The Fallen Idol Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

# But he comes home each evening,

# And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

Captain Mainwaring's platoon is late, Sergeant-major.

They're using their own transport a van converted into an armoured car.

How ingenious.

Yes, sir. They're very keen. A bit too keen if you ask me.

You all right, sir? Hmm?

It's this damned twitch.

I've been at the explosives school for a year,

and it wasn't until Home Guards came that I got this confounded twitch.

- You need some leave, sir. - They have no idea of the danger.

They're mad keen, charging about. One day they'll blow themselves sky high. I know it!

Never mind, sir. They're the last lot. They'll soon be through the course.

- Then you'll be able to sleep easy. - Well, roll on tomorrow night.

HORN BEEPS

Right, here we go.

Disembark! Come on, at the double.

- This lot sound keener than usual. - Oh Lord! Go and look after them.

Right then. In here then, gentlemen.

Thank you, Sergeant-major.

Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, sir. Sergeant Wilson. Corporal Jones.

We can't wait to get cracking.

We haven't handled live grenades before.

Haven't you?!

-I can't wait to get hold of them.

-Neither can I.

I don't know which I like best, the bayonet or the bomb. I'm fond of both.

I like Mills bombs best. I've always wanted to meet Mr Mills. He was a very clever man.

In 1916 in France, I used to lob those bombs over. Pin out, over! BANG!

Over! BANG!

They called me the mad bomber.

I'm not mad really. I'm as sane as you are.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, really!

If you'll excuse me, I've got a lot to do. Make yourselves comfortable.

He's a bit historical, isn't he, sir?

Yes. Let's go and get our bedding.

I think Pike is bringing my stuff in, sir.

-We can't have anybody waiting on us in this platoon, Wilson.

-No.

This unit eats, sleeps and fights together. Rank doesn't count.

Here's your bedding, Uncle Arthur.

Pike, in future you will not wait on Sgt Wilson. We're all equal here.

Shall I take it out again?

Frank, don't be absurd. Put it down.

-Mum says don't walk on it. She doesn't want marks.

-All right!

We haven't got to sleep on the ground?

It's that or stand up all night.

It won't do my rheumatics any good.

Don't be so feely-wally. It will make your back go straight.

It's already decided which way it wants to go.

In here, Sponge, Hastings.

-Uncle Arthur?

-What is it?

-Have you seen Mr Snuggly?

Mr Who?

-Mr Snuggly, my teddy.

-No, I haven't.

-Mum said she'd put him in.

-I haven't got him.

-I can't sleep without him.

-I haven't seen him.

-Have a look in your bed.

-All right.

-Ah, yes. Here he is.

-Don't let anybody see him!

But you wanted him!

-If they see him, they'll laugh at me. Wrap him up and hand him over.

-All right.

-What's that, Wilson?

Er, Mr...

..Mr Snuggly.

What?

He's my... My bear. My, er...

..My teddy bear. I can't get off without him.

Extraordinary!

Thank you, Uncle Arthur.

-What are you doing, Jonesy?

-Making me bed.

You gonna grow strawberries in it?

Course not.

-What you got that net on it for?

-It's a mosquito net.

There's no mosquitoes here, you silly old duffer.

It goes with the bag. We've been together 50 years.

-# It don't seem a day too much...#

-You can laugh, but it kept out more than mosquitos in the Sudan.

It kept out snakes an' all.

Snakes tried to get in your bed?!

Yeah, snakes. It's cold in the desert and them snakes used to come and try to snuggle in beside you.

Ugh!

They're not cold and slimy, snakes, you know.

They're all warm and soft. One used to come round every night, round my tent and my net.

What did I call him? Oh yeah, Charlie. His little face used to look in with a pathetic look,

as if to say, "I'm cold. Let me in." But I never did. I don't like that sort of thing, you know.

-Everything all right?

-We're settling in, thank you.

-Good, good. Where are you sleeping?

-Here.

-What...?

-You're not sleeping with the men?

-Yes.

-My dear fellow. Can't have that. Bad for discipline.

-You really think so?

Definitely, old boy. It's not on. We officers must stick together.

-I usually muck in with my chaps.

-It's a mistake, a mistake.

Oh, no. Where will it all end?

Take a tip from me, rig up quarters for yourself and your sergeant, eh? Ha-ha! I'll see later, right?

-Right.

-MESS BELL RINGS

< Come and get it!

-I'm famished.

-Wilson.

-What is it, sir?

-Wait till they've gone.

-I'd like some food myself, sir.

-It can wait. This is important.

-What is, sir?

I, er...I think you and I had better sleep together.

-Together?

-Away from the others.

I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you.

-Look here, I've decided it's bad for discipline to sleep with the ORs.

-ORs?

-The other ranks.

But you said we'd eat, sleep and fight together!

From now on we just eat and fight together.

-Give me a hand, will you?

-Of course.

That was a wizard tea.

You're right, it was'nae half bad.

They're doing their best to make us comfortable. That seed-cake was nice.

If I eat caraway seeds, I get indigestion.

So why did you keep a bit? I thought I'd pick the seeds out.

Silly old fool.

Hello-o-o! What's this?

"Officers and sergeants only."

God! I wonder why Mr Mainwaring's done that?

Obvious! He's got ideas above his station.

He really thinks he is an officer.

He is. He deserves a little privacy.

Rubbish! Rubbish! We're a civilian army and he's only holding a wartime commission.

Come on, Jonesy. Hey boys, come and look at this! Ha!

"Officers and sergeants only." That's a bit strong!

Mr Mainwaring usually mucks in with all of us.

Well, chaps. Have a nice tea?

Hmm, I think we'll be comfortable here.

I've got some gramophone records. Any requests?

What about, "Don't Fence Me In"?

I haven't got that one, Frazer.

'Ere, Sergeant, why's Mr Mainwaring gone all toffee-nosed?

I think he got the impression that it was bad for discipline for us to sleep with the ORs.

Eh?

Well, the...other ranks.

-Oh, other... Other ranks.

-ORs.

-Yes.

-Sergeant Wilson?

-Yes.

Come in here, will you? I want you to wind the gramophone.

Get away, boy.

Right, sir.

-What's wrong with Frazer?

-Nothing as far as I know, sir.

-His manners are downright rude and he's upsetting the others.

-Why do you say that?

I've detected a distinct change in the atmosphere. The men are sullen. I'm sensitive to these things.

-Perhaps you've upset them?

-Absurd! We've hardly spoken since getting here. Frazer...

Do you think he's a communist?

Why do you say that, sir?

Well, he has the look of a communist about him to me.

I've noticed that when we're on night duty he never plays Monopoly.

Oh really, sir.

You may laugh.

Pay attention!

You're all off duty until lights out.

There's a free issue of two pints of beer each.

You can't have more because Captain Reed wants you to have a steady hand tomorrow.

Sgt-Major, you can tell him not to worry. We'll be there bright and early, ready and steady.

That should cheer him up no end.

What did the Sgt-Major want?

He says there's two free pints of beer for everyone.

Oh, splendid. We'll have a convivial evening.

-There you are. How about coming to the mess for a drink?

-What mess?

-The officers' mess of course.

Oh, we were just off to the Naafi.

Oh, my hat! Come here.

-You can have a drink with the men now and then, but don't overdo it.

-We're only going for a pint or two.

-The other officers are in the mess. If you don't turn up they'll think you're...odd.

-Will they really?

-I don't want that.

-Of course not.

-Hang on, I'll get my cap.

-Good.

-I say, Wilson.

-Yes.

-Awful bore, but I've got to have a drink in the officers' mess.

-Oh, what a shame (!)

-Yes.

-You won't be coming with us then?

-I'm afraid I won't. If I don't go, they'll think I'm odd.

-You understand, don't you?

-Of course I do. You don't want to look odd.

-No.

I'd ask you to come with us, but... officers only, you know.

-See the chaps have a good time.

-Yes.

-Have you seen my cap?

Stupid boy!

Well, have a good time, chaps, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

CAPTAIN SQUARE: Come on, MAIN-WEARING.

..And it was hanging out of the window.

Hello, hello. Let me introduce you. MAIN-WEARING, Walmington-on-sea...

..Pritchard, HQ and Ashley-Jones, Dimwich Platoon.

Take your belt off, old boy. Ha-ha!

Same again, what? Three whiskies, please.

-And you MAIN-WEARING?

-A sweet sherry, please.

Sweet sherry?!

We only have whisky, sir.

Damn glad to have it too! Make it four large ones. Right, sir.

I don't think I can manage whisky.

-You do drink?

-I have an odd beer or sherry now and then.

A spot of whisky won't hurt. Sit down.

You should drink it when you can, MAIN-WEARING.

-There I go calling you MAIN-WEARING. You say Mainwaring, don't you?

-Yes.

I knew a chap in India. Called himself Chumley, spelt his name Cholmondeley. Absolute idiot.

We used to call him Chilly Mushrooms.

Oh, Chilly Mushrooms! Ha-ha-ha!

I say, how frightfully amusing.

Ha-ha! Chilly mushrooms!

Thank you, dear boy. Thank you.

-Cheers everybody! So sorry... Cheers, cheers.

-Cheers.

Cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

This is the end.

Eh?

I said, "This is the end."

No, it isn't. I've got another full bottle.

As soon as I get back, I'm resigning.

You can't. Your country needs you.

I'll be there when I'm needed, but not under Captain Mainwaring.

-Uncle Arthur?

-What is it, Frank?

SLURRED: Would you like to finish my beer?

No, thank you. I'm not really in a drinking mood for some reason.

Captain Mainwaring isn't to blame.

Captain Square led him astray. As an old platoon member, Mr Frazer, you should give him another chance.

You silly old fool.

There's no need to talk to Godfrey like that.

-Well, he is a silly old fool! Calling ME old!

-Well, you are old.

-Not as old as you, you silly old fool!

-I'm not as old as you, you silly old fool. I'm not 60 yet.

You told me you tried to relieve General Gordon from the mad Mahdi. You must be over 90.

I was a boy soldier.

-What did they do, pin a medal on your napkin?

-Walker!

Ho-ho! Old Bungey rode his polo pony right through the mess. Ha-ha-ha!

The punka-wallah went on pulling the punka with his foot. Ha-ha-ha!

By Jove! What a night. Here you are, old boy.

-No more for me.

-Nonsense. You must keep up.

What happened to old Bungey? Never saw him again.

Oh, good chap. Good chap. You know what his trouble was?

Couldn't leave the little brown girls alone.

Ha-ha! I remember one night in the mess at Jabalpur, when we made him a cardinal!

How did he take that? Like a lamb.

Good heavens, I haven't seen anyone made a cardinal in years.

How do you make someone a cardinal?

It's a ceremony we used to go through.

-What happens?

-Why? Do you want to be one?

I might.

It's fine for us, but you might find it a bit much.

I don't see why I should.

I'd like to be made a cardinal.

What? What? Huh-huh! Well, shall we make him one, boys?

Hmm! All right, then. Here we go.

I'll put you in the picture, so you see how it goes. It goes like this

here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time.

You tap the table once with the first fingers of your right and left hand.

You stamp your feet once, bang the glass on the table and take one drink.

Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff for the second time.

You tap the table

with the first two fingers of your right and left hand twice.

You stamp your feet twice. You bang the glass on the table twice and take two drinks.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Ah!

Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff for the third and last time.

You tap the table with the first, second, third fingers of your right hand thrice

and with your left hand thrice. You stamp your right foot thrice

and your left foot thrice. One, two, three.

You bang the glass thrice and take three drinks! Have you got that?

Not quite.

I'll go through it again. Here's to the health...

..So this commercial traveller, he says to the landlady... Ha-ha-ha!

He says to the landlady, "I'm sorry, madam, but I..." No, wait a minute.

He says, "I'm sorry, I do not work between Mondays and Fridays." Haha!

Well, I thought it was funny.

Hey, I know some jokes.

(God's sake.)

Listen, I've got tuppence in that hand.

And I've got tuppence in that hand. How much have I got?

-Fourpence.

-No, wrong. Sixpence. I've got tuppence in me pocket.

Three tomatoes going across the desert. Which one's the cowboy?

No idea.

None of them. They're all redskins.

-Here's another.

-Oh!

-No, come on listen.

Why did the submarine blush?

-Why did the submarine blush?

-Don't nudge me.

-Give up?

-Yes.

-Cos it saw Queen Mary's bottom.

I don't think Queen Mary would like that.

Sorry, Uncle Arthur.

..And you bang the glass on the table three times and take three drinks.

Now do you see it?

-Yes, I think I've got it.

-Splendid. Let's have a go.

If you go wrong, you've got to drain the glass and go right back to the beginning.

-Right.

-Good luck.

Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time.

WRONG!

-You didn't bang the glass. Start again.

-I'm so sorry.

Here's to... Drain the glass, old boy!

There we go.

Just listen to them, will you?

It's a disgrace, a perfect disgrace.

I don't know what's come over Captain Mainwaring.

When I was out in the Sudan there was some terrible carryings-on in the officers' mess.

But I tell you one thing, if you drank too much in that heat it turned you into a gibbering idiot.

You must have knocked a bit back!

Ha-ha-ha!

-SLURRING:

-Here...

Here's to the health...

..of Cardinal Puff Puff...

-..Puff Puff.

-ALL TOGETHER: WRONG!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-What was it...? What was wrong?

Puff Puff Puff Puff! Ha-ha!

What's... What's wrong with that?

-Wrong with what?

-Puff Puff Puff Puff.

Too many Puffs.

You're absolutely right.

I should have said...huh!..

"Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff."

Not Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff.

-Well?

-Start again, start again.

Here's...

..to the h-health... Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

THEY LAUGH

What's that got to do with it?

It's all the same thing. It's all religious.

It's the wrong denomination.

Wrong denomination?

Yes, RC. We want it C of E.

Yes.

-Right.

-Start again.

Here's to the health of the Duchess of York...

..who's a friend of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff.

Wrong! Wrong! Ha-ha!

Start again.

-Here's to... Here's... Oh!

-Start again.

Drain the glass.

-I'll drain the bloody glass.

-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

SOMEONE SINGS DRUNKENLY

Shhh...

Damn revolving doors.

Sorry.

Gotcha! I've got him! I've got him! I've got the intruder!

I've got him. I've got him. I've got...

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I thought you was a thuggee.

No, you're quite mistaken, Colonel.

I'm Cardinal Puff Puff Puff...hic... ..Puff.

-Bless you, sir.

-Thank you, very much.

Let's see. The Eastgate, Walmington and Dimwich Platoons have all thrown one grenade each.

TWO EXPLOSIONS

What was that? Two went off at once.

It's Sgt Williams finishing the Walmington Platoon quickly.

If he's not careful they'll finish him quickly. Mad the lot, especially that lunatic lance corporal.

GROANING What's that?

-Are you all right, Captain Mainwaring? You look ill.

-What time is it?

Eleven-thirty.

Where are my... Oh! Where are my men?

On the bombing range. I'm giving a lecture on sticky bombs.

Oh good. I'll come with you.

-Are you sure you feel up to it?

-Of course.

I wouldn't miss the bombing for anything. Carry on.

GRENADE EXPLODES

..And that covers the main nine points of the sticky bomb.

Are there any questions?

Carry on, Sgt-Major. Sir.

Right, now! >

That is a Nazi's tank, there!

Line up! You're first, Sergeant.

-Oh, yes. Do you mind giving me a hand?

-Oh!

-Thanks.

You walk smartly up to the tank don't run.

Pull the pin out, the cover falls off, and press the bomb to the side of the tank, to which it will adhere.

-You then have 15 seconds to get clear.

-Oh yes?!

-DON'T pull the pin out!

-All right. All right. I wasn't going to.

All of you go with him to get the hang of it.

And don't run! Understand? DON'T RUN! We don't want to attract the enemy's attention,

and you don't want to fall over and blow yourselves up. Ha-ha-ha! Right. Off you go!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

Turn! Don't run. >

DON'T RUN! >

One. >

Two. >

Three. >

Four. >

Five, six.

< Seven. Right, DOWN!!

EXPLOSION

Right, Corporal, you're next.

-Whatever you do, DON'T RUN! Understand!

-Yes, sir.

-I shall assume a nonchalant manner.

-Get on with it, Jones.

WHISTLE BLOWS < Left, right. Left, right.

Left, right. Left, right. > Left, right. Left, right.

Turn! >

ALL: RUN!! RUN!!

INAUDIBLE

EXPLOSION

Oh!

Right! BANG!

BOOM!

Right, take it steady. And don't fire till I say.

Right!

Fire! BANG! BOOM!

Not bad.

Next!

We've nearly finished, Jones.

Jones! Jones!

We've nearly finished now. You can move the van when I give the signal.

-Right, sir.

-I'll bang on the back.

You'll bang on the back, sir.

You ready, lad? Yes, sir.

Fire!

CLICKING

I think it's broken. You left the safety-catch on. Let me do it.

It still won't go, sir.

BANG! Ooh!

-There's no need to bang that loud!

-ENGINE STARTS

Blimey!

-Hang on.

-All right, Wilson. I'll handle it.

CHASE MUSIC

-#

-In the meantime

-#

-Think of me do...

-#

-Cleaning my rifle

-#

-And dreaming of you...

-#

Jones! Jones!

-#

-La-la-la-la-la

-#

-And in the meantime

-#

-Think of me do...

-#

-Cleaning my rifle and thinking of you

-#

-La-la-la-la-la.

-#

-Jones!

-Mr Mainwaring, how did you get there?

-Quick, stop the van!

-What?

-There's a live grenade in the back.

What's that? A live grenade.

A LIVE GRENADE! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC!!

Stop it first, you idiot!

Ooh!

Jones! Take cover! That could blow up at any second. Down here.

There are 200 grenades in that van.

They'll wreck the power-station and put the whole county out of action.

-Are you sure?

-Of course I'm sure.

-Come back, you fool!

-Come back! Think of Mrs Mainwaring and the men.

We'd rather not lose you, sir.

CHASE MUSIC

Got it!

Oh! Well done, Mr Mainwaring!

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

Jolly good. Well done...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd