We Know Our Onions Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

This is a very impressive weapon.

As soon as them Nazi paratroopers cop this, you won't see 'em for dust.

Dragging this gun is an awful fag.

An awful fag?! This gun is very important in our efficiency tests.

The orders stated, "Bring the Smith gun."

That's right. It says here, "Bring sandwiches. ..And the Smith gun."

-Get the men loaded.

-The van's locked, sir. Walker's got the key.

-Go and get it! And hurry up!

-Right, sir. Hurry...

-Did you get the cover made for the gun, Godfrey?

-Yes, sir.

-Where is it?

-In the cab.

-My sister worked on it till midnight.

-Go and put it on. Help him, Frazer.

Joe? Where's the key of the van? Mr Mainwaring wants to get started.

PHONE RINGS

-Jack Jones, the butcher.

-I gave Joe 50 quid for half a ton of onions.

-I want them here. Where are they?

-Don't ask ME.

-I want 'em here at once!

-Well, we're going away for the weekend.

-For the weekend?!

-Yes, on a Home Guard proficiency test.

I'm coming for my onions and if I don't get 'em, there won't be bread in your sausages, there'll be YOU!

And I shan't be fussy where I put the seasoning!

Joe!

The cover's on, sir. Would you like to look at it?

-What's this, Godfrey?

-It's an old chair-cover.

-We'll look like a lot of pansies.

-They've gone to a lot of trouble. Don't hurt his feelings.

-Very well.

It's awfully nice, but we don't need it now. It's not raining.

-Sir!

-Ah, Walker. Unlock the van.

-That's difficult, sir.

-Why?

-Well... You see... The thing is...

-Oh, give it to me!

And Walker,

if you've been at any monkey business,

I shall be down on you like a ton of bricks.

You're all oniony. He's all oniony, Mr Wilson.

-I was delivering those onions to a customer.

-How dare you! I'll talk to you afterwards.

-Come on, Wilson. Let's go.

-Shall we unload the onions?

-No, we're already late.

Get the men to climb over the onions.

At the double! On the onions, climb!

Uncle Arthur, I can't travel on those onions. I shall cry my eyes out.

Don't be so namby-pamby. Get on board.

-I shall tell Mum.

-Just get on.

-Wilson!

-Coming.

Here!

Where are you going with my onions? Oi! I want my onions! Do you hear me?

OW! My foot!

Come on! In my lorry. We'll follow them!

HE SNIFFS NOISILY

Stop that snivelling, boy.

-I can't help it. It's the onions.

-Haven't you got a handkerchief?

-No.

Wilson!

-Sir?

-Give this boy a handkerchief.

You know, sir...

-..going on these efficiency tests is courting disaster.

-Nonsense. Anyway, we couldn't get out of them.

PIKE HALF BLOWS HIS NOSE, HALF SNORTS

Look, move down one, will you, boy?

If we funked it, they'd say it was because we had no confidence in ourselves.

-I have every confidence in ourselves.

-Thank you.

And I have confidence in YOU because you are confident. You are confident because you have confidence in us.

Even if you hadn't, you wouldn't show it. And that gives me confidence.

It doesnae give ME any confidence.

Don't roll your eyes like that.

Now, if we pass these tests, we shall get 12 stars.

I want us to be a 12-star platoon because a 12-star platoon...

-Well, you know what that means.

-A mention in the AA book.

Walker, you're on very thin ice.

< Mr Mainwaring?

The window.

WALKER: I'll get rid of them.

What do YOU want? My onions! His onions.

I can't come now. I'm not hanging about!

-Tell them to go away.

-They won't.

-Shut the window.

The important thing to remember...

They're still there.

Oh, really!

Clear off!

As I was saying...

..whatever's in store for us, I'm relying on you to keep on your toes.

Last week I met a sergeant in the Eastbourne Home Guard. His people knew my people years ago.

-A nice fellow.

-We're not interested in your social life.

-Then I shan't tell you.

-What?

He'd been on these tests.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Everyone, listen to Sergeant Wilson.

Well, first they fire a lot of questions at you. Then the officer goes out and leaves you.

Then somebody else comes in, in disguise, and plants a bomb!

On my signal, whoever comes in, we'll jump on them.

They also search you for weapons.

Don't worry, sir. I'm fully prepared.

What's that, Jonesy?

-It's a rummel.

-A terrible weapon!

-What's a rummel?

-It's what Thugs use in India to strangle their victims.

-They did a lot of strangling...

-I doubt we'll need it.

Don't be too sure, Sir! That knot there should be a silver rupee,

but my half a crown will do as well.

You creep up behind them and swing it like that,

then you tighten it and tighten it. It don't half make their eyes water.

Er... Put it away!

FALL IN AT THE DOUBLE!

QUICK MARCH! JUMP TO IT!

GUARD...

..'SHUN!

Stand at EASE! Stand still.

Good morning. My name...is Ramsey.

RRRamsey!

I must warn you that, once inside those doors, anything can happen. Are YOU prepared for the worst?

ARE you?

Yes, sir. He's prepared for the worst.

All together. What are you prepared for?

ALL: For the worst! RAMSEY: You're crying!

I'm not.

You ARE. You're a coward. A coward!

-I hate cowards.

-Well, actually, sir, it's the onions.

Rubbish!

One of your men crying - it's not a very good start. What is it?

-It's not a very good start, sir.

-All together!

ALL: Not a very good start.

'Ten-SHUN!

Right TURN! At the double, QUICK march!

Left-right. Left-right.

And YOU! Lift those heels up!

RAMSEY CONTINUES TO SHOUT IN TIME

Hup-hup, hup-hup, hup-hup-HUP!

< Get 'em up! Halt, one-two!

Right turn!

Sergeant, search 'em for weapons.

Sir!

You are now under battle conditions.

This part of the test is worth four stars.

My sergeant and I can be a Gestapo officer, a British naval officer - anything. Searched them, Sergeant?

All clear!

Right. Over here.

For a moment, I thought he was going to comprehend my rummel.

Captain, Sergeant, Corporal - to the desk. The remainder, on the bench!

Can he no' talk the King's English?

I want you to be alert and on your toes. What do I want?

ALL: Be alert!

UP!

DOWN!

UP!

Down! Up-down!

Up...!

Ohh!

Excuse me, I think I missed one. Shall I stand up and sit down again?

Keep sitting. The first part of this test is for officers and NCOs only.

You four at the back will criticise your leaders. What will you do?

Criticise them!

Corporal, when I blow my whistle, I am a Gestapo officer. What am I?

Y-you...

Come on!

I'm confused.

I am a Gestapo officer. What am I?

You are a Gest-office-apo.

(Gestapo.)

Gestapo officer!

Right.

You fool!

Get him back to his place! Back!

You said you was Gestapo. I was being alert.

Not until I blow my whistle!

Somehow, I don't think we'll get those 12 stars.

-I thought he was the Gestapo. I mean...

-Right, right, RIGHT!

NOW I'm Gestapo.

You, Sergeant, what are you doing in France?

-I'm not IN France.

-You parachuted in, I've captured you, and now I'm interrogating you.

-I see.

Bonjour. Comment allez-vous?

You're not supposed to say anything! Now, what are you doing in France?

-I don't know.

-Trying to blow up a munitions factory.

-Oh. I was trying to blow up a munitions factory.

-So, you admit it!

-Really, this is too absurd.

Sergeant,

I'll show you how absurd it is.

I'm putting matches underneath your fingernails, setting light to them.

They're burning down. They've reached your fingers. You're in agony. How do you like that?

Well, to be honest, it isn't really bothering me very much.

Comment. He's very brave. Rubbish!

Guard my rear, Sergeant.

Sir.

(Get out of it! Clear off, you fools!)

Right.

Next question. Captain?

Sir...! Ohh!

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes?

In what capacity are you now speaking, sir? Gestapo or what?

I am not anyone. I'm ME.

-You ought to blow your whistle.

-What for?

Last time, you said, "I am not Gestapo till I blow my whistle." Then you blew your whistle.

So you ought to say, "I am not me till I blow my whistle." Blow your whistle and say, "Now I'm me."

I don't need to say when I'm me. I know who I am. They know who I am. Sit down!

Well, he ought to blow his whistle...

All RIGHT!

All right.

Now I am me.

-Satisfied?

-Thank you very much, sir.

Now he's him.

Now, Captain, you are in a balloon, travelling across enemy territory with your men.

The balloon is losing height. You must push one of them out.

-Which one?

-I'd call for a volunteer.

-Can't do that.

Choose one. What must he do?

Choose one.

I would prefer to throw myself out, but I realise I am too valuable.

I'm afraid it'd have to be Private Godfrey.

Comment.

Sound common sense.

Comment.

Well, it shouldn't be ME. I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've done no living at all.

That's why it SHOULD be you! What you've never had, you never miss.

If we're losing height, we can wait till we hit the ground and Godfrey can step out.

-Thank you, Mr Wilson.

-Not at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my sergeant and I will leave the room for a time.

Sir, may I leave the room with you?

No, you could not!

Right, gather round. Gather round.

Remember what happens when the officer leaves the room? Someone enters in disguise with a bomb.

How many marks? Marks?! I'd like to mark that corporal for life.

Shall I take their tea in?

You might as well. Give me mine first.

Whoever comes out of that door will be carrying a bomb. We'll get four stars for this.

Tea's up. Tea's up!

Be careful.

-It's a girl!

-Rubbish! Get his wig off!

You lot are worse than the regulars!

-PIKE: The bomb must be in the tea-urn.

-Get rid of it!

C-R-A-S-H!

Hooligans! Reckless hooligans!

Do you mind turning the tap off, please? It's running all over my vestment.

RAMSEY: Squad, stand at ease. Stand still!

This is phase two of the test. If you pass this, you get four stars.

Get all your men over this electrified fence using only this equipment.

If you touch the fence, an alarm goes off and you start again.

Excuse me. Is this a hypothetical electrified fence or is it real?

It is a hypothetical electrified fence, with a small charge running through it for a hint of zest.

Thank you.

It'll just give you a wee shock.

You have three minutes to assess the situation and half an hour to complete the test.

On you go.

Pay attention.

This is a tough one, but we can crack it.

I suggest we all think very hard for a minute. Then I want ideas, thick and fast.

Go.

-Time up. Wilson?

-Well... Er... I...

-Frazer?

-Aye! If we could just get...

No.

Pike?

..Sorry. I'm not ready yet.

Jones?

-Corporal JONES!

-Ahh...

Acrobats, sir!

-What?

-I saw it once in a circus, sir.

Put the plank on that small oil-drum.

I stand on one end. Private Walker jumps on the other end and levitates me over the fence.

-He'd break his neck, sir.

-Far too dangerous.

-Let me do it.

Start!

I won't go up too high. Just enough to go over the fence.

Come along. Move, move!

Walker, come on. Give us a hand.

You've got to admire Jones. I like to see guts.

You probably WILL.

Right! Get ready to jump, Joe!

-I hope you know what you're doing, Jonesy.

-Don't argue. Ready, steady...

..jump!

What's going on?

-Ready, Jones?

-Ready!

Right.

Lift.

FENCE BUZZES

Start again!

-Take it easy, Jones.

-All right, sir.

I'm nearly there, sir. Nearly over.

I'm nearly there, sir.

BUZZ!

Jonesy! Jonesy, come back!

Time's up.

Can't we have an extension? We've nearly got it licked.

All right.

Start again!

By the left, forward.

I think I'm going to make it, sir!

-Say a little prayer for him, sir.

-I'm going to make it...

BUZZ!

-Start again!

->

Same again, Clark.

Sorry, sir. I've got to close. It's midnight.

Oh, very well. I'm away to my bed.

-Are you over, Jones?

-Nearly, sir.

BUZZ!

Got it licked, Mainwaring (?)

Start again!

Platoon, atten-shun!

At ease!

Stand still. Right.

This is the final phase of the test. If you pass this, you get four stars.

Permission to speak, sir?

May I be so forward as to ask how many stars we have enquired so far?

In the first test, nothing.

In the second, one star for perseverance even though you kept me awake all night.

-At least we've got ONE.

-You haven't done well. What haven't you done?

ALL: We haven't done well.

Confession is good for the soul. What is it good for?

-The soul.

-That boy's crying again.

I'm not! You ARE!

Coward!

-I've told you, it's the onions.

-I'm NOT a coward!

I've done ever such brave things - even taken dead mice out of traps.

Pike...

Right! Concealed in that copse over there is a body of my men.

I will blow my whistle. You will have 15 minutes to prepare yourselves.

My men will advance. You will fire three dummy bombs. They will retreat. Clear?

-That seems straightforward.

-Couldn't be more straightforward.

Sergeant, give them the charges.

Three charges.

-Where are the dummy bombs?

-That's the interesting part. Follow me.

About turn!

Your onions, Mr Hodges!

What a queue there'll be outside my shop tomorrow! Let's get the van!

­ Gather round!

You are all familiar with this fence.

Where ARE the dummy bombs?

EVERYONE GROANS

Your men will get over the fence, collect the bombs, get back again.

If you touch the fence, you will start again.

We couldn't get over that fence in five hours!

I said this whole weekend would finish in disaster.

Double back to your gun and wait for my signal. Clear?

Yes, sir. Very clear indeed.

Right.

Hurry up!

Should we take these onions without permission? They're mine!

Hold your frock out!

-Look! They're messing wi' our van.

-Damn cheek!

Forward, at the double!

Hold still!

Now, look here. Look here. How dare you interfere with our van!

-These are mine.

-We're doing a 12-star test!

-Clear off!

Don't bother with him. You have more important things to do. Follow me!

Stand up to him, and he's like a pricked balloon.

RAMSEY BLOWS HIS WHISTLE

The first whistle. We've got 15 minutes.

Better get to the fence.

Wait. There must be a way. Let's all think.

Captain, it's just occurred to me - this is a smooth-bore weapon. You can fire anything from it!

Yeah, like that film Captain Blood, with Errol Flynn.

We've got the charges. We just need some nuts and bolts.

-We haven't got any.

-Take 'em off Jones' van.

How dare you?! You can't take my van to pieces!

Captain Mainwaring, if we fire the gun at those people, we might make holes in them...and spoil them.

Or kill 'em!

Of course. The idea is absurd.

-If we fire this gun, we want something hard, but not lethal.

-We haven't got anything like that...

Wait a minute.

Onions!

That's the lot. You took long enough.

Just a minute.

-We want those onions.

-No.

-In the name of the King...

-You can't have 'em!

-We'll buy them.

-You're not registered with me.

-Well, you're registered with ME, and you've had it for kidneys!

All right. A shilling a pound.

­ You bought 'em at fourpence!

-We'll take 20 pounds.

-That'll cost you a quid.

Lend me a pound, Wilson.

- Looks like they've funked the test. - It's what I'd expect from softies.

That's enough, Pike. Hurry up, Verger!

Range - 200 yards.

-Range - 200 yards. Right, sir.

-Load the charge.

Loaded!

Stand by!

Backing out, are you? I shan't even give you one star now.

-We're not backing out of anything.

-Huh! I'm due to blow the whistle in 30 seconds.

-Go ahead.

-There's no point.

-Oh, give it to ME.

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

THEY CHEER

Well done, men! We achieved the object of the exercise.

I take my hat off to you, Mainwaring.

That's the best bit of initiative I've seen so far.

I'm going to give you...

..twelve stars.

Sir!

Did you hear that, men? A 12-star platoon!

Just a minute. Where are you going?

-To pick up those onions!

-They're OURS!

-Come on, men!

-Get after them.

Subtitles by BBC 1993