Mum's Army Dad's Army

My favourite episode, after due consideration of all the programmes,

and there are 80 of them, was one called Mum's Army.

I've been approached by some of the womenfolk,

who want to join us in our fight against the common foe.

For making the tea, and the cocoa, etc.

-Buttons!

-I beg your pardon?

Buttons. Buttons, sir. They could sew on buttons.

Precisely. Yes, that's a very good point, Frazer.

We used to read through the episodes to begin with on Monday,

and when we read through this one, Arthur said he didn't like it.

He said, "Quite honestly,

"if I'd seen this programme before today, I wouldn't have done it."

I said, "For God's sake, you've had the thing a month!

"What have you done with it?

"Why haven't you read it?"

Gradually, I think, because his wife probably spoke to him - she used to

read the scripts for him, and tell him what was good and what wasn't.

And I think, by the end of the week...

By Thursday, he was saying, "This programme is genius."

-I know you fancy yourself as a ladies' man.

-What?

But those women are going to be subjected to the same

discipline as the men, so let's start as we mean to go on.

Well, at least we can be polite to them, sir.

I quite agree with you, but we don't need all this Jack Buchanan stuff.

It was a unique episode, because otherwise, we virtually had

no women at all.

The occasional wife would creep in somehow,

but otherwise they didn't figure.

But it was very good for Frazer, saying,

"She's got lovely big thighs," you know.

"Firm thighs."

May I point out that Miss Ironside here is doing it very, very well?

Her legs are coming together with a firm, strong action.

Just you listen, sir.

Thank you, Frazer.

I hadn't noticed that that girl's got very big thighs, had you?

It was also an opportunity to put Wendy Richard into the show,

as Walker's girlfriend.

Arthur Lowe loved Wendy Richard.

Now, where do you live, Miss Usher... Er... Er...Parish?

-Down Berwick Road. 35.

-Berwick Road.

-Yes. I live with my dad.

He's 6ft 3, so don't you go getting any ideas.

The other thing one had to do was stop him being charming,

cos that was disastrous, when he was trying to be sort of likeable,

and all that sort of thing.

I said, "For God's sake, play it selfish, and he did.

-Christian name?

-Fiona.

-Fiona.

-A pretty name.

-Oh!

-You think so?

-Yes, it's always been one of my favourites.

-Oh, thank you.

I was very lucky to get Carmen Silvera to play Mrs Gray.

She's a lovely actress, and she was so retiring, and so delicate,

the way she played it.

And, of course, ultimately, I used her in 'Allo! 'Allo!

But she was so poignant and so lovely in Mum's Army.

It was a beautiful performance.

Do you always wear glasses?

Yes. Yes, I always have.

Would you take them off for a moment?

If you wish.

Oh, that's so much better.

I think it's more reflective and more sad, in a way,

and more indicative of an awful lot of Mainwaring, Arthur Lowe's talent.

And he was able to express things in that programme, I think,

that he couldn't normally express at all.

But I... I... I don't want you to go.

The whole pattern of my life has changed.

-I just live from one meeting to the next.

-I know.

And I'm just the same, but it's the only thing to do.

-People are talking.

-People always talk. Who cares about that?

A lot of people said it was like Brief Encounter, which it was,

quite honestly.

I'd seen Brief Encounter, and thought it was something that

was very suitable for a programme, just a one-off.

-But there's your wife.

-Nobody will talk to HER.

She hasn't left the house since Munich.

I think it's very much my favourite programme,

and I think everybody will enjoy it. I hope they enjoy it.

It was great fun to do.

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

Platoon, stand at ease!

Atten-SHUN!

-Try and do it with the others, Jonesy.

-Sorry, Sergeant. Sorry.

-Thank you, Wilson.

-Aye, sir.

-Stand at EASE!

I know what's happening, sir.

You see, you're at that end of the line, and your voice of command

takes time to travel through the air.

Yes, well, something like that.

Perhaps if you were to nod your head, sir,

he might catch on a bit quicker.

Yes, sir. If you nod your head, you'll not find me wanting.

We can't get involved in all that.

-Now, pay attention.

-HUP!

-What's the matter, Jones?

-You nodded, so I sprung to it, sir.

We're not doing that now.

Now, I've been approached by some of the womenfolk.

HUP!

What is it now?

I was standing to attention, so I eased myself, sir.

The womenfolk want to join us in our fight against the common foe.

-For making the tea, and the cocoa, etc.

-Buttons!

I beg your pardon?

Buttons. Buttons, sir. They could sew on buttons.

Precisely. Yes, that's a very good point, Frazer.

-Make a note of that, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

-HUP!

-Jones!

Yes, sir, I... Oh, we're not doing the nodding now, are we? Sorry, sir.

-I suppose there will come a time when he'll have to go.

-Yes.

The new girl at the sweet shop is ever so obliging.

Really?

Well, that sounds like the sort of girl we want.

Comforts for the troops(!)

All right, Walker, that'll do. Let's not have any of that sort of talk.

Sir, there's a lassie works for the Gaslight and Coke Company.

She's a sonsie girl wi' big, strong thighs that....

You're right there.

-They're very strong when they've got strong thighs.

-Don't I know it.

Anyway, bring them along tomorrow night. We only need a handful.

And with proper training, they'll release us, the front line,

the fighting troops, to grapple with the enemy.

I don't think Jonesy and Frazer will have much energy left

after grappling with those big, strong thighs.

Walker, I shan't tell you again.

# Run, rabbit! Run, rabbit! Run, run, run... #

-Hello, Wilson.

-Good evening, sir.

-How goes the recruiting?

-Very well. The men have brought quite a few.

-Right, let's bash on. Bring them in.

-I'll find out who's first, sir.

Right, now...

-Sergeant Wilson, this is Mrs Fox.

-Mrs Fox.

-How do you do?

-How do you do? Would you care to step this way?

-Ta, ever so.

-What a very humid day it's been, hasn't it?

-Oh, yes, it has.

-But you look so wonderfully cool.

-Oh!

-Yes, you do. You really do.

-This is Mrs Fox, sir.

-How do you do, Mrs Fox?

-Nicely, thank you.

Mrs Fox is one of my most regular customers, sir.

I'm sure she'll give complete satisfaction, sir.

Yes, thank you very much, Jones.

How terribly rude of me! Do sit down. Do make yourself comfortable.

-Thank you.

-Is there anything I can do for you?

-Would you like a cup of tea?

-Oh, I don't think...

-Wilson!

-The kettle's on. It's no problem.

-Wilson! Wilson, just a minute!

I'd like a word with you outside.

Excuse us, Mrs Fox.

-Yes?

-Look here, Wilson.

-Yes?

-I know you fancy yourself as a ladies' man...

-What?

The women will be subjected

to the same discipline as the men, so let's start as we mean to go on.

-Well, at least we can be polite to them, sir.

-I quite agree with you.

But we don't need all this Jack Buchanan stuff.

-Stick to the matter in hand, shall we?

-All right, then.

-As you say, sir.

-Well, come on, let's get back.

Sorry about that, Mrs Fox.

-Now, the name was Fox.

-Yes.

What's the Christian name?

-Marcia.

-Marcia.

What a pretty name!

Do you really think so?

-I do. It's one of my favourites. I do love that name.

-Wilson!

-Sorry.

Mr Mainwaring, here's my address. I've put my age on the bottom.

I was just telling Mr Mainwaring,

I've put my age on the bottom.

Occupation?

Widow.

Is that an occupation?

-In Mrs Fox's case, I would say it was almost a calling.

-Wilson!

Mrs Fox, would you like to join us?

I didn't know you'd come apart!

That's awfully good! Very funny, Mrs Fox.

Don't you think so, sir? That's a very funny joke.

I'll take that as an affirmative answer. Thank you, Mrs Fox.

-Thanks ever so much, Mr Mainwaring.

-Let me show you out, Mrs Fox.

Mrs Fox has got a very dry wit.

-A what?

-A very dry wit, the way she comes out with the jokes.

This is the young lady I told you about, sir. Ivy Samways.

-Oh, yes.

-I think she's the one, sir, who is so awfully obliging.

Yes, thank you, Wilson.

-Jones!

-Sir?

-You needn't stay.

-Right, thank you, sir.

Now, then, Miss Samways... JONES CLUMPS HIS FEET

You're a shop assistant, aren't you?

Oh, get out, Jones!

You're a shop assistant, aren't you?

What's your address?

SHE WHISPERS

I beg your pardon?

SHE WHISPERS

I'm sorry, I still didn't quite catch that.

-Jutland Drive.

-Oh, Jutland Drive. What number?

SHE WHISPERS

Hm?

SHE WHISPERS

27!

27! Now, Miss Samways,

I wonder what sort of a task we can find for you.

Answering the telephone, do you think, sir?

You're trying my patience rather far today, Wilson.

-She could look after the secret files.

-Thank you, Miss Samways.

Thank you.

-A word, sir.

-Yes?

The lassie from the Gaslight and Coke Company cannae be here tonight,

sir, but she's very keen. Just what we need. A fine, firm-bodied lassie.

Sonsie, you understand, wi' big, strong thighs.

Yes, all right, Frazer. Bring her tomorrow.

I'll do that, sir.

This is a friend of mine, Mr Mainwaring, Edith Parish.

Miss Parish. Have you an occupation?

-Yes, I'm an usherette.

-Yeah, down at the Tivoli cinema.

They're the ones with the torches.

-You must see a lot of pictures.

-Yes, and a lot of other things.

Now, where do you live, Miss Usher... Er... Er...Parish?

Down Berwick Road. 35.

-Berwick Road.

-Yes. I live with my dad.

He's 6ft 3, so don't you go getting any ideas.

That will be all, thank you, Miss Parish.

I'll see she comes round tomorrow.

(You shouldn't have said that.)

-I don't think that's the class of girl we want.

-No, possibly not.

-Any more?

-No, I think that's it.

Send the men home. They had rather a late night last night.

I'll sort some of this out.

All right, sir.

All right, well, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Captain Mainwaring?

-Yes.

-I hear you need women helpers for the Home Guard.

-That's correct.

-Do take a seat.

-Thank you.

I've been told all about this platoon.

I think you've done a wonderful job.

We try to do our best for England in her hour of need.

I'd love to help, just to feel that I was doing something.

Oh, good.

Your face is familiar. Are you a member of the golf club?

No, I'm new here. Mother and I left London to escape the bombing.

-I see.

-I'd love to have stayed, not that I could have done much,

but just being there to show that wretched little Hitler

we're not giving in.

By Jove, that's the sort of talk I like to hear! What name?

-Gray.

-Gray.

-Christian name?

-Fiona.

Fiona... What a pretty name!

Oh, do you think so?

-Yes, it's always been one of my favourites.

-Oh, thank you.

Have you an occupation?

Widow, I suppose, if you can call that an occupation.

I think, in your case, Mrs Gray, it's almost a c...

Widow. And the address?

-31 Wilton Gardens.

-Oh, Wilton Gardens? That's quite close to us.

Yes, I know. I see you go to the bank every morning.

-Do you really?

-And how wonderfully punctual you are!

-We thought you were three minutes late the other day.

-Was I?

-No. The clock was wrong.

-I have to set an example to the youngsters.

Oh, I do agree. All the old standards are declining so rapidly.

Oh, they are. They are indeed.

Yes, well, I mustn't keep you.

Well, shall we say tomorrow night? We usually parade at seven o'clock.

I can't wait to start.

At the moment my life consists of coffee in Anne's Pantry,

-and making the dahlias grow.

-Oh, I love dahlias.

Do you grow them too?

Unfortunately, no. My wife says that they encourage the earwigs.

What a shame! But she's quite right.

Captain Mainwaring, may I ask you something awfully personal?

-Yes?

-Do you always wear glasses?

Yes. Yes, I always have.

Would you take them off for a moment?

If you wish.

Oh, that's so much better!

I think spectacles...

Well, they take away the warmth in a person's eyes,

just as a fireguard takes away so much of the heat.

I suppose they do. I never thought of it that way.

Hello, sir. Still here, I see.

Yes. This is a new recruit, Mrs Fiona Gray.

Fiona? What a pretty name!

Yes, I think I got all the details. Shall we say tomorrow night, then?

-I can't wait to start. Goodbye.

-Goodbye, Mrs Gray.

-Goodbye.

-Now, there's a charming woman.

-I'm sure, sir.

Just the sort of material we need.

You're a pretty good judge of that sort of thing.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how they all shape up.

# Oh, no, it isn't the spring It's love in bloom... #

Are you all right, sir?

Have you lost your glasses?

No, certainly not. Just took them off for a moment.

-Let's get on with it, shall we?

-Right, sir.

Platoon, atten-SHUN!

-Welcome, ladies. LADIES:

-Good evening, Mr Mainwaring.

Today I'll teach you the rudiments of foot drill,

so we can turn out as a disciplined body of men and women.

First, the "at ease" position.

To stand at ease properly, you have the feet comfortably apart,

about 18 inches.

Place the right hand over the left over your bott...er,

in the small of the back. Have you all got that?

-Lot of red tape nonsense!

-No talking in the ranks, Mum.

Pike, no talking in the ranks.

To stand to attention, you place the weight on the right foot,

raise the left...

- I'm doing this in slow motion, you understand -

..then bring it up to the...

-Are you all right, sir?

-Yes, yes.

Bring it up to the right foot, so.

Now, here comes the tricky bit.

At the same time, you put the hands down by the sides,

thumbs in line with the seams of the trousers.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

The ladies aren't wearing trousers, sir.

Cos they're ladies, you see.

Perhaps they could put their thumbs down the side of their knickers.

Walker, fall out! Go and stand over there.

You'll take no further part in this.

I didn't say nothing, did I?

-Let's try that. Give the order, Sergeant.

-Platoon, atten-SHUN!

No, no. That was very sloppy.

-Not you, Mrs Gray. That was very good.

-Thank you.

Now, I want you to stand upright, stomach in, chest out.

Not you, Mrs Fox. That's very good.

Stand at...EASE!

Atten-SHUN!

Captain Mainwaring,

may I point out that Miss Ironside here is doing it very, very well?

Her legs are coming together with a firm, strong action.

Just you listen, sir.

Thank you, Frazer.

I hadn't noticed that that girl has got very big thighs, had you?

-A little bit on the long side, I'd say. That's all, really.

-Yes.

All right, everybody stand to attention.

We come now to the left and right turn.

To turn right, you swivel on the right heel and left toe, thus.

One, two.

One, two. One...

HUMS A DANCE TUNE

Walker! Walker!

You brace the thigh of the rear leg as you go.

That's right, lassies. Brace them thighs.

-I like to see them well braced.

-Frazer!

And you lift the left leg and bring the foot into the right one, thus.

Blimey, what a way to win a war!

The captain knows best. You ought to listen.

Godfrey, look to your front. Stop staring at the ladies.

Quite right. He's woman mad, he is. Woman mad!

Walker, any more from you and you'll be sent home.

Right, everybody face the front.

Atten-SHUN!

Very good, Mrs Gray.

Left TURN!

-There's some confusion.

-Yes, I know.

It's the same as in the American Civil War they had over in America.

They had trouble cos the soldiers were country yokels,

and didn't know their, ahem, from their elbow.

They got an ingenious idea.

They tied some straw to one boot and some hay to the other.

When the commanding man wanted to turn left, he shouted, "Hay turn!"

Or, alternatively, "Straw turn,"

depending on whether the straw was on the left foot or right.

They organised themselves so all the men had the straw

on the left foot or... Is that any use to you, sir?

I think that's a good idea, sir.

You can say, "Ladies, what nice straws you're wearing."

That's it! Get off home!

What have I said?

Don't argue! That's an order!

# There will always be an England, While there's a country lane... #

HE HUMS TO HIMSELF

-Good morning, Captain Mainwaring.

-Good morning. What a surprise.

-Won't you join me?

-Thank you. I haven't seen you in here before.

Oh, I get in from time to time,

you know, when I can get my nose away from the grindstone.

-Yes, please?

-Ah, thank you.

Oh, no, none of that. I beg your pardon.

-No, thank you. Just coffee for me, please.

-Yes, just coffee, please.

-They once did Devonshire teas here.

-With jam and cream?

Oh, yes. Just after the First World War,

another chap and I took a spin out here just for a Devonshire tea.

I got the rough end of my governor's tongue, I can tell you.

He thought I'd toddled off with a bit of fluff.

It was all harmless fun then.

Yes, of course it was.

Mind you, we used to set the pace now and again.

Your face lights up when you laugh.

I think you're really a very jolly person at heart.

Oh! Yes, I suppose I am, really.

Not that a bank manager gets much time for joking and jesting.

-Separate bills?

-Yes, please.

No, please, have this with me.

-Good morning, captain.

-Hm? Godfrey, is it?

-I haven't seen you in here before.

-Oh, I come in from time to time.

I'm just on my way to the clinic. Have you mislaid your glasses?

No, just resting my eyes.

If you'll excuse me.

Charming man, that. One of my most loyal soldiers.

They're all wonderful.

Captain, I haven't seen you here before.

Oh, I come in from time to time.

Have you bust your specs? I know a fella with 500 pairs.

-Hardly used.

-I haven't broken them.

-Oh.

-Listen, you haven't seen me. I'm delivering some of the sweet stuff.

-Sugar?

-Shush! You haven't seen me.

Oh, by the way, I haven't seen you, either. You know what I mean?

Don't worry.

Heart of gold, that man.

Do anything to you... Er, FOR you.

Whereabouts in London do you live?

Near Regent's Park.

It was hopeless for mother.

They had the ack-ack guns there... Oh, that was careless talk.

Don't worry. Any secret is safe with me.

Morning, Mr Mainwaring.

Don't often see you in here.

I come in from time... Never mind.

I'll join you in a minute.

-Mrs Prosser, Captain Mainwaring.

-How do you do?

-This is Mrs Gray.

-How do you do?

Mrs Prosser's a very good friend of mine, but there's nothing in it.

-I see.

-Don't tell Mrs Fox, though.

I give her pieces for her cat and on her part,

-she keeps me company from time to time.

-Yes.

-Thank you, Jones.

-Thank you.

Sorry about all that. I had looked forward to a quiet chat.

So had I.

I must confess, I came in here deliberately

on the off-chance of seeing you.

I rather hoped you would.

Pike? What do you want?

Mr Wilson says he's sorry to spoil your tete-a-tete,

-but the bank inspectors are here and would you come at once?

-Yes.

I'm afraid I'll have to dash away. I'm sorry.

-Perhaps we could meet again, very soon.

-I'd like that.

-See you on parade tonight.

-Of course. I look forward to it.

Sorry I have to go.

Two coffees? That'll be eightpence, please.

All I'm saying is that Mainwaring's making a perfect fool of himself.

They came twice to see Forty Little Mothers, with Eddie Cantor,

and once to see Shipyard Sally, with Gracie Fields.

-They have coffee every morning.

-I haven't seen them.

They go to the Dutch Oven now. I have to fetch him if he's needed.

It's absolutely...

I tell ye, he'll ruin himself. Somebody ought to tell him.

-Hello, Wilson.

-Sir.

-Nearly time for parade?

-Yes, just a few minutes' time.

-Good.

-I've got an announcement to make to the Ladies Section.

-Ah, the ladies.

I've been meaning to have a word with you about that, sir.

-Some time.

-Yes?

-I know it's none of my business, sir,

but unless I say something about it, who will?

Look here, Wilson, if you've got something to say,

stop shuffling about from one foot to the other, and just cough it up.

Are you in some sort of trouble?

What? Oh, no, sir. Not at all. Good Lord, no.

It's just with the Ladies Section, do you think it's possible that...

some of us might possibly be making tiny little fools of ourselves?

Ah, I see.

-Thank you for your frankness, Wilson.

-Aye, sir.

Can't have been easy for you to speak to me on so delicate a matter.

No, sir, no. I thought it was for the best, you know.

-I am not insensitive to what people are saying, Wilson.

-No, sir.

I am therefore going to disband the Ladies Section,

with the exception of a few special helpers.

-I see, sir. Yes.

-All right?

-Mm-hm.

Well, that should settle your problem,

and keep Mrs Pike out of your hair.

Everybody here, corporal?

All present and correct, sir, except Mrs Gray.

Mrs Gray not here? Strange. Perhaps she's a bit under the weather.

Favouritism.

Ivy saw her going to the station with two heavy suitcases.

-To the station?

-Ten minutes ago.

Mrs Gray went to the station with two suitcases?

There's only one train now, and that's the 8:40 to London.

-Take the parade, Wilson.

-What?

Would you like me to make the announcement, sir?

-DOOR SLAMS

-Oh, Lord!

-Not too strong, please.

-Not much chance of that, dear.

-Anything else?

-No, thank you.

-Just tuppence, then.

DOOR OPENS

What's this? What's happened?

Nothing's happened. I'm just going back to London.

-For how long?

-I don't know. A month or two. Perhaps for good.

But you never mentioned it. You never even hinted at it.

-I thought it would be for the best.

-But I... I don't want you to go.

The whole pattern of my life has changed.

I just live from one meeting to the next.

I know. I'm the same. But it's the only thing to do.

People are talking.

-People always talk. Who cares about that?

-But there's your wife...

Nobody will talk to HER.

She hasn't left the house since Munich.

Be sensible, George. You can't afford scandal. There's the bank...

-Damn the bloody bank!

-George!

-I'm sorry.

Look, don't get that train.

-George, I must.

-I implore you, don't. We'll meet once a week.

You're making this difficult. I've made up my mind. It's the only way.

Victoria! Victoria!

There's my train.

Look, Fiona, I've never begged anything from anyone in my life,

but I'm begging you not to go.

-Finished with this chair, sir?

-Yes, take the damn thing!

-I'm sorry, George.

-I'll take that. It's heavy.

Can't we talk about this? Go tomorrow.

Walmington-on-Sea!

Make way for this lady, would you?

Hurry along, please!

Here, I'll do that.

Hurry up, or you'll be coming, too.

-Where can I get in touch with you?

-You won't be able to.

-Will you write?

-I don't know.

-After a little while, perhaps.

-Stand clear, sir.

-Pull those blinds down!

-Promise you'll write.

Very well. I promise.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Make it soon.

-Goodbye, George.

(Goodbye, Fiona.)