Don't Forget the Diver Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think Old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think Old England's done? #

-­

-There we were, in the desert, no food, and worse, no water!

And Johnny Turk sniping at us all the time!

My tongue was so swollen it filled my mouth.

I would've sold my soul to the devil for a drink.

-Like another, sir?

-Thank you, Sgt.

Same again, please.

We don't see you gentlemen from the Eastgate platoon here very often.

We're over to see about the big exercise on Sunday.

All the home guard units are taking part.

That's enough, Sgt. Careless talk... What, what, careless talk, eh?

Now, wh-wh-wh-where w-w-w-was I ?

-In the desert, dying of thirst.

-Oh, yes! Thank you so much. Cheers.

Yes, my tongue was absolutely black.

Then I remembered the old trick of sucking a pebble.

Only trouble was, no pebbles in the desert, what!

Nothing but sand, don't you know?

Then pulled out my Gold Hunter - beautiful watch. Belonged to my father.

I popped that in my mouth and left it there for three days.

That watch saved my life.

-That's a remarkable story, sir.

-But what's even more remarkable

is that, when I took that watch out, it was still going perfectly.

I'll prove it to you. I'll just set the alarm.

Now...

-I must say I could do with a glass of beer, sir.

-Yes, I always enjoy my pint after the parade.

There's that terrible old bore, Capt Square. What's he doing here?

-I suppose he's over from Eastgate about the scheme on Sunday.

-Yes.

-Good evening, Mr Mainwaring.

MUFFLED GREETING

What the devil's he doing with the watch?

Perhaps he's, er... Perhaps he's watching his drink.

Just a little play on words, sir.

Oh, really, Wilson! Your sense of humour gets more childish every day!

-BUZZ

-Ah! And still going. What did I tell you, eh?

This calls for another drink. Sorry, Mainwaring, after you.

-Please, carry on.

-Same again. Well, Mainwaring, looking forward to Sunday?

-Should be interesting.

-You won't capture that mill with us inside.

How will you cross the open ground?

-I daresay a way will be found.

-Sorry to keep you waiting. Pints?

-Yes, please.

Thanks very much, yes.

-Sorry, gents. No more beer.

-Well, that's nice (!)

FEMALE SINGER: # When that man is dead and gone... #

This is, without doubt, the most difficult exercise that we have so far tackled.

Here is the windmill. Inside, Capt Square and the Eastgate platoon.

Wall here, river here, boathouse here, and here and here, bushes and trees.

Elsewhere, completely open ground.

Our job is to get across that open ground

and plant a high explosive inside that windmill. Any suggestions?

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

-What about a tunnel, sir?

-A tunnel?

-Yes, sir. We could go behind that wall and dig a hole in a downwards direction, sir.

Dig down and down, then suddenly start digging sideways and sideways.

When we think we're under the mill, start digging upwards. God willing, we'll be in the mill.

Or else in Australia (!)

I think you're in the realms of fantasy again, Jones.

Realms of fantasy! He's playing with fire, you know. I control his meat.

I have an idea, sir. There was a play of Shakespeare's

and there was some sort of king who invited his troops to dress up as bushes

-so that they could move across the open ground in order to attack the castle.

-Yes? Dressed as bushes?

-As bushes, yes.

-A very good idea.

-Yes.

-Will you be long, verger?

-The state you leave the place in is a disgrace!

Well, you're getting on my nerves,

creeping about looking miserable.

This is my normal expression! You can't be a verger with a funny face!

You seem to have managed all right!

Dirt! That's what they treat me like - dirt!

Sorry, gentlemen. Where were we up to?

Get one of us inside a dummy log, then we can float down the river to the mill.

-That's rather a good idea, Walker. But someone would have to push the log.

-Someone in a diving-suit.

That's absurd! Who's got a diving-suit?

-I have!

-You have? How did you come by that?

I was in the South Seas with my friend, Willie, diving for pearls.

One day, he was down below doing the job

and I was up on deck with the native boys, workin' the pumps.

Suddenly, I felt four pulls on his life-line. That means "haul me up!"

I looked down - the sea was so clear -

and there was Willie fightin' for his life with a giant squid.

I never hesitated. I dived down and down into the depths

and I plunged my knife between those two HIDEOUS eyes.

My lungs were bursting, a red mist before my eyes! The sea was black wi' the inky liquid from the squid!

I gave the signal and they quickly pulled Willie up.

They got him on deck, unscrewed his helmet, and then...

then I realised they'd pulled him up too quickly! He was dying

from the dreaded bends.

I cradled him in my arms

and he gazed up at me and said, "Jock, look after my poor old mother.

"See that she gets all my property."

Well, all he had was his diving-suit and it was no use to her,

so I gave her ten bob and kept it!

Every time after that,

whenever I went down in that diving-helmet,

I could hear poor Willie's voice crying...

"He-e-e-e-elp!

"He-e-e-E-E-E-e-e-elp!"

So, we take it you have a diving-suit, Fraser (!)

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

-I'll borrow the vicar's imitation log what he uses in his pantomime.

-He won't like that much.

Oh, I'm in charge of his meat, sir. He'd do anything for a bit of kidney!

Fine. We'll parade here tomorrow and discuss the plan in detail. That's all.

-Hello. Hello.

-Hello, who's there?

-It's me, Capt Square. The verger at Walmington-on-sea Parish Church.

-Ah, yes. Any news?

-Yes, sir. I know how they'll get into the mill - the same way Shakepeare did it.

-Shakespeare?

-They'll dress up as bushes, creep into the crops, and then across the open ground.

-That old trick! Mainwaring must be slipping! Thanks for your help.

-Pleasure, sir.

I'd do anything for you, sir. You're a gentleman. This lot treat me like dirt!

# Life is a melody never heard before... #

-Right, Fraser?

-Fine, thanks, sir.

-Right, we'll just run through the plan in detail again.

We are in the boathouse here and Fraser will push the log out into the open river.

Remaining underwater, he'll push the log along the river till he reaches the windmill. What then?

-When I reach the windmill, I give one tug on my life-line.

-Right.

When Fraser does that, I shall give one warble on my bird-warbler.

-And what do you do then, Wilson?

-When you've done your warble,

-I shall start to create the first diversion.

-Right. Walker?

When Sgt Wilson starts the first diversion, I'll help him with it.

-That's right. And then, Fraser?

-While the diversion is attracting the attention of the defenders,

I quickly tilt Jones, in the log, onto the bank.

-Excellent. Jones...? Where's Jones?

-He's dressing up as a log.

Hurry up! Shouldn't take all this time!

And here we have Betty...in a natty little one-piece woodland ensemble.

# A beautiful girl is like a melody... #

Walker!

All right, stand easy, Corporal.

-Ahem... What do you think, Wilson?

-I don't know what to think, sir. I really don't.

-Well, we'll just have to go through with it and hope for the best.

-Yes.

-Jones... Where are you, Jones?

-I'm here, sir.

-Ah, Jones.

-We've got to the bit where you've been tipped on the bank.

-Yes, sir.

-What do you do then?

-Well, sir...

While Sgt Wilson's been diverting, I make my way to the windmill.

That's right. When Jones reaches the windmill, I shall give two warbles on bird-warbler. What then?

- Then I start the second diversion. - And I help him.

-That's right. Now, Jones.

-Yes, sir?

This second diversion should give you time to get to the mill.

Make sure the people inside can't see you, then divest yourself of the log and climb up the ladder.

Then throw the bomb in through the window he...here!

How will you carry the bomb?

-Between my legs, sir.

-What?

I'll tie string round my waist, and that will dangle between my knees.

At a given point, of my own choosing, I'll untie the string and the bomb will drop to the floor.

-I see.

-Sir.

-Give him the time-bomb.

-Right, sir. Here we are, Jonesie. Try and keep still for a moment.

Sir, I can't see where to put the...

-That was rather neat, wasn't it?

-All right, tie it on, Jones.

Right, sir.

-Quickly as you can.

-Right, sir.

-Do hurry.

-I've only got two pairs of legs, sir!

-Give him a hand, Walker.

Right. Open up, Jonesie!

I'm tying a knot, so put your finger on it.

Not there!

Oh, come on, get on with it. See if you can release the bomb.

-Off you go!

-Right, sir.

-Release the bomb!

-Right, sir.

-CLUCKS

-All right, Corporal! That's enough.

-Stop jumping about now, Jones. That seemed to work, Wilson.

-Yes. Shall I put the bomb back in?

-No!

Let's just assume that it's inside. Stand by. We'll run through it all.

From the beginning... Where have you gone?

-I'm down here, sir.

-We're going from the beginning.

-Very good, sir.

-You all right, Fraser?

-Aye, sir.

-Put him on the raft.

-Don't forget - keep up a nice steady pressure.

Don't worry, we'll keep pumping. If I give four pulls, I want to come up.

If you give four pulls, you want me to come up. Two different signals,

-four and four.

-Clever boy. Put the glass in!

Start pumping! Godfrey, Wilson, take up your diversion positions.

-Yes, sir.

-Right, get Fraser into the water.

Right, now. You're going into the water.

-Now Fraser takes the log out from the boathouse into the open river.

-Gurgle-gurgle.

-All right, Corporal?

-That's just the water gurgling against the sides, sir.

-I see.

-Gurgle-gurgle!

-I shall be looking through my periscope here.

Fraser's submerged, pushing the log.

-He has now reached the point opposite the windmill.

-Gurgle!

WARBLE

-That's the signal for the diversion. Wilson!

-Yes!

-I've warbled! Are you diverting?

-We're doing it behind the wall.

-I can't see you.

Of course. We're behind the wall!

-All right, start again!

-Gurgle-gurgle!

Fraser! Fraser!

-FRASER !

-He can't hear you, Mr Mainwaring.

-Well, give four pulls on his life-line.

-Thank you.

One, two, three, four.

Get him up, get him up!

-He don't half look a funny colour, Mr Mainwaring.

-What? Perhaps he hasn't got enough air. More air!

We're pumping as hard as we can!

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes.

-You're on the pipe, you stupid boy!

-Should we take off his helmet?

He'll get the bends in his head! No-one would tell the difference!

-Are you all right, Fraser? All right?

-He still can't hear you!

Right, he's all right! Come on!

-All right, Corporal?

-Okay, sir!

-Right.

Once more. Positions, everybody! This time we'll get it right.

What are you doing, you stupid boy?

Take up your positions. Ready?

Off we go... What do you want, warden?

-What's going on?

-That's no concern of yours. It's vital to the war effort.

-A bloke dressed up in a diving-suit pushing another bloke dressed as a log! Vital to the war effort?

-Yes.

If I hadn't seen it, I'd never have believed it! Gurgle-gurgle! >

-What's that?

-That's the water gurgling past.

Don't go away. Gerald's got to see this!

Gurgle-gurgle! >

Right, let's start again.

Here you are, Gerald. What did I tell you?

A bloke in a diving-suit, pushing another bloke dressed as a log!

Now call me a liar! Okay, here's your five bob. Are they on our side?

Get out!

-Any sign of Mainwaring's lot, Sgt?

-No, sir, nothing.

-It's only a quarter to. They start at 2 o'clock.

-I make it a quarter past, sir.

-What?

This damn thing must've stopped!

You know, sir, I don't see how that lot will get across that open ground.

Watch out for a lot of bushes. Part of their master plan, according to the verger.

-Do you think he's reliable, sir?

-Of course. He's my fifth column.

I've got him posted in a graveyard on a hill. I'll see if he's okay.

SNIPPING OF SHEARS

RING

Verger here.

-Not yet, Capt Square.

-Let me know as soon as anything moves.

-Sir.

-Right, a quick check before we go. Er, Jones?

-Sir.

-Got the bomb between your legs?

-Yes, quite comfy, thanks, sir.

Right. Put the glass in. That's it.

Right, start the pumps.

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes.

-Mr Fraser's just given four pulls on his life-line. That means he wants to come up.

He's already up, you silly boy!

Er...stop pumping!

Yes, sir.

-What's the matter, Fraser?

-I just want to scratch my nose.

Right, go on, hurry up!

-Is that enough?

-That's it.

-Good.

Right, start the pumps!

-Right. Ready, Jones?

-Yes, sir.

-Good luck.

-Good luck, sir.

-Right, lower him down onto the raft.

-Gurgle-gurgle! Gurgle-gurgle!

It won't go through, Mr Mainwaring.

Ohh, give it to me, you stupid boy! There you are.

Right...they've got to a place now level with the windmill.

-Take over the periscope, Pike.

-Sir.

-I'm going to sound the signal. Got it?

-Yes, sir.

-Right.

What are you doing?

WARBLE

I think they've started, sir.

Look. Over by that wall.

What the devil are they doing?

Left, right, left, right...

Why are they drilling? They ought to be attacking us!

-It's typical of Mainwaring's blimp mentality.

-Could be a trick, sir.

No, I can count 15 rifles! It's the whole platoon.

I can't get the door open! It's stuck! KNOCKING

I can't see! I can't see! I can't get the door open!

-Mr Mainwaring, Mr Jones has fallen in the water.

-What?

JONESIE GROANS

Left, right, left, right... About turn!

Why are they marching backwards!? Damn fishy! Better ring the verger.

Left, right, left, right... About turn!

Left...left... Lovely, isn't it? Left, right, left.

Left... About turn!

RING

-Verger here.

-What's going on behind that wall, verger?

-They've got a lot of rifles tied to poles!

Have you been drinking?

WARBLE-WARBLE Oh, dear! There's the signal for the second diversion! Where's Joe?

Charlie, haven't you started yet? I was waiting for you!

I was helping Mr Wilson with his diversion!

We put these tin hats on the sheep, then we take 'em up to the mill. Why?

Because they won't know whether it's us dressed up as sheep or not!

While they're figuring it out, Jonesie will be in the mill.

WOOFWOOF !

Oi! Clear off! Go on!

Clear off! I'll...

Clear off! Clear off...

Oh, no! All right, you win!

-Yes?

-Capt Square, sir, they're moving towards you dressed up as sheep with tin hats on!

Get off the line!

-Mr Jones has reached the mill.

-Right!

We'll go to the rendezvous, then move in for the kill.

Have you caught a dose of the dreaded bends? No!

Ah, there you are. Oh, hello, sir.

What are you doing? Er...bird-watching, Reverend.

I'd no idea you were keen on that!

RING

Hello. Vicar, Walmington-on-sea Parish Church... Just a moment.

It's for you, verger.

Beautiful day, don't you think?

DING-A-LING

-DING-A-LING Listen. Sounds like an alarm clock.

-Ah, it must be my Gold Hunter!

-Yes, it's started again!

-I thought it came from the back, sir.

-By Jove! I say, look over here!

By Jove, the verger WAS right! They ARE dressed up as sheep with tin hats on!

-How the devil did they manage it?

-Perhaps they're using midgets, sir.

WE'VE WON !

He's done it, sir! Hooray... ARGH !

Look, he's climbed on a sail! What did he do that for?

Come on, let's go and accept their surrender!

Help! Help, Mr Mainwaring.

-Help, Mr Mainwaring!

-Hold on, Jones. We'll have you down in a minute.

-I'm just going to accept their surrender.

-YES ?

-I've come to accept your surrender.

-What? We threw the bomb back!

-Don't split hairs. We won!

-We won!

-WE won!

-WE won!

Blimey, the sails are moving!

Whoa! Who-o-oa!

-I refuse to surrender!

-Excuse me, sir. The sails are moving.

-What?

-What are you going to do?

-I'll stick something in the machinery.

I'll be all right. Yes. Don't panic!

It didn't work.

I'm all right! Don't panic!

Subtitles by Judith Simpson BBC Scotland 1992