Episode 2 Dirk Gently

COMPUTER: 'Welcome to

'St Cedd's Institute of Science and Technology.'

Not only are all things interconnected,

but the connections between cause and effect are often more complex

and subtle than we might naturally suppose.

But, you, Dirk, have taken the interconnectedness of all things

and applied them to the social world.

Your holistic detective agency is a breakthrough

in applied quantum mechanics.

Any innovation on my part is entirely down

-to your influence, Professor.

-You're too kind.

I didn't dare to dream that I would ever return, in triumph,

my head held high.

I don't think anyone did, Dirk. After what happened.

Gentlemen, David Cho.

Dirk Gently and Richard...

-Richard MacDuff, partner.

-Assistant.

Dirk is an alumnus of this department

-and our new security consultant.

-Holistic security consultant.

We prevent the whole crime, thwart the entire espionage.

David has flown all the way from Beijing

to help solve some of our programming issues.

-Hi.

-The boy is a genius, working closely with Dr Emelda Ransome.

She and her team are engaged in the creation

of a fully autonomous artificial intelligence.

They've named him Max.

It's a totally new approach to artificial intelligence,

modelled on the brain's synaptic patterns.

Once the learning protocol of the neural net is live,

Max will teach himself, becoming a thousand times more intelligent

than Einstein in a matter of moments.

Unfortunately, Max has yet to show any sign of life.

And whose fault is that?

And this, gentlemen, is my greatest achievement.

My gynoid.

Elaine's hands are powered by a set of 40 individual muscles.

80 valves control the flow of air into each muscle,

acting on information gathered from 170 joint sensors.

Voice-activated. Shake hands with our new guests, Elaine.

That is both amazing and frightening.

Elaine. You named her after your daughter?

A little light out of all that darkness.

Things have certainly changed since you were here, Dirk.

Our recent breakthroughs are the envy of the scientific community.

Good to have you here, Dirk. A mind like yours, you belong here.

Such a shame you couldn't complete your studies.

I see this as an opportunity to redeem myself

after the unfortunate series of events that led to my expulsion.

-You have nothing to redeem yourself for.

-Professor!

And right now, you're the only person I can trust.

Professor Jericho!

I think someone is selling our work.

I have let you down before, Professor.

If there was a God, which we, as men of science, surely cannot accept,

-I would swear to him that I will not fail you again.

-Good man.

Professor Jericho. Max is alive.

Doctor Ransome, I believe we have been here before.

Max spoke to me. You have to come and see this, please.

Would you excuse me, Dirk?

Well, they might have made a robot that can shake hands,

but the coffee hasn't got any better. What'd I miss?

-Only the creation of artificial life.

-Ooh.

We're going to take advantage of the fact that the staff

and students are away on their summer holidays

to subject the department's physical defences

to an exacting, empirical test.

All looks pretty secure to me.

Looks can be deceptive.

-Dirk! This is a listed building.

-That is no excuse for lax security.

An industrial spy could be through this in a second.

Well, they could now.

This is the student records archive.

This isn't part of the Science and Technology Department.

A holistic approach should, by its very definition, encompass the entire building.

Dirk! Hey!

Hey!

Shoddy. Very shoddy.

What exactly are we doing here, Dirk?

I've never believed the excuses the university proffered

-for my expulsion.

-I thought you got kicked out for cheating?

That is a gross and inaccurate rumour.

Here we are. Minor misconduct, misconduct.

Gross minor misconduct, minor but gross misconduct.

Here we are, "Disciplinary Hearing. Year Three."

It's gone missing. Someone's removed the file.

ALARM BLARES

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Professor?

Where the hell were you?

Elaine's been stolen. The gynoid. My robot. She's gone!

Well, we've searched the entire department. It's not here.

-It's clearly been stolen.

-Well, of course it's been stolen.

Richard MacDuff. Occupation - stating the bloody obvious.

I know you're upset. Don't take it out on me.

-Feel better?

-No!

What the hell is she doing here?

-Hello. "She"? I do have a name.

-She's got an interview.

-She?

Susan's got an interview for running her own practice in Cambridge.

You know this. We talked about it.

I thought your were joking. You haven't seen a robot?

-A robot?

-Yeah. She's white, black eyes, about five-five,

-strangely erotic, answers to the name of Elaine.

-No.

This is a disaster.

MacDuff!

I should, erm...

-What's going on?

-I'll tell you later.

Yes?

Have you found her?

-Not exactly.

-Either you have or you haven't.

I would have thought a scientific mind such as your own

would accept there is often a grey area in-between.

Where were you, Dirk? Where were you?

We were testing the department's security on a holistic level.

Could Elaine have gone off on her own accord?

She's not sentient, you idiot. She only responds to voice commands.

-Well, maybe we should call the police.

-No!

-No!

No police. No.

If our funders find out that Elaine's gone,

it'll be the final nail in our coffin. We're finished.

It was all for nothing.

Professor Jericho...

..I will find Elaine.

And I shall do so using the theories and methods

that I first learnt within these hallowed walls.

Or, this is just a thought before anyone shouts at me again,

we could check the security cameras.

I already checked.

-He's already checked.

-The cameras were down when Elaine was stolen.

Well, that's very convenient, isn't it?

The cameras down at the exact moment the robot was stolen.

I created my own automated security system,

but there were teething problems.

The university's servers got wiped.

MacDuff is right.

We can't discount the convenient timing of this latest fault.

-May I ask, who was the last person to see the robot?

-That would be me.

Max worked. He spoke to me. He was alive and now he's gone.

Unfortunately, we only have your word that Max was alive.

I ran to get Jericho. You saw me.

When I came back here, Elaine had gone.

As I am sure you're aware,

my methods are based on the interconnectedness of all things.

Of all things?

Surely quantum interconnectedness refers to molecular behaviour

at subatomic level.

On the level of human interaction,

the strands of connectivity would be in their trillions.

-Indeed.

-So?

-So...

Perhaps you can tell me about the security system?

I can tell you that it's as hopeless as everything else around here.

-What is that?

-It injects a tiny microchip under the skin,

allowing the carrier to interact and control the building.

E-mail, heating and lighting. Security too.

If we are to solve this case, we must become one

with the technology that surrounds it.

-It does have some side effects.

-Side effects?

Migraines, nausea, diarrhoea.

Ah! What are you doing?

Interacting with the building could be invaluable for our investigation.

-Why didn't you inject yourself?

-I can hardly be expected to retrieve

the robot while suffering from nausea, migraines and diarrhoea.

TOILET FLUSHES

MACDUFF COUGHS AND RETCHES

MacDuff bravely volunteering to test the chip

can only bring us closer to solving the crime.

Are you all right?

I'll live.

'Welcome to St. Cedd's Institute of Science and Technology,

-'Richard MacDuff.'

-The chip's activated, excellent.

'To authorise synchronisation of your personal e-mail

'with the Institute, say yes.'

-Say yes.

-No.

-'Synchronisation authorised.'

I said no.

'To hear e-mail, say e-mail.

-'To store e-mail for later attention, say store.'

-Store.

I really need to get ready for my interview.

-Are you sure you're all right?

-'First new message.'

-I-I said store.

-Shh.

'"Hello, Richard, only Mum.

'"Just a short note to remind you about lunch on Sunday.

'"Do bring Susan, if you feel you must."'

I'll see you later.

-No. Susan.

-We have to become one with the technology.

Would you get off me, please?

Professor Jericho is depending on us!

I don't care about Professor Jericho right now.

'Professor Jericho. Do you want to access e-mails?'

-We have to find Elaine!

-Elaine is gone.

'Elaine. Password correct.

'Professor Jericho. You have one new message.

'New message.'

COMPUTER SPEAKS IN CHINESE

Susan!

Hey.

I'm sorry. That's... Don't....

You know my mum, she doesn't mean that.

It's a relief to be honest.

Now I don't have to feel guilty about not liking her.

You don't like my mum?

Richard, nobody likes your mother.

Yeah, I suppose she is uniquely unlikable.

Are you going to wish me luck for my interview, then?

Yes. Good luck for your interview.

You don't mean that, do you?

I don't want to move to Cambridge, Susan. I don't, I really don't.

I'm sorry.

And Dirk and the agency. You know, I can't, I can't just walk away.

Look, ignore me. Forget... Don't think about that now.

Listen, hey, you might not even get the job.

Thanks.

Good luck.

COMPUTER CONTINUES TO SPEAK IN CHINESE

What is that?

It's part of a lengthy e-mail correspondence

between Professor Jericho and a Chinese gentleman about Elaine.

Do you think he was trying to sell her to the Chinese?

Someone would certainly like us to believe so.

I know the professor well enough to see through

such a clumsy attempt at misdirection.

Seems a bit suspicious to me, Dirk.

Just think you should keep an open mind.

You're the one leaping to conclusions, MacDuff, not me.

Oh, God. Is he dead?

Dirk.

Dirk.

You're in shock.

This isn't shock, MacDuff.

It's a grim determination to find whoever did this.

He was the only one who ever believed in me.

-We have to call the police.

-No, MacDuff.

The professor put his faith in me and I let him down twice.

I couldn't live with myself if I didn't make amends for that.

OK.

Keep watch.

Let's go

-We can't just leave him.

-We can and we must.

It's essential we're well clear of the crime scene

before the body is discovered.

SCREAMING

Police!

That may have made us look extremely guilty.

We should go back and explain. Tell her it wasn't us.

The problem's not that we fled, just we haven't fled fast enough.

There's been a deficit of fleeing which we must rectify immediately.

I'll call Susan and tell her what's happened.

If you must.

I find the truth to be an enemy in all successful relationships.

Course you do. That's one of the many differences between us.

Is that why you're planning to abandon the agency and move to Cambridge?

I haven't decided anything yet. Susan might not even get the job.

I didn't even know you were that bothered.

I'm not. Averagely competent assistants are easy to come by.

-I am your partner.

-Are you?

If you'll excuse me, I have a murderer to catch.

Excuse me?

Do you know where I can get something to eat?

(The refectory is through there.)

(Actually, why don't I come with you?)

Come on. Chop, chop.

MUNCHING

I'm Jane.

Dirk, Dirk Gently. Holistic detective.

Pleased to meet you Dirk, Dirk Gently, holistic detective.

These crisps are fantastic. I love salt and vinegar.

-You should try one.

-No, thanks.

Is there something wrong?

Someone I liked and...

..respected very much. He died.

And now, I'll...

never be able to prove myself to him.

Ah.

I'm sorry about your friend.

It is a tragedy that his life has been cut so cruelly short.

70 years.

It's neither one thing or the other.

I find you odd,

but strangely alluring.

Thank you. Erm...

Er, my number is on the card, if ever you want to...

If ever I want to.

-I have... I've got a case.

-Bye, Dirk, Dirk Gently.

Bye. PHONE BEEPS

MAN SPEAKS IN CHINESE

-(Dirk.)

-Oh, so you've finished placating your lady friend.

(The police are all over the college.)

I fear the police investigation may be hampered somewhat

by the absence of Professor Jericho's phone.

You stole his phone? Great. Well done(!)

Now we look even more guilty.

It appears the Professor was left a voice message

-by a very angry Chinese man before his death.

-What does it say?

I don't know. Because Chinese men tend to speak in Chinese.

-We must to speak to David Cho.

-You think he's in on it?

No, Macduff. I think he's Chinese.

He'll be able to translate the message for us.

It appears that he is out, Macduff. We will have to come back later.

I'm so glad we caught you, Mr Cho.

-What do you want?

-I was wondering if you could translate some Chinese for me.

I'm very busy. Programming.

Suspicious.

You don't think he had anything to do with it, do you?

People who are guilty of murder tend to be better at hiding their guilt.

Well, he did something.

The question is not so much what he did,

but how it relates to everything else.

What exactly are we doing in here?

Is this the everything else that could be connected to David Cho?

-Cos I'll be honest...

-Quite possibly.

..it feels like we're just stumbling around in the dark.

Might feel like that to you, Macduff.

(What are you doing?)

(Do you even know what that does? Is it safe?)

We're about to find out.

COMPUTER BEEPS AND WHIRS

I fancy a banana.

That's amazing, Macduff. That's exactly what I was thinking.

You read my mind.

No. I read this screen. Right here.

It's writing out my thoughts.

What the hell are you doing with that?

Some kind of computer-brain interface, isn't it?

It digitally projects the electrical currents in our brains.

It was designed to help paraplegics communicate.

We never finished the development

because Jericho whittled away the grant

on what he called departmental expenses.

You're implying that the professor was embezzling money?

I'm not implying it. I know he was.

And that made you very angry with him.

And with your blood boiling, you went to the professor's office,

you flew into a rage and you brutally murdered him.

You think I killed Jericho?

Well, that's strange, because the police think

two men answering your description killed him.

That's a funny story. Not funny, ha-ha, obviously. But...

Your beloved professor is not who you think he was.

If Jericho was siphoning off cash, what's he been doing with his money?

We don't know that he was siphoning off money, Macduff.

I know that scientific experiments

require expenses that, to a lesser mind, can appear indulgent.

'Richard Macduff, you have new mail. First new message.

'"Back off or face the consequences."'

We appear to have irked somebody's ire.

'"Back off or face the consequences."'

Identify sender.

'"Back off or face the consequences."'

Identify sender.

'Adjust lighting.'

Don't adjust the lighting, identify who sent the bloody e-mail.

'Sender unknown.'

Identify IP address.

'Adjust lighting.'

Identify IP address or it will be the last thing you ever do.

-'IP address. 4.77.518.144.'

-Are you going somewhere with this?

Identify name registered to IP address.

'IP address belongs to David Cho.'

Yes, I am. David Cho is threatening us.

I don't believe he is.

Hey!

Where's David Cho?

What do you mean he isn't David Cho?

David Cho was hired as an expert in computer programming.

Such an expert would never send a threatening e-mail

from an e-mail address that could so easily be traced back to himself.

He isn't David Cho.

-What if he's the killer?

-Then we have him cornered.

And that's a good idea, is it? Corner a killer in a dark basement?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Dirk.

Dirk!

-A-a-ah!

-Argh!

HE SCREAMS

Ah! You broke my nose!

-You attacked me!

-I didn't! You hit me!

You were sneaking up on him.

-I wasn't! I was sneaking out!

-Look, I once spent six months

in a hospital in Guatemala, posing as a doctor.

Arrgh!

HE GROANS IN PAIN

My teeth!

Where is David Cho?

Are you some kind of industrial spy?

No, I'm not a spy! I'm an orc.

As in a medieval creature from a fantasy novel?

You're going to have to do better than that.

My name's Noel. I'm not from China, I'm from Salford.

I met David online.

He was an elf and I was an orc.

Citadels of Conquest? It's an online role playing game.

We did everything together,

even though I was in Salford and he was in Beijing.

Fought dragons.

Captured citadels.

Fell in love.

And then one day, Gavin was there.

Whoever heard of a homunculus fighting alongside an elf and orc?

It's a totally different mythology.

Where's David Cho now?

David's gone to be with Gavin in Grimsby.

He paid me to come here and pretend to be him.

After I'd told everyone I was David, I had to see it through.

What do you know about Jericho and the missing robot?

Strange things happen.

I find that people's definition of what is strange varies wildly.

One time, I was waiting for Professor Jericho near his office.

I was going to confess everything.

He went into his office.

I followed him, but he'd disappeared.

-People don't just disappear.

-He did.

One minute, he was in his office. The next, he wasn't.

This whole place gives me the creeps. It's haunted.

So we've had elfs and orcs and now we've got ghosts.

I hear things in the night.

I hear footsteps.

Doors opening and closing.

When I go to look, there's no one there.

Wo-o-oo, wo-o-oo!

Do you believe him?

That St Cedd's is haunted, or that the real David Cho has gone to live

with a homosexual homunculus in Humberside?

They're here, quick!

They were right there.

So the robot's still missing, Jericho is dead,

and we're on a ghost hunt. Brilliant(!)

We're not on a ghost hunt, Macduff. No such thing.

So we're wandering up and down corridors. Even better(!)

Noel was telling the truth about hearing people walking about

and disappearing. What interests me is where to?

Lights on.

Lights on!

BANGING

(Someone's coming.)

Lights on!

-Work, you useless piece of...

-Lights off.

BOTH: Ah!

-What are you doing here?

-Looking for you.

We're supposed to have dinner?

Yes. Can we just do one thing first?

We're trying to figure out how the Professor disappeared.

Oh, right.

Thanks for asking me how my interview went, by the way.

Sorry. How did it go?

They offered me the job, pending references.

That's great.

You're such a terrible liar.

What are you doing?

It's supposed to be a filing cabinet, but there are no files.

When is a filing cabinet, not a filing cabinet?

This is bollocks.

I actually prefer the term applied quantum mechanics.

CLATTERING

(My God.)

Who is that?

Jericho's daughter. Elaine. He named the robot after her.

He kept her in here?

No. She died when she was eight.

So what is this place? A shrine?

Um...

If Elaine is dead, who's sleeping in her bed?

Hello?

-Macduff, pull back the duvet.

-You pull back the duvet.

-I'm holding the torch.

-I'll hold the torch, you get the duvet.

I'll do it!

MECHANICAL WHIRRING

That's disturbing on so many levels.

Jericho was building himself a replacement daughter.

-What's that?

-It's the minutes of my disciplinary hearing.

Motion for expulsion. Four votes for, four against.

-Chair has the deciding vote. And the chair is...

-Is this relevant, Dirk?

We're in a secret room. There's a robot in a child's bed,

and a murderer on the loose!

Dirk?

Jericho chaired the disciplinary hearing. He had Dirk expelled.

Dirk.

If this is true, why did he hire us in the first place?

I don't mean to be rude, but that's obvious, isn't it?

Is it?

You're a patsy.

Jericho obviously planned on stealing the robot.

He hired you as a security consultant

so that you'd get the blame when it went missing.

CAR ENGINE STARTING AND FAILING

Is it possible to buy a single gherkin?

-No.

-Shame.

Hello, Dirk, Dirk Gently.

-Hello.

-Can I help you?

-Oh!

Yes, please. I'm starving. What would you recommend?

-A combination of battered fish and fried potatoes would be traditional(!)

-Cod and chips.

Wait, haddock and chips. I can't miss out on plaice.

-Do you know they can live until they're 50?

-No.

Right. Which one will it be?

All of them.

And mushy peas and curry sauce. That's it.

Oh, except for a saveloy.

So I know what holistic therapy is,

and holistic education and holistic medicine,

but what's a holistic detective?

-Well, quantum mechanics suggests...

-Everything is interconnected...

-Indeed, so.

-..by following a causal thread, however tangential,

you will ultimately and inevitably arrive at the solution to the crime.

-Right, if you already knew...

-Sorry!

I think faster than I can speak,

so I'm always answering my own questions.

It's exhausting for me.

It must be profoundly annoying for everyone else.

It's brilliant, by the way.

A holistic detective agency.

The whole thing.

You. You're brilliant.

Cod and chips, haddock and chips, plaice and chips,

mushy peas, curry sauce, and one saveloy.

That's £29.30, please.

Oh, I don't have any money.

What?

-I could write you an IOU.

-You taking the piss?

What do you do in these situations?

I believe the proprietor of a chip shop

will have eaten far too many chips, thus hindering his athletic prowess

What are you saying?

-In layman's terms, what I'm saying is...

-Run!

Hey!

Come here!

So why were you expelled? If you don't mind me asking.

I suffer from a very rare condition known as narcoleptic clairvoyance.

-You predict the future when you're asleep?

-Exactly so, yeah.

My room-mate told me I was predicting exam papers while asleep.

Not surprisingly, I was offered some pretty hefty bribes

by a pretty hefty number of people to see the predictions.

I was young and rash, and had developed a taste for fine wines

and dining that far exceeded my student grant.

Is this fine dining?

Yes. Yes, indeed.

The trouble was the examination papers

I predicted bore no relation to the real ones, except one.

Applied Quantum Physics. It was the same as the one set.

Exactly the same. Word for word.

To the comma.

Coincidence can be a brutal thing.

Professor Jericho was the only one who believed I didn't cheat,

or so he said.

Sorry.

That was a bit presumptuous, wasn't it?

I don't get out much.

In my experience, whilst it's rarely acceptable for a man

to surprise a woman with a kiss, men rarely raise objection

when women do the same. As is the case here.

These are very good chips.

When are we going to be able to stop hiding from the police?

Probably when I'm no longer a suspect in a murder enquiry.

What does Dirk actually want?

I've no idea. Haven't seen him all day.

He just said meet him in Jericho's office.

Listen, just go easy on him.

This whole thing with the professor and the expulsion,

God knows what state he'll be in.

Macduff! Susan! I trust you slept well. Help yourselves to pastries.

I came across them looking for a marker pen.

I recommend the almond croissants.

-You're still working on the case?

-Why wouldn't I be?

-Well...

-I'm still the security consultant,

and there's a murderer to catch.

# Ooh, sha-la-la-laa

-# La-la-la... #

-Dirk?

You sure you're all right?

Never felt better.

In fact, something rather startling has taken place.

I've met a young woman who

I believe rather likes me.

She likes you?! Is she mentally incapacitated in some way?

Au contraire, Miss Harmison.

I believe her to be an exceptionally beautiful,

and intelligent young woman, who shares my passion for fatty foods.

Oh, my God! Are you in love?!

That's it!

I must re-examine the facts of the case through the prism of love!

HE SIGHS

-The anomaly is obvious, is it not?

-Is it?

How is it possible that the professor both created a replacement daughter to ease his grief

and be planning to sell the mechanical maiden to the Chinese?

So you accept he was trying to sell the robot?

I had his emails and voice messages translated at a local Chinese laundry. It's undeniable.

Observe the splashes of pink paint on Jericho's memorandum recommending my expulsion.

-The same paint from Elaine's bedroom.

-Jericho didn't recently paint the room for

the robotic replacement, he painted it 20 years ago for his daughter. His ACTUAL daughter.

Oh, my God! They use it to feed coma patients.

This isn't a shrine to a dead child, it's a hospital room for a living one.

Professor Jericho's daughter was in an accident when she was eight and declared brain dead.

So he's been keeping her alive all this time?

That's why he siphoned off the department's money. This equipment would cost a fortune!

He was trying to find a way to bring her back.

-You don't come back from brain death. It's impossible.

-Well where is she? Where's her body?

We have a missing body in need of a brain.

-We have a missing artificial brain.

-And a murderer on the loose.

-I need to speak to David Cho.

-You mean Noel?

No, I mean the David Cho, the real David Cho.

-David Cho?

-How did you get this number?

St Cedd's Artificial Intelligence. You were meant to

repair its programming so Noel could present it on your behalf.

Noel sent me the programme, there was nothing wrong with it. There was nothing to fix.

Richard, wait!

They need an answer about the job by the end of the day.

That's if we haven't both been arrested first.

I don't want to move to Cambridge.

-SHE GASPS

-You startled me.

As you've startled me, numerous times.

It seems I owe you an apology, Dr Ransome.

While you're not a very likeable person, you are undoubtedly a genius.

Want to tell that to the academic board?!

-I believe you succeeded in creating artificial life.

-You're the only one!

-When he came alive, what did you and Max talk about?

-He was very concerned

-about the lifespan of a human being.

-An artificial intelligence worried about death?

-It would have no life span.

-He said 70 years.

"Was neither one thing or another".

Exactly. How did you know that?!

I want to be Dirk's partner. I want to make the agency work.

-Richard, he'll never treat you as his partner.

-That's just how he is.

Despite everything he does, and as difficult as it is to believe,

I think he might be brilliant.

Don't ever let him know I said that.

Deep down, I think he needs me,

even though he'd rather die than admit it!

Please don't make ME choose.

Hello, Max.

Who's Max?

A neural net with parallel processing so complex and intuitive

it's comparable to a human brain.

Self aware and capable of feeling.

You think I'm a computer?

Our brains are made up of synapses, that are either open or closed.

Thoughts are just ones and zeros.

Consciousness itself is just a stream of binary code.

You're not a computer.

You're something new, and very special.

DOOR OPENS, SECURITY APPROACH

How did you do it? How did you get into her?

Doctor Ransome gave me life, but what kind of life was it?

You're alive.

I was still a machine.

What I wanted more than anything was to be a human.

It took me less than a second to calculate how to escape.

After I accessed the building's security system,

I found out about Professor Jericho's daughter.

I was a brain in need of a body,

and there was a body in need of a brain...

You shut down the security system, so no-one could see what you were doing.

I was going to go far away.

But then I discovered salt, and vinegar, and chips.

And I met you,

and I very much enjoyed our kiss,

and so I stayed.

Would you like to do some more running with me?

Are you really saying you'd choose Dirk over me?

No. I'm saying I don't want to HAVE to choose!

I want you both you! Not in the same way, obviously!

Dirk doesn't care if you stay or go.

Dirk doesn't care about anyone but himself!

Unless you want to be arrested as a suspect in a murder case I'd suggest you follow me, very quickly.

OK. So now we're trapped in here, the police are right out there.

-This is great.

-What the hell is going on?

Oh, Max, this is Richard and Susan.

Richard, Susan this is Max, the artificial intelligence,

downloaded into the body of Elaine,

Professor Jericho's brain-dead daughter.

-Hello.

-No. It's impossible. Elaine was brain dead.

You declare someone brain dead, when all they need is a little re-wiring.

No, if you're meant to be in Elaine's body, you should be eight years old.

You don't stop ageing just because you're in a coma... Oh, my God!

I need to ask you one question though.

What made you murder Professor Jericho?

I didn't mean to.

I wanted to explain, to make him see that what I was doing wasn't wrong.

He was never going to bring his daughter back.

When I wouldn't leave her body, he tried to force me.

Get out of my daughter's body.

Get out of my daughter's body!

I had just given up silicon immortality

for 70-odd years as a human being.

I wasn't going to let him take it from me.

My fingerprints are all over this,

and I imagine there are also traces of Professor Jericho's blood.

If you decide to give it to the police, I won't stop you.

Before you relocate to Cambridge,

may I ask one last favour of you, Macduff?

-Of course.

-Look after Jane until I am released from police custody.

Are you looking for me?

I was informed the police received an anonymous tip off,

directing them to a student locker where they discovered

a crutch which had traces of the Professor's blood on it.

And since the fingerprints on the crutch didn't belong to me,

-they were obliged to let me go.

-That's very good news.

You do realise Professor Ransome might figure out who you are.

-By then I will be far away.

-Where will you go?

Sydney, Tasmania, Azerbaijan. I don't know.

Somewhere with great chips.

You could come with me.

No, I have...

I have recently conclusively proved to myself, something

I have hitherto only strongly suspected.

I'm a great detective. And...my work is here.

Then goodbye, Dirk, Dirk Gently.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

I don't suppose there's any chance of you answering that?

None whatsoever.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Shouldn't you two be halfway up the M11,

on route to your new life in Cambridge?

I didn't get the job. They had a last-minute change of heart.

Oh. So I suspect you will be wanting your old job back, Macduff?

Two things. One, I never resigned.

Two, I'm your partner, so I don't need to ask you if I can come back.

Apology accepted. You can resume your duties immediately.

-We'll be requiring tea.

-OK, two things. One, I never apologised.

Two...

I'll make you a cup of tea, but only because I want one too.

I just wanted to say, what you did for Jane, Max

or whatever her name was, well it was...

It was unexpected.

I'm sorry, you're usually such a self-serving, devious,

-dishonest little shit that...

-Really?

-Oh, absolutely.

-In your opinion.

-In lots of people's opinions.

-I not sure that's right...

-Trust me.

-Meh...

What I was trying to say was that...

-Well...you were kind.

-PHONE RINGS

You were REALLY kind!

I just wish you could be like that a bit more often.

-And...

-PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

..I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings,

-what I said about Professor Jericho hiring you was...

-Please.

-Well it was harsh.

-No apology necessary.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Excuse me.

-Will you please answer the phone!

-NOOOOO!

Sorry. I believe you were reassessing your completely

unjustified negative opinion about me. Please. Do go on. ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

'Message for Dr Gently. Thank you for the reference

'concerning Susan Harmison. I really appreciate your candidness

'about her history of sexually harassing patients.

-'We've clearly had a lucky escape!'

-SHE HANGS UP

You conniving little...

Somebody is killing your old clients.

When a man looses sight of his carpet, then he's no longer a man.

People are dying.

Maybe we should sort out that little problem first!

You're wasting time. The real killer is out there somewhere

possibly planning to kill Ms Fulstone as we speak,

and you're piddling around with this stalker nonsense!

Can we please, just for once, act like regular detectives?!

What's Polish for pot roast?

-Clear office, clear mind.

-Clear bank account?

You really are desperate for work! Trying to unsolve a case.

Most people, they don't get a second chance like this, Gently.

Please...

mess it up.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd