Sgt - Save My Boy! Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game.

# We are the boys who will make you think again.

# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

Now, pay attention, everyone.

We're in the scouts' dressing room because the vicar is holding some function or other in the main hall.

Now, I want to review the disposition of our troops

in the broader...

-I'm so sorry.

-Quite all right.

broader strategical picture as it now is.

-Or, where should Jonesy stick his bayonet?

-That'll do, Walker.

Now, Hitler is across the channel, here,

licking the wounds we inflicted at Dunkirk.

Still, he is desperate and dangerous.

More so, now he's enmeshed with our ally, the Russian bear.

-I thought they were communists.

-We won't go into that now, Godfrey.

-Under stress, we can't pick our bedfellows.

-As Crusoe said of Friday.

Now, we are standing, shoulder to shoulder here, on the shores of dear old blighty.

In the middle, Jack Tar is ruling the waves.

In the skies above us are...

-The Brylcreem Boys!

-The Bryl... That's enough from you, Walker!

Now, as I was saying...

-You're late on parade, Pike.

-Sorry, Sir.

There's too much laxity going on.

-What did he say?

-There's too much laxity.

Funny thing to give a lecture on.

-Well, Pike?

-Mum made me tidy my room before my tea.

-Come without tea.

-She won't let me.

-I take a serious view of this absence without leave. Take his name.

-Yes, Sir. Yes.

Now, as I say, the enemy is here, with his phalanxes, and...

-Sergeant, did you take his name?

-Yes, Sir. Yes.

-I didn't see you note it.

-I KNOW it.

-I told you to take his name down in case you forget it.

-Unlikely. I HAVE known him for 19 years.

-I suggested you put it down, so you won't forget you've taken it. Is that clear?

-Yes, Sir, yes.

-Right.

-He isn't clear to me.

Now, as...

-What's this?

-I'm tying a knot.

-Why?

To remind me to take Pike's name.

-Can't you write?

-I've no paper.

-Haven't you the initiative to borrow some?

-Well...

-Anyone?

ALL: No, no, no. FRAZER: You wanted empty pockets. Only rank, name and number.

-In case of capture.

-We don't want to show any intelligence.

Some of us haven't got too much to show.

-All right, Corporal...

-Don't start!

-Sit down!

-See me after Parade.

-It's only a joke.

-War is no joke.

-What was I saying?

-Stick it! On the board.

-Stick what on the board?

-Pike's name!

-Good idea!

-Do that.

-Where's the chalk?

-I've no idea.

-You HAD it.

-I haven't now.

-It's there.

-Thank-you, Jonesy. How kind!

Thank-you.

I find that humiliating.

What does it matter? I'll tell Mum. She'll fix him.

Now...

Hitler and his lackey, Mussolini,

are here, across the Channel.

We are guarding our strong points,

Stones Amusement Arcade here,

the Novelty Rock Emporium here,

with our Advanced Headquarters here, in the middle, at the Marigold Tea Rooms.

Now, we have a serious tactical point.

It's on the cards that Adolf has these places very well taped.

He's been here for a while, with air reconnaissance, photographs, espionage reports and so on.

He could observe our comings and goings. What do we do about that?

Don't go so often.

You're very tedious, Walker.

In the Sudan, we used a little wrinkle.

When the fuzzy-wuzzies found our HQ, we had to go to an elsewhere.

When they came at us where we wasn't, we fired from where we was.

-Then we used the cold steel. They didn't like that...

-No, I...

-Thank-you.

-I haven't finished yet.

-You've made your point. Thank-you.

Doesn't let you finish. Shame.

Right. Now then.

So, if Hitler thinks that we are here, or here,

as from tonight, we are, in fact, going to be...here.

-Now what is that?

-A box with a dunce's cap on.

No! Harris Orphanage Holiday Home Hut.

Quite right, Walker. The Harris Orphans Holiday Home Hut.

It has good strategic position. Good observation and an all-round field of fire.

-And 3 dozen screaming kids.

-No, they were removed after Dunkirk.

They wore little blue aprons, and little straw hats and made sand-castles. I wanted to join them.

-That's the place, Godfrey, now...

-They had cream buns for tea once. They really tucked in!

I'd forgotten about cream buns!

Remember they used to fill the buns while you waited?

I always licked the sugar off before it went up my nose.

Used to make you sneeze. It was very difficult...

-ANIMATED CONVERSATIONS

-Be quiet, everybody!

-I'm so sorry. Beg your pardon.

-Can we get back to tactics?

-So sorry, Sir.

-Right.

Now, if Hitler attacks us here, or here,

we'll give him everything from here.

-The Harris Orphans Holiday Home

-ALL: Hut!

-Frazer.

-Sir.

Platoon! Platoon, 'shun!

-All right, as you were.

-As you WERE!

Come on, Godfrey. As you were, at the double. Sit down, as the officer said.

-Isn't Sergeant Wilson in charge?

-Yes.

-Where is he?

-He got a little bit drowsy so I suggested forty winks.

-Forty...!

But he should be awake and alert!

-I know that, Sir, but I... Well, you know, I said I'd waken him when the invasion started.

-Oh!

-Wilson! Wilson!

-Give it a rest, Mavis.

-Wilson! Wake up!

-I'm so sorry, Sir. I do beg your pardon, Sir. Is anything...wrong?

-Hmm?

-Come outside.

-Right, Sir.

Now, Wilson... WILSON!

-Come outside!

-Sorry, my boots...

-I gave you an order!

-Of course, Sir.

-Follow me!

-I will, Sir, yes.

Yes, Sir? Yes?

-Where's your hat?

-Here, Sir. Here.

-Well, put it on.

-Right, Sir.

Sorry, Sir, would you mind holding that?

Terribly difficult to do this without a mirror. Awfully. Is that...nice?

-Never mind! You should set an example!

-Yes, Sir.

You're fast asleep during an alert.

Nothing very much was happening so I thought I'd have a little nap.

I've had so many disturbed nights what with air raids and things.

I'm not interested in your excuses,

if excuses they be.

You must pull yourself together, Wilson.

If THEY can stay awake, you must too. Or else stand down for someone who can.

-Sir, if you're dissatisfied with my...

-That's all, Sergeant.

-Oh...!

-Any sign of them, Frazer?

-Of course not.

No Christian soul would venture out on a black night like this.

It's too dark for a randy tom cat.

Even so, keep a sharp look out.

Will there be a cup of tea on the way to help clear my eyesight?

-Yes. Pike's on the way.

-Good.

-Any chance of a cup of char?

-Yes, Pike's on the way.

Pay attention a minute, will you?

Sergeant Wilson tells me he can't put his hat on without a mirror.

I'll give you an invaluable little wrinkle.

-Lend me your cap, Wilson.

-Right.

Thank...(!)

Put it on roughly at first. So.

Then take the forefinger, and push it up your nose.

Up the outside, of course.

Now you'll feel buttons, you see,

with the finger. And align the hat thus, you see?

Then put it on one side, as usual, and there you are!

So, even without a mirror, there's no excuse for us not looking good.

-Arthur! It's SO dark! I'm sure someone followed me!

-Hardly likely, Mavis.

Not everyone finds me unattractive.

I didn't mean that. What with the blackout, you look just as nice as anyone else, I mean...

Frank forgot your biscuits. Where is he?

Not here yet. He left BEFORE me, with the flask!

-What's happened?

-I don't know!

-He's only a baby.

-I know he is.

-Perhaps the prowler's got him.

-Perhaps he IS the prowler.

-Walker!

Don't worry. I expect he's lost.

He's probably with a lady-follower.

-I did that when I was a young rip. In the spring the maidens get lustful...

-All right!

-Something's happened! Arthur!

-All right, Mavis.

-< Sssh a minute!

-Heavens!

-What was that?

-What is it, Frazer?

-I thought I heard a faint cry.

< (He-e-elp! He-e-e-elp!)

It's from the water's edge! < He-elp! He-elp!

-Quiet! Absolutely quiet, please!

-< He-elp!

-That's Pike.

-Oooh, Arthur!

-All right, Mavis.

-Are you all right, Pike?

My leg hurts! I'm caught in the wire!

Stupid boy. Why's he out there?

­ I expect he missed the bathers' gap.

-Arthur, don't leave him in agony! Go and get him!

-All right, Mavis.

Would one of you mind... helping me over the wire?

I wouldn't try that, Sergeant. Ten paces and you'll be in smithereens.

-The mines!

-He's in the minefield! Arthur!

-All right. Sergeant, phone the engineer. We need a path cleared.

-Right, sir.

­ It's a miracle he got there safely.

-Permission to give young Pike a few words of encouragement, Sir?

-Yes, of course.

Hoi! Pikey! Cheer up, boy!

Don't you move a muscle or you'll be blown to Kingdom Come!

­ He must be cold and wet out there. His delicate chest! You don't care enough, Mr Mainwaring!

I'm waging war, Mrs Pike... not running a clinic.

-Well, Wilson?

-I'm just through.

It's most terribly kind of you, but if you could get here a teeny weeny bit sooner,

-we'd be most awfully grateful. Thank-you so much. Goodbye.

-Well?

There's trouble with a landmine. They'll be about three hours.

-Three hours!

-Yes.

-He can wait. Too bad. He'll learn to be careful next time.

-He'll drown.

-What?

-Eh?

He'll drown. The tide's coming in fast.

Blimey! The tide covers the wire!

Arthur! Save him! He's got all his life before him!

All right, but just let me think. For one moment.

-While you're thinking, the water's rising. He can't swim! I'll get him!

-No! Mavis!

-Mrs Pike! Stop!

-No! Stop! Come back!

-Keep calm! Pikey boy, your mother's coming!

-Be quiet! Be quiet!

­ Wait! Why don't we get a boat and we can rescue him by sea?

­ The nearest's at Salthaven.

-By the time we rowed back, the boy'd be drowned a whole hour. Oooh, Arthur!

-Frazer, a little tact!

-Did anyone see this minefield laid?

-I did.

It made a crazy pattern. Come in and I'll show you.

I'll use these shells.

-The orphans collected them. They're pretty. You can hear the sea.

-Yes, yes, Godfrey.

The mines were laid in rows of about five.

And they were laid about five yards apart in a pattern like that.

-You see, Sir.

-Yes, I do.

-So, if Pike's here...

-Aye.

-There's a clear path through here.

If that's wrong, we step on five.

I think I read that the done thing is to prod the ground, you know? To feel for the mine...

-Prod it.

-Yes.

-Feel.

-Yes.

-And prod.

-Yes.

-And feel.

-Yes.

-And...

-Yes. Good thinking.

Why don't we prod with the bayonet and if we feel one we can detour?

-There's scaffolding and wire!

-For tanks.

-We must cut the wire.

-I've got cutters in my shed.

-Good. Go on.

-We must start now clearing a path. We'll mark a route for you.

-Right.

-We could use these flags.

-Ideal. Go on!

-Right.

-The orphans put them on sandcastles. Very gay.

-Yes.

I know I don't need to ask for volunteers. Follow me!

-Keep as close as you can.

-Aye.

-Arthur, not you!

-What is it?

-Don't you go!

-What?

-I can't lose you both! Let the others do it.

-There are some things one has to do or else one isn't a man, is one?

-You've always managed.

-Please (!)

Oh, dear. HE-E-ELP!

All right, Pike! We're coming!

We may have to carry him out, so we'll clear a path for two.

Captain Mainwaring, I volunteer to clear a path for two.

-Later, Jones.

-Let me prod, Sir.

-Sergeant Wilson and I will lead.

-Sergeant Wilson!

-Just coming, Sir. Had to have a little...chat with Mrs Pike.

This is no time for that.

-Sergeant Wilson and I will lead. You, Corporal, will mark the route.

-Yes, Sir!

-Not now!

-No! Wait!

-Godfrey and Frazer in the rear. Godfrey?

-He's not here.

-I don't understand!

No(?) Seems crystal clear to me.

-What d'you mean?

-First whiff of danger and he's off like a scared weasel.

-You've no call to speak like that.

-Well, he's not here, is he?

Begging my pardon, Sir, Private Godfrey is often missing on account of he has to go hrp-hrp-hrp-hrp.

-He has to do what?

-He gets taken short, Sir.

-Oh, yes! He'll follow.

Right. Give me the torch, Wilson.

-I haven't got the torch, Sir.

-I told you to bring it.

The word 'torch' never passed your lips.

-You know you're responsible for it!

-We've been through this...

-What are you doing?

Well done.

-You shine it, Frazer.

-Aye.

-Grab a bayonet. I'll take this one.

-What are you doing, Corporal?

-You touched my bayonet, Sir!

-I'm only borrowing it, man!

-Sorry, Sir. Reflex action.

-Years of sleeping in the bush veldt.

-Pull yourself together.

-Right. Here we go. Good luck.

-Yes. Good luck.

-Now, Wilson?

-Yes?

-Make quite sure there's nothing in front of you before you advance.

-Follow?

-I do, Sir. I certainly will.

-It's pretty soft here.

-Yes.

Feels all right.

Yes, it is all right.

-Wilson, there's no need to prod every inch.

-I...

-They're at least eight inches apart.

I know. But one can't be too careful.

Right. Come on. Move on.

-I think it's all right!

-Permission to speak?

-Yes.

If it wasn't all right, we'd know by now.

-Thank-you(!) Better mark the route.

-Right.

-Pass me a flag.

-Here's one.

Can't possibly use that one.

We'll have a French one. They're fairly reliable.

-Right, prod on, Wilson.

-Right.

Who's there? Only me, Mrs P.

Ooh, I thought you were the prowler. Better luck next time!

Where are they? Down there I think.

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes?

-Hurry up! The tide's coming in.

-We'll be as quick as we can.

Sir, I think... I think I've found something.

-Does it feel like a mine?

-It's a little difficult to know, Sir.

-Is it hard?

-One hardly likes to overplay one's hand to find out.

-Let me try.

-Right, you feel it.

-There's something there.

-Yes!

-Clear the sand away.

-Right.

Wilson!

There's a boy who will drown. Clear the sand! Oh, for heaven's sake(!)

All right, sir? What is it? What's that?

"A Handbook of Field Engineering and Mine Warfare"

-What does that mean?

-"How To Lay A Minefield" God(!)

Blimey. Halt! Who goes there? Friend or German?

GODFREY: It's only me.

How did you get here? Well, the same way as you did.

I've brought you a pair of water wings, in case they take a while.

But you can't swim! I've got two lots of water wings.

And a blanket, in case you were cold.

Thanks. Mum hates if I catch a chill.

I think I'd better start blowing these up, don't you? Yes.

-Right, Jones.

-Mr Mainwaring? >

-Yes. We're here, Walker.

-Right. >

-Here!

-Yes?

-I expect poor Pikey's getting a bit anxious.

-Yes, I expect he is.

It's all right, Pikey boy! We're coming!

-Please! My nerves won't stand it!

-I was only giving him some encouragement.

Well don't. Just keep quiet.

-Hello? I've found something.

-And here, Sir.

There? They must be closer, Frazer.

It could be a stone, Sir.

Wait a minute. Let's clear this. See if we can lift it out.

Ooh, wait a minute, Sir!

You better be careful, Sir. Some of them have booby trap devices for trapping boobies.

Oh, do shut up, Jones.

It's metal all right. Not very big.

-I've got the clippers. What's up?

-If I open my mouth he says shut it.

-It's a mine.

-Can't we avoid it?

-There's another here.

-Watch for booby traps. If you touch the wire...

-Yes!

-We know!

-Walker, please!

-There's writing.

-Is there?

Mmm... Moc-law-ot-ebickue.

Must be Russian.

-They're on our side.

-These ARE our mines.

-Of course! It's so confusing!

Come on. Let us get past. Let's have a look.

"Welcome to Walmington"(?)

It's a kid's bucket (!)

Very similar in shape.

Evening, Mrs Pike. Where's Napoleon? Down there, saving my boy.

Flashing a light? There's a raid on!

-He'll have the Jerries here. PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!

-Mind your own business!

-This is a military emergency.

-Anything you touch is! Hooligan! Ten to one he blows himself up!

Oooh! Your boy'll be fine. Don't worry.

-Nearly there, Pike. Stay there.

-Yes, stay there.

I can't do much else, Uncle, Sergeant. I've got wire stuck in my bum!

Don't be coarse, Pike.

Pass me those...

-cutters, will you?

-There, Sir.

-I volunteer to clip, Sir. I vol...

-Shut up! I'm sick of your voice!

-I've never known him like this.

-He's worried, you fool!

-Why? Has he got trouble at home?

-Right, we're there, Pike.

-Could you cut the bit in my you-know-what first?

SNIP Oh! What a relief, Mr Mainwaring!

SNIPPING

-Right, d'you think you can...

-SNIP

-crawl out after us now?

-I'll try, but my ankle's hurting.

We need a blanket for dragging him.

Would you care for a cup of tea before you start back?

-Godfrey! How did you get there?

-Through the bathing gap. To keep him company.

-You could have been blown up!

-Maybe. Sorry, there's no sugar. But I've brought a blanket.

You were very foolish, Godfrey. And damned brave.

A man of steel, just like I always said.

-The water's getting awfully close.

-Taffy, you shine the light. Sergeant Wilson and I will drag him out.

Right.

Spread the weight in case of a deep one.

I'll prod in case you've missed one.

Right, son, here we go. 1 - 2 - 3 - HEAVE! Oooh!

I'll be glad of me Mum's poultice! HEAVE!

It was stuck right in... HEAVE!

it was rusty and all! HEAVE!

-It'd be a pity to die of lock-jaw after all your trouble.

-Be quiet!

-I think I've struck something, Sir.

-Let me through.

-Right, Sir.

-Let's see.

-Hey-ey!

-All right.

-Oh, forgot. Sorry, Sir.

There's something there all right.

Well? You praying to Mecca(?)

Stand still. It's very dangerous.

He laid the mines. It's all clear 'ere. Yes. All clear 'ere. Em, here.

No, no mines here. What a fool you look, poking with your little bayonet!

Actually, the mines stop 200 yards up the beach!

Yes? Well, in that case, what's this?

Cor blimey! It's a mine! You're a right one!

-All right, everybody, stay still.

-Don't panic! Don't PANIC!

-Jones!

-You got me into this! Get me out!

Stand still! Nobody move an inch!

What do you suggest we do next(?)

Well, er...could you lend me your bayonet?

MUSIC: "Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Hitler?"