The Test Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

Stand at ease!

Now I was very disappointed at the turn-out for church parade last Sunday.

I'd just like to remind you that during Dunkirk,

His Majesty the King called for a day of prayer. It worked damn well.

-I was delivering essential supplies to ATS girls.

-Couldn't that wait?

-It was elastic.

-I see.

-For their knickers...

-All right, all right.

I also noticed, Pike, that your hair was too long.

-It's over your collar. Get it cut.

-Yes, but...

Yours is long too, Wilson. You're not a violin player.

-Mum said it looks romantic.

-Frank!

Romantic? Well, I don't see it.

-Now, I've had a letter from the Chief Warden of the ARP.

-If it's about me...

-in the shelter with Mrs Prosser, it's not true.

-I beg your pardon?

She came over a bit faint. I took her down there to recover.

-It's not that!

-If it was...

-Be quiet.

It's to challenge us to a game of cricket.

-I used to be a passable opening bat.

-I'll keep wicket, sir.

I once kept wicket in the rear of the great Ranjitsinhji, sir.

A fine upstanding man till I whipped his bails off.

Made his eyes water a bit, too.

Well, we do need a wicket-keeper.

I'd like a game as well, please.

I can get a couple of reconditioned balls.

-Thank you, Walker.

-As long as I'm not running about...

Near the pavilion. He gets caught short...

-That'll do, Walker. How about you, Frazer?

-Aye, if you explain the principle of it.

Well, we have the nucleus of a team. Shall we play them?

Y-E-S!

-Right, tell them we'll accept, Wilson.

-I will indeed, sir. Who's going to be Captain?

I am.

Now, watch this ball very carefully, Walker.

You were very lucky there.

I want to give you a tip here. This applies to all of you.

Whether you're playing forward to a good length ball, thus...

or whether you're... Wilson, where are you going?

Well, I thought I'd just skip this lecture.

-Skip the...? This is for your benefit too.

-Is it? So sorry.

Or when you're playing a short-length ball...thus...

In any case, you always keep the bat absolutely straight.

-Why?

-Because it's the correct way to do it. If you slash at it, you'll miss the ball.

-But I hit it, didn't I?

-It was luck.

-Oh.

Pike, send me a good length down, will you?

I'm going to put it right there.

Right, Pike.

Pike...

Now, I want you to pay particular attention to the fact that my eye never leaves the ball,

from the bowler's hand to striking the middle of the bat, there.

Sorry about that, Mr Mainwaring.

The sun's very bright today.

You seemed to lose sight of it somewhere, sir.

-Let's see how you shape up, Godfrey.

-Thank you, sir.

-Are there any pads?

-We shan't be sending any fast ones down.

-But my shins chip very easily.

Let's see how you shape up.

Right, send him one down, Pike.

Pike!

-Have you never played this game before?

-Yes, for the gents' outfitters.

We played the tobacco department. I named it Gentlemen versus Players.

-Why did you call it that?

-I was a wag in those days.

I see. Now... the left hand a bit further round.

That's it. Left shoulder further round. Head down. Look up.

Feet a little more apart.

Right arm straight.

Just relax like that for a moment.

All right, Pike. Send one down.

-Right. A googly, or an easy one like you had?

-Just bowl.

Stop! Pike!

Are you all right?

Stupid boy.

Now, we can all learn something from Pike's bowling mistakes.

Your left hand wasn't high enough. It must be up there. Like that.

Let's try that, shall we? Line up here.

-Shall I remain poised for action, sir?

-Stand down.

Right. Cartwheel motion, you see? Over.

Over.

Wilson, pretend you're doing a cartwheel.

-I've never done a cartwheel, sir.

-Never?

-Never in my life.

Extraordinary.

Right, let's see how it works out.

Sorry I'm late. I did a coupon count, then the sausages arrived.

-No excuses. A parade is a parade.

-I put your sausages in your desk.

Thank you, Jones. Just watch it in future.

-Let's get on with the practice.

-Can I take the strike, sir?

-Right.

Thank you. Left, right, left, right.

Left, right, left, right, halt.

Now, pay particular attention to the way I hold the ball.

Finger on the seam, slightly to the left, and note the wrist action.

Very good, Godfrey.

And the final flick of the finger, of course,

which will bring it in from the outside of the off-stump.

We hope.

Stand clear, please.

This ball might fox you a bit, Jones, but you must do what you can with it. There we go.

CRASH OF GLASS

Pike, ask the vicar if we can have our ball back.

-There we are. EC Egan, isn't it?

-That's right.

-I'm Hodges. We spoke on the phone.

-Gerald, meet EC Egan.

-How do you do? Hello, Gerald.

-He bowled Denis Compton, Len Hutton and Joe Hardstaff in two overs.

-And Edrich.

I reckon two overs from him will finish Mainwaring's lot. Wait till you see Mainwaring's face.

Would you mind signing here? That makes you a warden.

All official then.

-What happens if the siren goes?

-You resign.

-Ah, Mr Hodges, have my men arrived?

-No. Probably sleeping on guard somewhere.

-That is not amusing.

-I hear you lot have been practising.

-Hardly. Just getting our form back.

Not for long. When my blokes arrive, send them through, will you?

Gerald, Ernie... You don't mind if I call you Ernie?

Hello, Mr Mainwaring.

-What's that you're wearing?

-I wear it for bowls, it's nice and shady.

-No, no, we can't have that. I'll lend you a cap.

-I got 'em.

-Got what?

-The round things we were talkin' about.

-The cricket balls?

-Yeah. £2.10s each, £4 for the pair.

-I'm not paying that sort of money. Whoever heard of that price for a cricket ball?

-Okay, £2 each.

-You'd sell your own grandmother, wouldn't you?

-There's no market for her.

-Good grief!

-It was old Mr Parkinson. I knew him well.

You can't play cricket like that!

It's all here.

I couldnae go to THAT dressed for this, could I?

-This cap is a little large.

-Well, stuff it with some paper, it'll look fine.

Sorry if I'm a bit late, sir. This bag's rather heavy.

What's that you're wearing?

It's a club I used to belong to.

-A bit dazzling, isn't it?

-One doesn't wear it at the wicket.

-I'm well aware of that, Wilson.

Pike!

-Where are your white flannels?

-Me mum put them in the dolly tub and they shrunk above my knees.

Come here, boy.

Pike!

Now look here, Pike... You're not only a member of the platoon. You're an employee of the bank too.

-Looking like that could jeopardise your entire career. You understand?

-Yes, sir.

I've got a spare pair of flannels. I'll lend them to you.

-Not the sort of thing I like to do. Trousers are a very personal thing. Not to be bandied about.

-No.

They're in my bag. Go and get them.

And take that dreadful eyeshade off.

-Edward G Robinson wears one.

-Not on the cricket field.

-Right. Ready, Captain Mainwaring?

-My boys are ready.

-Boys? Blimey!

-Shall we toss here, or on the pitch?

-We'll do it here.

Just a moment. Shouldn't the umpire do that?

-Oh, it's like that, is it? Where are the umpires?

-Umpires!

-Mr Mainwaring, good afternoon. Shouldn't we have white coats, or something?

-Yes. Jones!

Don't panic. Don't panic.

I'm sorry about the blood stains, but a small piece of kidney got left in the pocket.

-All right, thank you.

-Right, Vicar. You call, Captain. Age before beauty. Age before beauty!

I'm not used to this. Don't worry. It's not real gambling.

-Heads.

-It's tails. You've lost.

-Sorry, Captain. You're fielding.

Looks like a good day for it.

Indeed. Are you in a hurry to get away after the match, Mr Yeatman?

Not particularly, sir. Then remove your bicycle clips.

-It'll be good to hear the sound of willow on leather again, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

-Free men, enjoying a British game. That's what we're fighting for.

-Among other things.

-You managed to get into them, Pike?

-Yes, but you're a bit shorter than I am, and a bit fatter.

Keep your hands in your pockets until the ball's delivered.

-Bowl 'em fast as you like, sir.

-Right, Jones.

We'll take it easy for a couple of overs, then really get on top of it.

Closer, Pike. I often get one with a short catch.

-I might get me head bashed in.

-Do as you're told, Pike.

Well, it's just a touch to the middle.

-That's near enough wi' HIM bowling.

-Ready, Vicar?

Quite ready, Mr Yeatman.

Will you be saying grace, sir?

No, Mr Yeatman. I don't think it's usual.

Right.

Play.

Are you gonna stand there, lad?

-He told me to.

-You'll get your head bashed in.

-Can I move?

No, stay where you are, Pike.

Blimey, I can hear the creaking from here.

Howzat?

Very spectacular, but it's not out.

-I didn't even move.

-If you HAD moved, I'd have had you.

-D'you suppose he's going to do that every time?

-He's very keen.

There we are. All ship-shape and Bristol fashion.

Play!

-Four!

-Just tempting him.

-Don't bother to run singles.

-Six!

-Tempting him again, sir?

-Please can I stand farther away, Mr Mainwaring?

-No.

Look out for a catch this time, Wilson.

I can hardly bear to look.

-WIDE!

-Bad luck, sir.

-Personally, I don't think it was too wide at all.

-Are you doubting my integrity?

No, just your judgement.

Every ball a new adventure.

Are you any relation to Tarzan?

-No ball!

-That was my googly.

-It was a chuck, and don't argue or you'll be sent off.

-You don't send people off in cricket.

-I do.

-I suppose I'm lucky not to have been given off-side?

I'm taking your name for that.

Mainwaring. Gross impertinence and sarcasm.

I wonder what he's got up his sleeve. I wish I was wearing pads.

Howzat, sir?

-How was that, sir?

-Not out, you old fool. Any berk can tell you that.

Jones, come here.

-Sorry, sir.

-Jones, you must make sure he's out of his crease,

-otherwise the vicar will be banging the stumps back all day.

-I'll do that, sir.

Right, let's try again, shall we?

This is more than flesh and blood can stand.

-Run, Gerald, run!

-Catch it, Godfrey!

-Hurry up, Godfrey!

-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I seem to have mislaid the ball.

Frazer, Walker, Pike, come on.

Come on, Gerald, keep it up.

Five...

Six...

Seven...

-Didn't you keep your eye on it, Godfrey?

-It's about here.

Dammit, they're still running.

Eleven...

Twelve...

-How much longer do we have to keep this up?

-Keep running.

-But...

-Just keep running.

Not you.

Fourteen...

Fifteen...

-This is ridiculous.

-This needs the heavy roller on it.

Could we join hands and tread the ground?

Nineteen...

Twenty...

-Tell you what, how about using the other one?

-Oh, all right. Two pounds, is it?

Don't bother. Have it on me.

How was that, sir?

Twenty-four, Mr Blewitt.

I've busted me point with them.

-You can't run 24. It was a lost ball.

-You just threw it in.

-We just found it.

-So it's not lost.

-Play on!

-It's over.

-Oh, all right, over then.

'Owzat!

How was it?

How was that? How was it, sir?

Well, 152 for 4 is not bad, lads. I think we'll declare and let your lot have a bash.

-That gives us three hours. Very sporting of you.

-Yes, indeed.

When you've finished your tea, lads...

-How many overs do you think you'll need to skittle them out. Three or four?

-Oh, about four.

-Where's the little fat chap gonna bat?

-Number one, probably.

-I'll get him with the second ball.

I'm going to enjoy this.

-I'll take first knock, Wilson.

-Naturally. Is Mrs Mainwaring spectating?

-No.

-She's not one for outdoor sports.

-More the indoor type?

-No, I wouldn't say that either.

Close in, lads. We'll probably get a few sitters.

Middle and leg, please, Mr Yeatman.

Can't you make up your mind?

I'm only trying to do what's right. Play!

Just a moment.

Have a good look round. You won't be there long.

He'd have been bowling for England if the war hadn't started.

-Where's he going?

-It's WHERE he comes to you, you want to worry about.

He bowls at 95 miles an hour.

-Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?

-He's not bowling at the stumps, he's bowling at me.

-Ohh!

-What's up?

-Ohh! Me shoulder.

-What are you talking about?

-I shan't be able to bowl again for two weeks.

-Where you goin'?

-I'm goin' off.

Cor blimey! Now we ARE in trouble. Henry, you bowl. Dear, oh dear.

-Serves you right, Hodges. I'm going to enjoy this.

-Play!

Blimey, he's hit it.

OUT!

You're out. LBW. As plain as the nose on your face.

You're out! You're out!

Do try to control your staff, Vicar.

-'Ere, Sgt Wilson's doin' well. That's 81 he's made.

-Y-e-s.

He's had some very narrow escapes.

-That's it. You're in, Godfrey.

-Oh, dear.

We only want five runs to win. Just try not to get out, and perhaps Wilson will scrape them.

-Let me go in again, sir.

-Don't be silly, Jones.

-I could disguise myself.

He'll be out first ball.

He hit it.

Foolish, he should have taken a single and left it to Wilson.

It's going to be a six!

That's it.

I knew you could do it, Godfrey.

Well done, Godfrey. You saved the day.

-I should never have declared.

-But you did.

Just wait for the football season, mate!

We're ready for any challenge, whether it comes from you or across the Channel. Right, men?

-Three cheers for the losers. Hip, hip...

-HOORAY!

-And for Godfrey and Wilson. Hip, hip...

-HOORAY!

SIREN SOUNDS

Here they come again. To your posts, men, at the double.