The Royal Train Dad's Army


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The Royal Train

Wartime sitcom. The king is coming to Walmington-on-Sea. Captain Mainwaring and the platoons prepare to greet him but things don't quite go according to plan.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

0:00:020:00:07

# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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There we are, Mr Wilson. That's better. The hairiness of your serge is pointing in the same direction.

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-We can't have you at an important parade with your serge hairiness going in different directions.

-No.

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-Thanks. It looks delightful.

-Know what the parade's for?

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Not the foggiest. At the station,

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Captain Mainwaring will read the orders

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and we've got to look VERY tidy.

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-Do your cuffs up, and your collar.

-All right!

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-Morning, Wilson.

-Morning, sir.

-Morning, Corporal.

-Morning, sir.

-Not late, am I?

-Not at all.

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-I had to pop into the chemist for Mrs Mainwaring.

-Nothing serious?

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-She can't sleep for air-raids.

-There haven't been any lately.

-She imagines it. Highly strung.

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-So you said.

-Slightest noise, she tosses and turns. Dustbin lid blew off last night.

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She went under my bunk with her gas mask on.

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Took me 20 minutes to persuade her to come out. Nightgown covered with fluff. I brushed it off. Terrible!

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Couldn't you get her some sleeping-tablets or something?

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-Exactly what I have done.

-Good.

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We never had modern medication in the Sudan, sir. Only Cascara and Bicarbonate of Soda.

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That wouldn't help Mrs Mainwaring.

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No, they didn't make us sleep. Very good at making you run and belch, though.

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-We did a lot of that.

-I'm sure (!)

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-'Scuse me, Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-Do we know what the parade's for?

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-No, not till I've opened the sealed orders.

-In that case, I'll take the Tommy gun.

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I haven't had it for three weeks, two days. It's my turn.

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-Stupid boy, look what you've done!

-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.

-You've broken the bottle.

-I'll pick 'em up.

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-Those cost 13 shillings.

-Really?

-Look at that! All broken glass.

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You can't have Mrs Mainwaring eating broken glass. That could mean instant death.

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Ye-es... Just dust them over a bit.

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-Wilson, have you got anything to put these in?

-I'll look.

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There may be a bottle in here. It's the Vicar's but he won't mind.

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-Seem to be tablets in there.

-Yes. It's saccharin. Says so here. "One tablet per lump of sugar."

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-I'd rather do without.

-It won't do Mrs Mainwaring any harm, sir. It might even sweeten her nature.

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-Just fall the men in, will you?

-Yes, sir.

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# The King is still in London, In London, in London,

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# And he would be in London town If London Bridge was falling down! #

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# ..Braggart's in my step,

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# Ye've never smelt the tangle o' the Isles. Oh...!

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# An' if ye show it tae the pictures Ye'll get a stronger brew... #

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Fall out!

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Captain Mainwaring, sir.

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-Yes, Fraser?

-Yer tea is on the brew, sir.

-Well done, Fraser.

-Thank you, sir.

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We've got a few minutes before I open the sealed orders, so take your tea break.

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Hang on, hang on, just a minute!

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Before you start, it's threepence a cup. Tea's hard to come by. < Hey, Joe!

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Before you collect the money, there's no milk or sugar.

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Couldn't Mike get you some? It hasn't arrived. Not to worry.

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Blimey, it's locked!

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Joe Walker, ye'll burn in the Devil's own private furnace!

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What d'you mean? Who got it for 'im in the first place?

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-Captain Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-When you've opened the sealed orders are you going to eat 'em?

-What for?

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-So they don't fall into the hands of spies and quislings.

-I volunteer to eat the secret orders, sir!

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-I'd consider it a great honour.

-Oh, be quiet!

-(What's the matter with 'im?) >

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-You can't say a word to 'im.

-Stand by, everybody.

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-About to open the sealed orders.

-Pay attention! Absolute silence while the officer opens the orders!

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-Absolute silence.

-That's enough!

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-All right, sir?

-It's this blasted bottle. I can't...

-Can I help?

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-Here, hold it.

-Right.

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-Map.

-Right.

-Don't lose that! We might need it.

-Yes.

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-Here we are. Outside, Wilson.

-I won't look, sir.

-Outside, please!

-Right, right.

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Ah!

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What is it, sir? I can't stand the suspicion!

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-He's not there, sir.

-Who isn't?

-Oh!

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Get in your place, Jones!

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This is exciting. Listen carefully.

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Listen carefully! The officer will divest himself of the secret orders. Listen carefully!

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-Thank you.

-They're listening carefully.

-Yes, yes!

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Gather a little closer, will you? I'm not going to speak in a loud voice...

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..because this secret must not be known by anybody outside this room. Understand?

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-In 20 minutes, a train will come through this station.

-I told you it had to do with trains!

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-And it will be carrying... the person of His Majesty King George VI.

-No...!

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King George VI! What's 'e coming 'ere for? The Rotary Dance is on Saturday.

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He'll simply be going through on the Royal Train. Camouflaged.

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Is the train camouflaged, or the King?

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I see. The train is camouflaged.

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Our visit has two purposes. No unauthorised person must get near the train.

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And we shall form a guard of honour and give the royal salute as the train steams by.

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This is a great honour. It's also absolutely secret.

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-No living soul must get an inkling.

-DOOR BANGS

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-Has he arrived yet?

-Who?

-The King.

-Sshh!

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-How did you know that?

-This is not a vanilla ice. I'm very important! I'll be back in ten minutes.

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-How did HE find out?

-Somebody told him in case of air-raids.

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-We'd better have a practice, sir.

-Yes, all right. Good idea.

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No, no...wait a minute.

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That would give the game away.

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-We could manage here if we squeeze up close.

-Yes, at a pinch. Fall in as quick as you can.

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I'll give the words of command in a very low voice,

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-because NOBODY must know that the King is on this train.

-Been one of those days!

-Yes.

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The King coming, me without a top hat, her with gravy down her tunic. Come on, I'll sponge you down.

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I suppose he has to be in possession of all the facts.

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"Sponge you down"?!

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Now... Present arms.

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-ALL: One, two, three, one, two, three.

-One.

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Pike, you know you can't present a Tommy gun.

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-What shall I do, then?

-Just come to attention.

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-Oh. Like that?

-That's right. And take that silly scarf off.

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-I don't think I'd better. Me mum said I looked peaky.

-Take it OFF!

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-Slope arms.

-One, two, three, one, two, three.

-One.

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Try and keep up with the others, Jones. Present arms.

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-1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3.

-One.

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I can't just stand doing nothing. The King will think I'm rude.

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It's perfectly all right.

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-Could I show it to him, then, like that?

-Get back and stand to attention, Pike.

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I feel such a fool, that's all.

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I'm at a dead end, too. D'you think I ought to wave?

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Silence in the ranks! Slope arms.

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HEATED DISCUSSION

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Pike! Pike! Any more trouble from you and I'll take that gun away and send you home.

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Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring.

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Some of the trains pass at 60 mph. By the time we've presented arms, the King will be nearly at Eastgate.

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Quite right. You've got to do it very swiftly. Imagine you spy the train coming.

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Present arms! 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3... There goes the King!

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Slope arms! 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3... Something like that, sir.

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-I think Jones and Walker have quite a good idea there.

-Yes...well, perhaps so.

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We'll have to have two versions of it, won't we? The slow present and the quick present.

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Let's try it. Quick present...arms!

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No precision there at all. Slope arms again.

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-Have we...have we missed him?

-What?

-I represent the church, and the Mayor represents the council.

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I represent the ARP. And I'm a sightseer.

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-No sightseers on the platform.

-Why not? He's just as much MY king as he is yours.

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-TRAIN WHISTLES

-Good heavens! He's here already. Outside. Line up on the platform.

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The King's coming! Don't panic! The King's coming!

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-That's it. Quick as you can. Dress by the right.

-Dress by the right for the King!

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-Civilians to the rear.

-Don't shove!

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ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

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Squad 'shun! Slope arms!

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-Slope...arms!

-One, two, three, one, two, three.

-One.

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Ahem. Here it comes. Right! Chins in, chests out!

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-Coming very slowly, sir.

-We'll do the slow present arms. Pass it on.

-Slow present arms. Pass it on.

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Pass on the slow present... gonna do the slow do.

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Slow present...arms!

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One, two, three, one, two, three, one!

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I think it's going to stop, sir.

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PUFFING SLOWS DOWN

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I think it IS stopping, Mr Mainwaring.

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Stop talking in the ranks! Hold the present!

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Perhaps it's not a corridor train

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-and the King wants to get out and have a...

-That'll do, Jones!

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Go and get some red carpet.

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-Where am I to get red carpet?

-Just do as you're told. Get some!

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Doesn't look like a royal train. Perhaps it's camouflaged.

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HISSING OF STEAM

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War or no war, it's a disgrace! Complain to Steam Maintenance. I'm going to.

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Excuse us, mate.

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GRUMBLING LOUDLY

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'Ere, see if you can squeeze one out of that pot. I'll give 'em an earful.

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Look at it! Hardly any grip. Couldn't you pack it with paper?

0:14:480:14:53

You don't pack steam brakes with a bit of paper!

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Hello? I want George Martin at once on this phone, in person!

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They've used up all the sugar. Eh?

0:15:040:15:07

"Saccharin." Eugh! Ever tried it?

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No, no. Better than nothing. How many lumps? Four.

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Same as me. What's it say...? "One tablet for each lump."

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Excuse me... You don't happen to have a piece of red carpet, do you? A few feet would do.

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-No, sorry, mate.

-Didn't think you would. Thanks awfully.

0:15:290:15:34

Hello? Is that you, George? George, Henry Burstall here.

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You know the square boss on the steam brake wheel? It's round!

0:15:420:15:47

-Captain Mainwaring, I think this is a rum do.

-The King wouldn't travel on that. It's too scruffy.

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-Perhaps it's part of some master plan to which we're not privy.

-Excuse me...

-Stay there, Godfrey!

0:15:550:16:02

I'll see if I can find an equerry.

0:16:020:16:06

Your Majesty, are you there?

0:16:080:16:11

Are you there, Your Majesty?

0:16:130:16:16

Anyone there?

0:16:170:16:20

Your Majesty?

0:16:200:16:23

Ahem... Your Majesty?

0:16:290:16:32

-I beg your pardon?!

-Sorry. Wrong person.

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This is the best I could do, sir.

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What's all this rubbish doing here?

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It's the Snettlefold stopping train.

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The King's not on THAT! Who left it here?

0:16:490:16:53

-The driver. He went in the office.

-I bet it's that Henry Burstall. Henry, you're stopping the King!

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-Sshh! It's a secret.

-Get this lot on to the siding!

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Henry, d'you hear me?

0:17:050:17:06

Henry! Give over snoring when I'm talking to you.

0:17:080:17:12

-They're dead drunk!

-Hang on...

0:17:120:17:15

The bottle's empty. They must have swallowed all the pills.

0:17:170:17:21

-The King can't pass while that train is stuck.

-Push it.

-With 2 elephants! I can drive it.

0:17:210:17:29

-Better get Snettlefold to send a driver.

-That'll take half an hour.

0:17:290:17:35

-Shall I get my sister to put the kettle on? I can drive it!

-What?

-The train.

0:17:350:17:42

-I learned at the Schoolboys' Exhibition. It's easy!

-He'd never allow...

-We're not asking him.

0:17:420:17:48

This is Walmington. Can you send us up a driver?

0:17:480:17:54

What's happening? I'm asking for a driver.

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Mainwaring's shifting the train. I've no time for argy-bargy!

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-Come on, Mr Godfrey, Mr Fraser...

-No need for us all up here.

0:18:030:18:10

Away, man! I wouldn't miss this, not for £3!

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You'll need me to change the points at the siding.

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-Right, off you go, Pike.

-Aye, aye, Mr Mainwaring. Full steam ahead.

-You know, sir...

0:18:230:18:29

-I can't help feeling it's not an awfully good idea.

-Stop being a wet blanket. Get some coal on.

0:18:290:18:37

-We're on the shift, sir!

-Do we have any tongs?

-Get a shovel.

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'Ere! Where are you going? I told you! Come back! Stop!

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D'you think they'll need this? That ought to be on the brake.

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What are you doing with that? Don't push me! He pushed me!

0:18:580:19:03

Stop bickering! Is it important? Without it, they can't stop. After them!

0:19:030:19:10

I'm enjoying this, Mr Mainwaring.

0:19:100:19:13

-You know, Wilson, I've wanted to drive a train since I was a small boy.

-Yes?

0:19:130:19:19

-Give it a bit more, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

0:19:190:19:22

-Captain...the Warden, the Vicar and the Verger are chasing after us like mad things.

-For a free ride.

0:19:230:19:31

-That's far enough.

-Right, Pike. Slow down.

-OK, Mr Mainwaring.

0:19:310:19:37

-Mr Mainwaring...

-Yes?

-Should be a little wheel there.

-Never mind the technical details.

0:19:400:19:47

-Just stop the train.

-I can't, can I? That wheel's the brake.

0:19:470:19:51

-You said you knew how to drive this thing.

-I can't stop it without a brake.

-Don't use that tone to me!

0:19:510:19:59

-That'll make it go faster!

-How DO we stop it?

0:20:000:20:03

WE CAN'T STOP THE TRAIN! DON'T PANIC!

0:20:030:20:06

We'll never catch them like this!

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They can't stop without this wheel. Give me a hand.

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If we turn the power off, surely we'll stop.

0:20:260:20:30

-Yes. Turn the power off.

-Wrong way. You'll make it go faster!

0:20:300:20:34

No good. We'll freewheel. It's downhill all the way. Suppose there's a train ahead!

0:20:360:20:43

Look, look! The Warden is following us on a wee bit bogey. Look!

0:20:430:20:49

Come on, faster!

0:20:490:20:51

He has the brake wheel in his hand!

0:20:530:20:57

If there's another train and we run into it, dozens will be killed and injured.

0:20:580:21:04

-I'll work my way back and get hold of that wheel.

-There's no corridor.

-Then I'll go over the roof.

0:21:040:21:10

-Be careful!

-I can't let you go on your own, sir. I'm coming to assist you.

0:21:120:21:19

I'll steady you, sir.

0:21:190:21:22

-You're in charge now, Wilson.

-Oh, good!

0:21:270:21:31

Mr Mainwaring, sir,

0:21:310:21:34

don't you think you ought to have a scarf? There's a chilly wind.

0:21:340:21:39

Come on, put your backs into it! Don't push me! He pushed me, Your Reverence.

0:21:410:21:48

-Frank, keep it steady.

-I'm trying.

0:21:480:21:52

Oh-h-h!

0:21:520:21:54

Captain Mainwaring, you'll be safe if you hold my hand.

0:21:540:21:59

-Go back, Jones.

-No, sir. Where you go, I go. It's very slippery, isn't it?

-Yes.

0:21:590:22:07

Someone ought to tell them. It's not very nice for people walking along, and it's sli... OOH!

0:22:070:22:14

Oh, sir...you saved my life, sir.

0:22:200:22:23

I'll never forget that, sir. Thank you, sir!

0:22:230:22:28

-Sir...Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-Don't go near the edge.

0:22:280:22:33

Just keep pumping. If we get close enough, I'll chuck it.

0:22:330:22:40

-What's happening, Fraser?

-They're coming closer.

0:22:400:22:45

Keep pumping, and I'll chuck.

0:22:560:22:59

-Got it.

-Well caught, Mr Mainwaring. Now get it to the end that puffs.

0:23:140:23:18

Right, you can ease up now.

0:23:180:23:22

Frank, I've been thinking. That great big lever must do something.

0:23:220:23:28

-Oh, yes. That makes it change gear, go faster. Or go backwards.

-Right.

0:23:280:23:33

Couldn't we put it into reverse and that might stop it? I suppose so.

0:23:330:23:38

-Or it'll make it blow up.

-If we're going to hit that train, we ought to try.

0:23:380:23:46

All right, then.

0:23:460:23:49

Here goes!

0:23:490:23:51

Oh-h...oh-h...!

0:23:530:23:56

Mr Mainwaring...oh! You saved my life again, sir.

0:23:560:24:00

-Where would I be without you?

-What the hell are they doing?!

0:24:000:24:06

-I think it's stopping, Uncle Arthur.

-Well done, Frank.

0:24:060:24:09

I think they're stopping. They can't have got the wheel back yet.

0:24:140:24:19

They're stopping anyway. Perhaps they've used another lever.

0:24:190:24:22

You're right! They've used reverse. They're coming towards us.

0:24:280:24:33

Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. Get pumping!

0:24:330:24:40

Snettlefold should have seen them. Perhaps they've stopped. How can they without the wheel?

0:24:550:25:00

TRAIN HOOTS Blimey, they're coming back! Get them into the siding.

0:25:000:25:05

Do be careful, sir. It's dangerous.

0:25:140:25:17

-Have you got me?

-That's it. Right.

0:25:170:25:21

There's the wheel, Pike. Fix it on!

0:25:210:25:24

LOUD WHISTLE > Blimey, that'll be the King! Come on!

0:25:390:25:47

You ruddy hooligans! You nearly killed us. It's quite possible that he HAS.

0:25:490:25:55

-The King's coming, Mr Mainwaring, the King's coming!

-All right, lads, smarten yourselves up.

0:25:550:26:03

Hey, Pikey, what's that?

0:26:100:26:11

That's where the engine picks up water. They drop a scoop down and spray flies everywhere.

0:26:110:26:17

If we stand here, we'll be soaked. Yeah!

0:26:170:26:21

-Uncle Arthur.

-Hmm?

-Better tell Mr Mainwaring.

-Just line up, Frank.

-We'll get all WET, Mr Mainwaring!

0:26:210:26:29

Drop of rain won't hurt you, boy. Royal Salute. Present...arms!

0:26:290:26:35

One, two, three, one, two, three, one!

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Classic wartime sitcom. The king is coming to Walmington-on-Sea. Captain Mainwaring and the platoons prepare to greet him, but as usual things don't go quite according to plan.