Uninvited Guests Dad's Army


Uninvited Guests

Classic wartime comedy. When HQ is bombed, the wardens have to share the church hall with the Home Guard, despite Captain Mainwaring's disapproval.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening

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# And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think

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# You are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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In modern warfare, communications are vital.

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So I've sent a strong letter to the War Office demanding wireless sets.

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-What happened to that very strong letter demanding Bren guns?

-We're not discussing guns.

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Now, in the event of the wirelesses not arriving before Adolf kicks off,

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we'll capture some from his first wave.

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-Sir! I'd like to be in charge of the Nazi wireless capturing party.

-We can come to that much later on.

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I suggest we use bayonets,

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-so we do not destroy the wirelesses with bullets.

-Good suggestion.

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Now, having obtained a set, how do we send a message?

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They usually say, "Calling all cars! Stick-up at the Nag's Head!"

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-I don't think that would help us.

-It'll be a stick-up when Jonesy gets let loose with his bayonet!

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I've studied the correct procedure,

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so if you pick up your wirelesses,

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I'll show you.

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Incidentally,

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I'm grateful to those who supplied the cocoa tins. I believe some had Old English Humbugs in!

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-I lost a filling eating a humbug.

-Toffees are worse.

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-I broke my upper set on one!

-I choked on a gobstopper!

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That's right, Frank. I'd forgotten.

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-Uncle banged me on the back! Mum hit him for banging too hard.

-Don't let's go into this!

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-Marshmallows.

-I beg your pardon?

-Marshmallows kinder on the teeth.

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Good. Now, as you will remember from your childhood,

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if you speak in the tin at one end,

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you hear the voice in the other tin,

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provided you keep the string absolutely tight.

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Turkish Delight was nice and soft!

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Frazer! What have I just said?

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-It must be absolutely tight.

-I asked Frazer!

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Er...sorry, my mind was wandering.

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Now, with a wireless set, you cannot speak and hear at the same time,

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so the correct procedure must be adopted. So if you just hang on...

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Right, sir.

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Thank you, Jones.

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Now, when we first switch the set on,

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we're in the listening position.

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I think I can hear the sea.

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Sorry, sir. My communication cord's a bit short.

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Everybody in listening position!

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I can hear the sea!

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-He must have a pilchard tin!

-Wilson!

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-Sorry. There's a humbug stuck to the bottom. I'd like to have it.

-Poke it out.

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-Leave it where it is for the time being!

-All right. Sorry, sir.

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I put the microphone to my mouth and speak into it. Thus.

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MUFFLED VOICE

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Is that clear?

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I never heard a single word.

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I heard your voice through the tin. It was terribly good!

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I said, "Hello, all stations, Charlie One.

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"Report my signals, all stations, Charlie One. Over."

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-What's Charlie One?

-Charlie One is Sergeant Wilson's call sign.

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-How do we know who's who?

-Simple. Wilson's Charlie One, Frazer's Charlie Two,

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you're Charlie Three, and so on.

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If you speak to me, why don't you say Charlie Two?

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-YOU'D say that if you spoke to me.

-So I'd say hello to me?

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-No, to ME.

-Why don't I say, "Hello, Charlie One"?

-Because that's not how it's done!

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Excuse me. Are we all Charlie Ones, too?

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For the time being, all this side is headquarters and we're all saying, "Hello, Charlie One".

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Sir, my name really IS Charlie.

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Does that make any difference?

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No. Now, come along. All together.

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CHORUS OF MUFFLED VOICES

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Yes, that wasn't really very good, was it?

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Why can't we use boy scouts, sir?

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They run fast and nip through holes in hedges. They're good at that.

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Shall we have another go?

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-Hello, Mr Yateman.

-Hello, Mr Hodges.

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-Sorry to hear about your HQ.

-Blown to bits!

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-Did you suffer any loss?

-Only my spare trousers.

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-Lucky you wasn't in them!

-You're telling me!

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-The Lord watches over you!

-Yes, I was in the boozer!

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He moves in a mysterious way.

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-Yes. Is Napoleon in?

-Yes, but don't let him worry you,

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because the vicar says you can use his office.

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I shouldn't have any trouble.

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You must have somewhere to do your air raid precautions, mustn't you?

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-Thank you.

-I'm very glad your lot are here.

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It's been all tribulation with Mainwaring.

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-What's tribulation?

-Well, it's... Get off!

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We'll follow with you, Wilson.

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Did you know that if you pull these through in a certain way,

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they make a noise like a chicken about to pass an egg?

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RATTLING

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SQUAWKING

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Heavens above!

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All right!

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LOUD SQUAWKING

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Cor blimey! What are you teaching them? Cat's cradle?

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Come on.

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Just a minute! >

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What do you think you're doing?

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I think you and I should have a talk.

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-I don't wish to speak to you.

-Well, you have to.

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Take over, Wilson. Hold that, Jones.

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-Now, look here!

-No, you look here!

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-My HQ are out of action. I have official permission to use these premises.

-On whose authority?

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I'm a reasonable sort of man.

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We've had our differences, but we ARE on the same side.

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I want to be generous. I don't want to be stand-offish. I'll go shares with you.

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Look. This half here, with your chair, you can have.

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This half here is me. Right?

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Draw a line like this... down the wall.

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Just a moment. What are you doing?!

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When it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff there, I keep mine here.

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How DARE you mark my desk?!

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I'm only trying to be fair and reasonable.

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I can chalk quicker than you can rub!

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That'll be enough of that!

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You probably noticed both the doors are in my half. I want to be fair,

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so I'll chalk a line on the floor.

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-That's Tom Tiddler's ground.

-I've had enough!

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You're on my bit. Get off!

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I have to insist that

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the phone is on my side.

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That's my communication artery.

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If Hitler comes,

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that's how I'll know.

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It's MY artery when a siren sounds.

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If Hitler comes, I'll take a message.

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That stays there! I'll give you five seconds to get out of my office.

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-One, two, three, four, five.

-Oh!

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Right!

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Wilson! Jones!

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Escort this person from my HQ.

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I'm staying. This is MY HQ.

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-Carry my orders out!

-Would you mind leaving?

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I've got official permission in black and white.

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If you don't get out, you'll get this right up you and you will not like it!

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-Now, look here, Gandhi!

-What?!

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Look! You haven't heard the last of this!

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Well done.

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-They don't like cold steel, sir. Most of them cannot countenance it!

-Let's resume our lecture.

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He's done it this time! >

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What is it? You look like a soul in torment!

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Fetch the vicar! It's Mainwaring! I'm having a funny turn!

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-I'll get the vicar.

-He threatened me!

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-Never!

-With a bayonet!

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He who liveth by the sword shall die by the sword. That goes for bayonets, an' all!

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Now, you're not going "over" when I say "over".

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Let's do it in turns. My file first, then Wilson's file afterwards.

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-One, two, three...

-TOGETHER: Over.

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TOGETHER: Over.

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Over.

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Over.

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Much better.

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-I've got it! Can I do it on my own?

-We're not ready yet.

-Let me go solo!

-Oh, very well.

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Should be good!

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Hello, all stations, Charlie One...

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Report my signals, all stations, Charlie One. Over.

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Blimey! >

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-Very good, Jones.

-Thank you, sir.

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-You got it quite correct.

-Thank you.

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-I bet they thought I couldn't do it!

-You did it beautiful.

-I'm not such a fool as I may think I am!

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Let's try again. Tighten your strings.

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Now, keep...

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I gave Mr Hodges permission to use my office. I hear he's been molested!

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I'm busy. I'll see you in my office later.

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It's not YOUR office. It's MINE, and I have lent it to Mr Hodges.

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I told him!

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You are interrupting vital training. Kindly go away!

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-I will not. Kindly get your bits of string out of my way!

-I will not.

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-I'll tell the Bishop!

-Don't be so damned childish!

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-Don't profane His Reverence!

-Don't be impertinent!

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So that's the way it is, is it? Follow me, Vicar.

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I think it's a cheek, Hodges using this as his HQ.

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Mainwaring's tried to co-operate, but what can you do with a common bloke like Hodges?

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-Yes, he is common.

-I can't stand common people.

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You're not being quite fair. Mr Hodges does a good job. And it's dangerous, too.

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He might do it well, but he does it uncouth!

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If only Mr Mainwaring would put a curse on him.

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How can he put a curse on anybody?

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-I've seen it done.

-When?

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Nigh on 50 years ago, when I was trading coral in the South Seas with a friend of mine.

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Is that the one that got eaten by a squid?

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No, son. It was a different friend.

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Jethro, his name was.

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One day, we were anchored off a wee island,

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about 20 miles west of Samoa.

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Jethro told me he'd heard there was a ruined temple in the centre of the island,

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with a huge idol

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that had a ruby the size of a duck's egg set in its forehead.

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So he was determined to get it.

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As soon as it was dark, we rowed ashore, armed to the teeth.

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We set off through the jungle to find the temple.

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After about two hours hacking our way through the undergrowth,

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we came to a clearing.

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There was a temple a ruined temple,

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covered with jungle creepers.

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The place was deserted.

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We crept inside...

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and there it was,

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a huge idol

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with a great ruby

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in its forehead.

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As the shafts of moonlight

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struck down through the holes in the roof,

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it BURNED like fire!

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Jethro...

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gave a cry of triumph,

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jumped up on the idol and hacked the ruby out of its forehead with his knife.

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All this time, I could feel eyes -

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horrible, unseen eyes

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staring at us.

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I could stand it no longer.

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I shouted, "Let's get out!" and we turned to go.

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Then...we saw it.

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Barring our way in the doorway...

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..was the witch-doctor.

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He gave a scream that turned my blood to ice!

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He shook a bunch of bones

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in Jethro's face. And he cursed him!

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After all these years, I can...

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I can still hear that terrible curse.

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"Death!" he screamed.

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"Death!

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"The ruby will bring ye death!

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"DEATH!"

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Did the curse come true, Mr Frazer?

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Aye, son. It did.

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He died

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last year. He was 86.

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Right, men. Fall in.

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Do as the officer says. Fall in in three lines.

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Take the mark from me.

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Thank you, Corporal.

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Now, I've had a word with Area HQ, the civil defence people,

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and the Secretary of the Council, who happens to be a fellow Rotarian.

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I've given them a piece of my mind, and these ARP people will soon be cleared out of here.

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-But not this week.

-All right! I'll tell them.

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In the meantime, you must behave in a true Christian manner

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and, as far as possible, ignore them.

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HODGES: Left, right, left, right, right wheel...

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HE MIMICS PARADE GROUND ORDERS

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Mark time!

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Halt!

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Left turn!

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Mark right dress!

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Home Guard, left dress!

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-Enough of that!

-You started it.

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-You're on my half.

-I have more troops.

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Troops?! Cor blimey the Bath Chair Fusiliers!

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Would you like a bunch of fives up the 'ooter?

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I think he's already had one.

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That's brave(!) Ten to one!

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This town's not big enough for both of us.

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Don't start anything!

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How dare you push me?!

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AIR RAID SIREN

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-Saved by the bell!

-I'll sort you out later! Mrs Cole on the telephone, Mrs Robinson, the incident map.

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Make up your defence points.

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Medical team on patrol.

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-Light the fire. It gets parky later.

-Jones, keep your sector in reserve.

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And keep that over your side!

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Look, Hodges,

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I'm doing my best to tolerate your presence, but you're insufferable!

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The wood's damp and the chimney's cold. You want a firelighter.

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I haven't got any.

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That'll start it before you can say "gunpowder". That'll be ninepence.

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Joe! That's trading with the enemy!

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Yes... Yes... Let me have a report in the morning.

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Right.

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Oi! Cut it out! Not during an alert.

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-I'll be receiving a constant stream of reports.

-And I'll be receiving my orders.

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PHONE RINGS

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IN A REFINED VOICE: Walmington ARP.

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Number One Platoon HQ, Walmington Home Guard!

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-Yes... It is for you, Captain.

-Of course!

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Good evening, sir. Mainwaring here.

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Oh...

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Hello, Elizabeth.

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You can pack that in, carrying on chats with your bits of stuff!

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-It is my good lady!

-Well, cut it short.

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No, no... What?

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I can't come home!

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Why don't you sit in the cupboard under the stairs, as usual?

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I'm sure a bomb is far more dangerous than a mouse.

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Look, careless talk costs lives!

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Try again.

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I expect some sparrow has laid a nest up there. They do a lot of that

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-up the chimney.

-Good. We can have roast sparrow. Very tasty.

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That's better!

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-What are those made of?

-Incendiary bombs that were damaged by fire.

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What's this?! That stove is not be ignited without the vicar's consent.

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-It's only a fire.

-There will be a rumpus.

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-Who lit it?

-The wardens.

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The wardens? Did they?

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Cheers the fireplace up, doesn't it?

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Well, perhaps if you made a noise, the mouse would jump down the hole.

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Leave the mouse where it is and you jump down the hole, missus!

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-How dare you?!

-That wasn't very kind.

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Keep out of this. The raid's been on ten minutes

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and I haven't received a report yet!

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PHONE RINGS Hello... Yes.

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Righto. Thank you.

0:19:440:19:45

Mr Yeldon is standing by.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello. Chimney on fire?

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Give me the details.

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Yes, fine.

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Get this down, Mrs Cole.

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That's the end, dear.

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We can't have a vital communication channel blocked by domestic trivia!

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It's not trivia. An enemy bomber could see it miles away.

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Where? A large building next to the church in Mortimer Road.

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Ready.

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A large building next to...

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A large...

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A large building...

0:20:210:20:23

A large building...

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Worse than your lot, she is! Mortimer Road.

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Road...

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Road!

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Get onto the fire brigade!

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-What do you think you're up to?

-We're busy, Vicar.

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Do you realise you've set the chimney on fire?

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The stove is a raging fiery furnace!

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Fiery furnace? Just a minute!

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THIS is a large building next to the church!

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Cor blimey! Get out the way!

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-He lit it!

-It was his firelighters.

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Normally, they don't burn!

0:20:580:21:00

-Do something!

-Nanny used to put salt on fires!

0:21:000:21:04

It's a fire, not a pigeon!

0:21:040:21:07

Shall I ask the firemen to pop round?

0:21:080:21:10

And make us a laughing stock? Say it's a false alarm.

0:21:100:21:15

-Up the tower!

-With the pumps?

-Yes.

-Come on, men!

0:21:150:21:18

Mr Mainwaring! If you have the key to the cupboard, I'll bring bandages.

0:21:180:21:23

Bog peat, Mr Mainwaring!

0:21:230:21:26

-A barrow of bog peat would put that fire out.

-Do be sensible!

0:21:260:21:31

Mr Mainwaring!

0:21:310:21:33

Captain!

0:21:330:21:35

-Captain Mainwaring!

-What is it, Jones?

0:21:350:21:38

-The chimney's on fire, sir.

-I know that!

0:21:380:21:41

Lean out and you'll see it's like a roman candle all the sparks.

0:21:410:21:46

But be careful. There's a 40-foot drop.

0:21:460:21:50

Aargh!

0:21:500:21:52

Thank you, Mr Mainwaring.

0:21:550:21:58

You saved my life. I won't forget that.

0:21:580:22:01

Get out of the way. Pike, give me a lift up.

0:22:010:22:05

-Get inside, Jones.

-I can't, sir.

0:22:050:22:07

I'm sitting on the window catch and it's made of cold steel.

0:22:070:22:12

Each time I move, it goes in a funny position. I don't like it, sir.

0:22:120:22:17

Now, look! There's a ledge out here.

0:22:180:22:21

I'm going to inch along and see if I can get to the roof.

0:22:210:22:26

What's going on? Out the way! This is an ARP matter.

0:22:260:22:30

-I'm in an embarrassing position.

-What?

0:22:300:22:33

-His trousers are hooked.

-Then get them off!

0:22:330:22:37

-Not in front of His Reverence!

-Get them off!

0:22:370:22:41

-Stop it! Stop it!

-Get your trousers off!

0:22:410:22:44

What's going on? Leave him alone!

0:22:440:22:47

They want to take my trousers off.

0:22:470:22:49

Don't be neurotic, Jones.

0:22:490:22:52

Wilson! There's a gap between the tower and roof. Hand me a plank and I'll put it across.

0:22:520:22:59

Why should I have a plank?

0:22:590:23:01

-Here's a ladder. What about that?

-Well done. Shove it out.

0:23:010:23:06

Ooh! Aah!

0:23:060:23:08

-I've released myself. It's quite all right, sir.

-Get out of the way.

0:23:080:23:13

He's not very nice, is he?

0:23:130:23:16

WALKER: I can't do it that way.

0:23:160:23:18

THEY ALL GIVE EACH OTHER ORDERS

0:23:180:23:22

Aargh!

0:23:220:23:24

Get it back inside.

0:23:240:23:27

-Thank you, Mr Mainwaring. You saved my life. I won't forget that!

-Grab the ladder.

0:23:290:23:36

HODGES: Hurry up! A German bomber will see that fire for miles.

0:23:360:23:42

All right. Careful. Careful.

0:23:420:23:45

Aargh!

0:23:450:23:46

Jones, get up!

0:23:460:23:49

Thank you, sir. You saved my life again.

0:23:490:23:53

Come on!

0:23:530:23:54

-Right, sir.

-Mind that crumbling bit on the corner.

0:23:540:23:59

Blimey! I don't like this!

0:24:000:24:02

I get verdigris terrible!

0:24:020:24:04

Where are you going with that sand?

0:24:080:24:10

I've polished that hall for 30 years.

0:24:100:24:14

I can't see it go up in flames.

0:24:140:24:16

Right. I think it's firm enough now.

0:24:160:24:19

Right, sir. I'll test it. I'll test the ladder.

0:24:190:24:23

Hurry up, you old fool. And don't talk so much.

0:24:230:24:27

When you get on the other side,

0:24:270:24:29

edge your way along the roof

0:24:290:24:32

and see if you can reach the chimney.

0:24:320:24:35

-Right, sir.

-Pike. Walker.

0:24:350:24:38

Get down on the catwalk and see if you can work your pump from there.

0:24:380:24:43

They need water.

0:24:430:24:46

There are buckets in the hall.

0:24:460:24:48

-Aren't you coming, sir?

-No, I'm going to pass it through.

0:24:480:24:53

Come on, Grandad. Hurry up!

0:24:530:24:56

Mr Mainwaring!

0:24:590:25:00

Mr Mainwaring!

0:25:000:25:02

If I had a...

0:25:020:25:04

If I had a bucket of water,

0:25:040:25:07

I could go down the chimney.

0:25:070:25:09

Pass the word back for water.

0:25:090:25:12

Hurry up! Hurry up!

0:25:120:25:15

More!

0:25:150:25:16

Oh, Lord!

0:25:160:25:18

Water coming. >

0:25:180:25:19

-Water coming.

-Right, sir.

0:25:190:25:22

Water coming!

0:25:230:25:25

Water coming!

0:25:250:25:27

Water coming!

0:25:270:25:29

More water!

0:25:350:25:37

VERGER: I've got a bucket of sand.

0:25:390:25:42

Argh!

0:25:420:25:44

Missed!

0:25:520:25:54

How much more?! You ready, Joe?

0:25:550:25:58

Yeah, almost.

0:25:580:26:00

You're not having this one! I'll do it.

0:26:000:26:03

Oh, no!

0:26:030:26:04

More water!

0:26:040:26:06

Start pumping, Joe.

0:26:060:26:08

More water. More water. Send more water. >

0:26:080:26:11

More water!

0:26:110:26:13

You saved my life!

0:26:250:26:27

You remind me of Mr Mainwaring.

0:26:290:26:32

More water! Come along! More water!

0:26:330:26:36

All right, sir. Quick as we can. >

0:26:360:26:38

It's your church, Vicar. Get it yourself.

0:26:380:26:42

-I quite agree!

-Get some more water.

0:26:420:26:44

Mr Mainwaring!

0:26:480:26:50

If I slide down the roof,

0:26:500:26:53

I can get next to the chimney.

0:26:530:26:56

I will draw myself up to my full height,

0:26:560:26:59

and pour the water down the chimney.

0:26:590:27:01

Don't talk so much. Get on with it.

0:27:010:27:04

Right away, sir.

0:27:040:27:06

Ooh! Ooh!

0:27:080:27:10

It's hot! It's hot in a funny place!

0:27:120:27:15

I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

0:27:170:27:20

I'll put you out. Start pumping, Joe.

0:27:200:27:24

Mr Mainwaring!

0:27:320:27:34

What?

0:27:340:27:36

-I think they've put me out.

-Good.

0:27:360:27:38

-VERGER: The fire's out!

-How did that happen?

0:27:380:27:42

When I went down, I put some salt on it.

0:27:420:27:45

Well done, my men. Get back to the tower.

0:27:450:27:49

YOU be careful! This ladder's poised delicately...

0:27:490:27:53

I'm afraid it's smashed to smithereens. >

0:27:540:27:57

You'll have to stay there a wee while.

0:27:570:28:00

Wilson! Go to the builder's yard and get a ladder.

0:28:000:28:05

It'll take ages. Get the fire brigade.

0:28:050:28:07

-Not likely!

-But I'm soaking wet!

0:28:070:28:10

Well, you shouldn't throw water around like a six year old!

0:28:100:28:14

-You wouldn't say that if you was as wet as I was!

-Oh, yes, I would!

0:28:140:28:17

THUNDER ROARS

0:28:170:28:20

Now's your chance to try!

0:28:200:28:24

-Wilson!

-What is it now?

0:28:250:28:27

If the fire brigade isn't busy, perhaps they would pop around.

0:28:270:28:32

When HQ is bombed, the wardens have to share the church hall with the Home Guard, despite Captain Mainwaring's disapproval. The wardens are terribly disruptive and decide to start a fire since it is a bit draughty in the hall. Wilson suggests they put some salt on the fire. After it is lit the fire won't go out - causing even more mayhem.


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