Absent Friends Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

# If you think we're on the run

# We are the boys who'll stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

# If you think old England's done

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

# If you think Old England's done. #

# A room with a view

# And you

# No-one to worry us No-one to hurry us

# Through this dream we found

# We'll bill and we'll coo. #

Hello, sir. I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow morning.

No, I didn't go to London after all.

Oh, really? Was the lodge meeting cancelled?

No, but my wife didn't want to be left alone all night.

Oh, I see, yes, good.

-That's the trouble with women, quite a lot around.

-Of course.

Yes. Time for parade?

Erm... Just about, sir, yes.

There's no need for you to stay, you know, sir.

-After all, we weren't expecting you.

-Oh, that's all right.

You'll give them and half an hour's map reading

and I'll give them 15 minutes' lecture on the future of the war.

-I could do that for you, sir.

-What do you know about the future of the war?

Well, I could manage. You could run off home if you like, sir.

-You trying to get rid of me?

-Of course not, sir.

Hello, I didn't think you were going to be here, Mr Mainwaring.

Evidently not. Where's your uniform?

Me mum's put it in the wash tub.

She's w...

She's what?

-She said it smelled of bleach.

-Of course it smells of bleach.

That's the mustard gas treatment.

She's in her cleaning mood. I'd go grab your bowler hat or she'll have that in the tub.

< I don't want to hear it.

Get that uniform here by tomorrow night.

Yes, sir.

TELEPHONE RINGS

-See who that is.

-Yes, of course.

Hello.

Wilson, Wilson.

How many times do I have to tell you not to say "hello" on the telephone?

Announce yourself, officially.

This is HQ, Number One company, B platoon,

Walmington-on-Sea, Home Guard. And you are Platoon Sergeant Wilson.

Right. This is HQ, Number One platoon, B company,

Walmington-on-Sea, Home Guard.

This is Platoon Sergeant Wilson speaking, yes.

Oh, hello!

How awfully nice to hear from you again.

It has been a long time, hasn't it?

It really is ridiculous, yes. We must try to get together again soon.

Who is it? Who is it?

It's your wife, sir.

Hello, Elizabeth.

Yeah.

But I did get Empress her milk this morning.

Yes. I put her out.

Oh? No, of course I'm not mistaken. I remember distinctly, distinctly.

She... She didn't particularly want to go.

But I did. I shouted goodbye from the kitchen door, dear.

You don't like me walking across the floor in my military boots.

WILSON LAUGHS

Just a moment.

-Wilson.

-Sir?

Go get the men on parade.

Right, sir, right. Yes. Yes.

Hello?

No, I haven't seen Corporal Jones yet. But I will. All in good time.

You must realise, dear, it's rather difficult asking

for under-the-counter oxtail and trying to keep discipline in the platoon.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable if I may say...

TAPPING ON PHONE

GASPS

Are the men ready for inspection?

Yes, sir, yes. One or two seem to be missing, though.

-Call the roll.

-Right, sir, right. Jones, would you do that?

-Call the roll.

-Right. Right.

Agnew? Not here. Hardcastle? Not here.

Godfrey? Not here.

Jones? Not h... Oh, yes.

Jones? Sir!

Jones, Jones! What's going on here?

I'm afraid there's a slight touch of absenteeism, sir. Without leave.

I should think there is.

What's the explanation for this? Where is everybody?

Well, I... I'd...

I'd rather not say, sir.

-What are you talking about?

-Well, it would be sneaking.

Sneaking? I don't want any of that public school rubbish here.

I demand to know the whereabouts of my troops.

They're... They're in the pub, sir, playing darts.

-They're what?

-In the pub playing darts, sir, against the ARP wardens.

-Did you give them permission?

-I said I didn't think it was an awfully good idea,

and if it was all the same to them, I would rather that they didn't.

They thought they could get away with it, sir,

but I knew your suspicions would be aroused

as soon as you heard the words "fall in".

-Thank you very much, Corporal. Go back to your place.

-Very good, sir.

This is absurd! The moment my back is t...

I'm going to pretend that this parade was called for 10 minutes later.

That gives you 10 minutes to get them back from the pub. All right?

-Yes.

-Right. Off you go. Move.

Yes sir, all right.

-Wilson?

-Yes.

-I said move.

-I am moving.

-Well, move faster!

I'm very glad to see you here, Pike.

Oh, me mum doesn't like me going into pubs.

Quite right.

And you, Jones, I'm very glad to see that as usual you put duty first

-and didn't join the team.

-I wasn't picked.

Here we are. 47. Chalk it up, Mr Godfrey.

That's 58 to the wardens and the Home Guard still on 301.

Cor blimey, isn't it about time folks got started?

Oh, dear.

Come on, get a double or they'll whitewash us.

You're putting me off.

Oh!

Do you want to do any better?

Would you like me to move the board a bit nearer for you?

Hello, Mav!

-You're late tonight, love.

-Well, I had to get Frank off to his parade.

Arthur isn't here, is he?

No, course not, he's minding the shop at the drill hall.

What's all this about? What's Pikey's mum doing with a warden?

How long's this been going on?

Dissipation is eating through the land like...

Like worms in a coffin lid.

-Could be interesting.

-Yes.

I think perhaps it wasn't quite such a good idea after all,

you know, to miss the parade.

You know what he gets like. He gets all...

Hello, Mavis. What a surprise.

Yes, isn't it?

Yes, it is. I...

Gin and tonic, here we are.

And don't get all Nelly Dean like you did last week.

Excuse me, mate. Cor blimey, how do you do?

Mavis, do you know this... This fellow?

-He looks after me from time to time.

-What? He looks after you?

-Joe, you've got to help me. Tell him the drink came from you.

-What for?

If he finds out I've been going out with her he'll half kill me.

No, Sergeant. He couldn't punch a hole in a new laid egg.

-Couldn't he?

-Ha!

-Oi!

-Are you talking to me?

Why did you come up here? You should be back in the hall playing soldiers.

I came to fetch the men.

They're not coming.

There's two pints riding on this match and we're winning.

Go present your arms somewhere else.

-I don't think I like your tone.

-Don't you? Well, try this one.

BLOWS RASPERRY

That's really rather vulgar, I think. Awful, that was.

I think you'd better come home with me.

Well, the gentleman's bought me a drink.

-I think I'd like to finish it if you don't mind.

-All right, yes. Yes!

If you wish, yes, I suppose.

Yes.

Yes, I suppose so. I'll see you later then, you fellas.

-Righto, Sergeant.

-See you later.

Good night. Good night, then. Right.

That was interesting, wasn't it?

To hell with a man that wouldn't fight for his woman.

-I saw him off all right, didn't I?

-Yes.

And we'll continue the game when your hands stop shaking.

Elizabeth?

Er...

I was just going to explain that when you slammed the receiver down.

All right, well, you put the receiver down then.

I haven't seen him yet, and I can't see him now

-because I've got a disciplinary crisis on my shoulders. I...

-TAPPING ON PHONE

How long do you want the men to continue maintaining these weapons, sir?

That's all right, stand down.

-Jones.

-Sir?

-Jones, I wanted a little word with you.

Er...

-Sit down, sit down.

-Thank you, sir. Thank you.

I suppose being a butcher your business life is

rather difficult at the moment, isn't it?

Oh, it is, it is, sir. Everyone wants a bit under the counter.

Yes, I'm sure they do.

If I could tell you some of the things that have been offered to me

for a bit on the side...

..it would make your hair stand on end.

Mind you, I couldn't take advantage of half of them.

Not even if I was so inclined.

Well, as you know, I never ask any favours.

I don't quite follow you, sir.

Well, it's just this ridiculous urge that Mrs Mainwaring

has conceived for oxtail. You know how women are from time to time.

You mean like pickles?

Pickles?

Yeah, for pickles.

I don't think I quite follow you.

At certain times, ladies and women take a fancy to pickles.

Do they?

Mrs Mainwaring doesn't want pickles, she wants oxtail.

She shall have one, sir.

We've got the finest oxtail in my cold room

and I shall take it round to her personally.

That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.

Well, I must say, this is a very exciting bit of news, sir.

What is?

Well, you know, Mrs Mainwaring fancying a bit of oxtail,

if you know what I mean.

Is it? I wouldn't say it was particularly exciting.

Well, it must be very unexpected.

No, it's not really unexpected.

It's just that this Mrs Mainwaring gets like that from time to time.

Excuse me asking you, sir, but how is it you've never had any?

I don't know, I suppose

it's just that I've never wanted to ask for your help before.

PHONE RINGS

HQ... Elizabeth?

Yes, I've got very good news for you, my dear.

Yes, your troubles are over.

Mr Jones is going to deliver it himself.

-Right, thank you very much.

-Yes, thank you very much. Thank you, sir.

Ah, there you are. Right. Get the men on parade.

-What was that, sir?

-I said, get the men on parade.

The men? Oh, yes, the men, of course.

Yes, well, I'm not sure that they are here yet.

Do you mean to say you came away without them?

-I suppose I must have done.

-Well, didn't you tell them?

-Yes, I think so, yes, yes.

-You think so? That's what you went for!

This fellow, Hodges, this warden fellow, this Hodges man,

keeps giving Mavis drinks and he said last week she was Nellie Dean.

I beg your pardon?

Then he made a rude noise. He made a rude noise.

I think your mind's wandering, Wilson.

You let it dwell too much on unhealthy things.

I'm going to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.

I'm going back there to that pub with you.

And if we don't get those men back here, then you can consider

yourself relieved of your command and under open arrest. Right?

Corporal Jones! You're coming with us to the public house.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

It could well be that destiny is moving in your direction.

-Look who's coming!

-Oh, I'm just about in the mood for him.

Look here, Napoleon, if you've come here to break up the game,

-think again because they're not coming.

-I've nothing to say to you, so kindly mind your own business.

Walker.

Do that tunic up. You're a disgrace to the platoon.

I'm sorry, sir, we thought you were down in London.

-Go on, do as Daddy says, do your tunic up!

-Will you be quiet?

Now, listen, men.

I don't know if this is deliberate disobedience or just a misunderstanding.

But you are all absent off parade. Now double up and fall in outside.

Wait a minute, it's one game all, you're not leaving now!

Oh, yes they are.

Hang on, it's a little bit difficult, sir.

I mean, we promised him a game.

The war is more important than games, Walker.

I know, but the Nazis aren't coming just at this minute, are they? I mean, we've got half-an-hour or so.

-We are finishing the game, Captain Mainwaring.

-You know, like Drake?

I tell you what, if the bells ring,

I'll send them round in time for the battle!

We'll bring our darts!

We're not coming, sir.

Don't speak to me like that, Frazer. Fall in outside.

You cannae make us.

Private Godfrey.

-He's not coming either.

-Shall I?

Don't rat on us, you blackleg.

I think you've taken leave of your senses.

Anyway...

If you're back in the hall within the next five minutes,

we'll say no more about it.

-Come on, get off your high horse and have a pint!

-Have a drink!

Yes, sir, have a couple of jars and we'll all go back together.

Come on, Wilson. They've obviously had too much to drink

or they wouldn't be behaving this way. Jones.

-Yes, coming sir, I've got a pint coming up.

-Jones!

Mavis, Mavis, I really would like you to come back with me now, please.

-What would I do then? Watch you lot playing soldiers?

-Wilson.

-Right, right, sir, coming.

-Right,

that's got rid of him. Now, it's one game all. Here we go then.

That's it.

My turn to shoot for a double.

I'm not altogether sure we've done the right thing.

It did seem a bit put out, didn't he?

Och, that man is nothing but a bag of wind.

I don't like to let him down, you know. He wouldn't let me down.

-I think I'd rather go back.

-No, you don't!

We're in this together and we'll see it through together.

I'm not going to stand by and see any namby-pamby

creeper crawling back.

Look, hang on, Charlie, I think we ought to stick together.

I'm sorry, Mr Frazer, but that sort of talk doesn't influence me the slightest bit.

I'm going to do what is right.

You blackleg!

Now, don't say that, don't call him that.

Are you going to play darts or stand there blathering all night?

Come on, Joe, it's your go. Come on!

Yeah, all right, come on we'll play darts.

There you go.

This whole thing is totally beyond my comprehension, Wilson.

Fancy men not wanting to come on parade?

I mean, it's the highlight of my day.

Do you know, whilst I'm having my tea,

I can feel the excitement mounting inside me.

I put on my uniform and I march down here to the parade

and I feel a warm glow of pride in what we're doing,

what we have achieved.

We are doing something for England.

This platoon that we've worked so hard for months to mould

into an efficient fighting body of men,

stuck there in the saloon bar, drunk, whingeing?

What?

Walker, standing there with a cigarette drooping from the corner of his mouth.

Collar wide-open like some lounge lizard.

I-I-I don't understand it, do you?

Mmm?

I said, I don't understand it, do you?

No, I can't understand what she sees in him, you see.

Really, I mean he's such a coarse sort of man, isn't he?

So coarse, don't you think? Coarse.

I don't think you've heard one word that I've been saying.

-Sir, I'm afraid I have got some very bad news, sir.

-Oh?

They have had some tea but they are still un-present.

They've got to be taught a lesson, Wilson.

I'd like to teach them a lesson, sir. Put them all on a fizzer.

Oh, we can't do that.

Well, we'll have to have some field punishment for them.

We could tie them to the wheels of a gun carriage.

We haven't got a gun carriage.

We should take away their privileges.

We haven't got any privileges.

Well we could give them some privileges and then take them away.

PHONE RINGS

-See who that is.

-I expect it's your wife, sir.

No, no, that'll be the last straw.

Now, look here, Elizabeth, I really must ask you not to...

What, sir?

I beg your pardon. Ahem.

Great Scott!

Yes, yes, of course.

You can rely on us to give every support possible, yes.

I'll send every available man I have, all right.

Leave the whole thing entirely in my hands, sir, yes. Right, bye.

This would happen at a time like this, wouldn't it?

An IRA suspect has been located in Ivy Crescent.

-That's a police job.

-It would be normally.

Apparently he's armed.

The police have got no weapons and they've called on us for support.

And they shall have it, they shall have it, sir.

We shall be there, we shall be there.

-Shall I run along to the pub and get the others, sir?

-No.

Three loyal men are worth 100 backsliders.

No, no, we'll march alone.

What did he say about the backsides? Backsides, what was that?

-This is it, 27.

-Where's that police squad, then?

Well, they are supposed to meet us here.

Good evening, you the man from the Home Guard?

-That's right, Captain Mainwaring.

-I'm a policeman.

-How do you do?

Where's your squad?

I'm the only one the sergeant could spare.

There isn't a raid on, where's the rest of them?

Playing darts.

Against the Free French.

Well, you see, the sergeant would have called it off

only he don't know the French for cancelled.

I see. Well, we'll just have to see it through ourselves.

Best be a bit careful because they can be pretty ugly customers and he's armed and all.

Oh, we are not worried about arms.

We shall be using jujitsu.

Now, when he comes out, I shall grab his arm...

-Jones will be kneeling down here to trip him up.

-Right, right.

Not now, not now.

-Pike, you will dive in and get him in a lock. Right?

-What sort of lock?

What about this one?

What are you doing?

Very lucky for you that I didn't counter that

or you'd be flat on your back by now.

Right. Here we go.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Now, take this gun.

-Right, sir.

-Stand over there.

-Right, right.

And don't shoot unless it's absolutely necessary.

Remember, this man is British. Basically.

Excuse me, sir, I think you ought to ring again, sir,

he might be listening to Lord Haw-Haw or Vera Lynn, you know.

-He's coming!

-Right, stand back.

Here, what am I supposed to do?

-Arrest him, of course.

-Oh.

Right, here we go! Hey!

It's Mr Mainwaring, Mr Mainwaring!

Here, here, it's an awful mischief you've been doing yourself

if you're not more careful.

-And you at your time of life an' all.

-Grab this man! Get him!

-Let go of my arm, will you?

-I'm trying, sir, I'm trying.

-Let go!

I've got him, I've got him!

Now, don't you try any more of your tricks.

What tricks would I be playing, sir? I'm a God-fearing man

and a faithful servant of His Holiness, the Pope.

Your name Patrick Regan?

Ah, no, no, no,

that'll be my twin brother you're talking about, sir.

-Are you after him again?

-He's bluffing, Constable.

-Get him down to the station.

-We can't take him there.

It was bombed the night before last.

So it was. Where can we take him?

We'll put him in my cold room, put him in my cold room and hang him on a hook, sir.

They're going to pick him up from your headquarters.

-Right, we'll take him down there. Wilson.

-Yes.

-Keep in behind him.

If you try anything, it'll be the worse for you.

Oh, no, no, what would I be trying, sir?

I don't blame you for being cautious.

My twin brother's a terrible rough man.

By God, if I had been him, you'd have been in mortal danger.

All right, we've had enough blarney out of you. Quick march.

Left, right, left, right.

Right, it's double four then. That's it!

-Two pints all-round!

-Come on, where's your share, Taffy?

-Lovely!

Sorry, the beer's off.

Oh, gorblimey, after bashing the living daylights out of them.

-Now, that is bad luck, Wally.

-Well, I don't mind, another time.

Oh, no, gambling debts have to be paid on the spot, or not at all.

Look, there must be a drop left in the barrel.

Take it in the kitchen and put it through the mangle.

Sorry, boys, there's a war on.

I'm a bit worried about Mainwaring. I think we ought to go back and finish off the parade.

Joe, you're weakening. You have the heart of a coward.

No, it's not that, I don't like to see him upset.

If you're going, I'm coming with you because I can't wait to see his face

when I tell him us wardens have beaten his precious troops.

-Come on, Mave.

-But Arthur will be there!

-Who cares about him?! Come on!

Right, bring him in here.

Now, sit down there and behave yourself.

Now, listen here, buddy, one false move out of you

and you'll be wearing a wooden overcoat.

-Pike.

-Yes, boss?

-Don't be silly.

You've a desperate band of men under you.

Yes, I have a curious feeling that we were being followed.

Don't be neurotic, Wilson.

-Constable. Go and look for the wagon.

-Yes. Here's your gun back.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Where is he, then?

-Where is he, then?!

-W-w-where is who?

Your military man who's laid hands on Pat O'Regan.

-I'll split his head open and paper the walls with his guts.

-Oh, I see.

I-I think he might find him the other side of the stage,

one of the dressing rooms.

Come on, boys!

Oh, good evening, Captain Mainwaring.

-Where have you been, Godfrey?

-Before we go in to all that,

I ought tell you that there are three very large Irish men

out there who say they are going to do the most awful things to you.

-Shamus, I'm in here!

-Grab him, Pike!

You do that again and you'll get this up you and you will not like it!

-Come on, Wilson, give me the gun.

-I haven't got the gun, sir.

I gave the gun to you outside the house.

-I must have given it to you back.

-Shut that door.

-They're here already.

-Give me the key.

-I haven't got the key, sir.

-I've locked it, sir.

-Ah, good.

-Pike, run like the wind and get the others.

-Yes, sir.

HEAVY BANGING

-Now.

-I thought you said three loyal men were better

than 100 men on their backside.

Don't talk rubbish, go on!

Open up you misbegotten sons of Britannia! >

That's enough of that sort of talk.

-I call upon you to surrender in the name of the King.

-Stuff the King!

-Oh, come in, come in.

-I've locked him in the hall, I've locked him in the hall.

-Quick thinking, Verger.

-And if I hadn't, he'd have done for you.

I'm very grateful, I can assure you.

When the vicar learns of this, there's going to be a rumpus.

-It's a misuse of the hall.

-We can't go into all that now.

-You said it was for parades.

-Permission to talk. You're trouble-making, you are.

I'm not a troublemaker, you're the troublemaker!

-You're the troublemaker!

-If you ask me, I'd say the pair of youse are troublemakers.

You mind your own business!

-It's only us. Sorry we're late.

-They're on their way here.

I've told them all to report for duty, sir.

Good, now we can get something done.

Godfrey, you will open the door

and then we will storm in and assault them.

Hang on, sir, I think I ought to go first.

I volunteer to be the first man there, sir.

-You can't...

-All right, all right. Walker will go first.

Right, everybody. Right, stand by, open the door. In we go.

SHOUTING

PHONE RINGS

SHOUTING AND CRASHING

Hello?

Oh, Mrs Mainwaring, I'm afraid he's rather occupied at the moment.

Yes, he's awfully busy, he'll see you later, goodbye.

BANGING AND SHOUTING CONTINUES

-What's all this noise about, then? What's going on?

-Where's Frank?

-Where is he?

-All right, All right.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

All right, all right.

That softened them up a bit.

-They've hurt you, Frank.

-All right, Frank, all right.

-Go on, do something about it!

-All right, Mavis, just leave it to me.

-Jonesy, will you please just open that door.

-Open it?

-Just open the door.

Wilson. What are you doing?

BANGING Ooh! Urgh!

SILENCE

Good God, Wilson!

I'd never have believed it!

-Would you all mind going home? Just clear off, will you?

-Yes, I will.

I could do with an early night.

-Arthur.

-Yes.

-We could all do with an early night!

-Yes...

Well, men, we've all had a good early night and none of us

seems to be very much the worse for our experiences.

I must say I'm very proud with the way that you tackled

an extremely dangerous task.

As for the other lapse, we'll forget all about that

because I don't suppose it will happen again.

Don't worry, sir, you can rely on us.

I was against it from the very start.

WALKER: Of course you were.

There is just one other thing I'd like to mention. And that is this.

That owing to a slight misunderstanding

between Corporal Jones and myself, certain rumours

have been circulating in this town regarding my wife's condition.

They are quite untrue.

Mrs Mainwaring and I have never been blessed that way

but in every other way...

It has been a most happy marriage. In fact, almost blissful.

PHONE RINGS

Would you like me to answer that, sir?

No, thank you, Sergeant.

It will probably be for me.

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