The Big Parade Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again.

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

GERMAN ACCENT: Follow telegraph poles. Look out for main road.

Turn right. Carry on until road forks.

Bear left. Stop and look for signal west-nor'west.

- The woman's name? - Fraulein T. The password is "Ich weiss nicht, was soll es bedeuten."

What are you two smiling at?

You'll be the only girl in Berlin.

It's ever so romantic, don't you think, Arthur?

Yes... Yes, I do.

SPEECH INAUDIBLE

-In a way, he's rather like you, Arthur. Strong. Masterful.

-Oh, really? Do you think so?

-Who is this chap? Some sort of foreigner?

-Yes, yes.

Disgraceful. Why couldn't they have got a British chap to act the part?

Did you see the way he held her in his arms?

Frank! Take your thumb out of your mouth! Sorry, Mum.

I say, do you mind sitting up? Do you mind sitting up? I can't see the screen.

-Sssh!

-What's the matter?

-It's Mr Mainwaring!

-Ohh!

Sssh! Don't turn round!

Disgraceful, the way people behave in cinemas. Isn't it, Wilson? Wilson!

Yes. Yes it is, yes.

I find all this very embarrassing.

I usually sit in the two-and-threepennies.

You have to take what seats you can, in war-time.

-This war's an excuse for anything. This cinema's like a bacchanalian orgy!

-It's not as bad as all that.

Morals have gone to pieces. There's far too much permissiveness.

I'll be glad when this war's over and people stop doing this sort of thing. I'm glad my wife isn't here.

-Why couldn't she come tonight?

-She's not keen on the talkies.

-Why not?

When Al Jolson first opened his mouth and said, "You ain't heard nothing yet", she got a headache.

-She hasn't been to the cinema since.

-But that was twelve years ago!

She's not a great one for change.

Mum. Mmm? That's Mr Jones.

He's in front of Mr Mainwaring. No!

It can't be! It IS.

Mr Mainwaring! Frank!

I think that's Mr Jones over there in front of you.

That you, Jones?

Oh, hello, Mr Mainwaring.

This is a friend of mine. This is, um, Mrs Fox.

-Hello.

-Good evening.

-She's a widow, you know.

-Really?

SOUNDTRACK STARTS

This is the Gaumont British News, presenting the truth to the free peoples of the world. >

STIRRING MUSIC

It's a busy day for Mr Churchill. At 10 o'clock he inspects units of the fleet somewhere in England.

At 11 o'clock, he gives a cheery smile to our gallant Czech allies.

Hello, what's this that's caught his eye?

It's their regimental mascot. He can't wait to have a go at Adolf!

-Did you see that magnificent ram?

-Yes - it's awfully nice.

-That gives me an idea.

-Oh, lord, no, sir! No!

Oh. I'll tell you later. Come on. Report for duty. Come on, Frank. That applies to you too, Walker.

I haven't seen the Donald Duck yet.

Your scarf, Frank!

Now, pay attention.

Last night, I went to the cinema.

I saw something that made me think.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes?

That lady and I are just good friends.

I'm not talking about YOU. I mean the ram.

What's the difference?

The regimental mascot that we saw in the newsreel.

As you know, on Sunday morning, there's a parade of all the civil defence units and home guard units,

for the start of Spitfire Fund Week. We'll be leading it.

It might be a good idea if WE had a mascot.

I'm not sure what sort of mascot. I'm going to let you think about it.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

-In days gone by, ships used to have a painted lady for their mascot.

Yes.

I was thinking of something live.

Couldn't we have a live painted lady?

Just be quiet for a moment, please.

I've got a white mouse.

Stupid boy!

I've got a very large pussy-cat.

Yes. Right. I appreciate your suggestion, Godfrey, but er...

We might find it a little difficult to make a pussy-cat march smartly.

It's just occured to me, sir - perhaps we could use a ram ourselves.

Private Sponge here is a farmer. Maybe he could help us.

Rams are funny-tempered at this time of year.

Why are they funny-tempered at this time of year?

Well, like the man said, it's...er...the time of year. The time of year.

What time of year?

-The time when they're after...

-Yes, all right, all right.

Don't you tell this boy anything?

-Um...

-I take it, Private Sponge, that you'll lend us one of your rams?

If you can catch one, you're welcome.

Nonsense. One section should do it.

-Go and see to Mr Hodges.

-Yes, sir.

Can I... Can I help you at all?

-Is Napoleon busy?

-Yes, he's trying to find a way to catch a ram.

That'll help the war effort (!)

-We'd like to walk behind the ram at the parade.

-Like sheep, you mean?

-What is it, warden?

-Can I have a private word about the parade?

-We've no secrets here.

-Right. Here's the plan. You're at the back.

Don't be absurd. We are LEADING the procession.

-I've made the decision. You're at the back.

-I talked to Councillor Conway about it at the Rotary luncheon.

-Don't you come that class distinction stuff!

-I'll be marching with the ram at the front.

-That's up to you (!)

-We have a mascot.

-I don't care if you've got a dove-cote.

-Why did you think YOU'd be leading the parade?

Alphabetical order. ARP - Home Guard. A comes before H, don't it? Look.

First the Sea Scouts Band, then us - the ARP, then the nurses,

then the rescue service, the ATC, then the Fire service, F, you see,

-G, H, H for Home Guard, that's you, you're last.

-Don't be ridiculous.

How can the nurses and rescue come before us? N and R come after H.

No - Auxiliary Nurses and Auxiliary Rescue.

A comes before H.

-We're Army. That's an A.

-You're not proper army.

We're auxiliary army. That puts us even further in front.

-How can you be auxiliary army?

-It's simple.

We're army, he's ARP. That's two A's, so we're level.

The second letter of Army is R, and we take the second letter of ARP, which is R,

so that we're still level.

-Then we take the third letter which is er...

-M, which comes before P. So we're first.

So there you are. If you want it in alphabetical order, WE are first.

We'll see about THAT! THEY WHISTLE "LAUREL AND HARDY" THEME

THEY JEER

-First round to us, I think!

-I think so too, sir.

-Right!

Number One Section will parade here at six tomorrow evening, to march to Sponge's farm to catch a ram.

-Dismiss the parade.

-Dismiss!

# If you go down in the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise... #

Ssh! Not a sound!

# If you go down in the woods today, you'd better go in disguise. #

Magnificent animal!

Down!

I don't think that ram's going to like the idea of being caught, sir.

Don't be a pessimist, Wilson. Frazer's an expert at field-craft.

I saw them do this in "The Last of the Mohicans".

Gary Cooper.

Right. Stand up and expose yourself.

We've got to make the ram think we're perfectly normal.

­ That's going to be a bit difficult.

He's got to accept us as part of the landscape.

Spread yourselves out, and slowly encircle him.

# There's lots of marvellous things to eat... #

-We won't interfere unless it's necessary.

-No, sir.

-Why, sir, I do believe you like butter!

-Don't be ridiculous.

# ..Picnic time for teddy-bears,

# The little teddy-bears are having a lovely time today.

# Watch them, catch them unawares... #

Oh dear. He looks awfully fierce.

# See them picnic on their holiday. See them gaily gad about,

# They love to sing and shout, they never have any cares. #

Right. Come on Wilson.

Pity. It was rather nice here.

# ..Because they're tired little teddy-bears. #

-Stop!

-What is it?

-Mr Mainwaring, permission to stop panicking, sir?

He's not chasing us any more.

-Where is he?

-Down by the river.

-Get after him!

-BREATHLESS:

-You're all... out of condition.

Pike, keep it in sight, and we'll follow.

Gary Cooper! Whoooo!

Ba-a-a! >

Argh! >

It's no use. We won't find it this way. We'll have to spread out.

Help! >

-Help! >

-Good Lord!

-Help, Uncle Arthur, help!

-Just keep still. Whatever you do, keep still.

Stop struggling!

Stop struggling!

Hold on! Your uncle's coming.

Uncle!

Hold on a moment, Mr Mainwaring!

Help! Help! >

­ What was that, Mr Mainwaring?

-Help!

-Help!

->

-­ There it goes again. Help!

-Help!

-Sounds like an echo.

-It's coming from over there!

-Quick! Come on!

Help!

Hang on! Ah, thank goodness you've come, sir.

I'm sinking, Mr Mainwaring.

Pike's in the bog! Don't panic! Don't panic!

Be quiet, Corporal. All right, Pike! Hold on!

-What about me, sir?

-You'll just have to wait.

Why are you always so selfish?

-We need something to pull him out with.

-What about that notice-board?

-Get it.

-You shouldn't take that. It might be important.

-Nonsense.

What does it say?

Right! Grab hold of this!

I can't reach it, Mr Mainwaring!

We'll have to get something else.

-What about a rope, sir?

-By the time we'd got a rope, it would be too late.

-Oh, no!

-<

-Excuse me, sir.

-Wait your turn!

-I was going to suggest a way to help Frank.

-What?

If you don't want to hear... Ouch!

This is no time to sulk. He's sinking!

If you lay your jackets on top of the bog... Ouch...!

-One of you might be able to reach him.

-Yes. Good thinking.

Take your coats off, you men.

-It's not enough.

-I still say we ought to use the rope, sir!

-Shut up, and take your trousers off.

All of you take your trousers off.

D'you want this, sir? It's very absorbent.

Yes, yes, anything!

-Right. Get down there, Sponge.

-Must I?

Do as you're told. If we hadn't been chasing your blasted ram, none of this would have happened!

Hold my right hand, Frazer.

Walker! Hang on to Frazer!

That's it! Right! Grab my hand!

PIKE: I saw this happening in a Tarzan film once. Blokes trying to get a man out of a swamp.

He got eaten by a crocodile!

Now hold my hand tightly! Heave!

Mr Mainwaring...

..I'd like to thank you for saving my life.

Oh, nonsense!

-Sir, could you spare a moment to get me free?

-All right, Wilson, we'll be with you in a moment.

FRAZER: Where's Jones?

­ I don't know. He was here before.

Mr Mainwaring, sir! Look!

-Get down and get him out.

-Oh, Lord!

FRAZER: Let me try, Mr Mainwaring! My arms are nae as short as yours.

-Can you feel anything?

-Nothing, Mr Mainwaring. Nothing at all.

Jones.

I don't believe it.

I... I simply can't believe it.

I've got the rope, sir.

Put it round your neck!

# Here comes the bogey-man,

# Don't let him come too close to you, he'll catch you if he can,

# Just pretend that you're a crocodile,

# And you will find that bogeyman will run another mile. #

Look at 'em! Look at 'em!

There's the warden. No doubt he'll have some clever comment to make.

Ignore him. Smartly, now! March to attention!

I'm going to enjoy this.

I'm going to enjoy this.

Are you all right, sir?

You don't look well.

I've waited for this moment, but now it's come, I can't think of anything to say.

# Tomorrow's world belongs to you... #

FRAZER: There's no doubt about it, that is a magnificent animal.

WALKER: I said I'd get a mascot. There it is.

It's not like the photograph.

We could always tidy it up a bit.

You told Mr Mainwaring it would be the same goat that was on the photograph.

We'll have to make it look like it.

How can we? The parade starts in 30 minutes!

Got it! Listen, Spike! Go and get the horns off the wall in the vicar's office.

My sister had her handbag eaten by a goat once.

-You're not carrying a handbag, are you, Mr...

-No, but they eat other things.

Oh, ta. Just what I want.

Right, come here, son.

Hang on. We want a bit of fuse wire. Pikey, go and see if you can find some fuse wire.

It's the warden! Hide the goat!

Where's Mr Mainwaring?

Hello, Verger! Joined up, have you?

I am skipper of the Sea Scouts. My band is leading the parade.

What are you doing with the vicar's horns?

Ah! They fell off the wall, and I'm mending them.

The vicar's not going to like this. He got them horns when he was a missionary.

Was he climbing out of the pot?

Where's Captain Mainwaring? I wanted to tell him... What's that smell?

What smell?

-That horrible smell.

-We can't smell anything.

I shall have to report this to the vicar.

Ah, Mr Mainwaring. I just wanted to tell you that my boys will be at the assembly point in half an hour.

Splendid, Verger. See you there.

-I must talk to the vicar about that smell.

-Very good.

Good morning, men. As soon as the rest of the platoon arrives,

we'll march to the station. Did you get the goat, Walker?

-Er... Yes. Yes.

-Good. Where is it, then?

Well, it's er... It's there, sort of er...

How dare you?

I thought it might work.

You told me you could get a goat! I paid £5!

And then you turn up with this THING!

Joe's really going to get a telling-off this time.

You've ruined everything!

I'm sorry, sir. Hang on. Here's your fiver back.

-You know what this means?

-Yes, sir.

-No mascot!

-It'll be a great relief, sir.

How you could ever believe that this moth-eaten, wretched...

Division, atten-shun!

Pull your sock up.

Atten-shun!

At ease!

As we wardens are leading the parade,

it's up to us to be as smart as the Home Guard.

Here he comes. Atten-shun!

Forward turn! At ease!

About turn!

-Fall your boys in!

-Aye-aye, sir!

-What are you playing at?

-Clear off!

-The wardens are leading this parade!

-The Home Guard are leading it!

-Where's your mascot?

-Never mind. Take up your position.

-We'll see about that!

Carry on!

Band, atten-shun!

Drummers ready!

By the left, quick march!

BAND PLAYS: "You're In The Army Now"

Come on, lads! We'll show 'em who's going to lead the parade!

Left! Right!

Left! Left! Left! Left! Left, right, left, right, left!

Left-right-left-right-left-right! Left-right-left!

FAST: LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT!