The Test Dad's Army


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Stand at ease!

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Now I was very disappointed at the turn-out for church parade last Sunday.

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I'd just like to remind you that during Dunkirk,

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His Majesty the King called for a day of prayer. It worked damn well.

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-I was delivering essential supplies to ATS girls.

-Couldn't that wait?

-It was elastic.

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-I see.

-For their knickers...

-All right, all right.

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I also noticed, Pike, that your hair was too long.

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-It's over your collar. Get it cut.

-Yes, but...

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Yours is long too, Wilson. You're not a violin player.

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-Mum said it looks romantic.

-Frank!

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Romantic? Well, I don't see it.

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-Now, I've had a letter from the Chief Warden of the ARP.

-If it's about me...

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-in the shelter with Mrs Prosser, it's not true.

-I beg your pardon?

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She came over a bit faint. I took her down there to recover.

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-It's not that!

-If it was...

-Be quiet.

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It's to challenge us to a game of cricket.

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-I used to be a passable opening bat.

-I'll keep wicket, sir.

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I once kept wicket in the rear of the great Ranjitsinhji, sir.

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A fine upstanding man till I whipped his bails off.

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Made his eyes water a bit, too.

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Well, we do need a wicket-keeper.

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I'd like a game as well, please.

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I can get a couple of reconditioned balls.

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-Thank you, Walker.

-As long as I'm not running about...

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Near the pavilion. He gets caught short...

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-That'll do, Walker. How about you, Frazer?

-Aye, if you explain the principle of it.

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Well, we have the nucleus of a team. Shall we play them?

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Y-E-S!

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-Right, tell them we'll accept, Wilson.

-I will indeed, sir. Who's going to be Captain?

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I am.

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Now, watch this ball very carefully, Walker.

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You were very lucky there.

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I want to give you a tip here. This applies to all of you.

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Whether you're playing forward to a good length ball, thus...

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or whether you're... Wilson, where are you going?

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Well, I thought I'd just skip this lecture.

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-Skip the...? This is for your benefit too.

-Is it? So sorry.

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Or when you're playing a short-length ball...thus...

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In any case, you always keep the bat absolutely straight.

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-Why?

-Because it's the correct way to do it. If you slash at it, you'll miss the ball.

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-But I hit it, didn't I?

-It was luck.

-Oh.

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Pike, send me a good length down, will you?

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I'm going to put it right there.

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Right, Pike.

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Pike...

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Now, I want you to pay particular attention to the fact that my eye never leaves the ball,

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from the bowler's hand to striking the middle of the bat, there.

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Sorry about that, Mr Mainwaring.

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The sun's very bright today.

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You seemed to lose sight of it somewhere, sir.

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-Let's see how you shape up, Godfrey.

-Thank you, sir.

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-Are there any pads?

-We shan't be sending any fast ones down.

-But my shins chip very easily.

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Let's see how you shape up.

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Right, send him one down, Pike.

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Pike!

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-Have you never played this game before?

-Yes, for the gents' outfitters.

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We played the tobacco department. I named it Gentlemen versus Players.

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-Why did you call it that?

-I was a wag in those days.

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I see. Now... the left hand a bit further round.

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That's it. Left shoulder further round. Head down. Look up.

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Feet a little more apart.

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Right arm straight.

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Just relax like that for a moment.

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All right, Pike. Send one down.

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-Right. A googly, or an easy one like you had?

-Just bowl.

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Stop! Pike!

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Are you all right?

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Stupid boy.

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Now, we can all learn something from Pike's bowling mistakes.

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Your left hand wasn't high enough. It must be up there. Like that.

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Let's try that, shall we? Line up here.

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-Shall I remain poised for action, sir?

-Stand down.

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Right. Cartwheel motion, you see? Over.

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Over.

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Wilson, pretend you're doing a cartwheel.

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-I've never done a cartwheel, sir.

-Never?

-Never in my life.

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Extraordinary.

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Right, let's see how it works out.

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Sorry I'm late. I did a coupon count, then the sausages arrived.

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-No excuses. A parade is a parade.

-I put your sausages in your desk.

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Thank you, Jones. Just watch it in future.

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-Let's get on with the practice.

-Can I take the strike, sir?

-Right.

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Thank you. Left, right, left, right.

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Left, right, left, right, halt.

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Now, pay particular attention to the way I hold the ball.

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Finger on the seam, slightly to the left, and note the wrist action.

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Very good, Godfrey.

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And the final flick of the finger, of course,

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which will bring it in from the outside of the off-stump.

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We hope.

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Stand clear, please.

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This ball might fox you a bit, Jones, but you must do what you can with it. There we go.

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CRASH OF GLASS

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Pike, ask the vicar if we can have our ball back.

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-There we are. EC Egan, isn't it?

-That's right.

-I'm Hodges. We spoke on the phone.

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-Gerald, meet EC Egan.

-How do you do? Hello, Gerald.

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-He bowled Denis Compton, Len Hutton and Joe Hardstaff in two overs.

-And Edrich.

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I reckon two overs from him will finish Mainwaring's lot. Wait till you see Mainwaring's face.

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Would you mind signing here? That makes you a warden.

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All official then.

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-What happens if the siren goes?

-You resign.

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-Ah, Mr Hodges, have my men arrived?

-No. Probably sleeping on guard somewhere.

-That is not amusing.

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-I hear you lot have been practising.

-Hardly. Just getting our form back.

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Not for long. When my blokes arrive, send them through, will you?

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Gerald, Ernie... You don't mind if I call you Ernie?

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Hello, Mr Mainwaring.

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-What's that you're wearing?

-I wear it for bowls, it's nice and shady.

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-No, no, we can't have that. I'll lend you a cap.

-I got 'em.

-Got what?

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-The round things we were talkin' about.

-The cricket balls?

-Yeah. £2.10s each, £4 for the pair.

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-I'm not paying that sort of money. Whoever heard of that price for a cricket ball?

-Okay, £2 each.

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-You'd sell your own grandmother, wouldn't you?

-There's no market for her.

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-Good grief!

-It was old Mr Parkinson. I knew him well.

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You can't play cricket like that!

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It's all here.

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I couldnae go to THAT dressed for this, could I?

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-This cap is a little large.

-Well, stuff it with some paper, it'll look fine.

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Sorry if I'm a bit late, sir. This bag's rather heavy.

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What's that you're wearing?

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It's a club I used to belong to.

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-A bit dazzling, isn't it?

-One doesn't wear it at the wicket.

-I'm well aware of that, Wilson.

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Pike!

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-Where are your white flannels?

-Me mum put them in the dolly tub and they shrunk above my knees.

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Come here, boy.

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Pike!

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Now look here, Pike... You're not only a member of the platoon. You're an employee of the bank too.

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-Looking like that could jeopardise your entire career. You understand?

-Yes, sir.

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I've got a spare pair of flannels. I'll lend them to you.

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-Not the sort of thing I like to do. Trousers are a very personal thing. Not to be bandied about.

-No.

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They're in my bag. Go and get them.

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And take that dreadful eyeshade off.

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-Edward G Robinson wears one.

-Not on the cricket field.

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-Right. Ready, Captain Mainwaring?

-My boys are ready.

-Boys? Blimey!

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-Shall we toss here, or on the pitch?

-We'll do it here.

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Just a moment. Shouldn't the umpire do that?

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-Oh, it's like that, is it? Where are the umpires?

-Umpires!

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-Mr Mainwaring, good afternoon. Shouldn't we have white coats, or something?

-Yes. Jones!

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Don't panic. Don't panic.

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I'm sorry about the blood stains, but a small piece of kidney got left in the pocket.

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-All right, thank you.

-Right, Vicar. You call, Captain. Age before beauty. Age before beauty!

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I'm not used to this. Don't worry. It's not real gambling.

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-Heads.

-It's tails. You've lost.

-Sorry, Captain. You're fielding.

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Looks like a good day for it.

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Indeed. Are you in a hurry to get away after the match, Mr Yeatman?

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Not particularly, sir. Then remove your bicycle clips.

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-It'll be good to hear the sound of willow on leather again, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

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-Free men, enjoying a British game. That's what we're fighting for.

-Among other things.

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-You managed to get into them, Pike?

-Yes, but you're a bit shorter than I am, and a bit fatter.

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Keep your hands in your pockets until the ball's delivered.

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-Bowl 'em fast as you like, sir.

-Right, Jones.

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We'll take it easy for a couple of overs, then really get on top of it.

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Closer, Pike. I often get one with a short catch.

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-I might get me head bashed in.

-Do as you're told, Pike.

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Well, it's just a touch to the middle.

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-That's near enough wi' HIM bowling.

-Ready, Vicar?

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Quite ready, Mr Yeatman.

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Will you be saying grace, sir?

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No, Mr Yeatman. I don't think it's usual.

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Right.

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Play.

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Are you gonna stand there, lad?

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-He told me to.

-You'll get your head bashed in.

-Can I move?

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No, stay where you are, Pike.

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Blimey, I can hear the creaking from here.

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Howzat?

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Very spectacular, but it's not out.

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-I didn't even move.

-If you HAD moved, I'd have had you.

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-D'you suppose he's going to do that every time?

-He's very keen.

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There we are. All ship-shape and Bristol fashion.

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Play!

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-Four!

-Just tempting him.

-Don't bother to run singles.

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-Six!

-Tempting him again, sir?

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-Please can I stand farther away, Mr Mainwaring?

-No.

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Look out for a catch this time, Wilson.

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I can hardly bear to look.

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-WIDE!

-Bad luck, sir.

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-Personally, I don't think it was too wide at all.

-Are you doubting my integrity?

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No, just your judgement.

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Every ball a new adventure.

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Are you any relation to Tarzan?

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-No ball!

-That was my googly.

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-It was a chuck, and don't argue or you'll be sent off.

-You don't send people off in cricket.

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-I do.

-I suppose I'm lucky not to have been given off-side?

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I'm taking your name for that.

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Mainwaring. Gross impertinence and sarcasm.

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I wonder what he's got up his sleeve. I wish I was wearing pads.

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Howzat, sir?

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-How was that, sir?

-Not out, you old fool. Any berk can tell you that.

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Jones, come here.

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-Sorry, sir.

-Jones, you must make sure he's out of his crease,

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-otherwise the vicar will be banging the stumps back all day.

-I'll do that, sir.

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Right, let's try again, shall we?

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This is more than flesh and blood can stand.

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-Run, Gerald, run!

-Catch it, Godfrey!

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-Hurry up, Godfrey!

-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I seem to have mislaid the ball.

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Frazer, Walker, Pike, come on.

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Come on, Gerald, keep it up.

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Five...

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Six...

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Seven...

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-Didn't you keep your eye on it, Godfrey?

-It's about here.

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Dammit, they're still running.

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Eleven...

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Twelve...

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-How much longer do we have to keep this up?

-Keep running.

-But...

-Just keep running.

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Not you.

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Fourteen...

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Fifteen...

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-This is ridiculous.

-This needs the heavy roller on it.

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Could we join hands and tread the ground?

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Nineteen...

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Twenty...

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-Tell you what, how about using the other one?

-Oh, all right. Two pounds, is it?

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Don't bother. Have it on me.

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How was that, sir?

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Twenty-four, Mr Blewitt.

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I've busted me point with them.

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-You can't run 24. It was a lost ball.

-You just threw it in.

-We just found it.

-So it's not lost.

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-Play on!

-It's over.

-Oh, all right, over then.

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'Owzat!

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How was it?

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How was that? How was it, sir?

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Well, 152 for 4 is not bad, lads. I think we'll declare and let your lot have a bash.

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-That gives us three hours. Very sporting of you.

-Yes, indeed.

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When you've finished your tea, lads...

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-How many overs do you think you'll need to skittle them out. Three or four?

-Oh, about four.

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-Where's the little fat chap gonna bat?

-Number one, probably.

-I'll get him with the second ball.

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I'm going to enjoy this.

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-I'll take first knock, Wilson.

-Naturally. Is Mrs Mainwaring spectating?

-No.

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-She's not one for outdoor sports.

-More the indoor type?

-No, I wouldn't say that either.

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Close in, lads. We'll probably get a few sitters.

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Middle and leg, please, Mr Yeatman.

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Can't you make up your mind?

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I'm only trying to do what's right. Play!

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Just a moment.

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Have a good look round. You won't be there long.

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He'd have been bowling for England if the war hadn't started.

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-Where's he going?

-It's WHERE he comes to you, you want to worry about.

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He bowls at 95 miles an hour.

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-Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?

-He's not bowling at the stumps, he's bowling at me.

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-Ohh!

-What's up?

-Ohh! Me shoulder.

-What are you talking about?

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-I shan't be able to bowl again for two weeks.

-Where you goin'?

-I'm goin' off.

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Cor blimey! Now we ARE in trouble. Henry, you bowl. Dear, oh dear.

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-Serves you right, Hodges. I'm going to enjoy this.

-Play!

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Blimey, he's hit it.

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OUT!

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You're out. LBW. As plain as the nose on your face.

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You're out! You're out!

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Do try to control your staff, Vicar.

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-'Ere, Sgt Wilson's doin' well. That's 81 he's made.

-Y-e-s.

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He's had some very narrow escapes.

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-That's it. You're in, Godfrey.

-Oh, dear.

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We only want five runs to win. Just try not to get out, and perhaps Wilson will scrape them.

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-Let me go in again, sir.

-Don't be silly, Jones.

-I could disguise myself.

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He'll be out first ball.

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He hit it.

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Foolish, he should have taken a single and left it to Wilson.

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It's going to be a six!

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That's it.

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I knew you could do it, Godfrey.

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Well done, Godfrey. You saved the day.

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-I should never have declared.

-But you did.

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Just wait for the football season, mate!

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We're ready for any challenge, whether it comes from you or across the Channel. Right, men?

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-Three cheers for the losers. Hip, hip...

-HOORAY!

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-And for Godfrey and Wilson. Hip, hip...

-HOORAY!

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SIREN SOUNDS

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Here they come again. To your posts, men, at the double.

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