Climate Control Gary: Tank Commander

-Ready.

-Ready.

-Go!

One, two, three, four, five...

'Demonstrations have been peaceful all day.

'We're still awaiting confirmation that President Obama

'will actually attend the climate conference, but, er...'

What are we daein' here?

We should be over there where the action is.

Ach, the polis can just about handle

a couple of lassie protesters wi' hairy legs.

What are they even protesting aboot?

Climate conference, load of rubbish. I mean, what is that?

A bunch of world leaders sittin' aboot going, "Aye, it was well rainy in my bit this morning.

"I got soaked because I forgot my jacket, I was ragin'!"

Yeah, I bet wee Charlie would have some shite to say about this.

-Nae doot.

-Aye.

He'd be bangin' on aboot that carbon datin' and remissions.

-Wee radge.

-I've got to say, though,

it's not quite the same without him, eh?

-Who?

-Nae Chat Charlie.

Aye, he'd like this right enough.

Cos it's dull. Really dull.

I miss winding him up.

Aye. He was good for that.

Aye, it's weird, eh?

Cannae dae it now.

-He's gone to another place.

-Aye.

-I wonder if he's getting wound up there?

-Guaranteed.

-Deserves it, wee dick.

Oh, it's strange, eh?

One minute he was here, next minute he's gone.

I never even had a chance to say goodbye.

-I couldnae be arsed.

-He wouldnae have minded.

Do you know what?

Like, overall?

I dinnae even miss him.

Neither do I.

When's he back?

Couple o' weeks.

What course is it he's daein'?

Close Observation Operator.

What's that? Learning how to use a magnifying glass?

It's a tactical support course, at Catterick.

All right, Charlie!

You ever eaten a map?

No. Course I havenae. Not even when I was really hungry.

Whatcha...

-Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey!

-Stop the bus!

Hey!

Hiya. I'm afraid this area's closed off.

-I know it's closed off, it's my land. So if you'd let me through...

-Sorry.

Nae people or vehicles allowed past the perimeter in case any of they bam terrorists try and do a sneaky.

I'm not a bam terrorist. I'm a farmer.

Aye. So you say.

-So, er, what's your name?

-Duncan Jones.

Ah, see, if you'd said Farmer Jones, then I might have believed you.

Sorry, sir, no vehicles allowed past this point. End of.

Ludicrous!

Naw, Gary.

You're thinking of the rapper. See you later.

The war in Afghanistan,

it's a bit like an episode of Hollyoaks.

Cos you think eventually it'll get better, but it just doesnae.

It's all over the place and it gets mair and mair annoying

and you hate everyone in it.

In fact, that's unfair on war.

I cannae actually tell you how much I hate Hollyoaks.

We might have to patrol the first four miles, are we past that?

Hold on, I'm looking.

Right, we are precisely between, em...

Don't tell me we actually need Charlie!

-Lads! Lads! Can you see it?

-What? Where?

Ten o'clock, right across.

-What is it?

-A rabbit.

Get a grip, Gaz!

Oh, no, like, a big one, like, a REALLY big one.

I'm talking a massive Bugs Bunny.

-I thought you were being serious, ya fanny.

-I am being serious!

-It was a massive rabbit I just seen.

-It's just a rabbit. Come on.

No. It wasnae just a rabbit. Lads!

We're gonnae need a bigger hutch.

You talking about Jaws?

-Bigger boat and that?

-Aye, but I've changed it to hutch.

-Cos it's a rabbit.

-He doesnae say that.

Chief Brody and the boat? I've seen it a hundred times, it does my head in. Brody sees Jaws

and he says to Quint, "YOU'RE going to need a bigger boat," not, "WE'RE gonna need a bigger boat."

All right, Angry Charlie! You're going to need a bigger hutch.

Cos I have just seen a massively geometrically modified rabbit.

Don't worry about it, we've got guns. Rabbits dinnae like guns.

Ain't that wight, wabbit?

'Alpha Zero Zero, over.'

Er, go ahead, Alpha Zero Zero, over.

'Status and location, over.'

Em, Sarge, we are currently patrolling the perimeter fence.

Sarge, what's the biggest rabbit you've ever seen? Over.

'You taking the piss? Over.'

No, Alpha Zero Zero, I'm no' taking the piss.

Request to request what the biggest rabbit on Earth is? Over.

'I suggest you let David Attenborough worry about that.

'Get your shiteing arses to the perimeter gate A for not later than 1500 hours.

'We may have a very special guest in attendance. Over.'

-Barry Obama?

-'That's a TBC. Just make sure you're there. Over and out.'

-Roger that.

-Barry OB is a TBC, eh?

-Boys!

-Rabbits! Rabbits, rabbits, rabbits! See, I told youse, but you never believed me!

-Right, come on!

Naw. I want an apology.

-All right, we see them.

-You werenae making it up.

Well, I dinnae count that as an apology, but all right. Rabbits! Rabbits! Stop!

# Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

# And do it, and do it, let's live it up

# And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it

# Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

-# Cos I gotta feeling

-Whoo hoo

# That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

-# A feeling

-Whoo hoo

# That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night... #

-Haw! Look what we caught.

-Mum!

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine, I'm fine.

No thanks to you! Youse just left me.

-Somebody's in trouble!

-If it wasnae for these two, I'd still be wandering aboot.

Don't you worry. It's good to help the aged.

-Dinnae you get cheeky now, son, I'm no' too old to skelp your erse.

-I'm no' too young to like it.

-Aye aye!

-Youse are lucky we never shot youse.

-Like rabbits.

-Oh, thanks, we're so grateful, action men(!)

-Brendan!

Seriously, what are youse all aboot?

We want to see Mr Obama.

We have a very important gift for him.

Oh, really? Hold on.

Barry! Barry!

No, I'm afraid he's no' in.

So next time, I recommend posting it.

His address is The White Hoose...

America. That should do it.

I would appreciate it if you took us to see him right now.

I'm not taking no for an answer.

No. That's your answer. And you'll take it.

OK.

Never mind, George.

Right. What to dae wi' youse, eh? What to dae wi' youse.

-We need to hand them in.

-Aye?

Your call, Gaz.

A word in my office, please, gentlemen.

We'll be right over here.

Chattin' about youse.

No, we are not letting them go.

Right. I know terrorists are stupid, right, but they're not that stupid.

I mean, Thomson doesnae ken about it, so why don't we just release them back into the wild?

Well, if you want to risk them digging under a fence and getting through to Barry OB

-with their gift of peace, that's up to you.

-Aye, but the old dear couldnae do that.

I think she's fitter than she looks.

Tell me you dinnae fancy her.

Calm down, she's hardly a GRILF.

Granny Rabbit I'd Like tae...

-THEY SNIGGER

-Feed? Aye. Right.

OK, let's think about this. The pros and no' pros of letting them go.

Jacko, no' pros?

We let them go. They try it again.

They get through to Obama, or worse, Thomson, then we're all dead.

-Pros?

-Right, we're taking them in. Get Thomson on the wireless,

-let him know we're on our way, all right?

-How me?

-Well, do you see Charlie anywhere? Get on it.

-Sake...

Nae option, big man.

I know. It's just that...

Doesnae matter.

-Nae bother.

-I've never actually told anyone this before,

but see when I was wee?

I had a rabbit.

And it died.

What happened, like?

I shouted at it.

It was annoying me, I was only eight.

I was trying to get it to fetch a stick, but it wouldnae.

So I screamed, "I dinnae like you!

"I always wanted a dug, no' a rabbit!"

Ken, like, right in its face.

Then later that night,

it died.

You cannae kill a rabbit by shouting at it.

I did.

What time of year was this?

Couple of days after my birthday, in January.

Gary, it was probably the cold.

Naw, it wasnae.

That rabbit loved the cold.

It was me, Jacko,

I killed him.

Right, well,

you have just got to remember

that they are people dressed as rabbits, no' actual rabbits. Come on!

Aye.

Poor Fido.

Shame.

-You secure that shit, McLintoch! Focus!

-Aye!

I've already lost one rabbit, I'm no' gonna lose another.

We're taking them in.

Does he want to take any longer?

For goodness sake, do you time folk doin' a pee in the Army?

Sometimes. Depends how bored we are.

-He'll be flooding that field soon enough.

-That's no' him.

-He's taken the suit off. He's doing a runner!

-Yes!

-Brendan!

This wasnae part of the plan.

Oh, aye, George, and getting caught was?

Right, Adam, doon ye get.

-Make sure Elmer Fudd doesnae lose the plot.

-Right.

WOMAN WAILS

Ah, ya bastard!

Man doon! Man doon!

Run, rabbits, run, run, run! Come on!

Y'all right? What happened?

Rabbit hole. Didnae see it.

See youse? Honestly!

Well done, lads, for catching Billy Elliott there.

-Nah, he came back when he heard Jacko fall.

-Thought he hurt himself.

-He has hurt himself, as indicated by his "Mariah Carey seein' a spider" scream.

-Shut your hole!

See what you've done?

I think somebody might be wanting to have a word with him.

I would, but my throat's a wee bit tickly.

Well, I think you did very well to help the soldier, son.

Very proud.

Pop your suit back on, you'll catch your death in your pants.

-Right.

-It would appear that rabbit family discipline operates a bit differently.

Do you want tae apologise?

I'm sorry.

All right.

Look at him,

he's a wreck.

Emotionally, physically, virtually, that man is broken inside.

Gary, let's go.

See?

D'you need a tissue? Hmm?

What was it that they said? Ehm...

"The BP oil spill is environment's 9/11"?

Hardly. It happened in April.

Sorry about Brendan, he's been having some difficulties at school.

-Four As and a B in his exams and he just hasn't got over the B at all, poor thing.

-Aye, nightmare.

Only B I got at school was the one that stung me. Get it?

Aye, that's a good joke, Gary.

Ho!

That was Thomson.

He wants us back, pronto.

Security's getting beefed up for a special guest.

Ah, see? I knew he was here, mother, eh? What did I say?

Knew who was here? We could be talking about Tina Turner.

Old hag.

Anyway, it hardly matters now, George.

I don't think Barack Obama does jail visits.

The polis will get the rabbits at the checkpoint, 1500 hours.

Gonnae be tight wi' Hopalong here, eh?

Please, before we're handed over, could you not just escort us along to Mr Obama

-and we could give him our gift and leave, you know, without any trouble.

-Right.

What exactly is this gift of peace?

-It's in ma pouch.

-Hey, Gary!

It's nothing dangerous. I mean, we made it ourselves.

Aye. We've heard that one before.

Right, seriously. See if youse are suicide rabbits,

I will no' be happy. Is that understood?

Of course we're not.

I mean, Sue here does a pottery class on a Thursday.

I've just taken up yoga. I mean, we've so much to live for.

I'm gonna be sick!

Listen, boys, we're no' suicidal anythings.

-We're no' interested in virgins.

-Gran!

Calm doon, Brendan, you'll find a girl soon.

Right, go on then. Let's see it.

Unroll it.

THEY LAUGH

Aw, naw!

Seriously, is that meant to be Barack Obama?

Tell them, dear, go on, tell them the story.

Well.

When I used to work in the bank,

one day, a lady came to ask me for a loan.

-Is this going to get a bit more exciting?

-Hey, cloth ears, listen.

Thank you, mother.

She wanted a loan because she was a single mother and she was behind with her rent.

She had a bad credit rating, so I couldn't lend her the money.

But when I was just about to tell her that,

her young daughter leant across the desk and gave me a picture of a piggy bank that she'd drawn,

with the word "please" underneath.

-SHE SOBS

-Every time!

-Right.

-So, I couldn't refuse her.

You know, I lent her the money.

That personal message from her daughter had made all the difference, you see?

And did she repay the loan?

Eh? Oh, no, she defaulted and ended up being evicted, but that's not the point.

'Come in, Alpha Zero Zero. Where the bloody hell are you? Over.'

Right. Let me get this straight.

Youse want a loan off Barack?

No, no.

We want to deliver our message of peace personally,

see, so that he'll remember it when he comes to make decisions that affect us all.

-And what makes you think that he'll no' default?

-Hope.

Where's that shortbread? I'm starvin'!

She's brilliant.

I can't watch rabbits like this, it's breaking my heart.

Snip the ties.

This is taking ages.

Leave me, youse drop them, I'll catch up.

No way. Even though you fell and embarrassed yourself, you're coming tae.

-C'mon, let's do this.

-There's a farmhouse no' far.

Maybe we could take possession of a quad.

Good thinking, Mr Bailiff.

-SUE WHIMPERS

-She always like that?

She cries watching Neighbours.

To be fair...

Right, you, come on. Try no' tae think about the jail.

First stop, the police and MI5.

-SHE CRIES

-Happy thoughts, Sue, happy thoughts.

I swear I am that close to, like, shoutin' in their rabbit faces!

C'mon.

Aah! Goodness me, look who it is. It's Farmer Jones!

Everybody, this is Farmer Jones. Farmer Jones, this is, eh, everybody.

-How lovely it is to see you again.

-What is it this time? Am I not allowed to be in my own house?

No, no, you're very welcome to be in your own hoose, and what a lovely hoose it is as well.

-You must sell a lot of potatoes.

-It's a livestock farm. As in cows, sheep, horses.

Oh, aye, I get you, as in, like, Old Macdonald, ee-I, ee-I-oh, eh?

Aye. Well, listen, my comrade with arms here, Jacko, has, eh, managed

to sprain his ankle chasing these there rabbits...

long story... and I wondered, with your permission, if we could commandeer one of your vehicles?

-I thought you said no vehicles allowed.

-I did say no vehicles.

Well, I wouldn't want you guys to get into trouble now, so, er, no.

-What about a horse?

-Sick.

- All of them? - Aye. End of.

Please, anything you can spare to help, they're good men, really.

Thanks. Much appreciated.

Besides, we've got to get them back to get them arrested, so...

SHE SOBS

Come on, darling. It's OK.

Wait here.

Unit C, set. Join up with Fifth no later than 1505 hours. Over.

WHY ARE YOU RIDING A COW?

He sprained his ankle. It was the quickest way to get here.

A cow ambulance?!

We will talk about this later. And these numpties are either the medical team or the trespassers.

There's no such thing as trespassing on public land. Have you never heard of the right to roam?

Listen, son, very shortly, you will have the right to remain silent,

and I very much suggest you start PRACTISING THAT NOW!

Sarge... he's just a teenager.

HE'S AN IDIOT! You'll all get along very well!

Gary, it's been nice meeting you. You have a kind heart.

-Spread the message of peace, eh, Gary?

-I will.

Will we be charged?

Does a rabbit eat carrots?

-SHE WHIMPERS

-Och, we'll be OK, Sue.

No, you won't. That's it, this way, dear.

Dear? Dear?

Away and stick that dear up your arse, ya baldy coot!

Don't! Why are those vermin dressed as rabbits?

Dunno. We never thought tae ask.

I don't know who's more stupid, you or them!

-Now get in position, El Presidente is on his way.

-Yas!

Barry OB was a TBC. Now he's a BC with an ETA of... shortly.

We're back in the game, eh?

Keep sharp, you ladies are on this post. Think you can manage that?

Easy, Sarge. Standing on one leg.

- Jackson? - Aye, I'll have to.

Aye, you're right. I'm taking the outer perimeter with the bobbies.

Sarge... any chance you could maybe say to the polis, em,

not to shout at the rabbits too much?

Not to shout at them?

Listen, Terry Nutkins, you are in the Army, not the Really Wild Show.

Now GET IN POSITION!

AAAH, YA BASTARD!

Black, white, broon...

yellow, blue, green, orange,

right, it makes nae difference to me, right?

And I just dinnae get it when folk are funny about colour.

A Smartie's a Smartie.

They all taste the same.

Apart from maybe the orange ones,

but I don't know if that's, like, cyclo-semantic, ken?

GARY SIGHS

Gary, you need to let this go.

I know, it's just...

sometimes I think if I hadn't just shouted right in its face

and said I wanted a dug instead, it might still be alive.

Lads, lads, the Big Man!

Check oot the size of they motors!

On his way to a climate conference an' aw!

He's the most important man in the world, he's hardly gonnae pitch up on a scooter.

Aye, but maybe he doesnae have his licence, eh?

Lads, that's it!

-Stall the first car.

-Whit?

-Stop the front car.

-Whit?

Just dae it. Stop the car at the front.

-We'll get shot.

-We cannae.

"Yes we can", right? Stop the car, dae it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a moment, please.

We've been instructed to double check security clearance before you proceed,

just to make sure there's no clear and present danger.

Safety first an' that.

What's he... Oh, you've got to be kiddin' me!

He's got the tapestry.

He's giving it to Obama!

OK, come here.

OK! We're in the pipe, five by five. All right, on you go.

What? I just gave him that.

What did he say?

Obama's got one M.

Honestly!

What a cheek! Did he say anything else?

"Have a nice day."

Oh, they always say that, eh? Even if you shout at them.

I wouldnae want to see you shouting at Barry OB, not with your track record.

Aye, fair enough, eh? I couldnae have that on my conscience as well.

The assassination of B-OB using my voice? Shockin'.

MOBILE PHONE PLAYS "RESPECTABLE" BY MEL & KIM

Hello, Spelling B, Z speaking.

Naw, it's me, Gary.

All right, Charlie!

Wahey!

How're you getting on?

Oh, you passed?

Hear that?

Aye, nothing!

Ach, no' much.

Seen a few rabbits, a cow... Oh, we seen Barry OB's motor.

OK, listen...

does Obama have one M or two?

Aye, that's what he said. Doesnae matter.

Aye, me and the boys were just sayin', it'll be great to see you back.

Naw, no' really!

All right, then.

Aye, OK, brilliant. Right, catch you later.

Idiot!

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