Climate Control Gary: Tank Commander


Climate Control

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-Ready.

-Ready.

-Go!

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One, two, three, four, five...

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'Demonstrations have been peaceful all day.

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'We're still awaiting confirmation that President Obama

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'will actually attend the climate conference, but, er...'

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What are we daein' here?

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We should be over there where the action is.

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Ach, the polis can just about handle

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a couple of lassie protesters wi' hairy legs.

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What are they even protesting aboot?

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Climate conference, load of rubbish. I mean, what is that?

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A bunch of world leaders sittin' aboot going, "Aye, it was well rainy in my bit this morning.

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"I got soaked because I forgot my jacket, I was ragin'!"

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Yeah, I bet wee Charlie would have some shite to say about this.

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-Nae doot.

-Aye.

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He'd be bangin' on aboot that carbon datin' and remissions.

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-Wee radge.

-I've got to say, though,

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it's not quite the same without him, eh?

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-Who?

-Nae Chat Charlie.

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Aye, he'd like this right enough.

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Cos it's dull. Really dull.

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I miss winding him up.

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Aye. He was good for that.

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Aye, it's weird, eh?

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Cannae dae it now.

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-He's gone to another place.

-Aye.

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-I wonder if he's getting wound up there?

-Guaranteed.

-Deserves it, wee dick.

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Oh, it's strange, eh?

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One minute he was here, next minute he's gone.

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I never even had a chance to say goodbye.

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-I couldnae be arsed.

-He wouldnae have minded.

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Do you know what?

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Like, overall?

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I dinnae even miss him.

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Neither do I.

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When's he back?

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Couple o' weeks.

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What course is it he's daein'?

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Close Observation Operator.

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What's that? Learning how to use a magnifying glass?

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It's a tactical support course, at Catterick.

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All right, Charlie!

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You ever eaten a map?

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No. Course I havenae. Not even when I was really hungry.

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Whatcha...

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-Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey!

-Stop the bus!

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Hey!

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Hiya. I'm afraid this area's closed off.

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-I know it's closed off, it's my land. So if you'd let me through...

-Sorry.

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Nae people or vehicles allowed past the perimeter in case any of they bam terrorists try and do a sneaky.

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I'm not a bam terrorist. I'm a farmer.

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Aye. So you say.

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-So, er, what's your name?

-Duncan Jones.

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Ah, see, if you'd said Farmer Jones, then I might have believed you.

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Sorry, sir, no vehicles allowed past this point. End of.

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Ludicrous!

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Naw, Gary.

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You're thinking of the rapper. See you later.

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The war in Afghanistan,

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it's a bit like an episode of Hollyoaks.

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Cos you think eventually it'll get better, but it just doesnae.

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It's all over the place and it gets mair and mair annoying

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and you hate everyone in it.

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In fact, that's unfair on war.

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I cannae actually tell you how much I hate Hollyoaks.

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We might have to patrol the first four miles, are we past that?

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Hold on, I'm looking.

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Right, we are precisely between, em...

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Don't tell me we actually need Charlie!

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-Lads! Lads! Can you see it?

-What? Where?

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Ten o'clock, right across.

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-What is it?

-A rabbit.

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Get a grip, Gaz!

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Oh, no, like, a big one, like, a REALLY big one.

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I'm talking a massive Bugs Bunny.

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-I thought you were being serious, ya fanny.

-I am being serious!

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-It was a massive rabbit I just seen.

-It's just a rabbit. Come on.

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No. It wasnae just a rabbit. Lads!

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We're gonnae need a bigger hutch.

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You talking about Jaws?

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-Bigger boat and that?

-Aye, but I've changed it to hutch.

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-Cos it's a rabbit.

-He doesnae say that.

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Chief Brody and the boat? I've seen it a hundred times, it does my head in. Brody sees Jaws

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and he says to Quint, "YOU'RE going to need a bigger boat," not, "WE'RE gonna need a bigger boat."

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All right, Angry Charlie! You're going to need a bigger hutch.

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Cos I have just seen a massively geometrically modified rabbit.

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Don't worry about it, we've got guns. Rabbits dinnae like guns.

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Ain't that wight, wabbit?

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'Alpha Zero Zero, over.'

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Er, go ahead, Alpha Zero Zero, over.

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'Status and location, over.'

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Em, Sarge, we are currently patrolling the perimeter fence.

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Sarge, what's the biggest rabbit you've ever seen? Over.

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'You taking the piss? Over.'

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No, Alpha Zero Zero, I'm no' taking the piss.

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Request to request what the biggest rabbit on Earth is? Over.

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'I suggest you let David Attenborough worry about that.

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'Get your shiteing arses to the perimeter gate A for not later than 1500 hours.

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'We may have a very special guest in attendance. Over.'

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-Barry Obama?

-'That's a TBC. Just make sure you're there. Over and out.'

-Roger that.

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-Barry OB is a TBC, eh?

-Boys!

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-Rabbits! Rabbits, rabbits, rabbits! See, I told youse, but you never believed me!

-Right, come on!

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Naw. I want an apology.

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-All right, we see them.

-You werenae making it up.

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Well, I dinnae count that as an apology, but all right. Rabbits! Rabbits! Stop!

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# Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

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# And do it, and do it, let's live it up

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# And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it

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# Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

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-# Cos I gotta feeling

-Whoo hoo

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# That tonight's gonna be a good night

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# That tonight's gonna be a good night

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# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

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-# A feeling

-Whoo hoo

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# That tonight's gonna be a good night

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# That tonight's gonna be a good night

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# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night... #

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-Haw! Look what we caught.

-Mum!

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-Are you OK?

-I'm fine, I'm fine.

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No thanks to you! Youse just left me.

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-Somebody's in trouble!

-If it wasnae for these two, I'd still be wandering aboot.

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Don't you worry. It's good to help the aged.

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-Dinnae you get cheeky now, son, I'm no' too old to skelp your erse.

-I'm no' too young to like it.

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-Aye aye!

-Youse are lucky we never shot youse.

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-Like rabbits.

-Oh, thanks, we're so grateful, action men(!)

-Brendan!

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Seriously, what are youse all aboot?

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We want to see Mr Obama.

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We have a very important gift for him.

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Oh, really? Hold on.

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Barry! Barry!

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No, I'm afraid he's no' in.

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So next time, I recommend posting it.

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His address is The White Hoose...

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America. That should do it.

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I would appreciate it if you took us to see him right now.

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I'm not taking no for an answer.

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No. That's your answer. And you'll take it.

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OK.

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Never mind, George.

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Right. What to dae wi' youse, eh? What to dae wi' youse.

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-We need to hand them in.

-Aye?

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Your call, Gaz.

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A word in my office, please, gentlemen.

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We'll be right over here.

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Chattin' about youse.

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No, we are not letting them go.

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Right. I know terrorists are stupid, right, but they're not that stupid.

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I mean, Thomson doesnae ken about it, so why don't we just release them back into the wild?

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Well, if you want to risk them digging under a fence and getting through to Barry OB

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-with their gift of peace, that's up to you.

-Aye, but the old dear couldnae do that.

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I think she's fitter than she looks.

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Tell me you dinnae fancy her.

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Calm down, she's hardly a GRILF.

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Granny Rabbit I'd Like tae...

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-THEY SNIGGER

-Feed? Aye. Right.

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OK, let's think about this. The pros and no' pros of letting them go.

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Jacko, no' pros?

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We let them go. They try it again.

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They get through to Obama, or worse, Thomson, then we're all dead.

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-Pros?

-Right, we're taking them in. Get Thomson on the wireless,

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-let him know we're on our way, all right?

-How me?

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-Well, do you see Charlie anywhere? Get on it.

-Sake...

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Nae option, big man.

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I know. It's just that...

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Doesnae matter.

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-Nae bother.

-I've never actually told anyone this before,

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but see when I was wee?

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I had a rabbit.

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And it died.

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What happened, like?

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I shouted at it.

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It was annoying me, I was only eight.

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I was trying to get it to fetch a stick, but it wouldnae.

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So I screamed, "I dinnae like you!

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"I always wanted a dug, no' a rabbit!"

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Ken, like, right in its face.

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Then later that night,

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it died.

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You cannae kill a rabbit by shouting at it.

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I did.

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What time of year was this?

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Couple of days after my birthday, in January.

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Gary, it was probably the cold.

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Naw, it wasnae.

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That rabbit loved the cold.

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It was me, Jacko,

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I killed him.

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Right, well,

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you have just got to remember

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that they are people dressed as rabbits, no' actual rabbits. Come on!

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Aye.

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Poor Fido.

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Shame.

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-You secure that shit, McLintoch! Focus!

-Aye!

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I've already lost one rabbit, I'm no' gonna lose another.

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We're taking them in.

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Does he want to take any longer?

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For goodness sake, do you time folk doin' a pee in the Army?

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Sometimes. Depends how bored we are.

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-He'll be flooding that field soon enough.

-That's no' him.

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-He's taken the suit off. He's doing a runner!

-Yes!

-Brendan!

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This wasnae part of the plan.

0:12:290:12:31

Oh, aye, George, and getting caught was?

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Right, Adam, doon ye get.

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-Make sure Elmer Fudd doesnae lose the plot.

-Right.

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WOMAN WAILS

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Ah, ya bastard!

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Man doon! Man doon!

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Run, rabbits, run, run, run! Come on!

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Y'all right? What happened?

0:12:580:13:02

Rabbit hole. Didnae see it.

0:13:020:13:04

See youse? Honestly!

0:13:040:13:07

Well done, lads, for catching Billy Elliott there.

0:13:070:13:10

-Nah, he came back when he heard Jacko fall.

-Thought he hurt himself.

0:13:100:13:14

-He has hurt himself, as indicated by his "Mariah Carey seein' a spider" scream.

-Shut your hole!

0:13:140:13:20

See what you've done?

0:13:200:13:23

I think somebody might be wanting to have a word with him.

0:13:230:13:27

I would, but my throat's a wee bit tickly.

0:13:270:13:32

Well, I think you did very well to help the soldier, son.

0:13:320:13:35

Very proud.

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Pop your suit back on, you'll catch your death in your pants.

0:13:370:13:41

-Right.

-It would appear that rabbit family discipline operates a bit differently.

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Do you want tae apologise?

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I'm sorry.

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All right.

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Look at him,

0:13:590:14:01

he's a wreck.

0:14:010:14:02

Emotionally, physically, virtually, that man is broken inside.

0:14:020:14:09

Gary, let's go.

0:14:090:14:11

See?

0:14:110:14:12

D'you need a tissue? Hmm?

0:14:150:14:19

What was it that they said? Ehm...

0:14:210:14:23

"The BP oil spill is environment's 9/11"?

0:14:230:14:29

Hardly. It happened in April.

0:14:290:14:32

Sorry about Brendan, he's been having some difficulties at school.

0:14:350:14:40

-Four As and a B in his exams and he just hasn't got over the B at all, poor thing.

-Aye, nightmare.

0:14:400:14:47

Only B I got at school was the one that stung me. Get it?

0:14:470:14:51

Aye, that's a good joke, Gary.

0:14:510:14:53

Ho!

0:14:530:14:55

That was Thomson.

0:14:550:14:57

He wants us back, pronto.

0:14:570:14:59

Security's getting beefed up for a special guest.

0:14:590:15:02

Ah, see? I knew he was here, mother, eh? What did I say?

0:15:020:15:05

Knew who was here? We could be talking about Tina Turner.

0:15:050:15:09

Old hag.

0:15:090:15:10

Anyway, it hardly matters now, George.

0:15:100:15:13

I don't think Barack Obama does jail visits.

0:15:130:15:15

The polis will get the rabbits at the checkpoint, 1500 hours.

0:15:150:15:19

Gonnae be tight wi' Hopalong here, eh?

0:15:190:15:22

Please, before we're handed over, could you not just escort us along to Mr Obama

0:15:220:15:27

-and we could give him our gift and leave, you know, without any trouble.

-Right.

0:15:270:15:31

What exactly is this gift of peace?

0:15:310:15:35

-It's in ma pouch.

-Hey, Gary!

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It's nothing dangerous. I mean, we made it ourselves.

0:15:380:15:42

Aye. We've heard that one before.

0:15:420:15:45

Right, seriously. See if youse are suicide rabbits,

0:15:450:15:49

I will no' be happy. Is that understood?

0:15:490:15:51

Of course we're not.

0:15:510:15:52

I mean, Sue here does a pottery class on a Thursday.

0:15:520:15:56

I've just taken up yoga. I mean, we've so much to live for.

0:15:560:16:01

I'm gonna be sick!

0:16:010:16:03

Listen, boys, we're no' suicidal anythings.

0:16:030:16:06

-We're no' interested in virgins.

-Gran!

0:16:060:16:10

Calm doon, Brendan, you'll find a girl soon.

0:16:100:16:13

Right, go on then. Let's see it.

0:16:150:16:18

Unroll it.

0:16:210:16:22

THEY LAUGH

0:16:270:16:32

Aw, naw!

0:16:340:16:36

Seriously, is that meant to be Barack Obama?

0:16:580:17:01

Tell them, dear, go on, tell them the story.

0:17:010:17:06

Well.

0:17:060:17:09

When I used to work in the bank,

0:17:090:17:11

one day, a lady came to ask me for a loan.

0:17:110:17:16

-Is this going to get a bit more exciting?

-Hey, cloth ears, listen.

0:17:160:17:20

Thank you, mother.

0:17:200:17:22

She wanted a loan because she was a single mother and she was behind with her rent.

0:17:220:17:27

She had a bad credit rating, so I couldn't lend her the money.

0:17:270:17:32

But when I was just about to tell her that,

0:17:320:17:34

her young daughter leant across the desk and gave me a picture of a piggy bank that she'd drawn,

0:17:340:17:42

with the word "please" underneath.

0:17:420:17:46

-SHE SOBS

-Every time!

0:17:460:17:50

-Right.

-So, I couldn't refuse her.

0:17:500:17:54

You know, I lent her the money.

0:17:540:17:57

That personal message from her daughter had made all the difference, you see?

0:17:570:18:01

And did she repay the loan?

0:18:010:18:04

Eh? Oh, no, she defaulted and ended up being evicted, but that's not the point.

0:18:040:18:08

'Come in, Alpha Zero Zero. Where the bloody hell are you? Over.'

0:18:080:18:14

Right. Let me get this straight.

0:18:140:18:16

Youse want a loan off Barack?

0:18:160:18:18

No, no.

0:18:180:18:20

We want to deliver our message of peace personally,

0:18:200:18:23

see, so that he'll remember it when he comes to make decisions that affect us all.

0:18:230:18:28

-And what makes you think that he'll no' default?

-Hope.

0:18:280:18:32

Where's that shortbread? I'm starvin'!

0:18:320:18:35

She's brilliant.

0:18:370:18:40

I can't watch rabbits like this, it's breaking my heart.

0:18:430:18:46

Snip the ties.

0:18:460:18:48

This is taking ages.

0:18:510:18:53

Leave me, youse drop them, I'll catch up.

0:18:530:18:56

No way. Even though you fell and embarrassed yourself, you're coming tae.

0:18:560:19:01

-C'mon, let's do this.

-There's a farmhouse no' far.

0:19:010:19:04

Maybe we could take possession of a quad.

0:19:040:19:07

Good thinking, Mr Bailiff.

0:19:070:19:09

-SUE WHIMPERS

-She always like that?

0:19:100:19:13

She cries watching Neighbours.

0:19:130:19:15

To be fair...

0:19:150:19:17

Right, you, come on. Try no' tae think about the jail.

0:19:170:19:20

First stop, the police and MI5.

0:19:200:19:22

-SHE CRIES

-Happy thoughts, Sue, happy thoughts.

0:19:220:19:26

I swear I am that close to, like, shoutin' in their rabbit faces!

0:19:260:19:31

C'mon.

0:19:310:19:32

Aah! Goodness me, look who it is. It's Farmer Jones!

0:19:510:19:58

Everybody, this is Farmer Jones. Farmer Jones, this is, eh, everybody.

0:19:580:20:03

-How lovely it is to see you again.

-What is it this time? Am I not allowed to be in my own house?

0:20:030:20:08

No, no, you're very welcome to be in your own hoose, and what a lovely hoose it is as well.

0:20:080:20:14

-You must sell a lot of potatoes.

-It's a livestock farm. As in cows, sheep, horses.

0:20:140:20:20

Oh, aye, I get you, as in, like, Old Macdonald, ee-I, ee-I-oh, eh?

0:20:200:20:24

Aye. Well, listen, my comrade with arms here, Jacko, has, eh, managed

0:20:240:20:30

to sprain his ankle chasing these there rabbits...

0:20:300:20:34

long story... and I wondered, with your permission, if we could commandeer one of your vehicles?

0:20:340:20:39

-I thought you said no vehicles allowed.

-I did say no vehicles.

0:20:390:20:44

Well, I wouldn't want you guys to get into trouble now, so, er, no.

0:20:440:20:49

-What about a horse?

-Sick.

0:20:490:20:51

- All of them? - Aye. End of.

0:20:510:20:55

Please, anything you can spare to help, they're good men, really.

0:20:550:21:00

Thanks. Much appreciated.

0:21:000:21:04

Besides, we've got to get them back to get them arrested, so...

0:21:040:21:07

SHE SOBS

0:21:070:21:10

Come on, darling. It's OK.

0:21:100:21:13

Wait here.

0:21:140:21:16

Unit C, set. Join up with Fifth no later than 1505 hours. Over.

0:21:210:21:27

WHY ARE YOU RIDING A COW?

0:21:430:21:48

He sprained his ankle. It was the quickest way to get here.

0:21:480:21:52

A cow ambulance?!

0:21:520:21:54

We will talk about this later. And these numpties are either the medical team or the trespassers.

0:21:540:22:00

There's no such thing as trespassing on public land. Have you never heard of the right to roam?

0:22:000:22:05

Listen, son, very shortly, you will have the right to remain silent,

0:22:050:22:11

and I very much suggest you start PRACTISING THAT NOW!

0:22:110:22:15

Sarge... he's just a teenager.

0:22:150:22:17

HE'S AN IDIOT! You'll all get along very well!

0:22:170:22:20

Gary, it's been nice meeting you. You have a kind heart.

0:22:200:22:26

-Spread the message of peace, eh, Gary?

-I will.

0:22:260:22:30

Will we be charged?

0:22:320:22:33

Does a rabbit eat carrots?

0:22:330:22:35

-SHE WHIMPERS

-Och, we'll be OK, Sue.

0:22:350:22:39

No, you won't. That's it, this way, dear.

0:22:390:22:43

Dear? Dear?

0:22:430:22:45

Away and stick that dear up your arse, ya baldy coot!

0:22:450:22:49

Don't! Why are those vermin dressed as rabbits?

0:22:500:22:54

Dunno. We never thought tae ask.

0:22:540:22:57

I don't know who's more stupid, you or them!

0:22:570:23:00

-Now get in position, El Presidente is on his way.

-Yas!

0:23:000:23:03

Barry OB was a TBC. Now he's a BC with an ETA of... shortly.

0:23:030:23:08

We're back in the game, eh?

0:23:080:23:10

Keep sharp, you ladies are on this post. Think you can manage that?

0:23:100:23:14

Easy, Sarge. Standing on one leg.

0:23:140:23:16

- Jackson? - Aye, I'll have to.

0:23:160:23:19

Aye, you're right. I'm taking the outer perimeter with the bobbies.

0:23:190:23:23

Sarge... any chance you could maybe say to the polis, em,

0:23:230:23:28

not to shout at the rabbits too much?

0:23:280:23:31

Not to shout at them?

0:23:310:23:34

Listen, Terry Nutkins, you are in the Army, not the Really Wild Show.

0:23:340:23:39

Now GET IN POSITION!

0:23:390:23:41

AAAH, YA BASTARD!

0:23:410:23:43

Black, white, broon...

0:23:570:24:00

yellow, blue, green, orange,

0:24:000:24:02

right, it makes nae difference to me, right?

0:24:020:24:05

And I just dinnae get it when folk are funny about colour.

0:24:050:24:08

A Smartie's a Smartie.

0:24:080:24:11

They all taste the same.

0:24:110:24:15

Apart from maybe the orange ones,

0:24:170:24:19

but I don't know if that's, like, cyclo-semantic, ken?

0:24:190:24:25

GARY SIGHS

0:24:300:24:32

Gary, you need to let this go.

0:24:320:24:36

I know, it's just...

0:24:360:24:38

sometimes I think if I hadn't just shouted right in its face

0:24:380:24:43

and said I wanted a dug instead, it might still be alive.

0:24:430:24:47

Lads, lads, the Big Man!

0:24:470:24:50

Check oot the size of they motors!

0:24:550:24:57

On his way to a climate conference an' aw!

0:24:570:24:59

He's the most important man in the world, he's hardly gonnae pitch up on a scooter.

0:24:590:25:03

Aye, but maybe he doesnae have his licence, eh?

0:25:030:25:06

Lads, that's it!

0:25:060:25:09

-Stall the first car.

-Whit?

-Stop the front car.

-Whit?

0:25:090:25:14

Just dae it. Stop the car at the front.

0:25:140:25:16

-We'll get shot.

-We cannae.

0:25:160:25:17

"Yes we can", right? Stop the car, dae it.

0:25:170:25:21

Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a moment, please.

0:25:210:25:25

We've been instructed to double check security clearance before you proceed,

0:25:250:25:29

just to make sure there's no clear and present danger.

0:25:290:25:33

Safety first an' that.

0:25:330:25:34

What's he... Oh, you've got to be kiddin' me!

0:25:390:25:44

He's got the tapestry.

0:25:470:25:49

He's giving it to Obama!

0:25:490:25:52

OK, come here.

0:25:590:26:00

OK! We're in the pipe, five by five. All right, on you go.

0:26:000:26:06

What? I just gave him that.

0:26:470:26:49

What did he say?

0:26:490:26:51

Obama's got one M.

0:26:510:26:53

Honestly!

0:26:530:26:55

What a cheek! Did he say anything else?

0:26:550:26:58

"Have a nice day."

0:26:580:27:00

Oh, they always say that, eh? Even if you shout at them.

0:27:000:27:03

I wouldnae want to see you shouting at Barry OB, not with your track record.

0:27:030:27:07

Aye, fair enough, eh? I couldnae have that on my conscience as well.

0:27:070:27:11

The assassination of B-OB using my voice? Shockin'.

0:27:110:27:17

MOBILE PHONE PLAYS "RESPECTABLE" BY MEL & KIM

0:27:170:27:21

Hello, Spelling B, Z speaking.

0:27:220:27:24

Naw, it's me, Gary.

0:27:240:27:26

All right, Charlie!

0:27:260:27:28

Wahey!

0:27:280:27:30

How're you getting on?

0:27:300:27:32

Oh, you passed?

0:27:320:27:34

Hear that?

0:27:360:27:37

Aye, nothing!

0:27:370:27:39

Ach, no' much.

0:27:400:27:43

Seen a few rabbits, a cow... Oh, we seen Barry OB's motor.

0:27:430:27:50

OK, listen...

0:27:500:27:51

does Obama have one M or two?

0:27:510:27:54

Aye, that's what he said. Doesnae matter.

0:27:560:28:00

Aye, me and the boys were just sayin', it'll be great to see you back.

0:28:000:28:04

Naw, no' really!

0:28:040:28:05

All right, then.

0:28:050:28:08

Aye, OK, brilliant. Right, catch you later.

0:28:080:28:11

Idiot!

0:28:110:28:13

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0:28:440:28:47

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0:28:470:28:50

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