the map reference is...

0:28:590:29:01

Six hundred and twenty nine. Five hundred and seventy one.

0:29:050:29:10

-Right!

-Come on!

0:29:100:29:13

Look what they done to my flag!

0:29:260:29:29

Is it safe? Of course it is! Get on!

0:29:400:29:44

Do you mind if I put my arms round you?

0:29:470:29:51

The East Gate platoon turned to the right.

0:30:170:30:22

-Are you sure we're going the right way?

-Of course I am.

0:30:220:30:28

-Can't we go any faster?

-I'm doing twenty eight miles an hour!

0:30:280:30:33

-I beg your pardon.

-What is it?

-Do you think I might be excused?

-Certainly not!

0:30:330:30:40

Get your foot hard on the floor.

0:30:400:30:44

-I've GOT me foot on the floor! Ah-ya-ya-ya!

-What's the matter?!

-Ah-ya-ya!

0:30:440:30:50

-What are you doing?

-P-permission to s-speak, s-sir!

-What is it?

0:30:530:30:58

-I'm af-fraid I've got the old t-trouble back again, sir.

-What's that?

-M-m-m-ma-ma...

-What?

0:30:580:31:06

-Ma...ma...malaria!

-Stop at once!

0:31:060:31:10

-Stay where you are, Jones.

-M-m-m-m-m...

-Stay there.

0:31:170:31:22

-Medics! Medics!

-GIVES THREE BLASTS ON WHISTLE

0:31:220:31:26

STOP !

0:31:300:31:32

What are they doing?

0:31:320:31:34

-Three blasts is the signal to open fire.

-No! Get the medics.

0:31:340:31:40

-What for?

-Get Godfrey.

-Why not SAY so?

0:31:400:31:44

-What's happening?

-Jones has got an attack of malaria. Get him out.

0:31:440:31:50

-He won't let go of the steering wheel.

-Medics!

0:31:510:31:56

Get hold of his wrists.

0:31:560:31:59

H-he d-doesn't l-look t-too g-good, d-d-d-does he?

0:32:040:32:09

I don't f-feel t-too good.

0:32:090:32:12

Don't worry. I'll look af-af-after you.

0:32:120:32:16

-Godfrey! Where have you been?

-I took the opportunity of being excused.

0:32:210:32:27

-You should always be on hand.

-What's wrong?

-Jones has malaria. Anything we can give him?

0:32:270:32:35

-Aspirins, bicarbonate of soda, and some ointment for wasp stings.

-Wasp stings?!

0:32:350:32:42

-This isn't a Girl Guides' outing!

-Quinine! That's what we need.

0:32:420:32:47

-And he should be kept warm.

-You're right. Got any quinine?

0:32:470:32:52

-No. But I've got a bottle of tonic wine. My sister, Dolly, swears by it.

-All right.

0:32:520:33:00

Here, Jones. Drink this.

0:33:020:33:05

Hold him. He's spilling it.

0:33:050:33:08

Wrap him up. Put him in the back.

0:33:100:33:13

-I've had these at-t-tacks for the last f-forty years. They soon p-p-p-p...

-Pass.

0:33:130:33:21

-What's the matter with Jonesy?

-He's got malaria. Like Leslie Banks in Sanders Of The River.

0:33:210:33:29

-I couldn't stand that film.

-Wilson.

0:33:290:33:32

-Get him in the back of the van.

-Who's going to drive now?

-I am.

0:33:320:33:39

-Do you think that's wise?

-Don't argue, just get in.

-Right.

0:33:390:33:44

Stand by. No, not now!

0:33:470:33:50

Another half mile and we turn left, sir.

0:34:020:34:06

-Thank you.

-Excuse me. Mr Jones has turned yellow.

0:34:060:34:11

-Get more blankets on him.

-Right.

-Shouldn't we get him to a doctor?

0:34:110:34:16

We'd lose the race. It'll wear off.

0:34:160:34:21

-Turning soon!

-How sweet!

-What?

0:34:210:34:24

-We just passed a dear little cottage, just like Snow White's.

-Keep your eye on the road.

0:34:240:34:32

-Mr Mainwaring, Mr Jones isn't yellow any more.

-Good, good.

0:34:320:34:37

-He's turned purple.

-Good. WHAT ?!

0:34:370:34:40

-He's like a beetroot.

-More blankets!

0:34:400:34:43

LEFT !

0:34:430:34:45

That's it.

0:34:450:34:48

-Steam...

-Is the engine over-heating?

-It's not the engine. What's going on back there?

0:34:530:34:59

-Mr Jones is steaming, sir.

-Steaming?

-The condensation is everywhere.

0:34:590:35:05

Let him sweat it out! And plenty to drink.

0:35:050:35:09

-He drank half the tonic wine.

-Give him the other half.

0:35:090:35:15

Next turning on the left, coming up.

0:35:150:35:18

That's it.

0:35:180:35:21

-How enchanting!

-What?

-We just passed Snow White's cottage again.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

0:35:340:35:42

What?! We're going in a circle!

0:35:420:35:45

This is YOUR fault, Frazer.

0:35:450:35:48

-What are you doing?

-DON'T SHOUT !

0:35:480:35:52

-East Gate are coming up behind us.

-Thanks to your bungling, they're catching up!

0:35:520:35:58

-How can I read properly with your jerky driving?!

-No insubordination!

0:35:580:36:04

-Take his name, Sergeant.

-I know it.

0:36:040:36:07

-They're trying to get past us.

-They won't get past ME !

0:36:070:36:12

PULL OVER AND LET THEM PASS !

0:36:310:36:34

-MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS !

-PULL OVER !

-CLEAR OFF !

0:36:340:36:40

I mean it! All that going on!

0:36:470:36:50

We'll soon sort that out.

0:36:530:36:56

-What are you doing?

-Good job you stopped!

0:36:580:37:02

-Yes. Or I'd have run you over.

-Any more of this and you're out of the race.

0:37:020:37:09

-It's not fair!

-There's no point in using foul language like that!

0:37:090:37:15

-I didn't use any foul language!

-Yes, you did. Luckily, the engine noise stopped the Reverend hearing it.

0:37:150:37:22

-They're getting awfully far ahead.

-Can't we discuss this another time?

0:37:220:37:28

I'm making a protest! Vicar...

0:37:280:37:31

We're only here as umpires. Drive on, Mr Hodges.

0:37:310:37:36

Ach!

0:37:410:37:42

Why don't you chuck some water on it? We haven't got any water!

0:37:450:37:50

HORN HONKS What the Devil...?

0:37:500:37:54

CHEERS

0:37:540:37:56

Come back!

0:37:560:37:59

< Get yourself a horse!!

0:37:590:38:02

Seems to be all right now, sir.

0:38:040:38:06

Well done, Sgt! Get in. They can't be far away.

0:38:060:38:10

Get off! How I can I drive like that!

0:38:200:38:24

They've gone that way. Turn round.

0:38:450:38:48

They've gone that way. Turn round.

0:38:480:38:51

Gear...

0:38:570:38:59

They're going THAT way. Turn round.

0:39:030:39:06

They're going THAT way. Turn round.

0:39:060:39:10

Follow them.

0:39:110:39:13

We'll follow them!

0:39:140:39:18

Blimey! Here we go round the mulberry bush!

0:39:240:39:28

Where are they? They should have been here ages ago.

0:39:320:39:37

Back up at once! Do you hear?

0:40:020:40:06

Don't tell ME to back up. YOU back up!

0:40:060:40:09

We'll soon see about THAT !

0:40:090:40:12

Out and push!

0:40:220:40:24

Out and push!

0:40:250:40:28

What's going on? Come on!

0:40:360:40:39

HEAVE !

0:40:460:40:48

-Back up.

-Clear off!

0:40:480:40:51

Mr Mainwaring, I think the warden's drowning.

0:41:100:41:15

Quick. Wilson. Come on.

0:41:150:41:18

-No. You stay here. And when they're not looking, let their tyres down.

-Tyres down!

0:41:180:41:26

Sir. What is it?

0:41:260:41:28

There's a person in the water. I'll go. You stay here.

0:41:280:41:33

While they're not looking, let their tyres down!

0:41:330:41:38

JONES SINGS TO HIMSELF Get down, you silly old goat.

0:41:390:41:44

Get down!

0:41:470:41:50

-Pull, Mainwaring!

-Pull, Square!

0:41:580:42:01

SOLDIERS: They're letting our tyres down! What?

0:42:010:42:05

And now it's the initiative tests. Mr Hodges, carry on!

0:42:100:42:15

-Where's Jones?

-They're bringing him.

0:42:150:42:18

Wait here.

0:42:210:42:24

-SLURRED:

-I'm all right now. My malaria's completely subsidised.

0:42:250:42:31

-One bottle of Mr Godfrey's wine and I'm a new man!

-He's drunk.

0:42:310:42:37

Pay attention, please!

0:42:370:42:40

This is your first initiative test. JONES MUTTERS

0:42:400:42:44

-Are you listening?

-Just read it out! You're responsible for him, Wilson.

0:42:440:42:50

-Why should

-I

-be responsible?

0:42:500:42:53

Can I have some attention, if you don't mind?

0:42:530:42:57

-Over here...

-Sssh! Shhh!

-..the verger has hold...

-Sssh!

-..of 24 balloons.

0:42:570:43:04

When I say "go", he will release the balloons.

0:43:060:43:11

You will fix bayonets and burst every balloon before moving on. Right, GO !

0:43:110:43:19

Men, fix bayonets and charge!

0:43:210:43:24

Don't panic! Don't panic! I'll get 'em!

0:43:320:43:38

-Wilson, are you a member of this platoon?

-I suppose so.

-Then burst these balloons.

0:43:390:43:46

I'll fix 'em! They're not going to... Way-hey!

0:43:480:43:53

It won't go in, Mr Mainwaring. They're offering no resistance.

0:43:590:44:04

Stupid boy!

0:44:040:44:07

Hang on! I've got it!

0:44:090:44:12

A safety pin is quite effective. You have to open it, of course.

0:44:230:44:28

I'll fix 'em! I'll get 'em, sir!

0:44:340:44:38

There's a couple!

0:44:380:44:40

I'll get 'em!

0:44:470:44:50

Ah...ah...

0:44:500:44:52

-Next test. That's the lot.

-What about THAT one?

0:44:550:45:00

-I'll get it, sir!

-Square's lot have finished!

0:45:020:45:08

-You're not leaving till you've got that one.

-I'll get it!

-Leave it to me.

0:45:080:45:15

-Good heavens!

-What do you mean?

0:45:160:45:19

Good heavens! Come on, men!

0:45:190:45:22

You're supposed to do that with your bayonet.

0:45:220:45:26

I'll do YOU with a bayonet!

0:45:260:45:29

I'm rather enjoying this.

0:45:310:45:34

Pay attention. You as well. This tank is full of feathers. Take the feathers

0:45:410:45:48

and put them in barrels over there.

0:45:480:45:51

Ready. Go!

0:45:530:45:56

Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring, I can do this. I'm good at this.

0:45:560:46:01

This is no good. Fill your caps and stuff some feathers inside your tunics.

0:46:040:46:11

-Mr Mainwaring...

-Not now, Pike.

0:46:110:46:14

-Mr Mainwaring, could you spare me for a moment?

-Certainly not.

0:46:150:46:20

PIKE IS SNEEZING

0:46:230:46:27

-You've had some silly ideas, but this is the silliest.

-That's no way to talk me.

0:46:270:46:35

Go, men!

0:46:380:46:40

They're flying everywhere.

0:46:440:46:47

-Mr Mainwaring...

-Yes, Pike?

-A-a-a-achoo!

-Don't waste my time.

0:46:470:46:52

-This isn't working.

-Have you any better suggestions?

0:46:560:47:01

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-ACHOO !

0:47:010:47:04

-Don't keep doing that.

-Bags!

-Yes. Use trousers and tie up the legs.

0:47:040:47:10

-Take your trousers off.

-I will not!

0:47:120:47:14

-Take them off.

-Why ME ?

-You've to set an example. Trousers off!

-Why don't YOU ?

0:47:140:47:22

-Stuff feathers down your trousers.

-You stuff 'em! >

0:47:220:47:27

This is not a very hygienic way of going on.

0:47:270:47:32

Take your trousers OFF. Tie the bottoms and stuff the legs.

0:47:320:47:37

-What?

-Stuff them down the legs!

0:47:370:47:41

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-Why don't we take the barrels to the tank, fill them, then take them back?

0:47:530:48:00

One more stupid suggestion... Good idea!

0:48:000:48:04

Bring the barrels over to the tank.

0:48:040:48:08

Mr Hodges. How's Square's mob getting on?

0:48:080:48:12

Still carrying the feathers. Mainwaring's lot will win.

0:48:120:48:17

We'll soon see about that!

0:48:170:48:20

Mr Hodges! Mainwaring's lot will be here in a minute.

0:48:290:48:34

I'll cook his goose! How? I'll pull the plug out.

0:48:340:48:39

-Hurry up! Get in.

-Hey!

0:48:470:48:50

-You can't get in that boat.

-Why not?

-THAT'S your boat.

-Mind your own business.

-I insist.

0:48:500:48:58

You are being a frightful bore.

0:48:580:49:02

-PLEASE, get in the other boat.

-He's gone off his head.

-He always WAS strange.

0:49:020:49:09

-Hurry up, Godfrey.

-Yes, sir.

0:49:090:49:12

Isn't this exciting?!

0:49:170:49:20

-Let's see this boat skim across the water.

-That'll be difficult.

0:49:200:49:26

-Why?

-You haven't untied it yet.

0:49:260:49:29

Cast off.

0:49:290:49:32

Come along, men. In you get.

0:49:390:49:42

I pulled the plug out. You damn fool !

0:49:420:49:46

Why? > To stop Mainwaring's lot. I did it for you.

0:49:460:49:52

There's another boat on that bank. Row over in that dinghy and get it.

0:49:520:49:57

Of course! Sergeant, where are you?

0:49:590:50:02

What were you doing? I took the plug out of that dinghy. It fits this boat.

0:50:050:50:13

I'm afraid it doesn't, sir.

0:50:130:50:16

Don't worry, Captain Square...

0:50:160:50:19

Ohh...ohh... Here we go again!

0:50:270:50:30

Put that cigarette out, Walker.

0:51:050:51:08

Not long ago, you were glad of it!

0:51:080:51:11

This one's for you, Mainwaring!

0:51:150:51:18

I'll get you, Mainwaring!

0:51:280:51:31

-No sign of Captain Square, sir.

-Looks as if we've won, Wilson.

0:51:390:51:45

Run to the top of the tower and raise your flag.

0:51:450:51:49

Very good, sir. Why are you shaking, Jones?

0:51:490:51:53

-Not another attack of malaria?

-No. I always fire like this, sir.

-Get on!

0:51:530:52:00

-Hurry up, Jonesy.

-Flag, Wilson.

0:52:000:52:04

-What flag?

-The platoon flag.

-You didn't say anything about it.

0:52:040:52:09

-I told you to bring the flag!

-I have it.

-Well done, Frazer.

0:52:090:52:14

Finished!

0:52:150:52:17

-Finished firing, sir.

-Off you go.

0:52:200:52:23

Godfrey, stay here. Men, follow me!

0:52:230:52:26

-Right, Pike, you take the flag.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

0:52:410:52:46

Hurry up!

0:52:490:52:51

-It's the rhythm that gets you up the stairs.

-Another flight and I'd have passed out.

0:52:530:53:00

-Know how to do that?

-There should be a loop.

0:53:000:53:05

The loop must be here somewhere.

0:53:050:53:08

-Here we are.

-You've pulled the loop out of the pulley at the end!

0:53:080:53:14

Any more insubordination and I shall complain to your mother!

0:53:150:53:20

We're supposed to fly the flag. We can't.

0:53:200:53:24

-I'll get it! I'll fix it!

-Jones!

0:53:240:53:27

-I'll shin out and back.

-Wilson, get him back!

0:53:270:53:32

-I

-can't stop him!

0:53:320:53:35

Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

0:53:350:53:38

-What is it?

-That tonic wine is marvellous!

0:53:380:53:42

Come back in!

0:53:420:53:45

Don't worry about me. I'm as agile as a monkey, I am. Agile as a monkey!

0:53:450:53:52

-The man's a fool.

-A brave one.

-He does it to create an impression.

0:53:520:53:57

-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!!

-Yes?

0:53:570:54:00

-I've reached the end. What'll I do?

-Thread the rope through the pulley.

0:54:000:54:06

-Yes, Mr... What rope?

-The rope that the flag's attached to.

-Where is it?

0:54:060:54:12

-Here.

-Here. What's it doing here?!

0:54:120:54:16

Mr Mainwaring, throw it to me.

0:54:170:54:20

-Godfrey, get a blanket.

-I don't need one. I'm not cold.

0:54:230:54:28

-But if you fall...

-I won't be cold if I fall.

0:54:280:54:32

You will be when you hit the ground.

0:54:320:54:35

Back, back, back...

0:54:350:54:38

Right, right...left, left...

0:54:380:54:41

Here!

0:54:410:54:43

-Can't you throw it any nearer?

-I'm trying!

0:54:440:54:49

Let ME try. Dinnae miss this, you silly old twerp!

0:54:490:54:54

Got it!

0:54:540:54:56

Forward a bit! Forward...forward...forward.

0:54:560:55:01

Bit to the right. Bit to the right...left...

0:55:010:55:06

Oooh! Weh-ah!

0:55:060:55:08

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-The wine's going to me head. Everything's going sideways.

0:55:080:55:15

Thread the rope through the pulley and get back here.

0:55:150:55:20

Right-o, Mr Mainwaring.

0:55:200:55:23

Oh, it's come away.

0:55:230:55:26

-It's like threading a camel through the eye of a needle.

-Come back!

-Back in a minute!

0:55:310:55:39

Come on. They haven't got their flag up yet.

0:55:400:55:43

-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

-Yes?

-I've got it! I've got it!

-APPLAUSE

0:55:450:55:53

I've got it. I've got. Oh, nearly got me top set out.

0:55:560:56:01

There we are. That's it. It's all right...

0:56:030:56:08

-Mr Mainwaring, you saved my life again. You're always doing that. You deserve a kiss...

-No, no!

0:56:150:56:23

Wah! It's started again, Mr Mainwaring! It's started again!

0:56:230:56:28

Quickly!

0:56:300:56:32

Go and get some blankets, Wilson.

0:56:320:56:35

More tonic wine! More tonic wine!

0:56:350:56:38

Look!

0:56:380:56:40

What the devil's going on here?

0:56:410:56:44

-You've lost.

-We were here first.

-But you didn't get your flag out.

0:56:440:56:51

Number One Platoon. Mainwaring's won!

0:56:510:56:54

-I shall make a formal protest!

-But it's OUR flag that's flying.

0:56:540:57:01

What? You blithering idiot! You've flown their flag!

0:57:010:57:06

It was the one you gave me, sir.

0:57:070:57:10

-What is the meaning of this?

-It means you've lost!

0:57:100:57:15

I've got a suspicion that you're a rank outsider.

0:57:150:57:20

Here's their flag. Chuck it over.

0:57:230:57:26

-Excuse me!

-Oh, no, no! I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr Wilson.

-Wait a minute.

0:57:260:57:33

Wait a minute.

0:57:330:57:36

That's OUR flag. And THAT'S our flag.

0:57:360:57:41

Ah, yes, now, well...

0:57:410:57:44

What happened was, I made a flag for us, and it wasn't up to standard, so I made another.

0:57:450:57:53

I must have got the other one mixed up with their platoon's flag. What a terrible mistake!

0:57:530:58:01

I don't believe one word.

0:58:010:58:04

-I didn't think you would. Anyway, it WAS an initiative test.

-That's true.

0:58:040:58:10

-I don't approve of this. You behaved badly.

-Yes, sir.

0:58:100:58:15

If any of you others were in this, you have incurred my displeasure.

0:58:150:58:20

All the same, I'm damned glad we won!

0:58:200:58:24

Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC Scotland, 1992

0:59:050:59:09