Mum's the Word Gary: Tank Commander


Mum's the Word

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LineFromTo

-You been busy?

-Aye, fairly.

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I was watching a documentary the other morning about that Hadron Collider.

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Is that the wrestler?

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It's a big metal pipe in Switzerland that's going to tell us how the Big Bang started.

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Well, that's easy.

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It started wi' a big bang.

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True enough, son. Exactly like it says on the tin, eh?

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Bet that cost them a fortune as well.

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Aye. Probably thousands.

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Aye. Shockin'.

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Switzerland should just stick to what they're good at, eh?

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Toblerone.

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What is that?

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Corned beef sushi.

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What do you think?

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Mmm.

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Oh, look at you two, eh?

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-Aye, we were the talk of the town back then.

-Like, in a bad way?

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Nah, "the well-dressed couple." That's what they used to call us.

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I'm glad you're back home for the anniversary, son.

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Can you believe it? 15 years since your mother passed.

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I know. I'm just glad I'm back this year.

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Sorry about last year. They had me working late at the office.

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-In Afghanistan.

-Aye.

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I notice your work hasn't been on the telly much these days.

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And that Bin Laden fella hasnae made one of his films for ages.

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Aye. He's back to making his own wee Jihad mix tapes.

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Aye, your mother loved them.

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The reggae band.

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-The reggae band, Jihad?

-Aye.

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Do you mean Aswad?

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Oh, Aswad, that's right.

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Aswad. Aye, your mother loved them.

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I remember me and her and Auntie Margaret

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went to see them in concert.

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# Shine, shine, shine like a star

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# Shinin' so bright

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# Like the star that you are

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# Come on and shine. #

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That was lovely.

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It was like all of Aswad were in the room.

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Oh, thanks very much.

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Aw, Lynda.

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-She was bonny then, eh?

-Aye.

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You were punching well above your weight.

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No, we never even argued.

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15 years tomorrow. You still remember her?

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I remember her sittin' right here.

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She used to burn the toast every morning before school.

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You said that in your speech at the crematorium.

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Ooh, your Auntie Margaret didnae like that.

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She didnae. I didnae mean it, like, you know, in bad taste.

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Or bad toast.

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-Oh, Dad...

-I knew you didnae mean it.

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She wouldnae have minded.

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-Naw.

-She'd a fair sense of humour about her.

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Remember that time she put that big plastic spider in your bed for a joke?

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I never slept for a week.

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I know! That's brilliant.

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Have you thought about what I said about your mum,

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her new home and that?

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Aye, but why now?

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Do you no' think she's happy on the mantelpiece?

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I suppose. It's just sometimes I look at her there in the urn,

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and, well, I know it sounds silly,

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but it's a long time to be cooped up in there.

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Aye. She doesnae get much light.

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Exactly. I mean I love having her here to talk to,

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but sometimes I think she'd rather be somewhere else.

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Somewhere she liked going to.

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Like the swimming pool?

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I was thinking about the park.

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Remember that place we all used to go sledging?

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We could do it tomorrow before everyone comes round for the do.

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Aye. She did like that bit where we went sledging, eh?

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You're no' talking about pushing her down the hill?

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Oh, she'd have loved that.

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Aye. Aunt Margaret wouldnae like that.

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-We could gi' her a wee push an' all.

-Gary.

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Sorry.

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He's a funny one, eh, Osama.

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He's an intriguing fellow cos he's quite eccentrics, eh?

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Cos he's famous and he lives in a cave,

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but when you're famous you can get away wi' stuff like that, eh?

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Although some folk say he's dead, but I dinnae think he is.

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Cos if he was, right, someone's gran would know.

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Ken that way? They'd be like that, "I was speaking to Mary,

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"he passed just last week.

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"In his cave.

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"It's a crying shame."

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But I dinnae think he is.

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-Hello.

-Hiya.

-You're here.

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I was worried that you weren't, but you are. Aren't you?

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-Aye, I am. It's me, Gary.

-Good.

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Do I look OK? Is it too bright?

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I know it's too bright for a memorial, but you said no black,

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so I was thinking like, this isnae black.

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I was hoping your mum would have liked it. Would she?

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She'd think it was perfect. For you.

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-Thanks. Is that a nice thing?

-Aye.

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Oh, good. I've trainers in my bag.

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-Good.

-Just in case.

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Just in case what? We get chased?

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No, Gary. In case my feet hurt.

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I'm dead pleased I remembered.

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Good for you. Next stop, Auntie Margaret.

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-STOP!

-What is it?

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Oh, I did bring them.

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-On you go.

-Thanks.

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Gary.

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Aunt Margaret!

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How... are you?

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Fine. I have been ready all morning.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Hello, WWF. Wildlife, no' the wrestling.

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No, it's me. Gary. I don't know, just look for them.

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Try a bald person's shop.

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Right, no, you've got to get them, right? No.

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I'll try and get away, right? 5pm. Might be difficult. Right! OK.

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See you later. Bye ba-ba-ba bye.

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Manners used to be important in my day.

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But then it would be rude no' to answer, eh?

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Shall we?

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THEY MOUTH CONVERSATION

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Hello.

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Julie, maybe you'd like to sit in the back?

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Aunt Margaret likes to sit in the front.

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Thank you, dear.

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You're welcome, Mrs Auntie Margaret.

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CLOCK CHIMES TUNE

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Nice to see you, Margaret.

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Nice to see you too, Martin.

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Nice to see you as well, Julie.

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Nice to see you too, Mr McLintoch.

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Nice to see you, Gary.

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Nice to see us...

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To see us, nice!

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GIBBERISH

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That's a brazzy suit, Mr McLintoch.

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-Did you buy it for today?

-No, Julie.

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This is from back in the day. Gary's mother used to love me in this.

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Real velveteen.

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Wow.

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That's like the stairs at the cinema, eh?

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So, what's the itinerary, Martin?

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Well, I thought we'd go up the park.

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A spot that Lynda enjoyed. Then we'd say a few words about Lynda, if you want.

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And then back here for a few drinks

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and a bit of food wi' a few friendly faces.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Hello, Battersea Dogs Home.

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No, Charlie. It's me, Gary. Try somebody else.

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I don't have time to look at it.

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Right, well, just Google it.

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Google it. Just Google it.

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Hold on. Nah, it's for me.

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-Right.

-Gary! Put that phone down. We've got guests.

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I've got to go. We've got guests.

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Right, OK then. Right, Google it. See ya. Bye.

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Sorry. Shall we?

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Well, only if you've finished your important business.

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-May I use the bathroom first?

-Aye, upstairs, on the left.

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Hold on, Margaret.

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It's runnin' a little low up there.

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I'm not sure how much you're going to use, but just in case.

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-That enough, Martin.

-I hope it is.

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THEY ALL LAUGH

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Aw, Dad.

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# Just a small town girl

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# Livin' in a lonely world

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# She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

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# A singer in a smoky room

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# A smell of wine and cheap perfume

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# For a smile they can share the night

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# It goes on and on and on and on

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# Strangers waiting

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# Up and down the boulevard

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# Their shadows searching in the night

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# Don't stop believin'

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# Hold on to that feelin'

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# Streetlight people

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# Oh, oh... #

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Aw, no. That surely can't be right.

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They can't have built on Lynda's park.

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< Hamburgers!

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I cannae believe this.

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So it wasn't like this before, then?

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< Hot dogs!

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I cannae remember sledging past a crane.

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This is not suitable at all.

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Gary, could you not have checked beforehand?

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What about that other bit that she liked? You know, up at the duck pond.

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Good call, Gary. The duck pond, aye.

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She loved feedin' they ducks.

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What if they've built a skyscraper on the duck pond?

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What if the ducks are there, cos they're confused that the water's gone?

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There's just a big building, but they cannae swim in it?

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Oh, naw. What would we do?

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I tell you what you're going to do. Is take a few deep breaths.

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OK? That's it. Right, give me a sec.

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No' to worry, Julie. Ducks are resourceful wee fellas.

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-They'd be fine.

-Aye. They'd probably just build a new pond.

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Excuse me. You used to be able to get to the duck pond this way.

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Is there, like, another way round?

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Not a duckin' chance, mate!

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Not a duckin' chance.

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Whole bit's fenced off.

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-CHEESEBURGERS!

-Any luck?

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Sorry, Dad. It's all been built on.

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Well, not to worry, son. You tried your best.

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I'm sorry, Lynda.

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I don't quite know what to suggest now.

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I could buy you a burger to cheer you up?

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Do you know, Julie, that'd be lovely.

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What about you, Aunt Margaret? Do you fancy anything?

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BURGERS! CHEESEBURGERS! HOT DOGS!

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FRIED ONIONS! CHIPS AND CHEESE!

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CHEESE! COLD DRINKS!

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Did you catch all that?

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Not bad, eh?

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Would you like a bit?

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-No, thanks. I don't eat tinned meat.

-No. It's a hot dog.

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Here, I'll have a go. I've no' had a hot dog in years.

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MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

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Lynda liked hot dogs.

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Aye, she did, aye.

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Great taste, my mum.

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I remember the first time she ever tried one.

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We were very young.

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We'd gone to the shows as a family.

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Lynda loved the shows.

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"Scream if you wanna go faster!"

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Sorry.

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She'd been pestering Mum all day to get her a hot dog.

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And eventually Mum gave in and got her one.

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I can see it now.

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That first bite, and all the red sauce

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dripping down onto her pristine white dress.

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Oh, no! Did she get upset?

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Oh, no. Not at all.

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She laughed and laughed and bit again,

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so that more red sauce would fall onto her dress.

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She was very silly.

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I never knew that, Margaret.

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Did she get the stain out?

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I don't know, Gary. I hope so.

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I hope so. I was eating something last week

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and I had a white shirt on and it was brown sauce

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and it dripped doon and it got on my shirt, and I was like,

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"Dinnae rub it in," cos that's the temptation...

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-That's enough, Gary.

-Right.

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Maybe you'd like to be heading back now, Martin?

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What about the place...

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Oh, where was it we used to go for walks wi' my bike when I was wee?

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What was it? The Ignorant Railway?

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The Innocent Railway! Oh, perfect.

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Aye, me and Lynda used to find that name funny because

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that's where we had our first, er...

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Your first what?

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Walk, Julie.

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That's all, a wee walk. That's all we had.

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Just a wee quick walk and then we walked home.

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Aw, that's dead romantic.

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I think it's left here, son.

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Oh, no. Right.

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I'm sorry, everyone. I was sure it was round here.

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Maybe someone wasn't paying attention to your directions.

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Excuse me. Excuse me.

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All right. Yous looking for the Old Kettle Inn?

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-Naw.

-I always get asked for that. It's shut. Been shut five years.

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Actually, we're looking for the Innocent Railway.

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Have you heard of it?

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Heard of it? Heard of it? Aye.

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Come here.

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Open that door, will you?

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Well, easier if I just show you.

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-This is very kind of you, um...

-Douggy.

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And, er, who's this cute wee thing?

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That's Doug.

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-As in... Doug the Dug?

-Aye, good, eh? Doug the Dug.

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I thought of that myself! Took me a week, but it was worth it though, eh?

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Doug the Dug. Ain't you, pal, eh?

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# Yo! Back up now and give a brother room

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# The fuse is lit and I'm about to go boom

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# Mercy, mercy, mercy me

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# My life is a cage

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But on stage I'm free

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# Hyped up, psyched up ready for wil'in'

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# Standing in a crowd of girls like a island

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# I see the one I want, I said Come here, cutie

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# I flip 'em around and then I work that booty

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# Work the body work, work the body

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# Slow down, girl you're 'bout to hurt somebody

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# Hold up, ya'll let's get just one thing clear

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# There's only one reason why I came here

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# Ya really don't want me to t-t-t-tell you what's up

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# Go! Ya really don't want me to t-t-t-tell you what's up. Go!

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# Ya really don't want me to t-t-t-tell you what's up

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# Go! I came here tonight to hear the crowd go

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# Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room

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# Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room

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# Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room

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# Tic-tic-tic-tic, boom!

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# Well, yo, y'all ready for me yet? Pump it up, Prince... #

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This is the bit I was thinking of.

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Aye, fond memories.

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It's lovely. I hope they don't build a supermarket on it.

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I hope not, too.

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Well, what do you think of this spot then, Lynda?

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-I think Mum would like it.

-I think so. Margaret?

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If it's what you feel, Martin.

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Yeah.

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It is.

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So, I was thinking, if, er, you have a few words you want

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to say, I'll say my words last, and then let Lynda...

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You know.

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Does anyone want to go first?

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Sorry. I can sense the wee man's burstin' on a shite here.

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We'll scoot. But happy scattering.

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Right you are, Douggy.

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Come on. Come on.

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Julie. Would you like to start?

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Um... OK.

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Hiya, Mrs McLintoch.

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Nice urn, by the way.

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Eh, well, I just wanted to say that I'll always remember you fondly

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cos, see when I was seven, I remember I was in the queue

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for the ice cream van,

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but I was too wee to see what ice creams they had, so I got really upset.

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But then you and some other men lifted me up so I could see.

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So thanks for that. I had an orange Calippo.

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That was my favourite. But it's not now.

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I like Feasts. Bye!

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That was lovely, Julie. Well done.

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Margaret?

0:20:370:20:39

Um...

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Rest in peace, Lynda.

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Gary?

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Hiya, Mum!

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Um, I'm really glad we found this bit.

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I don't know if you were listening earlier,

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but they're building a supermarket where the duck pond used to be.

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Shockin', eh? But, er,

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I hope you enjoy it here.

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Dad was saying this is the first place you...

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..walked.

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So...

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miss you.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Gary! Turn that bloody phone off!

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-I know, but it's really important.

-And this isn't?

0:21:360:21:39

Hello, wrong number. Gary speakin'.

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Right, brilliant. OK, I'll see you there.

0:21:420:21:45

No, it'll be fine. OK. See you. Bye, bye. I'm sorry.

0:21:450:21:50

Well, Lynda, there's no' a day I don't think o' you.

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No' a moment you're no' with me.

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You were so much fun, a great sense o' humour.

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Remember when you chose this suit for me?

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Well, Lynda, time for you to get some air.

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Dad. Dad, I'll...

0:22:270:22:29

Do you want me to have a shot? I opened a jar of gherkins last week. Nae offence.

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None taken. On you go.

0:22:440:22:46

-Oh, for Pete's sake. What an idiot.

-Martin! She's just a bit slow.

0:22:510:22:55

Superglue, Margaret, superglue.

0:22:550:22:58

-I superglued the lid shut years ago.

-Is that why it won't open?

0:22:580:23:03

I think so Julie, yeah. Why did you do that?

0:23:030:23:05

Well, you'll no' remember, son,

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but a few years after your mother passed,

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you went through a wee clumsy phase.

0:23:100:23:12

-No, I never!

-I remember that time.

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You could hardly put one foot in front of the other without falling.

0:23:150:23:19

Well, I remember I was a particularly graceful teenager.

0:23:190:23:22

Idiots.

0:23:260:23:27

Well, I think we should head back now.

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-What do you think, Lynda?

-"Yes, please!"

0:23:300:23:33

Julie, I think that's enough.

0:23:350:23:37

-Yes.

-It is, isn't it? Can we go now?

0:23:370:23:41

All right? Are yous done? We are.

0:23:440:23:49

Any chance o' a lift back?

0:23:490:23:52

Aye. Of course, Douggy.

0:23:520:23:54

Do we need nuclear weapons?

0:23:540:23:57

Aye, course we do.

0:23:570:24:00

Cos other folk have got them, right.

0:24:000:24:02

If we didnae have them, we'll be like that kid at school that had the crap trainers.

0:24:020:24:07

And, I'm sorry, but it's a harsh factoid of life,

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but that kid at school wi' crap trainers had a really tough time.

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And it's no' his fault that he had crap trainers.

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That was his mum and dad's fault.

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But we dinnae want to be that kid.

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We dinnae want to be turning up to PE in crap trainers

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wi' folk laughing, saying, "Where did you get them?

0:24:210:24:24

"Poundies? Your Mum rakes bins." We dinnae want to hear that.

0:24:240:24:27

30 billion is a lot to pay for nice Trident trainers, right,

0:24:270:24:30

but if it means we dinnae get a slaggin',

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then I think it's worth it.

0:24:340:24:36

Do you remember Reebok Pumps?

0:24:360:24:38

Pumps.

0:24:400:24:44

Corned beef sushi? Corned beef sushi? It's really nice.

0:24:520:24:56

It's really, em, corned beefy.

0:24:560:24:58

Ah, cheers.

0:24:580:25:01

-There you go, Duggy Duggy Duggy.

-Corned beef sushi, Aunt Margaret?

0:25:010:25:05

No, thanks, Gary. I can see that you and Martin are busy,

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and it's been quite a long day, so I might head off.

0:25:080:25:11

No, no, you cannae. You've got to stay here.

0:25:110:25:13

That's kind of you Gary, but, er...

0:25:130:25:15

No, no. Please, please. Just one sec. MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:25:150:25:18

Hello, Farmfoods?

0:25:180:25:21

Right, OK, fine do it. On, yous go.

0:25:210:25:24

Margaret, you're surely not away?

0:25:260:25:28

I've got a whole suckling pig roasting at the back.

0:25:280:25:30

Yes. There's only so much rudeness I can take from Gary for one day.

0:25:300:25:34

Julie, you'd like Aunt Margaret to stay, wouldn't you?

0:25:340:25:37

Gary!

0:25:370:25:39

That is enough. You've offended Margaret.

0:25:390:25:42

And I know that's easy to do, but now you've offended me, son.

0:25:420:25:46

Yeah. I know.

0:25:460:25:48

Right. OK, then, right.

0:25:480:25:52

Brilliant, go, go, do it. Right.

0:25:520:25:56

OK, if I could just...

0:25:560:25:58

If I could just maybe offend you all for just, like,

0:25:580:26:02

a few more seconds, OK?

0:26:020:26:04

Can I get everyone's attention, please? Everyone's attention.

0:26:040:26:07

OK, I would like to announce that,

0:26:070:26:10

tonight playing here is one of my mum's favouritest ever bands.

0:26:100:26:14

They've come a long way to get here tonight,

0:26:140:26:17

so please would you welcome to the living room... Aswad!

0:26:170:26:21

# Ooh ah, ooh ah

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# Ooh ah, ooh ah

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# Come on and shine shine like a star

0:26:290:26:33

# Shining so bright like the star that you are... #

0:26:330:26:37

Hold on, something's missing.

0:26:370:26:39

# Shine into the future

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# Spreading your light wherever you are. #

0:26:420:26:47

Great stuff, lads.

0:27:050:27:06

Honestly, it was like having Aswad here in the room, it really was.

0:27:060:27:10

Well done, Gary. I get it now.

0:27:100:27:13

For a while back there, I thought you'd turned into an arse.

0:27:130:27:16

But you haven't.

0:27:160:27:17

Thanks, Dad.

0:27:170:27:19

Right, come on lads. Let's try these haggis fishcakes.

0:27:190:27:22

Well, quite a day.

0:27:310:27:32

Aye. We often like to end the day on a song here.

0:27:320:27:36

I'm sorry I was short with you today.

0:27:360:27:39

No, no. It's fine. I'm sorry it just took a few calls, you know?

0:27:390:27:43

Yes, I know. But she'd be very proud of you, you know, your mum.

0:27:430:27:47

Do you think?

0:27:470:27:49

Yes. Apart from maybe your singing.

0:27:490:27:52

Oh, right.

0:27:520:27:54

That's a joke, Gary!

0:27:540:27:57

Aw, nuh!

0:27:580:28:00

No, I knew it. Check you, Aunt Margaret crackin' a wee joke.

0:28:000:28:04

I knew you had it in you.

0:28:040:28:06

I knew you had it in you, I thought you cannae be grumpy for ever,

0:28:060:28:09

you and your face and that, but you've done it.

0:28:090:28:12

You've totally cracked a joke.

0:28:120:28:14

Well done, you. You know that!

0:28:140:28:16

That's enough, Gary. I'll see you soon.

0:28:160:28:20

Aye. You totally will.

0:28:200:28:21

It was a good joke an' all because I was, like, pitch perfect, eh?

0:28:210:28:25

Who'd have thought, eh?

0:28:250:28:28

Aunt Margaret crackin' a joke.

0:28:280:28:31

That's funny, eh? Funny Aunt Margaret.

0:28:310:28:36

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:540:28:58

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