Episode 3 Epic Win

They've come from all over the UK - ordinary people with extraordinary abilities,

powers so pointless they will rock the very foundations of society.

Heroes will rise, legends will be born.

This is Epic Win!

Please welcome your Epic host, it's Alexander Armstrong!

Hello! I'm Alexander Armstrong and this is Epic Win,

the show that scours the country to find great British heroes

with jaw-droppingly senseless superpowers.

For instance, can you predict the weather just by sniffing cows?

Can you iron your clothes while still wearing them? Or can you snore underwater?

Well, these are precisely the types of people that will be demonstrating

their talent on this show tonight to land themselves an Epic Win.

And it all happens here in The Epic Centre.

This is where our heroes come to have their powers tested.

If they pass their challenge, they'll earn themselves the title

of Epic winner and get the chance to win cold hard cash.

But if they don't, they'll leave the studio as a penniless Epic fail, through the dreaded Fail Door.

SQUEAKING, GROANS

We've also got a hand-picked, lovingly-groomed panel

who'll be deciding how much our challengers' skills are worth.

So, Joe, give it some welly, and tell us who's joining us on the show this week.

Gazing in wonder at public pointlessness tonight, our panel are...

He's the Irish comedian with a joke for every occasion,

especially when he walks into a pub with an Englishman and a Scotsman.

It's superior stand-up, Ed Byrne!

Ed bought a Kit-Kat yesterday, all chocolate, no wafer! Epic Win!

You've almost certainly seen her in Casualty on a Saturday night.

She really must stop drinking. It's Sunetra Sarker!

Sunetra just got texted a photo of a cat wearing sunglasses. Epic Win!

And he once worked in a restaurant as a dishwasher,

but they had to buy a new one when he started leaking.

It's comedian, Micky Flanagan.

Micky has been using the same biro for three years.

And it's still going strong. Epic Win!

Joe Lycett, everybody. Thank you very much.

Ed, this show's all about people with astonishing skills.

Who's the most astonishing person you've ever met?

-I met Bono once.

-No!

-I did.

See, that on its own is enough.

-There doesn't need to be a story.

-Did you converse with him?

It was a party I blagged my way into and he made a speech about world poverty or something.

I went up to him and went, "Bono, I really enjoyed your speech,"

and I could tell he was just about to say, "And I'm a big fan of your work, Mr Byrne,"

when a very large man stood in-between us and said, "Leave Bono alone."

Fantastic story. Sunetra, can you do anything that no-one else can do?

I can do one little party trick which is make my hand do this...

Try it! I know you want to try it.

I can do that one - make the pen look wobbly.

That's blinding, that.

-Micky, have you had an epic week? You're looking quite military.

-It's a new shirt.

It is.

£150. If you pull your finger out, you could have a shirt like this.

OK, the panel will be awarding cash to our Epic Winners.

How much money will depend on how impressed they are with our contenders' skills.

So let's crack on and meet our first challenger who's looking to land an Epic Win.

It's Saturday night and young people up and down the country are getting ready to party.

20-year-old student, Vikki, from Exeter is no exception.

I love Saturday night. It's the one thing I think about all week.

Vikki isn't alone. Every week, up to 30 million people around the UK engage in this guilty pleasure.

I choose my dress, do my hair, do my make-up, I choose my shoes, just have to get ready for the big night.

All dressed up and ready to go, Vikki's night of wild excess

begins with the arrival of her partner in crime, Margherita...

with extra cheese.

It's Strictly Come Dancing.

Vikki, do you want some popcorn?

Ssh, it's on.

Strictly speaking, she knows more than anyone else, it's Vikki Vile!

Welcome. So, what can I tell you all about Vikki?

Well, she has only ever missed Strictly on a Saturday night

once in over seven years and she admits to having "borrowed"

some of Brucie's cue cards when she went to see the show being recorded.

-What is it you love so much about Strictly?

-It just embodies everything.

There's so many things I love - the dancing, the dresses, the glamour of the whole thing. I love it all.

Well, you can certainly talk the talk, but can you trot the foxtrot?

Joe, please tell us what Vikki's doing for her Epic Win.

Tonight, Vikki Vile will be telling us everything we want to know about dancers who've lost their heads.

AUDIENCE: Whooh!

Very good, indeed. Thanks, Joe. So, let me explain.

There have been around 1,000 dance routines performed on Strictly.

We're going to show Vikki photos of just five of them, but with the dancers' heads obscured.

From these, Vikki has to tell us who the couple are,

what the dance style is, and the total number of points they scored.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-Sunetra, that's a lot to learn.

-You know every score of every single dance that's ever happened?

-Yeah.

-I was on Let's Dance for Comic Relief. Did you see that?

-Yes.

Did you really?

-No.

-No, you didn't.

That's fine.

Have they ever done the conga?

Do you know what the conga is?

Everyone knows what the conga is, don't they?

The conga was probably the most fun you could have in the world at a house party.

You'd go out the front door in a line.

# Da-da-da-da-da, da-da Da-da-da-da-da, da-da. #

You would go round the house, possibly go in the back door.

Sometimes you'd come right round the house and come back in the front door.

That's dancing.

OK, enough small talk.

Let's get down to business.

To take the Strictly Come Dancing challenge, please welcome to the Epic Centre...

Woah, woah...

-He's got a brilliant voice. What do you think?

-No.

I'll do it. Get off! This is my job!

Please welcome to the Epic Centre, Vikki Vile!

# Da da da da da da daah! #

Yeah, that was good. Yeah, that was fantastic.

-Are you comfy, Vikki?

-Yep.

-Good.

So we're going to show you five photos up on the big screen. Remember,

we're looking for the couple, the dance style and the total number of points scored.

You have to get every element right of three out of the five.

Please put our first photo up on the screen. Here it comes.

Who's that?

I know the couple is Natalie Cassidy and Vincent, and the dance is rock'n'roll.

Definitely. It's the score I'm not too sure about.

How do you know the couple? I can't even see a couple!

-Just the dress.

-Do you have an inkling of the score?

Yeah, I think...

It's the high 20s, somewhere in the high 20s.

OK, so the couple is...

-Natalie Cassidy and Vincent.

-Let's see if that's right.

Yes, it is! Hey!

And the dance is...?

-Rock'n'roll.

-Rock'n'roll.

Course it is.

And the score you think they got was?

-28..

-28.

Oh, 26! It was in the quite high 20s.

So you didn't get a point for that one. OK, four left.

You have to get three right, of those four.

Let us see the next photograph.

I know that one. I definitely know that one.

It's Denise Lewis and Ian.

It's the jive and they got 25.

-Let's see if that's right. You say it is Denise Lewis and Ian,

-Yes.

Is it?

It is!

-And the dance step is?

-Jive.

-Jive.

-It's right. And the score they got was...?

-25?.

-25.

OK, one point. Only have to score two more.

Let's see our next couple.

There they are.

Again, I know the couple and the dance and it's the score I'm not too sure on.

It's Kenny Logan and Ola.

The samba.

I'm going to go 18 points.

It's either 18 or 20.

-Not sure. I'm going to go 18.

-You'll go 18.

OK, so the couple were Kenny Logan and Ola.

Yes, it is. There they are.

-And the dance was?

-Samba.

-Samba.

Is right. And the score you think was?

-18.

-18.

It's right!

You have two left and you only have to get one of those right.

-Yeah.

-Let's see our fourth couple.

I think that is David Dickinson and Camilla.

It's the cha-cha-cha.

Oh, and the score...

Um, I'm going to go 16.

-16.

-It was really bad.

-OK, the couple is David Dickinson and Camilla.

-Yes.

Let's see if it's right. Yes, it is.

-And the dance was?

-The cha-cha-cha.

The cha-cha-cha. Absolutely right. And the score was?

-16?

-16.

Yes!

That, I have to say, is astonishing.

Let's go and talk to our panel.

Let's see if you knocked their socks off.

What do you think about that?

I'm in two minds about this one.

You did really well, but if they'd been more obscured on the photographs,

I would have been more impressed.

-I'll have a little think about this.

-I was very impressed.

-I think the universe needs people like you.

-Thank you.

Sunetra, is this a good use of somebody's brain-space?

Yeah, I think it is, actually. I think...

it does take a lot of memory to be able to hold that much information.

The points is what impressed me the most.

For attention to detail, that was quite impressive and it's great that you've got such a passion.

Well, Vikki, you are an Epic Winner,

and that means that you'll be going away with the coveted Epic Win trophy.

But as an Epic Winner, the panel have to put a value on your skill,

and you could leave with pounds in your pockets.

So join me in the Epic Centre where we'll find out what your win is worth. This way.

Panel, each of you has up to £1,000 to lay at Vikki's dancing feet.

What would you give a woman who knows Strictly better than is strictly necessary. Decide now.

Look at Micky assessing.

Sunetra knows exactly what she's going to give.

Ed made his decision very quickly.

The panel have now locked in their sums.

We've added up the amounts the panellists have awarded you. It could be anything from £3 to £3,000.

Joe is going to offer you increasing sums of money.

You can stop the cash whenever you like with our big red button. If you stop the money before

it goes over the amount the panel has awarded you, it will be an...

Epic Win!

And you'll go home with whatever amount of money you stopped on.

But if you wait too long and go even £1 over what the panel has awarded, how much will she go home with, Joe?

Zero pounds.

-Are you ready to play?

-Yes.

-Hands on the big red button. Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

£328.

AUDIENCE: More! More!

Yes, I think so.

I think we'll go more, Joe.

£811.

-More!

-They're all saying more.

I think one more.

-£1,511.

-She's stopping it there.

Vikki, you've gone for £1,511.

Are you going to go home feeling flush or foolish? Let us find out.

Epic Win!

Well, you did it. You got out while the going was still good and you're going home with £1,511.

But...there is a but here. Vikki, could you have held out for longer?

Or did you get every one of the panel's pounds? Let's see what that total was.

£1,699. You were £188 out.

That's not bad. Not bad at all.

Let's see how the panel's pennies shook down.

-So, Ed, explain yourself.

-Very simple.

I know my wife will be watching this show and I don't want her thinking,

"You gave all that money to that good-looking blonde girl."

I'm playing it safe. I also wanted to give you just enough money

to buy a top of the range, one of those new fangled machines

that allows you to record programmes and go out on a Saturday night.

£600 could be for dance lessons

and £23 is for 23 fairly strong cans of lager.

Have all your friends round, describe the conga to them...

..give them the lager and watch it take off, sister.

Congratulations Vikki, you are an Epic Winner and you're leaving here with £1,511 and the Epic Win trophy.

Many congratulations.

There you go, she knows her cha-cha-chas from her Charleston,

so go head over heels for our heroic Vikki Vile.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our wannabe Epic Winners come in all shapes and sizes

and these next two are definitely no exception.

Please welcome Ripper and Thor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Ripper, Thor. Great to have you on Epic Win. Fabulous.

-Have you come a long way to get here?

-LAUGHTER

Have you got any plans for later this evening after the show, maybe?

Let's try with their operators. Please welcome John Findlay,

Jason Marsden and Shane Swan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what do we know about you lot?

Well, you're two engineers and a builder.

You've been building robots for 10 years and these two are ranked

first and fourth in the UK Fighting Robot Championships.

-So, what do they do?

-Ripper, my robot, is powered by two motors.

-And the flipper is powered by CO2. Flip a car over.

-What?

It can flip a car over?

-And whose is Thor?

-That would be me.

-That axe is probably something to do with Thor's trick?

-Yeah, yeah.

-It's trashes everything it comes across.

-Well, these two have clearly got Epic written all over them

-so fill us in, please, Joe.

-To Epic Win tonight,

Thor and Ripper have to smash their way out of a caravan.

APPLAUSE

Let me give you the nuts and bolts of what your robots have to do.

Ripper and Thor will be placed inside a caravan. They have 90 seconds

to smash up three out of the four items we've chosen for them and break out of the caravan.

If they can, it's an Epic Win and these chaps will play for the money.

If not, then, as usual, it's out through the Fail Door.

So, can two remote-controlled robots with an appetite for destruction smash it out of the park? Let's see.

One caravan.

Three men.

Two robots.

90 seconds. The mission?

Destroy television.

Destroy cupboard.

Destroy cakes.

Destroy flowers.

Break out of caravan.

It's a smashing start. The flowers are destroyed.

Great! The cakes are ruined.

Turn it around. We'll go for the cupboard.

Try and empty the cupboard.

And now the TV is obliterated.

That's three out of four. Excellent.

It's time to get the robots out of there.

Wow, they've gone for the cupboard as well.

Right a bit. Left a bit. Down.

Move it!

Get it out of the way, come on! Move it.

Looks like someone might need to reboot this robot

and by that I mean give it a kick or something.

Try and unwedge it, it's wedged.

Get it out!

Come on, what's up with you?

-It's stuck.

-Definitely stuck.

-It's definitely stuck.

They've given up.

Oh, unlucky.

Dear, oh, dear...

Gents, I'm afraid that is an Epic Fail.

So, did you find that satisfying,

or have we just said goodbye to your holiday home?

When you're stuck behind one on a motorway, that's when you want one of them, isn't it?

Get underneath it and flip it out.

-Now you're seeing what were talking about.

-There's some use to it.

If you'd done that, I would be impressed.

If you'd have flipped the caravan over on the motorway,

-I'd have thought that was...

-LAUGHTER

I think that would be quite dangerous.

You're just trying to get more business for Casualty.

LAUGHTER

But I'm afraid that was an Epic Fail.

However, nobody leaves Epic Win empty-handed.

You each get a beautiful Epic Fail sticker.

And I'll give you one for each of the robots.

Perhaps you should put those on. There you go.

OK, now, Ripper and Thor were too wide

to leave through our normal Fail door

and I won't have them smashing their way out,

so we've made them their very own robot-sized exit.

But, gentlemen, no special treatment for you.

You're heading out through the traditional Fail door.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

APPLAUSE

They were out of control. They weren't even remotely successful.

Ripper, Thor, John, Jason and Shane, you are out of here!

'You're for the chop!'

Well, clearly, you can't win them all,

but fingers-crossed our next contender will have what it takes to dodge the door.

Let's find out who that's going to be.

I've always been at one with nature,

and I feel as though I've got this affinity with birds.

I first discovered that I loved birds

when I was five years of age.

I would go searching for the birds

with the most beautiful songs

and most beautiful sounds.

And to me, they're lovely.

I love to hear the birdsong,

as it reminds me of the happy days of summer.

BIRDSONG

HE IMITATES BIRDSONG

My name is Tony Durant.

I am the Birdman.

APPLAUSE

The last thing he wants is to "fowl" this up!

Please, welcome Tony Durant!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How about Tony?

He can impersonate over 750 birds,

he even has a certificate of authenticity from the RSPB

for his bird calls,

and they don't give those out every day.

Those are some serious credentials. So, Tony, how...

LAUGHTER

Let's find out what Tony's going to be doing for his Epic Win challenge.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight, Tony Durant is going to be trying to pass himself off

as an actual bird, ooh!

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

APPLAUSE

Are you not worried that one day you might be murdered by someone who does impressions of cats?

LAUGHTER

Time to take Tony on his Epic challenge. To show you how it all works, let's bring on the bush.

This way, sir. This way.

We've given a selection of our studio audience a voting console.

We'll hear five blasts of birdsong recorded earlier,

and it's up to our voters to guess whether the sound has been made by a real bird, or by Tony here.

If they're fooled three times out of five, it'll be an Epic Win for Tony

and he'll play our money game.

Otherwise, Tony will be winging his way out of here through the Fail door.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

So to let us hear what birds we've got in our bush, please welcome back Joe!

APPLAUSE

To make sure our audience are genuinely foxed by our bird sounds,

-we'll ask Joe to hide Tony behind this unbelievably convincing bush.

-Come on, Tony.

Tony, if you can join Joe behind the bush...

APPLAUSE

So can our audience sort out the "tweet" from the chaff?

Let's find out! Joe, what's our first bird, please?

-It's a blackbird.

-It's a blackbird.

-ALL: Oooh!

-Let's hear it.

RECORDING OF BLACKBIRD SONG PLAYS

So, audience, was that a real bird or was that Tony? Vote now.

..Jabbing their consoles with their fingers.

We've logged your answers. We'll find out if you were right at the end of the game.

-Joe, what's our second bird, please?

-The next one is herring gull. Oooh!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

OK, let's hear the herring gull.

RECORDING OF HERRING GULL SONG PLAYS

Ooh, there's the herring gull. Was that Tony,

or is that a real herring gull?

-You vote.

-LAUGHTER

Very exciting! OK, what is our third bird, Joe?

-Cuckoo!

-OK, a cuckoo. Let's hear the cuckoo.

RECORDING OF CUCKOO SONG PLAYS

That's either a cuckoo, or 8 o'clock in Switzerland.

Was that a real cuckoo or was that Tony?

Please, will you vote right now.

-OK, it's all locked in. Our fourth bird please, Joe.

-The song thrush.

-The song thrush.

-Ooh!

RECORDING OF SONG THRUSH SONG PLAYS

LAUGHTER

-Does this just look really wrong?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

OK. So, audience, was that a bird or was that Tony? Vote now.

-They're not giving anything away with their faces.

-LAUGHTER

And our fifth and final bird - what's it going to be?

The tawny owl, twit-twoo!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

RECORDING OF TAWNY OWL SONG PLAYS

Was that tawny or was it Tony?!

LAUGHTER

You decide!

OK. That is all five of our bird noises, and the votes are in.

Tony, you can come out.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now the votes are all in and Tony's out,

I can tell you that ALL those bird noises were made by Tony!

-Isn't that incredible? Well done.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's some pretty impressive vocal work right there.

But did enough of our voters think you were a real bird

three times out of five?

That's what you need for your Epic Win.

Let's look at our screen.

The first bird was a blackbird. Give us a blast of your blackbird.

HE IMITATES A BLACKBIRD

Let's see how the audience voted on the blackbird.

-Oh no!

-AUDIENCE: Oh!

It was very close, though, look - 54%, 46. Very close indeed.

Let's see what our next bird was. Herring gull.

Let's just hear your herring gull.

HE IMITATES HERRING GULL

Oh, it's beautiful. A beautiful gull. How did the audience vote?

Yes! Well done! That's your first one.

You just need two more.

You need three out of five for your Epic Win. Cuckoo.

Give us a blast of that.

HE IMITATES CUCKOO

Fabulous. Let's see how the audience voted on cuckoo.

Yes!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Another win!

You only need one more. That's two out of three. If you can get three out of five, you're through.

That's an Epic Win. Song thrush. Let's hear your song thrush.

HE IMITATES SONG THRUSH

Lovely. Let's see how that fared with the audience.

-Oooh!

-AUDIENCE: Oh!

Why didn't they like the song thrush?

-I don't know. It's a beautiful song.

-It is.

-OK. Tawny owl.

-HE IMITATES TAWNY OWL

LAUGHTER

-What's that bit at the end?

-That's the female - she always answers the male.

-Lovely.

If this is right, it's an Epic Win, if it's wrong, it's an Epic Fail.

Tawny owl - how did the audience vote?

ALL: Oh! 'Epic Fail!'

I'm afraid, Tony, that is an Epic Fail.

-I'm so sorry. I thought you did SO well.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

What an amazing skill. Beautiful to watch and to listen to,

but I'm afraid the audience just were too damn clever.

They rooted you out, I'm afraid. I was hoping they'd give you something to "crow" about.

-So did I!

-Let's go and chat to the panel. Let's see what they thought.

Micky - what did you make of Tony's tweetings?

This is London, son.

These are Londoners, they don't even know what a bird is, most of 'em.

They STILL tumbled you.

Maybe it's time to go back to Bath, where you can get away with this stuff.

AUDIENCE: Aaaw!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

You voted for him not to come through and now you're giving me a hard time.

I'm telling it to him straight - you did it crafty!

With your little pads.

-You fooled me.

-It was beautiful.

-It was. I thought... He was very good.

-You work in a pretend hospital, what do you know?

-Oh, stop it now!

I would buy an alarm clock with you doing all those bird sounds to wake me up, when the birds aren't up.

It's a great eccentricity and you should be proud of it, even if you didn't fool everybody.

Yeah, well said. I'm with Sunetra there.

-Ed...

-I was impressed. You've clearly been doing it a long time,

probably since you were an egg.

Um, my wife is actually scared of birds.

You could come round to my house and frighten her.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry to say, that despite what I think was a fantastic performance,

that was, unfortunately, an Epic Fail.

That means, I'm afraid, you don't get to play for the money. But...

-don't get in a FLAP, because...

-AUDIENCE: Aaw!

-OK. You are now the owner of our exclusive...

-AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

There you are.

I'm afraid you'll be leaving us through the Fail door.

DOOR CREAKS AUDIENCE: Aaaaw!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, his bird impressions...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING You've all been so good, so kind.

His bird impression didn't fly.

Time to take off, Tony Durant.

# Unforgettable... #

'Taxi for Tony!'

We've just time enough to squeeze in one more have-a-go hero.

Let's find out who's next into the Epic Centre.

My name's Darren Chan.

I'm 33 years old.

I live in Purley in Croydon.

My dad took me to karate when I was four years old

and it was then I fell in love with martial arts.

At 18, I became a professional full-contact karate fighter.

When I compete and fight, I train up to 24 hours a week in the gym.

I've represented Great Britain and travelled the world - made some good friends along the way.

Had some broken bones, broken ligaments,

but never a broken heart.

Nothing's going to stop me.

Basically, nothing, nobody, is going to defeat my martial arts style.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can he kick it? Yes, he can. It's Darren Chan!

-Welcome to Epic Win. Great to have you here.

-Thanks.

Here's the low-down on our martial artist.

Darren's an international K1 kickboxing champion

and an expert in full-contact karate. And, more importantly,

I'm going to be doing everything I can to avoid offending him.

-Do you have a way of letting people know you are actually hard as nails?

-No. Softy, big softy.

-Really?

-Just grind their hand into a fine powder...

-Just a stare.

-Just let people know, "I am..."

-It's the eyes. It's the stare.

Darren, you've already made every man within a 50-mile radius feel inferior.

But that's not your challenge, so it doesn't count.

Joe, tell us what Darren will be doing for his Epic Win.

Tonight, in this very studio,

Darren Chan has to ring a bell - with his bottom. Wa-ha!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

It's a TV first. Darren's challenge is to hit the button

on a specially-designed test-your-strength machine

60 times in 60 seconds using only his...posterior.

That sounds worse than it actually is. Let's meet the panel. Here we are.

-These people will be judging you.

-All right, Dal?

-What you looking at?!

LAUGHTER

Is there a nightclub tonight where people are getting in slightly easier?

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah, definitely. 100%.

-Have you done any door work?

-Unfortunately, yeah, a few years back.

-Unfortunately? For who?

Me and them! But, no, me, mainly.

I walked out of a nightclub once and the bouncer went, "He's had his rollers in."

LAUGHTER

Nice, innit it, eh?

LAUGHTER

-I hadn't.

-Very flowing.

Right, thanks for that, panel. I am on tenterhooks right now for this.

Let's take a look at how this is going to work.

Over here, we have our customised test-your-strength machine.

Darren's going to put himself into box splits above this contraption

and he'll use his bottom to hit this souped-up power button 60 times in 60 seconds

to inflate these balloons and make the bell ring. If he can do it,

he'll be an Epic winner and go on to play for the money.

-So, Darren...

-Let's have it!

-Have it!

-If you'll assume the position. I don't know how you'll do it.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

WOLF WHISTLES

That's the sound of every man in the UK breathing in through his teeth.

-OK, are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Just have the money!

-OK...

-Just have it.

Just stop and I'll give you the money myself right now.

Kids, obviously, don't try this at home. Trust me, it'll cost you a fortune in corduroy slacks.

OK, you're 60 seconds start in... three, two, one, now!

KLAXON

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

BALLOON BURSTS

BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE

'That's Epic Win!'

WHISTLING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I thought that was going to be a stretch. You proved me wrong! That was an Epic Win!

Fantastic. Let's go over and chat to the panel.

Micky, are you going to incorporate this in your daily routine?

I sit down quite a lot during the day.

LAUGHTER

It was just a very long sit-down, wasn't it? It's like you couldn't make your mind up.

Are you available for children's parties?

LAUGHTER

-Ed, did that ring your bell, pop your balloon?

-That was very impressive.

It wasn't just the balloon that was in danger of bursting there!

LAUGHTER

Darren, you are an Epic winner, so you've already won the unbeatable Epic Win trophy.

So very, very well done.

APPLAUSE

It's time to find out what you're worth in the Epic Centre.

APPLAUSE

Join me over here. OK.

All right, you lot, once again, you've got £1,000 each

and you have to see how much you think Darren's Epic Win deserves.

Decide now.

I've just noticed that Sunetra has the shortest hair of our panel.

This is true.

OK, there it is. It's all locked in.

So, Darren, as you know,

the panel's stash could be anything from £3 to £3,000.

-Are you ready?

-I am.

-OK, Joe, let's turn the powers into pounds.

Let's do it.

£173.

AUDIENCE: More!

-More, higher.

-All saying more.

919!

What do you think, Darren?

Yeah, go on, more.

£1378!

AUDIENCE: More!

-More, more they say.

-One more, one more.

-£2002!

-Pushes the button on £2002.

Is that going to go home with you or have you misjudged it? Let's find out.

LAUGHTER

Ooh!

Epic win!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! You stopped the money before you went past

and that means you are taking home £2002. Fantastic.

But what we want to know is did you hit the panel's total on the nose

or could you have rung a bit more out of them?

Let's see what they thought your win was worth.

-Ooh!

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

-623. Ouch, you could have held on.

-I could've done.

OK, let's find out who gave you what.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Cheers, guys.

-SUNETRA:

-All right!

I think there's a reason why the MEN gave so much...

LAUGHTER

So, Sunetra...

OK, no, it is very impressive. It's very good.

But I don't see the mums getting £1,000

for the endurance they have to go for giving birth, and it's just...

It's a bit of pain down below,

but you have chosen to do that and it's not...

Not as impressive as, say... watching Strictly Come Dancing?

LAUGHTER

-So, Micky?

-You're never going to be able to do anything with this, are you, really?

-Not really, no.

-Unless the fight factory goes a bit...awry

and you just decide to pump up tyres in your local garage!

Darren's Pump Station!

"Where's your pressure, mate? Ooh, ooh, ooh!"

LAUGHTER

But the sheer, full-blooded physicality of it

was what got you the money.

Darren, not only do you have more bounce than Micky's chequebook.

You've also won yourself an Epic Win trophy AND £2002.

-There you are. Very, very well done.

-Thanks very much.

-Many congratulations.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, he's a hero. No ifs, no buts, it's Darren Chan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, there we have it. That's all the public piffle we have time for this evening.

Thanks to our panel, Ed Byrne, Sunetra Sarker and Micky Flanagan.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks also to Joe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So a big thank you to all our have-a-go heroes

who must now return to their real, but no less epic lives.

Join us next time for more stunning but senseless exploits on...

Epic Win!

Good night!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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