The Toast Him & Her

This programme contains strong language

You...

are...

very good at blow jobs.

Thank you.

And I am brilliant

-at receiving them.

-Mm. Yes.

You were very well behaved.

So polite of you just to lie back and take it.

Thank you, I do my best.

You, on the other hand, brought the bloody house down.

Shut up.

You're incredibly noisy.

-Why would you say that?

-Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not a bad thing.

Course it's a bad thing. Makes me feel...

Like a prostitute.

No. Paranoid.

It makes me feel paranoid.

What do you mean, a prostitute?

Well, I don't mean prostitute.

Well, not a professional one.

You've got a long way to go till you're that good.

-Shut up.

-When I have sex with you, I close my eyes, and I imagine I'm hunched over a prostitute.

-Hunched?

-It's the only reason I like having sex with yer.

-I'm going for a wee.

-Oh, no, stay here and have sex with me.

Get off.

"All tall men mind the mad arithmetic."

Six letters.

How did we get home last night?

-Barney gave us a lift.

-Did he?

Why was he driving when he could have been drinking?

-What?

-You heard.

He's starting at HSBC today.

Oh, yeah.

Silly old sod.

Why's he got himself a job for?

Oh, I think I need a pooh as well.

Charming.

MUSIC FROM TITANIC PLAYS FAINTLY

He's been watching Titanic...again.

Steve, can you make me some toast?

No, er, you'll eat in the bed and I won't get rid of the crumbs.

-Yes, you will.

-Can't you just have it as bread?

-Raw?

-Yeah.

-In the morning?

Yes, why not?

We must have had a million pizzas in there.

Yeah I know, but it's just something Julie used to do and I never liked it.

-What?

-Don't watch me.

You look so cute on the loo.

Steve.

-OK, it's fine, you can have toast if you want.

-No, I don't want it now.

Get out. Obviously it's fine for Julie and her big fucking tits.

They weren't as big as they looked.

How very disappointing for you, but despite her disappointingly gargantuan tits,

you still found it in your heart to let her eat toast in bed with you.

What a saint.

-Are you going to make me toast or not?

-Oh, shit.

-Beg your pardon?

-Er...nothing.

-Are you going to make me toast?

Yes, yes, whatever.

-Thank you.

-Oh, sshh.

DOORBELL RINGS

Don't let him in, he'll hear me.

It's only Dan.

You all right, Dan?

Morning, campers. This got put through my door.

-Oh, right, great.

-Becky stay over last night?

-Yeah, her parents have got people staying, so...

-Hung over, dare I ask?

Yeah, a bit, but she's fine.

She has an egg before bed so she doesn't get a hangover.

Oh, right, yeah. So why does she do that?

Well, so she doesn't get a hangover.

That's good, yeah. What's she do?

-Are you taking the piss?

-No, I was just...being chatty.

Making conversation.

Well, don't.

-SHE POOHS

-Anita didn't reply to my e-mail.

-I don't know if she's read it. Know her password. Er, been watching Titanic again?

-Yeah, we heard.

-Yeah, Winslet's tits.

-Yeah.

-Thank God for the pause button.

-MOBILE RINGS

Hello, mate.

Er, well I hope you're with Laura, but...You know what I mean.

-What? What?

-What?

Eurgh, Paul.

-What's going on?

-Paul, why are you telling me this?

-Why is he telling you what?

Oh, you didn't.

Not Sporty? Oh, you filthy bastard.

OK, yeah. OK, OK.

It's fine, it's fine, I'll kill it, it's fine.

Well, I don't know, I'll make something up.

Yeah, speak to you later, mate.

Bye.

-Any news?

-Paul spent the night with a girl who looks like Sporty Spice.

-Sporty Spice?

-I know.

Sporty Spice.

Do you reckon she does back-to-front?

What's back-to-front?

What's back-to-front?

-Ooh, that's followed you out.

-What has?

-Shut the door.

-I haven't been doing anything.

-You all right, Dan?

-Yeah. Popped down to say hello, really.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-How was your weekend?

Peaks and troughs, you know.

Peaks and troughs.

I would have preferred to have spent it with a Spice Girl, but, er...

Dan.

-A Spice Girl?

-Better go.

Yeah, thanks, Dan.

He wasn't even wearing a watch. I hate it when people do that.

Why would anyone still fancy the Spice Girls?

Look, it's from Rob. "Steve, having a great time, nice weather, Rob".

Why do I care what the weather's like in Spain?

Why were you and Dan talking about the Spice Girls?

We weren't.

Why would anyone still fancy the Spice Girls?

Well, I don't. Come on. Let's have sex.

Why are you lying to me about the Spice Girls?

I'm not. Now get your knickers off.

Yeah, yeah, mm, mm.

-Mm.

-Mm.

-Mm.

Mm. Mm. SMS TONE BEEPS LOUDLY

Oh, it doesn't need to be that loud.

Oh, no.

-What?

-Oh, God.

-What?

-Oh, I bet she's really...

-What, what is it?

-Poor thing.

-Rebecca!

-It's my sister.

She says Paul didn't come home last night.

Have you heard anything?

What, Paul?

-Yeah.

-No.

Just have a check. No. Nope.

She's just being a drama queen. I bet she's sent that text to everyone.

-Yeah it's probably fine, isn't it?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.

Forget about it.

We're missing Cash In The Attic.

We're about to have sex.

-Oh, yeah.

-Mm.

-RUMBLING

-Ooh.

-Was that a fart?

-No, it was my tummy.

-Well, that sounded like a fart.

Are you going to make me toast?

You know I can't have sex on an empty stomach.

OK.

OK, I'll make you toast. Fine, but you're eating it on the chair, and afterwards we are shagging.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Wow. It's like being a princess.

Steve, why have you put your mug face down on the floor?

Jesus Christ.

-Urgh, kill it!

-No, he might have babies.

-Chuck it out the window, then.

No, no, you can get AIDS from a spider.

-You can't!

-You can. If he's been crawling round in the blood of an AIDS victim...

-Steve, be a man for once in your life and get rid of the spider.

-All right, all right, give me that.

Don't touch, don't touch.

Stay behind me.

Yeah, I'll deal with him in a minute, when I've worked out a plan.

Upside down. You put a mug upside down, not face down.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Ignore him.

-Oh, I can't.

Do you want to clear the bed for the fuck fest?

OK.

-Fuck fest?

-What?

"All tall men mind the mad arithmetic."

Dan's back.

Hello, hello, hello.

MOBILE RINGS

Hi, Laura, you all right, babe?

What a total bastard.

Oh, sh...

What are you making?

-Toast.

-Ooh, very posh. Yeah.

-Thinking I might pop to Azeen, you know, get some fruit.

-OK.

-Just read an article about melon, yeah.

-Wow.

-Fancy getting a melon with me?

Becky could come, too.

-Ooh, I'm sure she'd love to, but we're, er, kind of busy this morning.

-Sex.

Yeah.

I heard her hollering earlier.

Don't say that.

Don't be silly.

No. No, he shouldn't be putting you through all this.

No, I know. Really?

Straight away?

OK.

Yeah. Course he won't mind.

All right then.

Bye, love.

-Have I outstayed my welcome?

-Yeah.

-No problem.

Get that fruit.

-Good idea.

-Bye.

Bye-bye.

Right, You hold the plate beneath the toast, you eat it on the chair.

Wow, what's this?

I thought you might like to watch.

-Really?

-Yeah, where do you want me?

-On the bed. Arse down.

-Thought you didn't like being watched.

-I don't mind,

if you do something for me.

-Like what?

-Like...letting Laura pop round.

-Laura!

-Well, she's my sister. Steve. She's feeling really down about Paul.

There is nothing wrong with Paul, I told you.

I'll moan and groan as loud as you like.

Yeah well, er...

not too loud.

-Mm.

-Mm.

-Come here. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

-Mm, mm, mm.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, that'll be Laura.

-That was quick.

-Well, she was on her way already.

-So when you asked me if I wanted to watch...

-I let you watch me. Now be nice to Laura.

-Oh, God!

Hello, love, how you feeling?

I'm so worried, Becks.

Look at me, I'm shaking.

He's being a total bastard.

Laura's here.

-Hi, Laura, are you all right?

-Paul didn't come home last night.

Look at me, Steve, I'm shaking.

Yeah.

I couldn't even go to work.

Have you heard from him?

No. I'm sure he's fine, though.

He's a big lad, I'm sure everything's tickety boo.

-I need a piss.

-Thanks for sharing that with us.

-Is his phone still off?

-Yeah.

I left a message to say that I was here.

And I was thinking,

maybe what's happened with little Luke, with his scans and Luke's Mum, Natalie, the slut.

HE GAGS

-You didn't flush.

-Steve.

You did a shit, and you didn't flush.

I didn't want Dan to hear.

You're an animal. I can hardly breathe in there.

Oh, stop overreacting.

-Careful, Steve, there's a mug on the floor.

-This is my flat.

-I'm the one who has to live here in your stench.

-Oh, well done.

Steve, there's a mug on the floor.

If you shit in my flat, you flush in my flat.

You've really got a way with words, haven't you?

If you want to do a stinky shit, go back to your parents' house and do it.

-My Uncle Dennis is staying over.

-There's a mug face down on the floor, Steve.

Yes, Laura I know! I put it there.

I keep a spider in it.

Face down.

You know Dan upstairs?

-Pyjamas.

-Yeah.

He's watching Titanic for what is it, the...

-Fourth.

-Fourth time this week.

-He just split up with a girl that looks like Winslet.

-Oh, she doesn't look like Winslet.

She's just fat and posh.

He wanted me to buy fruit with him.

Who goes out of their way to buy fruit?

Oh, I'd love a mango.

-What?

-Wouldn't you, Laur?

Oh, yeah.

What are you going to do with a mango?

-Eat it.

-How?

-Don't know.

-A mango?

Who the fuck do you think you are? They're like a pound each.

Fucking mango?

All right, Steve,

mind the language, Laura's upset.

Sorry, Laura.

I'm sure Paul's absolutely fine.

Thanks, Steve.

OK?

Have you seen the new telly?

-Is that it?

-Mm, yep.

Not bad, is it? Found it in the skip.

Isn't he a dream?

DOORBELL RINGS/BANGING

Oh, that's Paul. It's his knock.

Go on, Laur, you answer it. Be strong.

BANGING/RINGING CONTINUES

Thank God for that.

I can explain everything, darling, it's not my fault.

It was events, it was some real nasty events, and I just missed you so much, darling.

Yeah.

Mm. You going to let me watch you with this?

No, course not.

You're such a pervert.

I don't even know why you bought this thing.

Her favourite thing about him is his big dick.

-Isn't that revolting?

-Well...

he might have a big dick but I bet he can't do

a dick dance.

Can he, Becks? Can he?

-Shall I do my dick dance?

-Yes.

-Shall I?

-Yes.

-Shall I?

And you know how I've been with Luke being ill.

I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm being selfish.

Well, you are. You are being really selfish, but that's OK, because you're my darling, remember?

# Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. #

Look at it. # Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. #

We have a bond and we're getting married.

Yeah. Like two become one.

Like, what made you say that?

-Mm, what?

-When two become one?

Oh, it's just a phrase, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

# Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm Uh-uh-uh-uh

# Uh-uh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Eurrrrrrr.#

Ooh, yeah.

Thank you, fans. Thank you, fans.

-Paul could never do a dick dance as good as that.

-No.

And I bet if he did he wouldn't have that bit of loo roll caught in his foreskin.

What? Ohh.

-Oh.

-Mm, do they smell good?

Mm, they smell lovely.

-Do you want to smell?

-Mm, yeah.

Course I don't want to smell!

-Is everything all right?

-Yeah, I was being silly, he was at Iggy's.

-Probably let her know next time, Paul.

-Yeah, sorry. Sorry, everyone.

He's forgetful like that, while I'm too far the opposite way.

That's why we're the perfect couple.

-Steve was just doing a dick dance.

-Becky.

-A what?

-Nothing. If you guys are OK why don't you treat yourselves to a nice meal deal, get some air.

Don't let Paul do a dick dance, Laur, he'd have someone's eye out with that great big thing.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I would.

-No chance of Steve doing that, is there, love?

-You're funny.

-Ooh, is it small, Steve?

-No, to be fair, it's not small.

-I'm flattered.

-But it's not exactly going to split you in two.

It's fine, it's normal size, I measured it.

-What? I measured it.

-You measured it?

Yes, with a ruler.

Oh, that's a lovely image.

Was it a 15-centimetre ruler, Steve?

-That doesn't even work.

-What, can't you take a joke, mate?

How, how, how did this happen?

Why did they invent the microscope?

So Steve could find his dick.

-Well, you've nicked that one off Barney.

-Why can't you take a joke?

-Why don't you go back to Iggy's?

Steve was having a wank the other day but he couldn't find any tissues, so he had to use a stamp.

-Did you write that one yourself?

-Yeah.

-It's really good.

I bet when Paul has a wank he has to use the whole duvet.

Yeah, I do.

-What, and that's a good thing?

-You're the inspiration for those little pens in Argos, aren't you, love?

Yeah, yeah, I was. I was the inspiration for the little pens in Argos. Very funny.

So my dick's not as big as yours.

-By about ten inches.

-Paul's dick's so long he can't wear shorts.

Ooh, that's funny, because he can't keep it in his trousers, either.

LAUGHTER DIES

-What?

-What?

-Steve.

-What?

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Steve.

What, what's that supposed to mean, Becks?

-He didn't mean anything by it.

-Steve, what do you mean he can't keep his dick in his trousers?

Er, nothing, come on, let's go.

As you saying Paul can't keep his dick in his trousers?

No! I was joking.

Oh, you know me, I'm always joking.

Maybe you should learn to take a joke. Now, Becks, how much do I owe you for that curry the other night?

Why did you lie about you and Dan talking about the Spice Girls?

Sshh, I didn't!

Why were you talking about doing back-to-front with one of 'em?

What? You're crazy.

-What's back-to-front? Were you doing back-to-front with a Spice Girl?

-No, of course not.

It was a deal, weren't it, lamb and a naan, £5.50.

Steve, was he doing back to front with a Spice Girl?

Of course he wasn't doing back-to-front with a Spice Girl, whatever that is.

-This is Paul, he works in Rymans, as if a Spice Girls going to want to do back-to-front with him.

-Fuck you.

But you are shagging someone.

-I'm what.

-Sssh, sssh, Laura's upset.

-Steve.

-Look why don't I pop out and get us all a mango?

-Steve, stop being a prick.

Let Paul answer the question. Paul?

Where were you last night, Paul?

Tell me or you can have this ring back.

Oh, OK. OK.

Steve's got it all wrong, as usual.

-I might not have stayed at Iggy's.

-You liar.

I didn't want you worrying.

I ended up going, er, to...

a museum.

Which museum?

Well, it was just a general museum, Becky, and I bumped into a very nice young lady at the museum

-who happens to do some agency work as a Mel C look-alike.

-You bastard.

No, isn't it, Steve?

Yeah, the exhibits were so fascinating he stayed there all night.

You bastard!

-Jesus, Steve.

-Oh, what have I done?

You're a little shit.

-Mel C?

-I know.

-Mel fucking C.

-Sshh, I know, I know.

-What does the C even mean?

-Chisholm.

-Chisholm?

-Chisholm?

-Yeah. Chisholm.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Dan.

-Hey, Steve, they were two for £1.50, let's hang out, eat 'em with spoons.

Steve, come here, you prick.

-Oh, Paul, did you give her what she wanted? What she really, really wanted?

-Not now, mate.

What's so good about Mel C?

Nothing. There's nothing good about Mel C.

-I've never liked their music, have I?

-No. She did that one with Bryan Adams.

But you're right, we've never liked her.

I am so fucking enraged. Urggh.

Oh, fuck off as well, you little spider dick.

All right, how did you know I did back-to-front with her?

Did yer? What is it?

It's when, when first of all, you do her in the...

what, you've never done back-to-front?

-No, of course not.

-You're like a fucking nun.

Right. Laura, let me in, darling, we need to talk.

Go away, Paul, I don't want to speak to you.

I'm not going anywhere, darling.

-I believe it when I see it.

-Oh.

Don't do this to me, darling.

We have a bond. You're my everything.

-We're meant to be together.

-Go away, Paul.

OK, you've got five seconds to let me in before I kick the fucking door down!

What is that? Oh. Er, what is that...

Er, probably just let him, Becks.

I'm going fucking mental, darling!

Oh, mental, men...

"All tall men mind the mad arithmetic."

I will smash the glass.

-It stinks in here.

-You total bastard!

TOILET FLUSHES

ARGUING CONTINUES

I can't wait for the wedding.

-I really need a piss. How long they going to be?

-As long as they need.

Don't you dare.

Where's the spider?

I threw him out the window.

Wow.

Very brave.

Someone's grown some balls.

Can I have the toast?

Yeah. Sure.

Thank you.

Are you enjoying that toast?

Yeah, why?

No reason, I'm just glad you're enjoying it.

Thank you for allowing me to eat it in your bed.

Not at all,

just glad you're enjoying it.

Mm, I am enjoying it.

Good, I'm glad you are.

Good.

Good.

Good.

Hm.

I was up all night worrying about you. I was sick with worry.

Sweetheart, darling, you're so beautiful.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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