Don't Fence Me In Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

Yes, I realise that, sir.

I can't ask my men to do a thing like that. They're front-line fighting troops.

They can't wait to have a go at Jerry.

-Just a moment. Wilson, don't rustle that paper when I'm on the telephone.

-Sorry, sir.

Sorry about that, sir. I will ask them but they won't like it.

-Very well.

-Everything all right?

-No, we're being taken off active duty for the next two weekends.

-Good. We'll have some free time.

-No, we'll be guarding a POW camp.

The regular guards haven't had any leave for months.

-At last, we'll come face to face with some Nazis.

-They're not Nazis, Wilson, they're Italians.

If Hitler kicks off during the next two weekends, we shan't be here to stop him.

We shall be playing nursemaid to comic opera soldiers.

# Give me land, lots of land, Under starry skies above, Don't fence me in. #

Platoon, halt!

Left turn.

Stand at ease. Stand easy.

The prisoner of war camp is just round the corner.

There are 60 Italian POWs in there. They'll be a sloppy bunch.

When we march through those gates, I want them to see what smart British soldiers look like.

Understood?

Now, don't forget, chests out, chins in, marching smartly to attention.

Squad, atten-shun!

Slope arms.

Right turn.

By the left, quick march.

Left...left...left, right, left.

Left...left.

Platoon, halt.

Do you think this is the place, Wilson?

Mm? Well, I suppose it's quite possible.

-Better fall the men out.

-Yes, sir. Would you mind falling out, please, all of you?

This is absurd. Whoever heard of a POW camp without guards?

-There's nobody up there, is there?

-Not unless he's kneeling.

-Watch it.

-Try ringing the front doorbell, sir.

-Don't talk nonsense. POW camps don't have doorbells.

-Hit that tin thing. Somebody might hear.

-Ah.

Ridiculous!

Anyone there? Is anybody there?

-I say!

-I don't like the look of this. It's just like Beau Geste.

When the relief column got to the fort in the desert

the walls were lined with Legionnaires and they were all dead.

The captain shouted, "Is anybody there?" and got shot.

Stupid boy!

That was bow legs, not Beau Geste.

Somebody's coming out of that hut.

Hey, you!

He's ignoring me! Hey!

Hey, you! Yes, you. Come here.

-Now, what's going on here?

-Huh?

This looks very fishy. Who is in charge?

Who...is...in...ch...? Anybody here speak Italian?

I do a little, sir. Che gelida manina.

-What did you say to him, Godfrey?

-Your tiny hand is frozen.

-Why did you say that?

-It's all the Italian I know. I like opera.

This is ridiculous. Open!

Open!

Ah, si, si.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this, Wilson.

Make sure that man doesn't escape!

GRAMOPHONE PLAYS "O Cara Mia"

What are you doing?

Buongiorno!

-Who on earth are you?

-Io? Mi chiamo Franco Bruno Otelo Monteverdi.

-Never mind all that. Don't you know that you should stand when an officer comes in?

-Perche?

You are only a capitano. You should stand up for me. I am a generale.

-A general?

-Generale Franco Bruno Otelo...

-Don't start that again.

-Where are the guards?

-They go.

-Go?

-Yes, for a little holiday. The Polish capitanos left for you un piccolo biglietto. Ecco.

See what it says.

Right, sir.

"Forgive, please. We catch the 1:30 train to London. Otherwise we miss our end week leave."

-Sounds nice, "End week leave."

-Get on with it!

"The Italian prisoners are quite tame and they work on the farms in the week. Back Sunday 2000 hours."

-That's...eight o'clock.

-Yes, I know. Who signed it?

-Captain Shodski, Free Polish Forces.

-With foreigners looking after each other, this is what happens!

-Yes, quite, sir.

-It's outrageous. I'm going to report this Shodski to GHQ. Have you got a telephone?

Si, telefono. Is in the guard room. Non vi preoccupare.

I've looked after everything very good until you have arrived.

-You're a prisoner of war! We're enemies.

-No, it's not true. Siamo amici. We are friends, capitano.

I have refused to fight against the Inglesi.

Capitano, when I was in Africa, in the deserto, I surrendered.

Personal feelings are irrelevant. You're a prisoner of war.

I represent HM Government. From now on, I will run this camp properly.

-Shall I fall the men out, sir?

-Yes, carry on, corporal.

-Sir.

Hey, Joe! How are you?

-Knock it off. You don't know me.

-No, you are my big friend!

-What's going on here?

-That's the continental method, sir.

-Do you know this man?

-Which one? Oh, him. I've never seen him before.

No, I have never seen him before in his life.

-It all looks very queer to me.

-Yes.

I've had enough of this foreign nonsense. From now on, this place will be run according to the book.

What are these men doing in bed?

-They are in a bed for the siesta.

-Sie...? We'll soon see about that! On your feet, all of you!

-Get up!

-Quick as you can, if you please.

-Get Pike, Godfrey and Walker.

-Come on!

-Please, capitano!

Don't wake them. They have worked very hard all week on the farms.

I've been working very hard all week in my bank. You don't catch me spending my leisure hours in bed.

-I'm up defending my country.

-They would defend their country but it's too far away.

-Poppycock!

-Come on!

-Sergente, can you not stop him?

-Get your hands off my sergeant.

This is a shambles.

Why aren't these men wearing POW uniforms?

They are very proud men. They like to wear their own uniform, molto elegante. Look how much more smart.

Left, right, left, right, left, right. Squad, halt.

Right turn.

All present men are correct, sir.

Thank you, corporal. General, that is what real soldiers look like.

Capitano, I keep telling you, we don't want to look like real soldiers. We are not enemies.

Until I receive orders to the contrary, we ARE enemies. You'd better do something about it.

-Capitano, you are very hard man.

-I have to be. Otherwise we'd all be under the Nazi jackboot by now.

Frazer, Pike, Godfrey, Walker, get the rest of the men on the parade ground at the double.

Right turn. At the double, quick march. Left, right.

-Signore.

-No, grazie. Capitano, ti piace un pomodoro?

Don't be disgusting!

-Now, corporal.

-Sir?

-Get these men on to the parade ground and count them. There should be 60.

-Very good, sir.

-Come on then, on the move now.

-Come on, on the move. On the...

Oh, it's like that, is it? Right!

COME ON! On the move! Come on then. Come on out! Hup! Hup! Hup!

That's the only language they understand, sir. They don't like it up 'em, sir.

-That's the stuff, corporal. Carry on.

-Come on now, boys.

-Excellent, don't you think?

-Indeed.

-Capitano, you are very cruel man.

You don't think I'm enjoying this?

-Corporal!

-Sir?

-Line 'em up in threes and count them.

-Very good.

-Corporal Jones will soon tell us if any are missing.

-They look rather alike to me.

-No, it's the Chinese that look all alike, like Chinese.

-Sir, these look alike, like Italians.

JONES AND FRAZER COUNT POWs

JONES: Why don't you shut up? I can't do it properly.

FRAZER: Can I help it if you're illiterate? I've counted them. They're all there.

JONES: I can't help that. I have to start again.

-Corporal!

-I've only got as far as four, sir.

-Never mind. Stop counting. Give them some drill.

-Very good, sir.

Now you'll see a first-class British NCO in action. He'll soon lick some shape into your chaps.

Squad, atten-SHUN. FEET THUD

Quick march! NO MOVEMENT

Quick... Oh, soldati avante!

MEN MARCH Left, right, left, right.

Squad, halt! MARCHING CONTINUES

Oh, my God! RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

Mr Mainwaring, what's Italian for "Halt"? CLATTERING

Oh, never mind. It's too late now.

# ..Dining at the Ritz

# And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square. #

Never heard anything so stupid in my life, squeezing us in here.

Captain Mainwaring wants us where he can lay his hands upon me in case of trouble.

- The rest are patrolling the wire. - I've had enough. I'm going down.

We've got to stay here until we're relieved. I gotta be relieved NOW.

All right but don't be long. Move round.

Excuse me. Could I be excused as well?

- All right. Help him down the stairs, somebody. - I'll give you an 'and.

I've been looking for you everywhere. Where have you been?

-I'll get your blokes out tonight as arranged.

-No, it's too dangerous.

-Capitano Mainwaring is watching all the time.

-We'll get 'em out through the escape tunnel.

It's too dangerous. I get shot!

-If I don't fulfil my orders, I'm done for!

-You may be right. Without you, our cause would be lost.

Now, after I'm off duty, I'll go into Walmington on the bike and pick up the van.

-I'll park outside the wire. You get your blokes through the tunnel, into the van and away.

-I don't like it.

-All you have to worry about is getting those radio sets working by morning. Right, TTFN.

-Come here.

-TT...?

-Ciao.

-Oh, si. Ciao.

Eh, I don't like it.

OWL HOOTS Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, dear!

What time is it, Wilson?

Five to twelve, sir.

2355, eh?

We've been here for over two hours, sir, and nothing's happened.

-I don't think he's going to try tonight after all.

-Believe me, Wilson, I know the criminal mind.

Walker will reveal himself sooner or later.

-Godfrey.

-Yes?

-Are you sure that it was tonight he was going to help the prisoners escape?

-Yes, sir.

He said he had to get them through the tunnel and into a van.

-It's hard to believe that Walker's a fifth columnist.

-I've always said that spiv fellow was no good.

No doubt about it, no doubt at all!

Joe has been a friend of mine for years. To think I've been harbouring a viper between my bosoms.

I should have suspected something when I saw that general fling his arms round his neck.

-A true Britisher would have repelled him.

-If only we knew where the tunnel was.

-I've got an idea.

Why don't I dress myself up as an Italian prisoner of war and mingle among them?

When they go down their tunnel, I can go with them,

and all of a sudden I can stick my bayonet up through the ground.

You'll come along and espy it and you'll know the whereabouts of the tunnel.

Didn't you hear what I said, sir?

-Yes.

-Sir, what's that?

-It's Walker. Get down in case he sees us.

We'll go down and follow him.

-When I give the word, we rush in and catch him red-handed.

-All right, sir. Stand by.

Now!

Right, Walker, the game's up.

-There's nobody here.

-No.

-They must have gone down through the tunnel. We've got to find it.

-Sorry.

-I beg your pardon, sir.

Here it is.

Good heavens, Pike, how on earth did you know it was there?

-Well, we saw it in that film, "Escape from Stalag 9", didn't we?

-It wasn't one of my favourites.

-There was that German actor. The women were potty about him.

-Never mind that. Wilson!

-Yes, sir?

Take Godfrey and Frazer and guard the other end of the tunnel.

If it's straight, it should come up 100 yards left of the main gate.

-Right, be careful. It's awfully dark.

-The rest, come with me.

-What are you doing?

-Helping you down.

Hurry up. We haven't got all night.

I'll soon have you away.

OWL HOOTS

Argh-gh!

Traitor! Traitor! Don't be barmy. Don't shoot!

No, I'm no' gaunie shoot.

Shooting's too good for YOU. We're gaunie string you up on the hanging tree!

Walker, really, this is...isn't it? It really is too bad.

Have you all gone barmy? Don't try and wriggle out of it!

-Mr Walker, why did you do it?

-Eh? Do what?

-Help the prisoners to escape.

What are you talking about? I'm only putting them on the night-shift.

-Night-shift?

-Yeah. Down in one of my sheds. I pick 'em up at night and take 'em back in the morning.

-They help me assemble radio parts.

-How long has this been going on?

-It's been going on for months.

-It's hard to get labour and I have orders to fulfil.

-I'd better tell Captain Mainwaring.

-Push harder, Jones.

-I AM pushing. Put your back into it, Pikey.

I can't. I'm in the wrong position.

- What's that? - Me head.

-Who's that?

-It's me, sir.

-Did you catch Walker?

-Yes, sir, but he's not a fifth columnist.

He was just taking the prisoners out to make radio sets.

-What?

-Yes, radio sets.

-I'll have him court-martialled for this.

-Look here, Wilson, I'm stuck. Lend a hand, will you?

-All right.

-Now, when I say pull, pull.

-Right.

-Pull!

-Oh! Jones, what are you doing?

-I'm pulling sir. You said pull.

-YOU don't pull. You PUSH.

-Right, sir.

-Right, push. Argh!

-Wilson!

-Yes?

-You don't push, you pull.

-I'm sorry.

-You pull, Jones pushes. Understand?

-Yes, sir.

Push.

Pull...push.

Pull.

Look, rest. Rest. Rest, rest, rest.

Why don't we do it as if we're unblocking a drain?

-Yes, sir, would you like us to do that?

-Do anything you like but get on with it.

Now, listen, you men. Mr Mainwaring, he's the obstruction.

We're going to work him up and down until he becomes unblocked.

Mr Wilson, are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

-Right, forwards! Backwards! Forwards! Backwards!

-Stop!

I must have a rest.

WILSON SNIGGERS

What are you laughing at, Wilson?

I just remembered, sir. Winnie The Pooh.

-Winnie The Pooh?

-Don't you remember, sir?

He had so much honey he got a bit fat and got stuck in a hole.

They had to wait a week for him to get thin enough to free himself.

-Do you understand?

-Very amusing, Wilson.

Now, get on with it.

-Permission to do something to you, sir?

-Yes, what is it?

-This.

Argh!

Sorry, sir, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

-There we are, sir. Are you all right now?

-Take your hands off me, Walker.

I'll deal with you later.

Just a minute. There's a car drawing up at the gates.

-Halt, who goes there? >

-Captain Bailey from GHQ.

-It's Captain Bailey.

-Why's he here?

-Perhaps it's about that call you made on GHQ earlier.

-I'd forgotten about that.

Get the prisoners out of the van, back through the tunnel and into the hut.

Frazer, Jones and Pike, you come with me.

-Open the gate. I want to speak to Captain Mainwaring.

-Good evening, sir.

-What's this about Captain Shodski leaving no-one on guard?

-A storm in a teacup, sir. I've sorted it out.

-Have you checked all the prisoners?

-I counted them. There were 60.

- I counted 60, too. Well, not 62, 60 also. - I counted them as well, sir. 60.

-I wanted to count 'em.

-Be quiet, Pike.

-Right. Now I'm going to count them. Come on.

-I shouldn't go in that hut, sir.

-Why not?

It's not a very nice hut, sir. Go into one of these more pleasant huts, sir.

I don't want to go into one of them! Come on, Mainwaring.

-Where is everybody?

-They're in other huts, sir.

-They're in more pleasant huts, sir. This isn't a very nice hut, sir.

-What's the matter with it?

Well, you know, sir, the roof leaks. The snow comes through, sir.

-What, in July?

-If it was December it would.

Oh, do forgive me sitting down in the presence of officers. I'm not as young as I was, sir.

-I quite understand.

-It's nice to have MR BAILEY HERE, isn't it, MR MAINWARING?

Very nice to have him HERE and MR BAILEY has TWO MILITARY POLICEMEN with him.

-Why are you shouting?

-It's habit. Keeps the men on their toes.

-Now, get all the POWs and send them through. I want to count them.

-Yes, oh, right, sir.

-Captain Mainwaring, you look tired. Why don't you sit down?

-Oh, yes. Thank you very much.

Now, I'm going to bring the prisoners through, right? Right through here, sir.

And there's going to be exactly 60 of them, sir.

< Come with me, Pike, Frazer.

That was a daft thing to say. How can we send 60 prisoners through? 20 are missing.

- Did you never go to the pantomime? - Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!

- What are you talking about? - They sent the prisoners round and round again and again.

- It'll never work, I tell you. - Shut up and get them lined up.

It's no good, sergeant, I can't shift it.

Let's have a rest and try again later.

I want to get this over with and get back to bed, Mainwaring.

-You got us into this in the first place!

-Don't worry, we'll try again later. Have a fag.

-They won't be long now, sir.

-Oh, NO SMOKING, if you don't mind, sir.

-NO SMOKING, if you don't mind, sir.

-I'm not smoking.

-We'd sooner YOU DIDN'T.

-Please don't shout, corporal.

-Sorry, sir.

Prisoners are ready for counting, sir.

-Send them through.

-Send the prisoners through, Pikey.

Here they come, sir. Two, four, six, eight, 10,

-12, 14, 16, 18, 20. 20 prisoners, sir.

-Correct. Send the next lot through.

Pikey, send the next lot through, boy. Chop-chop.

Chop-chop!

26, 28, 30, 32, 34,

-36, 38, 40. 40 through, sir.

-40. Only 20 more to come.

Right, only 20 more now, Pikey.

Mainwaring, all these Italians seem to me to be alike.

I know. It's the same with the Chinese.

-60 prisoners, sir.

-Correct. They're all accounted for.

Oh-h!

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