Mum's the Word Gary: Tank Commander

-You been busy?

-Aye, fairly.

I was watching a documentary the other morning about that Hadron Collider.

Is that the wrestler?

It's a big metal pipe in Switzerland that's going to tell us how the Big Bang started.

Well, that's easy.

It started wi' a big bang.

True enough, son. Exactly like it says on the tin, eh?

Bet that cost them a fortune as well.

Aye. Probably thousands.

Aye. Shockin'.

Switzerland should just stick to what they're good at, eh?

Toblerone.

What is that?

Corned beef sushi.

What do you think?

Mmm.

Oh, look at you two, eh?

-Aye, we were the talk of the town back then.

-Like, in a bad way?

Nah, "the well-dressed couple." That's what they used to call us.

I'm glad you're back home for the anniversary, son.

Can you believe it? 15 years since your mother passed.

I know. I'm just glad I'm back this year.

Sorry about last year. They had me working late at the office.

-In Afghanistan.

-Aye.

I notice your work hasn't been on the telly much these days.

And that Bin Laden fella hasnae made one of his films for ages.

Aye. He's back to making his own wee Jihad mix tapes.

Aye, your mother loved them.

The reggae band.

-The reggae band, Jihad?

-Aye.

Do you mean Aswad?

Oh, Aswad, that's right.

Aswad. Aye, your mother loved them.

I remember me and her and Auntie Margaret

went to see them in concert.

# Shine, shine, shine like a star

# Shinin' so bright

# Like the star that you are

# Come on and shine. #

That was lovely.

It was like all of Aswad were in the room.

Oh, thanks very much.

Aw, Lynda.

-She was bonny then, eh?

-Aye.

You were punching well above your weight.

No, we never even argued.

15 years tomorrow. You still remember her?

I remember her sittin' right here.

She used to burn the toast every morning before school.

You said that in your speech at the crematorium.

Ooh, your Auntie Margaret didnae like that.

She didnae. I didnae mean it, like, you know, in bad taste.

Or bad toast.

-Oh, Dad...

-I knew you didnae mean it.

She wouldnae have minded.

-Naw.

-She'd a fair sense of humour about her.

Remember that time she put that big plastic spider in your bed for a joke?

I never slept for a week.

I know! That's brilliant.

Have you thought about what I said about your mum,

her new home and that?

Aye, but why now?

Do you no' think she's happy on the mantelpiece?

I suppose. It's just sometimes I look at her there in the urn,

and, well, I know it sounds silly,

but it's a long time to be cooped up in there.

Aye. She doesnae get much light.

Exactly. I mean I love having her here to talk to,

but sometimes I think she'd rather be somewhere else.

Somewhere she liked going to.

Like the swimming pool?

I was thinking about the park.

Remember that place we all used to go sledging?

We could do it tomorrow before everyone comes round for the do.

Aye. She did like that bit where we went sledging, eh?

You're no' talking about pushing her down the hill?

Oh, she'd have loved that.

Aye. Aunt Margaret wouldnae like that.

-We could gi' her a wee push an' all.

-Gary.

Sorry.

He's a funny one, eh, Osama.

He's an intriguing fellow cos he's quite eccentrics, eh?

Cos he's famous and he lives in a cave,

but when you're famous you can get away wi' stuff like that, eh?

Although some folk say he's dead, but I dinnae think he is.

Cos if he was, right, someone's gran would know.

Ken that way? They'd be like that, "I was speaking to Mary,

"he passed just last week.

"In his cave.

"It's a crying shame."

But I dinnae think he is.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-You're here.

I was worried that you weren't, but you are. Aren't you?

-Aye, I am. It's me, Gary.

-Good.

Do I look OK? Is it too bright?

I know it's too bright for a memorial, but you said no black,

so I was thinking like, this isnae black.

I was hoping your mum would have liked it. Would she?

She'd think it was perfect. For you.

-Thanks. Is that a nice thing?

-Aye.

Oh, good. I've trainers in my bag.

-Good.

-Just in case.

Just in case what? We get chased?

No, Gary. In case my feet hurt.

I'm dead pleased I remembered.

Good for you. Next stop, Auntie Margaret.

-STOP!

-What is it?

Oh, I did bring them.

-On you go.

-Thanks.

Gary.

Aunt Margaret!

How... are you?

Fine. I have been ready all morning.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, WWF. Wildlife, no' the wrestling.

No, it's me. Gary. I don't know, just look for them.

Try a bald person's shop.

Right, no, you've got to get them, right? No.

I'll try and get away, right? 5pm. Might be difficult. Right! OK.

See you later. Bye ba-ba-ba bye.

Manners used to be important in my day.

But then it would be rude no' to answer, eh?

Shall we?

THEY MOUTH CONVERSATION

Hello.

Julie, maybe you'd like to sit in the back?

Aunt Margaret likes to sit in the front.

Thank you, dear.

You're welcome, Mrs Auntie Margaret.

CLOCK CHIMES TUNE

Nice to see you, Margaret.

Nice to see you too, Martin.

Nice to see you as well, Julie.

Nice to see you too, Mr McLintoch.

Nice to see you, Gary.

Nice to see us...

To see us, nice!

GIBBERISH

That's a brazzy suit, Mr McLintoch.

-Did you buy it for today?

-No, Julie.

This is from back in the day. Gary's mother used to love me in this.

Real velveteen.

Wow.

That's like the stairs at the cinema, eh?

So, what's the itinerary, Martin?

Well, I thought we'd go up the park.

A spot that Lynda enjoyed. Then we'd say a few words about Lynda, if you want.

And then back here for a few drinks

and a bit of food wi' a few friendly faces.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Battersea Dogs Home.

No, Charlie. It's me, Gary. Try somebody else.

I don't have time to look at it.

Right, well, just Google it.

Google it. Just Google it.

Hold on. Nah, it's for me.

-Right.

-Gary! Put that phone down. We've got guests.

I've got to go. We've got guests.

Right, OK then. Right, Google it. See ya. Bye.

Sorry. Shall we?

Well, only if you've finished your important business.

-May I use the bathroom first?

-Aye, upstairs, on the left.

Hold on, Margaret.

It's runnin' a little low up there.

I'm not sure how much you're going to use, but just in case.

-That enough, Martin.

-I hope it is.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Aw, Dad.

# Just a small town girl

# Livin' in a lonely world

# She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

# A singer in a smoky room

# A smell of wine and cheap perfume

# For a smile they can share the night

# It goes on and on and on and on

# Strangers waiting

# Up and down the boulevard

# Their shadows searching in the night

# Don't stop believin'

# Hold on to that feelin'

# Streetlight people

# Oh, oh... #

Aw, no. That surely can't be right.

They can't have built on Lynda's park.

< Hamburgers!

I cannae believe this.

So it wasn't like this before, then?

< Hot dogs!

I cannae remember sledging past a crane.

This is not suitable at all.

Gary, could you not have checked beforehand?

What about that other bit that she liked? You know, up at the duck pond.

Good call, Gary. The duck pond, aye.

She loved feedin' they ducks.

What if they've built a skyscraper on the duck pond?

What if the ducks are there, cos they're confused that the water's gone?

There's just a big building, but they cannae swim in it?

Oh, naw. What would we do?

I tell you what you're going to do. Is take a few deep breaths.

OK? That's it. Right, give me a sec.

No' to worry, Julie. Ducks are resourceful wee fellas.

-They'd be fine.

-Aye. They'd probably just build a new pond.

Excuse me. You used to be able to get to the duck pond this way.

Is there, like, another way round?

Not a duckin' chance, mate!

Not a duckin' chance.

Whole bit's fenced off.

-CHEESEBURGERS!

-Any luck?

Sorry, Dad. It's all been built on.

Well, not to worry, son. You tried your best.

I'm sorry, Lynda.

I don't quite know what to suggest now.

I could buy you a burger to cheer you up?

Do you know, Julie, that'd be lovely.

What about you, Aunt Margaret? Do you fancy anything?

BURGERS! CHEESEBURGERS! HOT DOGS!

FRIED ONIONS! CHIPS AND CHEESE!

CHEESE! COLD DRINKS!

Did you catch all that?

Not bad, eh?

Would you like a bit?

-No, thanks. I don't eat tinned meat.

-No. It's a hot dog.

Here, I'll have a go. I've no' had a hot dog in years.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Lynda liked hot dogs.

Aye, she did, aye.

Great taste, my mum.

I remember the first time she ever tried one.

We were very young.

We'd gone to the shows as a family.

Lynda loved the shows.

"Scream if you wanna go faster!"

Sorry.

She'd been pestering Mum all day to get her a hot dog.

And eventually Mum gave in and got her one.

I can see it now.

That first bite, and all the red sauce

dripping down onto her pristine white dress.

Oh, no! Did she get upset?

Oh, no. Not at all.

She laughed and laughed and bit again,

so that more red sauce would fall onto her dress.

She was very silly.

I never knew that, Margaret.

Did she get the stain out?

I don't know, Gary. I hope so.

I hope so. I was eating something last week

and I had a white shirt on and it was brown sauce

and it dripped doon and it got on my shirt, and I was like,

"Dinnae rub it in," cos that's the temptation...

-That's enough, Gary.

-Right.

Maybe you'd like to be heading back now, Martin?

What about the place...

Oh, where was it we used to go for walks wi' my bike when I was wee?

What was it? The Ignorant Railway?

The Innocent Railway! Oh, perfect.

Aye, me and Lynda used to find that name funny because

that's where we had our first, er...

Your first what?

Walk, Julie.

That's all, a wee walk. That's all we had.

Just a wee quick walk and then we walked home.

Aw, that's dead romantic.

I think it's left here, son.

Oh, no. Right.

I'm sorry, everyone. I was sure it was round here.

Maybe someone wasn't paying attention to your directions.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

All right. Yous looking for the Old Kettle Inn?

-Naw.

-I always get asked for that. It's shut. Been shut five years.

Actually, we're looking for the Innocent Railway.

Have you heard of it?

Heard of it? Heard of it? Aye.

Come here.

Open that door, will you?

Well, easier if I just show you.

-This is very kind of you, um...

-Douggy.

And, er, who's this cute wee thing?

That's Doug.

-As in... Doug the Dug?

-Aye, good, eh? Doug the Dug.

I thought of that myself! Took me a week, but it was worth it though, eh?

Doug the Dug. Ain't you, pal, eh?

# Yo! Back up now and give a brother room

# The fuse is lit and I'm about to go boom

# Mercy, mercy, mercy me

# My life is a cage

But on stage I'm free

# Hyped up, psyched up ready for wil'in'

# Standing in a crowd of girls like a island

# I see the one I want, I said Come here, cutie

# I flip 'em around and then I work that booty

# Work the body work, work the body

# Slow down, girl you're 'bout to hurt somebody

# Hold up, ya'll let's get just one thing clear

# There's only one reason why I came here

# Ya really don't want me to t-t-t-tell you what's up

# Go! Ya really don't want me to t-t-t-tell you what's up. Go!

# Ya really don't want me to t-t-t-tell you what's up

# Go! I came here tonight to hear the crowd go

# Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room

# Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room

# Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room

# Tic-tic-tic-tic, boom!

# Well, yo, y'all ready for me yet? Pump it up, Prince... #

This is the bit I was thinking of.

Aye, fond memories.

It's lovely. I hope they don't build a supermarket on it.

I hope not, too.

Well, what do you think of this spot then, Lynda?

-I think Mum would like it.

-I think so. Margaret?

If it's what you feel, Martin.

Yeah.

It is.

So, I was thinking, if, er, you have a few words you want

to say, I'll say my words last, and then let Lynda...

You know.

Does anyone want to go first?

Sorry. I can sense the wee man's burstin' on a shite here.

We'll scoot. But happy scattering.

Right you are, Douggy.

Come on. Come on.

Julie. Would you like to start?

Um... OK.

Hiya, Mrs McLintoch.

Nice urn, by the way.

Eh, well, I just wanted to say that I'll always remember you fondly

cos, see when I was seven, I remember I was in the queue

for the ice cream van,

but I was too wee to see what ice creams they had, so I got really upset.

But then you and some other men lifted me up so I could see.

So thanks for that. I had an orange Calippo.

That was my favourite. But it's not now.

I like Feasts. Bye!

That was lovely, Julie. Well done.

Margaret?

Um...

Rest in peace, Lynda.

Gary?

Hiya, Mum!

Um, I'm really glad we found this bit.

I don't know if you were listening earlier,

but they're building a supermarket where the duck pond used to be.

Shockin', eh? But, er,

I hope you enjoy it here.

Dad was saying this is the first place you...

..walked.

So...

miss you.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Gary! Turn that bloody phone off!

-I know, but it's really important.

-And this isn't?

Hello, wrong number. Gary speakin'.

Right, brilliant. OK, I'll see you there.

No, it'll be fine. OK. See you. Bye, bye. I'm sorry.

Well, Lynda, there's no' a day I don't think o' you.

No' a moment you're no' with me.

You were so much fun, a great sense o' humour.

Remember when you chose this suit for me?

Well, Lynda, time for you to get some air.

Dad. Dad, I'll...

Do you want me to have a shot? I opened a jar of gherkins last week. Nae offence.

None taken. On you go.

-Oh, for Pete's sake. What an idiot.

-Martin! She's just a bit slow.

Superglue, Margaret, superglue.

-I superglued the lid shut years ago.

-Is that why it won't open?

I think so Julie, yeah. Why did you do that?

Well, you'll no' remember, son,

but a few years after your mother passed,

you went through a wee clumsy phase.

-No, I never!

-I remember that time.

You could hardly put one foot in front of the other without falling.

Well, I remember I was a particularly graceful teenager.

Idiots.

Well, I think we should head back now.

-What do you think, Lynda?

-"Yes, please!"

Julie, I think that's enough.

-Yes.

-It is, isn't it? Can we go now?

All right? Are yous done? We are.

Any chance o' a lift back?

Aye. Of course, Douggy.

Do we need nuclear weapons?

Aye, course we do.

Cos other folk have got them, right.

If we didnae have them, we'll be like that kid at school that had the crap trainers.

And, I'm sorry, but it's a harsh factoid of life,

but that kid at school wi' crap trainers had a really tough time.

And it's no' his fault that he had crap trainers.

That was his mum and dad's fault.

But we dinnae want to be that kid.

We dinnae want to be turning up to PE in crap trainers

wi' folk laughing, saying, "Where did you get them?

"Poundies? Your Mum rakes bins." We dinnae want to hear that.

30 billion is a lot to pay for nice Trident trainers, right,

but if it means we dinnae get a slaggin',

then I think it's worth it.

Do you remember Reebok Pumps?

Pumps.

Corned beef sushi? Corned beef sushi? It's really nice.

It's really, em, corned beefy.

Ah, cheers.

-There you go, Duggy Duggy Duggy.

-Corned beef sushi, Aunt Margaret?

No, thanks, Gary. I can see that you and Martin are busy,

and it's been quite a long day, so I might head off.

No, no, you cannae. You've got to stay here.

That's kind of you Gary, but, er...

No, no. Please, please. Just one sec. MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Farmfoods?

Right, OK, fine do it. On, yous go.

Margaret, you're surely not away?

I've got a whole suckling pig roasting at the back.

Yes. There's only so much rudeness I can take from Gary for one day.

Julie, you'd like Aunt Margaret to stay, wouldn't you?

Gary!

That is enough. You've offended Margaret.

And I know that's easy to do, but now you've offended me, son.

Yeah. I know.

Right. OK, then, right.

Brilliant, go, go, do it. Right.

OK, if I could just...

If I could just maybe offend you all for just, like,

a few more seconds, OK?

Can I get everyone's attention, please? Everyone's attention.

OK, I would like to announce that,

tonight playing here is one of my mum's favouritest ever bands.

They've come a long way to get here tonight,

so please would you welcome to the living room... Aswad!

# Ooh ah, ooh ah

# Ooh ah, ooh ah

# Come on and shine shine like a star

# Shining so bright like the star that you are... #

Hold on, something's missing.

# Shine into the future

# Spreading your light wherever you are. #

Great stuff, lads.

Honestly, it was like having Aswad here in the room, it really was.

Well done, Gary. I get it now.

For a while back there, I thought you'd turned into an arse.

But you haven't.

Thanks, Dad.

Right, come on lads. Let's try these haggis fishcakes.

Well, quite a day.

Aye. We often like to end the day on a song here.

I'm sorry I was short with you today.

No, no. It's fine. I'm sorry it just took a few calls, you know?

Yes, I know. But she'd be very proud of you, you know, your mum.

Do you think?

Yes. Apart from maybe your singing.

Oh, right.

That's a joke, Gary!

Aw, nuh!

No, I knew it. Check you, Aunt Margaret crackin' a wee joke.

I knew you had it in you.

I knew you had it in you, I thought you cannae be grumpy for ever,

you and your face and that, but you've done it.

You've totally cracked a joke.

Well done, you. You know that!

That's enough, Gary. I'll see you soon.

Aye. You totally will.

It was a good joke an' all because I was, like, pitch perfect, eh?

Who'd have thought, eh?

Aunt Margaret crackin' a joke.

That's funny, eh? Funny Aunt Margaret.

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