Boots, Boots, Boots Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

So, to sum up, whether we use bicycles, Jones's van, or any other form of vehicular transport...

..the whole thing boils down to one thing in the end - the three Fs.

Fast feet, functional feet and, last but not least, fit feet.

I've got here two diagrams issued by the Royal Army Medical Corps.

The first one...

..shows... what a good foot should be.

Er...take the first metatarsal, here...

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes?

-I am not formed as other men, sir.

-My foot's not the same as what's on that chart, sir.

-Blimey, don't tell me they're webbed?

-That'll do, Walker! How is your foot different, Jones?

-I haven't got a meta... I've got a big toe.

-Metatarsal is the medical term for toe, Jones.

-Thank you very much, sir.

First metatarsal, second, third, fourth and...

The little piggy that went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home.

-It's not really a laughing matter, Wilson.

-Well...

-Hold that for me.

-Right.

You see how perfect the line of the boot is. No pinching, no cramping.

In contrast to that I'm going to show you something rather nasty.

Show them your foot, Wilson.

-Beg pardon?

-Unroll your foot.

-I don't quite...

-Let them see the diagram.

-Why didn't you say so?

Now there you see what can happen in a badly fitting shoe.

So I'm going to check your boots and see that they fit properly. Right. First one.

Yes. That seems all RI...! All right.

Pike.

-Are my metatarsals fighting fit?

-Yes, very good, Pike.

-Very GOO...! Good indeed.

-Are you all right, sir?

-Yes, thank you, Sergeant.

Godfrey...oh!

Put your foot up, Godfrey. Higher than that.

OHHH !

-Get me a chair.

-Chair, Pike, please.

-Neither of us is getting any younger, are we, sir?

-Look to your front!

-That chair's to put your foot on, Godfrey.

-Oh, so sorry, sir.

-Yes, that seems all right. That should carry you a good 20 miles.

-Thank you for your confidence, sir.

-Foot up, Walker.

-My feet are fine.

-Foot up!

-I should know. I've had me feet for a long...

-Do as you're told.

You've got rather big feet. Never realised what big feet you had.

-You know what they say. Big feet, big...

-Big what?

Just an expression.

What's he talking about?

WHISPERING

Really?

His nose looks absolutely normal to me.

-Hello? Something strange here, Wilson.

-Oh?

-Very strange indeed.

-What's the meaning of that?

-More comfy.

-Government property, ruined!

-They're not the ones I was issued with. I've got 200 pairs in the stores.

-That'll do! See me after.

-Corporal ?

-Don't worry about my feet, sir. I've got pretty feet, very pretty feet.

When I was in India, my feet was the talk of the cantonment.

I was wandering one day through the bazaar down to the river when I noticed a young native woman.

She was doing a spot of dhobi-ing. I whipped off my socks and boots to wash my feet.

I heard her murmuring, "Sunda bahar, sunda bahar!" That means, "You have got pretty feet!"

Do you know, I noticed one thing about that young woman. Stripped to the waist she was!

-They do a lot of that...

-All right! They seem in tip-top condition.

-Yes, I always bathe them in tea.

-In tea?

-What a good idea! Indian or China?

-Don't be insolent, Godfrey!

Right. We've got work to do to get our feet up to scratch.

So starting from next weekend, we'll do a series of long route-marches.

# Boots, boots, boots, boots, Moving up and down again,

# There's no discharge in the war.

# Seven, six, eleven, five, Nine and twenty miles a day, Four, eleven, seventeen... #

Right, come on, quick as you can. Mark time in front.

Go on, the rest of you, mark time in front!

Right... Platoon, halt!

Well done, men. Well done, indeed. That's five miles yesterday, seven miles today.

Take off boots and prepare feet for inspection. Corporal Jones!

-Sir. Ohh!

-I'll inspect the men's feet in five minutes. Sergeant, come in the office.

-Of course.

Platoon, fall out!

-Ohh...!

-Good to get the weight off one's feet.

-I asked you to come in here, Wilson, because...

-Excuse me, sir. Could I sit down as well ?

-Why? Aren't you feeling well ?

-I feel fine, sir. Just a bit tired.

-Didn't you sleep well ?

-Not for the last two or three hours.

-Sit down if you must.

-Thank you, sir, thank you very much.

-Very good of you, sir.

-OK, Wilson.

-You and I have a position to uphold.

-Yes.

-I think I'm a shrewd judge of character.

-Of course, sir.

I know your character pretty well. You're not the brash, extrovert type who's always shouting.

-You handle the men quietly and subtly.

-Thank you, sir. Yes. Thank you.

I've also got the feeling you're a shy and sensitive man.

-I never do anything to embarrass you in front of the men, or show you up.

-Thank you very much.

And so I'm not going to ask you to have your feet inspected with the rest of the men.

That's very kind of you, sir.

So before we go and inspect the men's feet, I'll look at yours here.

You don't have to inspect my feet, sir. They're perfectly all right.

-I've no doubt they are. But I have to be sure, haven't I ?

-Of course. Yes.

-Take off your boots.

We...

Oh, come on, Wilson! It's only me.

-Now, look.

-Yes.

-We can't have one rule for some, and another rule for others.

Yes, quite. In that case, who is going to inspect YOUR feet, sir?

Ahem... Yes...

I see your point.

Look here.

If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

All right.

-COMPLAINING LOUDLY

-Don't make a fuss! It's Captain Mainwaring's orders.

Jump to it, and I'll get him.

Oh, sorry, Sarge!

I didn't know it was private, sir.

-The platoon's ready, sir. Ready for inspection.

-Oh, right.

We've got to grin and bear it. Foot-salve, 6d a time. None of that rubbish!

You haven't tried it yet. Can I have some?

Now, then. If you don't like it, you don't have to buy it.

That's better already, isn't it?

There you are. What about you, Taffy?

Well... It's ever so soothing, Mr Fraser. Carry on, Joe.

LAUGHING > You won't regret this.

As long as I don't...

As long as I don't have to pay.

Don't worry. I bet that feels better.

Yeah, not bad. Not bad, not bad at all.

Right. Platoon...platoon...

..'shun!

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes.

-I volunteer to be the first to have his feet inspected.

-Very well.

-Down you get.

-Thank you, sir, thank you, sir. Right, sir.

I'm prepared, sir.

Ooo-aa-eee!

-Very good reflexes, Corporal.

-Thank you, sir.

Yes, very good.

One or two blisters there.

INAUDIBLE

Very good, yes, very good!

Well, we've got a lot of work to do.

As from tomorrow, we'll embark on feet-hardening.

Some of us are not so young. We'll put a bold fa...

WHISTLE

# I came, I saw, I conga-ed, I came, I saw, I conga-ed, It's plain to see you conquered me.

# Each time I shake a shoulder, I get a little bolder, A dance like this deserves a kiss.

# My sweet muchacha, When I got-cha in my arms,

# The Cuban cha-cha Adds so much-a to your charms,

# The bongo speaks the rhythm, The bongo speaks the rhythm... #

Get set...

# I came, I saw, I conga-ed, I came, I saw, I conga-ed,

# I - I conga-ed, I - I conga-ed... #

Platoon, 'shun!

Slope arms!

By the left, quick march! Left...left...left, right, left!

Pick those feet up! Pick them up! About...TURN !

-Left, right, left, right...

-Having a nice paddle?

Ignore him, men.

If the Nazis invade now, you can meet 'em half-way!

Left...left...left, right, left!

Watch out for the great big...

That's it!

# If I had a talking picture of you...

# I would run it every time I felt blue... #

"Left...left...left, right, left! Left...left...left, right, left!

-"Left...left..."

-Mum!

-"Left, right, left!

-"Left...left...left, right, left!"

-Mu-um!

-"Left...left...left, right, left!"

-Mu-um!

-"Left...left..."

-Mu-um!

-"Left, right, left!"

-"LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT !"

-AAAARGH !

MUM ! MU-UM !

Frank, what on earth's the matter?

Look - me feet! Nothing wrong with your feet.

I-I was having a nightmare, Mum. Ohh...!

I dreamt we were marching, and me feet were all swollen. Oh, never mind.

It's all over now. You can go back to sleep.

It's all that marching you've been doing.

I'll speak to Captain Mainwaring tomorrow. He's making our feet tough.

Your feet won't stand it. You've had sensitive feet ever since you were a child.

Runs in the family. Your Uncle George had such sensitive feet he didn't know where to put 'em!

Would you like a hot drink? No, thanks, Mum. All right, then.

MU-UM !

Frank?

Goodnight. 'Night, Frank.

MU-UM !

Frank?

Can I have a drink of water, please?

All right, Frank. I'll leave the light on.

MU-UM !

Frank !?

Kitchen water, not bathroom water. All right, Frank (!)

# You don't have to tell me, I know... #

Oh, blimey! Another route-march on Sunday.

-Twenty miles? Ridiculous!

-It'll kill us, you know.

-I can't take any more.

I'll have this out with the captain.

Mum, I feel such a fool ! I can't help that. Evening!

-Hello, Mavis.

-I want to speak to the captain.

-He's not here.

-Have you seen Frank's feet?

-Not recently.

-They're in a state! He woke up screaming in the night.

-I didn't hear him.

-(Arthur!)

-Sorry.

Mum, Uncle Arthur lives miles away. How could he hear me in the night?

Never you mind! Stand over there!

-Listen, Arthur.

-Yes?

-Tell the captain Frank's not going on any more marches.

-I can't do that.

Well, if you don't, and Frank wakes up in the night again... (you won't be there to hear it!)

DOOR SLAMS

-Uncle Arthur.

-Yes?

-I've got an idea.

-I'm delighted (!)

-If Mr Mainwaring's feet hurt...

-Yes?

-..he can't go on the route march.

-No, he wouldn't be able to.

We get boots like Mr Mainwaring's, only a size smaller, and swap them over.

What a good idea! Very clever indeed! I bet nobody has EVER thought of an idea like that!

All we do is get boots the same as Mr Mainwaring's only smaller, and swap them over.

-No, he'd tumble it.

-If we make 'em look worn, he'll never know the difference.

Awfully clever! I bet no-one's EVER thought of an idea like that.

# Sand in my shoes... Sand from Havana... #

Hey! Listen, let me do the talking.

Charlie, when I give you a signal, say you want a glass of water. Water? All right.

This is going to cost us a fortune.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. My friend wants brown boots.

Not black boots? Brown boots are for officers. He's going to be an officer.

-Yes, I'm going to be an officer.

-You've got experience! What size?

I shall probably be a big officer.

-What size of BOOTS, you fool !

-I'd like size eight, please. Thank you.

-Mr Mainwaring gets his boots here?

-That's right. He'd like a pair like his.

-Yes, like Mr Mainwaring's.

Very well. How much is this going to cost? 36 shillings the pair.

Nine shillings each !? Induce him to find something cheaper.

There we are.

You don't look well, Mr Godfrey. You'd better sit down. He's a bit pale.

-Could I have a glass of water?

-A glass of water?

Yes, yes, I'll get one. Oh, thank you.

-(Quick! Swap these for a half-size smaller than Mr Mainwaring's.)

-Right.

Hold it!

All right, all right.

-I've forgotten. What size DOES he take?

-Size... Blimey! D'you know, Taffy?

How should I know? Charlie? What?

Never mind! When he brings water, drink it fast and ask for another.

There you are, sir. I'm sorry you're not feeling well.

Oh...thank you.

That wisnae enough, Godfrey! Could I have another one?

Oh! Certainly.

-(Well done, Charlie!)

-You didn't ask the size of Mr Mainwaring's boots.

-I didn't have time.

When he brings the glass, drink it and ask for another. I couldn't drink another.

Force yourself! And YOU ask the size of Mr Mainwaring's boots. Right, Joe.

I thought I'd bring plenty.

Er...he'd like another one.

I'll help you. By the way...

What size of boots does Mr Mainwaring take? Very small - 6½.

Why? He'd like some more.

Careful, you're spilling it!

Joe, you're dicing with death, filling the man up like this!

-I-I...that's enough, thank you. Jonesie!

-What?

-Like a drop of water?

-Oh, yes. Thanks very much. Used to work in the Sudan. Can't get enough water.

When he was in the Sudan, he nearly died of thirst. Oh, dear!

I nearly died of thirst in the Sudan, nearly died of it.

They've finished it! Seeing them drinking has made me thirsty. Any more?

Good!

< Swap these for a size six. < Six, six!

-Come on, Jonesie!

-Don't panic!

Size six. I know, I know. Wait a minute...

Did you get size six? > I think you ought to...

-Here you are.

-Well done!

Well...!

Wh-what's happened? We thought we saw a mouse.

More of a mouse than anything.

Right, we'll take these. Doesn't he want to try them on? No, he's sensitive about his toes.

-Why's that? He had them tortured in the Sudan.

-Yes, terrible toe-torturers!

Right, pay the man, Taffy. Jonesie...

Give him his 36 bob. 36 shillings for a pair of boots is highway robbery!

Thank you. Bye! Wait! What about coupons?

Blimey! Hang on! How many? Where did you get all those ?! I've got a big family.

Before we go, could I be excused a moment?

No time, no time!

That's funny, I've never seen any mice in here.

# Sand in my shoes, Sand from Havana... #

-Oh! Good afternoon, gentlemen.

-Afternoon. I'd like to get a pair of brown boots for this young man.

-Brown, eh? Is he going to be an officer as well ?

-What?

-Only officers wear brown boots.

-Yes. That's right, yes. He's going to be an officer as well.

-Bit young for an officer.

-He's frightfully keen.

-You're a proud father!

-I don't follow you.

-Your son, becoming an officer.

-Well, he's...er, he's...

-He's not my son, you see.

-I could have sworn there was...

-Would you mind going away and getting the boots?

-Sorry! What size does the young man take?

-What size, hm? What?

-Nines.

-Nine.

-Please.

I want the same sort as Mr Mainwaring. Don't they all (?)

-There you are.

-Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

Will one glass be sufficient?

What?

-Water. You're feeling faint.

-Very clever! How did you guess?

-I'll get you one.

-Right.

Frank, quick as you can. Change these into a size six, please. Hurry!

-There's no sixes here, Uncle.

-What? Try higher up. Go on! Don't make such a noise.

Quick as you can.

Come on, Frank!

Seven...eight... ten...eight...

There's no sixes, Uncle!

Try higher up, then.

Mum'll have a fit when she finds out you sent me up so high. I get terrible verdigris!

All right, Frank, all right! That's enough! I think I've got a size six here. Come down now.

-You nearly did me a very nasty injury.

-Sorry!

-Come and sit down.

-Oh. There!

-Thank you so much.

-We saw a mouse, you know.

-It's all right, I brought the cat.

-That's a good job, anyway.

-What?

-Good job Mrs Mainwaring makes him sleep in the air-raid shelter.

-Made it easier for you to change the boots.

-Nearly took me head off!

-Did you change the boots, Uncle?

-Keep your voice down.

-Did you?

-Yes.

Morning, men.

-Fall them in, Sergeant. I'm going to get the map.

-Right, sir.

Fall in, please!

-KNOCKING

-Come in.

-Good morning, Mr Mainwaring.

-Morning.

-I've brought those boots you left for repair last week.

-Thank you.

-I thought you said I'd have to wait a month.

-I found a bit of leather. YOU sent me all those customers.

Really?

I think I'll change into these. These are pinching me a bit.

-I'll put them on your account.

-Right.

-I give him half a mile before he has to pack it up.

-I'll give him a mile.

-No, he'll never do a mile.

-He will.

-Ten bob?

-You're on!

That's better!

Platoon, attention!

Now, men, 20 miles is a long march, but if I can do it, so can you.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

-As long as you keep going, sir, we'll be right behind you.

-Excellent!

-Right! Platoon will move to the left in threes. Left turn!

-THUD OF FEET >

-Let's start off with a merry heart. Corporal Jones.

-Sir!

-Lead off in single file.

With a merry heart, quick march!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media