The Deadly Attachment Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys Who will stop your little game

# We are the boys Who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening

# And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Pay attention.

I've received a directive from GHQ

about Nazi parachutists. I'll read it.

"There is a danger the Home Guard might confuse British pilots bailing

"out with German parachute troops."

Not that our chaps get shot down often, but this could happen.

"Remember that no British plane contains more than six men."

So if you see some parachutists floating down, you count them...

..And if there are more than six, you shoot them.

Mr Mainwaring? If they're dressed as nuns, do we still count them?

Count them however they're dressed.

But it isn't likely that a plane-load of real nuns would be floating down in parachutes.

You can't be too sure, sir.

I look at it this way - supposing in Occupied France there's this nunnery,

and one day the chief nun calls the others round and says,

"Now, listen, girls,

"let us escape to dear old England."

They all creep out, they get hold of a plane, and fly and fly.

When they get to England, they're not cognisant with landing methods,

so they jump out in parachutes.

You're into the realms of fantasy here.

It's a possibility, sir. It's a possibility.

Very unlikely, but we must be prepared.

It's really all quite simple.

When they come floating down,

the turbulence of the air will cause their habits to rise...

..so you'll see their legs, and you can tell if it's a real nun or not.

-Yes. Very good point, Wilson.

-Thank you.

-Very good.

You must look at their legs.

Sir, I wouldn't care to look at a nun's legs. It's very impolite.

Force yourself - this is war!

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes?

What are nuns' legs like? I've never seen them.

I don't think anybody has.

-Hairy 'uns!

-What did you say, Frazer?

If they're Nazis, they'll have horrible hairy legs wi' jackboots.

-What if they're real nuns with hairy legs?

-That'll do.

"If the Nazi has his hands up, he may not be surrendering.

"He could be concealing a grenade in each hand."

-PHONE RINGS

-Answer that, Pike.

Yes.

-Talking of grenades, have you primed our stock of Mills bombs?

-Oh, no.

-Why not?

-It's awfully dangerous, sir.

War IS awfully dangerous, Wilson.

If Nazi parachutists descended, would you ask them to wait?

-Get the bombs ready tonight.

-Right.

You're wanted on the telephone. GHQ say it's important.

Of course. Take charge, Wilson.

Get out of the way, boy!

-Shut the door, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

-From the OTHER side!

-You should have said!

-Get out!

Good evening, sir.

-I've got an important job for you.

-Excellent. What is it?

A fishing boat has picked up a U-boat captain and seven members of the crew.

They're locked in the ship's hold.

-That's good news.

-Take them to the church hall. I'll send an armed escort over later.

Very good, sir. Face to face with the enemy at last!

-'Leave this to us!'

-You won't get much trouble from them.

They've been drifting in a dinghy for two days. Good luck!

Thank you, sir.

Good news! At last we've got a chance to get to grips with the enemy.

Blimey! Are we invading France?

You're not doing anything too hasty, are you?

-I've something important to say.

-About nuns' legs?

Of course not.

A fishing vessel has picked up a U-boat crew. We're to collect them.

Right! Fix bayonets! Come on now!

-I can't wait to get at them!

-There'll be time for that later.

As soon as I get a whiff of action, I reach for my bayonet.

-It's in my nature.

-Fall the men in outside.

Fall in outside, rifles and bayonets, at the double!

Wilson! Pike!

-Prime those hand grenades.

-If you insist.

-I do.

-Yes, sir.

Come along!

All right!

Share this pineapple between you!

For heaven's sake, Frank, put that thing down!

Sorry.

Chicago gangsters call them pineapples. I saw it in Scarface. Paul Muni.

They're very, very dangerous.

They haven't got any detonators!

Shall I get 'em?

I'LL get the detonators. It's very, very dangerous. Awfully tricky.

Now...

There are only two in that one.

-There's another box...

-Stand back. Don't touch!

"Dummy primers for training purposes only."

Dummies aren't any good. Get that...

Just a minute, just a minute!

We could put these dummies into the grenades.

But what if the Germans came along?

We could soon change them round. It would only take a minute.

-He'll be cross if he finds out.

-He'll be crosser if we get blown up.

-Dummies...!

-Come on.

-JONES:

-Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!

Handy hoch! Handy hoch! Handy hoch hoch hoch!

-They can put their hands down.

-Handies down, handies down!

-Nichts hoch! Nichts hoch! He's still hoching!

-Never mind.

-Now, Frazer.

-Sir?

Set the Lewis gun up on the stage, with a clear sweep of the hall.

Sponge! Hancock! Get me a stepladder.

Jones, get them into a tight huddle.

Right. In a huddle, at the double! Come along!

I'm glad you got back all right, sir. Were they any trouble?

Not really. Ugly mob, though. This captain,

he's a surly brute.

All he does is sneer and smoke.

Has he got any left? I've run out.

This isn't a cocktail party, Wilson. Have you primed those grenades?

Well, sir...

I can honestly say all the grenades now have detonators in them.

Good. Get the tommy-gun, Pike.

-Tommy-gun.

-Thank you, yes.

Listen - an armed escort will pick this lot up.

-In the meantime, I want maximum security.

-Of course.

Here you are, sir. All loaded and ready.

-Set it up.

-Aye.

-Permission to speak, sir!

-Yes?

-Why don't we chop off their trouser buttons?

-What?

If we chop off their buttons and they try to run away,

that will show something unusual.

And if some person, nonchalantly walking along,

sees them with trousers round their legs,

they will make some enquiries.

You! You don't dare to do anything of the sort.

The Geneva Convention forbids you to put us in humiliating positions.

You'll be in one if you get this up you, mate.

Don't threaten me, you silly old fool!

-You...

-Get off, Jones!

He called me a silly old fool!

We're not savages!

-Speak when you're spoken to.

-Get back in the huddle!

I'm warning you, Captain.

Just do as you're told.

SPLUTTERS

-That's the sort of...

-HE SPLUTTERS

..unscrupulous swine we're up against!

I admit he has an abrupt manner, but we must make allowances for him.

He's probably upset that he sank his submarine.

-Where do you want this?

-Set it up here.

Pike, get on top so you've got a clear view of the hall.

You know I can't go up ladders!

-Come along.

-It ain't half wobbly!

-You know I've got a doctor's note!

-Get up there!

Godfrey!

-GODFREY!

-Did someone call?

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I must have dozed off.

Dozed off? We're guarding a bunch of cut-throats, and you "doze off"?

I want you to watch them like a hawk. Understand?

-Hold this ladder.

-PHONE RINGS

Take charge, Wilson.

-Mainwaring here.

-HQ here. Everything all right?

-Yes. Just waiting for you to pick them up.

Ah. I'm afraid the escort won't be there till tomorrow.

You mean we must keep them all night?

There's nothing I can do. Give them a blanket each. Oh, and something to eat.

We've only got sandwiches, Colonel.

Send out for fish and chips.

-Send out for...

-'I'll see you get the money back. I'll be over about 8am. Cheerio.'

Bye.

Fish and chips...!

Wilson, come here.

Jones!

Conference here.

The escort can't get here before morning. We've got to keep these chaps all night.

Then we'd better chop their buttons off.

No, no. I'm going to have a word...

-Can you speak German?

-They'll know by the tone of my voice that I'm in charge.

They recognise authority.

-You'd better come with me.

-Yes.

Pay attention!

-They're well-disciplined.

-Nothing of the sort. It's slavish obedience.

Not like the cheerful discipline of our own Jack Tars.

A nation of automatons, led by a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin.

How dare you compare our glorious leader with that non-Aryan clown?

I am making notes, Captain.

Your name will go on the list.

When we win the war, you will be brought to account.

-You're not going to win this war.

-We are.

-Oh, no you're not.

-Oh, yes we are.

# Whistle while you work Hitler is a twerp

# He's half barmy

# So's his army... #

Your name will also go on the list. What is it?

-Don't tell him, Pike!

-Pike!

I've had about enough of you! Tell your men they've got to stay here. Now get on with it.

Uncle Arthur!

-What?

-It's not fair, me going on the list.

I was only joking.

The Germans have absolutely no sense of humour.

You've said MUCH worse things about Hitler!

-Quiet, quiet!

-Will you have a nice word with him so he'll take my name off?

-Yes.

Wenn ich so tue, als ob ich Magenschmerzen habe,

sollt ihr alle aufpassen, aufmerksam sein. Verstanden?

ALL: Ja, Kapitan.

Did you tell them what I said?

Yeah.

Walker, come here.

Is the fish and chip shop still open?

I think so - why?

-Here's ten shillings. Go and buy some for the prisoners.

-Oh, right.

Now then. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Eight cod and chips.

I want plaice.

Right. One plaice and chips, seven cod. Who wants vinegar?

Wieviele von euch wollen Essig?

Four for vinegar...

Who wants salt?

Wieviele von euch wollen Salz?

Three.

Who doesn't want salt or vinegar?

Ohne Salz oder Essig?

That's two.

Just see if I've got this right.

Plaice for you, cod for them. Four with vinegar, three with salt, two with neither.

Walker, what are you doing?

I'm taking the order.

And I don't want any nasty, soggy chips.

I want mine crisp.

Und light brown.

-Crisp und light brown...

-Never mind that rubbish!

If I say you'll eat soggy chips, you will!

Soggy chips.

One o'clock in the morning.

You'd think he'd give us the chance to have a wee bit turn at sleeping.

No, he won't let us take our eyes off them. He's obsessed.

GODFREY: Sir, do you think I could possibly be excused?

No. Stay at your post.

PIKE: You hang on to this ladder.

Don't keep staring at me! Look in some other direction.

-Put that down! You're meant to be watching the prisoners!

-Sorry.

-Keep them well covered, Jones.

-I'm watching them.

Captain, that fellow does keep his eye on you.

Every single minute.

I've got a notion he doesnae like you.

I wouldn't like to be you if he turned the tables on us.

That's very unlikely.

I've had a good night. Booked three houses for showing lights and drunk ale with you.

Not a word to his reverence about the bottle in my hidey-hole.

You can rely on me. Mum's the word.

We'd better say goodnight to Napoleon.

Good night, Napoleon.

Blimey! What's all this?

German prisoners of war. Keep away!

You can't keep Germans in the parish hall!

The vicar will be furious!

Mind your own business.

Ow! Ow!

What's up?

I feel so ill! It is my stomach. Ow!

-Give us a hand, Verger.

-Get away from him!

He's sick!

Aargh!

-I expect it was those soggy chips.

-We must do something.

-I don't trust him.

-You can't ignore it.

No. He's some mother's son.

He's got a heart of stone, Mr Hodges.

-I've got some bicarbonate of soda. Would that help?

-Stay where you are.

You keep hold of this ladder!

Jones! Keep him covered. Watch him like a hawk.

Yes, sir. I'm completely cocked.

-Pike! Do the same.

-Yes, sir.

I'm going in.

Something very funny here.

They're only a few harmless German sailors!

His breathing is all right.

-How's the pulse?

-Aargh! Aargh!

No-one is moving!

Das Maschinengewehr los! Schnell!

Get back!

-Get back.

-RAT-TAT-TAT

# Because I've got my eyes on you. #

All right, Wilson?

Yes, sir. Hancock and Desmond are covering the back door and window.

Stupid drunken fool, Hodges!

-They didn't get the gun!

-You did well.

I haven't felt like this since I was in the trenches in 1916!

I did well, didn't I, Mr Wilson. I did do well!

Yes, Jonesy. Awfully well indeed.

Yes, and you behaved well too! You kept cool.

Did you think so? Very cool, was I?

When the mutual admiration society has finished,

maybe you'll tell us what we're going to do, Captain.

Right. We can't hang about all night!

They've only one revolver and can't get out of the office.

We're holding all the trumps.

See?

All right, Verger.

Do they want to surrender?

No. They want to go back to the fishing boat so they can cross to France.

What?!

Or he'll blow Mr Hodges' head off!

But they'd get another submarine and start sinking British ships again.

-He's right.

-It's one life against thousands.

A terrible decision to take, Cap'n.

But you have to admit, you never liked the man.

Tell them we want time to think.

Right.

Well? He's thinking it over.

Tell him I give him until dawn.

Wh-what did Mainwaring say?

I must admit it doesn't look too good.

My gawd!

If only we could get that gun away.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes?

S'posing I dress up in old clothes, black my face and knock on the door and say I'm a chimney sweep?

I say to Mr Hodges, "Hello, Fritz".

They ask why I call him Fritz, and I say,

"He's really a German prisoner. He's only an air raid warden in his spare time".

Mr Mainwaring?

In that film, Petrified Forest, with Leslie Howard and Humphrey Bogart...

Bogart had got Howard prisoner,

and he was holding him in a cabin overnight at gunpoint.

Howard kept on quoting poetry, using long words and sneering, and got him all annoyed.

You could do that.

I missed that one. What happened to Howard?

He got shot.

Stupid boy!

I saw Freddie Bartholomew in David Copperfield...

but there was nothing in that.

I've never heard such drivel in my life.

David Cop...

Wait a minute!

Mr Micawber - "Something's bound to turn up."

We'll go along with this game of theirs.

We'll march right through the town. Somebody is bound to give an alarm.

We'll agree to your terms!

If they get away, the Navy will blow them up.

I'm glad you came to your senses. Das Maschinengewehr! Und hab Acht.

< Put down your rifles.

Do as he says.

-< Get me a grenade and some string.

-Do it, Wilson.

Die Gewehre entladen und die Bajonette ausnehmen.

You won't get away with it.

Nobody will interfere. You will be escorting us - with empty rifles.

-How will you make us do that?

-Very simply.

-Is it primed?

-Yes.

-You don't mind if I make sure?

By all means.

Good.

You, old man! Take off your belt and undo your tunic.

Pardon?!

Do as I tell you. Remove your belt.

Just to make sure, Captain,

that your behaviour is correct,

zis old man will march in front of me.

One false move from you...

..and I pull ze string!

Don't make any false moves, Mr Mainwaring,

and don't make any real ones either!

I will have time to get clear, but the old man has to undo his tunic.

A terrible way to die!

You unspeakable swine!

As commander I reserve the right to have that bomb in MY waistband.

I cannot allow them to put a bomb down your trousers!

They can put 20 bombs down mine and I will not crack.

You can't win this war! See the sort of men this country breeds!

-Rather stupid ones.

-All very well to sneer but you've forgotten one thing.

-What's that?

-The Royal Navy. You won't make it.

We will, because you will be with us! That man stays behind to tell them.

The Navy will not shoot on their own people.

When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners.

And then...

we shall examine the list.

Uncle Arthur!

-If I tell the German it's a dummy detonator, do you think he'd take me off his list?

-Oh, do be quiet!

Blimey, sir. Look! There's a colonel.

The game's up. What are you going to do now?

Nothing. You will bluff your way out.

I refuse to cooperate! He won't do it, Jones.

Mr Mainwaring, if you don't do as he says, he'll pull the string.

-Oh, no, he won't!

-Oh, yes, I will!

He says he will, Mr Mainwaring.

Platoon! Halt!

-Where ARE you taking the prisoners?

-Well, I...I...

The Captain thought they should go for a walk, get some fresh air.

What's wrong? You're as white as a sheet.

Fresh air will do him some good.

We're off to the harbour for the sea breeze.

I'm going to pick up the escort for the prisoners. I'll see you later.

Yes, sir.

Platoon...

I'm surprised at you! Your men are always so smart. Why isn't Jones wearing his...

What's this great lump of string doing?

Don't panic! Don't panic!

It's slipped out! Ooh!

Save yourself, sir! Save yourself!

-I'll cut it out.

-No!

I wonder if I might borrow your revolver?

-What's going on?

-I'll explain later.

Listen to me, you German fellows.

Would you get up against the wall and put your hands up, please?

Come on!

Good fellows.

That should have gone off by now.

-Oh! Oh!

-That thing should have gone off by now!

So it should!

I've been saved. I've been saved.

I told you to prime those grenades!

I did, sir. With dummies.

Why is it you can never do anything you're...

You saved Jones's life.

Perhaps now you'll agree with me.

It's dangerous to keep them primed.

Excuse me, sir.

Now that the crisis has passed...

would you mind asking Frazer to take his hand out of my trousers?

Subtitles by Veronica Simpson and Helen Rankin, 1993