My British Buddy Dad's Army


My British Buddy

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21.

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Men, during the time we've been together, we've seen dark times.

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In fact, last winter, times were so dark that it was hard to see ahead.

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-Was that the power cut, sir?

-That'll do, Walker.

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Now, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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A very long tunnel, a very small light.

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It's shining brightly for all to see.

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-Mr Hodges won't like that, sir.

-I'm not referring to the blackout!

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I mean the war situation.

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After standing alone against the Nazi hordes for...nearly two years, I'm glad to say help is at hand.

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-That's very good news. Who is it?

-The Americans.

-Oh!

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It's only taken them 2½ years.

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Let's not have that sort of talk, Walker.

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It's just like the westerns, where Indians surround the settlers and the US Cavalry come in just in time.

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No, I wouldn't say it was quite like that!

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We've done pretty well up to now,

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but it's nice to have extras on the team, a second eleven!

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When can we expect them, sir?

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A small advance party arrives on Saturday. We must give them a hearty welcome.

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-What, roll out the red carpet?

-Yes. Though we won't actually have one.

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I can get a roll of American cloth if that will help?

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Permission to speak, sir?

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We must take our American cousins to our bosoms and to our homes and fertilize with them.

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Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.

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I don't think Mum'll like them in the house.

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In a time of war, Pike, one can't choose bedfellows.

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I've a double bed I will share if necessary.

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I'm not talking about bedfellows in that sense, Godfrey.

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It's just as well as I might walk around in the night.

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Shouldn't we show the Americans something that's typically British?

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Highland Dancing! That's very British.

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You could help there, Frazer, as President of the Walmington Caledonian Society.

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That will be a wee bit awkward, you see, I'm the only one in it.

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There used to be Jock McKay and me,

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but when the subscription became 5/- he wouldn't pay, so I threw him out.

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Sir, I've been struck by a thought.

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In the Sudan, we'd just signed a peace treaty with the Fuzzy Wuzzys

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and Kitchener decided to have a get together.

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They thought they would like to have a spear throwing competition, but it got a bit difficult.

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-Why?

-They wanted Gen Kitchener as the target.

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Anyway, we talked them out of it and us British lads lined up with our spears

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and the Fuzzy Wuzzys stood behind, ready to take their turn.

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I cast my spear and took a step back...

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-Oh, get to the point, Jones.

-I did, sir.

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One of them Fuzzy Wuzzys had his spear just like that. I didn't like it.

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Anyway, my point is, we could ask them to watch a darts match at the Red Lion.

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-Very good idea. An evening in a typical English pub, what could be better?

-Very good.

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I'm not going into the realms of fantasy?

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No. We'll invite them to a spear throwing...er, to a darts match

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in the Red Lion on Saturday night.

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-Bring the ladies.

-And Shirley, you know her don't you?

-Indeed!

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And I'll bring my girl. She doesn't say much but she's nice.

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Uncle Art...Sgt Wilson will bring my Mum, won't you?

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Yes, Yes, I suppose so. Will you bring your wife, sir?

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No, no, I don't think so, Wilson.

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I don't think Elizabeth would do much for Anglo-American relations.

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Now, what else can we think of?

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Perhaps we could fix up a banner with a message of welcome.

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I could get one made. What should it say?

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Oh, well, er...

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How about,

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"Hello to our brave American allies. Go to it and you will soon be home."

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All that'll go twice round the bar and across the High Street.

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I'll cut it down. You don't need "brave American allies."

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The Americans know they're brave. We'll call 'em Yanks.

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And they'll soon find out where to go.

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And they've only just come into the war.

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-What've you got left, Joe?

-"Yanks go home."

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All right, think up a short message and don't spend more than 10/- on it.

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Right, leave it to me, sir.

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# My British buddy,

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# We're as different as can be. #

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"Hi Buddy." It's a bit brief, isn't it?

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You said don't spend more than 10/-.

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It's snappy, it's to the point. The Yanks like that.

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Godfrey, I've got a feeling that tonight is going to be a disaster. Oh dear, I do hope not.

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I must say, you look very nice, Mrs Fox.

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Oh, thank you, Mr Jones.

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I wanted to look my best. Americans are used to Hollywood blondes and we don't want to disappoint them.

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Do you like my scent?

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It's lovely.

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It's Californian Poppy, I thought it would be appropriate.

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-Do try and cheer up, Arthur.

-I'm perfectly cheerful, Mavis.

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-You don't take me out often. Make an effort.

-It isn't that.

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I can never get away from Mainwaring and the others.

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I see him at work and then on parade.

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And on our night off, we've to meet these Americans.

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I'd much rather be in a nice, cosy cocktail bar, listening to a little Noel Coward playing on the piano.

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I saw Noel Coward in that film, "In Which We Serve."

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He's not little, he's normal sized.

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-I wonder what the soldiers look like?

-I've no idea.

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Ivy saw them arrive at the station, didn't you?

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I wish you'd ask her to speak up. I can never hear a word she says.

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They're smart, they're dressed as officers.

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-Even the Privates?

-Even the Privates?

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She says yes.

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Where's Shirley? I'll give her a ring.

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Thank you for making up the darts team.

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I'm always eager to help Anglo-American relations.

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-Have a drink?

-Thank you, scotch please, large one.

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Verger?

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Lemon shandy, small one.

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Small lemon shandy and large whisky.

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Sorry, Captain, I can only let you have a single, I'm short of Scotch.

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What a mercy, providence has undertaken it all.

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You know the Vicar's weakness,

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a double this early and God, I mean, heaven knows what'd happen.

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We don't want the Americans to get the wrong impression of our clergy, do we?

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Hello.

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Good evening, Shirley is it?

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-Yes. Where's Joe?

-He's phoning you.

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I'm late because I'd to put my face on. I haven't overdone it, have I?

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-Er...

-We don't want the Yanks to get the wrong idea about us English girls.

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-Good evening, Captain Mainwaring?

-Yes.

-How are you?

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My name is Cheeseman, see, from the Eastbourne Gazette.

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-I'd like a photograph of you greeting our American allies.

-Yes, excellent.

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-And this is your good lady?

-What?

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-Your wife?

-No, certainly not.

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No, chance would be a fine thing!

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-Well, you see...

-Wilson, come over here, I want a word with you.

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You see, I'm writing a series of articles for the Gazette entitled "Doughboy Meets The Tommy."

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Phew, brilliant!

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I thought it would be a good idea...

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Well, I'll see you later Captain Mainwaring.

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-I say, tip me the wink when you're ready to take the photograph.

-Eh?

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I want to take the glasses off. I don't want them in the picture.

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I'm with you all the way, righto boy.

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Wilson, when the Americans arrive, I want you to line them up and I'll say a few appropriate words.

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-I trust you won't be too formal?

-No, of course not.

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Now, there's a Colonel in charge. How does one greet him?

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-He'll probably say, "Howdy, partner, put it there."

-What?

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-"Howdy, partner, put it there!"

-Put what, where?

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-His hand, in yours.

-What?

-Well, you just shake hands.

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-Don't be absurd.

-Well, that's what you do.

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An American Colonel wouldn't say, "Howdy partner, put it there."

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You and Pike see too many American films.

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Evening, Napoleon. Evening, Vicar.

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It's nice of you to make up our darts team.

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Always ready to beat the Home Guard.

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-What time do we kick off?

-9 o'clock.

-Why 9 o'clock?

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Because it is for the Americans.

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I hate blooming Yanks, loud mouthed, overbearing lot, I can't stand them.

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Oi, what about some service?

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WALKER: Mr Mainwaring, the Yanks are here.

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Ah, right. Jones, call the men in.

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-Come on, get fell in!

-Informally!

-Informally fall in. Informally!

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-No, not you, Mrs Fox.

-Oh, but I don't want to be left out.

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Go and sit down, Shirl. Why? The Yanks would rather meet us.

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-Sit down, please.

-Have I put this lot on for nothing?

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-Wilson, stand over here.

-Stand over where?

-Over here, come over here.

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-Mr Cheeseman, when will you take the photograph?

-Soon as they enter.

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Come and stand here, sir. Alright?

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-On behalf of the people of...

-No, sir, this is the Colonel.

-Oh...ah!

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Howdy, partner, put it there.

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-What did you say?

-I told you so!

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Turn your head a little more this way, Captain Mainwaring.

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-I'd just like to say a few words of welcome.

-Sure, go ahead.

-Right.

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-Get out of the way.

-I'm not in the way.

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You'd better put your glasses on.

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I bid you welcome on behalf of the people of Walmington-On-Sea and applaud you on entering the war.

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At last!

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Thanks a lot. My name is Colonel Shultz.

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My name's Captain Mainwaring.

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-This is Sergeant Wilson.

-It's awfully nice to meet you. Did you have a jolly crossing?

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-Very, except for one thing.

-What was that?

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-Those beastly Kraut submarines fired torpedoes at us.

-My dear, how awful!

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Now you're here we'd like you to be our guests, so relax and make yourselves feel at home.

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OK, boys, you heard the man, relax, make yourselves at home.

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Perhaps you'd like to meet some of my men, Colonel.

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-This is Lance Cpl Jones.

-Howdy.

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Very pleased to meet you, sir. I'd the honour of serving with the Americans in 1917.

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-They used to call us Limeys. I expect you know why.

-No, I can't say I do.

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Well, in times of old on British ships, the sailors used to get all scurvy and mingy,

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and the Captain got fed up of this.

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He said to them all, "Listen boys,

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"I'm sick of you all looking scurvy,

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"I want you to drink some lime juice."

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So, he made them drink lime juice in the evening.

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But, there was an American on board and he refused it

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and told the Captain what to do with it.

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The Captain ordered him to be flogged.

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As he was flogged, the Captain asked why he didn't drink his juice,

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like the brave British lads.

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The American said, "Ow, they're nothing but a lot of, ow, crawling limeys."

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That "ow" was a noise he ejaculated while he was being flogged, sir.

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-Hence, the expression, Limeys.

-You don't say (!)

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-I do. I just told you...

-Alright!

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Mavis, what on earth is going on?

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The Sergeant, here, says I'm the perfect English rose.

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You sure are, sister.

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Now, just a minute, you haven't even been introduced.

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-Listen, buddy...why don't you go take a powder?

-Take a p-p-p...?

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I believe you're jealous, Arthur.

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Wilson.

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Yes, sir, what is it?

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-This is Private Frazer.

-Howdy.

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Noo's the day and noo's the hour.

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See the front of battle lour. See proud Hitler's power.

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Wha will be a traitor knave? Wha's so base as be a slave?

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(SHOUTS) Wha would fill a coward's grave?

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Let him turn and flee.

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Well, Captain, you sure have an international unit here.

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I don't know the lingo but it sounds great.

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Where does this old timer come from?

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Scotland. And that was nay foreign lingo.

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That was a battle song by Rabbie Burns, updated by me.

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-Well, what'd you know.

-What indeed!

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-Private Godfrey.

-Good evening.

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I'm sorry. My sister, Dolly, couldn't come tonight,

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but she's sent you some of her upside down cakes. Gee, thanks.

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You've sure got some veterans. The British Army takes them so old!

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Well, of course, you see, we're not real soldiers.

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What are you talking about, not real soldiers?

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Well, we're not. We're Home Guards.

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-What?

-Part-time soldiers.

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Mr Mainwaring's a Bank Manager, I'm his Chief Clerk, others keep shops and the like.

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This was formed to protect the town against German parachute troops... and things.

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Well, now we'll do all the defending there is around here.

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You old timers relax, take it easy, huh! How kind!

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-Look here...

-Let's go to the bar.

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-What are you talking about?

-Well...

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'Ere, Colonel, come here, listen.

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If you need anything, razors, petrol coupons, let me know.

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We don't need a thing. We brought it all over with us.

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Blimey!

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Joe, do something quick. Look at them Yanks with our girls.

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Fancy you being a real cowboy!

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I bet some of you are film stars.

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I do like these American boys, they're so nice and clean cut.

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Oh...

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and ever so generous.

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Joe, come and look at his medals.

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He's got one for sharp shooting and that one for good conduct... not too good, I hope!

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Just a minute, just a minute!

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Mrs Fox, you should be ashamed, you're old enough to be his mother.

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Well, if it comes to that, you're old enough to be my father.

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-What are we going to do?

-Search me.

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They won't buy anything, they've pinched our girls,

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this war's taken a very nasty turn.

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Let's go and have a drink.

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Ivy...Ivy, you're supposed to be with me.

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-(Go away).

-Pardon?

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Mum...MUM!

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Whatever's the matter, Frank?

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He's got his arm round Ivy and he won't take it away. Make him take it away, Mum, make him.

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Don't be so silly, Frank.

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I shall never speak to you again.

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Now, Colonel,

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there, try some real old English beer.

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Captain.

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Thanks. Well, bottoms up.

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My God, it's warm!

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I bet you've never tasted the like.

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Warm? Feels quite cool to me.

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It tastes like it's from a faucet.

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You don't have force it. Just turn the tap on and it pours.

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Are you having me on, kid? Having you on what?

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-Something else, sir?

-OK, I'll have a highball.

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Give this gentleman a...

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-..highball. Have you got a highball?

-Highball? What's that?

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Scotch on the rocks. Sorry, no scotch.

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What sort of a joint is this? Is this your English hospitality?

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We've been at war for 2½ years, things are in short supply.

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What do you mean by that remark?

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Nothing really.

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Hello. I met your lot in France, in 1917, under General Perishing.

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You mean General Pershing.

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Well, I knew it was some perishing general.

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You notice I said 1917 (!) As we all know, the war started in 1914.

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Now you're going to win this one. Better late than never (!)

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The war's only been on 2½ years. It's an improvement on last time.

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Captain.

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What did you say, Buster? You're improving, waiting 2½ years!

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Hold it.

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Sir, I assure you, it was not our fault.

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The American went to hit Hodges, he dodged and I got hit.

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My men were in no way to blame.

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COLONEL: Yes, but still, a photograph of you brawling is in every newspaper.

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German propaganda will have a field day.

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The Americans are here and there's a fight.

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We're going to nip it in the bud.

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-What do you want me to do?

-I'm sending the reporter over.

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Invite the Colonel over and publicly apologise. I want a photograph of you shaking hands for the papers.

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You want me to be the scapegoat, sir?

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I'm afraid so, it's a penalty of wearing pips on your shoulders.

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You sometimes have to take the can. Now, see to it!

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Very well, sir.

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Awfully good spread, isn't it, sir?

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It's terrible, I'll never live it down.

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It's a nice one of me, isn't it? Would they send me some prints?

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Oh, I don't know.

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-Permission for you to see us, sir?

-Yes, Jones.

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We'd all like to apologise for last night, sir, but to assure you it was not our fault.

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Well, I know that, Jones, and GHQ knows it.

0:23:000:23:03

However, I've to make a public apology.

0:23:030:23:07

You're to be made the scrapecoach?

0:23:070:23:09

Yes, but even...even if I do have to make a public apology,

0:23:090:23:15

I intend to see that GHQ realises it is no responsibility of ours.

0:23:150:23:21

I'm going to write a report to clear us of all blame.

0:23:210:23:25

Tell me, in your own words, exactly what happened. Sergeant?

0:23:250:23:29

Well, sir, when the fight started I thought I would get out of the way, so I dived under the table.

0:23:290:23:37

After he thumped an American!

0:23:370:23:39

What?

0:23:390:23:41

I only gave him a couple of taps. He'd been getting on my nerves, he was too familiar with Mrs Pike.

0:23:410:23:49

Mum was furious. She locked him out and he had to sleep in the shed.

0:23:490:23:55

What about you, Jones? That's a nasty bump on your head,

0:23:580:24:02

-which American did that?

-None, sir, it was Mrs Fox.

-Mrs Fox?

0:24:020:24:08

-She didn't like my attitude to a Yank.

-Why?

0:24:080:24:12

I banged his head on the floor.

0:24:120:24:15

-I had him in a deadly, Dervish death grip.

-All right!

0:24:150:24:19

Frazer?

0:24:210:24:23

I just gave this fellow a wee bit of a push.

0:24:230:24:26

No more, mind you, no more. A wee bit of a push.

0:24:260:24:31

He knocked a whisky out of my hand, a true Scot won't stand for that!

0:24:310:24:36

It was unfortunate that he collided with a bottle that Joe was holding.

0:24:360:24:41

Yes, well, I can explain that, sir.

0:24:410:24:44

I thought I would calm things down with a sing-song.

0:24:440:24:48

I was conducting away, but I had a bottle in each hand!

0:24:480:24:53

What about you, Pike? I'm sure you weren't violent.

0:24:560:25:00

I must confess, I was, I lost my temper.

0:25:000:25:04

Those Americans kept clinging to my Ivy.

0:25:040:25:08

Mum wouldn't help, so I decided to stand up for myself and be a man!

0:25:110:25:17

What did you do?

0:25:170:25:20

I walked up to him and went thr..rr..p.

0:25:200:25:23

-Then he chased me until Mr Godfrey hit him with a chair.

-Godfrey?

0:25:270:25:33

Well, sir, he'd trodden on my sister Dolly's upside down cakes.

0:25:330:25:38

I think we'd better let sleeping dogs lie.

0:25:380:25:42

Sorry to crash in on you like this, fellas.

0:25:420:25:46

Relax, Captain, I want to apologise for last night.

0:25:460:25:50

I didn't realise what you'd been through - bombs and food shortages - so I've brought some scotch.

0:25:500:25:58

-That's awfully generous.

-Oh, forget it.

0:25:580:26:01

I'll apologise to your men and he'll take a photo.

0:26:010:26:05

Hello again, Captain Mainwaring, bach.

0:26:050:26:09

Actually, I was just about to apologise to you.

0:26:130:26:17

No, I can't let you do that.

0:26:170:26:20

As you British say, it wouldn't be cricket.

0:26:200:26:24

So, could you get your men together?

0:26:240:26:27

If you insist. Call the men, Jones.

0:26:270:26:30

-Come this way, sir.

-Right behind you, old timer.

0:26:300:26:34

-I'll give you £2 for the whisky.

-No... Get on parade.

0:26:340:26:39

-I rather like the look of that whisky, sir.

-Yes!

-..Oh!

0:26:390:26:44

-He's rather nice, Colonel Shultz.

-Just a minute, Wilson,

0:26:440:26:49

-isn't Shultz a German name?

-That's right, it is.

0:26:490:26:53

-Why's he in the American army?

-Lots of Americans have German names.

0:26:530:26:59

Really! The whole thing's got out of hand.

0:26:590:27:02

We were better on our own. At least we knew who was who and what was what.

0:27:020:27:09

Come on, get fell in, in order now.

0:27:090:27:12

-Don't worry about that, old timer, gather round informally.

-Very well.

0:27:120:27:18

In an informal group, round the Colonel, at the double, gather!

0:27:180:27:24

I just want to say sorry about last night

0:27:240:27:28

and I've brought you some candy.

0:27:280:27:31

Help me give them out, Captain.

0:27:310:27:34

My men aren't here as they're fixing up the mess for a Ladies Night.

0:27:340:27:39

Ladies Night, that reminds me.

0:27:390:27:42

-Frank, did you notice your mother was wearing her party frock at tea-time?

-Yes I did, Uncle.

0:27:420:27:50

I thought it was funny, just to make toast in.

0:27:500:27:54

When I asked Ivy to meet me after the parade, she made an excuse.

0:27:540:27:59

I knew she was lying, I could hear every word!

0:27:590:28:03

Shirley told me she couldn't come out because her hair was a mess,

0:28:030:28:08

now I know which mess!

0:28:080:28:10

Yoo hoo, Colonel, I'm all ready.

0:28:100:28:15

I'll be right with you, honey. You just wait outside in that jeep.

0:28:150:28:21

Get ready for the photo, gentlemen.

0:28:210:28:24

Excuse me, in the last war, was it only the 10% on the money it lent us, that America charged us for?

0:28:240:28:32

Now, what was that, old timer?

0:28:320:28:34

Hold it!

0:28:340:28:37

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