Put That Light Out Dad's Army


Put That Light Out

Classic wartime sitcom about the Home Guard unit of Walmington-on-Sea. Captain Mainwaring sets up an observation post in the lighthouse.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again.

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Now, to wage war successfully, every commander in the field should put himself in the enemy's shoes

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and see the situation from that point of view.

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And so, I ask myself, if I were in Adolf's shoes, what would he be thinking?

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-He'd wonder why you had his shoes on!

-Very amusing (!)

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He'd probably be thinking, "I wonder what they're up to!"

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Quite right. The only way for Hitler to find out is to come and have a look.

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That new Air Raid Warden in Gardenia Gardens looks like Herr Hitler!

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No, no, Pike. I don't think that Hitler would come personally.

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-Why not? Hess did.

-He'd send a recce party in a submarine... Hess was entirely different!

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-Or send a swift, silent surface craft.

-Canoes!

-I beg your pardon?

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-Canoes!

-These are Nazis, not Apache Indians!

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I thought Apaches were those rough French dancers. I never liked them much.

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They had a couple of them on the bill with Nellie Wallace!

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And he treated her with disdain and threw her at the trombone player.

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-She had very big thighs and long, black silk stockings...

-Big thighs, you say?

-Yes and...

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-All right! We're wandering from the point.

-Let's get back in Hitler's shoes!

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The obvious place for a recce to land is in the estuary here.

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-We are to set up an observation post in the lighthouse here.

-Sir, it's not being used any more.

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-Therefore, it is closed and not open.

-They used it when yon convoy come through!

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Quite right, Frazer. They're happy for us to set up a guard post from time to time.

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Corporal Jones, your section will rendezvous at the Jolly Roger Ice Cream Parlour on the jetty.

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When the tide is low, you will cross the causeway here.

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-Once inside the lighthouse, open these sealed orders.

-Thank you.

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-Just one question, sir. After I open the orders, what shall I do?

-Read them very carefully!

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-That's all. Dismiss.

-Come on, outside. Quick as you can.

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I can't go tonight, sir. I'm delivering essential supplies.

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-I've heard this before, Walker.

-No, this is vital. For the nurses.

-Not elastic again, is it?

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-No, hairpins.

-Oh, really, Walker!

-Straight up. Their hair keeps falling into the operations.

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-I'll report here when I've finished.

-This really won't do, Walker.

-I might have your whisky for you.

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-Never mind that. Just get back here as soon as you can.

-Right.

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-Oh, and Bert's fixed the Lewis gun. 15 bob, no questions asked. I'll bring it later.

-Right.

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-And I'll bring that whisky!

-Off you go!

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Rough diamond, isn't he?

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-Heart of gold, of course.

-Yes.

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# When the lights go on again, All over the world... #

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Left, right. Left, right. Mark time!

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Open door! Forward!

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Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

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Left, right. Left, right. Mark time!

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Squad...halt!

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Right turn! Stand at...ease!

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Right, I am now going to take out the sealed orders and, having taken them out, I'll unseal them.

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Then I will read them to you and you are going to pay attention.

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-Could I be excused?

-No, you've got to wait.

-It's a long way down.

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Here we are. "Orders for section on watch from the lighthouse. Commence at 2,000 hours."

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Twenty hundred hours.

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Silence!

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"Commence duty at twenty hundred hours.

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"You will keep a strict look-out for any Fifth Columnists or spies infiltrating up the estuary."

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-What'll we do if we see any?

-You will tell me.

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I will tell Mister Mainwaring and he will tell his commander, and he will tell...somebody else.

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-Might I be excused now?

-No. "Guards will not be relieved until 0800 hours."

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-Right, we'll revise platoon advance to contact...

-Ah, I'm glad I caught you. And you.

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-We're very busy.

-I've had serious reports from my warden.

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You've flashed lights from here more than at 17 Pembroke Gardens - and they were enemy aliens!

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-I can't accept that.

-I'll have you up before the magistrate!

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-You have no authority over the military.

-Military (?) You can't strut like Lord Muck!

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-I'm in charge of this sector and I am warning you...!

-Put that finger down and get out of my headquarters.

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I'm going, but you've had your last warning. One more flash and a policeman will feel your collar!

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-Corporal Jones?

-What?

-Do you think Mr Godfrey's all right? He's been gone a long time.

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-Of course. There's a lot of steps in a lighthouse.

-He's been gone nearly 15 minutes already!

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-When he's halfway up, he'll have to go down again!

-Why don't you see how he's getting on?

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Hold on. Did you lock and bar the door to the rock when you came up?

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-No. I think I left it open.

-Oh, then wild horses wouldn't drag me down there before dawn.

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Why not, Mr Frazer?

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Sit down, son. I'll tell you.

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It's something that happened to my old school friend, Willy Reagan.

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He was keeper of the light on the Fairloch Rock.

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A wild, lonely, storm-racked cliff it is, I tell ye.

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And many a tall ship has gone to its cold, watery grave, pounding on those granite boulders.

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One night, just like this, when the wind was wailing mournfully in the rigging...

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-Mr Frazer, lighthouses don't have rigging.

-This one did.

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Willy started down the stairs to get a new wick for the lamp.

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Near the bottom, something made him stop.

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Below, in the gloom, he could hear a low, painful moan...

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And a slithering. Something was moving in the dark.

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Willy started back upstairs.

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Twenty steps up, he stopped and turned.

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He could see nothing, but the dark was darker, and the moan was louder

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and the slithering was coming nearer and nearer!

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Willy scrambled up the stairs, up and up he went,

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higher and higher, until his lungs were gasping and his heart was thumping!

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He daren't stop, because he knew the thing was behind him!

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At last he reached the top and flung himself into the lamphouse!

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He threw himself against the door!

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Holding his breath, he listened...

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AAAAAAGGHHH !

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There it was...unmistakeable!

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The thing was on the other side!

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Trying to get in! Trying to get in!

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KNOCKING

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-Aaaaah!

-Aaaaah!

-Aaaaah!

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-It can't get in! It can't get in!

-Wheesht! Quiet! And listen...

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-Would somebody open the door? >

-It's Godfrey!

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-Hello. I was going to leave you a note.

-Anything important?

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There's been a blitz on blackouts. Area HQ have sent a note down to me.

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-We don't have much bother here. 'Ere, fancy a cup?

-Yes. Watch the blackouts, won't you?

-Yeah.

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Two lumps, please.

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-Mr Jones?

-Yeah?

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If we do go downstairs, we won't see Willy's slithery thing, will we?

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No, of course we won't.

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-I'm going to stay up here. Aren't you?

-Yeah, as long as possible.

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-If we go, we go together.

-That'll be nice.

-Yeah.

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We can take a rifle, and if we see the slithery thing we can shoot it.

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-We'll fix bayonets.

-Yeah. Slithery things won't like it up 'em any more than fuzzy-wuzzies.

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No, you can't beat the old steel.

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-I wish Uncle Arthur was with us. Don't you?

-No.

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I wish we was with him.

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< I say...

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AAAAAAAAH ! Oh, sorry, Mr Godfrey.

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I just wondered, if we saw spies, how could we tell Captain Mainwaring?

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-We'll have to use our initiative.

-Failing that, there's a telephone on the wall.

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Yes, we'll use our initiative... and that telephone on the wall.

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-Is it working?

-I don't know. We'll have to try it. That's our best thing. We'll try it. Yes.

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We'll try it.

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Hello? Jones the butcher here.

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-Hello? ..It's dead.

-Dead?

-Then we're cut off!

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-Keep calm! We're cut off! Keep calm!

-It's the slithery thing!

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-Of course it isnae!

-Perhaps they haven't paid the bill.

-Lighthouses don't get bills!

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We forgot to pay the bill and were cut off once, but so few people ring us, we didn't know for two weeks...

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-There's a light switch...

-Don't touch that!

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-We're not blacked-out.

-We can do it just long enough for a quick peek.

-Yeah, all right, then. Here we go.

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The electricity's cut off!

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-It's the slithery thing!

-Shut up!

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Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'll do the mains switch.

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POWER SURGES

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THAT'S the slithery thing!

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I feel a little frightened.

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-Hey, look!

-It was nae slithery thing!

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It was the generator!

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It's all right, men. It's only the generator.

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Only the...

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-OH! Blimey!

-Anyway, you can read the instructions all right now.

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-What about the blackout?

-Turn it off quick!

-Yeah, I better turn it off.

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Right, I'm now going to turn it off.

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-They'd a time switch in "The Phantom Light" with Gordon Harker.

-It's lighting up the whole coast!

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You've got to act, man!

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That's right. A bit of action, yes.

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Pikey, you look for switches and Frazer and I will do... something else.

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-I know - we'll fix bayonets!

-Fix bayonets. You're not going to charge the damn thing, are you?

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Look, Frazer. I'm in command. You fix bayonets.

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My sister broke a 40-Watt bulb once and it made an awful bang. That could blow us all into the sea!

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Godfrey, you give me your blanket, come on.

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We'll fix one corner to my bayonet and fix the other corner to Frazer's bayonet. Right?

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-Put it on the top there.

-Right.

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Ready? Lift it up and follow me.

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Wait for the light... Here we go!

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Left, right. Left, right...

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-Well, that's cleared up the bumph for the time being.

-Ah, good.

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-These brass hats from the War Office certainly like their red tape.

-They certainly do, sir. Yes.

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-Makes it hard for the front-line troops.

-Yes. I'll have an early night, sir.

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-Yes, why not?

-All right.

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What are you doing, Wilson?

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-Good heavens. That's funny.

-Well, I don't find it very funny. Switch the light on!

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Come out here a minute, sir. Come on. Look. What do you make of that?

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-Over there.

-It's only the lighthouse. There's probably a special convoy going through.

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Good heavens! Jones's section!

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Could someone be meddling with something that doesn't concern them?

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-Let's get to the harbour at once, Wilson!

-All right, sir.

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-That was a good cup of tea.

-That fella Walker got us it.

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Walker? I wouldn't have touched it if I'd known!

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-Well, since the Luftwaffe haven't come, I'm off home.

-'Night.

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Mr Alberts... Mr Alberts?

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-I wasn't notified of this.

-I saw the Home Guard going out.

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-Not Mainwaring's mob?

-That old Lance Corporal.

-Ruddy hooligans! Put that ruddy light out!

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-They can't hear you.

-I'll make 'em hear me. PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!

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-I'll get 'em! I'll get 'em on the phone...

-Don't worry.

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PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!!!

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I don't think I can keep this up much longer!

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-Righto, Frazer, stand by next time round.

-Right!

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-It's like the bloody Olympics!

-Come on! Come on!

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Left, right! Left, right! Pick 'em up! Pick 'em up!

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Hold back! Hold back!

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What's your game, Frazer? When I say, "Left, right, pick 'em up," I mean...

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Well, it's stuck now, look at this.

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-You've clogged the cogs.

-Anyway, we don't have to go on running round like squirrels in a cage.

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Doesn't Walmington look pretty all lit up?

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Blimey! It's stuck right across the town!

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It's a good job the siren hasn't gone, isn't it?

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SIREN STARTS

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I don't think Mr Mainwaring is going to be very pleased with us.

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SIREN CONTINUES

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Well, seems to have stopped going round and round, sir.

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-This is damn serious, Wilson.

-Yes.

-We're a sitting target for every Jerry plane within 50 miles!

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That fool Mainwaring isn't even in his headquarters! Look!

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Your lot have done that, the whole town lit up and now Jerry's arrived!

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-I'm well aware of the situation.

-What are you going to do?

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-We must get out there at once.

-But the tide's in.

-Get a boat.

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You'll be dashed to pieces on the rocks!

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-Come on, Wilson.

-All right, sir.

-Get a lifebelt.

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Let them do it! It serves them right!

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-There's no such word as "can't." If the spirit is willing, nothing can stop us!

-There isn't a boat.

-Ah(!)

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That is rather an obstacle. Well, we must find some other way.

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A pound to a penny he'll try and walk on the water!

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'Ere, this is a bit of a lark! Old Jones is up the creek without a paddle and no mistake.

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We've got to put that light out somehow.

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-Shoot it out!

-What?

-With the Lewis gun.

-We can't.

-You mean you couldn't hit it!

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I mean one of our men might get hit.

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Your men? What about the town, what about the women and children, all the bombs raining down?

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-The bombs aren't raining down.

-No, but they will in a minute!

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-Give us that gun!

-Take your hands off it!

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Oh, I'm having one of my turns!

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Come on, sit down, for heaven's sake, behave yourself and keep quiet.

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-I know a bloke at the power station who could black out the whole county.

-Don't be ridiculous, Walker.

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- 'Ere, what about the transformer? - Walker, be sensible or keep quiet.

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I think that's very sensible. Lead on, Walker, and take this gun.

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Right, you lift that up nice and high and that will stop the light going over the town, won't it?

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-There.

-That's quite good.

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It's a much softer light. The other was terribly hard.

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Mr Jones, there's steam coming out of the blanket.

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Well, It's probably a bit damp, you see.

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Yeah, but the steam should be white and that steam is black.

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The blanket's on fire! Don't panic! Don't panic!

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UPROAR

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Unfortunately, it seems to be locked. That's easy. Got a hairpin?

0:20:590:21:07

-Am I likely to have a hairpin?

-Don't you sell them? I'd have to open a new packet!

0:21:070:21:14

-Here, use this paper-clip.

-Would you turn the other way? Professional etiquette. Oh, heavens!

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Get on with it. Right. That's it.

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-All we need is the right switch.

-There aren't many. Plenty of wires.

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Lend me your tin hat.

0:21:340:21:37

-Please, please, sir. Don't overdo it.

-Stand clear.

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Stand well clear.

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BANG!

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Now walk away slowly as though nothing had happened.

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-'Ere, the lights have fused.

-Pity that one hasn't. Get the hurricane lamps out.

0:21:550:22:01

-Mr Jones, I think I've found another switch.

-Well, switch it, Pikey boy, switch it!

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FOGHORN SOUNDS

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Blimey, if they can't see us, they'll hear us! I need a pill!

0:22:130:22:19

Oh, cor blimey! It's Hutch!

0:22:190:22:22

-Damn it! That light's still on.

-Not in there, though!

0:22:220:22:28

-Who flashed without my authority?

-Who are you?

-I'm the keeper.

0:22:280:22:33

-They can't flash without my authority.

-Can that be thing be turned off from here?

-Of course not!

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-Why don't we use the telephone.

-It's cut off.

0:22:400:22:43

-Perhaps the exchange could reconnect it.

-That's good thinking.

0:22:430:22:47

-Hello? Hello?

-I used to live there once, but the salt got into my lungs.

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I used to cough something awful. Terrible...it...wa...

0:23:020:23:05

HE COUGHS

0:23:050:23:07

Hello? Hello? Put me through to the supervisor, will you?

0:23:150:23:21

I can't do that. She goes off at six. There's only me here.

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-Well then you'll have to deal with it. Listen very carefully.

-Yes.

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-This is Captain Mainwaring of the Home Guard.

-Yes. Who?

0:23:290:23:34

Captain Mainwaring. M-A-I-N-W-A-R-I-N-G.

0:23:340:23:40

-Do you want me to write that down?

-No, no, no, just listen.

-Yes, sir. I'm listening.

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-I'm speaking to you from the Jolly Roger Ice Cream Parlour.

-That's been shut since the war.

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-I know it has! It's an ARP post.

-Are you an Air Raid Warden as well?

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-Never mind that. Will you connect me to the lighthouse?

-It's cut off.

0:24:000:24:05

-I know. Can you reconnect me?

-I can't do that! You'll have to talk to the supervisor!

0:24:050:24:11

That's who I asked for in the first place.

0:24:110:24:13

Oh, just a minute, there's an address here that takes messages for the lighthouse.

0:24:130:24:19

-Ah, good, that's the ticket. Give it to me, will you? Wilson, get a pencil and put this down.

-Right.

0:24:190:24:26

It's the Jolly Roger Ice Cream Kiosk...

0:24:260:24:31

-The Jolly Roger...

-Yes, all right.

-I'm speaking from there!

0:24:310:24:36

Can't you give them the message, then?

0:24:360:24:39

Hang on, sir. Give it to me, will you? ..Hello, Freda?

0:24:390:24:45

- Who's that? - It's Joe. Joe Walker. - Oh! Hello, Joe!

0:24:450:24:52

'Ere, listen, love, stick 73 into 21, will you?

0:24:520:24:56

Oh, Joe, what are you up to now?

0:24:560:25:01

All right, then, I'll do it for you. Hang on.

0:25:010:25:03

-There you are, sir.

-You seem very well-informed.

-We ran brandy from France before the war in motor-boats.

0:25:030:25:10

-I knew a bent coast guard who'd give us a tip-off when they were coming round the bay.

-Really(?)

0:25:100:25:15

-PHONE RINGS

-Ah!

-Telephone!

0:25:150:25:18

-Jack Jones the butcher.

-Corporal Jones?

-Sir.

-This is Captain Mainwaring. Listen very carefully.

0:25:180:25:27

-This is how to turn off the light.

-'Right.'

-You're to go down to the generator room.

0:25:270:25:33

-Right. Go down to the generator room? Right, sir.

-Corporal Jones?

0:25:330:25:39

Just a minute. It's locked.

0:25:390:25:42

-Do you know where the key is?

-Yes.

0:25:420:25:45

-Jones, I'm going to tell you where the key is.

-It's here.

-It's here...

0:25:450:25:52

You'll have to break the door down and get into the generator room.

0:25:550:25:59

Break the door down. Right, sir. I'll do that directly, sir.

0:25:590:26:04

Now listen, men, we've to find the generator room and then find the door of it.

0:26:040:26:10

We'll break that down, go into the generator room and stop it!

0:26:100:26:15

-What about the slithery thing?

-We'll stop that and all! Come on! You stay here, Mr Godfrey.

0:26:150:26:23

PLANES OVERHEAD Listen! I can hear 'em! There's hundreds of them.

0:26:230:26:29

-They're on their way somewhere else.

-But when they see this, they'll change their minds, won't they?

0:26:290:26:35

They won't have another chance like this in the whole war!

0:26:350:26:37

-All right. Jones will put it out in a minute.

-You'd better shoot it out now! They'll all be below.

0:26:370:26:44

I'll hold off until the last possible minute. Give me the gun.

0:26:440:26:50

Look, Mr Jones, I'm making a rabbit.

0:26:540:26:58

It's the biggest one you ever saw. It's all over Walmington.

0:26:580:27:03

They're practically overhead! For God's sake, shoot it out!

0:27:050:27:08

Now I'm making a bird. It's going right up and down the High Street.

0:27:100:27:16

Oh dear, what a pity no-one can see it.

0:27:160:27:19

There's one caught in the searchlight! Shoot, you bloody fool, or it'll be murder!

0:27:190:27:25

-Go on, sir!

-All right. Here goes.

0:27:250:27:28

Oh, dear. What a pity, I was enjoying that.

0:27:310:27:35

Blimey! That was a near thing.

0:27:350:27:38

You haven't heard the last of this!

0:27:380:27:41

Sir, I can't understand why we just don't concentrate on guarding things, instead of these absurd operations.

0:27:410:27:50

Oh, nonsense. By doing this, we've encountered difficulties and triumphed over them.

0:27:500:27:57

And we're better soldiers for it, enriched by the experience.

0:27:570:28:02

I have a feeling when the electric bill comes in, we'll all be a lot poorer!

0:28:020:28:06

-Oh, no. No, there's not a shred of evidence to connect us with it.

-Mmm?

0:28:060:28:13

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:090:29:14

Classic wartime sitcom about the Home Guard unit of Walmington-on-Sea. Captain Mainwaring sets up an observation post in the lighthouse, thus providing ample opportunity for disaster.


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