Indians Family Tree

-What are you doing?

-Getting my DNA.

-Could we be related?

-..Turn right on a red!

-Be polite to the lady who you just rear-ended!

-I can't wait to see you.

-I'm looking forward to seeing you, man!

I've decided to come out with Pete and visit you in LA.

I have this product called Flush, it's like an enema.

It's like an anal milkshake.

Charles lived in Washington DC

and he fell in love with Rebecca who was in Virginia.

-To get through enemy lines, they eloped.

-That is so sweet.

Yeah, that's one explanation.

"To have said, 'She is of mixed blood and therefore outside the purview of our class,'

"stirs the most foul emotions within me.

"We must therefore leave this wretched place and marry in a new land..."

-He's talking about Britain.

-Right.

-"...which welcomes us.

"I will love you always..."

-Aw.

-Aw.

"..for you are my sweet M... Mojave girl."

-Mojave girl?

-Mojave, Mojave.

-Mojave?

-Is that...? That means...

No, no, no. That's Mo-HAVE..

The J is a "ha."

Mojave, that's...that's a desert up north. The Mojave Desert.

You know what? It's also a Native American tribe.

She's an Indian.

Look at that.

Wow.

She's so Indian.

On that horse and everything.

-Yeah.

-You know what's weird? That makes so much sense.

I've always felt Indian.

I can see that.

I've got senses.

You know, I can feel vibrations.

-Like under the earth?

-Yeah. I feel them all the time.

I live close to the Underground, so it might be that.

-But I feel even when... I feel stuff.

-Wow.

How Indian is that? What's more Indian than that?

That's really cool. She's beautiful. DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, you know what? I've got to go. I have a client coming.

Hey, why don't you stay? I could use the help.

And I can teach you how to do it.

I'm gonna give her a tiny flush, not a big one.

-She's legally blind. She won't even know you're here.

-Flippin' hell.

-That sounds...

-Great!

-..really fun.

-Yeah.

-Um...

-I'd love to show you.

But I'm so late to the thing that I have to do.

-Hey, buddy.

-Hi there.

-Mark Kelly.

-Tom Chadwick.

-Hey, Tom.

Nice to meet you.

-Oh, she's a beauty.

-So wide.

-I like it.

-And beautiful.

-It's...

-Uh-oh.

-A lot of damage there on the passenger seat.

-Here in this area?

This general area where there's a spring coming out.

Don't let this hold you back from this. That's all I'm saying.

I'm just worried that it would come ap... Whoa! What's that smell?

-Rose water.

-God, it gets stronger once you notice it, doesn't it?

When you're going 60 miles per hour down PCH with your beautiful blonde,

are you gonna be smelling the...? No.

Look at that one. Is that...? That's egg free, right?

Hoo hoo hoo. Now, that's a car.

-This is the one I was going to show you earlier.

-Oh, wow!

-And then you got stuck on the...

-So red.

TOM KNOCKS ON CAR

How about that?

-What is that? Is that iron?

-It's a metal, sure.

-Whoo, and fancy.

-Eldorado.

-What does that mean?

-The whole thing, golden.

-This is bigger than my flat.

-Flat.

You know, if I was to drive this...

-Oh!

-Whoo. People would be like, "That guy..."

-Women.

-What kind of price are we talking about here?

-How long were you planning on renting it?

-Couple of weeks.

-Couple of weeks?

-Couple of weeks. Good driver.

-OK.

-How's that?

-Oh!

-That's expensive. That seems... I don't want to buy it.

-Well, we're...

-Right, no. We're negotiating. That's fine.

-Will you be the only driver?

-Yeah. Yeah, it'll probably just be me.

-How's that?

-That's more expensive than the first number.

-OK.

That was just...

We're gonna make this work.

This is a very good price.

Uh... I can live with that.

-Yes?

-I shouldn't, but that's OK.

-Ay-yi-yi.

-Good deal! Oh, but look! Look at the red!

-I know!

-Look at the red.

So Bea and Pete get in tomorrow

and I think they are gonna be blown away

by my automobile of choice.

I spent a little bit more on it than I probably would have wanted to,

but I want them to have a good time.

You know? And an impressive car is part of that.

Also, Ally called and we're going for lunch today...

which is nice.

I imagine that it's not a date.

It's not like a...

I'd say she just wants to thank me

for standing up for her in the accident.

-Hey, there.

-Wow.

She's a beauty, huh?

Yeah.

-It's a she, right?

-You know what? I haven't looked under the hood.

But it's stubborn, so...

I'm kidding. You look nice.

Thank you. It's a new outfit.

-It's new?

-Yeah.

-It suits you.

-Thanks.

I mean, I haven't seen it on anyone else, but it does suit...

-Do you wanna have some lunch?

-Yeah.

I wanted to make you comfortable,

so I was thinking we could hit that place right over there.

-Oh, come on.

-Maybe you know somebody in there.

You know what's weird is I was conceived in a place just like that.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Let's do it.

I mean, I should have known

when I asked him how good the corned beef was.

When he said, "It's corned beef?"

That should have been my clue.

So how long have you been in LA?

-Three years.

-Oh.

Yeah. I moved from Connecticut.

-Right.

-With my boyfriend.

-Right.

And then... Well, I just moved out of our place.

-Oh.

-We're going our separate ways.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

I moved out thinking that I would be inspired out here.

I write. I'm a writer.

-Oh, wow.

-Well, I don't make my living as a writer.

I work at a bookstore.

That's the same, isn't it?

No, it's really not the same.

Well, you know, it's not like you're a writer and working in SeaWorld.

And you do what?

Well, actually, I'm tracing my family tree.

-Oh.

-Which is really fun.

I kind of got dragged into it,

and now I'm meeting all these interesting...

and fairly close to mentally unstable relatives.

But I'm really enjoying it.

And you know what? I hate to be a buzzkill,

but I've actually got a meeting, a genealogical meeting.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm keeping you.

No, no, no. That's OK. It's just time crept up on us.

Hey, listen, you can finish this.

Uh, yeah. Maybe it's better as leftovers.

-But I have your number now.

-Yeah. So call... Oh.

-Sorry. European.

-Didn't expect that.

Um, next time, I'll bring you to the Irish yogurt place.

OK, bye-bye.

As dates go, that was pretty good.

We chatted and laughed a bit.

I mean, it can't go anywhere.

I'm leaving in a couple of weeks, but it's...

it's good to get back on the horse, you know?

Not that she's a horse.

I mean...

If anything, she's like a little pony.

And I'm the stable boy

offering her some of my carrot.

I'd better go into this now. We're running pretty late.

-Here you go, Mr Chadwick.

-Oh, great.

-There.

-So this is the marriage certificate?

-Yes.

-Lovely stuff.

Ah, Charles Chadwick and Rebecca.

She doesn't have a last name.

Uh, let's see. This is 1865.

A lot of times, they would just omit the last name

if it was a difficult last name to spell.

-They would leave it out if they couldn't spell it?

-Yeah.

Native Americans, that was a tradition.

-They would just leave it out.

-Right.

-Sacagawea.

-That makes sense, actually.

Yeah, I'm getting a lot of Indian in what I'm finding out.

Oh, yeah?

They were married in Barstow.

Where is that?

That's about halfway to Las Vegas.

-Ooh.

-Right next to the Mojave Desert.

Right. "My sweet Mojave girl."

-Are you talking to me?

-No, sorry.

I read... There's a letter between them.

He calls her his sweet Mojave girl.

Oh, OK.

You know, there probably is a Mojave Indian reservation out there.

-Might be the connection...

-Yeah, it's all coming together.

-Yeah.

-This is so helpful.

-Thank you.

-And very exciting, huh?

Yeah, it's... I don't know where this is gonna lead.

-Oh, probably something really special.

-Yeah.

With some turquoise.

-What?

-Traditional stone...

-Oh!

-..of Native Americans.

You are a mine of information.

You are welcome, Mr Chadwick.

How do you feel after that Jacuzzi?

That was amazing. I've never seen a Jacuzzi in someone's house before.

You don't have one in your flat?

No. We've got baths, but they're not... That's impressive.

-Hey!

-Hello!

Whoa!

Here he comes. All right?

-Hi, guys. Hiya, Bea.

-Hey, Tom. We made it.

-I missed ya. Hiya, Monk.

-Me, too.

-Oi, oi, saveloy.

-All right?

-How are you?

-I'm good.

-Your cousins are sick, man. They've got a Jacuzzi.

-Yeah.

I've already been in it.

-Yeah, I can see your shorts are wet...

-Straightaway.

-..on the chair.

-I thought you were coming tomorrow.

-What's...?

-He got it wrong.

He thought with the time difference that we'd lose a day. Idiot.

Well, yeah, cos when you come from...

Yeah, when you come from England to America, you...

-Is it you miss a day?

-Other way. Other way.

-No, you take away a day. You take a day back.

-No.

Not a day. Eight hours is not...

It's time travel.

My favourite saying is, "What's crazier than a time zone?"

Nothing.

-No idea what it means.

-Yeah.

Hey, well, we've been having a great time, finding out a lot of stuff.

Today I found out... How exciting is this?

..we are Native American.

-No way.

-Yeah.

-Is that Indians?

-That is kind of Indians, yeah.

-For real? We are?

-Yeah.

That explains my hair.

That's the first thing that I thought of, too.

-Pocahontas.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

And so I'm gonna go up to the Mojave Desert. You should come.

And we could just see what we can snuff out.

I have a patient lives in Barstow.

Isn't that the Mojave Desert? Yes, right.

Doris. She's a Native American

and she can put you in touch with the Native American elders

and trace your family line there.

-That would be terrific.

-Yeah.

She's a patient of yours?

Oh, yeah. She's got very bad feet.

For years. I shouldn't talk about a patient.

-Go on.

-But she does.

Her feet have more problems... More problems.

Oh, my God. Hammertoes. It's from the moccasins.

And all the hopping they do. The dancing and all that.

A dance injury.

And they don't breathe and you can get... You get athlete's foot.

-Oh, you had that.

-That was herpes.

That was a very long flight.

'Yeah, I'm a little worried I've got deep vein thrombosis.'

Why would you have that?

'Well, I wasn't wearing surgical stockings.'

Well, yeah, but they don't make them in your size.

But it was just very difficult to be with Pete for that long.

'Such close quarters.'

With him hitting on the stewardesses.

'Yes, he's obnoxious.

'You must regret the night you spent with him.'

I don't know what you're talking about.

I didn't spend a night with Pete. What a thought.

'And she still likes him.'

'You do.'

Do I?

'Yeah.'

I didn't know that.

Whoa, look.

-Yes.

-Wow, look.

-A tepee.

-Souvenirs.

Whoa.

-Hey.

-Ya'at'eeh.

-Ya...

-Ya'at'eeh.

-Ya'at'eeh.

-That's "hello" in Navajo.

-Is that?

-Ya'at'eeh. Hello there.

-How do you do?

-Hi.

-Wow!

-This is all authentic.

-Tomahawk.

-Great choice.

Me Big Chief Crouching Tiger Hidden Bull.

Yeah? Sure, you are.

-Arigato.

-De nada.

Yeah, this is great.

-That is great.

-So this is an actual tomahawk?

-This was used in the Fourth Battle of Tucson.

-Sod off.

-Furry cup.

-Ah!

Ah, furry cup. Drink from the furry cup.

Cos that's what the lesbians...

What I like about it is that they've used all of the animal.

All of it, yeah. Most of it's in the handle.

Right, you're holding its foot

-and drinking from its leg.

-Yeah.

-Well, this looks amazing.

-Oh, look at that.

-Look at that.

-That looks terrific.

'Check it out.'

Hey there, pal. That looks terrific.

'It does? I don't look like a lady?'

I'll tell you something interesting about this piece here.

This was found outside of Hogan near Canyon de Chelly.

-Right.

-A very, very important part of Navajo culture

-and apparently owned by the grandmother of Pocahontas.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

'The genuine article...

'in your shop and not a museum.'

-Ooh, matching shoes.

-Ah, yes.

-What about those? Huh?

-Perfect choice.

-This is what my ancestors would have worn.

-That's right. That's right.

-This is actual yak hide.

-Yak hide?

You put those on, you're gonna want to go on a walkabout.

-Oh, great. I love to walk.

-Yeah.

Yee-haw!

Yeah, boy.

This is it? Hey.

-You made it.

-Yeah, sorry for keeping you.

-No worries. John Smith.

-Tom Chadwick.

-Dr Al's cousin?

-That's right, yeah.

Is he doing a good job on your granny's fallen arches?

Yeah, yeah. They're doing a lot better. Thanks for asking, though.

This is my friend Pete.

-Pete.

-Hiya. Hey.

I was expecting more feathers up the back or a grass skirt or a tomahawk.

-This is my sister Bea.

-Whoo-whoo!

-Hello. How are you?

-Hi, Bea. It's a pleasure.

-'What a fine man you are.'

All right, let...let's head up to the reservation.

The reservation. Ring, ring.

Is that my local Indian?

-Reservation for four, please.

-Let's go.

'Watson, what do you make of this?

'It looks rather like blood, Holmes.

'Yes, but the blood of what, Watson?

-'Do you remember our encounter with the Plaxians?'

-Hello? >

Ah-ha-ha.

-Hello there.

-Shh.

'This, I believe, is Plaxian blood.

'I thought you said they were bloodless, Holmes.

'Indeed. That is what I thought at the time.'

This one's brilliant. Watson gets killed by the Plaxians and dies.

But he's not really dead. He comes back for...

This is the last in the series. The season finale.

SWITCHES TV OFF

This is old. I thought they had seen this.

-Thanks a pantload.

-Sorry.

Tom, Bea, Pete,

this is Chief Running Bull and White Feather, our tribal shaman.

-How are you doing?

-Hello, Chief Running Bull.

-Hi. Tom.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Mr Feather.

-Hi, White Feather.

-Hello.

I gotta take off. I'm gonna leave you guys to it.

-Thanks, John.

-Have a good time.

-Thanks.

Well, what...what can we do for you, Tom?

So, you don't live in the, um...

Wigwams.

No, we don't. I have a condo in town.

He's got a house out in the valley there.

'And why not? You deserve it.'

You think there's any chance we can have a look around the reservation?

-I can do that for you, yeah.

-Terrific.

Try and find out something about my roots.

-Roots?

-I have Indian roots... uh, Native American roots.

Well, I could... I could show you around, yeah.

That would be terrific.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, my goodness gracious.

You know, Mr Bull, do you think it would be possible

for us to get Indian names?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Well, uh, we don't normally do that.

You have to earn a name or...

Just for fun. You know, while we're here in the place.

I don't see any harm in it, I guess, yeah.

You shall be known as...

..the Tall Man.

Huh.

And you shall be known as...

Boy With A Hat.

-I do have a lot of hats.

-Yeah.

And you shall be known as the Monkey Woman.

'Correct.'

Nice.

It's fairly literal, really, isn't it? The names.

-That's what it says on the tin.

-Yeah.

-It doesn't matter, you see.

We're all connected in one way or another...

every molecule, every piece of dirt,

every bush, every rock.

We're all one.

The universe wastes nothing.

Wow...

-PHONE RINGS

-Shit. Sorry. That's...

It's me.

What's that?

Nothing. Sorry. Go on.

The universe.

Could I go horse riding here?

I can arrange that.

Follow me.

Oh, I just never want it to end.

-I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

-It's fantastic.

'Are there snakes in these bushes?'

No, Monkey, there's no snakes here.

-There's not much of anything around here.

-Well, that's good.

Aw, she's having fun.

'All the way to Bethlehem, eh?'

Chief Feather, I've got a question.

You know, like back in the day

when there was all the problems with you...

the Indians and the cowboys...

is that cos like, when you initially immigrated over from India,

they thought you were, like, coming over here, taking all their horses

and touching up their women and taking their jobs?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

-Hey.

-That was so much fun!

-Did you have fun?

Yeah. 'We've done it all now.'

That was amazing.

'That was some white-knuckle shit.

'Touch and go.' It was great.

So do we all sit around

and have a little toke on the old peace pipe now?

No, we...we don't do that any more.

Oh, you just stick to the drinking?

We don't do that either.

Really?

So, you guys about ready? You all about set?

Oh, before I go, I just wanted to show you...

this photograph of my great-great-grandmother Rebecca.

I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on it.

-She's on a horse.

-Remember her?

Maybe Mr Feather might recognise her dress.

No, but she's a beautiful woman. Yeah.

She's a handsome lady, isn't she?

You might try the... The records office in Barstow might help you out.

I'll do that. Thank you.

Oh, there it is. There it is.

OK.

That's it.

All right, I shouldn't be too long. Don't touch the car.

All right, let's go and find out

-if this hot Indian bird's your real

-mom. That's not... Ugh.

-Ugh.

-Get us some fizzy pop.

-'Don't leave me alone with him.'

-Or some sweeties.

-'Some cashew nuts.'

Not cashew nuts.

'Not for you, dick splat.'

Come on, spunk.

Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Um...

Hi, my name is Tom Chadwick.

I'm looking for some information...

about this swarthy young lady.

Uh, her name is Rebecca Chadwick.

She's from Barstow and she's my great-great-grandmother.

-This is all you have, just this picture?

-And her name.

-She looks Native American.

-She is, actually.

She's an Indian. We all are.

I Tall Man.

Um, well, we don't really have pictures and records like this here.

In the record office, there's no... Right.

You should probably go and talk to Marty.

Marty Schmelff. Marty knows everything.

Sorry, you said Marty Schmelff?

Yeah, the Schmelff family. They've been in Barstow over 100 years...

Whoo.

..and I have always suspected that his family used to own my family.

But they don't any more?

No.

Good for you.

Schmelff, Marty Schmelff. Owns a store just down the way.

-Brilliant.

-Just about a mile on down.

Hey, thank you so much. That's reasonably helpful.

-Thank you. OK, bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

You're an unevolved idiot and I could crush your head like that.

'Like a testicle talking to me.

'Vagina face.' What did they say?

Uh...

Who do you keep texting?

Uh, nobody. No, they didn't know anything.

We need to go somewhere else.

All right. This must be us.

Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy.

'This search gets less and less promising.'

Welcome! Hello! Hi there.

I'm looking for Marty Schmelff.

That's me. I'm Marty Schmelff. Welcome.

How do you do? I'm Tom Chadwick. This is my sister Bea.

-Hi, Bea. How are you?

-Hello. How are you?

-Pete.

-Hi, I'm Pete. I'm his mate.

-Hi, Pete.

Welcome to Schmelff's Dry Goods. What can I do for you?

We were sent here by the Barstow records woman.

Sure. Louisa, mm-hmm.

And she told us that you're quite the authority on all things Barstow.

-Did she?

-Yeah.

-Isn't that lovely?

We're hoping that you might be able to shed some light on this.

This is my great-great-grandmother.

I don't know whether you recognise that...

This...

I mean...

Really? Your great-great-grandmother?

That's right.

You should come with me.

This is astounding.

You say this is your great-great-grandmother?

-Yeah.

-How about this?

-Oh!

-Oh, my God!

-That's Rebecca...

-Same woman.

-That's her.

..with her family - younger brother David Schmelff,

father Eli, Naomi... originally Naomi Flubb...

and then Schmuel Schmelff, my great-great-granddad,

who started the dry goods business here in Barstow. The Schmelffs.

-Schmelffs?

-Your family.

-That sounds very Jewishy.

-Well, it's completely Jewish.

-Oh, it is?

-Oh, yeah. Schmelffs.

I mean, that's Jewish.

Holy shit.

-You're a Jew.

-'I love Jesus.'

-A tremendous Jew, Jesus.

-Yeah.

-So we're related?

-We're related! Mishpucha!

-Oh, mishpucha to you.

-Yes.

-Yeah. I have a wonderful surprise.

There's a celebrity in the family, a movie star from the 1920s.

Your great-uncle Ezra Schmelff was a film star.

-Tumbleweed Tim.

-Oh, a better name.

-How about that?

I think there's a resemblance. Hold up your left hand. Show your friends.

-No.

-Hold the hand up and smile.

-Oh, more teeth.

-That's uncanny.

-Spooky.

I don't see the resemblance now that I'm holding it up.

Your great-uncle Ezra.

The Schmelff.

Howdy.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-Hello, Tommy?

-Aw, hey.

There's a sound for sore ears.

I'm sorry to call you so late. I just got in.

But I picked up your mail and I think you've got your DNA results.

-You want me to open it?

-Oh, that's great.

-Will you have a little look?

-I will.

Here we go.

Got it.

Did you just sniff it?

How did you know?

I could hear you sniffing it.

Smells of haddock.

OK, well, it's very long. You want me to read you the whole thing?

No, no, no. Hey, will you just have a look

and see if it says I have Native American blood?

Uh, here we go.

"Regional affiliation: French, English, Irish,

"German, North American,

"Scottish, Hungarian."

Nope. Nothing there about Native American.

Not even a little bit?

Not even a tiny little incy pincy wincy bit that I can see.

-Oh, OK.

-Absolutely.

Now you keep well, man. All right?

Yeah, you, too, buddy. Thank you. Talk soon.

All right. Bye now.

Ah, shit.

So I'm not an Indian, but it turns out that I do have Jewish blood,

which makes total sense.

Think about it... a bunch of people

who travelled thousands of miles

escaping persecution to secure their identity.

Hello. Remind you of anyone?

Me.

I mean, persecution's a big word.

But the rush hour commute and the London Underground?

Whew. Oy vey.

I do still feel a little bit Indian.

Mazel tov.

# When I found you, I found myself

# I was going to love you like nobody else

# But I never really had a clue

# How to love a girl like you

# Two true believers

# We devised

# A temporary paradise

# Now our future is in the past

# I should have known

# It wouldn't last

# I should have been a better man

# You could have been a better friend

# I'm alone, but that's OK

# I guess the dice

# Just rolled that way. #