Uninvited Guests Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening

# And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think

# You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

In modern warfare, communications are vital.

So I've sent a strong letter to the War Office demanding wireless sets.

-What happened to that very strong letter demanding Bren guns?

-We're not discussing guns.

Now, in the event of the wirelesses not arriving before Adolf kicks off,

we'll capture some from his first wave.

-Sir! I'd like to be in charge of the Nazi wireless capturing party.

-We can come to that much later on.

I suggest we use bayonets,

-so we do not destroy the wirelesses with bullets.

-Good suggestion.

Now, having obtained a set, how do we send a message?

They usually say, "Calling all cars! Stick-up at the Nag's Head!"

-I don't think that would help us.

-It'll be a stick-up when Jonesy gets let loose with his bayonet!

I've studied the correct procedure,

so if you pick up your wirelesses,

I'll show you.

Incidentally,

I'm grateful to those who supplied the cocoa tins. I believe some had Old English Humbugs in!

-I lost a filling eating a humbug.

-Toffees are worse.

-I broke my upper set on one!

-I choked on a gobstopper!

That's right, Frank. I'd forgotten.

-Uncle banged me on the back! Mum hit him for banging too hard.

-Don't let's go into this!

-Marshmallows.

-I beg your pardon?

-Marshmallows kinder on the teeth.

Good. Now, as you will remember from your childhood,

if you speak in the tin at one end,

you hear the voice in the other tin,

provided you keep the string absolutely tight.

Turkish Delight was nice and soft!

Frazer! What have I just said?

-It must be absolutely tight.

-I asked Frazer!

Er...sorry, my mind was wandering.

Now, with a wireless set, you cannot speak and hear at the same time,

so the correct procedure must be adopted. So if you just hang on...

Right, sir.

Thank you, Jones.

Now, when we first switch the set on,

we're in the listening position.

I think I can hear the sea.

Sorry, sir. My communication cord's a bit short.

Everybody in listening position!

I can hear the sea!

-He must have a pilchard tin!

-Wilson!

-Sorry. There's a humbug stuck to the bottom. I'd like to have it.

-Poke it out.

-Leave it where it is for the time being!

-All right. Sorry, sir.

I put the microphone to my mouth and speak into it. Thus.

MUFFLED VOICE

Is that clear?

I never heard a single word.

I heard your voice through the tin. It was terribly good!

I said, "Hello, all stations, Charlie One.

"Report my signals, all stations, Charlie One. Over."

-What's Charlie One?

-Charlie One is Sergeant Wilson's call sign.

-How do we know who's who?

-Simple. Wilson's Charlie One, Frazer's Charlie Two,

you're Charlie Three, and so on.

If you speak to me, why don't you say Charlie Two?

-YOU'D say that if you spoke to me.

-So I'd say hello to me?

-No, to ME.

-Why don't I say, "Hello, Charlie One"?

-Because that's not how it's done!

Excuse me. Are we all Charlie Ones, too?

For the time being, all this side is headquarters and we're all saying, "Hello, Charlie One".

Sir, my name really IS Charlie.

Does that make any difference?

No. Now, come along. All together.

CHORUS OF MUFFLED VOICES

Yes, that wasn't really very good, was it?

Why can't we use boy scouts, sir?

They run fast and nip through holes in hedges. They're good at that.

Shall we have another go?

-Hello, Mr Yateman.

-Hello, Mr Hodges.

-Sorry to hear about your HQ.

-Blown to bits!

-Did you suffer any loss?

-Only my spare trousers.

-Lucky you wasn't in them!

-You're telling me!

-The Lord watches over you!

-Yes, I was in the boozer!

He moves in a mysterious way.

-Yes. Is Napoleon in?

-Yes, but don't let him worry you,

because the vicar says you can use his office.

I shouldn't have any trouble.

You must have somewhere to do your air raid precautions, mustn't you?

-Thank you.

-I'm very glad your lot are here.

It's been all tribulation with Mainwaring.

-What's tribulation?

-Well, it's... Get off!

We'll follow with you, Wilson.

Did you know that if you pull these through in a certain way,

they make a noise like a chicken about to pass an egg?

RATTLING

SQUAWKING

Heavens above!

All right!

LOUD SQUAWKING

Cor blimey! What are you teaching them? Cat's cradle?

Come on.

Just a minute! >

What do you think you're doing?

I think you and I should have a talk.

-I don't wish to speak to you.

-Well, you have to.

Take over, Wilson. Hold that, Jones.

-Now, look here!

-No, you look here!

-My HQ are out of action. I have official permission to use these premises.

-On whose authority?

I'm a reasonable sort of man.

We've had our differences, but we ARE on the same side.

I want to be generous. I don't want to be stand-offish. I'll go shares with you.

Look. This half here, with your chair, you can have.

This half here is me. Right?

Draw a line like this... down the wall.

Just a moment. What are you doing?!

When it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff there, I keep mine here.

How DARE you mark my desk?!

I'm only trying to be fair and reasonable.

I can chalk quicker than you can rub!

That'll be enough of that!

You probably noticed both the doors are in my half. I want to be fair,

so I'll chalk a line on the floor.

-That's Tom Tiddler's ground.

-I've had enough!

You're on my bit. Get off!

I have to insist that

the phone is on my side.

That's my communication artery.

If Hitler comes,

that's how I'll know.

It's MY artery when a siren sounds.

If Hitler comes, I'll take a message.

That stays there! I'll give you five seconds to get out of my office.

-One, two, three, four, five.

-Oh!

Right!

Wilson! Jones!

Escort this person from my HQ.

I'm staying. This is MY HQ.

-Carry my orders out!

-Would you mind leaving?

I've got official permission in black and white.

If you don't get out, you'll get this right up you and you will not like it!

-Now, look here, Gandhi!

-What?!

Look! You haven't heard the last of this!

Well done.

-They don't like cold steel, sir. Most of them cannot countenance it!

-Let's resume our lecture.

He's done it this time! >

What is it? You look like a soul in torment!

Fetch the vicar! It's Mainwaring! I'm having a funny turn!

-I'll get the vicar.

-He threatened me!

-Never!

-With a bayonet!

He who liveth by the sword shall die by the sword. That goes for bayonets, an' all!

Now, you're not going "over" when I say "over".

Let's do it in turns. My file first, then Wilson's file afterwards.

-One, two, three...

-TOGETHER: Over.

TOGETHER: Over.

Over.

Over.

Much better.

-I've got it! Can I do it on my own?

-We're not ready yet.

-Let me go solo!

-Oh, very well.

Should be good!

Hello, all stations, Charlie One...

Report my signals, all stations, Charlie One. Over.

Blimey! >

-Very good, Jones.

-Thank you, sir.

-You got it quite correct.

-Thank you.

-I bet they thought I couldn't do it!

-You did it beautiful.

-I'm not such a fool as I may think I am!

Let's try again. Tighten your strings.

Now, keep...

I gave Mr Hodges permission to use my office. I hear he's been molested!

I'm busy. I'll see you in my office later.

It's not YOUR office. It's MINE, and I have lent it to Mr Hodges.

I told him!

You are interrupting vital training. Kindly go away!

-I will not. Kindly get your bits of string out of my way!

-I will not.

-I'll tell the Bishop!

-Don't be so damned childish!

-Don't profane His Reverence!

-Don't be impertinent!

So that's the way it is, is it? Follow me, Vicar.

I think it's a cheek, Hodges using this as his HQ.

Mainwaring's tried to co-operate, but what can you do with a common bloke like Hodges?

-Yes, he is common.

-I can't stand common people.

You're not being quite fair. Mr Hodges does a good job. And it's dangerous, too.

He might do it well, but he does it uncouth!

If only Mr Mainwaring would put a curse on him.

How can he put a curse on anybody?

-I've seen it done.

-When?

Nigh on 50 years ago, when I was trading coral in the South Seas with a friend of mine.

Is that the one that got eaten by a squid?

No, son. It was a different friend.

Jethro, his name was.

One day, we were anchored off a wee island,

about 20 miles west of Samoa.

Jethro told me he'd heard there was a ruined temple in the centre of the island,

with a huge idol

that had a ruby the size of a duck's egg set in its forehead.

So he was determined to get it.

As soon as it was dark, we rowed ashore, armed to the teeth.

We set off through the jungle to find the temple.

After about two hours hacking our way through the undergrowth,

we came to a clearing.

There was a temple a ruined temple,

covered with jungle creepers.

The place was deserted.

We crept inside...

and there it was,

a huge idol

with a great ruby

in its forehead.

As the shafts of moonlight

struck down through the holes in the roof,

it BURNED like fire!

Jethro...

gave a cry of triumph,

jumped up on the idol and hacked the ruby out of its forehead with his knife.

All this time, I could feel eyes -

horrible, unseen eyes

staring at us.

I could stand it no longer.

I shouted, "Let's get out!" and we turned to go.

Then...we saw it.

Barring our way in the doorway...

..was the witch-doctor.

He gave a scream that turned my blood to ice!

He shook a bunch of bones

in Jethro's face. And he cursed him!

After all these years, I can...

I can still hear that terrible curse.

"Death!" he screamed.

"Death!

"The ruby will bring ye death!

"DEATH!"

Did the curse come true, Mr Frazer?

Aye, son. It did.

He died

last year. He was 86.

Right, men. Fall in.

Do as the officer says. Fall in in three lines.

Take the mark from me.

Thank you, Corporal.

Now, I've had a word with Area HQ, the civil defence people,

and the Secretary of the Council, who happens to be a fellow Rotarian.

I've given them a piece of my mind, and these ARP people will soon be cleared out of here.

-But not this week.

-All right! I'll tell them.

In the meantime, you must behave in a true Christian manner

and, as far as possible, ignore them.

HODGES: Left, right, left, right, right wheel...

HE MIMICS PARADE GROUND ORDERS

Mark time!

Halt!

Left turn!

Mark right dress!

Home Guard, left dress!

-Enough of that!

-You started it.

-You're on my half.

-I have more troops.

Troops?! Cor blimey the Bath Chair Fusiliers!

Would you like a bunch of fives up the 'ooter?

I think he's already had one.

That's brave(!) Ten to one!

This town's not big enough for both of us.

Don't start anything!

How dare you push me?!

AIR RAID SIREN

-Saved by the bell!

-I'll sort you out later! Mrs Cole on the telephone, Mrs Robinson, the incident map.

Make up your defence points.

Medical team on patrol.

-Light the fire. It gets parky later.

-Jones, keep your sector in reserve.

And keep that over your side!

Look, Hodges,

I'm doing my best to tolerate your presence, but you're insufferable!

The wood's damp and the chimney's cold. You want a firelighter.

I haven't got any.

That'll start it before you can say "gunpowder". That'll be ninepence.

Joe! That's trading with the enemy!

Yes... Yes... Let me have a report in the morning.

Right.

Oi! Cut it out! Not during an alert.

-I'll be receiving a constant stream of reports.

-And I'll be receiving my orders.

PHONE RINGS

IN A REFINED VOICE: Walmington ARP.

Number One Platoon HQ, Walmington Home Guard!

-Yes... It is for you, Captain.

-Of course!

Good evening, sir. Mainwaring here.

Oh...

Hello, Elizabeth.

You can pack that in, carrying on chats with your bits of stuff!

-It is my good lady!

-Well, cut it short.

No, no... What?

I can't come home!

Why don't you sit in the cupboard under the stairs, as usual?

I'm sure a bomb is far more dangerous than a mouse.

Look, careless talk costs lives!

Try again.

I expect some sparrow has laid a nest up there. They do a lot of that

-up the chimney.

-Good. We can have roast sparrow. Very tasty.

That's better!

-What are those made of?

-Incendiary bombs that were damaged by fire.

What's this?! That stove is not be ignited without the vicar's consent.

-It's only a fire.

-There will be a rumpus.

-Who lit it?

-The wardens.

The wardens? Did they?

Cheers the fireplace up, doesn't it?

Well, perhaps if you made a noise, the mouse would jump down the hole.

Leave the mouse where it is and you jump down the hole, missus!

-How dare you?!

-That wasn't very kind.

Keep out of this. The raid's been on ten minutes

and I haven't received a report yet!

PHONE RINGS Hello... Yes.

Righto. Thank you.

Mr Yeldon is standing by.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Chimney on fire?

Give me the details.

Yes, fine.

Get this down, Mrs Cole.

That's the end, dear.

We can't have a vital communication channel blocked by domestic trivia!

It's not trivia. An enemy bomber could see it miles away.

Where? A large building next to the church in Mortimer Road.

Ready.

A large building next to...

A large...

A large building...

A large building...

Worse than your lot, she is! Mortimer Road.

Road...

Road!

Get onto the fire brigade!

-What do you think you're up to?

-We're busy, Vicar.

Do you realise you've set the chimney on fire?

The stove is a raging fiery furnace!

Fiery furnace? Just a minute!

THIS is a large building next to the church!

Cor blimey! Get out the way!

-He lit it!

-It was his firelighters.

Normally, they don't burn!

-Do something!

-Nanny used to put salt on fires!

It's a fire, not a pigeon!

Shall I ask the firemen to pop round?

And make us a laughing stock? Say it's a false alarm.

-Up the tower!

-With the pumps?

-Yes.

-Come on, men!

Mr Mainwaring! If you have the key to the cupboard, I'll bring bandages.

Bog peat, Mr Mainwaring!

-A barrow of bog peat would put that fire out.

-Do be sensible!

Mr Mainwaring!

Captain!

-Captain Mainwaring!

-What is it, Jones?

-The chimney's on fire, sir.

-I know that!

Lean out and you'll see it's like a roman candle all the sparks.

But be careful. There's a 40-foot drop.

Aargh!

Thank you, Mr Mainwaring.

You saved my life. I won't forget that.

Get out of the way. Pike, give me a lift up.

-Get inside, Jones.

-I can't, sir.

I'm sitting on the window catch and it's made of cold steel.

Each time I move, it goes in a funny position. I don't like it, sir.

Now, look! There's a ledge out here.

I'm going to inch along and see if I can get to the roof.

What's going on? Out the way! This is an ARP matter.

-I'm in an embarrassing position.

-What?

-His trousers are hooked.

-Then get them off!

-Not in front of His Reverence!

-Get them off!

-Stop it! Stop it!

-Get your trousers off!

What's going on? Leave him alone!

They want to take my trousers off.

Don't be neurotic, Jones.

Wilson! There's a gap between the tower and roof. Hand me a plank and I'll put it across.

Why should I have a plank?

-Here's a ladder. What about that?

-Well done. Shove it out.

Ooh! Aah!

-I've released myself. It's quite all right, sir.

-Get out of the way.

He's not very nice, is he?

WALKER: I can't do it that way.

THEY ALL GIVE EACH OTHER ORDERS

Aargh!

Get it back inside.

-Thank you, Mr Mainwaring. You saved my life. I won't forget that!

-Grab the ladder.

HODGES: Hurry up! A German bomber will see that fire for miles.

All right. Careful. Careful.

Aargh!

Jones, get up!

Thank you, sir. You saved my life again.

Come on!

-Right, sir.

-Mind that crumbling bit on the corner.

Blimey! I don't like this!

I get verdigris terrible!

Where are you going with that sand?

I've polished that hall for 30 years.

I can't see it go up in flames.

Right. I think it's firm enough now.

Right, sir. I'll test it. I'll test the ladder.

Hurry up, you old fool. And don't talk so much.

When you get on the other side,

edge your way along the roof

and see if you can reach the chimney.

-Right, sir.

-Pike. Walker.

Get down on the catwalk and see if you can work your pump from there.

They need water.

There are buckets in the hall.

-Aren't you coming, sir?

-No, I'm going to pass it through.

Come on, Grandad. Hurry up!

Mr Mainwaring!

Mr Mainwaring!

If I had a...

If I had a bucket of water,

I could go down the chimney.

Pass the word back for water.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

More!

Oh, Lord!

Water coming. >

-Water coming.

-Right, sir.

Water coming!

Water coming!

Water coming!

More water!

VERGER: I've got a bucket of sand.

Argh!

Missed!

How much more?! You ready, Joe?

Yeah, almost.

You're not having this one! I'll do it.

Oh, no!

More water!

Start pumping, Joe.

More water. More water. Send more water. >

More water!

You saved my life!

You remind me of Mr Mainwaring.

More water! Come along! More water!

All right, sir. Quick as we can. >

It's your church, Vicar. Get it yourself.

-I quite agree!

-Get some more water.

Mr Mainwaring!

If I slide down the roof,

I can get next to the chimney.

I will draw myself up to my full height,

and pour the water down the chimney.

Don't talk so much. Get on with it.

Right away, sir.

Ooh! Ooh!

It's hot! It's hot in a funny place!

I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

I'll put you out. Start pumping, Joe.

Mr Mainwaring!

What?

-I think they've put me out.

-Good.

-VERGER: The fire's out!

-How did that happen?

When I went down, I put some salt on it.

Well done, my men. Get back to the tower.

YOU be careful! This ladder's poised delicately...

I'm afraid it's smashed to smithereens. >

You'll have to stay there a wee while.

Wilson! Go to the builder's yard and get a ladder.

It'll take ages. Get the fire brigade.

-Not likely!

-But I'm soaking wet!

Well, you shouldn't throw water around like a six year old!

-You wouldn't say that if you was as wet as I was!

-Oh, yes, I would!

THUNDER ROARS

Now's your chance to try!

-Wilson!

-What is it now?

If the fire brigade isn't busy, perhaps they would pop around.